Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 7 - Fuentes, Fuentes, Sanford & Chico - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hello, this is Fred Sanford,

S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period.

I would now like to do my
imitation of the Ink Spots,

and here... it is.

♪ If I didn't care ♪

♪ If I didn't care ♪

♪ More than words can say ♪

♪ More than words can say ♪

♪ If I didn't care ♪

♪ I didn't care ♪



♪ Would I feel... ♪

♪ Honeychild, honeycomb... ♪

♪ And would I be sure ♪

♪ Honeydew... ♪

♪ ...is love ♪

♪ Honeydew melon ♪

HIGH NOTE: ♪ ...compare ♪

♪ Would all this be true ♪

♪ Would all this
be true darling? ♪

♪ If I didn't care ♪

♪ If I didn't care ♪

♪ for... ♪

♪ You ♪♪

Say, what are you doing



playing with this tape recorder?

You're supposed
to be cleaning it

and polishing it
so we can sell it.

I'm not playing with
it. I'm just testing out.

You're just wearing it out,

and where's my breakfast?

It should have been
ready 15 minutes ago.

Say, don't tell me

that's my breakfast
burning over there

while you're playing
with this tape recorder?

Oh, no.

No, this is not your
breakfast burning.

This is my breakfast.

Your breakfast
burned 15 minutes ago.

I'll have your breakfast
ready in a minute.

Never mind.

I'll get my own breakfast.

Get out of that refrigerator.

You'll mess the thing up.

I just want something to eat.

If you want
something, I'll get it.

This is my refrigerator,

and I don't want
nobody messing with it.

This is my kitchen. Don't want
anybody messing with it neither.

Well, I'm not just anybody. I
bought half the food in there.

Well, I coordinated
all the food in there.

I know just where everything is.

Look at that, you
messed up already.

You got the gravy where
the milk ought to be.

What's the difference?

Ask me what's the
difference late one night

when you be standing here
drinking a glass of gravy.

I'm going to Julio's
and have my breakfast.

What do you mean,

you're going to Julio's
and have breakfast?

His mother will have
breakfast on the table,

and she won't be fooling around

with a tape recorder.

You can't eat that kind of food.

All she cooks is
Puerto Rican food.

So?

So you can't eat
Puerto Rican food.

You're an American.

Why not?

Because you ain't
had your shots yet.

Do you know what
you're talking about?

Son, come here. Let
me tell you something.

Now, if the Lord
had intended for you

to eat Puerto Rican food,

he'd have lined your
stomach with Pepto Bismol.

I don't have time
to stand around...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Just sit on down,
son. Eat some cereal.

Wait a minute.

I'll get some cereal for you,

and besides,
what's the big rush?

Well, I'm in a hurry

because I've got a
lot of work to do today.

A lot of work?

What's so different about today?

Well, Julio and I've
got a little business deal

that we're working on together.

Julio and you got
a business deal?

Correct.

Only business they
know is passing out

them south-of-the-border
jolly joints.

Do you want to hear
about this or not?

Okay, okay.

What it is is that,

Julio's been bringing
in a lot of tires lately,

and I've been bringing in

a lot of used automobile parts,

and we're going to
combine our resources

and specialize in
selling used auto parts.

It'll be like a
sideline business.

This is your business,
Sanford and Son.

This is both our business.

Pop, we'll still
have this business.

Listen, but I built
this empire for you.

I even named it
after you... "And Son."

I know.

Listen,

what're you going to
name your business?

Have you decided yet?

Is it going to be
"Julio and Son"

or "Son and Fuentes"?

I'll tell you what
you should call it,

"Julio and Damn Foolio."

Now, would you stop
that and listen to me?

Now, we'll still have
Sanford and Son.

It's just that Julio and I are
forming a little partnership

that might pay off
for us in the future.

Well, go ahead.

I won't be around much longer.

Pop, all Julio and
I are going to do

is sell some used auto parts.

Now, it's no big deal.

JULIO: Hey, Lamont,
you ready, man?

Yeah, I'll be
right there, Julio.

Listen, son, see
what you just said?

"I'll be right there."

You'll be right there,
and I'll be right here.

Wait a minute.

I'll be right here,

you know, abandoned,
alone, dead in a junkyard

at the tender age of 66.

A man in his prime.

Gone, through, finished.

Kaput.

Kapu... kaput.

Kapoot? Kaput.

What a waste.

Are you finished?

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Hey, my arthritis.

Son... Hey, Julio.

Hey, Lamont. Ready,
man? Hey, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, did Lamont tell
you the good news, man?

No, he told me

you and him are going
in business together.

That's the good news.

Lamont and I

are going to make
a great team, man,

because Lamont has a sharp eye

and a strong back.

Yeah, and Julio's got quick
brains and good hands.

Yeah.

Yeah, and ya'll both
put them together,

and you're going both
to lose your... Pop!

Hey, what's the
matter, Mr. Sanford?

I mean, sounds like you
don't care for this idea.

El correcto.

But why, man?

It's going to be
very successful.

Man, we're going to
make mucho money.

We're both going to
work very hard, man, yeah.

You see, selling the
parts is just a start.

Later on, we're
going to get into

the automotive repair business,

because I'm a good mechanic.

Who said you were
a good mechanic?

All my friends.

All your friends?

Yeah.

What does he know?

No, man, I've
got a lot of friends,

and I fix all their cars.

Yeah, Puerto Rican cars,

but you don't know nothing
about American cars.

Pop, what are you talking about?

There is no such thing.
What's a Puerto Rican car?

Same as a Mexican car.

It won't start.

Julio.

Lamont.

Oh, I'm so glad
you have not left yet.

Here, take this.

Ah, mama, you didn't forget
the sandwiches for lunch.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I knew you would
get hungry later.

Bueños dias, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, bony knees to you too.

Uh-oh, here comes
the rest of the family.

Back off, you beast.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

How did you get loose?

Hey, if he answers that,

ask him what's the
capital of South Dakota.

Come, Chico.

We will take him home.

You'd better be careful,

because he's
dangerous at both ends.

There they are...

The four new business partners.

"Fuentes, Fuentes,
Chico, and Dummo."

Come on in, Julio.

I'll get us a couple of beers

before we have supper.

Oh, that's great, man.

Pop, I'm home. Are you in here?

Hey, Lamont.

What?

Here's a note for you, man.

What?

"Please turn on
the tape recorder.

Your father, Fred Sanford."

Okay.

Dear son, this is
your father speaking.

You still remember
me, don't you?

The one with a weak heart
and a bad case of arthritis.

Even though I
never let that interfere

with cooking your
breakfast every morning

or coordinating all this stuff

so it will all belong
to you when I'm gone,

and now I'm gone, and
all this belongs to you.

This is goodbye.

Oh, man.

You'll never see me again,

because I don't want
to stand in your way.

You've got to
live your own life,

and if you want to
live it without me,

that's okay,

so I'm just going to
say my last farewell.

Farewell.

Oh, man.

[BLOWING NOSE]

Excuse me.

That was me blowing my nose.

I can wipe the tears
from my eyes as I talk,

but I can't hardly blow
my nose at the same time.

It won't be long now before
I'll be with your mother

up in that big
salvage yard in the sky

while you're down here
trying to sell used cars

with a Puerto Rican,

and I just want
to wish you luck,

because when you go in
business with a Puerto Rican,

you're going to need
all the luck you can get.

I'll just sign off now

and say goodbye and
God bless you, son,

and don't bother to look for me,

because I'm going for good.

Ooh.

P.S...

You can have these tapes
for your own private use,

but keep them in your custody

and do not release
them to anybody,

because somebody
might misinterpret them,

and that would threaten
the security of our junkyard.

Hey, man, that's terrible.

Sure is.

Well, let's get
something to eat, Julio.

What? Get something to eat?

Man, after your hear that?

Man, your father just said
he has left you for good.

Hey, that's a bunch of baloney.

Every time he wants
to get his own way,

he pulls a stunt like that.

Now, he's probably at the
bar or someplace drinking,

and he thinks I'm
going to sit here

and worry about
him, but I'm not.

Let's go eat.

You mean he would
lie to you, man?

El correcto.

Okay, man, if you
think it's nothing serious,

but I'll tell you,
man, that scares me.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, hi, Grady. Come on in.

Hello, uh... Uh... Lamont.

Yeah.

Hey... Julio, Julio.

Yeah, uh...

Grady, pop's not here right now.

Yeah, I know.

I came by to pick up his Bible.

Pick up his Bible? What for?

He says he needs it for
his meal ticket in Eternity.

Okay, Grady, what bar is he at?

Oh, he's not at a bar, Lamont.

He moved out.

He did not.

Yes, he did. Just look around.

He moved out.

He really did, huh?

Hey, his coat and
suitcase is gone.

He moved out.

That's what he told
me he was going to do.

Look in the bathroom.

If his Pluto Water's
gone, he's gone.

Say, all his things are
gone. He... he moved out.

I told you. He moved out.

All right, Grady, where is he?

I d... don't know.

He... moved out.

Grady, you're not
telling the truth.

Pop told me that
every time you stutter,

that means you're
not telling the truth.

Who-who s-s...
t-tell a... a lie.

He moved out.

Well, you must know something.

You came here
to pick up his Bible.

Now, you've got
to know something.

Well, m-maybe I
do, b-but I can't tell.

And why not?

I took a solemn
oath on the Bible.

How could you take
an oath on the Bible

when the Bible is still here?

Well, that's not the only Bible.

There was a Bible at Mercy
Mission on Main Street.

Is that where he's at?

The Mercy Mission
on Main Street?

I took a solemn
oath on the Bible

that I wouldn't tell you

that he's at the Mercy
Mission on Main Street.

349 West Main,
the northwest corner.

So that's where he's at.

The Mercy Mission
on Main Street.

I'll never t-t-t-tell.

He actually moved out, Julio.

He split, and of all the
places for him to go,

he's in a flophouse.

Can you dig that?
He's in a flophouse.

[CLICK]

Uh, P.S. again... Bye, dummy.

Sanford? Yeah,
we've got a Sanford.

Come this way.

He checked in this afternoon.

Seems like a nice old man.

Too bad people have to grow old,

useless, and unwanted.

Know what I mean?

Nobody cares about
them except us,

and we even don't
care about them

unless they can come
up with 50 cents a day.

I thought it was 35.

That's without a pillow.

Hey, Sanford,
you've got company.

Thanks a lot.

Lamont, that's
our social director.

Uh, how did you know I was here?

Grady told me.

What are you
trying to pull, Pop?

Grady swore on the Bible
right here in the mission

that he wouldn't go tell nobody.

What took you so long?

Pop, would you knock this off?

Now, come on, let's go home.

Home?

This is home,

ever since I got kicked
out of my own place.

Now, nobody's
forcing you to stay

in a 50-cent-a-night flophouse.

35 cents without a pillow.

Excuse me a minute.

He was a big man
in Washington, D.C.,

you know, before
that stuff started.

I could be in one of
those 25-cent places,

but I pay my own way,

because I don't want
people to think that I'm cheap.

I may be old, but
I'm still full of pride.

You're full of
something, all right.

Just how long do you
plan on staying here?

Well, at 35 cents a night...

I've got 200 bucks.

Now, at 35 cents
a night, that's...

75 goes in... four times...

Carry the one...

Divided by six.

Now, I could be here
almost two years.

And then what?

Then they kick
me out in the street.

Then nobody sees
me for a real long time,

and I'll be known as the
Howard Hughes of Watts.

You know, you are
one stubborn old man.

You know that?

[BELL RINGING]

That... that's the dinner bell.

Hey, you guys want to eat?

Well, get your
plates and let's go.

Your hors d'oeuvre's
getting cold.

He's our chef and matre'd, too.

See, we also have
wine with our dinner.

See, this is the special blend

that they fix here.

It's Manischewitz and Ripple.

We call it "Manoshipple."

You should see the
place he's staying in, Julio.

It's disgusting.

Hey, man, you should
not leave your father

in such a place.

What am I supposed to do, man?

He doesn't want to come home.

Well, maybe if you
apologized, man,

and, look, tell him our
partnership is dissolved.

Maybe he'll come back.

I'm not going to do that.

That's exactly what he wants.

If I did that, I'd never
hear the end of it.

Jeez, man, you are
both so stubborn.

I'll tell you something, man...

If that was my father
in a place like that,

I would give in and apologize.

If that was your father
in a place like that,

so would I, because I wouldn't
have to live with him after.

Lamont?

Oh, hello, there, Mrs. Fuentes.

Lamont, did your
father come back yet?

No, he's still at the mission.

That is too bad.

I had such a
special dinner tonight

I was going to cook for him,

especially for him...

Patas de Puerco
à la Puerto Rico.

Oh, man, that's

Puerto Rican-style
pig's knuckles.

I've never had Puerto
Rican soul food before.

JULIO: Oh, man.

That is because

not many people will make it.

You see, you need
to have the pig's feet

and the chicken and the pork

and the sausages
and the tomatoes,

olives and onions,

oh, and many, many things.

And all of it, man, goes in

at the same time.

And before you are finished,

every pot and pan
you have is a mess,

you are a mess,

and the whole kitchen is a mess.

Everything, man.

That is why nobody will make it.

Nobody can stand the mess.

Yeah, that's true,

but I'll tell you
something, man...

You taste it...

It's worth the
mess, right, mama?

Ai, si.

It is a shame we cannot have it.

Hey, Mrs. Fuentes,

why don't you plan on
making that meal after all?

But what do we
have to celebrate?

My father's return.

He'll be home
tonight, I guarantee it,

but listen, just one thing...

I want you to cook
it all in our kitchen,

you know, with the pots and
pans and the whole mess?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[DOOR CLOSES]

"Honor thy father
and thy mother..."

"That thy days may
be long upon this earth

which the Lord thy
God giveth thee, and..."

Lamont. I didn't
see you come in.

Hey, there, Pop.
What're you doing?

I was just reading
Ten Commandments.

You know, it's
better than the movie.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Don't sit down there.

Got to try to kill them fellas.

There, sit down.

Pop, you know, I'm really glad

to see you sitting
here reading like that.

That means that you're
getting used to this place,

and that's a good sign.

What do you mean, good sign?

Well, it just goes to
show you that this place

is not as bad as
I thought it was.

Hey, this is a
good bed, isn't it?

Are you kidding?

This bed here
is so full of bugs,

I feel like I'm sleeping
at the Watergate.

Well, it's probably
got some bad points,

but it's got some
good points, too, Pop.

I mean, I didn't see them
the first time I was here,

but now I do.

You do?

At least you're
not alone at night

like you were when I
would go out on a date.

Remember how you always
worried about burglars?

Well, with all these dudes,

you don't have to
worry about that.

Hey, you see that guy

lying there with the sheet on?

The fat dude?

Yeah, the fat one.

Now, last night,
when he came in here,

he got in bed with
all his clothes on

and woke up this morning,

he didn't have on nothing

but them socks and that derby.

Who would do such a thing?

That guy sleeping in
the next bunk to him.

See him?

At least you've got an
empty cot next to you.

Yeah, poor guy.

He was stabbed at the
morning prayer service.

Well, at least you've got
all the things you need,

you know, a place to
sleep, place to wash up,

and good food to eat, right?

No, you ain't right.

This bed is hard
as an ironing board,

and you've got to line
up to get to the toilet,

and the oatmeal is so runny

you have to suck
it through a straw.

Well, a hard bed is
good for your back.

You'll save money on soap,

and runny oatmeal
is good for your teeth,

but the most important thing,
Pop, is that you're happy,

because I am.

You are?

Oh, yeah.

Well, at first, I wasn't happy

with the new situation at home,

but now everything is great.

What do you mean, new situation?

Well, that's... that's
what I came to tell you.

That's the good news, Pop.

I knew that you didn't want me

to go on living in
that great big house

all by myself, so
you know what I did?

I invited Julio and his
mother to come live with me.

Julio... and his mother?

And Chico.

Listen, I should have known

when those Puerto Ricans
moved in the neighborhood,

they wouldn't be satisfied

until they're sitting
in my front room.

Well, I've got to run now.

Oh, hey, Pop, do you know

what "Patas de Puerco
Puerto Rican" is?

No, but it sounds like something
that would grow on your neck

if you didn't bathe regularly.

Patas de Puerco Puerto Rican

is Puerto Rican-style
pig knuckles.

Ain't no such
thing in the world.

Sure there is.

You cook them with chicken

and sausage and onion and tomato

and a whole
bunch of stuff with it

all cooking at the same time.

The only thing about it
is that it makes a mess.

You know, you just mess up

your whole kitchen,
the pots and pans,

but it's worth it.

Hey, but where are they
going to cook this stuff?

I thought I told
you, in our kitchen.

Oh, Mrs. Fuentes
loves our kitchen

because we've got more pots
and pans and stuff to mess up,

you know?

[BELL RINGING]

Well, there goes
your dinner bell.

I've got to go have my dinner

with the Fuenteses, Pop.

Enjoy your oatmeal.

You'll love this place.

Wait a minute. Hey, Lamont.

So long, Pop.

Wait a minute.

Lamont.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, here he comes now.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Pop.

What a surprise, you're home.

Hello, Mr. Sanford.

Buenas noches, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, bones and notches to you.

Hey, isn't this great?

We were just getting
ready to sit down and eat.

Why don't you join us?

No, they're not,
not in my house.

What do you mean,
not in your house?

Now, the Fuentes are my guests.

I invited them.

I can invite whoever I want.

Well, if you can invite
anybody you want,

I can invite anybody I want.

Come on in.

Wait a minute, what is...

Hey, don't tell me

you're still cleaning
them pots and pans.

Well, I've got to
get them clean.

Got my whole kitchen smelling.

Go in there and smell it.

What?

Go ahead in the kitchen.

All right, I'll go
in the kitchen.

Go and smell what's in there.

I can't seem to get this stuff

out of the pots.

All this tomato sauce and
rice and everything in here.

This rice sticks to
everything, and that odor...

Got my whole kitchen
smelling like Puerto Rico.

It's tough enough to have
people come down here.

Hey, Pop.

You know what?

Huh?

That odor was not coming
from your pots and pans.

It was coming from in here.

Mrs. Fuentes left
us a pot of mofongo.

Mo-who-go?

Mofongo.

It's a national
Puerto Rican dish.

Well, listen,

I know how to take
care of this mofongo.

Here's what you do...

You go ahead and
start loading the truck,

and I'll go ahead
and fix you breakfast.

Then I'll take care
of this mofongo.

Okay, Pop, but would
you hurry up, please?

All right.

Just hurry up.

I'll take care of this stuff.

Bringing this stuff
into your house.

Hey, Pop, would you hurry up?

Where's my breakfast?

What are you doing in there?

I'm taking care of the mofongo.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford
and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.