Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Engagment/The Member of the Wedding - full transcript

Fred and Donna are to be married on Sunday, but Lamont plots to put them asunder before the Lord joins them together by inviting to the wedding his Aunt Esther and the rest of Fred's irascible in-laws.

[♪♪♪]

This sure is romantic.

Just me and you and the
sound of the ocean behind us.

It's very nice.

I love that rumbling sound.

What rumbling sound?

The waves.

Oh, I thought you was
talking about my stomach.

My stomach's been
rumbling all morning.

I shouldn't mix my drink.

What drink?



Buttermilk and Pluto Water.

Fred, I've got to talk
to you about something.

I've already put
it off too long.

But I can't seem to find
the right way to say it.

You got a problem?

Yes, I have.

Well, are you pregnant?

Fred!

Well, if you ain't pregnant,
what's the problem?

Fred, how long have
we been engaged?

Oh, now I know
what you're getting at.

You want to know when
we're gonna get married.

Right.

I have an important
decision to make.



What kind of decision?

Well, I have another
marriage proposal.

What?!

Do you remember Osgood Perkins?

He's a patient I've worked for.

Remember, I brought
him to the house one night.

That old invalid?

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm not kidding, Fred.

Osgood asked me to marry him.

If I wanted to, I could
marry him tomorrow morning.

And bury him tomorrow evening.

See, the preacher wouldn't
even have to take his tuxedo off.

Just marry him and
bury him in the same day.

Fred, now this is
not a joking matter.

I was serious when I said
I have to make a decision;

I... I can't go on waiting.

Okay, okay, you
won't have to wait.

I made up my mind.

You have?

Yeah.

Freddy your steady is ready.

Fred!

Do you mean it?

You really do?

Yeah.

Oh, Fred.

Wait a minute, Fred.

Let's save some
until after the wedding.

All right.

Well, well, let's
don't... Let's don't wait.

Let... Let's set the
date right away.

Uh, see, I ain't doing
nothing this weekend.

We can get married Sunday.

Sunday?!

Fred!

Sunday, that's so soon.

Why, we've got so much to do.

We... We have to find a church,

and send out the
wedding invitations,

and get our blood tests.

We don't have to
worry about that.

We can get married at the house

and just you and me
and Reverend Trimble.

And all I have to worry
about is having enough blood

for the blood test.

What about Lamont?

Do you think he'll
have any objections?

I'll overrule any
objections he might have.

And I have five good reasons.

One, two, three, four, five.

Say, wait a minute,
baby. Hold on a minute.

But, baby, just
hold on one minute.

Wait a minute, baby.
You know who this is?

This is... Hello?

She knew.

Say, Jack, you
want to try Francine?

No, man, she's always hungry.

Last time I took her out

she had four Fat
burgers and a thick shake.

And besides that, she
got a shiny nose, man.

Whenever I take her to the
movies and I go to get popcorn,

I can always find my
seat by her neon nose.

Hey, man, what about...
What about Dimples and Lee?

Dimples and Lee?

The gruesome twosome?

You is a fool.

We ain't that hard up.

Hey, I wonder if I
still got their number.

Look under "DT"
for desperation time.

No. Here it is under
"LR" for last resort.

Somebody. Yeah. We admit it.

Hi, son.

Good evening, Lamont.

Hey, Pop. Hello, Donna.

How you doing, Mr. Sanford?

And I don't believe I've
had the pleasure, ma'am.

Oh, excuse my...
My manners, Rollo.

Rollo Lawson, meet
Donna Harris, my fiancée.

Hello, Rollo.

See, Rollo is the one who's
always leading Lamont astray.

You know, like Rollo and Follow.

Come on, Pop.

Well, sit down, darling.

Come here, Lamont.

I've got something to tell you.

Uh, you ready?

Donna has consented to make
me the happiest man in the world.

What's she gonna do?
Make you her beneficiary?

What kind of dumb
thing is that to say?

That's downright insulting.

You ain't got no class at all.

See, uh, Donna, do you
have an insurance policy?

See, come on, Pop. What'd
you want to tell me, man?

Me and Rollo got
something to do.

Okay. Brace yourself. You ready?

Donna and I are
getting married Sunday.

Hey, congratulations,
Mr. Sanford.

That's outta sight.

Hey, Pop, but Sunday's
the day after tomorrow, man.

Why are you gonna do it so soon?

Well, Donna ain't
getting no younger.

Uh, and... and I ain't either.

And see, Donna will be like
a... Sort of a September bride

and I'm gonna be
a December groom.

And when... and when Winter
meets Fall, we're gonna have a ball.

Come on, Donna, I'll
walk you to the car, honey.

Goodnight.

If your old man can hook
up with a queen like that,

I know there's some hope for me.

I'm gonna get back in this book.

Hey, wait a minute,
man. Wait a minute.

Now this is serious, Rollo.
I think he's really gonna

get married this time, man.

So what? Give the
old dude some credit.

The old dude don't need
no credit, he needs strength.

Man, I'll tell you,

it looks like they're
gonna make it fine to me.

Yeah, well, I'm not
gonna make it fine

because Donna and I
don't get along too tough.

Hey, bubba, you ain't
marrying her, your pop is.

Yeah, but I got to live
here in the house with her

and it's not gonna
work out, man.

She'd be in here trying
to take over this place.

The whole house will be smelling
and tasting like cold cream.

And there'll be
them old long hairs

on the sink in the bathroom.

Just think, son.

With Donna's car and our truck,

we'll be a two-car family.

Say, Rollo, get your
narrow rump off my stump.

So it's cool. That's great, Pop.

Hey, listen, man, are

you sure you've given
this a lot of thought, Pop?

Because, I mean, marriage
is a very serious business.

I know that. I've
given it thought.

A lot of thought. And...
and that's what I want to do

so don't try to
talk me out of it.

No, I don't want
to talk you out of it.

I just... I just don't want
you rushing into nothing.

I ain't rushing into nothing.

I'm just strolling into it.

If I wait much longer, I
won't be able to crawl into it.

Yeah, but you know
that old saying, Pop:

Fools rush in where
wise men fear to go.

But wise men never fall in
love, so how are they to know?

See, when we met,
I felt my life begin.

♪ So open up your heart
and let This fool rush in ♪♪

This is Station
F-R-E-D signing off.

Goodnight, you two dummies.

Hey, wait a minute,
Pop. Now wait a minute.

Listen, if you don't
mind, I'm going upstairs

to get me some rest
for the blood test.

I don't want to flunk it.

Yeah, but you still
haven't told me why

all of a sudden you got this
sudden desire to get married.

Now... Now what happened?

Well, if we're gonna talk,
let's have us a cold beer.

Please, Pop. Because I mean
you left here this morning...

I come over here and you tell me

you're gonna get
married just like that.

I mean, I didn't have
no warning or nothing.

That's the way it
happens sometimes.

I want to know what happened.
Here's what happened.

I had to beat out a competitor.

See, she got another
proposal, so I had to act fast.

It was either now or never.

Don't you see what that means?

Yeah, it's me now and him never.

Pop, that's the oldest
trick in the business.

Man, she told you that
stuff about another man

to get you trapped.

Sagittarius the hunter
got captured by the game.

What's wrong
with that? I like it.

Pop, it's the
principle of the thing.

Man, I knew I smelled
something rotten.

If you smell something rotten,
you ought to wash your mustache.

Because all I smell is bouquet.

Wedding bouquet.

Can't you see what's
happening, Pop?

You're being pressured
into getting married.

I ain't being
pressured into nothing.

Besides, I ain't
getting no younger.

And if we're gonna
have some kids,

we'd better do it right away.

Because... And
while I got my teeth.

I don't want to
be sitting around

gumming no taffy with the kid.

What would happen if Donna
and I don't get along too tough?

I mean, what if it got
so bad that I had to split?

I'd miss you, son.

I know you're not gonna
have no big wedding, Pop,

because you know
you can't afford that.

Oh, no, it'll just be Rev.
Trimble's $10 special.

Just me and the bride-to-be.

Well, what about
the family, man?

Aren't you gonna
invite the family?

My family's in St. Louis.

They'll read about it in the
society column of Jet magazine.

Mr. and Mrs. Sanford married.

The bride is a practical nurse

and the groom is a prominent
Los Angeles coordinator.

No, I'm talking about
family out here, man.

What about... What about
Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody

and Aunt Minnie and Uncle Jake?

What about them?

I ain't giving no
Halloween party.

If Donna sees them, she'll
think I'm playing trick-or-treat.

Goodnight.

Wait a minute, Pop.

I don't want to hear
nothing about it.

So that's it, huh?

That's the way it's gonna be?

The three of us living
here in the same house?

That's how it's gonna be.

♪ Just Donna and me ♪

♪ And the dummy makes three... ♪

♪ I'm heading To
my blue bedroom ♪♪

Well, she did it.

The barracuda
finally got him trapped.

Yeah, damn.

Hey, she's got his
nose open so wide

you could run a
tractor through it.

And look, it was so
cold-blooded, man.

He don't even want no
relatives at the wedding.

Now that's cold-blooded.

Rollo!

Oh... I forgot about
that seat, man.

Yeah, well, see Rollo,
my old man and my family

got an understanding,
and they all understand

that they hate each other.

They never forgave him
for marrying my mother.

The first wife's family
always hates the new wife.

That's the way it is.

And if you try to bring
them together, look out.

It's fireworks.

And let me tell you
something, man,

if you're thinking about
bringing them together...

That's what you're
thinking, isn't it?

You're thinking about
bringing all of them together?

But your pop don't
want that, does he?

But you're gonna do it anyway.

[FRED HUMMING]

Yeah, I think I gotta go. I
hear my pop coming now.

I'll call you later,
Aunt Esther.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Hi, son. Come here. I
want to show you something.

How does it look?

Looks like a black felt bed pan.

Listen, it's a Homburg.

See, I-I forgot I had it.

I really did.

I got it real
cheap... I found it.

It's a nice hat, Pop,
but it's a little bit

too big for your head.

Oh, it might be a little
too big, but I don't think so.

I can stuff some newspaper
over here in the sides

and then blow out what
I've got left of my natural,

and it fits perfect.

It will give the
wedding a little class.

Are you planning on
wearing this tuxedo too?

Yeah. I'm taking it to the
cleaners to have it pressed.

See, I got a little collard
green juice here on the sleeve.

Started staining a little bit.

Must've been when we
had the victory celebration

for Mayor Bradley.

All the junk men got together
and had the celebration.

I thought you said you was
gonna have a simple wedding.

I am. This is for the pictures.

Well, I guess if
you're gonna do it,

you might as well do it right.

Say, you changed your
mind about the wedding now?

Yeah. Yeah.

I got to thinking about it, Pop.

And once I thought about it,
it didn't seem so bad after all.

I mean, you got a
right to be happy.

I even told a few
people about it.

Who?

Well, Aunt Esther for one.

You told ugly Esther?

That's the worst person in
the world you could've told.

Well, as long as you didn't
invite her to come over here,

I guess it's okay.

I didn't have to, Pop,
she invited herself.

She what?! Old gorilla face
gonna be at my wedding?

Is she gonna bring
Woody the Wino?

I believe so.

That does it.

Now I'm gonna have to hide
my Ripple, and my gin, my scotch.

My bourbon, my rye.

Got to hide my bug
spray, my Drano.

I hope she don't
tell nobody else.

No, she won't.

Good.

But I couldn't have Aunt
Esther and Uncle Woody here

without having Aunt
Minnie and Uncle Jake.

Minnie the Moocher
and Jake the Jackass?

Oh, no, you're turning
my dream-come-true

into a nightmare.

Oh, come on, Pop. Now be fair.

This is our family and Donna
hasn't even met them yet.

Donna also has never
met a school of piranha.

Look, Pop, would
you stop worrying?

Now they're not
gonna be here that long.

That's what the Indians
said when they first

saw the white man coming.

Aunt Esther, Uncle Woody!

Aunt Minnie!

Hey, Uncle Jake!
Come on in here!

Boy, I sure am glad
you could all make it.

Hey, help yourself
to some refreshments.

Sit down over
there on the couch.

Help yourself, Uncle Jake.

Boy...

Well, what do you think
of my pop getting married?

It's hard for me to believe
that there's a woman

somewhere that desperate.

Me too.

What's the matter with
her, Lamont, is she lame?

Say, Lamont, where is Fred
and his bride-to-be, anyway?

Oh, they're out taking
the wedding pictures.

I don't think they like the
atmosphere around here.

Oh, pardon me.

And what did you say
her name was, Donna?

Yeah, Donna. It means "lady."

Is that so?

I once had a dog named Lady.

[KNOCKING]

Aunt Flossie. Hey, Uncle Edgar.

Hello, Lamont. Come on in.

Flossie!

Hey, Edgar, you'd better grab
yourself a drink before Woody

hits his stride over here.

Put that bottle down, Woodrow.

Don't let me have
to knock you out.

Lamont, did you talk
this over with your father?

I tried to, Aunt Esther,

but Donna's got his
mind pretty well made up.

What does this
woman do for a living?

Oh, she's a nurse.

Oh, honey, you know
how those old nurses are.

All they do all day is give
strange men back-rubs.

Hey.

That sounds like
my kind of woman.

I want to see her.

Yeah, me too, man.

Woodrow, you
came here with teeth.

Do you want to leave with teeth?

Lamont, why don't they
get married in a church?

Donna wanted a small wedding
with not too many guests at all.

You see, um, I don't think

she'd be comfortable
around folks like us.

She's so accustomed
to being around doctors

and important clients
and things, you know.

Oh, really?

Uh-oh.

Hello, everybody.

I'd like you to meet
my lovely bride-to-be...

Donna, meet the family.

Hello, everybody.

I'm glad you could come.

How about a toast to
the bride and groom?

Woodrow, put that bottle down
before I unscrew your wrist.

It's not that we don't
want to toast you.

We just want to get to
know you a little better.

Right, ladies?

Right.

Yeah, right.

I was talking to
the ladies, fool.

Come, ladies.

Let's get to know the
bride-to-be a little better.

Yeah, let's do that.

Say... Say, where
you taking her?

In the kitchen
for a little girl talk.

Come on, honey...

Say, Fred, ain't
it a little late

for you to be getting married?

I'm still breathing, ain't I?

Are you really a nurse

or do you just
say you're a nurse

and all your patients
are heathens?

Well, I don't know
what you mean.

Why don't you get
married in a church?

Yeah, why don't you
get married in a church?

Why? I don't know.

We decided to have a
small and informal wedding.

You remember to
tell that to the Lord.

And the Lord will tell
you I am not come to call

to righteous but
sinners to repentance.

Right, sister. Amen.

Behold I stand at
the door and knock.

Where will you be when
the knock comes, sister?

So, she's a nurse, huh, Fred?

I bet she gives a
mean back rub, huh?

Edgar, how'd you like me
to rub this cross your lip?

How many doctors
you got on the side?

Oh, this has gone far enough!

Sit down!

You ain't finished answering
all our questions yet.

What kind of mother do
you intend to be to Lamont,

our favorite nephew?

You think you can
just walk in here

and take my sister
Elizabeth's place?

My sister had class.

Our whole family's got class.

You are nothing
but three witches!

Who are you calling
a witch, witch?

Both you guys, both of
you, get on out of my house.

Hey, wait a minute,
Fred. You can't put us out.

We're your relatives.
You're a damn liar.

Ain't nobody in my family's
like neither one of y'all.

Now get the hell out. Get out!

Get out of my way,
Fred! Get out of my way!

What's the matter?
Let me at her!

Turn me loose! Let me at her!

Donna! Donna! Let me at her!

Her behind is mine!

Listen.

What did you all do to her?

What did we do to her?

You mean what did she do to us?

She had the nerve
to call us witches.

And she was right.

You're three ugly witches.

And you married your husbands
and turned them into frogs.

Get out of here!

Get to jumping! Get out of here!

Fred Sanford, the wrath
of God will strike you down!

This Louisville Slugger
will knock you out!

And take this wino
out of here with you.

Come on!

Get him out of here!

Come in here and
mess up my wedding.

[KNOCKING]

There they are. Go ahead,
open the door for me.

Open the door, son.

Come on. Wait a minute, Pop.

It's Rev. Trimble.

What's going on here, Fred?

Why, people are
running away from here

like there was a riot going on.

There was.

What happened?

Well, here's what
happened, uh, Reverend.

Uh, Donna and I, we
ain't getting married.

But you can keep the ten bucks.

And it's your fault, dummy.

I knew if you invited them here,

it would be something
happening like this.

I told you it would.

I knew it. I knew it.

And... And you knew it.

You planned it.

Wait a minute, Pop. Now don't
go jumping to no conclusions.

All I'm jumping to
is upside your head.

Now look here, Reverend.

You didn't preach no
marriage, but stick around.

You can preach the funeral.

Wait a minute, Pop.

Wait a minute.

Rev. Trimble...

Now wait a minute,
Donna. Don't hang up again.

Listen, I never wanted
that gang over here.

It was Lamont's idea.

Yeah, honest it was.

See, let's do it again.

And next time we'll do it right.

See, we'll sneak down
somewhere nice like El Segundo.

Or maybe Gardena.

Yeah.

Or we can wait till June.

Then you'll be a June bride.

See, I can stick the
cake in the refrigerator...

No, the cake's
too big, it won't fit.

But I'll tell you what I'd
like to do with that cake.

I'd like to shove it
down Lamont's throat.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh, listen, Donna,
I'll call you back.

You know what I said I
wanted to do with that cake?

I'm gonna do it.

Lamont Sanford don't know

that he's about to star in a
new version of Deep Throat.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford and Son

is recorded on tape before
a live studio audience.

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