Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 6 - Lamont, Is That You? - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Listen, don't ever do
that to me again, Rollo.

Hey, man, I am sorry.

You drag me clear across town

and make me spend $5.00
to see some dumb movie.

Hey, it was supposed
to be a skin-flick classic.

Yeah, well, it
was the worst film

I ever seen, man.

It was rotten, and
it was disgusting.

I wouldn't take
no girl to see it.

I don't know why you took me.



Then how come you wanted to stay

and see it twice then?

Well, because I
couldn't believe it

the first time.

Hey, man, I don't know
why we're standing...

Listen, I should've known
better than to go see a flick

with a title like Deep Lips.

What are we standing out here

arguing for, anyway, man?

Why don't we go in
here and have a beer?

All right, but from
now on, Rollo,

I pick the movies, all right?

All right, all right.

I just got to get home, darling.



I'm sorry, honey, I have
so much to do tomorrow.

I have to get up and
get my fingernails fixed.

Wait a minute...

I have to get ready, darling.

Wait just one minute!

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, I had a ball,
didn't you, Steve?

Holy smoke.

What is it?

I'm sorry, but I got to
take you home, Lucille.

Home? This early in the evening?

What kind of jive
nonsense is this?

I'm sorry, but I got to go by

and see a sick friend.

A sick friend?

You ain't never told
me about no sick friend.

That's because
he ain't sick yet,

but he's going to be. Come on.

Get your hands off of me!

Well, you're batting a
thousand tonight, Rollo.

First, you take me
to see a dumb movie,

and then you take me into a bar

where everybody's...
Thanks a lot.

Hey, I didn't know,
man, and besides,

look at the whole thing
as sort of an adventure.

Man, be bold.

That's the first time
I've ever been in a bar

where all the
brothers were sisters.

Is that all you got to tell me,

that you saw my son, Lamont,
go into a bar with Rollo?

Wait a minute, now, Fred.

This wasn't no ordinary bar.

It was a sissy bar.

A what?

A sissy bar.

You know, where everybody is...

Well, how do you know that?

I looked in, Fred.

And you know something?

There wasn't one
chick in the entire place.

Oh, Bubba, you're
just imagining stuff.

That could've been
one of them places

where they have tables
for the ladies in the back.

Fred, the name of this
place was The Gay Blade.

The Gay Blade?

Yeah. You know
what gay is, don't you?

Yeah, I know what gay is.

That means happy.

Not anymore.

Aw, just because
everybody in the place was...

that don't mean
that Lamont is...

Well, what was he
doing in there then?

They were just looking around.

Him and Rollo do
that all the time.

Then he comes
home, tells me about it,

and we have a big laugh,
and that's the end of it.

But, look, if you see two
guys go into a sissy bar,

what are you supposed to think?

Well, look, Bubba,

me and you went into one of
them bottomless bars, didn't we?

That didn't mean we
stopped wearing pants.

That's different, Fred.

That's different than...

You know something?

Somebody told me
that's catching on.

Oh, Bubba, that's ridiculous.

I don't even want to talk...

You're a ridiculous old man.

No, I ain't. No, I ain't.

I don't want to
hear nothing about...

Hey, Pop. Hey, Bubba.

What's the matter with y'all?

Oh. Oh, nothing. Nothing wrong.

Say, look, Pop, is there any
cold beer in the refrigerator,

or did y'all drink it all?

No, there's some
more in the refrigerator.

Oh, good, because I'm thirsty.

Go ahead. Ask him,
ask him, ask him.

Hey, son?

Did you and Rollo
go to the movies

like you said you were?

Yeah.

Ask him where'd he
go after that. Go ahead.

Where'd you all go after that?

Say, what is this,

some kind of cross-examination?

After Rollo and
I left the movie,

we went and had
a couple of beers.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'm going to go
upstairs and go to sleep.

Good night, Bubba.

Go ahead. Ask him, ask him.

Hey, wait a minute, son. I
have to ask you something.

Wait a minute.

Bubba was just leaving.
Come on, Bubba.

Wait a minute, Sanford...

I've got to ask a question here.

All right, what do you
want to talk about?

Well, it's... Ow!

Guess Bubba
stumbled on something

out there in the yard.

Come on. Sit down, son.

Say, Pop, would you mind

telling me what
this is all about?

I would like to get some sleep.

Just listen.

Now, son, you and Rollo

have been going out
quite a bit lately, ain't you?

Yeah, well, Rollo's a
good friend of mine, Pop,

and we have some
good times together. So?

Well, why don't you take
Judy Ann out some time?

Ain't she supposed
to be your girlfriend?

Yeah, but she's getting to
be like all the rest of them,

a pain.

Women is always
arguing and fussing

and taking up your
time and your money,

and then they dump
you for some other dude.

Oh, so that's why you've
been going out with Rollo, huh?

I guess you could say that.

Well, good night, Pop.

Okay, son.

Still walks all right.

[CAR ENGINE STOPS]

Hi, doc.

[DOC COUGHS]

Good morning, Mr. Sanford.

Uh, doc... Glad you
could make it, doc.

What's the trouble?
You have a bad night?

No, it's not me,
doctor. It's my son.

Oh? What's the matter with him?

Well...

I don't know how
to tell you this, doc,

but I'm worried about my son.

Well, what is it?

Well, see, he always
used to go out with girls,

but he ain't doing that no more,

and he's just going
out with his friend, Rollo.

Mr. Sanford, are
you suggesting that

your son might be displaying
homosexual tendencies?

No, I'm suggesting my son
might be turning into a sissy.

Uh, is that possible, doc?

I mean, I hear it's
going around now.

Well, I don't know.

I don't know your son very well.

Well, is there some kind of test

you could give him?

No, there is no test, per se.

I could ask him some
leading questions,

if you like,

and perhaps he
would reveal himself,

and then we could
take it from there.

Where would we take it to?

Well... Why don't
we just wait and see?

In any case,

no one ever died
from it, you know.

Well, he'd be the first one,

when I find out.

Where is your son, Mr. Sanford?

He's in the kitchen,
having breakfast.

That's why I came out here,

so we could talk.

See, you come on in the house,

and pretend like you
came to examine me,

and then we'll
switch it over to him.

I understand.

See, you just examine me,

and then I'll take
over from there.

Now, Mr. Sanford,

I want you to take
a good, deep breath.

Mm-hm.

[FRED WHEEZES]

Yes, indeed.

[FRED WHEEZES]

That's it.

All right. Mm-hm.

[WHEEZING]

Yes.

Say, Pop, what's
the matter with you?

I didn't know you were sick.

I didn't hear you
come in, Dr. Caldwell.

Oh, good morning, son.

I had a slight heart
attack last night,

but I'm all right now.

And, look,

when the doctor
finishes examining me,

why don't you let
him examine you?

Examine me?

There ain't nothing
wrong with me.

What your father
probably has in mind

is a check-up to detect
any problem early,

so we can nip it in the bud.

Yeah, doc, nip it.

Nip it in the bud.

But there's nothing
wrong with me. I feel great.

Yeah, but remember last week?

You was complaining

about how your back was hurting?

Yeah, I was complaining
about my back hurting me

because I lifted that
stove all by myself,

but I feel fine now.

Listen, just let the
doctor examine you.

Just come on over here.

I don't need no examination.

Just come on.

I already told you that.

Will you come over here?

What's the matter with you?
I don't need no examination.

Sit down here.

Hey, doc, see what you can nip.

I'm going in there and
make a fresh pot of coffee.

So you were lifting a
stove all by yourself?

Yeah.

You don't get much
help from your father?

Do you know how much
help I get from him, doc?

Zero. That's how much
help I get from him.

Mm-hm. I suppose

he's got a lot to
do around here.

I mean, the work
that's ordinarily done

by the woman of the house...

The cooking, the cleaning,
the washing, the ironing.

Who does all that?

That's a very good question,

because he certainly doesn't.

Mm-hm.

Do you miss having a
woman around the house?

I mean, do you miss your mother?

Well... what?

Well, I was just a kid
when my mother died,

but, like, she was
a wonderful person.

She had a real strong character.

Pop tells me that
I take after her.

Then you would say

that your mother
was the dominant one

in the family?

Well, I guess you
could say that.

Say, uh, I'd like
to sit down here

and talk to you
some more, doctor,

but I really got to get to work.

Well, that's all right,
young man. I'm finished.

Good. How's my back?

Your back? Oh, your back.

You're fine, Lamont.

Your discs are all in order.

Say, all finished, doc?

How is he?

His back is fine, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, my discs are all in order.

Oh, that's good.

That's good news to know
your discs are in order.

Uh, doc, come on,
I'll walk you to the car.

Lamont, why don't you have

some of that fresh
coffee I just made?

Go ahead, have some.

Look here, doc.

What do you think?
Could you tell anything?

Well, he feels that he
had a dominant mother,

and that's generally a clue.

Then he is?

On the other hand,

he shows no outward
signs that would be revealing.

That means he ain't.

But he says he
takes after his mother.

Then he is?

However, he likes the idea
of a woman around the house.

He ain't?

I didn't say that.

Well, what are you saying?

I don't know.

Well, what do you know?

The one thing I do
know is... I don't know.

Well, what do you suggest?

I don't know.

Let's just wait and
see how things develop.

Let me know if you
detect any change

in his speech, or his behavior,

or his dress.

Don't tell me he's
going to put on a dress.

No, Mr. Sanford, I meant
his wearing apparel,

and that'll be $10, please.

I only got $5.00, doc.

Well, when can I
get the other $5.00?

I don't know.

Bye, doc.

Say, what you doing
combing your hair?

What kind of question is that?

Why does anybody
comb their hair?

To look neat.

Well, you're just
going to a job.

Pop, just because
I work in junk,

don't mean I
have to look like it.

Now, I come in contact
with a lot of people

out there in the
streets, you know.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Like, in case you ran into

one of them nice
interesting females, huh?

In case I should
run into whoever.

See ya, Pop.

It's that "whoever"
that worries me.

I can see it all happening now.

I can see me changing the
sign from Sanford and Son

to Sanford and...

[LAMONT HUMMING]

What's that smell I
smell? Is that you?

Yeah, that's my
new cologne, Pop.

It's called Brut.

Brut? Should call it "Brutal."

Well, for your information,
Willie Mays wears it.

That's why they stuck him
way out there in centerfield.

Say, listen, you going
out with Rollo again?

Say, what is it with you
and all these questions?

Where am I going?
Who am I going out with?

You never used to ask
these questions before.

Well, I got to ask
you these questions.

You're still my son, ain't you?

Of course I'm your son, Pop,

and I didn't mean
to snap at you,

but listen, you know I tell you

everything I do, don't you?

You do? Of course I do.

Well, where are you going
and what you going to do?

Okay, I'm going out with Rollo,

and we don't know
what we're going to do.

All right?

All right, and I'm
going out myself.

Are you going out?
Where you going?

Me and Bubba are
going to the movies.

They got a triple horror film
over at the Paradise theater.

Triple feature, and
it's only 99 cents.

Yeah, that comes to
about 33 cents a horror.

That ain't bad.

Right.

Now, you're sure... you're sure

you're going out
with Bubba, right?

Yeah, and you're sure
you're going out with Rollo?

Right.

Right, I'll see you, son.

Okay, Pop.

Hey, Pops. What it is?

What it was.

Right on.

I see you stepping
out tonight, huh?

Well, I was stepping out,

but after meeting you,

it's more like stepping
into something.

Jack, you one
cold-blooded old dude.

Say, listen here.

Yes?

Why you always
going out with my son?

Lamont? He's my man.

Your man?

Yeah, my man. My main man.

Your main man?

I'm going to see you later on.

Look, we're tight partners.

Me and Lamont
are just like that.

Elizabeth...

if you're looking down
on all this, honey...

Don't look.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, man, what's so funny?

It ain't nothing, man.

I just ran into your
old man outside.

That is one funny old dude.

You think so, huh?

Hey, come on. Let's split.

Uh, well, uh...

I'm not going out
with you tonight, Rollo.

You ain't going?

No.

You're going to pass up

one of the greatest
skin-flicks of all time

to stay home on
a Saturday night?

Is you a fool?

Hey, man, I already
seen your skin-flicks, Rollo.

Hey, but, Lamont, look,
this flick is different, man.

It's called The Mile-High Club,

and it's all about these
350 swinging couples

in the baggage
compartment of a 747.

Hey, man, I don't
care what it's about.

Now, dig... I made
myself a phone call,

I got the place all to myself...

My mind is made up,
and so is my game.

Hey, right on. Look here.

Later. On the futher, brother.

This is the place, Fred.

I saw Lamont and
Rollo go right in here.

Look up there.
See? The Gay Blade.

We'd better get on inside.

Rollo was just
getting to the house

as I was leaving.

Well, suppose Lamont
sees you in there, then what?

Oh, they won't see us. Know why?

Because we can
sit way in the back,

and besides... put these on.

I feel kind of weird.

That won't mean
nothing in there, Bubba.

I guess it takes
all kinds, eh, Fred?

Yeah, and listen, Bubba,

when we get inside there,
don't smile at nobody.

All right.

I mean, don't smile at nobody.

Okay. Okay, Fred.

Come on.

Ciao!

Didn't I tell you don't
smile at nobody?

Don't smile! Get
on in there, Bubba.

Please don't smile.

I don't believe it.

Them two old dudes? No, no.

What?

Hey, man, I saw your
old man and Bubba

go into The Gay Blade.

Come on, Rollo.

What kind of joke is this, man?

It ain't funny.

Hey, man, I swear on a
stack of Bibles this high

that the two old dudes was
going into The Gay Blade.

Can you get ready for that?

Look, man, just
because you saw them

going into The Gay Blade,

now, that don't mean nothing.

Look, my father's always
looking for weird places to go into.

Now, he goes in there,
and sits at the bar,

and nurses a can of
beer for a few hours,

then he comes on home,

and tells me about
the whole thing.

It don't mean nothing.

Hey, they weren't at the bar.

Well, where were they?

They was tucked
away in a corner.

Well, they probably
just wanted to get

a better view of
the place, that's all.

And they was
wearing dark glasses.

Hey, look, Rollo,

you're talking about
my old man now.

Hey, baby, look,

I'm just telling you what I saw.

And... and as far as
Bubba's concerned,

Bubba's been married twice.

Yeah, you know
what they say too?

If you can't hold a job, you
change your line of work.

You ain't wrapped
too tight, Rollo.

Hey, you don't believe me,

why don't you ask your old man

when he comes...

Listen, I don't have
to ask him nothing,

because we don't have
no secrets in this house.

He'll come in here
and tell me everything

that went on out there.

I don't have to ask him nothing.

What's the matter?

Uh, uh... nothing. Nothing, Pop.

See, I thought you
two were going out.

Yeah, but we changed our minds.

Listen, any cold beer
in the refrigerator?

Yeah, there's some
beer in the refrigerator.

Think I'll get me one.

Ask him. Ask the dude.

Say, Pop... Yeah?

Um, you didn't go to
that movie with Bubba,

like you said you was, did you?

No.

Well, where did you go?

Out.

Now I'm in, now I'm
going up and lay down.

But wait a minute,
Pop. I want to talk to you.

You see, Rollo was
just going home.

Hey, wait a minute!

Good night, Rollo.

Didn't I just...
Good night, Rollo.

See, Pop...

Come on over here
and sit down, Pop.

You and Rollo

really ain't going out
tonight, then, huh?

No, no, we're not going out.

[HUMS]

Well, I guess I'll go to bed.

Wait a minute, Pop.

Pop, you remember
when I was a little kid,

you told me that any
time I ever wanted

to talk to you about anything,

that I could just come
and talk to you about it?

Uh-huh.

Well, see, there's something
that I want to ask you,

and I don't quite
know how to do it, see,

because it's kind
of embarrassing,

but it's something that I
got to know, see, and...

Listen, son, I know what
you're going to ask me.

You do?

Sure. See, it's all my fault.

It started 15 years ago

when we were having a
father and son discussion,

and I was telling you
about the birds and the bees,

and when I got to the
part about the birds,

a customer came in
and interrupted me.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about

maybe we should start
where we left off from.

[KNOCKING]

Ain't that something?

It always happens at
the most important part.

Yeah.

Hi, Lamont.

Hey, Pop, you remember
Judy Ann Fisher?

Yeah, yeah. Hi, Judy Ann.

Good evening, Mr. Sanford.

Listen, don't tell me
you two got a date?

Yeah, see, we thought
you was going to go out,

and we'd have the
place to ourselves,

but if you want me to, I
can take Judy Ann home

and me and you can talk.

No, no, no.

Come a time when a man
should have the house by himself.

I'm going out anyway.

Wait a minute. Don't
let me run you off.

This is just as much
your house as it is mine.

Oh, no, no. I have
a date with Donna.

With Donna? You
got a date with Donna?

Yeah, I got a standing
dinner date with Donna

every Saturday.

Hey, man, I think
that's fantastic, Pop.

Hey, you sure it's not too late?

Oh, no. You know that saying,

"The later the dinner,
the bigger the women"?

Yeah.

I'll see you, son.
Goodbye, Judy Ann.

Goodbye, Mr. Sanford.

Oh, oh, Pop?

You remember
that little discussion

that we was going to have?

Mm-hm. Forget it.

Yeah, and you know that saying,

"Don't do nothing
I wouldn't do"?

Yeah.

Forget that too.

All right.

You do what you want to do.

All right.

Yeah, set on down there.

♪ It's your thang ♪

♪ Do what You want to do ♪

♪ I can't tell you
Who to sock it to ♪♪

Wow!

[RAPPING AT DOOR]

Rollo.

Hey, what to know, dude.

Hey, what's the good word, Pops?

The good word, Rollo,
is when you say goodbye.

Well, what do you want
to do tonight, Rollo?

Hey, man, there's
this great movie,

just opened.

It's all about a sailor

being held captive on an island

by a hundred Amazon women

with his hands tied
behind his back.

Not another one
of your skin-flicks.

Hey, man, but this
is the uncut version,

and besides, a partner of
mine gave me two tickets.

It's for free.

I don't care if it is
free. I'm not going.

I think the whole
thing is disgusting.

Rollo, why you always
coming around here,

taking my son to see
them disgusting movies

and corrupting his mind?

Corrupting his mind?

That's right.

He's a grown man, ain't he?

But he ain't old enough
and he ain't mature enough

to handle that kind of stuff.

Well, how old do
you got to be, Pop?

Around 60 or 65.

Say, where is this
movie playing at, anyway?

The Kitty Kat Theater.

The what? The Kitty Kat?

Give me them.

Where you going?

Huh?

Where are you going?

Meow!

Man... Meow-ow.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford
and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.