Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 24 - Hello Cousin Emma... Goodbye Cousin Emma - full transcript

Grady's cousin Emma comes in from Chicago for a visit, promising to make things easier for Grady and Lamont by doing all the cooking and cleaning. Lamont correctly suspects that she's a freeloader when she makes a variety of excuses to get out of work while Grady defends her. After a while, even Grady begins to see through her empty promises, so he and Lamont devise a scheme to get her out of the house by pretending to have an extremely contagious skin disease.


Aw... Hey, Grady.
How are you doing?

Aw... Hey. Aw, look at that.

Okay, what are you looking at?

I was just going through
my old album here,

looking at some of
my family pictures.

Aw, look at that one.

You know who that naked baby is

on the bearskin rug?

No, Grady, let me guess.

Yeah, that's me...

Without the beard, of course.

Oh, of course.

Say, Grady, isn't
it embarrassing

having a picture like
that of yourself around?

Oh, no. Almost every
baby in the family

had a picture taken
on that bearskin rug.

That was the most
popular rug in town...

And the wettest.

They put you on a wet rug?

Well, they said I made
my contribution too.

Well, what's with
this sudden interest

all of a sudden in your
family album, Grady?

Oh, well, I had forgotten
what Cousin Emma looked like,

so I thought I'd
better check it out

so I could recognize
her when she gets here.

When she gets here? Uh-huh.

Your cousin Emma is coming here?

Well, yeah.

She called from the bus station,

and she says she'd be here soon.

Here, meaning this house?

Well, I hope your cousin Emma
ain't planning on staying here.

Oh, no, nope, nope, nope. Uh-uh.

No, she's moving from Chicago,

and she's going
to get herself a job.

She does housekeeping.

Yeah. Is this my
lunch? What is it?

Oh yeah, that's your sandwich.

That's peanut butter
and hoghead cheese

on pumpernickel bread

with a slice of onion.


And a little mayonnaise.


Well, just as long as
your cousin Emma,

ain't planning on
staying here, Grady,

because you know Pop
wouldn't dig that too tough.

You don't have to
worry about that.

She wouldn't stay
even if I asked her to.

She's very independent.

Oh, good.

And proud.

Go ahead, ask me if she
ever applied for welfare.

Did... Did she ever
apply for welfare?


And even then, she
sent her husband.

Proud woman. Proud.


There, that's probably
Cousin Emma right now.

Now, you go ahead

and you finish your sandwich,

and when you get through,
come on out and say hello.

I mean, she's proud too.

That was... I mean...
Hey, that was...

Cousin Emma!

Oh, let me look at you...

The same Grady
Wilson, except the beard.

Who is this?

Oh, that's Lamont Sanford.

He's the son of my best friend

who left me in charge here

while he's away in St. Louis.

Ain't he cute?

Grady, Grady, you
know who he looks like?

He looks just like
Sidney Poitier. Mm!

Uh, where, under the arms?

No, no, really.

How come some little girl

hasn't come along
and stolen you away?

Well, I, uh, I'm not
in any particular hurry

to get married.

How old are you?


Thirty-one? Yes, ma'am.

If you wait much longer,

you ain't going to
have no June bride.

You're going have
a Geritol bride.

A Geritol bride!

Ain't she funny, Lamont?


You wasn't like that, Grady.

You was a devil

when you was a young fellow.

Yeah, well, that's true.
I was sort of a devil.

You know, back in Chicago,

they used to call him the
Sheik of Drexel Avenue.

Every Saturday night,

he had some woman chasing him.

What'd he do, snatch her purse?

Well, no, that's true.

They used to call me
Grady the Lady-killer.

You sure got a nice place here.

How many bedrooms have you got?

Two. One!

How many?

Well, there's one for me
and there's one for him.

Oh, well, that's what
I've got to find me,

a room.

Oh, hey, Emma,
don't worry about it.

You'll find a room.

Now, just come on
over here and sit down.

Take a load off your feet.

Well, I don't want to
waste no time, now.

I want job and a place to live.

Have you got this
morning's paper

so I can look up the want-ads?

Emma, you just got here.
Now, what's your hurry?

Now, just take it easy.

Well, Grady, I don't
want to be no trouble,

and I thought I'd find
me a nice motel to stay in

for a while.

Oh, no, now,

you don't want to
stay in no motel.

You know, a lot of those motels

show those dirty
movies, you know?


Not all motels
show dirty movies.

I mean, some of them are nice.

Maybe I can find me
a nice rooming house

to live in.

Do you know a
nice rooming house?

Someplace nice and
homey, like this nice place.

Well, Emma, you're not
going to find anyplace

your first day in town.

I'll tell you what.

Now, why don't you
stay here a few days

until you get settled down?

I know a nice
motel in El Segundo.

She's not going
to stay in a motel.

Now, Emma, you
just stay right here.

No, no, absolutely
not. I won't hear of it.

Did you hear that, Grady?

Absolutely not. She
wouldn't hear of that.

Now, why not?

Because it's not fair,

and I don't want
to be no trouble,

and you've only
got two bedrooms.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Now, Lamont can sleep with me,

and you take his room.


Oh, no, I couldn't
do that to Lamont.

Did you hear that? Cousin
Emma couldn't do that to Lamont.

Well, sure you
can. Do it to him.

Oh, I couldn't do
it to him. Unless...


Unless you let me do
the cooking, the washing,

and ironing, the cleaning,
and the making of the beds.

That way I'd feel like
I was paying my way.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We
could never have that.

We'd never have
you do all those things.

Well, then, I guess I'll
go back to the bus station

and sleep in the ladies' toilet.

I'll drive you.

No, now, wait a minute, Emma.

Okay, all right,

you can do all those things

you said you were going to do.

Didn't I tell you
that she was proud?

But I just really
wouldn't feel right

having a relative
of mine staying here

and working for nothing.

Well, it ain't for nothing.

You're giving me
a place to stay.

Now, what time is breakfast?

I'm going to get a
good night's sleep,

and then I'm going to
fix you both a breakfast

you ain't ever going to forget.

Do you like hotcakes
and sausages

and blueberry muffins
and scrambled eggs?

You're going to fix all of that?

I am.

Oh, Lord, Emma,

you're just going to
spoil us around here.

Don't get too used to it,

because I'm going
to find me a job

and be out of here tomorrow.

Which one is your
bedroom, honey?

Oh, it's the first
one on the right.

Now, give me this suitcase
and I'll help you up the stairs.

No, I can do that.

You ain't going to
do nothing for me.

I'm going to do it all for you.

Okay, Emma, we'll be
up there in a few minutes

and show you
where everything is.

Oh, thank you, Grady.

Thank you, Lamont.

Oh, the Lord will
reward you for this.

I deserve a reward
for sleeping... Grady...


What's the matter with you?

You're a guest here yourself.

What gives you the right
to be giving up my room?

Look, I'm sorry about that,

but you can't let her
sleep out in the street,

and besides, your conscience
would keep you awake all night.

Yeah, well, that's better

than your snoring
keeping me awake.

I snore?

Yes, you snore, and
you suck your teeth.

Okay, all right.

I promise I won't suck my teeth.


You're doing it right
now, Grady Wilson.

You're sucking your teeth!

Well, if I suck them now, I
won't suck them in my sleep.


Grady... Grady!


You're sucking your teeth again.

How could I be sucking my teeth

when I was sleeping?

Well, you're sucking
them in your sleep.

And move over.

You're trying to hog
up this whole bed.

I'm over as far as I can go.

I don't want to be too
near those toenails.

When did you cut them
things last, anyway?

This is like sleeping
with Fu Manchu!

I never should have agreed

to go along with
this in the first place,

and that's what I get
for being Mr. Nice Guy.

Just think of the nice breakfast

we're going to
have in the morning,

the blueberry muffins,
the scrambled eggs,

the sausage... [SNORING]


What is it?

You hear that?



It sounds... sounds
like a plane taking off.

We are near the
airport, aren't we?

That plane ain't taking off.

It's landed.

And it landed in my
room. It's a DC-Emma!

Oh, that's because
she's in there

sleeping on her back.

You want to go in there

and roll her over
on her stomach?

No, I don't want to go in there

and roll her over
on her stomach!

What do I look
like, a seal trainer?

Okay, all right, all right.

Just close your
eyes and go to sleep.

How am I supposed to sleep

with that roaring
going on in there?

Well, just try and forget it.

I mean, do like me.

Just think about
the nice breakfast

we're going to
have in the morning.




Lamont, are you awake?

Barely, barely. Oh...

I hardly slept a wink all night.

Oh yeah? I slept like a baby.

A baby octopus.


You were all over
that bed, Grady.

How many elbows
do you have, anyway?

Listen, man, today
your cousin Emma goes.

Now, don't be so hasty...

Today, Grady. Today.

She's probably in
the kitchen right now.

Now, it'll all be worth it

when we go in there
and see the breakfast

that Cousin Emma
has prepared for us.

Oh, I could smell
it out here now.

It smells so good!

Come on. Just get in there.

She's not here.

You know what you smelled?

You forgot to take the
garbage out last night.

Wow. I wonder where
Cousin Emma is.

I've got a pretty good idea.

Oh, she's probably out shopping

for our breakfast right now.

That's where she is.

Come on, let's go to the
door and help her out with it.

Yeah, she probably
didn't see what she needed

around the house,

so she just went on
down to the store...

Hey, sport.

Good morning, Grady.
Good morning, Lamont.

Good morning, Cousin Emma.

Do you feel all right?

No, I don't, now that you ask.

I didn't sleep a
wink last night.

You didn't, huh?

Not a wink.

Well, there must
be a giant cockroach

up in your room
snoring awfully loud.

Well, I guess I'll go fix
breakfast like I promised.

Oh! Oh!

Cousin Emma, are you
sure you feel up to it, now?

Of course I feel up to it.

You just wait right out here.

I'll have it ready in a jiffy.

Oh... Oh... [MOANING]

I'm going down to the
diner to get some breakfast.

I don't want to be
around to see this.

Now, wait a minute.
Come on, now.

Just give her a chance.

This is her first time
in a strange house.

Grady, she ain't in no condition

to do nothing, man.

She'll probably
fall in the sink.

No, she'll be all
right. Just give her...


She fell in the sink.

Cousin Emma! Cousin
Emma, are you all right?

Oh, cousin Emma.

Oh, Grady, I'm so sorry,

but it just slipped

right on through my hands. Oh.

You see, I get
these dizzy spells.

I know.

Now, just come on
over here and sit down.

Just take it easy, now.

I'll just sit here

till I get over my dizzy spell,

and then I'm going
to fix you both

a nice breakfast.

Now, Emma, maybe you
really don't feel up to it,

so why don't you just let
me fix breakfast, all right?

Oh, no, no, no,
that wouldn't be fair,

and I don't want
to be no trouble,

and I said I'd do it,

but if you insist on
fixing the breakfast,

then right on.

Now, now, yeah, Emma,
now, Lamont and I can handle it.

Lamont will help me,
won't you, Lamont?

I'm going... Thanks
for helping me, Lamont.

Yeah, we'll take care of it.

Well, I'll let you do that,

but then you clear
out of the kitchen

so I can do the
dishes and the cleaning

and fix you a nice big supper.

Yeah, well, Emma, you
see, I'm in charge here,

so I don't ever leave anyway.

Well, you'll just be in my way,

so you just clear out

after you're finished
the breakfast.

But, Emma... No
"buts." Just out.

Where are you going now, Emma?

Going back to my bedroom
until breakfast is ready.

I want to be good and
rested for my day's work.

Call me... Call
me when it's ready.

You want to know what I think?

I think your cousin
Emma is a goldbrick.

Oh, no, don't say that.

She's just got to get
used to the place, that's all.

She's not going to
be here that long.

The only good thing
about this whole mess

is that you get a chance to
go out on the truck with me.

Oh, now, I can't lift
no heavy stuff, now,

so don't expect too much.

Mm-hmm. You and Cousin
Emma, y'all can't lift nothing,

but you sure know
how to throw it around.

Yeah, I feel sorry for her.

That's what happens

when they go through the change.

You mean the change of life?

No, changing from
Chicago to Los Angeles.

I'm telling you, Grady Wilson,

if your cousin Emma
don't have no supper ready,

I'm personally
going to go in there...

Ta ta ta.

I could smell our
supper out here.

Mm, do you smell
those pinto beans?

Yes, but they're coming
from Julio's house.

I'm telling you, if she
don't have no supper ready,

I'm not going to put
up with this, because...


She's not in the kitchen.

You know what I think?

I think she's upstairs in bed.

I'll bet you she spent
the whole day in bed.

Oh, no, Emma wouldn't
do anything like that.



EMMA: Yeah? I'll be right there.


Is your cousin Emma a
goldbrick, or is she a goldbrick?

I knew it.

I knew it the first day

she was going to be trouble.

I wonder if she's really sick.

Come on, Grady, you're
not buying all of this.

You don't believe
she's stringing us along?

Well, you know,
older women like that

have things wrong with them.

Maybe she's got a gallbladder.

She's got them
both, gall and bladder.

But mostly she's got gall.

I want her out of this
house today, Grady Wilson.

You got that? Today!

Hi, Grady. Hi, Lamont.

I'm so sorry.

I would have had supper ready...

but I began feeling bad.

Was it another dizzy spell?

No, I was putting on my
dress, and my hip went out,

and now I'm walking crooked.

Oh, but I'll be fine
in the morning.

I'm going to fix you
a nice big breakfast.

Do you like pancakes
and strawberry syrup?

Emma, uh, look.

You don't have
to worry about us.

As a matter of fact,

why don't you just
sit down over here

and just take it easy,

and we'll get supper ready.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure, Emma.

Well, I'd do it, but
I'm still a little dizzy,

and the room is spinning around.


Never mind. Just
take it it easy, Emma.

Lamont... Get in the kitchen!

In the kitchen! Just
get in the kitchen!

Grady, you...

Don't worry about a thing, now.

Just hush.

Now, I didn't see it at first,

but now I see it. I see it all.

Well, I sure wish
you'd show it to me.

Well, now, you
see, she's a relative,

so I've got to
be a little subtle.

I have to sort of ease into it.

Well, why don't you ease

on out into the living room

and tell Emma to ease
the hell out of here?

Well, no, that's
not subtle enough.

I've got another idea.

I'm sorry I can't help you.

Oh, but you just wait

and see the big breakfast
I'm going to fix you

in the morning.

Well, your hip seems to
be okay now, Cousin Emma.

Well, I... I can sit straight,
but I walk crooked.

Uh, Cousin Emma,

Lamont and I were
in the kitchen there

trying to figure out

what we were going
to have for supper.

Now, how would you
like fried chicken wings

and Rice-A-Roni?

Oh, that sounds fine.

Or maybe you'd
like to go Italian?

Veal parmigiana
and Spaghetti-Os?

That sounds good.

Uh, let's see. What else...

Hey, Grady, what's
the matter with you?

I don't know, Lamont,
but I think I've got it.

I think it was being
out on the truck again.

Oh, no! Not again.
That's twice this month.

Lamont, I'm sure I've got it.

Got what? What have you got?

It's the... It's the...

It's the...

It's the Junkman's Itch
or the Hong Kong Hives.

Yeah, and if you've got it,

that means I've got it too.

What is the Hong Kong Hives?

Well, it's a...
It's a... It's a...

It's a disease that
you get, Emma,

from working around a junkyard,

and it's very contagious.

Very contagious.

But you don't have to worry,

as long as you don't touch
anything that we touch.

You see...

You see these... These hives
breaking out on my arm here?

Oh, I touched her!

Crazy fool!

Oh, my God. What do I do now?

Well, you've got
to do what we do.

You've got to take
a hot vinegar bath

and scrub yourself all
over with Brillo pads.

I'm going upstairs
and start mine now.

Yeah, hey, Lamont,
when you're through,

run the tub for me!

Emma, you can take
one after I get through.

Yours haven't
started to spread yet.

Hey, hey, that was
pretty good, Grady.

Do you think she went for it?

I don't know, but we'll
know in a few minutes.

I think I hear her
in your room now.

Well, I hope she's
going in there to pack.

Yeah, I don't know what
she's doing, but she...

Shh. I hear her now. I hear her.

Now she's sounds like
she's running downstairs.

Did you hear the front
door open and close?

No, it sounds like she's
going in the kitchen.

Oh, oh, Lamont, you know what?

Now, if she's a true Wilson,

she might just be
coming through in a pinch.


You know, some
people are like that.

They can't get going
unless there's a crisis.

You know, like Nixon. You
see what he's doing now?

Let's get downstairs

and see if she's in the kitchen.




She's gone!

Hey, her bag's not out here.

She must be gone.

I've got to hand it to you.

We did it.


Well, I come up with a
goodie every now and then.

Put her there, Grady. Okay.

Well, now we can
have our supper.

Good idea.

Have ourselves some
fried chicken wings

and Rice-A-Roni...

Rice-A-Roni, fried
chicken wings.

Hey, the fried chicken wings

and Rice-A-Roni, it's gone.

I think she took
the chicken wings

and Rice-A-Roni.

She did what?


Well, what the heck, Grady?

Look, man, it was worth it.

At least we got rid of her.

Yeah. That's right.

What's the matter
with you, Grady?

I don't know, but
I'm beginning to itch.


Well, stop, because
you're making me itch.

You think maybe
we really got it?

Got what?

The Junkman's Itch.

Grady, we made that up, man.

That don't exist.

Where are you going?

Upstairs to take a bath!

Hang on!

Let me go first!


I'll get that. I'll get it.

Who is it, Lamont?

Are you expecting somebody?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Why don't you go on
back there in the kitchen

and finish washing dishes?

That is what you
was doing, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah, but who's
at the door, Lamont?

Oh, hi, sugar.
You're right on time.


Who's that, Lamont?

Oh, I'm sorry, Grady.
This is my cousin.

Cousin Lorraine...
and Cousin Lorraine

is going to be staying
with us for a while,

right, Cousin Lorraine?

Anything you say, baby.

If you can have a
cousin stay with you,

then so can I.

Well, can I talk to
you for a minute?

Oh, sure. Excuse
me, Cousin Lorraine.

You know, I thought we
had learned our lesson

from that.

You know, that experience
we had with Cousin Emma,

and she couldn't do anything.

Now, maybe it'll happen again.

Oh, no chance, Grady. No.

Well, why not?

Show him what you do
best, Cousin Lorraine.


Well, why don't you go on
back in the kitchen, Grady?

Wait a minute, now.
That ain't no cousin.

You... You can't fool me.

I know a cousin when I see one,

and that ain't no cousin.

If that's the way
it's going to be,

I want a cousin too!


and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.