Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 1 - The Surprise Party - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

He's gonna be surprised.

Hey, man, I can't
wait till Pop gets here.

WOMAN: We can't either.

Hey, Lamont, I think...

I think this dip is ready now.

Hey, let me have it, Jack.

I'll taste it for you.

Oh, no. Not you, Capone.

Capone?



Yeah, I know you.

You'll put the dip in your mouth
and the spoon in your pocket.

Try this out, Lamont.

Hey, what is it, Grady?

Oh, that's, uh, a
sour cream base

with chopped sour...
pickles, chopped sauerkraut,

chopped sweet-and-sour
ham hocks,

and my special
secret sour-soul sauce.

Grady, would those
bandages on your fingers

happen to have anything to do

with your special
secret sour-soul sauce?

Oh, yeah. They
stop the flow of it.

Take it in the kitchen

and dump it in the garbage.



In the kitchen?

In the kitchen.

In the garbage? In the garbage.

Oh, now, I been really
working on this, Lamont.

I mean, what a waste of sour!

You don't look the
same to me, Donna.

What is it?

Don't tell me.

You've gotten old.

Haven't we all?

And fast.

I know you don't
like me, Esther.

You never have.

Ever since Fred
and I got engaged,

but I understand that.

After all, he was
married to your sister

and it's natural for you to feel
that no one can take her place.

So, I'm not offended
by your remarks,

and will not answer
you back... Cow!

Cow?

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey,
hold it down. He's coming.

He's coming? He's coming!

Everybody, hide!

Look, I'll turn out the lights.
Everybody, find a place.

ALL: Surprise!

I locked myself
out of the kitchen...

But that was nice of you all

to surprise me
like that, though.

Where's my presents?

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, wait.

Hey, man, his car showed up!

Okay, look.

It's an airport limousine.

Everybody, find a place to hide.

He's here! he's here!

Everybody, be quiet. Shh, shh.

GRADY: Ow!

LAMONT: Grady, would you
shut up and get behind the sofa?

AUNT ESTHER: Who did that?

GRADY: Well, I'm sorry, Esther.

I thought you was the sofa.

LAMONT: Would you keep
it down? Just be quiet. Shh.

ALL: Surprise!

[GUESTS CHEERING]

Hey, welcome home, Pop.

Oh, Fred!

Oh, Fred.

Please, Esther.

My two favorite ladies
out of the fairy tale...

Well!

Beauty... and the Beast.

Why you want to insult
me, Fred Sanford?

I didn't insult you.

Now, I could've called you

a pimple-headed
evil-doing heathen,

but I didn't.

That's right, Fred. She didn't.

And I could've called you

a frog-eyed fish-eating
fool, but I didn't!

And I could've called you

a monkey-faced
fat-bottom gorilla,

but I didn't... So, now, I will,

you fat-bottom
gorilla-faced ape!

Oh!

Now, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute, now.

This is a... Aunt Esther.

This is a welcome-home party.

Everybody's here
to have a good time.

[ALL AGREEING]

What it is, Pops?

Ask your mama what it is.

I bet she don't even know.

Come on, Pops. Cheers.

Cheers?

Is that what you want?

Yippie-yippie, yay-yay.

Look who got out of jail today!

Come on, Pops.

You want some more?

Do you?

All right. Bim, bam, boom!

Somebody get this
nigger out of my room!

Hey, man. Come on.

Come on.

Let bygones be bygones, man.

No, let's let goodbyes,
be good-byes.

Goodbye.

Hey, Fred.

It's nice seeing you, man.

Yeah, and it's good
to see you, Bubba.

It's good your old lady

let you out of
the house tonight.

Oh, man, she didn't
let me out the house.

I ducked out the
house on my own.

I ducked the frying pan.

I ducked three plates,
and even ducked the cat.

Say, Pop, tell us
about St. Louis.

Yeah, yeah, tell us about it.

All right, wait a minute.

St. Louis was just
great. Hey, hey, Rollo.

Give me that small
brown bag over there.

I bought presents for everybody.

[ALL TALKING]

You got a present
for me too, Fred?

Yeah. Yeah, Grady.

I got yours first

because you been taking
such good care of my son.

Aw, you didn't have to do that.

I wasn't expecting anything.

What'd you get me?

St. Louis bunion pads.

Well, I... I really...

I'm gonna put those on now.

I need them.

Grady, Grady... Don't
take your shoes off.

[ALL PROTESTING]

Please don't take
your shoes off.

And Donna, honey,
here's something for you.

Oh... Oh. Aw... Open it.

See there?

If you get a watch,
you can put it in there.

BUBBA: That's cruel, Fred.

Wait a minute, I
was just kidding.

I was just kidding, honey.

Here's the watch.

Oh! Whoa. Look at that watch.

It's beautiful! Look, Esther!

Wow.

Yes, look. It's exactly 2.49.

Wow... Are you
kidding? It must be 6:00.

I wasn't looking
at the time, Fred.

I was looking at the price tag.

Oh!

Well, get your face away
from it before it stops.

I even got something
here for you, Esther.

Here.

That's just a clear
piece of plastic.

No, it ain't. Put
it up to your face.

That's your Halloween mask.

Hey, Pop...

Would you leave
Aunt Esther alone?

It would be a pleasure.

Aunt Esther, would
you like a drink?

She wouldn't want a drink.

Why wouldn't I want a drink?

Because you are
a drink... A Zombie.

That's it!

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Come on, now.

Say, son, I almost forgot.

I got you a present too.

Me? Hey... Got you a
quadraphonic stereo.

All right! Yeah.

Here.

You wanna trade?

Hey, man.

You need an airplane
for these to work.

No, you don't.

Hey, plug it on
in there. Listen.

♪ And I would be
sure That this is ♪

♪ Love beyond compare? ♪♪

[SUSTAINING NOTE]

What kind of present
is this to give your son?

That's him... cheap cheap,
cheap, cheap, cheap.

Listen to that...

The voice of a chicken
coming out of a buzzard.

[ALL TALKING]

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Oh!

[ALL TALKING]

I hope you're proud
of yourself, Pop.

All your friends come over here

to give you a welcome-home party

and you have to start a fight.

I wasn't none of my fault.

Esther started
all that rigmarole.

She threw the first punch.

Yeah, Pop, but you
called her a zombie.

I should've called
her a gorilla.

That's what she is... a gorilla.

She looks like Mighty
Joe Young's sister...

Mighty ugly.

Are you gonna help
me clean up this mess

or are you just gonna sit there?

Okay, okay.

I'll help you,

but first I gotta
get into something

that's comfortable... my bed.

Good night.

Come on, Pop. Help
me clean up, man.

Well, get Grady to help you.

Grady? Grady's no help.

You said he took care of
you all the time I was gone.

Yeah, well, Grady's a nice guy

and a good friend and all that,

but Grady's no help.

Okay, I'll change
and come back down.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Grady, where...
Where you going?

I'm leaving.

Leaving?

Leaving, leaving, leaving.

Leaving... L-E-E-V-I-N.

Leaving!

Hey, Grady, it's the
middle of the night.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing is the matter with me,

especially my ears.

I heard what you
told your father.

Oh, that! Well, look...
No, I don't want...

I don't want to hear no excuses.

I heard what you said.

Look, Grady.

Come on in the
kitchen for a minute.

I want to talk to you.

I don't wanna go in the kitchen.

I'm leaving. It's an insult.

I don't wanna... Just
come in the kitchen.

No, I don't want
Pop to hear this.

Well, why you don't
want him to hear?

Come on, man.

LAMONT: Just sit
down over here, okay?

Now, you see, Pop's
upstairs changing.

I don't want him to hear this.

Do you know why I told Pop

that you're no
help to me, Grady?

GRADY: Yeah,
because you don't think

I'm any help to you.

No, man, that's what
I wanted him to think.

Why do you want
him to think that?

So he would feel better.

How's that gonna
make him feel better,

knowing that his best friend

couldn't take care
of his only son

while he was away?

Grady, Pop likes to feel
that he's the only person

that can run this place
and take care of me.

So?

I couldn't tell him
the truth, Grady,

That you could run the place

and take care of me
just as good as he can.

Are you... You really mean that?

Of course I mean that, man.

Oh, now I understand.

I understand why you said

I was no help to you...

you wanted to make
him feel important

and better than me.

Oh, yeah... Yeah, yeah...

you could have
just told me that.

You know, I...

I understand those
kinds of things.

You wanted to try to make him

feel important
and better than me.

That's right, Grady.

Oh! I see. Yeah, yeah.

Well, you could've
just told that.

You didn't have to...

Just tell me, you know,

say that behind my back.

Well, I'm glad you
understand, Grady.

Well, okay. I'm gonna
clean up now then, okay?

Yeah, thanks a lot man.

All right... Yeah. Wow.

Hey, Lamont.

Huh?

You weren't lying
to me, were you?

Hey, Grady, look
man... I don't lie.

Well...

Maybe just a little
bit. Just a little bit.

Old crummy Grady...

talking about how he
can run the business

better than me.

Well, he can have it.

He can change Sanford and
Son to "Crummy and Dummy."

Hey, Fred.

Aw... Welcome back, man.

Let me buy you a drink.

Well, maybe a
little one won't hurt.

All right, so what'll it be?

Give me a double-triple.

A double-triple?

Yeah, heavy on the double
and put in some extra triple.

Hey, Fred, why
the long face, man?

I just got the short end.

Fred, you crying?

Hey, man, what happened?

My best... my best
friend ran off with my son.

What are you talking about, man?

That lying Grady Wilson.

Grady? Yeah.

What did he do?

He convinced Lamont
that... that he could...

He was a better
business man than me

and he could cook better than me

and he was better
in the yard than me.

Okay, now get to the lying part.

That was the lying part.

Dummy Lamont...

Fred, then you
got to go back there

and assert yourself.

You're right...

I mean, a man's
home is his castle.

Castle!

Right, and you got to show them

that you're the...
You are the king.

I'm the king of my castle!

You show them you
can work twice as hard

as both of them put together.

And twice as long, too.

The king is abdicating.

Uh, Fred, you're
not giving in now?

Hell, no. I ain't giving in.

They think they don't need me?

Well, they'll find
out they need me

and I don't need them.

What are you talking about?

They'll see.

Lamont'll see and Grady'll see.

Everybody'll see.

I can't see.

I don't understand it.

I just don't understand it.

Lamont, why would
he leave like that?

I don't understand
it either, Donna,

but I appreciate
you and Aunt Esther

coming over here like this.

Well, misery loves company.

All right, somebody's coming.

Somebody's... Who
is it, Grady? Who is it?

Oh, that's you, Lamont.

That's your reflection
in the window.

No. No, no, no, no.

Oh... Oh, Fred!

Help! Call the zoo!

I think I've captured

a gorilla-faced
ugly mo-pottamus!

Watch it, sucker!

Now, now, now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll go put on a pot of coffee.

Hey, Pop, do you
know what time it is?

Man, where have you been?

Here and there...

to and fro, and hither and yon.

And you've been drinking too.

Right.

Where?

Here, there, fro and to.

Fred Sanford,

you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Oh... Just look at
you, Pants all baggy.

Face all dirty.

You just a messy fool.

And you just a cessy pool.

Why, you... Esther...

Leave the poor man alone.

Take your hands off me, woman!

Fred, dear, come and sit down.

Let me help you.

Do not. Don't.

Please don't, Donna.

I don't need nobody help...
I don't need nobody at all.

Oh, Pop... Pop! Pop! Pop!

How much did you drink anyway?

♪ How deep Is the ocean ♪

♪ How high is... ♪♪

Is...

Hey, what's the
matter with you, Pop?

Ah, there's nothing
wrong with me

giving myself a little
going out-of-town party.

Going out-of-town party?

Fred.

Fred, you just got back.

Where are you going?

St. Louis!

On the banks of the Mississippi.

♪ M-I-S... ♪

♪ I-S-S... ♪

♪ M-O-U-S-E ♪

♪ Mississippi Mississippi... ♪♪

That's where I'm needed.

You're needed here, Pop.

Nah, you don't need me here.

You got Greedy... Grady.

Yeah.

You got Greedy Grady.

Greedy Grady want
my house and my son.

Well, you got it, Greedy Grady.

Goodbye, ex-son... And Donna.

Fred... Now, Fred.

You ain't never
did nothing to me.

I love you. Kiss me, honey.

Lamont, would you do
something about this?

Oh, Donna, you
gonna have to shave!

Hey, Lamont, I can understand

what you trying to do, son,

but I gotta take the bus.

It's too far

to ride this horse to St. Louis.

I don't need none of you!

I'm glad to be out of there!

I don't need nothing!

Will you stop
following me around?

I ain't got no hoofs
in these bags.

Look at that.

The couch out in the yard.

Hey, Pop.

Mm...

Hey, Lamont...

Lamont, what you
doing in St. Louis?

You're not in St. Louis, Pop.

You're at home.

Huh? Oh... Oh... Hangover?

Ooh... Bad?

Ugh... Can I get
you something for it?

Please. What?

A bullet.

Put it right here.

Ahh... I'll fix
something for you, Pop.

No, I'll fix my own stuff.

Oh.

Hey, that's not funny, Lamont.

What's not funny?

You backed that
truck over my head.

Come on, let... let me help you.

Okay, just to the kitchen.

All right.

Are we there yet?

No, not yet.

Uh, almost?

Almost, Pop.

Oh, Lamont... Lamont.

What's the matter, Pop?

I just hate to be
a burden to you.

Hey, would you
stop talking like that?

Yeah... "I don't need you, Pop."

I heard you say that
out of your mouth.

I heard you.

I heard you with my own lip.

Ears.

Yeah, yeah, ears.

Hear with ears. Talk with lips.

I'm losing my mind.

You are not losing
your mind, Pop.

You just got a hangover.

Now, come on.

Yeah, and I want you
to help me get rid of it.

All right.

Here, I'm gonna tell you
what I want you to do.

Listen.

Get me some tomato
juice and a raw egg.

Right, Pop.

Ohh... Tomato
juice and a raw egg.

Yeah. Put some of this in here.

And some Tabasco.

Oh, son... Hey,
where's my prune juice?

Your prune juice?

Yeah, give me my prune juice.

Ohh... salt and pepper.

[GROANING]

Here you go.

[GROANING]

Prune juice... Tomato juice.

Oh!

And, son, hand me...

Hand me, over there, son...

Get me the vodka.

The vodka?

Yeah, I just need
a smidgen of vodka.

Now, I need just enough
to wake up the flavor.

What do you call that?

A Bloody Mess.

Now, would you mind telling me

what you heard that
made you so upset?

"I didn't need Pop."

"I didn't miss Pop."

I heard you. Now, don't deny it.

I won't, Pop. Look.

Grady overheard us talking
and he heard me telling you

that I don't need
him around here.

He heard me say that,

and so to keep from
hurting his feelings,

I lied to him and told him

that he was just as important
around here as you are,

and that's the truth, Pop.

Well, how should I know
that you not lying to me

about lying to him
about lying to me?

Say that again?

I can't. Look, Pop.

I need you here. Now,
please, just believe me.

Why should I?

Because I'm your son.

I am your son, aren't I?

Of course. Of course you my son.

Why else would you be
around here 32 years free?

Look, all I was trying to do

was make Grady feel good, Pop,

and if that was wrong,

then it's not my fault,

it's your fault, because
you always told me

that I should be concerned
about other people's feelings,

and you gave
warmth and sensitivity.

Well, if I gave
you all that stuff,

I ain't got none
left for myself.

So do you believe me, Pop?

I believe you.

Hey, thanks a lot.

And I'm sorry

that I ruined the
party last night, son.

Oh, that's okay,
Pop, but in the future,

when Aunt Esther and
your friends come over here,

just try to be a little
more understanding.

I will.

And a little kinder?

I sure will.

What this stuff taste like?

What does it taste like?

Did you ever taste castor oil?

And clava, and
spoiled pigs' snoot?

Well, mix that all together

and spread with Raid

and throw in some
of Grady's socks...

and Aunt Esther's face...

That's what it taste like.

But, son, my headache's gone...

to my stomach.

Hey, Pop, you feel any better?

Will you stop shouting?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You know what, son?

I'm gonna show you that I
can cook better than Grady.

Hey, man, you ain't got

to prove nothing to
me. You're my Pop.

I know that, but I
learned something today.

To give instead of take.

I learned to be a
giver, not a taker.

That's the way I like
to hear my old man talk.

And you know what?
I'm gonna start tonight.

I'm gonna cook you
a great big turkey

with two kind of sausages
and three kinds of vegetables.

Hey, man, a meal like that

will cost a fortune.

It would be cheaper for
me to take you out to dinner.

No, that would
make you the giver

and me the taker.

See, I'm gonna be the
giver and you the taker.

Yeah, but it's too late

for you to start cooking
a meal like that, Pop.

Hey, I know, I'll call
up Jacob's Soul Food

and tell them I'm gonna
bring you over there

for dinner around 8:00.

I told them we'd
be there at 7:00.

[♪♪♪]