Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Way to Lamont's Heart - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Oh, Lamont, so this
is home sweet home.

Yeah. It's kind of a
house and a business

all rolled into one.

It has a certain air
about it, you know?

Yeah. Well, we spray
it down every day.

Lamont, you've been at
this a long time, haven't you?

Oh yeah.

I've been going out with
girls ever since I was 8.

Oh, silly, I meant
the junk business.

Oh, yeah, well, we've been
in the business a long time,



even before I was born,

but, hey, let's not
talk about that now.

Let's talk about us.

You know, I can
tell a lot about a man

just seeing where he lives.

Now, don't go jumping
to no hasty judgments.

No. You know, the first time
you came in the coffee shop

and I waited on you... Mm-hmm.

I could tell. You could?

Sugar, I sure liked
the way you ordered.

Very decisive, like you
knew what you wanted.

Yeah, I wanted a Fatburger,

and now I want you,
you little onion ring.

So I came to the conclusion
that you were sweet.



Keep going.

And sensitive... Keep going.

And masculine... Keep going.

And ready to settle down.

Stop.

Why? What's the matter?

Uh, nothing.
It's just, that, uh,

I didn't know you
could tell that much

about somebody just
ordering a Fatburger.

Oh, sure. You can't
fool me, Lamont.

You know, there
are a lot of guys

who are just
out for a little fun,

you know.

Right. I'm out for a lot of fun.

Lamont... I've had a lot of fun,

but sometimes a girl has
to think about her future.

Don't you ever think
about getting married?

Oh, yeah, all the time,

uh, because I ain't getting
any younger, you know.

It's just that, uh,
marriage is impossible.

Why? What's stopping you?

My father. Your father?

Yeah. My father doesn't think
there's any woman in the world

good enough for his only son.

Hey, but let's not
talk about that now.

Sit on down here.

I sure would like
to meet your father.

Well, I'm afraid
that's impossible.

See, he's in St. Louis,
and ain't no telling

when he'll be, you
know, coming back.

If he's in St. Louis,

he can't stop us
from getting married.

True, true, but there's
somebody else that can.

Who?

My godfather.

Your what? My godfather. Yeah.

See, he's staying here with me

while my pop's away,

and he's a bigger
tyrant than my pop.

Why, if he knew

that I was even thinking
about getting married,

he'd cut me out of his will,

kick me out of the house,

and beat the hell out of me...

so in the meantime,

why don't we just have some fun,

you little Barbie doll?

Wait, wait a minute, Lamont.

Now, you know what you said
about not getting any younger?

Yeah.

I ain't getting any younger.

I ain't getting no loving.

And I ain't getting no sleep.

Good goobully-goo. Do
you know what time it is?

Judy, this is Grady Wilson,

the man I was telling you about.

Oh. Hi, Godfather.

Hi... What did she call me?

Godfather. You know,
you're my godfather.

You're taking care of
me while Pop's gone,

right, Godfather?

What's wrong with your eye?

Has she been... Has
she been poking in it?

Uh, Grady, look here, man.

Why don't you go back
upstairs and go to bed?

Oh, if I went up there
and went to bed now,

I would just lay there
and stare at the ceiling.

Well, why don't you
try shutting your eyes?

If I shut my eyes, I
couldn't see the ceiling.

And besides, I'm not sleepy now,

so you two just go on

with whatever you were doing,

and I'll just sit here

and look at a little television.

Hey, Grady, Judy and I
got things to talk about, man.

Privately.

Well, you can talk
private around me.

Mr. Wilson, we were
talking about getting married.

Oh?

Yeah, and I was
just telling Judy

how much you and
Pop are against it,

not just for me,

but that you and him would
never ever get married.

Oh, no, he ain't my type.

Well, good night, Grady.

You'd better get some sleep.

You've got a lot of work to
do around here tomorrow.

What kind of work do you
do around here, Mr. Wilson?

What kind of work do I do?

I do everything that I
was put in charge of

to do around here...

you know, cooking, sewing,
cleaning, just name it.

Do you know what you're
missing around here?

A woman's touch, right?

Well, that depends. If
her hands ain't too cold...

I got another one off!

Good night, Grady.

But wouldn't it be nice

to have a woman to
do all those things?

Oh, yeah, but where are you

going to find a woman like that?

Oh, they're around.
You know what they say.

For every man there's a woman,

and for every
woman there's a man.

Not at the bars I go to.

Well, good night, Grady.

Is it all right if he
gets some sleep now?

I was just trying
to get acquainted

with your godfather.

Yeah, but the man is tired.

You can tell that
by looking at him.

Yeah, well, good night, now.

I was only trying
to get acquainted...

What... I'm...

Say, what did you two
say you were going to do

while I was upstairs?

We're just going
to sit here and talk.

You sure that's all
you're going to do, now?

Just talk. Oh. Okay.

Good night, Grady.

Okay, I'm going, I'm going,

but just make
sure you just talk.

That's all I want you to do
down here, talk, T-A-L-K.

You see what I mean?

The man won't let me out
of his sight for two minutes.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I see.

But Lamont, why don't
you leave him to me?

Yeah, we do have a lot
of lost time to make up for.

I mean, that old dude almost
ruined our entire evening.

Uh-uh. Not really.

Now that all the interruptions
are out of the way,

where were we,
you little fig newton?

I don't hear you two
talking down here.

Well, now, let's
see. What will it be?

Beans and beef? Beans and pork?

Beans and franks?
Beans and beans?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah, beans and beans.
Okay, okay, okay, alrighty.

Beans and beans, high
protein. That's what it is.

Beans, beans,
the musical fruit...

Oh, hi there, uh... Judy.

Uh, yeah.

Lamont's not here,

but he should be back
in a couple of hours.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm not just here to see Lamont.

I'm here to see you too. Uh, me?

Wait a minute. How
come you want to see me?

What are you doing,
collecting for something?

What do you have in that
box, Girl Scout cookies?

Uh-uh.

It's your supper, and I
cooked it for you, sugar.

I made you braised
smoked pork butt

with mashed potatoes
and Brussels sprouts,

and for dessert...
are you ready?

Pineapple-raisin pie.

Oooo!

Let's take it to the kitchen.

So how come you
went and did all of that?

Well, I got off from
work early today,

and so I was able to do it.

You know, when you told me

how hard you worked around here,

I figured it was the
least that I could do.

Wow, that was
really very nice of you.

I was just getting ready

to open up a can of something.

But I still don't understand.

Now, how come
you did all of this?

Well, I like Lamont,
but I like you too.

And I like smoked pork butt.

Well, all right.

Now, why don't you let
me get everything ready

for when Lamont comes home?

And you give me this apron.

I'm ticklish!

I want you to relax.

Say, that was really nice of
you to go ahead and do all of that.

Oh, shoot, I enjoy it.

It is good training for me.

Now, why don't you go
out front in the living room

and have a rest,

or if you like, go upstairs
and take a nice warm bath.

What do you think I need
worse, the rest or the bath?

Oh, whatever you like,
but you just go out there

and let me take
care of everything.

Okay. Just one thing.

Can I have another whiff
of that smoked pork butt?

Smoked... Yeah.

Would you like to
have a little wine

with your smoked pork butt?

Oh, that would be fine.

♪ I want to tell
you That I... ♪♪

Hey, Grady.

Hey, man, are you
drinking my wine again?

No. I haven't
touched any of it yet.

I'll bet you did.

No, I haven't. Honest.

Do you want to smell my breath?

Please.

Say, what are you doing home

so early for, anyway?

Well, Julio asked me
to go bowling with him,

and I told him I would.

I'll see you later, Grady.

Well, wait a minute.

Aren't you going
to eat any supper?

No, I'll grab a chili dog
down at the bowling alley.

Yeah, well, she's going
to be awful disappointed.

She who?

Hi, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Judy. What
are you doing here?

She cooked our supper for us.

Go ahead, show him
your smoked pork butt.

How come you cooked supper?

Oh, because I wanted to.

Yeah, that was real nice
of you and everything,

but see, I made other
plans for the evening.

I guess Grady'll
have to eat alone.

Grady don't have to eat alone.

Grady don't have to eat alone.

Not as long as I'm here.

But it's not necessary.
Hush, Lamont.

Shut up, Lamont.

Mr. Wilson, would you
run on out to the kitchen

to see if anything's burning?

If you want me to run, I'll run.

I thought you said he was rough.

I told you to leave him to me.

If he's the only thing
standing in our way,

I can see it now.

You can see what now?

A charge plate that says
"Mrs. Lamont Sanford."

Maybe I'd better
stay here after all.

Oh, no, sugar.

You just go on out

and enjoy your bowling night.

Bye.

It's not going to work, Judy.

That's what you think.

Everything is fine
out in the kitchen.

Good.

Are we going to have
our smoked pork butt now?

Oh, in a minute,

but first, we're going
to sit down here

and have a nice little talk.

I want you to get
nice and comfortable.

You comfy now?

I'm comfy. I'm hungry too.

Say, that was really nice of you

to take off an evening
to spend with an old man.

Do you want to know something?

I like older men.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

They're so much more refined...

And experienced... And wise.

They are?

Mm-hmm. They really are, Daddy.

Can I call you Daddy, Grady?

Y-yeah, you can call
me G-graddy or Dady,

or just anything.

And I want you to stop
calling yourself an old man.

You're not such an old man.

I'm not?

Uh-uh, Daddy.
You've still got it.

Now, I'm going
to get your supper.

Oh, Lord, maybe I still got it,

but I don't know
what to do with it.

"Dear Abby,

"I am 65 years old,
but I think I've still got it.

"I must still have it,

"because my best
friend's son's girl

"has gone and
fallen in love with me.

"Now, here is what happened.

The other night, she came
over with a smoked pork butt."

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

All right. Okay.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

All right, all right.

Wow, now, how in the world

could that have happened
to me in the first place?

Mm, mm, mm.

Oh, hi there, uh... Julio. Yeah.

Yeah, I just came over
to see Lamont. Is he here?

No, but he should
be back pretty soon.

Okay, well, I'll
come back later.

Wait a minute. Don't go yet.

Can I talk to you, Oleo?

Julio.

Oh, yeah, yeah, come on.

I just got to talk to somebody.

Sure, man.

Have a seat over here.

I've got something
I've go to tell you.

What is it?

Now, here it is.

Do you think I've got it?

How should I know,
man? I ain't no doctor.

No, no, wait a minute.
You don't understand.

Now, see, I have a problem.

Now, here's what happened.

Uh, Lamont brought this
pretty young girl around,

and she fell in love with me.

She fell in love with you?

And she's young and pretty, huh?

Beautiful.

Is she loco?

Yeah, sure, she's
from right around here.

No, no. I don't mean local, man.

I mean loca. How you
say... got a screwdriver loose.

Oh, no, she don't
have none of that.

It's just that she
likes older men.

Ah, she likes older men.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Yeah, I begin to understand.

You do? Yeah.

You ask me if you got it.

You got it and she wants it.

What?

Your social security.

No, she don't want that.

Then she's crazy.

No, she's not that either.

Oh, wait, now, man.

I'm going to tell you something.

A woman wants
either of two things,

either your money or your body,

and you ain't got neither one,

so she's got to be crazy.

No, no.

Wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute.

Tell me what I should do.

Do you think I
should tell Lamont?

Sure, tell him, yeah,

and then act like a gentleman
and show him that you are

and step aside.

"Cho" him?

What else are you going to do?

Hey, what's happening, Ju?

Hey, Lamont.

I was wondering if you want to
play some bowling again tonight.

You're on.

Great. I'll pick you
up later on, bro.

Nice talking to you.

Yeah. Goodbye.

And thanks a lot, Holy Moe.

Julio. Julio.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Hey, what's for lunch,
man? I'm starving.

Yeah, yeah, wait. Wait a minute.

Can I talk to you before we eat?

Sure. What's the matter?
You got a problem?

Yeah. I've got a problem.

What is it? Tell me.

Now, you know, uh,

this is not going
to be easy, so...

So have a little
patience, can you?

Okay.

I'm going to tell you
this the best way I can.

Go ahead.

You know, I'd really
rather not tell you this,

but here it is.

Shoot.

I can't do it.

Would you tell me already?

Okay. All right.

Wait a minute, now.

Did you ever see a
movie called Mildred Pierce

with Joan Crawford?

What's a movie
got to do with this?

Well, you'll see. I mean...

Now, sit down, now.

Get yourself together

and let me tell
you all about it.

Now, see, here's what happened.

In this movie,

Joan Crawford
marries Zachary Scott

because he has
this nice little smile

and this great big car...

And she also has a
daughter, Ann Blyth.

Now, after they get married,

Joan Crawford's
husband, Zachary Scott,

starts fooling around
with her daughter,

Ann Blyth.

That's it.

That's what?

That's what you
wanted to tell me?

That's the problem?

Well, no. You see,
that was the example.

You see, your girlfriend,
Judy, is Zachary Scott,

and you're Joan
Crawford, and I'm Ann Blyth.

Well, I'm glad I
got that one out.

I feel a whole lot better now.

So, would you like to
have a little lunch now?

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now, would you mind telling
me what this is all about?

I just told you.

You told me about
Mildred Pierce.

Now, I want to know
about Grady Wilson.

Well, you couldn't
figure that out?

Figure it out?

Grady, I don't even know
what you're talking about.

I'm talking about
your girlfriend, Judy.

She's got her sights set on me.

She told me
that I've still got it,

and she likes older men.

She told you that, huh?

Yeah. You see, when she
came over the other night,

and she must have known
that you were going out,

and that's why she fixed supper,

so that she could
be alone with me.

So that's her little
gameplan, huh?

Well, I should have known better

than to leave a
girlfriend of mine

alone with you, Grady Wilson.

Well, you're not mad
that I told you, are you?

No, Grady. If it
was anybody else,

I'd think she was just
using you to get to me,

but being that it's you,
and you still got it...

she's all yours, brother.

No, wait a minute.
I couldn't do that,

take my best friend's
only son's girl away.

Hey, don't you see, Grady?
She prefers you to me, man.

Look, I told her you
were my godfather,

Now, to her, you're
a godfather image.

To her, you're Marlon Brando.

Oh, I know that.

But you see...
I'm stepping aside.

Did you ever see a movie

called Casablanca
with Humphrey Bogart?

Is this another example?

Well, yeah, but this
is a much better one.

I mean, now, listen to this.

Now, see, in this one,

I'll be Humphrey Bogart
and you be Paul Henreid,

and I'll step aside

so you can walk away in the fog

with Ingrid Bergman.

I can't allow you
to do that, Grady.

Now, wait a minute.
What do you mean?

I mean, I just think
that's the best thing.

You... We've got
to do it that way.

And besides,

I'm almost 40 years
older than she is.

Just think of that,
40 years older,

and by the time
she's 50, I'll be 90,

and who knows
if I'll still have it.

The fact is, Grady,
I don't want her.

You don't?

No, I don't want a reject.

What, you don't want
her and I don't want her?

Seems that way.

Aw, gee, I feel sorry for her.

Yeah, me too.

Losing one of us
was bad enough, but...

Losing both. Mm, mm, mm.

Do you think that she
might do something silly,

like jump off a bridge?

Oh, I hope not.

Maybe she'll run away
and join the WACs.

Maybe, but there's one
thing we've got to do, Grady.

We've got to tell her. Yeah.

We owe it to her to tell her.

We owe her that much.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

If that's her
now, we'll tell her.

Right.

It's the least we can do.

Tell her. That's
what we've got to do.

Hi, Lamont. Hi, Judy.

Hi, Grady.

Have you had your lunch yet?

I fixed you Vienna
franks in tomato sauce.

You want to smell?

No, thanks. I have a cold.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Uh, Judy.

Before you go into the kitchen,

I want to talk at
you for a minute.

Just give me the pot.

Come over here for
a minute, sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.
I'll just put this over here.

Uh, Judy, there's something
I think you should know.

Tell her, Grady.

Me? No, you tell her.

No, I think you should tell her.

Somebody tell me.

Okay, I'll tell her.

Uh, Judy, did you
ever see a movie

called Lawrence of Arabia?

Would you stop with the movies

and tell her?

Okay. All right.

Okay, I'll tell her.

J-Judy...

There's good news
and there's bad news.

First, the good news.

The good news.

Lamont is willing to step aside

so that I can marry you.

And now the bad news.

I can't marry you.

I don't believe this.

Well... Well, yeah.
Yeah, it's true.

You see, his
father, when he left,

he put me in charge,

and he told me to look
out after his only son.

Now, if I would leave

and go off to get married now,

I'd be breaking my promise
to his father, you see,

so this is really a bad time

for me to get married.

And it's a bad time
for me to get married

because it would mean

I'd have to kick
Grady out in the street,

and Pop would never forgive me.

Right, so see, actually,
this is a bad time

for either one of
us to get married.

Maybe it's your sign.
Are you Scorpio?

Marriage?

Of all the conceited,
egotistical things.

A girl would have
to be stone crazy

to want either one
of you chumps.

You're an old fool...
Hey, hold tight.

And you're a young fool,

and if the two of you
are happy together here,

you can stay
here, for all I care.

Well, wait a minute.

Don't you want
your Vienna franks

and tomato sauce?

No. You can have them.

Here.

Hey, Grady, that was
a good meal, man.

I want to thank you, bro.

Hey, man, what are you...

What are you doing
with my stuff on?

And my other stuff too?

Well, I hope you don't mind

me borrowing your
marked-down jacket

that you got at
Phil's Fashion Box.

I hope you don't
mind me asking you

why you're wearing it.

Oh, well, you see,

after that little
experience you had

with your girlfriend, Judy,

it made me realize
that I've still got it,

and if I've still got it, I
think I ought to flaunt it.

So what are you going to do,

just flaunt it around the house

in front of me?

Oh, no.

I've invited a
lady friend around.

Are you going out?

I mean, I hope you're not
going to sit around here

and just watch us.

Grady, that's one sight
I don't care to watch.

Hey, man, you know,

but I thought of
something funny.

What if your... what if
your girl falls for me?

Then we'd have the same
situation all over again.

Oh, Lord, I hope not.

I don't think it'll happen.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, hi there, uh, uh... Dimples.

Uh, this is the living room.

And this is the sofa.

This is my godson.

Oh, he's cute.

And this is the way out.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford
and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.