Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 21 - Tyranny, Thy Name Is Grady - full transcript

With Fred away in St. Louis, Grady is put in charge of the house. He quickly makes his presence known by keeping Aunt Esther out and preventing Lamont from bringing girls home.



Grady? Grady.

Oh. Hey.

Good goobully-woo,
what happened to you?

Well, I fell off the
back of the truck.

Well, how did you do
a dumb thing like that?

Well, the tailgate on
the truck is broken,

and I fell off.

Well, it's a good thing you
didn't break your tailgate.

Look, I don't want
to talk about it,

and why don't you slow down

before you wear yourself out?

Oh, I'm not going
to wear myself out.

My tailgate is fastened...

and besides,

I've got to get this
house cleaned.

With your father
still away in St. Louis,

I have to take charge
of things just like he said,

and he said, "Grady,
keep it clean..."

and I've got to get it clean
before I can keep it clean...

and anyway, why don't
you go in the kitchen

and eat the lunch
that I fixed for you?

Hey, you fixed me lunch?

Well, sure I did.

Fred put me in charge,
and one of the things he said

was, "Be sure and
fix Lamont lunch

"whatever you do.

He's my one and only son,
so be sure and fix him lunch."

Did Pop really say that?

Well, actually, what he said

was, "Fix the dummy his
lunch, or he'll get mad."

It's in the refrigerator.

It's peanut butter and
sardine on Jewish rye...

with a touch of mayonnaise.

Do you think you can handle

peanut butter and sardine
on Jewish rye with mayonnaise

with that one arm?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.


All right.


Oh, hi there, um, um... Esther.


Is Fred still in St. Louis?

Yeah, Fred's still in St. Louis.

Good. I'll say a prayer
for the state of Missouri.


Well, what can I
do for you, Chester?


Oh, yeah.

What can I do for you?

Well, with Fred gone,

I'd like to bring my
Bible group over here

for a meeting.

Well, why do you want
to bring them over here?

I have to.

Our usually meeting
place has been condemned.

Oh, gee whiz.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yes, we all were,
especially Sister Hannah.

She was the one who
fell through the floor.

Fell through the
floor? Uh, uh, uh.

I sure hope she
wasn't hurt too bad.

No. She busted her hip.

Lucky for her, she's
got a lot of hip...

but the poor thing is
walking crooked, like this.

Uh, uh, uh.

So that's why this
place will be just fine,

since that heathenish
Fred isn't here.

Oh. Well, you see,

I'm afraid you can't have
your Bible meetings here.

What? Why not?

Well, when Fred left,
he put me in charge,

and he said if you
were to come over here

asking about having
a Bible meeting,

that I was to say "no,"

so I'm saying "no."

Look, sucker...

the Lord sent this
heavenly opportunity

to put some holiness
into this house.

That's why he sent
Fred to St. Louis,

and the Lord is telling me
to get the show on the road.

Well, I don't know
what the Lord said,

but Fred said "no
Bible meetings,"

and since I'm in charge, I'm
saying "no Bible meetings."

You know what you're doing?

You're doing the devil's work

and interfering
with God's mission.

You are just like
that heathen Fred.

You are unholy sinner

and a heathenish,
foul Philistine.

Sticks and stones
can break my bones,

but names will never hurt me.

Okay, I'll get some
sticks and stones

and break your bones,

and the name that'll hurt you

will be Esther.

I don't like to strike a woman,

but if I'm forced to
defend myself, I will,

and let the chips
fall where they may.

And some of them
chips may cross your lips.

Now, wait a minute.

Aunt Esther, Grady, stop it!

Stop it.

Now, what's going on in here?

This old fool

won't let me have
my Bible meeting here.

That's what happens

when you replace
a fool with a fool.

Sticks and stones
can break my bones...

Oh, shut up, you old fool,

before I put my foot in your...

Aunt Esther!

Now, wait a minute, Aunt Esther.

I ain't waiting on nothing.

"There is no peace,"
sayeth the Lord,

"unto the wicked,"

and this is the wickedest
house that ever was,

and I ain't never coming back

into this heathenish
house again.

Oh, glory Hallelujah!

All praise his holy name.

Oh, thank Jesus.

Hey, Grady, what
are you doing, man?

Esther's my favorite aunt,

and she can have
a Bible meeting here

if she wants to.

Oh, no, she can't. Bible
meetings are a no-no.

Says who?

Your father said so,

and your father
left me in charge.

Grady, you know,

I think you're beginning
to take your duties

a little too seriously, man.

I guess next
you'll be telling me

that I can't have no company?

Well, that depends

on what kind of company
we're talking about.

Well, it just so happens
that Rollo and I have invited

a couple of young
ladies over here,

and we're going to
have a party tonight.

With a broken arm?

Grady, when you've
got it, you've got it,

one arm or two.

Well, that too is a no-no.

No Bible meetings
and no org-gees...

one arm or two.

Hey, look, man,

you can't tell me what
to do in my own house.

I gave a solemn
oath to your father

to protect this house, and I vow

to take care of it with
my life, if necessary.

I'll show you what
I'm going to do.

You think I'm
kidding around here,

but I'm very serious
about taking care of things.

Well, what are you...

what are you doing with a rifle?

I'm going to protect my
best friend's property.

That's what I'm doing with it.

With an empty rifle?

Does that look like, a
styptic pencil to you?

Hey, Grady, put that thing away

before somebody gets hurt.

I just want my friend to know

that the man he left behind
is in complete control.

Yeah, well, if you
sit down too hard

with that bullet in your pocket,

the man he left
won't have a behind.

And I just want you to
know that I'm in charge here,

which means...

No Bible meetings
and no org-gees.

I know.


Just keep it down. Shh.

Just be quiet.

Well, what's the matter,
is somebody sick?


You can't tell no
chicks like this

to be quiet and hold it down.

I mean, it's
against their nature.

I mean, these are two live wires

with no insulation.

But look, man, I
already told you,

there's an old dude
staying in there

that's a friend of my old man's,

and he thinks he's Napoleon.

Now, see, he's
upstairs asleep now.

Everything'll be everything
as long as we be quiet.


What's the matter?

That old fool done
locked the door,

and I ain't got no key.

It ain't no big thing.
What are we gonna do?

There's a window by the landing

that's always open, see,

and I crawl through
there and let us in.

You want me to do it?

You know I'm good at that.

No, Rollo.

You stay here and
look after the women.

Well, can you handle
it with that one arm?

Hey, bro, I've got it.

Right on, dude.

That dude is more
weird than you.

Yeah. He sure is a weird one.


Put your hands
up, or I'll shoot.

Don't shoot. Don't
shoot. It's me, Grady.

Your name ain't
Grady. That's my name.

It's me, Lamont.

Prove it.

What do you mean, prove it?

Can't you tell by the
sound of my voice?

You can disguise your voice.

Burglars do that, you know.

What's your father's name?

Grady... That's not
your father's name.

What's your father's name?

His name is Fred, all right?

Now, I'm going
to turn on the light

so you can see who it is.

Oh yeah... you are Lamont.

Grady, not only did you
lock me out of my own house,

but you almost shot me.

Man, you're crazy.
You know that?

They ought to call
you Crazy Grady.

Now, look here.

Why don't you go on upstairs

and go back to
bed and stay there?

Oh, I'm not sleepy.

I think I'm going to
look at a little television.

Hey, Grady, you
can't be serious, man.

You don't want to
watch no television now.

I'm going to watch
Louise Beavers

on the late-late show.

Would you like to join me?

Every time I try
to do something,

you know, you always
mess up everything.

Man, you're ridiculous.

Hey, what happened, man?

What's going on in there?

That old fool woke
up and almost shot me.


Hey, look here, brother.

Why don't we go to your crib?

No, man. I told you
that place is too small.

Let's go, hon.

Tomorrow night?

Hey, Rollo,

let's make it a definite
for tomorrow night, bro.

I'm sure I can get the
crib tomorrow night.

So, what're you going to
do, poison your babysitter?

No, man. I'm
going to go in there,

and I'm going to
have it out with Grady.

He can't get
away with this stuff

in my house.

Hey, when it's on you,
partner. Good luck.

Hey, girls, wait for me!

I'll take you home on the bus.


Grady, take the
chain off this door

and open up right now.

Put your hands up or I'll shoot,

whoever you are.

Hey, Grady. How's everything?

Oh, hi.

How's your arm?

Oh, it's fine.

Yeah, where have
you been all day?

I didn't hear you
leave this morning.

You're not mad at me, are you?

Mad? Why should I be mad?

Oh, I thought you
were mad last night

when you locked
yourself in your room

and I heard that
pounding on the wall.

You weren't doing that
with your head, were you?

No, Grady.

I must admit, though,

I was a little put
out last night.

Oh, and then I heard you

slamming things in the bathroom.

You cracked the
toilet seat, you know.

And all with one arm.

Yeah, I know, Grady.

Like I said, I was
a little put out.

Yeah, well, I was just doing

what I promised
your father I would do

while he was away.

Hey, I... I realize that, Grady,

and I was mad last night,
but now I'm fine, man,

and you know what else?

No, what?

Well, I did what I do
whenever Pop and I

have a little misunderstanding.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Well, whenever we
have an argument,

the next day, we both go out

and do something
nice for each other.

You do?

Yeah, and being as that...

Well, you, you know,
sort of filling in for my pop,

I figure I'd extend that
same courtesy to you,

so I went out

and I did something
nice for you.

You did something...
nice... for me?


Oh, what are you doing, Grady?

I can't help it.

Just the thought of you
doing something nice for me,

and I didn't do
anything nice for you...

Stop, Grady, don't do that.
You did something nice for me.

I did?

Sure, you're doing it right
now. You set the table.

Is that nice?

Of course that's nice.

That means that you
cooked me supper.


Well, I promised your father
that I would fix supper for you.

He told me that you
were his one and only son.

I know that, Grady,
Grady, I know that,

and I appreciate it, too, man,

and there's
nothing I like better

than coming home
to a nice hot supper,

so, you see, you did
something for me nice

after all.

Well, I hope you'll like it.

I'll love it. What is it?

It's... codfish cakes and okra.

Well, it smells
delicious, Grady,

but... I'm not hungry right now.

I'll eat it later.

Oh... Yeah, you
can eat it later.

You can eat okra
when it gets cold.

It's not as slimy then.

Yeah, that was

a real nice thing you
did for me, Grady.

Now, would you like to know
the nice thing I did for you?

You did something...

Please, don't do that, Grady.

You're going to blow
something out of your head

that you need.

Yeah, okay.

Now, what's the nice
thing you did for me?

Okay, you ready?

Now, I had to
pull a few strings,

and I had to pay a little money,

but I got it for you.

What is it?

Grady, I've got you a ticket

to that new skin flick down at
the Yellow Pussycat Theater.

The marquee said

that the movie's
red-hot and sizzling.

Oh, wow!

There you go.

What's it about?

Well, the name of the
movie is Deep Threat,

and it's about this group
of underground invaders

that tunnel their way into
this peaceful nudist camp

and threaten them.

Go ahead.

Yeah, okay. See you. Wow!


Say, do they actually
go in a nudist colony

and do all... Everything, Grady.

You see everybody
and everything.

Now, go ahead
and enjoy yourself.



Now, you have fun
at that movie, man.

Yeah, I'm sure I will.

Say, say, look, you sure

you don't want me to stay here

and serve supper for you?

I mean, I promised your...

Oh, no, Grady,
look, because I... I...

I feel tired.

I'm going to turn
in early anyway,

so you just go and have
a nice time, you hear?

Okay. Yeah.

Say, what did you say

the name of that movie was?

Uh, Deep Threat.

Well, who's in it?

Well, I'm not exactly sure, see,

because it's a Japanese
movie, but I think

the leading lady's name
is Linda Love-a-sato,

and look here,
you'd better hurry up

before you miss the opening,

because you don't
want to miss the opening.

In the opening,
Linda... [SCREAMING]

Say, thanks

for the nice thing
you did for me.

I... I know that
codfish cakes and okra

is not as nice as a nudie movie,

but I tried.

Hey, you certainly did, Grady,

and I appreciate it, partner.

You just go ahead and
have fun at that movie.

Yeah, okay.

All right. Bye, now.

Yeah, take care
of that arm... I will.

And lock the door.

Okay, you have fun, you hear?

All right. All right.

Okay, brother.


What it is? What it is?

What happened?

I did it. It worked.


Grady's out, and love is in.

Let's get it on.


Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Turn this thing off.

Hey, man, how long
have we got, man?

I mean, how long
is it going to be

before that old dude shows
back from the skin flick?

Hey, Rollo, that's one old
dude we ain't going to have

to worry about this evening.

He's coming back
here as soon as it's over.

He's coming back,
but he ain't getting in.

I changed the lock on the
door, and he don't have no key.

My man, you are a genius...

Relatively speaking.


Who is that?

I don't know.

Who is it?

It's me, Grady.

Oh, man, I told you.



Prove it.

What do you mean,
prove it? It's me, Grady.

I heard you halfway
down the block.

I'm going to call your
father in St. Louis

and tell him you're
having an org-gee.

Orgy. Good night, Grady.

Yeah, good night, Grady.

Good night, Grady.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

He's gone.

Hey, my man, you really did it.

Hey, man, a man's
home is his castle,

and now,

I am ready to
wrestle in my castle.

Hold it!

Come on, ladies,
don't be so slow.

Come on.

Just what made you
change your mind

about letting us
hold our meeting

in Fred's house?

Well, you see, I was
watching Reverend Ike

on television
tonight, and he said,

"Is your house free from sin?"

And I said, "Hell, no."

So I rushed right
over there to get you.

Good. We can fill it
with enough holiness

that it might even
rub off on Fred

when he gets back.

Praise the Lord!

Yeah, yeah. Praise
his holy name.

Now, y'all just hang on
here, and I'll open the door

and we'll have a real
crackerjack Bible meeting.

Indeed. Yes, sir.

I forgot my key.

Look, sucker, find
a way to get in there.

We ain't holding
no Bible meeting

in a junkyard.

What do you think
we are, pagans?

No, we going to
have our Bible meeting

in Fred's living room.

Okay, all right.
Now, just hold...

There's a window around
there on the landing

that's not locked.

Climb up there
and shinny through

and open the door.

Oh, well, you
see, I can't do that,

because I got this "kiatica,"

and I can't bend over,

so maybe you
ought to go and do it.

You want me to climb
through a window?

Well, yeah...

We got to get in there
some kind of way,

and you're the only
one that can do it.

Now, come on.
I'll hold the ladder

while you climb through.

Oh, no, you don't.

Ain't no man that
I'm not married to

going to be holding no
ladder that I'll be climbing up.

She's telling you right.

No, don't do it.

Well, I won't peek.

I know you ain't going to peek,

because if I thought you was,

I'd bust your eyeballs.

Okay, that's all right.

I'll just wait right
over here by the truck,

and you go around there
and just take care of things.

Watch him, ladies.

If he sneaks around back to
watch me go up that ladder,

twist his head
until it unscrews.

We sure will.


Hey, man, who
turned on them lights?

What's happening?

Shame, shame, shame.

Aunt Esther.

How did you get in here?

Sodom and Gomorrah,

this house corrupted
even my favorite nephew

and broke his arm, Jesus.

Lamont, I'm ashamed of you.

That old fool, Grady, was right.

Such wickedness I've
never seen in my life.

Aunt Esther, all we was
doing was having a little fun,

a little party.

A little party?

With these two Jezebels?

I ain't no Jezebel!

Ain't that Rita
Lawson's boy, Rollo?

Yes, ma'am.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Out! Out! Everybody, out!

Wait a minute, Aunt
Esther. We was just...

Why you going to...

All of you should be
in a vocational school

learning a trade.

Soldiers, it's time
to save the sinners!

Wait a minute, Aunt Esther...


Hallelujah! Oh! Oh!

Woo, Jesus! Oh, save them, Lord!

Grady Wilson!

Grady Wilson, you come
down here right now!

Now, you have spoiled
my evening for the last time!

Now, you get down
here right now!

Put your hands up or I'll shoot.

Oh, hi, Lamont.


You still mad at me?

Never mind.

Oh, you are. I can tell.

Are you mad enough to do
something nice for me again?


Well, you know, I was only
doing what I promised your father

that I would do while he's away.

Yeah, you didn't
promise my father

that you'd go
waving and pointing

that rifle around at people.

You know, that's
dangerous, Grady.

Somebody could've gotten hurt.

Oh, no. It couldn't
have gone off last night,

because I didn't put
the bullet in. See?

Grady, would you put that away

once and for all?

See, what I'm trying to say

is that rifles aren't dangerous.

It's bullets that are dangerous,

but you can sure
scare a lot of people

with an empty rifle.

You just walk
around here, and...



and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.