Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 20 - Will the Real Fred Sanford Please Do Something? - full transcript

A woman Fred wooed over one too many boilermakers comes looking to take him up on his marriage proposal. Betty is bent on getting satisfaction and skeptical of Grady's insisting he's not Fred





You didn't finish your supper.

Don't you want any dessert?
I made you some Jell-O.

No, thank you.

Well, I promised your daddy

I'd take good care of you
while he was away in St. Louis.

Now, come on down
here and eat your Jell-O.

I don't want no Jell-O, Grady.

Oh. Well, I guess I'll
have to eat it myself.

I used to know a
girl who could do that.

All right.

Her name was Lottie the Body.

She was as mellow as Jell-O.



What's the matter?

What's the matter
with you, Grady?

Haven't you ever seen
anybody wear an ascot before?

Is that what you call that?

That's right, it's an ascot.

See, over in England,

this is what the rich dudes
wear at the race track, an ascot.

Oh, then that's why you
look like a horse's ascot.

My goodness, and just
look at the rest of you.

Look at that jacket.

Don't tell me, I know.

That's what the
well-dressed hot-dog man

wears at the racetrack.

You don't know
nothing, do you, Grady?

I know a sissy when I see one...

and you sure look
like a sissy to me.

This happens to be a
lounging jacket, Grady,

and it's what you
wear around the house.

See, I got it on sale
at Phil's Fashion Box.

It was slightly irregular,
so it was a markdown.

Oh, well, you better
wear it around the house,

because if you wear that thing

around the pool hall,

that markdown will
get you a knockdown.

Listen, I don't wish to
discuss this any further.

I must check out my stash
for this evening's festivities.

Oh, goodness,
check out your stash.

Is that what you're going to do?

Just wear that thing
around the house tonight?

Hey, Grady, have
you been in my wine?

Who, me?

Yes, you. I had almost
a full bottle over here,

and now it's just about empty.

It was a rosé.

A who?

It was a pink wine, a rosé.

Oh, well, you're better
off without that stuff,

because that rosé was "lous-é."

Is that what we're
going to do tonight,

just sit around and
look at some television

and drink some wine?

That's what I'm
going to do, Grady.

You are leaving.

I've got a young
lady coming over here

to spend the evening with me.

Oh, well, you won't bother me.

I know that, Grady, but
you'll be bothering us.

Now, look, man,
this is still my house

and I got a right to
have company over here

and be alone with her if I want.

Oh, sure, you've got a right,

but your father left me
in charge of this house,

and he told me that
while he was away,

that I was to enforce
his number-one rule,

no "org-gees."

You mean "orgy,"
don't you, Grady?

Yeah, none of that either.

In other words, I've
got to go upstairs

and change my clothes

and take my date
out somewhere, huh?

Okay, I'm not going
to forget this, Grady,

but just remember one thing.

Just because you're
sitting in my Pop's chair

doesn't mean that you're
the boss of this house.

Well, he left me in charge,

so I guess that's
what that means,

I'm the boss...

And now the boss is going
to look at a little television.


Ooh, I think the boss
will answer the door.


Hey, Lamont, your
young lady is here!



Uh, he just went upstairs
to get out of his ascot.

He'll be right down.


Lamont. That's who
you came to see, isn't it?

Why, no, Ducky.

I'm here to see you.

Uh, wait a minute.
I don't understand.

You mean you came to see me?

Well, if the mountain
won't come to Mohammed,

then Mohammed will
come to the mountain.

So here I am... Your
little Miss Mohammed.

Oh, no, no. Wait, wait.

Wait a minute.

Now, you got to
tell me some more.

Now, is your name
really Miss Mohammed?

Are you a Muslim?

No, silly.

You mean you don't remember?

It's Betty, Betty Hairston.

Ain't you going to offer me

a little taste of something?

Oh, yeah, sure.
What would you like?

Well, for sentimental reasons,

why don't we have
what we had that night...


Boilermakers? We
had boilermakers?

Yeah, a shot of bourbon
and a glass of beer.

We had about 14 of them,

and we never once
stirred from that booth.

Oh, if I'd have had 14 beers,

I would've stirred
at least once.

We was in a booth?



Are we going to
have some drinks?

Oh... Yeah, yeah. Sure.

I'll get us a couple of beers.

You do that, honey.

Betty. Betty Hairston.

Betty... Betty Hairston?


Where was I?

And what did I do?

Oh, Lord. I hope this
isn't a paternity suit.

Come on, sit down.

Don't be scared. Come on.

You naughty thing, I
should be angry at you.

We had a date to meet
there again tonight.

We did? Where?

At Fancy Dan's Bar and Grill.

It's a good thing you told me

about your business,
Sanford and Son,

or I never would've
known where to find you.

Remember now?

You remember.

Oh, you dog.

I should have known
right from the start.

You think I'm Fred Sanford.

You think... you see,
I'm not Fred Sanford.



Who are you, darling,
Laurence Olivier?

Oh, Fred, I could never
forget that scraggly beard,

or that cologne
you were wearing.

What was it?
Brut, mm, that's it.

And you smelled
like a brute that night.

You rubbed your scraggly beard

against my face,

and I remember
thinking to myself

Brillo never, ever felt so good.

Yeah, yeah, but, please.

I mean, my leg
is going to sleep.

Now, listen, Miss Horse-ton.


Yeah, well, whatever it is,

uh, look, you see, I
am not Fred Sanford.

He's in St. Louis.

He went there to attend
his cousin's funeral

and to be with his family,

and he told me to
just stay around here

and take charge of the
house while he was away.

The man you're really
looking for is in St. Louis.

You are the cutest little liar.

Are all those other things

you said to me
that night lies too?

What things?

About how you were a
hero during World War II?

How they dropped you
behind the enemy lines

and you posed as
a Japanese soldier?

Oh, well, you see,

Fred Sanford is
shorter than I am,

so he could be mistaken
for a Japanese soldier,

but I could never be
taken for no Japanese.

Chinese maybe, but not Japanese.

Now, Fred,

you've got to stop
playing games with me.

I think I know

why you're trying
to deny everything.

I am not Fred.

But you can't get out of it.

Get out of what?

You proposed to me.

I did?

I mean, he did?

You certainly did,

and I remember just
how you did it too.

Oh, it was so cute.

You said, "Freddy
is ready for Betty."

Wait, wait a minute.

I mean, no, no, no, look...

Hey, no, no. No, just...
just wait a minute, Beady...


Yeah, well, whatever it is.

Now, I'm telling
you for the last time,

now, I am not Fred Sanford,

but even if I was,

what would it take
for me to get you

to leave me alone?

You need some
money or something?

How about some food stamps?

Or maybe you'd like

something out of the junkyard?

Sure, go ahead,

take anything out of
the junkyard you want.

There ain't but
one thing I want.

That's Y-O-U.

I want you, Freddy.

No, no, you don't.

No, no, no! Help! Help!

Hey, Lamont! Lamont, help me!

What is it? What is it?

What's going on down here?

Hey... oh, thank
goodness you're still here.

Now, look, this
lady was out drinking

with your father one night,

and she claims that
he proposed to her,

and now she's saying
that I'm Fred Sanford.

For Pete's sakes, will you
please tell her who I am?

Oh, sure, that's easy.

He's the boss, Fred Sanford.

I'll see you later, Pop.

No... Oh... I'm
going to get you.

No, no, no. No, no, no...

Hey, morning, Grady.

I said, "Good morning, Grady."

Hey, you shouldn't do that.

You scared me to death.

What happened
last night after I left?

Because when I got
home, you was asleep.

Well, how come
you didn't stay around

to tell that lady who I was?

You could've
cleared everything up.

No, I couldn't do that, Grady.

You kicked me out
of my own house

because you said you
were the boss, remember?

Yeah, well, you sure
left me in a bad spot.

Hey, how'd you get
rid of her, anyway?

Well, when your
father gets in trouble,

he either has arthritis
or a heart attack,

and I had them both,

plus a severe case
of abdominal cramps.

You mean gas, don't you?

Yeah. Hey, listen,
you better stick around

in case that lady comes back,

and then you can
tell her who I am.

Uh, I'd like to do that,

but I've got to make a
pick-up with the truck.

I'd like to stick around
here, but you know...

Hey, wait a minute.

You can't leave me
in a spot like this.

What if she comes back?
What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna say to her?

I tell you what, Grady.

Why don't you
try to stall her off

for a few days
until Pop gets back,

and then he'll think of
something to tell her.

But suppose she
doesn't want to wait?

In that case, congratulations.

Hey, hey. Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, hey, hey, I need help,

and you're the only
one that can help me,

and my abdominal
cramps are coming back.

I need help bad.

Oh, I know what.

I'll call my lawyer
friend, Sonny Cochran.

Yeah, why didn't I
think of that before?

Yeah, I'll just call my friend
and have him come over here

and straighten this
whole thing out...

and if that doesn't work,
I'll call the National Guard.

Hello. Sonny?

Goodbye, Sonny.

Here I am, Fred.
Ready to move in.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You didn't say nothing
about no moving in here.

Well, we're getting
married anyway, Fred.

Besides, I'm one of
them free-thinking women,

you know what I mean, Fred?

Hey, hey, listen, now.

You didn't believe me last night

when I was trying to tell you,

but maybe you'll
believe me today.

You see, my name
is not Fred Sanford.

My name is, uh, uh, uh, um...

Yeah... Grady
Wilson. There it is.

Now do you believe me?

My ex-husband had an alias too.

What were you in for?

Now, listen, Miss
Hairpin... Hairston.

Yeah, well, why
won't you believe me?

Because I think
you're just scared

about getting married again,

but you'll get over it.

I'm going to make you
real happy, you'll see.


I sure do like this
nice big kitchen.

You know what
would be nice, Fred?

No. What would be nice?

If we went to Fancy
Dan's Bar and Grill tonight,

and we sat in the same booth
where you proposed to me.

I bet if you had a
few boilermakers,

it would all come back to you,
and you'd stop being so weird.


We'd be lovey-dovey again.

Yeah... yeah.

Yeah, and I bet

it would all come back
to you too, wouldn't it?

I'll bet it would.

Well, well, listen, now,

we don't have to
wait until tonight.

We can have us a
couple of drinks right now.

Now? Sure.

This early?

Why not?

Okay. I ain't had no breakfast.

I'll have some
cornflakes and beer.

Naw, hey, wait a minute, now.

You don't want to spoil
it with no cornflakes,

and I've got something
better than beer.

Now, why don't
you just have a seat

over here, darling, and
make yourself comfortable,

and I'll step right
over here to the bar,

and make us a
little drinky-winky.

Now you're beginning to sound
like the Fred I knew that night.

Oh, yeah, and
before it's all over,

you're going to think
you're re-living that night

all over again.

Ooh, you going to
take advantage of me?

Am I going to take
advantage of you?


Now, you just
check that bottle out

and see if that's
not the stuff...

Is better than that stuff
that we had that night,

and now you'll see

that I'm going first
class all the way.

Just check it out carefully,

and I'm going to do everything

that we did that night.

Oh, you devil.

Yeah, that's me.

You're going to
revel with the devil.


All right...

And by the time I
get through with you,

you're going to
need The Exorcist.


Now, what should we drink to?

Oh, let's drink to us,
to Betty and Freddy.

To Betty and Freddy.

To, uh... Sanford and Son.

To Sanford and Son!


Uh, to, uh... Sears and Roebuck.

To Sears and Roebuck.


To, uh... Haldeman
and Erlichman.

To Haldeman and

To, uh... You going
too fast for me. Woo!

Well, I just want to make sure

that we do everything
like we did it that night.

Now, what did we do?

Oh, there was a slow
tune playing on the jukebox,

and you asked me to dance.

Aw, shucks, you mean

one of those belly-rubbing kind?

That's it.

Well, come on.



All right. Come
right on over here.

Let me take you into the parlor,


What's the matter?

Something's wrong.

Something is definitely wrong.

Yeah? What is it?

You were a lot
shorter that night.

I was?

And fatter.


And your beard
wasn't so scraggly,

and you smelled better.

You ain't Fred Sanford.

That's Fred Sanford.


That's right.

That's Fred Sanford.

She's all yours, Fred.

What's the matter
with you, Grady?

Freddy, come here.

What's the matter
with you, lady?

What's the matter
with her, Grady?

Grady, what's the
matter with her?

Grady, what's the
matter with her?

Lady, what's the
matter with you?

Oh, Freddy.

Open this door, Fred Sanford!

I'll have the law on you!

I'll sue you for
breach of promise!

You'll be sorry, Fred Sanford!

Hey, that woman is
either crazy or drunk.

A little of the first and
a lot of the second.

How did she get so crocked

this early in the morning?

Well, you see, that was
part of my game plan.

Now, I figured if
I got her as drunk

as she was the night

that she was out
with your father,

then she would remember

that I was not Fred Sanford.

Well, how come she
thought I was Fred Sanford?

Well, like you said, she's
either crazy or drunk.


Uh-oh, there she is again.

Now, if that's her,

I'm going to call the police.

That's a good idea, Grady.

It is the police.

Hey, how you doing,
Grady? Lamont.

Hey, Smitty, Hoppy,
What's happening?

That's what we
want to know, man.

Now, this lady flagged us down

and said someone in here
was giving her a problem.

Let me elucidate on that.

The complainant here
charges that a party

residing at this residence

reneged on a mutually
agreed-upon contract

by misrepresentation

and thereby precipitated
a breach of faith.

She said one of you guys
was trying to rip her off.

Well, look, let me explain...

That's him. That's him.
That's Fred Sanford.

Uh, no, lady, he's
not Fred Sanford.

Then he's Fred Sanford.

No, not him either.

Well, somebody in
here is Fred Sanford,

and I want satisfaction.

That's what we're
here for, madam.

The police will give

protection and satisfaction

to every citizen,

regardless of
age, color, or sex.

I just want
satisfaction, no sex.

Hey, uh...

Smitty, can I talk
to you for a sec?

Man, what's going on
around here, anyway?

First, the lady came in here

insisting that my pop
asked her to marry him,

and then she was saying

that Grady here
was Fred Sanford,

and then she said
I was Fred Sanford.

She's as nutty as a fruitcake.

She's as nutty as a fruitcake.

Man, your pop sure knows
how to pick them, don't he?

Well, maybe I can
straighten her out.

You see, ma'am, under our system

of jurisprudence,

a man is innocent
until proven guilty,

whereas in the gulag...

Could I say something?

Oh, of course. Officer
Smith will carry on.

Uh, carry on, Officer Smith.

See, lady, there's
been a big mistake.

Now, I know both
of these gentlemen,

and neither one of
them is Fred Sanford.

Okay, okay, okay.

Does Fred Sanford live here?

Yes, ma'am, Fred
Sanford lives here.

And neither one of
them is Fred Sanford?

Neither one of them
is Fred Sanford.

Then you're Fred Sanford.

Uh, no, lady, I'm not
Fred Sanford either.

You sure?

I'm sure.

And I can attest to that, madam.

This is Officer Smith,

as fine a man as
we have on the force.

Well, if you're
not Fred Sanford,

and neither one of
them is Fred Sanford...

Then that leaves you.
You're Fred Sanford.

Oh, no, madam. I
couldn't be Fred Sanford.

She thinks I'm...

I'm of the Caucasian persuasion.

He's a white dude.

Come on, lady,
we'll drive you home.

Well, where is Fred
Sanford? I want satisfaction.

Well, you'll find satisfaction

riding in our
experimental squad car.

It's got individual
reclining bucket seats.

It's got steel-belted
radial tires,

runs on natural gas,

and talk about comfort...

When my pop gets back here, man,

I'm really going to
have to talk to him.

What a morning.

What a morning...

you know, I don't ever drink

at this time in the morning,

but I think I need
me a little taste.


Hey, wait a minute,
Grady. What are you doing?

That's a gasoline can.

Don't tell me you're
drinking gas now?

After an experience like
that, I can take anything.


and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.