Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 22 - Aunt Esther and Uncle Woodrow Pfftt... - full transcript

"I'm not a cream puff!" declares Uncle Woody after Grady gives him an empowering man-to-man talk and sends him home to reclaim his castle. But Aunt Esther doesn't appreciate Grady's making a man of her mouse and shows that hell hath no fury like the wife of a worm turned.


Hey, morning, Grady.

Look, I just got
a card from Pop,

and he's still in St. Louis.

He says to tell you
that he misses you

and that everything is fine,

and he wants to thank
you for the nice way

that you're taking care
of his only son, and he...

Did you hear what I said?

Look at this news.

Have you been keeping up
with this women's lib stuff?

No. What's going on?

It says here that some
lady up in Sacramento

burned her bra in a pubic place.

That's "public" place, Grady.


Can you imagine that,

burning your bra
in a public place?

Yeah, well, a lot of women
are doing that nowadays.

Yeah, and next, they'll
be burning their drawers.

I don't know what's getting
into these women of today.

You know, women
used to be ladies.

Well, as far as I'm
concerned, Grady,

they still are.

No, they're not.

They go around
smoking them little cigars,

and they don't smooth
their dresses out behind

when they sit down anymore.

And they wear those
Seymour clothes.

What kind of clothes?


You know, you see more
of them than you do clothes.

My mother wasn't like
that. My mother was a lady,

and I don't care how
much she wanted to protest,

she never would have
burned her bloomers.

Well, look, Grady,

times have changed since
your mother's day, man.

Women don't want to be known

for just staying at home and
having babies and cooking.

Well, if the lord had
have wanted women

to do something other
than cook and have babies,

he would have made them men.

Grady, that's not even
what I'm talking about.

Now, just sit down here.

I want to tell you something.

Just sit down.

Now, do you know
the main difference

between a man and a woman?

You don't know?

Oh, Lord, I think

your father's going
to have to talk to you.

I'm not even talking about sex.

It's impossible to have
an intelligent conversation

with you.

Get me some milk
for my cereal, please?

Well, I just think

you're taking the side
of them women libbers,

that's all.

Is that what you're doing,

just taking the side of
them women libbers?

Grady, I'm not taking
nobody's side, man.

I'm just trying to let you know
where they're coming from,

that's all.

Well, I might not know
where they're coming from,

but I know where
they ought to go.

They ought to be at home,
in the woman's domain.

Yeah, barefoot, pregnant,
and in the kitchen, I suppose?

No, barefoot, naked,
and in the boudoir.

You know what?

You're a dirty old
man. Yes, you are.

And all the time,

I thought you were
a clean old man.

I'll be a clean old man
when I'm a dead old man.


Now, will you get
the door, please,

while I finish reading
this terrible news?

I can't even eat my breakfast.


Just a minute. I'm coming.

Uncle Woodrow.

Can I come in, Lamont?

You already did.

Oh. Thanks, Lamont.

Who is it, Lamont?

It's Uncle Woodrow.


Uncle Woodrow.

That's what I thought you said.

Say, Grady, what are you doing?

Your father left me in charge,

and he said if your Uncle
Woodrow came around

that I was to hide the
booze from Woody the Wino.

I don't want a drink, Grady.

You don't?

No, no, that's not
what's on my mind.

I got trouble.

Trouble? Yeah.

Well, come over here,
sit down, take your hat off,

and tell me about
it, Uncle Woody.

Hey, man, what are you
doing with the suitcase?

You going somewhere?

Yeah, I'm going somewhere.

Your Aunt Esther kicked
me out of the house.

What did she do, catch you

coming out of one of them
massage parlors again?


Go ahead, Uncle Woody.
Tell me what happened, man.

See, I was out all night
drinking and celebrating,

and when I got
home this morning,

Esther had set
all my clothes out

in this suitcase and
wouldn't let me in.

Well, what were you celebrating?

Our 27th wedding anniversary.



Uncle... Uncle Woody,

why didn't you take Aunt Esther

celebrating with you?

Because Esther's idea
of having a good time

is staying at home

watching Reverend
Ike on television.

Well, it looks like

you're in the doghouse
this time, Uncle Woody.

What are you planning on doing?

I don't know yet.

I guess I'll just have
to stay here a while.

Oh, no.

Nope, nope, nope.

What do you mean,
"nope, nope, nope"?

One of the things
your father said

was "no boarders,"

and I'm very sorry, Woody.

I don't know why
I came over here.

I guess it was fate that
brought me to your door.

And I guess it's Grady

that's going to take
you out the door.

Stop it. Now, look, Uncle Woody,

you just sit here and
make yourself comfortable,

and we're going to go in there

and make some coffee, all right?

Okay, Lamont.

Get over in the kitchen.

Yeah, just don't
get too comfortable.

Don't be telling my relatives...

That's my relative in there.

Do you know what
your father said?

Every time I say
something, you always...

Now, what's the
matter with you, Grady?

Woody's my favorite uncle.

We just can't throw
him in the street.

Your father said

that he didn't want
any winos in this house,

and I happen to know that
Woody is the Wino King of Watts.

All right, so let us assume
that he's going to stay here.

Where is he going to sleep?

He can sleep in my room.

And you sleep with me? Oh,
no. I heard about them toenails.

All right, I'll sleep on the
sofa. Are you satisfied?

All right, all right, but
tomorrow, Woody's got go.

Locked me out of my
own house after 27 years.

Can you imagine?

Say, look here, Uncle Woody.

Say, look here, man.
We done talked about it,

and it'd be cool
if you stay here

until you get everything
straightened out at home.

I'm going to go upstairs
and fix up my room,

and you can sleep
there, all right?

Oh, thank you,
Lamont, thank you,

and thank you too, Grady.

Bless you both. Now
I can breathe easy.

Well, just don't breathe my way.

Uh, say, Grady, I was thinking,

would it be possible to get
a little shot of something?

Just a little toddy for
my body, you know?

That body is so shoddy
it don't need no toddy.

Now, look, you don't
understand, Grady.

Now, what if you'd been
married to Esther for 27 years,

and then all of a sudden,

it's all over and
no more Esther?

Now, what would you do, huh?

I'd celebrate and get drunk.

All right. Come on.

You can have a little taste.

I'll do it, thank you.

Grady, would you believe
I never used to drink

before I married Esther?

You know, Woody,
I hate to tell you this,

but you had to be
drunk to marry Esther.

No, I'm serious, Grady.

Now, listen. I love that woman.

It was love at first sight.

Now I know you was drunk.

Drunk on the wine of love.

I love that woman, Grady.

I love her, and I
miss her already.

Woody, Woody,
please don't do that.

You're making a damn
fool out of yourself.

I can't help it.

Sure you can.

It's cream puffs like you

that are letting these women
get away with all that stuff.

Now, if you had any backbone,

you'd march right
back over to your house

and put Esther in
her proper place.

Where's that?

On the receiving
end of your foot.

Now, move over
and let me fix you...

Give you another drink here,

and I'll help you get
your battle plan together.

See that? Now, you've
got to remember one thing.

You got to be the
only one in the house

to wear the pants.

Now, are you a
man or a cream puff?

Pour me another
shot and I'll tell you.

A man.

Yeah, well, that's it.

That's the way to go.

That's what I want you to do.

Now, sit down.

Now, see, Woody,

you got to get a
firm grip on Esther.

Now, I've been
reading in the paper

about how these women
are trying to take over.

Now, we've got to stop them.

We've got to maintain control.

Now, what if it don't
work on Esther?

There's different
strokes for different folks.

Do you want me
to help you or not?

Aren't you tired of
being a cream puff?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Well, say it.

I am tired of
being a cream puff.


I am tired of
being a cream puff!

Yeah. That's it.
That's the way. Yeah.

Have another drink.

That's the attitude I
want you to keep up,

and I want you to
have that attitude all...

I'm not going to be a
cream puff anymore!

Don't be no cream puff!

Yeah! A cream puff, am I?

Yeah, put her
where you want her.

That's a good idea.
Wait till I get home.


Your room is ready,
Uncle Woodrow.

And I'm going
to sleep in it too.

Now, give me my suitcase.


Would you get me my suitcase?

You heard your uncle. Will
you get him his suitcase?

The door, please.

The what?

The door!

Will you get the door, please?

Thank you, Grady,
for everything,

and here I go.




Hey, Grady, you
got my lunch ready?

Oh, hi, Lamont. Yeah.

That's what I
call perfect timing.

I just finished your sandwich.

Now, have a seat
and get into it.

What is it?

Well, now, that's peanut
butter and liverwurst

on a toasted bagel
with a touch of mayo.

S... sounds great.

Say, listen, have
you heard anything

from Aunt Esther
and Uncle Woody?

No, I still haven't,
as a matter of fact,

but if Woody takes my advice,

he'll have peace of mind.

If Woody takes your advice,
he'll have eternal peace,

because Aunt
Esther will kill him.

Grady, you've got to learn

to stay out of
family affairs, man,

especially this family's.

Well, Dear Abby got rich
meddling in family affairs.


Then why don't you
get the door, Abby?

Yeah, okay. Say,
if you get thirsty,

there's some Hawaiian
Punch in the refrigerator

to go along with
your peanut butter

and liverwurst on
the toasted bagel.


Uh... Hi, uh... Esther, fool.

Grady Wilson, I'm so mad at you

I could jump down your
throat and stomp your liver.

Well, now, I'm not in the
habit of fighting women,

but in your case, I'll
make an exception.

That did it.

Throw up your hands,
you old buzzard.

I'll teach you...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Now, wait a minute.

Now, come over
here and sit down.

I'm a Christian woman, Lamont.

I know that.

I live by the book.

I know, Aunt Esther.

People take advantage of me.

I know that.

It's a shame.

Now, would you just relax?

Now, tell me what happened.

Woodrow locked me
out is what happened.


And it was all his
idea. You old goat!


Grady... now,
you just stop that.

Now, go ahead, Aunt Esther.

Tell me what happened.

When I got back

from visiting the
sick and the shut-ins,

my bag was packed
and set on the porch.

Woodrow had locked
and bolted the door

and wouldn't let me in.

Little Uncle Woodrow did that?

But he's such a pussycat.

A pussycat who got turned
into a snaggletoothed tiger.

All I did was speak
to him man to man.

All you did was speak
to him creep to creep,

you creep!

Now, just wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute.

Now, there's got to be a
sensible solution to this.

There certainly is,

and I'm staying right here

until this mess is cleared up.

And I think that that is fair.

Oh, no. Nope, nope, nope.

What do you mean,
"nope, nope, nope"?

I mean she can't stay here

because there isn't any room.

That's what they
told the baby Jesus,

but they found him a place.

Okay, I'll build
you a little manger

out in the backyard.

And I'll get you some
sheep to sleep with.

Why, you dirty...

Aunt Esther! Now, never mind.

Now, come here, Aunt Esther.

Now, look.

Now, you can go upstairs
and you can stay in my room.

The linen has
already been changed.

Now, wait a minute, Lamont.

I don't think your father
would approve of this.

Go on up there

and make yourself
comfortable, hear?

Thank you, baby.

Now, just listen.

Don't you go in my
room by mistake,

because if I pull
back them covers

and see you, I might
have a stroke and die.

Grady Wilson,

I wouldn't go in your room
to save my mama's life.

And another thing,

when you talk to
that worm Woodrow,

you tell him his behind is
grass and I am the lawnmower.

I'll bust his skull.

I'll run into him like a
hobo run into a freight train.

See what you did?
Just see what you did.

Look what you've done now.

What I've done? I
haven't done nothing.

Yeah, thanks to you,

now we got Sister
Ike staying with us.

You mean thanks to you,

and it's all your fault, Grady.

You should have minded
your own business.

Woodrow made it my business

when he came over
here this morning.

Grady, you should know by now

to stay out of family affairs,

especially my family's.

Just stay out of it.

I've got it. I've got an idea.

Oh, no.

I've got me a little plan.

Yes, indeedy, I've
got me a little plan.


Now what are you doing?

Just you wait and see.
I've got me a little plan.

Grady Wilson, you are a genius.

Hello, Woody?
Yeah, this is Grady.

Well, yeah, I told
you it would work.

She's over here right now
just bawling like a baby.

You ought to see her.

Yeah. "Woodrow, Woodrow,
I wants my Woodrow."

Now, Woody, would I lie to you?

So I'm telling you, Woody,
she's yours if you want her.

She'll be eating out of
the palm of your hand.

Listen, just wash your
hands and get on over here.

Now, what did you do that for?

If Woodrow comes over here

expecting Aunt
Esther to be meek,

she's liable to knock him down.

One down and one to go.


You're going to be sorry
you did this, Grady Wilson.

Mark my words.

You're going to be
sorry you did this.

Aunt Minnie, Aunt Flossie!

Hello, Lamont.

Baby. How are you?

What's the matter? What
are you all doing here?

We're here looking for
our poor sweet sister.

We just left her house,

and Woody the worm
said he put her out,

and we figured
she'd be over here.

So we came over here
as fast as we could.

All right. Just... Just make
yourself at home here.

Aunt Esther!

What is it, baby?

Aunt Minnie and Aunt
Flossie are here to see you.


Flossie! Minnie! [CRIES]

Baby, don't be upset.

We've come to take
care of the whole thing.


Don't worry, Esther.
He does not...

We'll take care of Woodrow.

That's right.

He ain't going to
get away with it.

It wasn't all Woodrow's
fault. Grady put him up to this.

Grady did?

That's right.

He put all this
wickedness in his head

by getting him drunk.

There ain't enough
liquor in this house

to get Woodrow drunk.

It's all your fault. Let's
beat the hell out of him.

Wait a minute!
Don't... Wait a minute!

Now, just wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute.
Please, ladies.

Now, just sit down.

Yeah, sit down!

We ain't sitting down!

And you stay out of
this, Grady Wilson!

This whole thing is your fault.

My fault?

They're the ones that
are resorting to violence,

and as the late J.
Edgar Hoover said,

"Violence must be
met by violence."


Just wait a minute!


Now, nobody move.


I said nobody move!

The craziest house I ever
seen. I should go to St. Louis.

Uncle Woodrow.

SISTERS: Woodrow! Woodrow!

Did I hear somebody
calling Woodrow?

Yeah, that was your maker
calling you to his bosom,

and your tombstone is ready.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute, Aunt Esther.

Now, there'll be no
killing in this house!

That's right. Take him
outside. Don't kill him in here.

I don't want no
blood on these rugs.

Say, Grady, I thought you said

she would be eating out
of the palm of my hand.

Here I washed my
hands for nothing!

Is that what you
told him, sucker?

I was only trying
to help him out.

Come on, Woodrow,

this is where the cream
puff meets the battle ax.

Who are you calling
a battle ax, chump?

Yeah, who are you
calling a battle ax, chump?

Well, let me see.

There's one, two,
three. Take your choice.

Woodrow, are you
going to stand here

and let this hairy ape
call me a battle ax?

Now, wait just a
minute, hairy ape.

This battle ax
happens to be my wife!

Talk to him, Woodrow.

Now, you can't talk
to my wife like that.

I'm sorry about all
this, Esther, baby.

I'm sorry too,
Woodrow lambie-pie.

Grady was the old serpent

that tried to cast me out

of my Garden of Eden.

Yeah, Grady was the old serpent

that tried to cast you out of
your Garden of Eden. Yeah.

It's all your fault,
you old serpent!

That's the thanks I get
for trying to help you out.

Woodrow, you ain't
nothing but a cream puff,

and ought to have the cream

squeezed out of your puff.

Don't you touch
a hair on his body.

Yeah, don't you touch
a hair on his body.

Oh, I see, so now it's
two against one, huh?



Make that five.

Well, now, I'd be the
last man to call for help,

and since I'm the
last man... help!

Come on, baby.

Let's get out of
this den of iniquity.

Yeah, let's get out
of this den of iniquity.


Bock, bock, bock,
bock, bock, bock!

There they go...
Battle ax, cream puff,

and the two brides
of Frankenstein.

Well, I hope you're
happy now, Grady.

I hope you're satisfied.

You almost busted up Aunt
Esther and Uncle Woody,

you embarrassed my family,

you caused all this
trouble in the first place...

Wait a minute,
now. Just hold it.

Now, I brought them
back together again,

didn't I?

Oh, big deal.

Now, who was that a victory
for, the men or women's lib?

I'd say it was a standoff.

They ought to both burn
their drawers in a pubic place.

That's public place!

Public place!

Well, I'll see you later, Grady.

I'm going out for the evening.

I've got a little date
lined up, you know?

Did you hear what I said?

Did you know that
them women libbers

object to that airline

You know, the one that
says, "I'm Margie. Fly me."

Are you back on that again?

Well, I don't see what's
wrong with flying Margie.

It ain't up to the
women libbers.

It's up to Margie,

and if she says, "Fly me,"
then we should all fly her.

Grady, look, it's
like I told you.

Women don't want to
be known as sex symbols.

It says here that the man
that came up with the idea

is probably a male Chinese pig.

That's "male chauvinist pig."


Well, anyway, they
are sex symbols,

and cooking symbols
and kitchen symbols

and sewing symbols,

and they ought
to get used to it.

Okay, fine, Grady,
have it your own way,

but I've got a little date,

and good night, Grady.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where are you going?

I fixed supper for you.

I'm sorry. I told
you, I've got a date.

What kind of business is that?

I've been in this
kitchen all day

slaving over a hot stove.

Good night, Grady.

You can't do that to me.

I mean, don't you see the
sweat rolling down my face?

You male Chinese pig!


and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.