Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Kid - full transcript

[ Vehicle Approaches ]

[ Vehicle Door Slams ]

HEY, POP, I'M HOME. HELLO, SON.

ALL THIS PAPERWORK
SURE GETS TO YOU.

OH, YEAH? WHAT YOU
BEEN DOING ALL DAY?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
BEEN KEEPING THE BOOKS.

OH, LET ME HAVE A LOOK.

NO, THAT'S OKAY. I LIKE
TO KEEP MY BOOK IN ORDER.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
LET ME JUST LOOK AT IT.

I THOUGHT YOU...

BOOKMARK.



FIFTY-TWO OF 'EM?

I LOSE MY PLACE A LOT.

UH-HUH. SO I'VE BEEN
PLAYING A LITTLE CARDS.

WHO ARE YOU, THE F.B.I.?

PLAYED A LITTLE CARDS.
HAD A LITTLE DRINK.

TOOK A LITTLE NAP.
ANYTHING ELSE?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE
ONE OF THESE ACROSS YOUR LIP?

NEVER MIND. JUST COME ON OUT
HERE AND HELP ME UNLOAD THIS TRUCK.

GETS PRETTY LONESOME
AROUND HERE, YOU KNOW.

A MAN CAN JUST DO
SO MUCH COORDINATIN'.

IT'D BE DIFFERENT IF I
HAD A WIFE OR A DOG.

- WHY DON'T YOU
GET YOURSELF ONE?
- A WIFE?

NO, A DOG. COME ON OUT HERE.

WALK AROUND HERE
LIKE YOU OWN THE PLACE.



IT'S STILL SANFORD AND SON
AND NOT SON AND SANFORD.

HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DON'T TAKE NOTHING
OFF UNTIL I TELL YOU.

YOU WANT ME TO COORDINATE THIS INVENTORY
OR DON'T YOU? NOW WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

ONE FIVE-FOOT LENGTH OF
ONE-INCH PIPE. MAY I TAKE IT OFF NOW?

ONE FIVE-FOOT LENGTH OF
ONE-INCH PIPE. [ Pipe Clangs ]

HOLD IT! HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
DON'T JUST THROW IT ANYWHERE.

WHAT IS THAT,
GALVANIZED IRON? YEAH.

WELL, PUT IT IN THE
"G.I." SECTION. THAT'S...

THAT'S "G.I." FOR
GALVANIZED IRON.

"H.C." SECTION? HUH?

HUBCAPS. YOU WANT
ME TO PUT THEM IN "H.C."?

LET ME SEE. NO,
PUT THEM IN "G.C."

GARBAGE CAN.

[ Clattering ] YOU'RE
RIDICULOUS, YOU KNOW THAT?

JASON, HOW'D YOU GET IN THERE?

WHO IS THIS KID? WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IT'S JASON. A KID FROM THE
ROUTE. HE SNEAKED A RIDE.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE
THAT. YOU COULD HAVE GOT HURT.

WHAT YOU LOOKING FOR,
KID? HUBCAPS? RADIO AERIALS?

FRISK HIM, LAMONT.

WAIT A MINUTE, POP. HE'S
NOT A THIEF. HE'S A LITTLE KID.

- WELL, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- NINE.

WELL, YOU LOOK 21.

I'LL BET YOU HE'S A SHORT THIEF.

EITHER THAT OR HE'S A MIDGET.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE IT'S A MIDGET
WHO GOES AROUND STEALING FOR A LIVING.

HEY, POP, I'M TELLING
YOU, I KNOW THIS KID.

GOOD. ALL RIGHT, KID, YOU HAD
YOUR RIDE. NOW GO ON HOME.

CAN'T I JUST PLAY HERE
FOR A LITTLE WHILE?

NO, YOU CAN'T. GET
OUTTA MY CHAIR.

YOU CAN'T PLAY HERE
FOR NO LITTLE WHILE.

YOU'LL BE RUNNING AROUND HERE AND
CUT YOUR FOOT ON SOMETHING RUSTY.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU
CUT YOUR FOOT ON SOMETHING RUSTY?

- WHAT?
- LOCKJAW.

THEN YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO
EAT NO MORE FAT BURGERS.

POP. LOOK, JASON, YOU CAN
STAY AROUND HERE AND PLAY,

BUT BE CAREFUL AND DON'T
GET INTO NOTHING, OKAY?

THANKS, LAMONT. ALL RIGHT.

SAY, LISTEN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'LL GET US IN
TROUBLE WITH THAT KID

PLAYING AROUND HERE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT A LAWYER CALLS A
JUNKYARD? AN ATTRACTIVE NUISANCE.

- A WHAT?
- AN ATTRACTIVE NUISANCE.

- AND WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- ON A PERRY MASON RERUN.

- ARE YOU GONNA START?
- NO, NO, SEE, IT'S TRUE.

SEE, THIS MILLIONAIRE NAMED
MARCEL COLTON CALLED PERRY MASON.

BUT SEE, PERRY MASON
WAS TAKING A STEAM BATH,

SO HE HAD TO TALK TO
PERRY MASON'S SECRETARY.

- I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
- DELLA STREET.

SHE'S GOOD-LOOKING
FOR A WHITE WOMAN.

I'D LIKE TO ASK PERRY MASON
IF HE'D COME OUT HERE...

AND HELP ME LIFT THIS
STOVE OFF THIS TRUCK.

WELL, YOU BETTER ASK HIM,
'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA LIFT IT.

- OH, WHY NOT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?

IF I LIFT THIS STOVE, TOMORROW
I'LL BE WEARING A TRUSS.

- COME ON, POP.
- I DON'T MIND WEARING ONE,

BUT IT'LL MESS UP THE
CREASE IN MY PANTS.

SO, IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO IT.

IN OTHER WORDS, I
DON'T WANT A HERNIA.

YOU SEE, I'M AT THAT AGE
NOW WHERE I COULD GET ONE.

REALLY. IT'S CALLED "H.P."

- "H.P."?
- YEAH, HERNIA PRONE.

IS THAT SOMETHING ELSE I
SHOULD ASK PERRY MASON?

NO, YOU SHOULD ASK
"M.W." THAT'S MARCUS WELBY.

YOU SEE, HE HAD THIS STORY...

WHERE THIS GUY ON THE
SHOW, HE WAS A PIANO MOVER.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT
IT. HE WAS A PIANO MOVER,

AND AFTER HIS 21st WEDDING
ANNIVERSARY, HE STARTED WALKING FUNNY.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I SAID I
DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.

LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE WORK
FOR TODAY AND GO INSIDE AND EAT.

JASON! I BET HE TOOK OFF.

I BET HE TOOK OFF WITH
SOME OF MY VALUABLE STUFF.

WHAT VALUABLE STUFF?

A REFRIGERATOR, A STOVE, A SINK.

I MEAN, IT'S A GOLD
MINE OUT HERE.

AND I SUPPOSE A LITTLE KID TOOK
OFF WITH ALL THAT HEAVY STUFF, RIGHT?

WELL, MAYBE HE'S NOT ALONE.

MAYBE HE'S IN THE SYNDICATE. JUST
LIKE THAT STORY I SAW ON MOD SQUAD.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR
ABOUT IT. JASON!

HERE HE COMES NOW.

LOOK HOW HIS POCKETS IS BULGIN'.

SAY, KID, WHAT YOU GOT
THERE IN YOUR BACK POCKETS?

NOTHING, MR. SANFORD. THAT'S ME.

EVERYTHING YOU EAT MUST GO
STRAIGHT TO YOUR BACK POCKETS.

STOP IT.

NOW LOOK, JASON. WE'RE GONNA
GO INSIDE AND HAVE OUR DINNER NOW.

YEAH, SO YOU BETTER GET ON
HOME, JASON. GOOD-BYE, JASON.

YOU CAN REMEMBER HOW TO
GET HOME. IT'S NOT THAT FAR.

- GOOD-BYE, JASON.
- YEAH, SO YOU BETTER GO NOW,

OR YOUR MOTHER'S GONNA
BE REAL WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, GOOD-BYE,
JASON. SHE'S NOT HOME.

SHE'S WHAT? SHE'S NOT
HOME. SHE'S WORKING.

OH. WELL, GOOD-BYE, JASON.

WAIT A MINUTE.
JUST WAIT A MINUTE.

HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE
DINNER WITH US? I SURE WOULD!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? WHY
DON'T YOU JUST LET THE KID GO HOME?

EXCUSE ME A MINUTE, JASON. NOW LOOK.
LET THE KID EAT WITH US IF HE WANTS TO.

LISTEN, LAMONT. LET HIM GO
HOME. KIDS ARE JUST LIKE CATS.

YOU FEED HIM, AND HE'LL BE
HANGING AROUND HERE FOREVER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? HE'S GOT A HOME.

THEN LET HIM GO TO IT. GOOD-BYE,
JASON. WOULD YOU WAIT A MINUTE?

IT'S NOT AS IF WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
FOOD. WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER?

CHICKEN. FOUR BACKS
AND THREE NECKS.

WELL, THAT'S ENOUGH. YEAH,
ENOUGH FOR TWO, BUT NOT FOR THREE.

GOOD-BYE, JASON.

WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME?
I'LL GIVE HIM ONE OF MY BACKS.

WELL, IT'S YOUR BACK
AND NOT MY NECK.

GOOD. COME ON, JASON.

I'LL GO UPSTAIRS AND GET CLEANED
UP, AND I'LL BE RIGHT BACK DOWN.

SAY, KID, DON'T TOUCH NONE
OF THAT STUFF. THAT'S VALUABLE.

YEAH, THIS IS VALUABLE STUFF
HERE. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

UH-HUH, JUNK.

DON'T BE FUNNY. YOU
MIGHT BE YOUNGER THAN I AM,

BUT I CAN STILL GIVE
YOU ONE OF THESE.

YOU GOT THAT? YES, SIR.

COME ON IN THE KITCHEN
AND WASH YOUR HANDS.

IF YOU'RE GONNA EAT WITH US,
YOU GOTTA WASH YOUR HANDS.

YOU WASH YOUR HANDS? YES, SIR.

GOOD. SEE, YOU'RE ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO
WASH YOUR HANDS EVERY TIME BEFORE YOU EAT.

AND FROM THE LOOKS OF YOU, YOU SHOULD
HAVE THE CLEANEST HANDS ON YOUR BLOCK.

NOW, YOU LIKE CHICKEN? YES, SIR.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE,
BACKS OR NECKS?

I LIKE NECKS.

YOU DO, HUH? WELL, YOU KNOW,
BACKS ARE BETTER FOR YOU.

YEAH, BUT I LIKE NECKS.

YEAH, WELL, SEE, BACKS
ARE THE BEST FOR YOU.

BECAUSE IF YOU EAT NECKS, YOU MIGHT
GET ONE OF THEM BONES IN YOUR THROAT,

AND THEN YOU'LL
GROW A CHICKEN NECK.

REALLY? YEAH.

HAVEN'T YOU SEEN PEOPLE WITH
THEM LITTLE CHICKEN NECKS? REAL UGLY.

THEN WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU
WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO GET A SHAVE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GO HAVE
YOUR NECK PLUCKED.

UH, NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'LL TAKE THE BACK. GOOD BOY.

GO FINISH DRYING YOUR HANDS.
I'LL GO GET ANOTHER CHAIR.

YOU SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE.
I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

THAT'S A FINE THING YOU DID,
INVITING THAT KID HERE FOR DINNER.

WHAT ARE YOU GRUMBLING
FOR, POP? HE'S JUST ONE KID.

IT'S ONE NOW, BUT TOMORROW HE'LL
BRING FRIENDS AND THERE'LL BE MORE.

THEN THE NEXT DAY MORE. THEN
PRETTY SOON IT'LL BE SOME MORE.

THAT'S HOW BOYS
TOWN GOT STARTED.

COME ON. YEAH.

I'M PAPA SANFORD,
NOT FATHER FLANAGAN.

SAY, AND GET THAT CHAIR
THERE AND BRING IT IN HERE.

JASON, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO
DRINK? YOU WANT A GLASS OF MILK?

- OKAY.
- WHAT ABOUT A BEER?

POP, CHILDREN DO NOT DRINK BEER.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? IT'S JUST GOT
SOME BARLEY AND SOME GRAIN AND STUFF IN IT.

YOU KNOW, JUST
CORNFLAKES IN A CAN.

- NO BEER.
- OKAY, I'LL GET THE DRINKS.

HEY, JASON, WHAT DO YOU LIKE,

THE NECKS OR THE
BACKS? BACK, PLEASE.

WELL, DON'T YOU LIKE NECKS?

YEAH, BUT I'M AFRAID TO SWALLOW A BONE,
BECAUSE I'LL GROW UP WITH A CHICKEN NECK.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT? YOUR DAD.

WELL, IT'S TRUE. IT IS TRUE.

SEE, I HAD A COUSIN,
BIG SUNNY JIM HAYWOOD.

HE ALWAYS EAT CHICKENS,
AND HE EAT THE CHICKEN NECK,

AND HE GREW UP
WITH A CHICKEN NECK.

FUNNY LITTLE NECK. HE
COULDN'T GET A COLLAR TO FIT HIM.

AND ONE NIGHT, HIM AND
HIS WIFE HAD AN ARGUMENT,

AND SHE ALMOST CHOKED
HIM TO DEATH WITH ONE HAND.

[ Chuckling ] STOP IT.

AND... AND HIS TWIN BROTHER,
LITTLE JIMMY HAYWOOD,

HE USED TO GET THE
OTHER END OF THE CHICKEN.

AND... AND WHEN HE GREW UP,
HIS FACE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE...

I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!

YOU KNOW.

IS IT GOOD, JASON? IT SURE IS.

IT'S THE BEST CHICKEN
BACK I EVER ATE.

YEAH, THAT'S 'CAUSE
I COOK 'EM SPECIAL.

SEE, A LOT... A LOT OF
FOLKS JUST SHAKE 'N' BAKE,

BUT I BUY AND FRY.

- YOU REALLY LIKE IT, HUH?
- YES, SIR. YOU'RE
A GREAT COOK, MR. SANFORD.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU OUGHTA
OWN YOUR OWN RESTAURANT.

WELL, YOU MEAN THAT, HUH? WELL, LOOK HERE.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ONE OF THESE NECKS?

AND JUST BE CAREFUL NOW AND DON'T GET
NONE OF THEM SMALL BONES IN YOUR THROAT.

- THANK YOU.
- [ Rolling Thunder ]

THUNDER. SOUNDS LIKE A
STORM. I'M SCARED OF THUNDER.

HEY, JASON, AIN'T
NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THUNDER IS? IT'S
NOTHING BUT ELECTRICITY IN THE ATMOSPHERE.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING
HIM A THING LIKE THAT?

YOU'LL SCARE HIM TO DEATH.
ELECTRICITY IN THE ATMOSPHERE.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THUNDER?
WHAT MAKES THAT SOUND?

WELL, IT'S, UH... THUNDER? THAT'S
THE BLACK ANGELS TAP DANCING.

DON'T WORRY, JASON. IF A STORM
COMES UP, I'LL TAKE YOU HOME. OKAY?

OKAY. LAMONT? YEAH?

IS IT OKAY IF I SLEEP
HERE TONIGHT?

NO. NO. WAIT A MINUTE. STOP IT.

NO. NO. WOULD YOU
HOLD ON A MINUTE?

IF YOUR MOTHER COMES HOME AND YOU'RE
NOT THERE, SHE'LL BE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

SHE WON'T BE HOME. SHE'S
STAYING OVERNIGHT ON THIS JOB.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOUR
FATHER? I DON'T HAVE A FATHER.

YOU MEAN IF YOU WENT HOME
TONIGHT, YOU'D BE ALL ALONE?

HEY, IT'S OKAY. YOU
CAN STAY WITH US.

OH, BOY, THANKS! LOOK, JASON.

WHY DON'T YOU GO SEE IF THE
WINDOWS ARE CLOSED IN THE LIVING ROOM?

SEE THAT, LAMONT?
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
KIDS ARE JUST LIKE CATS.

YOU FEED THEM, AND THEY'LL
BE AROUND HERE FOREVER.

POP, YOU HEARD HIM. NO FATHER, HIS
MOTHER'S WORKING AND A STORM IS COMING UP.

NOW WHO ARE YOU, SIMON LEGREE?

NO, AND I'M NOT
CONRAD HILTON EITHER.

POP, IT'S... IT'S ONLY
GONNA BE FOR ONE NIGHT.

I'LL TAKE THE KID HOME THE FIRST
THING IN THE MORNING. NOW JUST RELAX.

IT AIN'T ENOUGH FOR ME TO BE
AROUND HERE WITH ONE DUMMY.

NOW I GOT TO HAVE
A DUMMY AND A HALF.

IT'S... IT'S OKAY,
MR. SANFORD, THEY'RE SHUT.

HOW MANY YOU WANT? FOUR.

FOUR? FOUR? AIN'T
NO WAY TO PLAY POKER.

ONLY A DUMMY WOULD
DRAW FOUR CARDS.

HERE. I'LL TAKE TWO.

- HOW MUCH YOU BET?
- I'LL BET $100.

A HUNDRED? SAY, IS
THAT A BEE OVER THERE?

I DON'T SEE NO BEE.

UH, YOU BET A HUNDRED. I'LL CALL YOUR
HUNDRED AND RAISE YOU A HUNDRED.

YOU CALL? WELL,
READ 'EM AND WEEP.

ACES OVER JACKS. WHAT YOU GOT?

- FOUR KINGS.
- FOUR KINGS?

NOW YOU OWE ME... $650.

OKAY. I'LL SHOW YOU ANOTHER
GAME. THIS IS A NEW GAME.

HERE.

NOW, UH, HERE'S THE WAY IT GOES.

THREE FOR YOU AND FOUR FOR ME.

UH, TWO FOR YOU AND
ONE, TWO, THREE FOR ME.

NOW LOOK AT YOUR CARDS.

WE ANTE UP A HUNDRED IN FRONT.

NOW WHAT YOU DO?

NOW WHAT? BET $100.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO WINS?

- HOW MANY CARDS YOU GOT?
- FIVE.

I GOT SEVEN. I WIN.

LET'S PLAY THAT GAME AGAIN.

OKAY, THEN I'LL DEAL
AGAIN. [ Vehicle Approaches ]

OH, IT'S LAMONT.

HEY, POP. JASON, WHAT
ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?

IT'S 4:00. WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU, POP?

WHEN I LEFT THIS
MORNING, YOU WOULDN'T LET

ME WAKE HIM. NOW I
COME HOME AND HE'S HERE.

WELL, SEE, HE WAS KEEPING ME COMPANY, AND
HE WAS HELPING ME COORDINATIN'. WASN'T YOU?

IS COORDINATING THE
SAME AS PLAYING POKER?

POKER? YOU WAS TEACHING A
LITTLE KID HOW TO PLAY POKER?

HE WASN'T, LAMONT. SEE?

I WAS TEACHING HIM.

WE GOTTA GET YOU HOME, MAN. YOUR
MOTHER IS PROBABLY WORRIED SICK.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL AND
TELL HER HE WAS HERE?

I ASKED HIM, AND HE WOULDN'T
GIVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER.

COME HERE, JASON.

YOU GOT A PHONE AT HOME?
OKAY, WHAT'S THE NUMBER?

HEY, LOOK. YOUR MOTHER'S
BEEN WORKING HARD ALL DAY.

WHEN SHE COMES HOME AND YOU
AIN'T THERE, IT'S GONNA MAKE HER SICK.

YOU DON'T WANNA MAKE
YOUR MOTHER SICK, DO YOU?

WHAT'S HER NAME? WINNIE.

- HER LAST NAME.
- HE AIN'T GONNA TELL YOU.

ANY KID WHO CAN DRAW FOUR KINGS
AIN'T GONNA GIVE YOU HIS PHONE NUMBER.

- WE GOTTA GET HIM HOME.
- OKAY. OKAY.

LISTEN, JASON. NOW YOU
KNOW YOU GOT TO GO.

YOU CAN'T HANG AROUND
HERE FOREVER. WHY NOT?

BECAUSE THIS IS NOT YOUR
HOUSE, AND I'M NOT YOUR FATHER.

IF YOU MARRY MY
MOTHER, YOU COULD BE.

OH, NO. FORGET THAT. I
AIN'T MARRYING NOBODY.

COME HERE, JASON.

YOU CAN COME AROUND HERE
AND PLAY ANYTIME YOU WANT TO,

BUT YOU GOTTA TELL ME YOUR PHONE
NUMBER SO I CAN CALL YOUR MOTHER.

NOW WHAT IS IT? GO AHEAD, JASON.

TELL HIM, OR I AIN'T
GONNA BE YOUR POKER PAL.

- I'LL TELL.
- GOOD.

[ Knocking ] OOPS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY,
LAMONT? WHAT'S HAPPENING?

MR. SANFORD, HOW ARE
YOU? WHAT'S GOING ON, FRED?

- WHERE YOU BEEN SO LONG?
- FIGHTING CRIME IN THE STREETS,
MR. SANFORD.

WE ARE GONNA GET IT TO THE POINT WHERE
PEOPLE CAN WALK ANYWHERE IN LOS ANGELES.

YEAH, BUT THEY'LL STILL
BE RUNNING IN WATTS.

HEY, IS THAT THE
LITTLE MAN, LAMONT?

YEAH, THIS IS JASON. JASON,
COME OVER HERE, MAN.

YOU'RE NOT SCARED, ARE
YOU? DON'T BE SCARED, SONNY.

A MAN IN BLUE IS
A FRIEND TO YOU.

YEAH, BUT, MAN IN BLUE, GET
YOUR FOOT OFF THERE. YOU KNOW...

OH, SORRY.

YOU KNOW, IN THE
LAWMAN-JUVENILE RELATIONSHIP,

THE PRIMARY CONSIDERATION
IS THE ESTABLISHMENT

OF AN ATMOSPHERE
OF MUTUAL TRUST...

BETWEEN THE OFFICIAL
AND THE MINOR IN QUESTION.

BE COOL, LITTLE BROTHER.
THE FUZZ IS YOUR CUZ.

YEAH, WE JUST WANNA
ASK A FEW QUESTIONS IS ALL.

- HOW'D YOU KNOW HE WAS HERE?
- OH, ON THE WAY HOME,

I RAN INTO SMITTY AND
HOPPY AND HAPPENED TO

TELL THEM JASON SPENT
THE NIGHT LAST NIGHT.

- HE AIN'T DONE NOTHING.
- WE JUST WANNA CHECK HIM OUT.

YOU KNOW, TO MAKE SURE HE
DIDN'T RUN AWAY OR SOMETHING.

YOU GOT A LOT OF
RUNAWAYS NOW, HUH?

OH, YES. IT'S AN
AGE-OLD PROBLEM.

DIDN'T YOU EVER RUN AWAY
FROM HOME, MR. SANFORD?

NO, BUT I HAD A BROTHER WHO USED TO
RUN AWAY ABOUT AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH.

IS THAT SO? WHAT
FINALLY HAPPENED?

HIS WIFE DIVORCED HIM.

HE'S TALKING ABOUT KIDS.

WE WANNA HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH THE
YOUNGSTER AND MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS COLD.

COOL! COOL.

JASON? JASON! HE'S GONE.

SURE HE'S GONE. YOU BRING TWO
POLICEMEN HERE AND SCARE HIM HALF TO DEATH.

HE DID WHAT ANY NORMAL
AMERICAN KID WOULD DO... SPLIT.

NOW DON'T WORRY, MR. SANFORD.
WE'LL TRY AND TRACK HIM DOWN.

SEE IF WE CAN'T REASSURE HIM. WE'LL
JUST CHECK OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I'M SURE EVERYTHING
WILL BE GRAVY.

GROOVY! I'LL SEE
YOU. GROOVY. GROOVY.

YOU BIG DUMMY, YOU SEE THAT?

YOU BRING THOSE TWO POLICEMEN
HERE, AND JASON WILL BE A RUNAWAY KID.

LISTEN. YOU KNOW
WHAT HE'LL BE DOING?

HE'LL BE IN THE PENITENTIARY
WRITING HIS STORY.

AND YOU KNOW WHO HE'S
GONNA NAME IT AFTER? YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S
GONNA CALL IT? "SUPERFINK."

THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THEN WHEN HE GETS OUT,
HE'LL COME LOOKING FOR YOU,

LIKE I SAW IN A PICTURE
ONCE WITH HUMPHREY BOGART.

A GUY SENT HUMPHREY
BOGART UP TO THE PENITENTIARY,

AND WHEN HE GOT OUT, HE
CAME LOOKING FOR THIS GUY.

HE HAD A GUN WITH TWO BULLETS IN IT,
AND I'LL NEVER FORGET HOW HE SAID THIS.

[ Imitating Bogart ] HE SAID, "LISTEN.
I GOT TWO BULLETS IN THIS GUN.

ONE FOR ME AND ONE
FOR YOU, SWEETHEART."

I'M GOING OUTSIDE
AND LOOK FOR JASON.

YOU CAN COME OUT HERE
AND LOOK IF YOU WANT TO,

BUT YOU AIN'T GONNA FIND HIM, 'CAUSE BY
NOW HE'S ACROSS THE BORDER, SWEETHEART.

JASON! JASON, ARE YOU OUT HERE?

JASON, YOU OUT HERE? IF
YOU'RE OUT HERE, SAY SO.

IF YOU'RE NOT, SAY SO, TOO, SO WE WON'T
BE MAKING FOOLS OUT OF OURSELVES. JA...

UH, LAMONT, COME HERE. YEAH?

YOU KNOW, I THINK JASON IS
SOMEWHERE OUT HERE IN THE YARD, HIDING.

- YOU THINK SO?
- I'LL BET HE IS.

I'LL BET HE AIN'T.

JASON, WHAT'D YOU RUN
AWAY FOR? WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

I WAS AFRAID THOSE COPS WERE
GONNA TAKE ME TO JUVENILE HALL.

WE WOULDN'T LET THEM DO
THAT. COME BACK IN THE HOUSE.

YEAH, COME ON IN. I'LL FIX
YOU A NICE CHICKEN DINNER.

- NECKS AND BACKS?
- NO, GIZZARDS AND FEET.

BEFORE THE POLICE CAME, YOU WAS
GONNA TELL US YOUR PHONE NUMBER AT HOME.

NOW WHAT IS IT? I
DON'T REMEMBER.

- COME ON, JASON, TELL HIM.
- I DON'T REMEMBER.

- OKAY, NO GIZZARDS AND FEET.
- 292-7399.

- OKAY, THAT'S BETTER.
- [ Vehicle Approaches ]

[ Tires Skid ] [
Vehicle Doors Slam ]

HEY, LAMONT, IT'S THE
POLICE. THEY'RE BACK AGAIN.

- LET ME GO! LET ME GO!
- [ Lamont ] JUST CALM DOWN.

JASON, WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN? I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK.

MAMA!

THIS IS THE LITTLE GUY'S MOTHER. SHE
PUT IN A REPORT HER SON WAS MISSING.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU YOUR
MOTHER WOULD BE WORRIED?

HE TOLD US THAT YOU'D
BE WORKING ALL DAY.

THAT'S TRUE, BUT HE
WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO

HIS AUNT'S HOUSE AND
STAY WITH HER OVERNIGHT.

- HE DIDN'T TELL US THAT.
- JASON, WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME?

PLAYING POKER WITH MR. SANFORD.

NO, WAIT A MINUTE. WE
WAS JUST PLAYING FOR FUN.

HE OWES ME $650.

WELL, YOU BETTER PAY UP.

UH, WE'LL, UH, WE'LL BE ON
OUR WAY NOW, MA'AM. BYE.

GOOD-BYE, AND THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP.

YEAH. SMITTY AND HOPPY,
YOU ALL DID A GREAT JOB.

THANK YOU. WE LIKE TO
THINK OF OURSELVES AS

SOMETHING LIKE THE
CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE.

YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS GET OUR MAN.

YEAH, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
CELEBRATE AND GET YOURSELF A WOMAN?

WELL, SO LONG, FATHER.

BROTHER! BROTHER. BROTHER.

WELL, WE'LL BE GOING TOO.

OH, NO, NO. DON'T RUSH OFF. WHY DON'T
YOU STAY AND HAVE DINNER WITH US?

CAN WE, MAMA, PLEASE?

WELL, I CERTAINLY DON'T WANNA
CAUSE YOU ANY MORE TROUBLE.

NO TROUBLE. THIS CALLS
FOR A CELEBRATION.

- WE'LL HAVE
A NICE CHICKEN DINNER.
- GIZZARDS AND FEET?

NO, LEGS AND THIGHS.

SAY, LAMONT, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE JASON OUT IN THE YARD...

AND SHOW HIM HOW TO
DRIBBLE A BASKETBALL? OKAY.

AND, UH, WINNIE, WHY DON'T YOU
COME INTO THE KITCHEN WITH ME...

WHILE I FLOUR THESE LEGS?

HEY, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU? HUH?

OH, NOTHING. I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

YOU MISS JASON. COME
ON. TELL THE TRUTH.

YEAH, WELL, I GOT SORT OF
USED TO HAVING HIM AROUND.

IT WAS LIKE HAVING A
LITTLE SON IN THE PLACE.

HEY, POP, YOU GOT
A SON. REMEMBER?

NO, IT AIN'T THE SAME.

YOU'VE CHANGED SINCE YOU GOT
BIG AND GREW YOUR OWN MUSTACHE.

I WONDER WHERE JASON IS TODAY.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I KNOW WHAT I'D DO IF I
WAS A MAYOR OR IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY.

I'D BUILD A BIG PARK
SO KIDS COULD PLAY IN

IT. YOU KNOW, KIDS
RUNNING AROUND LIKE JASON.

A PARK? YEAH, A PARK WHERE
YOU CAN GET THEM OFF THE STREET,

AND THEY COULD PLAY
AND STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

[ Knocking ]

JASON! HELLO,
MR. SANFORD. HI, LAMONT.

- SAY, JASON,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- MR. SANFORD,

REMEMBER YOU SAID IT'D BE ALL
RIGHT IF I CAME BACK HERE AND PLAYED?

YEAH. ANYTIME. WELL, IS IT?

HEY, GREAT! OKAY,
YOU GUYS! GOOD.

[ All ] YEA!

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.