Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 24 - Rated X - full transcript
Lamont and Rollo hit upon the information that an independent film company is looking for inexperienced black actors to be featured in an experimental new film. After some cajoling, Fred is encouraged to try out as well. However, when the three meet the director and the producer, they get a look at the script and discover that it is a pornographic movie. Before they can leave, the place is raided by the police and they land in jail. In the lock-up, Lamont calls Aunt Esther to get them out. Yet, after they are cleared of the charges, Esther won't allow them to be freed, she wants to read to the heathens some scriptures from the Bible first.
LAMONT!
LAMONT! COME ON DOWN.
I GOT YOUR LUNCH READY.
SOUP A LA FRED.
LAMONT, COME ON DOWN!
LAMONT!
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GET
DRESSED UP FOR LUNCH?
NOW I GOTTA PUT
NAPKINS ON THE TABLE.
I HOPE IT'S SOMETHING
LIGHT, POP, 'CAUSE, UH,
I'VE GOTTA GO SOMEPLACE, AND
I DON'T WANNA EAT TOO MUCH.
WELL, IT'S LIGHT,
BUT IT'S FILLIN'.
CREAM OF LEFTOVER MEAT LOAF.
WHAT'S CREAM OF LEFTOVER
MEAT LOAF? SOUP OF THE DAY.
I'M NOT EATIN' NO
SOUP THAT YOU MADE.
LISTEN, THIS SOUP IS GOOD.
IT'S NOT LIKE OUT OF THE CAN.
IT'S HOMEMADE, AND IT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT
SONG? ♪ M'M, M'M, GOOD ♪
♪ M'M, M'M, GOOD ♪
♪ SANFORD'S MEAT LOAF
SOUP IS M'M, M'M, GOOD ♪♪
I'M NOT EATIN' IT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE
ALWAYS LAPPIN' IN THE SOUP.
NOBODY DON'T WANNA EAT NO
SOUP AFTER YOU DONE LAPPED IN IT.
I AIN'T BEEN LAPPIN' IN IT.
THEN HOW YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD?
I SMELLED IT.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
SNIFFIN' IN THE SOUP.
CREAM OF DIRTY OLD MAN
SOUP, AND I AIN'T EATIN' IT!
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I
SPENT HALF OF THE MORNING...
OVER THAT HOT STOVE, AND
YOU AIN'T GONNA EAT THIS SOUP?
I TOLD YOU I WASN'T HUNGRY IN THE
FIRST PLACE. I GOT SOMETHING TO DO.
THAT WHY YOU ALL DRESSED UP?
YEAH, I GOT A VERY IMPORTANT
INTERVIEW THIS AFTERNOON.
WHAT KIND OF INTERVIEW?
I'LL TELL YOU IF YOU PROMISE...
NOT TO GO BLABBING IT ALL
OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
MY LIPS ARE LOCKED.
WELL, I'M GOIN' TO SEE A MAN
ABOUT GETTIN' A PART IN A MOVIE.
IT'S ONE OF THEM LOW-BUDGET FILMS, AND
IT'S DONE BY AN INDEPENDENT FILM COMPANY,
AND THEY PAY YOU $50 A DAY.
ONCE THE FILM COMES
OUT, I COULD BE DISCOVERED.
NOW TELL ME THE ONE ABOUT
GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS.
WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?
SAME REASON I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE
EASTER BUNNY. 'CAUSE I GOT GOOD SENSE.
THAT'S THE THING THAT
MAKES ME MAD AT YOU, POP.
THAT'S THE VERY THING
THAT MAKES ME MAD AT YOU.
ANY OLD DOG OR CAT COULD
COME IN HERE OFF THE STREET...
AND TELL YOU HE WAS
STARTIN' A MOVIE CAREER,
AND YOU'D BE ASKIN'
HIM FOR AN AUTOGRAPH.
BUT LET ME, YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD, TELL
YOU THE SAME THING, AND YOU PUT ME DOWN.
- IT'S NOT RIGHT.
- ANY OLD DOG OR CAT
COULD HAVE SOME TALENT.
AND I SUPPOSE I DON'T
HAVE NO TALENT, HUH?
YOU AIN'T GOT NO TALENT TO BE A JUNK
MAN. MAYBE YOU COULD BE A MOVIE STAR.
YOU SEE THAT? YOU SEE THAT?
THAT'S WHY I DON'T EAT
SOUP THAT YOU MAKE,
'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS LAPPIN' IN IT!
I AIN'T LAPPIN' IN IT. YOU
AIN'T GONNA EAT NONE? NO.
THEN I WAS LAPPIN' IN IT.
SAY, WHAT WAS THIS
MOVIE ABOUT, ANYWAY?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M GOING TO MEET
WITH THE DIRECTOR AND THE PRODUCER.
IN FACT, ROLLO SHOULD HAVE
BEEN HERE TEN MINUTES AGO.
WHAT? ROLLO? DID YOU SAY ROLLO?
YEAH, HE'S THE ONE
THAT TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
IF YOU AND ROLLO GONNA BE IN A
MOVIE, I GOT THE PERFECT NAME FOR IT.
"SUPER DUMMIES."
I'M NOT GONNA BE A
DUMMY MUCH LONGER.
LISTEN, AS LONG AS THERE'S
A ROLLO, YOU'LL BE A DUMMY.
HE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF YOU
'CAUSE YOU GOT AN EMPTY HEAD.
YOUR HEAD IS EMPTY. THAT'S WHY YOU
MAKE A GOOD PAIR. ROLLO AND HOLLOW.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT
IT NO MORE, OKAY? GOOD.
I AIN'T GONNA SAY NO
MORE ABOUT IT. THANK YOU.
YOU GOT INTO THIS
ON YOUR OWN. RIGHT.
I AIN'T GONNA TELL YOU
WHAT I'M THINKIN'. GOOD.
I THINK YOU'RE A BIGGER FOOL
THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
[ Knocking ]
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? HUH?
COME ON IN, ROLLO.
IS THAT ROLLO? I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU CAME OUT IN THE DAYTIME.
COME ON, ROLLO. LET'S
GET OUTTA HERE. YEAH.
OH, LISTEN. I DON'T HAVE A PICTURE OF
MYSELF. YOU THINK I'M GONNA NEED ONE?
I HOPE NOT, 'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT
A PICTURE OF MYSELF EITHER.
WELL, ROLLO, WHY DON'T YOU
GO DOWN TO THE POST OFFICE...
AND TAKE ONE OF YOUR
PICTURES DOWN OFF THE WALL?
- COME ON, ROLLO. LET'S GO.
- WAIT A MINUTE. I AIN'T
THROUGH TALKIN' YET.
LISTEN, ROLLO, I
DON'T LIKE THE WAY...
YOU'RE ALWAYS GETTIN' MY SON
MESSED UP IN YOUR CRAZY SCHEMES.
HEY, POPS! THIS MOVIE DON'T
FALL INTO THAT CATEGORY.
HEY, MAN, THIS MOVIE'S
ON THE FOR REAL SIDE, JACK.
YOU AIN'T GOT TO EXPLAIN
NOTHIN' TO HIM. YES, I DO.
A JOKE IS A JOKE, BUT WHY YOU TREAT ME LIKE
A CRIMINAL WHEN I COME HERE, MR. SANFORD?
'CAUSE I WANT YOU
TO FEEL AT HOME.
MAN, YOU BEHIND THE
TIMES, MR. SANFORD.
THIS IS THE GOLDEN AGE OF
FILMMAKING FOR THE BLACK MAN.
HEY, AND THOSE STUDIOS
ARE SEARCHIN' HIGH AND LOW...
FOR STAR MATERIAL
LIKE MYSELF AND LAMONT.
THAT'S RIGHT, POP. BLACK IS
VERY PROFITABLE RIGHT NOW.
STUDIOS IN HOLLYWOOD IS
COMIN' OUT WITH BLACK FILMS...
FASTER THAN CARS ARE
COMIN' OFF THE ASSEMBLY LINES.
FROM WHAT I'VE
SEEN OF SOME OF 'EM,
THEY OUGHTA SEND 'EM
BACK FOR CORRECTION...
LIKE THEY DO THEM CARS THAT
COME OFF THE ASSEMBLY LINE.
IN THE OLD DAYS, MOVIES WERE
MOVIES, AND STARS WERE STARS.
LOUISE BEAVERS, REX
INGRAM, LENA HORNE.
BUT NOWADAYS, ANY FOOL THEY
CUT LOOSE FROM A FOOTBALL TEAM,
RIGHT AWAY THEY STICK HIM IN FRONT
OF A CAMERA AND CALL IT A MOVIE.
YOU GOT TO CRAWL
BEFORE YOU WALK, JACK.
PERSONALLY, I'M HAPPY TO BE
NUMBERED AMONG THE BROTHERS...
TAKING THESE GREAT
STRIDES FORWARD. ME TOO.
EVEN IF I DON'T MAKE IT, IT
WON'T BE BECAUSE I DIDN'T TRY.
I DON'T PLAN TO SPEND THE REST OF
MY LIFE PUMPIN' GAS AND CHANGIN' OIL.
I DON'T PLAN TO SPEND THE
REST OF MY LIFE SELLIN' JUNK.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO PUMP SOME
GAS AND OIL AND YOU GO SELL SOME JUNK?
COME ON, MAN. LET'S GET
OUTTA HERE. WAIT A MINUTE.
I WANNA SHOW YOUR OLD MAN
THIS AIN'T JIVE NONSENSE WE INTO.
WHAT IS THAT, A SUMMONS?
THIS IS OUR PASSPORT OUT OF THE
VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF POVERTY...
AND STRAIGHT INTO THE
SPLENDOR THAT IS BEVERLY HILLS.
AND UP THE RIVER
TO THE PENITENTIARY.
HEY, COME ON, MAN.
LET'S GET IN THE WIND.
THERE THEY GO, FRICK AND
FRACK. TWO BIG-TIME MOVIE STARS.
"WANTED"... THAT SOUND
LIKE ROLLO ALREADY.
"WANTED: BLACK MOVIE
ACTORS AND ACTRESSES...
"FOR EXCITING FILM BY REVOLUTIONARY,
INDEPENDENT FILM COMPANY.
"YES, THAT MEANS YOU, MISTER
AND MISS UNTAPPED TALENT.
"ARE YOU TIRED OF
A LACKLUSTER LIFE?
"WELL, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE
TO TAKE YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE...
"WITH THE STARS AND CELEBRITIES THAT
YOU'VE WATCHED THROUGH THE YEARS.
YOU TOO CAN BE A MOVIE STAR.
NO PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE NEEDED."
WELL, THEM TWO DUMMIES
CAN BE A MOVIE STAR, SO CAN I.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE
THE PROFILE I GOT.
AND I KNOW I CAN ACT.
RONALD COLMAN.
IF I WERE KING,
THE STARS WOULD BE YOUR JURY...
AND THE SUN WOULD BE YOUR LIGHT.
IF I WERE KING.
CHARLES LAUGHTON.
COME HERE, MR. CHRISTIAN!
[ Knocking ] YEAH. COME ON IN.
YEAH, CAN I HELP YOU?
MY SON, LAMONT SANFORD,
AND HIS FRIEND CAME DOWN HERE.
HE LEFT THIS WITH ME IN CASE I
WANTED TO GET IN A MOVIE TOO.
YOU MUST MEAN THOSE TWO
GUYS THAT JUST GOT HERE.
MM. WAIT A MINUTE. SIT DOWN.
HELLO, DON?
YEAH. CAN YOU COME
IN HERE A MINUTE?
SO, UH, YOU WANNA BE
IN PICTURES, HUH? YES.
YOU EVER DONE ANY ACTING?
WELL, I PLAYED SANTA CLAUS
IN A PAGEANT BACK IN ST. LOUIS.
- NO FOOLING.
- YEAH, I STILL REMEMBER
SOME OF THE WORDS.
'TWAS THE NIGHT
BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE...
NOT A CREATURE WAS
STIRRING, NOT EVEN A RAT.
- ISN'T THAT "MOUSE"?
- RAT. THIS PAGEANT
WAS IN THE GHETTO.
OH, UH, DON, THIS
GENTLEMAN HERE...
WOULD LIKE TO WORK
IN PICTURES WITH US.
DON'S OUR DIRECTOR.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK WE COULD
FIND A PLACE FOR HIM.
UH, LET ME SEE. THE HAREM SCENE.
WOULDN'T HE BE DELICIOUS?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. GOOD
THINKIN', DON. GOOD THINKIN'.
- [ Chuckling ]
- YEAH, THAT'S GOOD THINKIN',
DON. THAT'S...
WAIT. WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
GO RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR AND
RELAX WITH YOUR SON AND HIS FRIEND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT WITH
YOU. OKAY. SAY, LISTEN.
YOU WANT ME TO SHAVE MY BEARD
OFF? I'LL SHAVE IT OFF IF YOU WANT ME TO.
NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
I AM, AIN'T I?
WELL, LOOK WHO'S
HERE? ROCK AND TAB.
OH, NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE? DID YOU FOLLOW US?
NO, THE MAN SAID THAT HE
COULD DEFINITELY USE ME...
AND THAT I WAS PERFECT.
AND YOU KNOW, THAT
DIRECTOR SAID I WAS DELICIOUS.
[ Laughing ] YOU KNOW, I
THINK THAT DIRECTOR IS...
SAY, ROLLO, COME
HERE, MAN. WHAT?
WHAT KIND OF MOVIE CAN THIS
BE IF THEY'RE GONNA USE HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN. MAYBE THEY JUST
GONNA USE HIM FOR THE CROWD SCENE.
AH. ALL RIGHT,
GENTLEMEN. DON, LET'S GO.
YES. NOW, GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU
KINDLY UNDRESS DOWN TO YOUR SHORTS?
OH, YEAH, SURE. OH, SURE. OKAY.
DID YOU SAY FOR US
TO GET UNDRESSED?
MAYBE IT'S JUST FOR OUR
COSTUMES, RIGHT, JACK?
I'M SORRY. YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN SEEN THE SCRIPT YET.
IT'S BASICALLY SKELETAL. WE
DO A LOT OF IMPROVISATIONS.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK
AT THE SCRIPT YOURSELF?
[ Lamont ] OH, YEAH,
THAT'S... THAT'S... SPIFFY.
SAY, WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS?
AIN'T NOBODY GOT NO CLOTHES ON.
- NOW YOU'RE GETTIN' IT.
- I AIN'T GETTIN' NOTHIN'
BUT THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
YEAH, COME ON, ROLLO. YEAH.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US
THIS WAS GONNA BE A NUDIE?
I AIN'T GONNA BE IN NO
NAKED MOVIE. I AIN'T NO NUDIE.
YOU'RE ALREADY HERE.
WHAT DO YOU GOT TO LOSE?
YOU GONNA LOSE ABOUT 19 OF
YOUR TEETH IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!
COME ON. COME ON,
POP. FORGET IT, MAN.
- JUST FORGET IT.
- HOLD ON! DON'T ANYBODY MOVE!
YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!
WAIT A MINUTE, OFFICER.
WHAT'S THE CHARGE? THE CHARGE IS
TAKING PART IN A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE.
WHAT? COME ON! OUT! MOVE!
YOU TOO! LET'S GO!
OH!
OH, I FEEL A BIG ONE!
I'M COMIN' TO JOIN
YOU, ELIZABETH!
YOU HEAR THAT? BUT
SHUT YOUR EYES, HONEY!
IT'S A NUDIE RAP!
LET ME OUTTA HERE, YOU
HEAR THAT? LET ME OUTTA HERE!
HEY, LET ME OUTTA HERE!
A JAILBIRD.
A 65-YEAR-OLD JAILBIRD.
I'LL BET YOU THEY CUT
OFF MY SOCIAL SECURITY.
- HEY, RELAX, POP.
- HEY, MR. SANFORD,
YOU BETTER CALM DOWN.
DON'T LET THIS PLACE GET TO YOU.
PRETTY SOON YOU'LL BE STIR-CRAZY.
THEN THEY'LL THROW
YOU IN THE HOLE.
YOU MEAN LIKE THEY DID PAUL MUNI IN
I WAS A FUGITIVE FROM A CHAIN GANG?
- THAT'S IT.
- OH, I COULDN'T TAKE THAT.
HEY! LET ME OUTTA
HERE! I'M INNOCENT!
I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'!
LET ME OUTTA HERE!
YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL RALPH
ABERNATHY FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS!
LET ME OUTTA HERE!
POP, QUIET DOWN.
[ Fred ] LET ME
OUT! KNOCK IT OFF!
I WANNA GET OUTTA HERE. SAY,
OLD DUDE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY DON'T YOU CANCEL ALL
THIS NOISE YOU'RE MAKING?
CAN'T EVEN HEAR
MY RADIO FOR YOU.
LISTEN, I-I-I'M A REAL SICK MAN.
I GOT TO GET OUT SO I CAN GET TO
MY MEDICINE, ELSE I'LL GO LIKE THIS.
I MEAN, LIKE THIS.
SO? "SO"? IS THAT ALL
YOU CAN SAY IS "SO"?
WHAT KIND OF BROTHER ARE YOU?
YOU MUST BE A WEST INDIAN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? LET ME
OUTTA HERE SO I CAN MAKE MY ONE PHONE CALL.
"ONE PHONE CALL"? WHAT ONE
PHONE CALL IS THAT, OLD DUDE?
THE ONE PHONE CALL YOU GET
TO MAKE WHEN YOU GET ARRESTED.
IF YOU'D BEEN WATCHING PERRY MASON, YOU'D
KNOW WHAT PHONE CALL I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
YEAH, HE'S RIGHT. WE DO
GET TO MAKE ONE PHONE CALL.
OKAY, I'LL LET YOU MAKE YOUR
ONE PHONE CALL IF YOU BE QUIET.
GOOD. GOOD. [ Muttering ]
SAY, POP, LOOK. I'LL MAKE
THE PHONE CALL, OKAY?
SEE, I WAS JUST
GONNA CALL SPARITOBA.
YOU KNOW, BUBBA'S FRIEND
SPARITOBA? WHO'S SPARITOBA?
HE'S A PART-TIME LAWYER AND
DELIVERYMAN DOWN AT LEO'S BARBECUE.
SEE, TODAY IS FRIDAY, SO HE'LL BE OUT
THERE DELIVERING AT LEO'S BARBECUE TODAY.
NEVER MIND, POP. I
KNOW WHO TO CALL, OKAY?
UH, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN, JACK.
SAY, LISTEN HERE. HEY.
WH-WHERE'S THE MEN'S ROOM?
JUST TURN AROUND AND AIM
YOURSELF IN THAT DIRECTION.
THERE? THERE.
THAT'S IT?
YEAH. WHAT DID YOU THINK
IT WAS, A GOLDFISH BOWL?
WELL... IT'S ALL
OUT IN THE OPEN.
I AIN'T GONNA NEVER
BE ABLE TO USE THAT.
I HOPE YOU DON'T GET
TOO LONG A SENTENCE THEN.
SAY, LISTEN, GIMME A
CIGARETTE, WILL YOU?
OH, I AIN'T GOT ANY. I THOUGHT
YOU QUIT SMOKING ANYWAY.
I DID QUIT SMOKING, BUT WHEN I GET
UPSET, I GOTTA HAVE ME A CIGARETTE.
SAY, ANYBODY HERE
GOT A CIGARETTE?
[ Man ] OH, MR. SANFORD.
YEAH, WHO IS THAT?
OVER HERE, MR. SANFORD,
IN THE NEXT CELL.
WHAT YOU WANT? I THOUGHT I
HEARD YOU ASKING FOR A CIGARETTE,
AND I THOUGHT I'D OFFER YOU ONE.
I DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE YOUR
BRAND. ANY BRAND IS ALL RIGHT,
AS LONG AS IT AIN'T NONE OF
THAT ACAPULCO ARTICHOKE.
THIS COULD BE VERY DISCONCERTING
THE FIRST TIME AROUND.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE
TO HOLD YOUR HAND, SO TO SPEAK.
A MAN COULD GET LOCKED UP HERE
AWAY FROM LOVED ONES AND SWEETHEARTS.
IT COULD GET VERY
LONELY AFTER A FEW WEEKS.
OH, I'M SORRY.
HERE'S MY LIGHTER.
SAY, HERE... HERE'S YOUR
CIGARETTE AND YOUR LIGHTER.
WHAT HAPPENED, MAN?
EVERYTHING'S COOL.
I CALLED AUNT ESTHER.
SHE'S ON THE WAY OVER HERE.
ESTHER? YOU CALLED
AUNT ESTHER UP?
NOW EVERYBODY IN TOWN
IS GONNA KNOW ABOUT THIS!
IS AUNT ESTHER A
TALKER OR SOMETHING?
IS SHE A TALKER? HER MOUTH'S SO BIG, YOU
CAN PUT YOUR HEAD IN IT WITH YOUR HAT ON.
POP, WE NEED AUNT ESTHER.
NOW, SHE'S THE ONE
WITH THE HABEAS CORPUS.
YEAH, SHE GOT A
BIG ONE OF THEM TOO.
I SUPPOSE YOU DON'T
WANT ESTHER TO GET US OUT
OF HERE, HUH? YOU JUST
WANNA STAY IN HERE?
MAYBE, IF THEY GIVE ME A
CELL WITH A DECENT TOILET.
DINNER IS SERVED.
THIS IS DINNER?
THERE'S A FRIED BOLOGNA
SANDWICH ON TOAST, HOT,
WARM MILK, TOOTSIE ROLL POPS,
AND I'LL WARM THAT UP
FOR YOU IF YOU WANT ME TO.
NO? WELL, BON APPÉTIT,
AMIGOS. BON APPÉTIT.
WHY, YOU... [ Sighs ]
[ Fred ] I CAN'T EAT THIS HERE.
I CAN'T EAT IT. I'M GOIN'
ON A HUNGER STRIKE.
YOU HEAR THAT, CITY HALL?
I'M GOIN' ON A HUNGER STRIKE!
POP! WOULD YOU QUIET
DOWN? THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP.
I CAN'T EAT NO SANDWICHES.
SANDWICHES MAKE ME BURP.
HEY, EAT YOUR TOOTSIE
ROLL POP, POP. THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT A WAY TO
SPEND MY LAST DAYS,
SITTIN' BETWEEN TWO DUMMIES,
SUCKIN' ON A TOOTSIE ROLL POP.
WELL, HERE THEY ARE, MA'AM.
WINKIN', BLINKIN' AND NOD.
MAN, AUNT ESTHER,
ARE WE GLAD TO SEE YOU.
WELL, I'M SURE NOT GLAD TO
SEE YOU, AT LEAST NOT IN JAIL.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU
SHUT UP, ESTHER.
YOU JUST KEEP SUCKIN'
ON THAT SUCKER, SUCKER.
AND WHEN I PULL
YOUR CHAIN, YOU BARK.
OTHERWISE, DON'T
YOU SAY NOTHIN'.
LAMONT SANFORD,
I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
IF YOUR MOTHER WAS ALIVE TO SEE YOU
RIGHT NOW, THIS WOULD BREAK HER HEART.
THIS WOULD KILL HER.
HEY, YOU OVER THERE.
AREN'T YOU RITA
LARSON'S BOY ROLLO?
- YES, MA'AM.
- JUST WAIT TILL RITA
HEARS ABOUT THIS.
IT'S GONNA BREAK HER HEART.
AUNT ESTHER, ARE YOU GONNA
HELP US GET OUTTA HERE?
THEY'RE CHECKIN'
IT OUT UPSTAIRS.
FRED SANFORD, I'M GLAD MY
SISTER ISN'T HERE TO SEE THIS...
AND SEE THE AWFUL STAIN
YOU PUT ON OUR FAMILY.
LISTEN, ESTHER, I DIDN'T
PUT NO STAIN ON YOUR FAMILY.
YOUR FAMILY WAS STAINED
WHEN I MET YOU-ALL.
- DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY!
- I'LL TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.
EVERY TIME A BABY WAS BORN,
THEY HAD THAT UGLY STAIN ON 'EM.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT UGLY STAIN.
EVEN AJAX COULDN'T DO
NOTHIN' WITH A STAIN LIKE THAT.
HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING
LIKE THAT ABOUT MY FAMILY!
WHY, YOU BEAN-EATIN'
BEAR HUGGER!
DON'T YOU CALL ME THAT! I'M
GONNA BEAT YOUR BRAINS IN!
DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT
MY FAMILY! [ Fred Shouting ]
WAIT A MINUTE, LADY.
JUST A MINUTE. PLEASE!
LADY, JUST A MINUTE.
PLEASE! PLEASE. WHEW!
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
FRED SANFORD, LAMONT
SANFORD AND ROLLO LARSON.
- YEAH, THAT'S US.
- YOU'RE THE MEN WHO WERE
BROUGHT IN HERE...
IN CONJUNCTION WITH A RAID ON A
PORNOGRAPHIC FILM FACTORY, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH, BUT IT WAS... WE
WERE FRAMED! WE'RE INNOCENT!
WAIT A MINUTE, POP.
DON'T SPOIL IT FOR US.
YEAH, SHUT YOUR
DOUBLE-BREASTED LIPS!
UH, LADY... YOU DIRTY OLD MAN!
GUILT IS WRITTEN ALL OVER
YOUR LECHEROUS FACE!
WILL YOU HOLD IT, PLEASE?
LADY... YOU SHUT YOUR BIG...
SHH, SHH. QUIET, QUIET.
SHH... LADY, HOLD IT! DON'T
YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP!
I'LL SHUT UP WHEN I GET READY!
YOU DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. WAIT
A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
THANK YOU. WE CAN GET THIS
THING ALL CLEARED UP RIGHT AWAY.
NOW, I'M SORRY IF YOUR DETENTION
HAS INCONVENIENCED YOU GENTLEMEN,
BUT WE HAD TO CHECK OUT YOUR
STORY, AND YOU'VE BEEN EXONERATED.
HEY, BEAUTIFUL! CAN WE GET
OUTTA HERE NOW, LIEUTENANT?
THAT'S RIGHT. OPEN UP
THE GATE AND LET 'EM GO.
WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD IT. WHAT?
- DON'T LET 'EM OUT YET.
- [ Together ] WHAT?
I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY TO 'EM.
CAN'T YOU SAY IT TO
'EM OUT ON THE STREET?
THESE HEATHENS AIN'T GONNA
STAND STILL TO LISTEN TO THIS.
ISAIAH, CHAPTER
42, VERSES 5 TO 7.
[ All Groan ] DON'T TELL ME...
[ Muttering ]
"THUS SAID GOD THE LORD,
"I THE LORD HAVE CALLED
YOU IN RIGHTEOUSNESS...
TO BRING OUT THE PRISONERS AND THEM THAT
SIT IN DARKNESS OUT OF THE PRISON HOUSE."
I DON'T HEAR NO AMEN IN THERE.
CAN I GET AN AMEN
FOR CHAPTER 42?
AMEN. AMEN. AMEN, ESTHER.
- LET US GET ON OUTTA HERE.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
LET ME HEAR SOMETHIN'
IF YOU WANNA GET OUT.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT
KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT THE BIBLE.
REMEMBER THIS: HE WHO
KEEP RUNNIN' THY LIPETH...
WILL GET THEIR LIPETH
SPLITETH WITH ONE OF THESE!
AND ONE OF THOSE!
WELL, IT'S BEEN A
LONG, HARD DAY.
I THINK I'M GONNA
TURN IN, POP. I...
YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU READING?
HUH? OH. I-I'M LOOKIN'
AT THE MOVIE SECTION.
YOU THINK THOSE PORNO
MOVIES AIN'T BIG THESE DAYS?
LISTEN. THEY ALL OVER
THE PLACE. LOOK AT THESE.
"NURSE'S NIGHT OUT.
FRANK, DARING AND BOLD."
AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
"SWEETS FROM SWEDEN.
NO ONE UNDER 40 ADMITTED."
AND HERE'S ANOTHER
ONE. "SEX ON THE HIGH SEAS.
THE STORY OF A MAN,
A WOMAN AND A FISH."
- THEY'RE DISGUSTIN',
AIN'T THEY?
- YEAH.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GETTIN'
UPTIGHT ABOUT THEM PICTURES.
THEY'VE BEEN CONDEMNED
IN A LOT OF PLACES.
THEY SHOULD BE. I'D BE THE
FIRST ONE TO CONDEMN 'EM.
DO WHAT YOU WANT
TO DO. I'M GOIN' TO BED.
YOU THINK I WON'T? YOU
BETCHA I'LL CALL SOMEBODY.
NURSE'S NIGHT OUT.
SWEETS FROM SWEDEN.
HIGH SEAS AND ALL THAT STUFF. WONDERED
WHAT HAPPENED TO OLD FAMILY MOVIES?
LIKE MICKEY ROONEY IN THEM ANDY
HARDY PICTURES, STUFF LIKE THAT.
NOBODY DON'T PLAY THAT
STUFF NO MORE. UH, HELLO.
THIS THE PARADISE THEATER?
YEAH. WELL, LISTEN. YOU SHOWIN' A PICTURE
DOWN THERE CALLED NURSE'S NIGHT OUT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING SHOWING THAT
KIND OF MOVIE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD THEATER?
WHAT? IT SHOWS WHAT?
THEY ARE?
THEY DO?
WELL, LISTEN, WH-WHAT TIME THE
NEXT ONE... THE NEXT ONE START?
YEAH. OH, OKAY.
UH... WELL, I GOTTA GO DOWN AND
SEE 'EM BEFORE I CAN CONDEMN 'EM.
[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
LAMONT! COME ON DOWN.
I GOT YOUR LUNCH READY.
SOUP A LA FRED.
LAMONT, COME ON DOWN!
LAMONT!
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GET
DRESSED UP FOR LUNCH?
NOW I GOTTA PUT
NAPKINS ON THE TABLE.
I HOPE IT'S SOMETHING
LIGHT, POP, 'CAUSE, UH,
I'VE GOTTA GO SOMEPLACE, AND
I DON'T WANNA EAT TOO MUCH.
WELL, IT'S LIGHT,
BUT IT'S FILLIN'.
CREAM OF LEFTOVER MEAT LOAF.
WHAT'S CREAM OF LEFTOVER
MEAT LOAF? SOUP OF THE DAY.
I'M NOT EATIN' NO
SOUP THAT YOU MADE.
LISTEN, THIS SOUP IS GOOD.
IT'S NOT LIKE OUT OF THE CAN.
IT'S HOMEMADE, AND IT'S GOOD.
YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT
SONG? ♪ M'M, M'M, GOOD ♪
♪ M'M, M'M, GOOD ♪
♪ SANFORD'S MEAT LOAF
SOUP IS M'M, M'M, GOOD ♪♪
I'M NOT EATIN' IT, 'CAUSE YOU'RE
ALWAYS LAPPIN' IN THE SOUP.
NOBODY DON'T WANNA EAT NO
SOUP AFTER YOU DONE LAPPED IN IT.
I AIN'T BEEN LAPPIN' IN IT.
THEN HOW YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD?
I SMELLED IT.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
SNIFFIN' IN THE SOUP.
CREAM OF DIRTY OLD MAN
SOUP, AND I AIN'T EATIN' IT!
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I
SPENT HALF OF THE MORNING...
OVER THAT HOT STOVE, AND
YOU AIN'T GONNA EAT THIS SOUP?
I TOLD YOU I WASN'T HUNGRY IN THE
FIRST PLACE. I GOT SOMETHING TO DO.
THAT WHY YOU ALL DRESSED UP?
YEAH, I GOT A VERY IMPORTANT
INTERVIEW THIS AFTERNOON.
WHAT KIND OF INTERVIEW?
I'LL TELL YOU IF YOU PROMISE...
NOT TO GO BLABBING IT ALL
OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
MY LIPS ARE LOCKED.
WELL, I'M GOIN' TO SEE A MAN
ABOUT GETTIN' A PART IN A MOVIE.
IT'S ONE OF THEM LOW-BUDGET FILMS, AND
IT'S DONE BY AN INDEPENDENT FILM COMPANY,
AND THEY PAY YOU $50 A DAY.
ONCE THE FILM COMES
OUT, I COULD BE DISCOVERED.
NOW TELL ME THE ONE ABOUT
GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS.
WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?
SAME REASON I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE
EASTER BUNNY. 'CAUSE I GOT GOOD SENSE.
THAT'S THE THING THAT
MAKES ME MAD AT YOU, POP.
THAT'S THE VERY THING
THAT MAKES ME MAD AT YOU.
ANY OLD DOG OR CAT COULD
COME IN HERE OFF THE STREET...
AND TELL YOU HE WAS
STARTIN' A MOVIE CAREER,
AND YOU'D BE ASKIN'
HIM FOR AN AUTOGRAPH.
BUT LET ME, YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD, TELL
YOU THE SAME THING, AND YOU PUT ME DOWN.
- IT'S NOT RIGHT.
- ANY OLD DOG OR CAT
COULD HAVE SOME TALENT.
AND I SUPPOSE I DON'T
HAVE NO TALENT, HUH?
YOU AIN'T GOT NO TALENT TO BE A JUNK
MAN. MAYBE YOU COULD BE A MOVIE STAR.
YOU SEE THAT? YOU SEE THAT?
THAT'S WHY I DON'T EAT
SOUP THAT YOU MAKE,
'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS LAPPIN' IN IT!
I AIN'T LAPPIN' IN IT. YOU
AIN'T GONNA EAT NONE? NO.
THEN I WAS LAPPIN' IN IT.
SAY, WHAT WAS THIS
MOVIE ABOUT, ANYWAY?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M GOING TO MEET
WITH THE DIRECTOR AND THE PRODUCER.
IN FACT, ROLLO SHOULD HAVE
BEEN HERE TEN MINUTES AGO.
WHAT? ROLLO? DID YOU SAY ROLLO?
YEAH, HE'S THE ONE
THAT TOLD ME ABOUT IT.
IF YOU AND ROLLO GONNA BE IN A
MOVIE, I GOT THE PERFECT NAME FOR IT.
"SUPER DUMMIES."
I'M NOT GONNA BE A
DUMMY MUCH LONGER.
LISTEN, AS LONG AS THERE'S
A ROLLO, YOU'LL BE A DUMMY.
HE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF YOU
'CAUSE YOU GOT AN EMPTY HEAD.
YOUR HEAD IS EMPTY. THAT'S WHY YOU
MAKE A GOOD PAIR. ROLLO AND HOLLOW.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT
IT NO MORE, OKAY? GOOD.
I AIN'T GONNA SAY NO
MORE ABOUT IT. THANK YOU.
YOU GOT INTO THIS
ON YOUR OWN. RIGHT.
I AIN'T GONNA TELL YOU
WHAT I'M THINKIN'. GOOD.
I THINK YOU'RE A BIGGER FOOL
THAN I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
[ Knocking ]
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? HUH?
COME ON IN, ROLLO.
IS THAT ROLLO? I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU CAME OUT IN THE DAYTIME.
COME ON, ROLLO. LET'S
GET OUTTA HERE. YEAH.
OH, LISTEN. I DON'T HAVE A PICTURE OF
MYSELF. YOU THINK I'M GONNA NEED ONE?
I HOPE NOT, 'CAUSE I AIN'T GOT
A PICTURE OF MYSELF EITHER.
WELL, ROLLO, WHY DON'T YOU
GO DOWN TO THE POST OFFICE...
AND TAKE ONE OF YOUR
PICTURES DOWN OFF THE WALL?
- COME ON, ROLLO. LET'S GO.
- WAIT A MINUTE. I AIN'T
THROUGH TALKIN' YET.
LISTEN, ROLLO, I
DON'T LIKE THE WAY...
YOU'RE ALWAYS GETTIN' MY SON
MESSED UP IN YOUR CRAZY SCHEMES.
HEY, POPS! THIS MOVIE DON'T
FALL INTO THAT CATEGORY.
HEY, MAN, THIS MOVIE'S
ON THE FOR REAL SIDE, JACK.
YOU AIN'T GOT TO EXPLAIN
NOTHIN' TO HIM. YES, I DO.
A JOKE IS A JOKE, BUT WHY YOU TREAT ME LIKE
A CRIMINAL WHEN I COME HERE, MR. SANFORD?
'CAUSE I WANT YOU
TO FEEL AT HOME.
MAN, YOU BEHIND THE
TIMES, MR. SANFORD.
THIS IS THE GOLDEN AGE OF
FILMMAKING FOR THE BLACK MAN.
HEY, AND THOSE STUDIOS
ARE SEARCHIN' HIGH AND LOW...
FOR STAR MATERIAL
LIKE MYSELF AND LAMONT.
THAT'S RIGHT, POP. BLACK IS
VERY PROFITABLE RIGHT NOW.
STUDIOS IN HOLLYWOOD IS
COMIN' OUT WITH BLACK FILMS...
FASTER THAN CARS ARE
COMIN' OFF THE ASSEMBLY LINES.
FROM WHAT I'VE
SEEN OF SOME OF 'EM,
THEY OUGHTA SEND 'EM
BACK FOR CORRECTION...
LIKE THEY DO THEM CARS THAT
COME OFF THE ASSEMBLY LINE.
IN THE OLD DAYS, MOVIES WERE
MOVIES, AND STARS WERE STARS.
LOUISE BEAVERS, REX
INGRAM, LENA HORNE.
BUT NOWADAYS, ANY FOOL THEY
CUT LOOSE FROM A FOOTBALL TEAM,
RIGHT AWAY THEY STICK HIM IN FRONT
OF A CAMERA AND CALL IT A MOVIE.
YOU GOT TO CRAWL
BEFORE YOU WALK, JACK.
PERSONALLY, I'M HAPPY TO BE
NUMBERED AMONG THE BROTHERS...
TAKING THESE GREAT
STRIDES FORWARD. ME TOO.
EVEN IF I DON'T MAKE IT, IT
WON'T BE BECAUSE I DIDN'T TRY.
I DON'T PLAN TO SPEND THE REST OF
MY LIFE PUMPIN' GAS AND CHANGIN' OIL.
I DON'T PLAN TO SPEND THE
REST OF MY LIFE SELLIN' JUNK.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO PUMP SOME
GAS AND OIL AND YOU GO SELL SOME JUNK?
COME ON, MAN. LET'S GET
OUTTA HERE. WAIT A MINUTE.
I WANNA SHOW YOUR OLD MAN
THIS AIN'T JIVE NONSENSE WE INTO.
WHAT IS THAT, A SUMMONS?
THIS IS OUR PASSPORT OUT OF THE
VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF POVERTY...
AND STRAIGHT INTO THE
SPLENDOR THAT IS BEVERLY HILLS.
AND UP THE RIVER
TO THE PENITENTIARY.
HEY, COME ON, MAN.
LET'S GET IN THE WIND.
THERE THEY GO, FRICK AND
FRACK. TWO BIG-TIME MOVIE STARS.
"WANTED"... THAT SOUND
LIKE ROLLO ALREADY.
"WANTED: BLACK MOVIE
ACTORS AND ACTRESSES...
"FOR EXCITING FILM BY REVOLUTIONARY,
INDEPENDENT FILM COMPANY.
"YES, THAT MEANS YOU, MISTER
AND MISS UNTAPPED TALENT.
"ARE YOU TIRED OF
A LACKLUSTER LIFE?
"WELL, THIS IS YOUR CHANCE
TO TAKE YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE...
"WITH THE STARS AND CELEBRITIES THAT
YOU'VE WATCHED THROUGH THE YEARS.
YOU TOO CAN BE A MOVIE STAR.
NO PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE NEEDED."
WELL, THEM TWO DUMMIES
CAN BE A MOVIE STAR, SO CAN I.
AND THEY DON'T HAVE
THE PROFILE I GOT.
AND I KNOW I CAN ACT.
RONALD COLMAN.
IF I WERE KING,
THE STARS WOULD BE YOUR JURY...
AND THE SUN WOULD BE YOUR LIGHT.
IF I WERE KING.
CHARLES LAUGHTON.
COME HERE, MR. CHRISTIAN!
[ Knocking ] YEAH. COME ON IN.
YEAH, CAN I HELP YOU?
MY SON, LAMONT SANFORD,
AND HIS FRIEND CAME DOWN HERE.
HE LEFT THIS WITH ME IN CASE I
WANTED TO GET IN A MOVIE TOO.
YOU MUST MEAN THOSE TWO
GUYS THAT JUST GOT HERE.
MM. WAIT A MINUTE. SIT DOWN.
HELLO, DON?
YEAH. CAN YOU COME
IN HERE A MINUTE?
SO, UH, YOU WANNA BE
IN PICTURES, HUH? YES.
YOU EVER DONE ANY ACTING?
WELL, I PLAYED SANTA CLAUS
IN A PAGEANT BACK IN ST. LOUIS.
- NO FOOLING.
- YEAH, I STILL REMEMBER
SOME OF THE WORDS.
'TWAS THE NIGHT
BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE...
NOT A CREATURE WAS
STIRRING, NOT EVEN A RAT.
- ISN'T THAT "MOUSE"?
- RAT. THIS PAGEANT
WAS IN THE GHETTO.
OH, UH, DON, THIS
GENTLEMAN HERE...
WOULD LIKE TO WORK
IN PICTURES WITH US.
DON'S OUR DIRECTOR.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK WE COULD
FIND A PLACE FOR HIM.
UH, LET ME SEE. THE HAREM SCENE.
WOULDN'T HE BE DELICIOUS?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. GOOD
THINKIN', DON. GOOD THINKIN'.
- [ Chuckling ]
- YEAH, THAT'S GOOD THINKIN',
DON. THAT'S...
WAIT. WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
GO RIGHT THROUGH THAT DOOR AND
RELAX WITH YOUR SON AND HIS FRIEND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT WITH
YOU. OKAY. SAY, LISTEN.
YOU WANT ME TO SHAVE MY BEARD
OFF? I'LL SHAVE IT OFF IF YOU WANT ME TO.
NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
I AM, AIN'T I?
WELL, LOOK WHO'S
HERE? ROCK AND TAB.
OH, NO. WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE? DID YOU FOLLOW US?
NO, THE MAN SAID THAT HE
COULD DEFINITELY USE ME...
AND THAT I WAS PERFECT.
AND YOU KNOW, THAT
DIRECTOR SAID I WAS DELICIOUS.
[ Laughing ] YOU KNOW, I
THINK THAT DIRECTOR IS...
SAY, ROLLO, COME
HERE, MAN. WHAT?
WHAT KIND OF MOVIE CAN THIS
BE IF THEY'RE GONNA USE HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN. MAYBE THEY JUST
GONNA USE HIM FOR THE CROWD SCENE.
AH. ALL RIGHT,
GENTLEMEN. DON, LET'S GO.
YES. NOW, GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU
KINDLY UNDRESS DOWN TO YOUR SHORTS?
OH, YEAH, SURE. OH, SURE. OKAY.
DID YOU SAY FOR US
TO GET UNDRESSED?
MAYBE IT'S JUST FOR OUR
COSTUMES, RIGHT, JACK?
I'M SORRY. YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN SEEN THE SCRIPT YET.
IT'S BASICALLY SKELETAL. WE
DO A LOT OF IMPROVISATIONS.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK
AT THE SCRIPT YOURSELF?
[ Lamont ] OH, YEAH,
THAT'S... THAT'S... SPIFFY.
SAY, WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS?
AIN'T NOBODY GOT NO CLOTHES ON.
- NOW YOU'RE GETTIN' IT.
- I AIN'T GETTIN' NOTHIN'
BUT THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
YEAH, COME ON, ROLLO. YEAH.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US
THIS WAS GONNA BE A NUDIE?
I AIN'T GONNA BE IN NO
NAKED MOVIE. I AIN'T NO NUDIE.
YOU'RE ALREADY HERE.
WHAT DO YOU GOT TO LOSE?
YOU GONNA LOSE ABOUT 19 OF
YOUR TEETH IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!
COME ON. COME ON,
POP. FORGET IT, MAN.
- JUST FORGET IT.
- HOLD ON! DON'T ANYBODY MOVE!
YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!
WAIT A MINUTE, OFFICER.
WHAT'S THE CHARGE? THE CHARGE IS
TAKING PART IN A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE.
WHAT? COME ON! OUT! MOVE!
YOU TOO! LET'S GO!
OH!
OH, I FEEL A BIG ONE!
I'M COMIN' TO JOIN
YOU, ELIZABETH!
YOU HEAR THAT? BUT
SHUT YOUR EYES, HONEY!
IT'S A NUDIE RAP!
LET ME OUTTA HERE, YOU
HEAR THAT? LET ME OUTTA HERE!
HEY, LET ME OUTTA HERE!
A JAILBIRD.
A 65-YEAR-OLD JAILBIRD.
I'LL BET YOU THEY CUT
OFF MY SOCIAL SECURITY.
- HEY, RELAX, POP.
- HEY, MR. SANFORD,
YOU BETTER CALM DOWN.
DON'T LET THIS PLACE GET TO YOU.
PRETTY SOON YOU'LL BE STIR-CRAZY.
THEN THEY'LL THROW
YOU IN THE HOLE.
YOU MEAN LIKE THEY DID PAUL MUNI IN
I WAS A FUGITIVE FROM A CHAIN GANG?
- THAT'S IT.
- OH, I COULDN'T TAKE THAT.
HEY! LET ME OUTTA
HERE! I'M INNOCENT!
I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'!
LET ME OUTTA HERE!
YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL RALPH
ABERNATHY FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS!
LET ME OUTTA HERE!
POP, QUIET DOWN.
[ Fred ] LET ME
OUT! KNOCK IT OFF!
I WANNA GET OUTTA HERE. SAY,
OLD DUDE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHY DON'T YOU CANCEL ALL
THIS NOISE YOU'RE MAKING?
CAN'T EVEN HEAR
MY RADIO FOR YOU.
LISTEN, I-I-I'M A REAL SICK MAN.
I GOT TO GET OUT SO I CAN GET TO
MY MEDICINE, ELSE I'LL GO LIKE THIS.
I MEAN, LIKE THIS.
SO? "SO"? IS THAT ALL
YOU CAN SAY IS "SO"?
WHAT KIND OF BROTHER ARE YOU?
YOU MUST BE A WEST INDIAN.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? LET ME
OUTTA HERE SO I CAN MAKE MY ONE PHONE CALL.
"ONE PHONE CALL"? WHAT ONE
PHONE CALL IS THAT, OLD DUDE?
THE ONE PHONE CALL YOU GET
TO MAKE WHEN YOU GET ARRESTED.
IF YOU'D BEEN WATCHING PERRY MASON, YOU'D
KNOW WHAT PHONE CALL I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
YEAH, HE'S RIGHT. WE DO
GET TO MAKE ONE PHONE CALL.
OKAY, I'LL LET YOU MAKE YOUR
ONE PHONE CALL IF YOU BE QUIET.
GOOD. GOOD. [ Muttering ]
SAY, POP, LOOK. I'LL MAKE
THE PHONE CALL, OKAY?
SEE, I WAS JUST
GONNA CALL SPARITOBA.
YOU KNOW, BUBBA'S FRIEND
SPARITOBA? WHO'S SPARITOBA?
HE'S A PART-TIME LAWYER AND
DELIVERYMAN DOWN AT LEO'S BARBECUE.
SEE, TODAY IS FRIDAY, SO HE'LL BE OUT
THERE DELIVERING AT LEO'S BARBECUE TODAY.
NEVER MIND, POP. I
KNOW WHO TO CALL, OKAY?
UH, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN, JACK.
SAY, LISTEN HERE. HEY.
WH-WHERE'S THE MEN'S ROOM?
JUST TURN AROUND AND AIM
YOURSELF IN THAT DIRECTION.
THERE? THERE.
THAT'S IT?
YEAH. WHAT DID YOU THINK
IT WAS, A GOLDFISH BOWL?
WELL... IT'S ALL
OUT IN THE OPEN.
I AIN'T GONNA NEVER
BE ABLE TO USE THAT.
I HOPE YOU DON'T GET
TOO LONG A SENTENCE THEN.
SAY, LISTEN, GIMME A
CIGARETTE, WILL YOU?
OH, I AIN'T GOT ANY. I THOUGHT
YOU QUIT SMOKING ANYWAY.
I DID QUIT SMOKING, BUT WHEN I GET
UPSET, I GOTTA HAVE ME A CIGARETTE.
SAY, ANYBODY HERE
GOT A CIGARETTE?
[ Man ] OH, MR. SANFORD.
YEAH, WHO IS THAT?
OVER HERE, MR. SANFORD,
IN THE NEXT CELL.
WHAT YOU WANT? I THOUGHT I
HEARD YOU ASKING FOR A CIGARETTE,
AND I THOUGHT I'D OFFER YOU ONE.
I DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE YOUR
BRAND. ANY BRAND IS ALL RIGHT,
AS LONG AS IT AIN'T NONE OF
THAT ACAPULCO ARTICHOKE.
THIS COULD BE VERY DISCONCERTING
THE FIRST TIME AROUND.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED SOMEONE
TO HOLD YOUR HAND, SO TO SPEAK.
A MAN COULD GET LOCKED UP HERE
AWAY FROM LOVED ONES AND SWEETHEARTS.
IT COULD GET VERY
LONELY AFTER A FEW WEEKS.
OH, I'M SORRY.
HERE'S MY LIGHTER.
SAY, HERE... HERE'S YOUR
CIGARETTE AND YOUR LIGHTER.
WHAT HAPPENED, MAN?
EVERYTHING'S COOL.
I CALLED AUNT ESTHER.
SHE'S ON THE WAY OVER HERE.
ESTHER? YOU CALLED
AUNT ESTHER UP?
NOW EVERYBODY IN TOWN
IS GONNA KNOW ABOUT THIS!
IS AUNT ESTHER A
TALKER OR SOMETHING?
IS SHE A TALKER? HER MOUTH'S SO BIG, YOU
CAN PUT YOUR HEAD IN IT WITH YOUR HAT ON.
POP, WE NEED AUNT ESTHER.
NOW, SHE'S THE ONE
WITH THE HABEAS CORPUS.
YEAH, SHE GOT A
BIG ONE OF THEM TOO.
I SUPPOSE YOU DON'T
WANT ESTHER TO GET US OUT
OF HERE, HUH? YOU JUST
WANNA STAY IN HERE?
MAYBE, IF THEY GIVE ME A
CELL WITH A DECENT TOILET.
DINNER IS SERVED.
THIS IS DINNER?
THERE'S A FRIED BOLOGNA
SANDWICH ON TOAST, HOT,
WARM MILK, TOOTSIE ROLL POPS,
AND I'LL WARM THAT UP
FOR YOU IF YOU WANT ME TO.
NO? WELL, BON APPÉTIT,
AMIGOS. BON APPÉTIT.
WHY, YOU... [ Sighs ]
[ Fred ] I CAN'T EAT THIS HERE.
I CAN'T EAT IT. I'M GOIN'
ON A HUNGER STRIKE.
YOU HEAR THAT, CITY HALL?
I'M GOIN' ON A HUNGER STRIKE!
POP! WOULD YOU QUIET
DOWN? THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP.
I CAN'T EAT NO SANDWICHES.
SANDWICHES MAKE ME BURP.
HEY, EAT YOUR TOOTSIE
ROLL POP, POP. THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT A WAY TO
SPEND MY LAST DAYS,
SITTIN' BETWEEN TWO DUMMIES,
SUCKIN' ON A TOOTSIE ROLL POP.
WELL, HERE THEY ARE, MA'AM.
WINKIN', BLINKIN' AND NOD.
MAN, AUNT ESTHER,
ARE WE GLAD TO SEE YOU.
WELL, I'M SURE NOT GLAD TO
SEE YOU, AT LEAST NOT IN JAIL.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU
SHUT UP, ESTHER.
YOU JUST KEEP SUCKIN'
ON THAT SUCKER, SUCKER.
AND WHEN I PULL
YOUR CHAIN, YOU BARK.
OTHERWISE, DON'T
YOU SAY NOTHIN'.
LAMONT SANFORD,
I'M ASHAMED OF YOU.
IF YOUR MOTHER WAS ALIVE TO SEE YOU
RIGHT NOW, THIS WOULD BREAK HER HEART.
THIS WOULD KILL HER.
HEY, YOU OVER THERE.
AREN'T YOU RITA
LARSON'S BOY ROLLO?
- YES, MA'AM.
- JUST WAIT TILL RITA
HEARS ABOUT THIS.
IT'S GONNA BREAK HER HEART.
AUNT ESTHER, ARE YOU GONNA
HELP US GET OUTTA HERE?
THEY'RE CHECKIN'
IT OUT UPSTAIRS.
FRED SANFORD, I'M GLAD MY
SISTER ISN'T HERE TO SEE THIS...
AND SEE THE AWFUL STAIN
YOU PUT ON OUR FAMILY.
LISTEN, ESTHER, I DIDN'T
PUT NO STAIN ON YOUR FAMILY.
YOUR FAMILY WAS STAINED
WHEN I MET YOU-ALL.
- DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY!
- I'LL TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.
EVERY TIME A BABY WAS BORN,
THEY HAD THAT UGLY STAIN ON 'EM.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT UGLY STAIN.
EVEN AJAX COULDN'T DO
NOTHIN' WITH A STAIN LIKE THAT.
HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING
LIKE THAT ABOUT MY FAMILY!
WHY, YOU BEAN-EATIN'
BEAR HUGGER!
DON'T YOU CALL ME THAT! I'M
GONNA BEAT YOUR BRAINS IN!
DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT
MY FAMILY! [ Fred Shouting ]
WAIT A MINUTE, LADY.
JUST A MINUTE. PLEASE!
LADY, JUST A MINUTE.
PLEASE! PLEASE. WHEW!
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
FRED SANFORD, LAMONT
SANFORD AND ROLLO LARSON.
- YEAH, THAT'S US.
- YOU'RE THE MEN WHO WERE
BROUGHT IN HERE...
IN CONJUNCTION WITH A RAID ON A
PORNOGRAPHIC FILM FACTORY, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH, BUT IT WAS... WE
WERE FRAMED! WE'RE INNOCENT!
WAIT A MINUTE, POP.
DON'T SPOIL IT FOR US.
YEAH, SHUT YOUR
DOUBLE-BREASTED LIPS!
UH, LADY... YOU DIRTY OLD MAN!
GUILT IS WRITTEN ALL OVER
YOUR LECHEROUS FACE!
WILL YOU HOLD IT, PLEASE?
LADY... YOU SHUT YOUR BIG...
SHH, SHH. QUIET, QUIET.
SHH... LADY, HOLD IT! DON'T
YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP!
I'LL SHUT UP WHEN I GET READY!
YOU DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. WAIT
A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
THANK YOU. WE CAN GET THIS
THING ALL CLEARED UP RIGHT AWAY.
NOW, I'M SORRY IF YOUR DETENTION
HAS INCONVENIENCED YOU GENTLEMEN,
BUT WE HAD TO CHECK OUT YOUR
STORY, AND YOU'VE BEEN EXONERATED.
HEY, BEAUTIFUL! CAN WE GET
OUTTA HERE NOW, LIEUTENANT?
THAT'S RIGHT. OPEN UP
THE GATE AND LET 'EM GO.
WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD IT. WHAT?
- DON'T LET 'EM OUT YET.
- [ Together ] WHAT?
I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY TO 'EM.
CAN'T YOU SAY IT TO
'EM OUT ON THE STREET?
THESE HEATHENS AIN'T GONNA
STAND STILL TO LISTEN TO THIS.
ISAIAH, CHAPTER
42, VERSES 5 TO 7.
[ All Groan ] DON'T TELL ME...
[ Muttering ]
"THUS SAID GOD THE LORD,
"I THE LORD HAVE CALLED
YOU IN RIGHTEOUSNESS...
TO BRING OUT THE PRISONERS AND THEM THAT
SIT IN DARKNESS OUT OF THE PRISON HOUSE."
I DON'T HEAR NO AMEN IN THERE.
CAN I GET AN AMEN
FOR CHAPTER 42?
AMEN. AMEN. AMEN, ESTHER.
- LET US GET ON OUTTA HERE.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
LET ME HEAR SOMETHIN'
IF YOU WANNA GET OUT.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT
KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT THE BIBLE.
REMEMBER THIS: HE WHO
KEEP RUNNIN' THY LIPETH...
WILL GET THEIR LIPETH
SPLITETH WITH ONE OF THESE!
AND ONE OF THOSE!
WELL, IT'S BEEN A
LONG, HARD DAY.
I THINK I'M GONNA
TURN IN, POP. I...
YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU READING?
HUH? OH. I-I'M LOOKIN'
AT THE MOVIE SECTION.
YOU THINK THOSE PORNO
MOVIES AIN'T BIG THESE DAYS?
LISTEN. THEY ALL OVER
THE PLACE. LOOK AT THESE.
"NURSE'S NIGHT OUT.
FRANK, DARING AND BOLD."
AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
"SWEETS FROM SWEDEN.
NO ONE UNDER 40 ADMITTED."
AND HERE'S ANOTHER
ONE. "SEX ON THE HIGH SEAS.
THE STORY OF A MAN,
A WOMAN AND A FISH."
- THEY'RE DISGUSTIN',
AIN'T THEY?
- YEAH.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GETTIN'
UPTIGHT ABOUT THEM PICTURES.
THEY'VE BEEN CONDEMNED
IN A LOT OF PLACES.
THEY SHOULD BE. I'D BE THE
FIRST ONE TO CONDEMN 'EM.
DO WHAT YOU WANT
TO DO. I'M GOIN' TO BED.
YOU THINK I WON'T? YOU
BETCHA I'LL CALL SOMEBODY.
NURSE'S NIGHT OUT.
SWEETS FROM SWEDEN.
HIGH SEAS AND ALL THAT STUFF. WONDERED
WHAT HAPPENED TO OLD FAMILY MOVIES?
LIKE MICKEY ROONEY IN THEM ANDY
HARDY PICTURES, STUFF LIKE THAT.
NOBODY DON'T PLAY THAT
STUFF NO MORE. UH, HELLO.
THIS THE PARADISE THEATER?
YEAH. WELL, LISTEN. YOU SHOWIN' A PICTURE
DOWN THERE CALLED NURSE'S NIGHT OUT?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING SHOWING THAT
KIND OF MOVIE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD THEATER?
WHAT? IT SHOWS WHAT?
THEY ARE?
THEY DO?
WELL, LISTEN, WH-WHAT TIME THE
NEXT ONE... THE NEXT ONE START?
YEAH. OH, OKAY.
UH... WELL, I GOTTA GO DOWN AND
SEE 'EM BEFORE I CAN CONDEMN 'EM.
[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.