Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 22 - Pot Luck - full transcript

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU? CAN'T YOU DRIVE YET?

YOU ALMOST WRECKED
MY WASHING MACHINE.

GET THEM PLANTS THERE
AND BRING 'EM IN THE HOUSE.

HEY, POP, WHERE'D
YOU GET THESE PLANTS?

I BOUGHT 'EM OFF A GUY THAT
WAS GOIN' OUT OF BUSINESS.

YOU LIKE 'EM? NOT PARTICULARLY.

SEE, NOW PEOPLE CAN'T SAY,
"SANFORD AND SON AIN'T GOT A POT."

NOW WE GOT... 'CAUSE
NOW WE GOT TWO OF 'EM.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GOING
INTO THE FLOWER-RAISING BUSINESS,

BECAUSE THE ONLY THING THAT'LL
GROW AROUND HERE IS POISON IVY.

SEE? THAT SHOW YOU
HOW MUCH YOU KNOW.



GO AHEAD. TOUCH
THAT PLANT. TOUCH IT.

WHY, IS IT POISON IVY?

NO, DUMMY, IT'S PLASTIC.

THE GUY THAT SOLD IT TO ME SAID THAT IT'D
PICK UP THE SMELL OF WHATEVER'S AROUND.

WELL, IF IT PICKS UP THE SMELL OF
THIS PLACE, IT'S GONNA BE SOME FLOWER.

WELL, I'M GONNA KEEP
'EM IN THE KITCHEN.

SEE, I THINK YOU'D RATHER HAVE A
FLOWER THAT SMELLED LIKE A PORK CHOP...

THAN A CHRYSAN... CHRYS...
UH... CHRYS... [ Muttering ]

YOU KNOW, THAT BIG FLOWER
THEY HAVE AT THE FOOTBALL GAME.

COME ON.

SO... SO THAT'S WHAT
YOU DID ALL DAY, HUH?

YOU BOUGHT TWO PLASTIC PLANTS.

NO, THAT'S NOT ALL I DID.

I DID SOME COORDINATIN'. THEN I
DEFROSTED THE REFRIGERATOR.



THEN I KILLED ALL THE
FLIES IN THE KITCHEN.

A-AND WHAT DID YOU
DO THAT WAS SO GREAT?

WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU ASKED ME, POP,

BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT SEPARATES THE LITTLE
BUSINESSMAN FROM THE BIG BUSINESSMAN,

THE LAMB FROM THE WOLF
AND THE COW FROM THE BULL.

OKAY. THEN LET'S CUT
OUT THE BULL AND TELL ME.

ALL RIGHT. WHILE YOU WAS HERE
COORDINATIN' AND KILLIN' FLIES,

I WENT OUT THERE AND
BOUGHT, FOR A MEASLY 20 BUCKS,

THE MOST FANTASTIC PIECE OF
CABINETMAKING EVER CAME INTO THIS YARD.

YOU DID? WELL, WHERE IS
IT? JUST COME WITH ME, POP.

DON'T PUSH ON ME. OKAY. NO, I
JUST WANT YOU TO COME THIS WAY.

I BE LOOKIN' GOOD.

NOW, SIT OVER HERE,
POP, AND CLOSE YOUR EYES.

WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF
JOKE? NO, IT'S NOT NO JOKE.

JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES.
OKAY, NOW KEEP 'EM CLOSED.

I'M A-KEEPIN' 'EM CLOSED.

DON'T OPEN 'EM. I
AIN'T GONNA OPEN 'EM.

OKAY, POP. NOW YOU CAN LOOK.

HUH? NOT BAD.

NOT BAD AT ALL. ONLY ONE THING.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A COMMODE.

A WHO?

A COMMODE. YOU DO KNOW
WHAT A COMMODE IS, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, THAT'S A
JAPANESE BATHROBE.

THAT'S KIMONO. THIS IS A COMMODE,
AND IT'S FROM THE EARLY 1800s, POP.

I CHECKED IT OUT. AND
YOU PAID 20 BUCKS FOR IT?

YEAH, THAT PLUS A COUPLE OF BALLOONS FOR
THIS LADY'S KIDS THAT I BOUGHT IT OFF OF.

WHITE WOMAN? YEAH.

UGLY? YEAH.

NATURALLY.

LOOK, SEE, AND THEY TRY
TO MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL...

OUT OF FURNITURE THAT'S
OVER A HUNDRED YEARS OLD.

THAT'S THE ONLY KIND OF STUFF
WE GOT AROUND HERE. YEAH.

THIS CHICK DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT
WAS. SHE THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIBLE.

SHE DIDN'T WANT IT
'CAUSE SHE SAID IT DIDN'T

FIT IN WITH THE REST
OF HER FURNITURE.

- HOW'D YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?
- WELL, I STOPPED OFF
AT THIS ANTIQUE SHOP,

AND THE GUY GAVE ME
ALL THE INFORMATION ON IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE
COULD GET FOR THIS AT AN

AUCTION? BETWEEN THREE
AND FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.

YOU KIDDIN' ME. NO,
I'M NOT. JUST LOOK AT IT.

NOW, LOOK AT THAT
QUALITY. LOOK AT THAT FINISH.

LOOK UNDERNEATH WHERE
IS SAYS, "MADE IN JAPAN."

WOULD YOU STOP IT. NOW, I DESCRIBED
THIS TO THE GUY AT THE ANTIQUE SHOP.

HE SAID THAT IT SOUNDED
LIKE REAL ENGLISH REGENCY.

SO, IT'S A NICE PIECE OF
FURNITURE, BUT WHAT'S IT FOR?

"WHAT'S IT FOR"? I ALREADY
TOLD YOU. IT'S A COMMODE.

HERE, LOOK, POP.
YOU READY? MM-HMM.

IT... IT'S A CHAMBER POT.

OF COURSE IT'S A CHAMBER POT.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT A
COMMODE TO HAVE IN IT, A DERBY?

THAT'S THE WHOLE
POINT, POP. THIS WAS AN

IMPORTANT PART OF THE
FURNISHINGS BACK THEN.

IT WAS THE ONLY SANITATION
SYSTEM THAT THEY HAD.

BUT... AIN'T NO CHAIN.

OF COURSE THERE'S NO CHAIN.
THAT WASN'T INVENTED YET.

THE MODERN TOILET DIDN'T COME
ON THE SCENE UNTIL MUCH LATER.

NOW, YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF, POP,
THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE A TOILET UNTIL 1935.

NO, NO, 1934.

I BOUGHT ONE TO CELEBRATE
GETTIN' A JOB ON THE W.P.A.

WELL, BACK IN THE
1800s... IN THE EARLY 1800s...

THIS IS ALL ANYBODY HAD.

EVERYBODY USED THESE, EVEN
ROYALTY. KINGS AND QUEENS.

THEY DID? SURE.

YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THEM TO HAVE A LITTLE
HOUSE WITH A HALF MOON ON THE DOOR...

IN THE BACK OF BUCKINGHAM
PALACE, DID YOU?

NO, BUT WHERE DID THEY KEEP 'EM?

WELL, WHEREVER THEY NEEDED
'EM. ON THE LANDING. IN THE BEDROOM.

SOMETIMES WHEN
THEY HAD A BANQUET,

THEY PUT IT BEHIND A
SCREEN IN THE DINING ROOM.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

THAT'S WHAT THE GUY AT
THE ANTIQUE SHOP TOLD ME.

HE SAID THAT THEY WASN'T SO HUNG UP
ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS THE WAY WE ARE NOW.

IF A GUY GOT CAUGHT
SHORT DURING A MEAL,

HE'D RUN BEHIND THAT
SCREEN, AND ZIP, HE'D BE

BACK OUT THERE IN TIME
FOR THE NEXT COURSE.

HE WOULDN'T EVEN MISS
NONE OF THE CONVERSATION.

THAT'S DISGUSTING. I MEAN,
THAT'S REALLY DISGUSTING.

IT IS NOT, POP. THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE
YOU'RE JUDGING IT BY TODAY'S STANDARDS.

THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS BACK THEN.

I DON'T CARE HOW
IT WAS BACK THEN.

SUPPERTIME IS SUPPERTIME,

AND WHEN IT'S SOMETHIN' ELSE
TIME, IT'S SOMETHIN' ELSE TIME.

WELL, THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS,
AND THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE TOO.

LOOK HERE ON THE SIDE.
YOU SEE THAT ON THE SIDE?

THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY
THIS IS SO VALUABLE. WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, THAT'S, UH, THAT'S THE
PRINCE OF WALES'S FEATHERS.

HMM. SEE? SEE,
THIS IS HIS CREST.

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THIS
DIDN'T BELONG TO THE PRINCE HIMSELF.

YOU ARE LOOKING AT HISTORY.

I AM LOOKIN' AT A TOILET.

WELL, ANYWAY, I'M GONNA TAKE IT INTO
ONE OF THEM FANCY ANTIQUE SHOPS...

OVER IN BEVERLY HILLS.

- THEY GONNA FLIP
WHEN THEY SEE THIS.
- YOU SAY YOU CAN GET...

THREE OR FOUR
HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR IT?

AT LEAST. IF WE COULD GET OUR HANDS
ON MORE STUFF LIKE THIS, WE COULD RETIRE.

NOW, SEE, LAMONT. THAT'S
THE THING THAT BOTHERS ME.

IF THIS THING IS WORTH
THAT MUCH MONEY,

WHY DID YOU ONLY GIVE THE WOMAN $20,
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AN UGLY WHITE WOMAN?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT HOW
SANFORD AND SON'S...

GOT A REPUTATION
FOR PAYIN' A FAIR PRICE.

THAT'S HOW WE GOT A
GOOD NAME IN THIS BUSINESS.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY'RE SELLING. I
DIDN'T DO NOTHIN' WRONG.

WASN'T IT YOU THAT TOLD ME TO DO UNTO
OTHERS BEFORE THEY CAN DO IT UNTO YOU?

WELL, IT'S JUST SOMETHIN'
THAT IS NOT RIGHT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
THIS AIN'T LIKE YOU, MAN.

YOU'LL FEEL BETTER TOMORROW
MORNING ONCE YOU SLEEP ON IT.

I AIN'T GONNA SLEEP ON IT.

I AIN'T GONNA FEEL
BETTER 'CAUSE I AIN'T

GONNA SLEEP ON IT AND
I AIN'T GONNA SIT ON IT.

I'M GONNA FIX ME
SOMETHING TO EAT. [ Knocking ]

I AIN'T IN NO COMMODE BUSINESS.
I'M IN THE JUNK BUSINESS. [ Muttering ]

UH, MR., UH, SANFORD?

YEAH. UH, MR. SANFORD, YOU
WERE AT MY HOUSE THIS MORNING...

AND BOUGHT A REGENCY
COMMODE FROM MY WIFE.

IS THAT RIGHT? NO, I WAS THE ONE THAT
WAS AT YOUR HOUSE. WHAT ABOUT IT?

YOU PAID HER $20
FOR IT, DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, I BOUGHT SOMETHING THAT
MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE AN ANTIQUE. SO?

- WELL... WELL, IT IS.
- WELL, WE DON'T
KNOW THAT, DO WE?

- IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
- YES, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG.

I-I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS IT
WITH YOU. MAY I COME IN?

I KNEW IT. I KNEW
IT. YEAH, COME ON IN.

THANK YOU.

THERE IT IS! OH, THANK
GOODNESS YOU DIDN'T SELL IT!

THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE. MY WIFE
SHOULDN'T HAVE SOLD YOU THIS PIECE.

YOU SEE, SHE DIDN'T
KNOW THE VALUE OF IT.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.
THAT'S NOT MY FAULT, MAN.

- SHE AGREED TO THE PRICE.
- YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HER!

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

WELL, JUST WHAT IS IT YOU
WANT, MR., UH... OSBORNE.

YOU'RE AN ANTIQUE DEALER. AT
LEAST THAT'S WHAT YOUR CARD SAYS.

YOU MUST HAVE KNOWN IT
WAS WORTH MORE THAN $20.

WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT. I SWEAR.
WE THOUGHT IT WAS A SPITTOON.

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT GIVE
THE ANTIQUE BUSINESS A BAD NAME.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

YOU KNEW I KNEW IT
WHEN I TOLD YOU I KNEW IT.

IT'S UNDERHANDED
DEALING, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

I MEAN, TALKING INNOCENT HOUSEWIVES
OUT OF PARTING WITH THEIR ANTIQUES...

AND THEN PAYING THEM
PRACTICALLY NOTHING FOR IT.

IT'S... IT'S UNDERHANDED.
YES, IT'S UNDERHANDED.

YOUR WIFE COULDN'T WAIT
TO GET THIS OUT OF THE HOUSE.

BECAUSE YOU
TALKED HER OUT OF IT.

NOW, THAT'S VERY
UNFAIR. VERY UNFAIR.

THAT'S VERY UNFAIR. VERY UNFAIR.

WOULD YOU STOP IT.

DON'T GO ACCUSING ME OF
DOING NOTHIN' UNDERHANDED.

TELL YOUR WIFE TO BE
MORE CAREFUL IN THE FUTURE.

IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

BECAUSE IF IT IS, MR. SANFORD,
YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE A CAD.

YEAH, YOU'RE BEHAVING LIKE A...

WHAT'S THAT YOU CALLED MY SON?

A CAD. YEAH.

YOU'RE BEHAVIN' LIKE ONE
OF THEM, AND A DUMMY TOO.

UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. OSBORNE.

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO HIM FOR
A MINUTE, IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

DON'T BE PUSHIN' ME. GO INSIDE
THERE. THIS IS MY BUSINESS DEAL.

I'M THE ONE THAT BROUGHT
THE THING IN THE HOUSE.

[ Fred Protests, Indistinct ]

[ Loud Arguing, Indistinct ]

IS THERE SOMETHING ELSE THAT YOU
WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT, MR. OSBORNE?

ONLY THIS. I-I-I'VE GOT
TO HAVE THAT PIECE BACK.

I'D BE HAPPY TO
SELL IT BACK TO YOU.

OH, GOOD. NOW, UH, I'LL EVEN OFFER
YOU A LITTLE, UH, PROFIT ON THE DEAL.

UH, HOW ABOUT, UH, $30?

WE'LL TAKE IT. NO, IT'S
WORTH MORE THAN THAT.

WELL, YOU'RE MAKING $10 ON...
WELL, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. UH, $50.

WE'LL TAKE IT. YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GO A LOT HIGHER THAN THAT.

- UH, 75?
- LAMONT, HE'S OFFERING US
$75 FOR A TOILET!

THIS...

THIS TOILET HAPPENED TO BELONG TO THE
PRINCE OF WALES, DIDN'T IT, MR. OSBORNE?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT ME OVER A BARREL.

I'LL, UH... I'LL GIVE
YOU $200 FOR IT.

LAMONT! TWO HUNDRED!

WOULD YOU STOP IT! IT'S WORTH A
LOT MORE THAN THAT, AND HE KNOWS IT.

IF YOU PUT IT UP FOR AUCTION,
YOU'D HAVE TO PAY A COMMISSION...

AND THEN TAKE
WHATEVER PRICE CAME IN.

NO, 200 IS VERY FAIR. VERY FAIR.

TWO HUNDRED IS
VERY FAIR. VERY FAIR.

ALL RIGHT.

TO SHOW YOU I'M NOT A HARD
BUSINESSMAN, I'LL TAKE IT.

MAY I WRITE YOU A CHECK? YEAH. PUT YOUR
ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER ON THE BACK.

NOT EXACTLY A BAD PROFIT
FOR A DAY'S WORK, IS IT?

HEY, MAN, THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES.

I'LL HAVE SOMEONE COME
AND PICK IT UP IN THE MORNING.

NOW, ONE THING
MORE, MR. SANFORD.

IF I HEAR ABOUT YOU DOING
SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN,

I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO
THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU.

I'M NOT A MEMBER.

WELL... I KNOW SOMEBODY ELSE
WHO'D BE INTERESTED IN ALL OF THIS.

IT'S RALPH NADER.

IS HE IN ANTIQUE TOILETS?

AH, $200.

YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

ARE YOU GONNA START THAT AGAIN?

YES, I'M GONNA START THAT AGAIN,
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALK... IF I WANTED
TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM...

I COULD HAVE CHARGED
HIM TWICE AS MUCH.

YOU HEARD WHAT THE
MAN SAID. HE WOULD HAVE

BEEN WILLING TO PAY
ANYTHING TO GET THAT BACK.

TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.

TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR A
TOILET THAT AIN'T GOT NO CHAINS!

OKAY, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH ME.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE STILL MAD ABOUT THAT
COMMODE BUSINESS. JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T. I HATE TO SEE YOU
TAKING ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE.

THIS IS SANFORD AND SON,
NOT SHAKEDOWN AND SON.

HO-HO-HO.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, "HO-HO-HO"?

WELL, I BOUGHT SOMETHING FOR
ABOUT $20, AND I SOLD IT FOR 200.

NOW, THAT'S A THOUSAND
PERCENT PROFIT, RIGHT? RIGHT.

YOU HAD AN OLD SUIT LAYIN' AROUND
HERE THAT YOU PAID TWO DOLLARS FOR,

AND YOU SOLD IT TO THAT MEXICAN
GUY DOWN THE STREET FOR 20.

NOW, THAT'S A THOUSAND
PERCENT PROFIT. SO, HO-HO-HO.

WELL, THAT WAS DIFFERENT.

SEE, EVERYBODY WAS
SATISFIED WITH MY DEAL.

SEE, THAT MEXICAN FELLA,
HE WAS HAPPY AS A CLAM,

'CAUSE HE AIN'T NEVER HAD
A THREE-PIECE SUIT BEFORE.

BUT YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM THAT
KNICKERS WAS OUT OF STYLE, DID YOU?

WELL, KNICKERS
AIN'T OUT OF STYLE.

I SAW A PICTURE IN THE
PAPER THE OTHER DAY.

YOU KNOW THE HEAD MAN IN
YUGOSLAVIA? WHAT'S HIS NAME? TOTO?

TITO. TOTO WAS THE
DOG IN THE WIZARD OF OZ.

WELL, I GET 'EM MIXED UP.

ANYWAY, HE HAD ON SOME KNICKERS, AND
HE WAS OUT HUNTIN', AND HE LOOKED GREAT.

HUNTIN', YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T WEAR KNICKERS
TO APPLY FOR A JOB IN A RESTAURANT.

[ Knocking ] THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT,
POP. YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF SOMEBODY.

AT LEAST I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF
SOME PEOPLE THAT COULD AFFORD IT.

IT JUST AIN'T RIGHT. IT AIN'T RIGHT,
AND YOU AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT RIGHT.

'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO IT,
THAT'S WHY. YOU JUST A CAD.

YES? GOOD AFTERNOON.
ARE YOU OPEN?

YEAH, WE OPEN TO THE
PUBLIC 24 HOURS A DAY.

COME ON IN. OH, SPLENDID.
MY NAME IS BONNET.

EMILE BONNET. ANTIQUES.

"BEVERLY HILLS, NEW
YORK, ROME, MILAN."

I SHIP TO ITALY TWICE A YEAR.

YOU KNOW, AT ONE TIME WE WERE
BUYING EVERYTHING THEY HAD TO SELL.

NOW IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

- COSI A LA VITA, NO?
- YEAH, YOU COULD SAY THAT AGAIN.

IN ANY CASE, I LIKE TO EXPLORE
IN THE STRANGEST PLACES,

AND THIS IS CERTAINLY
A STRANGE PLACE.

I SAY, THAT'S RATHER BIZARRE.

OH, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S MY FATHER.

NO, NO, NO, NO. I WAS REFERRING
TO THE PIECE BEHIND HIM.

[ Bonnet Laughs ]
[ Mocking Laugh ]

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO LAUGH AT
YOU, BUT YOUR SON DID MAKE A FUNNY.

YEAH. HE'S A REGULAR JERK BENNY.

WELL, NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT WE
HAVE HERE THAT'S INTERESTING.

OH, THIS GLASS
CABINET. IS IT PERIOD?

YEAH, IT'S THE ONLY GLASS
CABINET WE GOT, PERIOD.

YOU HAVE A NICE SENSE
OF HUMOR TOO, DON'T YOU?

YEAH, I GET OFF A GOOD
ONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.

SAY, LISTEN, YOU ITALIAN?
OH, I'M A LITTLE OF EVERYTHING.

ITALIAN, GREEK, TURKISH.
EVEN SYRIAN AND DUTCH.

YOU MUST'VE HAD TO TAKE A LOT
OF SHOTS TO GET IN THIS COUNTRY.

OH, YES, INDEED. YEAH,
WELL, LOOK AROUND.

WE GOT A LOT OF NICE STUFF HERE.

SAY, YOU EVER BEEN
TO, UH, SWITZERLAND?

ON OCCASION. WELL, MAYBE
YOU COULD USE THIS SLED.

UH, NO, NO, I THINK NOT.

- WHAT ABOUT AFRICA? YOU EVER BEEN THERE?
- I TRAVEL ALL OVER THE WORLD.

OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE,

YOU PROBABLY COULD USE THIS
SPEAR WHEN YOU GET TO AFRICA.

IF NOT, YOU COULD
USE IT IN NEW YORK CITY.

- ON THE SUBWAY.
- UH, NOW, THEN...

- AT NIGHT.
- UH, THE POINT IS...

- WHEN YOU BY YOURSELF.
- NO, THANK YOU. I REALLY DON'T...

GOOD HEAVENS.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

EXQUISITE. A
MAGNIFICENT HEPPLEWHITE.

IS IT FOR SALE? YES. NO.

YES, IT IS. THIS IS THE FINEST
EXAMPLE OF A REGENCY COMMODE...

THAT I'VE EVER SEEN.

[ Gasps ]

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THE
PRINCE OF WALES FEATHERS.

DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT THIS MUST MEAN?

UNDOUBTEDLY THIS WAS USED BY THE
PRINCE HIMSELF. FANTASTIC. I'LL TAKE IT.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. POP!

I'LL GIVE YOU $900
FOR IT. IT'S BEEN SOLD!

DID YOU SAY $900? NINE HUNDRED. I
ALREADY HAVE A CUSTOMER FOR IT.

SOPHIA LOREN WILL
BUY THIS SIGHT UNSEEN.

IT'S ALREADY SOLD! IT
IS! IT IS! IT IS NOT! IT ISN'T!

GENTLEMEN,
GENTLEMEN. WHICH IS IT?

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A
MOMENT? WE WANT TO TALK FOR A MINUTE.

YES. YES, OF COURSE.
JUST EXCUSE US. LET'S GO.

NOW, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME
THIS POT AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS,

I'M GONNA LOCK YOU
UPSTAIRS IN YOUR ROOM.

YOU CAN'T SELL THAT POT. IT'S AGAINST
THE RULES! I MAKE MY OWN RULES.

IT'S CROOKED, AND I DON'T WANT NO
PART OF IT. GOOD. THEN STAY OUT OF IT.

GOOD. I AIN'T GONNA
SAY NO MORE. FINE!

DON'T ASK ME NO MORE. PERFECT.

THAT TOILET IS GONNA
PUT US IN THE TOILET.

WOULD YOU JUST STAY OUT OF
THIS AND LET ME HANDLE IT, PLEASE?

YOU AIN'T GOT NO SENSE.

I'M SORRY, MR. BONNET. IT WAS JUST A
LITTLE BUSINESS CONFERENCE IN THERE.

WELL, UH, IF YOU'VE ALREADY
SOLD THE PIECE, LET'S FORGET IT.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO GET
INVOLVED IN ANYTHING UNETHICAL.

OH, NO, NO, NO. IT WAS JUST
A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

IT CAN ALL BE STRAIGHTENED
OUT WITH THE STROKE OF A PEN.

YEAH, A FEDERAL PEN.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?
NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.

NOW, YOU DID SAY
$900, DIDN'T YOU?

RIGHT. I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT I'LL DO.

I'LL CALL BACK IN TWO DAYS
TO MAKE SURE IT'S FOR SALE.

THAT'S FINE, BUT DON'T
WORRY ABOUT A THING.

THE GUY THAT OWNS
THIS DOESN'T LIKE IT,

HIS WIFE DOESN'T
WANT IT IN THE HOUSE.

I'LL BUY IT BACK FROM HIM
AND OFFER HIM A LITTLE PROFIT.

DO YOU THINK HE'LL GO
FOR IT? I'M SURE HE WILL.

YOU CAN JUST TELL SOPHIA LOREN
THAT THIS POT IS AS GOOD AS HERS.

WHY, IT'LL BE GREAT FOR
MAKIN' PASTA IN. [ Laughing ]

WELL, IF YOU CAN ESTABLISH SOLE
TITLE TO THE PIECE, WE HAVE A DEAL.

AND PLEASE TRY. IF NECESSARY, I
MIGHT EVEN GO HIGHER THAN 900.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
I'LL GET IT. I HOPE SO. GOOD DAY.

- BUON GIORNO, MR. SANFORD.
- YEAH, BUM JOURNEY TO YOU TOO.

[ Bonnet ] YES.

DON'T SAY A WORD. NOT ONE WORD.

I WON'T SAY ONE WORD.
I'LL SPELL IT FOR YOU.

D-U-M-M-Y PERIOD.

UH, HELLO. CAN I SPEAK TO A
MR. EMILE BONNET, PLEASE?

WHAT? WELL, ISN'T THIS 654-1654?

YEAH, WELL, SEE, MR. BONNET WAS
AT MY PLACE ABOUT THREE DAYS AGO,

AND HE WAS INQUIRING ABOUT A
COMMODE, AND I WAS CALLING HIM BACK...

TO TELL HIM THAT I
HAVE IT READY FOR HIM.

THERE'S NO MR. BONNET THERE?

WELL, WHO AM I CALLING?
OH, OKAY. THANK YOU.

HEY, POP, YOU KNOW THAT PHONE NUMBER
THAT BONNET GAVE ME THREE DAYS AGO?

IT WAS TO A McDONALD'S
HAMBURGER PLACE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IT, AND AFTER I GOT

OSBORNE TO SELL IT
BACK TO ME FOR 300 BUCKS.

SO, IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE
INTO THIS POT HERE FOR $320.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT? I STILL GOT
OSBORNE'S CHECK FOR $200 IN THE BANK.

SO THIS ONLY COST ME 120, AND
BONNET'S OFFERED ME 900 FOR IT.

SO I'M STILL IN THE CLEAR.

BUT THE QUESTION IS,
WHERE IS MR. BONNET?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
CALL McDONALD'S IN ROME?

I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST...
YOU'RE JUST DUMB, SON.

SEE, YOU'VE BEEN CONNED.

YOU'VE BEEN CONNED,
ROBBED AND RIPPED OFF.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
- SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN, 'CAUSE THIS
IS GONNA TAKE SOME TIME.

SEE, NOW, THESE TWO GUYS
WERE WORKIN' TOGETHER.

THE FIRST GUY COMES IN HERE COMPLAINING
THAT YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIS WIFE.

AND HE BUYS A COMMODE OFF
YOU AND EVEN GIVES YOU A PROFIT.

NOW YOU KNOW IT'S VALUABLE.

SO THEN HERE COMES THE
SECOND GUY, THE ANTIQUE DEALER,

AND HE TELLS YOU IF
YOU CAN BUY IT BACK OFF

THE OTHER GUY, THEN
HE'LL BUY IT FROM YOU.

SO, YOU GIVE THE FIRST GUY, OSBORNE,
A CHECK FOR $300 MADE OUT TO CASH.

HE RUSHES TO THE BANK TO CASH IT, AND
YOU DON'T SEE NEITHER OF THESE GUYS AGAIN.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, DO YOU?

YEAH, I BELIEVE YOU, EXCEPT
FOR TWO THINGS. WHAT?

(A) I ALREADY PUT THE
CHECK FOR $200 IN THE BANK,

AND (B) I STILL GOT THE
VALUABLE COMMODE.

AND (C) I CALLED THE BANK THIS
MORNING, AND THE CHECK IS STILL BOUNCING,

AND (D)... (D) I HAD A GUY COME IN HERE
THIS MORNING AND APPRAISE THIS COMMODE.

- AND?
- THEY'RE WORTH
20 BUCKS EACH.

HE SAID HE HAD APPRAISED
14 OF THEM THIS WEEK.

THOSE TWO GUYS HAD WORKED
THIS WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

SON, YOU'VE BEEN HAD BAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WELL, IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT. IF YOU HADN'T
BEEN GREEDY, THEY COULDN'T WORK THE DEAL.

YOU SEE, SON, ALWAYS
REMEMBER WHAT THE BIBLE SAID.

HE THAT LIVETH BY THE
SWORD SHALL BE STUCKETH.

HELLO, SON, I GOT
YOUR LUNCH READY.

I GOT SOME TUNA FISH AND MAYONNAISE,
AND IT'S NICE AND WET, THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

HEY, THAT'S GOOD, POP.

I HAPPENED TO SEE THAT YOU HAD THE
COMMODE OUT WITH A "FOR SALE" SIGN ON IT.

- HOW MUCH YOU THINK
YOU'RE GONNA GET FOR IT?
- WELL, I PAID 20.

SO I'LL TRY FOR 30.

I COULD ASK FOR 40
AND PROBABLY GET 50,

BUT I SHOULD SAY 60
AND GET AROUND 70.

BUT I'M PRETTY
SURE I CAN GET 80.

NOW WHO'S TAKING ADVANTAGE?

NO, BUT I PUT A LOT
OF WORK INTO IT.

I WAXED IT, POLISHED IT AND TIGHTENED
ALL THE KNOBS ON THE DRAWERS.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING THAT I
NOTICED, POP. THE POT IS MISSING.

YOU GONNA GET $80 FOR SOMETHING THAT
DON'T EVEN HAVE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.

BUT IT'S NOT. SEE, I PUT A LOT OF
WORK INTO IT, AND I'LL SHOW YOU.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT EXPENSIVE.
SIT DOWN AND CLOSE YOUR EYES.

SIT ON DOWN AND CLOSE
YOUR EYES. IS THIS SOME JOKE?

IT'S NO JOKE. YOU DID IT TO
ME, AND I'M GONNA DO IT TO YOU.

SIT DOWN, AND DON'T PEEK.

DON'T PEEK.

YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES.

SEE? I BET THE PRINCE OF
WALES WOULD'VE LIKED THIS.

IT'D BE LIKE GOING IN THE WOODS.

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.