Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Infernal Triangle - full transcript

JERRY WEST IS DRIBBLING DOWN THE COURT.
HE LOOKS FOR THE BIG MAN, CHAMBERLAIN.

[ Laughing ] HE LOOKS FOR CHAMBERLAIN.
HE PASSES TO CHAMBERLAIN.

CHAMBERLAIN GIVES IT TO
HAP HAIRSTON. HAP FAKES.

YEAH. OKAY, YOU THINK
YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG, JULIO, BUT
BASKETBALL HAPPENS TO BE MY PEOPLE'S GAME.

YOUR PEOPLE'S GAME?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

ALL THE GREAT BASKETBALL
PLAYERS, THEY BLACK.

THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY
GOT STYLE, AND FLAIR.

AND THEY COOL.

WE GOT SOME PUERTO RICANS
WHO'RE PRETTY COOL TOO. WHO?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHO? YOU
NEVER HEARD OF ORLANDO CEPADA?



HEY, MAN, HE'S A
BASEBALL PLAYER.

I KNOW THAT, MAN. BUT IT'S
HARDER. IT'S A SMALLER BALL.

OHH. THAT'S RIGHT, MAN.

HEY, YOU GUYS. HEY.

CUT OUT THE BALL PLAYING, WILL
YOU, BEFORE YOU BREAK SOMETHING?

HEY.

DIDN'T YOU GUYS HEAR ME
SAY CUT OUT THE BALL PLAYING?

I'M SORRY YOU PUT THAT
OL' DUMB HOOP UP ANYWAY.

MAN, WHAT ARE WE HURTING?

YOU'RE RAISING UP A
LOT OF DUST, AND IT'S

SETTLIN' ON MY JUNK AND
GIVING IT THAT CHEAP LOOK.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YES, I'M SERIOUS. HEY, LISTEN, WHY
DON'T YOU GO DO SOME WORK, "HOLIO"?

THE NAME IS JULIO,
MR. "STANFORD."



IT'S SANFORD, JULIO. OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU DO SOME WORK IN
YOUR YARD? CLEAN YOUR YARD UP.

GO TAKE A BATH.
GO MILK YOUR GOAT.

I DID ALL THAT THIS MORNING.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
BACK TO PUERTO RICO?

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

MR. SANFORD, I'M GONNA TELL YOU FOR
THE LAST TIME, I COME FROM NEW YORK CITY.

AND I CAN LIVE IN ANY ONE
OF THE 50 STATES THAT I WANT.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY
ALASKA? THAT'S A STATE.

POP, JULIO IS OUR
NEIGHBOR, AND HE'S HERE

TO STAY. WHY DON'T YOU
LEARN TO ACCEPT THAT?

'CAUSE I HAVE ARTHRITIS AND I'M
HOPING THAT WILL GO AWAY TOO.

I'M SORRY, JULIO. I GOTTA
APOLOGIZE FOR MY FATHER.

MAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. I THINK I'M
BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR FATHER.

HE IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE
THAT ALWAYS LIKES TO COMPLAIN.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

EVERYTHING GIVES HIM A PAIN.

NO, NOT EVERYTHING. JUST YOU.

POP? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE.

MAN, IT'S OKAY. HERE
COMES THAT KILLER AGAIN.

HOLD THAT KILLER.

[ Julio Speaking Spanish ]

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

WHY DON'T YOU KEEP YOUR
GOAT IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD?

I'M SORRY, MR. SANFORD. HE GETS
LOOSE. HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME.

BUT I DON'T WANT HIM
TO DO IT IN MY YARD.

[ Spanish ] I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

SO LONG, MR. SANFORD. OH, AND BY THE
WAY, MAN, YOU DO NOT FOOL ME, YOU KNOW?

OUTSIDE YOU MIGHT BE ROUGH
AND MEAN. BUT I KNOW WHAT IS INSIDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S INSIDE? A
BASEBALL BAT. YOU WANNA SEE IT?

A BASEBALL... [ Spanish ]

[ Muttering ]

IT'S A GOOD THING THAT JULIO
IS SUCH A GOOD-NATURED CAT.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY HE
PUTS UP WITH YOUR INSULTS.

WHY YOU HANG OUT WITH HIM ANYWAY
FOR? SOON YOU BE TALKING FUNNY LIKE HIM.

SOMETIMES YOU REALLY
SOUND LIKE A WEIRDO.

THERE YOU GO ALREADY.
WEIRDO... THAT'S SPANISH.

WHY DON'T YOU HANG OUT
WITH YOUR OTHER FRIENDS?

YOU GOT FRIENDS. LIKE
WHO, FOR INSTANCE?

LIKE ROLLO. ROLLO?
YOU HATE ROLLO.

I DON'T HATE ROLLO. I CAN'T STAND HIM, BUT
I DON'T HATE HIM. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

THE DIFFERENCE IS, IF YOU CAN'T STAND
SOMEBODY, YOU DON'T WANNA TOUCH HIM.

BUT IF YOU HATE SOMEBODY,
YOU WANNA TOUCH HIM.

AND JULIO IS SOMEBODY
YOU'D LIKE TO TOUCH?

CONTINUOUSLY WITH SOME OF THESE.

POP, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU GOT AGAINST JULIO.

HE'S GOOD PEOPLE, AND HE
HAPPENS TO BE A FRIEND OF MINE.

- YOU GOT OTHER FRIENDS.
- WHO BESIDES ROLLO
THAT YOU CAN STAND?

ME. I'M YOUR FRIEND.

YOU'RE MY FATHER. RIGHT.

NOW, LISTEN. MOVE OVER.

SEE, SOME OF THE BEST FRIENDSHIPS
EVER BEEN IN THE WORLD...

HAVE BEEN BETWEEN
FATHER AND SON.

YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE, THE CHAMP,
WITH WALLACE BEERY AND JACKIE COOPER?

THAT WAS A GREAT FRIENDSHIP.
OKAY, POP. YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.
WHAT CAN WE DO TOGETHER?

WE CAN DO A LOT
OF THINGS TOGETHER.

WE CAN PLAY CARDS AND CHECKERS AND WATCH
TELEVISION AND WORK CROSSWORD PUZZLES.

MAN, THOSE ARE ALL THINGS THAT
OLD MEN DO. I AIN'T NO OLD MAN.

I GO OUT WITH CHICKS.

GET ME A CHICK. I'LL
GO OUT WITH YOU.

FORGET IT.

LISTEN, SON. THERE ARE A LOT OF
THINGS THAT WE CAN DO TOGETHER.

OUTDOOR STUFF
LIKE GOING FISHING.

FISHING? YEAH, FISHING.

YOU WAKE UP EARLY IN THE MORNING
AND FIX YOU SOME BOLOGNA SANDWICHES.

YOU KNOW, WITH
MAYONNAISE AND ONION.

AND COLESLAW.

AND GET YOU A
COUPLE OF SIX-PACKS.

GO TO THE SANTA MONICA PIER
AND CATCH ONE OF THEM BOATS,

AND GO OUT THERE ALL DAY AND
JUST FISH AND DRINK AND BURP.

AIN'T NOTHING LIKE BURPING
IN THE COOL SEA BREEZE.

YEAH, IT SOUNDS TERRIFIC.

WHEN YOU COME HOME WITH ALL THAT FISH
YOU CAUGHT, THEN YOU CORNMEAL 'EM DOWN.

THEN YOU FRY 'EM AND OPEN UP A
COUPLE CANS OF PORK AND BEANS.

BOY. YOU REST GOOD THAT NIGHT.
DON'T TELL ME THAT DON'T SOUND GOOD.

IT DOES. IT SOUNDS VERY GOOD.

WHY DON'T WE DO IT SOMETIME?
WHAT ABOUT THIS WEEKEND?

HOW ABOUT WHAT? THIS WEEKEND.

I'D LOVE TO, POP, BUT ME AND
JULIO ALREADY MADE PLANS.

WHAT PLANS? WE GOIN'
TO TIJUANA TOGETHER.

GOING WHERE? TIJUANA.
YOU KNOW, MEXICO.

GOING DOWN THERE WITH A SPANISH-SPEAKING
PERSON, I'M REALLY GONNA GET AROUND.

YEAH, YOU GONNA GET AROUND.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU DRINK THE WATER.

POP, WE MADE THESE
PLANS A LONG TIME AGO.

YEAH, I KNOW. SEE, YOU WON'T
GO FISHING WITH YOUR FATHER,

BUT YOU'LL GO TO A FOREIGN
COUNTRY WITH A PUERTO RICAN...

AND END UP ON A BLIND
DATE WITH TYPHOID MARY.

[ Knocking ]

I SURE HOPE THAT'S JULIO. I
DON'T WANNA HEAR THIS NO MORE.

HEY, JULIO. HEY,
LAMONT. YOU READY, MAN?

Y'ALL GOING ALREADY?

NO. JULIO'S TAKING ME TO A MEXICAN
RESTAURANT FOR SOME DINNER.

A RESTAURANT? YOU GOING
OUT TO EAT? I GOT DINNER FIXED.

HEY, POP, I'M SORRY. BUT
SAVE IT. WE'LL EAT IT TOMORROW.

I GOTTA EAT DINNER BY MYSELF?

WAIT. WHY DON'T
YOU COME WITH US?

ME, GO TO A MEXICAN
RESTAURANT? WHY NOT?

YOU DON'T WANNA EAT
ALONE. THEY SAY THAT PEOPLE

WHO EAT ALONE HAVE
TROUBLE WITH DIGESTION.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO EAT IN MEXICAN RESTAURANTS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO. YOU
CAN STAY HERE. NO. WAIT, LAMONT.

HOW ABOUT IT? WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WELL, OKAY. I'LL TRY ANYTHING
ONCE. WAIT TILL I GET MY SWEATER.

THAT'S GREAT, MAN. MAN, WHAT'D YOU
DO THAT FOR? HE'S GONNA BE TROUBLE.

NO, HE'S NOT GONNA BE
TROUBLE. HE'S GONNA BE FINE.

BESIDES, IT'S A GOOD WAY
FOR US TO BECOME FRIENDS.

- YOU READY, MR. SANFORD?
- YEAH. SOON AS I GET
A BOTTLE OF SOMETHING.

WAIT A SECOND. YOU
DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT THAT. THEY GOT
WINE AT THE RESTAURANT.

I'M NOT SPEAKING ABOUT
WINE. PEPTO-BISMOL.

THIS THING IS IN SPANISH.

I KNOW THAT. I WILL
TRANSLATE FOR YOU.

FIRST, SOUP IS SOPA.

OH, SOUP IS SOPA.

LET'S HAVE A BOWL OF IRISH SOPA.

YOU GET THAT? IRISH SOPA...

WE GOT IT. WE GOT IT, POP.

[ Spanish ] [ Spanish ] DO
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?

I WANT NECK BONES,
BLACK-EYED PEAS,

CANNED SWEET POTATOES
AND MUSTARD GREENS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU
KNOW THEY DON'T HAVE THAT HERE.

HE ASKED ME WHAT I WANTED AND I SAID
WHAT I WANTED AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

NECK BONES, BLACK-EYED PEAS.

ALL RIGHT. CANNED
SWEET POTATOES...

MR. SANFORD, WHY DON'T YOU LET
ME ORDER FOR US? AND CORN BREAD.

FIRST OF ALL WE'LL START
WITH A LITTLE SEVICHE. SEVICHE?

SI. WHAT'S THAT?

PICKLED RAW FISH.

BYE. WOULD YOU SIT DOWN?

TAKE THIS HAT OFF.

FOR YOU I THINK I WILL ORDER
SOMETHING NICE AND MILD.

UM, SOME CHILES
RELLENOS CON QUESO.

I KNOW I'M GONNA HAVE A
"QUESO" AFTER I EAT THAT.

POP, YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT IN
HERE. YOU CAN GET UP AND LEAVE.

AND WE WILL HAVE THE
POLLO. GRACIAS, JULIO.

WAITER? COME HERE. SI, SENOR?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT

BEEN HERE TO CHECK
THIS PLACE OUT?

EXCUSE ME? NOTHING,
WAITER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU BETTER CUT IT OUT. MR. SANFORD,
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

THIS PLACE IS VERY CLEAN, AND THE FOOD
IS EXCELLENT. I HAVE HAD EVERYTHING HERE.

HAVE YOU HAD
HEPATITIS? I'M LEAVING.

NO. WAIT, LAMONT,
PLEASE. PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

HERE YOU ARE, GENTLEMEN. A
NICE COLD PITCHER OF SANGRIA.

GRACIAS, NEGRO.
WHAT'D YOU CALL HIM?

IT'S A VERY COMMON
THING. YOU KNOW. WHAT?

I CALL HIM NEGRO.
IT'S A COMMON THING.

IT'S A FRIENDLY WAY OF TALKING
TO EACH OTHER IN SPANISH.

WHAT WE CALL OURSELVES.
HE LOOK LIKE NO NEGRO TO ME.

AH, MR. SANFORD, YOU ARE GOING
TO ENJOY THIS. IT IS CALLED SANGRIA.

SANGRIA. SI.

WHAT DOES SANGRIA
MEAN? IT MEANS BLOOD.

IT IS ONLY A NAME.
BECAUSE OF THE COLOR.

OH. I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING
THEY BROUGHT BACK FROM THE BULLFIGHT.

NO, NO, NO. IS A VERY
POPULAR DRINK. DO YOU LIKE IT?

YEAH, IT TASTES GOOD.

TASTES LIKE RIPPLE
THAT'S GONE FLAT.

IN FACT, THEY SHOULD
CALL IT "FLAPPLE."

WHAT'S THAT STUFF AT
THE BOTTOM? THAT IS FRUIT.

HMM, LOOK LIKE GARBAGE.

THAT'S IT. YOU CAN STAY HERE
AND EAT WITH HIM, BUT I'M LEAVING.

NO, PLEASE, DON'T BE...

EXCUSE ME, MR. SANFORD. LAMONT,
PLEASE COME BACK. PARDON ME, PLEASE.

HEY, NEGRO, COME HERE.

BRING ME ANOTHER
PITCHER OF THAT SHANGRI-LA.

AND, WAITER, HOLD THE GARBAGE.

HEY, POP, I'M LEAVING.
YOU IN THE KITCHEN?

WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S A WHEELCHAIR. WHAT
IT LOOK LIKE, A TOYOTA?

I KNOW IT'S A WHEELCHAIR,
BUT WHAT YOU DOIN' IN IT?

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING
WITH A HEART ATTACK.

YOU WOKE UP WITH ONE? IT WOULDN'T
HAPPEN TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO...

WITH THE FACT THAT JULIO AND I
ARE GOIN' TO TIJUANA, WOULD IT?

- MAYBE.
- THIS WHOLE THING
IS JUST A CHARADE.

A WHAT? A CHARADE.

IS THAT WHAT THEY
DRESS DEAD PEOPLE IN?

THAT'S SHROUD.

SHROUD. CHARADE. I WON'T BE
AROUND MUCH LONGER TO BOTHER YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT. GO ON.
HAVE FUN IN TAMALE LAND.

IF I'M NOT HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK, YOU CAN
GET IN TOUCH WITH ME THROUGH YOUR MOTHER.

WOULD YOU STOP THIS?

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S
PROBABLY WHERE I'LL BE.

IN THAT GREAT GHETTO IN THE SKY.

BEFORE YOU LEAVE,
TURN ON CHANNEL 13...

'CAUSE I WANNA GO
WATCHING THE ROLLER DERBY.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

WAIT A MINUTE, SON. NOW WHAT?

UH, YOU AND JULIO JUST
THE ONLY ONES GOING?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- WELL, COME HERE.

- WHAT?
- COME HERE.

SIT DOWN.

YOU KNOW, I'M VERY
WORRIED ABOUT JULIO.

WHY?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHY?
WHAT IS JULIO ANYWAY?

HE'S A PUERTO RICAN. IS
THAT WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?

NO, THAT AIN'T IT.
I'M TALKING ABOUT...

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
HIM OUT WITH A GIRL?

- I KNEW IT WAS SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
- YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

I AIN'T TRYIN' TO SAY
NOTHING. JUST JULIO MIGHT BE...

ALL RIGHT. ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT YOU
WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A HEART ATTACK,

AND YOU THINK
THAT JULIO MIGHT BE...

IS THERE ANY OTHER REASON
WHY I SHOULDN'T LEAVE NOW?

NO, GO AHEAD. DON'T
EVEN THINK ABOUT ME.

I WON'T. I'LL SEE YOU
LATER. HEY, LAMONT.

YOU GOT YOUR KEY? OF
COURSE I'VE GOT MY KEY.

THAT'S GOOD. 'CAUSE JUST IN CASE I'LL
BE TOO SICK TO COME OPEN THE DOOR.

[ Knocking ]

GOOD MORNING. I'M NELSON B.
DAVIS OF THE DAVIS FUNERAL HOME.

YOU ARE? WHAT YOU DOIN' HERE? I
RECEIVED A CALL FROM MR. FRED SANFORD.

YEAH, I'M FRED SANFORD. I'M THE
ONE THAT CALLED YOU. COME RIGHT IN.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. YEAH, YOU TOO.

SORRY ABOUT THOSE COLD
HANDS. COLD HANDS, WARM CHAPEL.

THAT'S A LITTLE JOKE
IN THE PROFESSION.

WOULD SOMEBODY MIND TELLING ME WHAT'S
GOING ON AND WHAT THIS DUDE'S DOING HERE?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
WAS GONNA BE HERE.

ME AND MR. DAVIS ARE GONNA
TALK OVER SOME BURIAL INSURANCE.

BURIAL INSURANCE?
WHO'S GETTIN' BURIED?

ALL OF US EVENTUALLY.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE?

THAT AIN'T NO JOKE.

DON'T LET US HOLD YOU UP. YOU GO AHEAD ON
YOUR TRIP. WE DON'T WANNA SLOW YOU DOWN.

MR. DAVIS AND I ARE GONNA
TALK ABOUT BURIAL INSURANCE.

ACTUALLY YOU'RE DOING A VERY WISE
THING, PLANNING AHEAD FOR THE INEVITABLE.

BECAUSE WHEN THAT INEVITABLE DAY
COMES, THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS TO DO.

CALLS TO MAKE, ARRANGEMENTS.

AND IF IT SHOULD HAPPEN OVER A HOLIDAY
WEEKEND, IT REALLY CAN BE A PROBLEM.

YOU SEE, WE TAKE CARE
OF EVERYTHING: SERVICES,

FLOWERS, THE PLOT,
EVEN THE MONUMENT.

SEE, WHEN I DIE, I WON'T
HAVE TO DO NOTHING.

YEAH, BUT WHAT'S TO HURRY FOR? I MEAN,
WHY DOES HE NEED ALL THIS STUFF NOW?

THERE IS NO TIME
LIKE THE PRESENT.

OUR SLOGAN IS, "BUY
NOW, PRAY LATER."

WOULD YOU MIND COMING
BACK SOME OTHER TIME?

I THINK I KNOW WHY MY
FATHER WANTED YOU HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE, LAMONT. IT MIGHT
BE TOO LATE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

- ARE YOU GOING AWAY?
- JUST FOR THE WEEKEND. HE WILL
LAST THE WEEKEND, WON'T HE?

WE'LL JUST KEEP OUR
FINGERS CROSSED.

I SHALL WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU.
HERE IS MY CARD. PLEASE CALL ME.

AND, YOUNG MAN, DON'T CONSIDER
WHAT YOUR FATHER IS DOING AS UNUSUAL.

YOU KNOW, BURIAL INSURANCE
IS SOMETHING EVERYBODY DIGS.

I HEARD THAT ONE AT A
MORTICIANS' COCKTAIL PARTY.

GOOD DAY, MR. SANFORD.
MR. SANFORD.

AND I'M LEAVING TOO
UNLESS YOU CAN THINK OF

ANOTHER RIDICULOUS REASON
WHY I SHOULD STAY HERE.

GO AHEAD. WHO'S HOLDING YOU?

I'LL JUST SIT HERE
AND WATCH TELEVISION.

MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

NO WIFE, NO SON, NO NOTHING.

YOU WANNA WATCH
WILD KINGDOM WITH ME?

THAT WAS A GOOD LUNCH.
REALLY ENJOYED THAT.

HUH? OH, YEAH, IT
WAS A GOOD LUNCH.

IN ANOTHER 30 OR 40
MINUTES WE'LL BE IN TIJUANA.

WHAT DID YOU SAY? THIRTY OR
FORTY MINUTES, AND TIJUANA, MAN.

OH, RIGHT, YEAH. WAIT A SECOND.
YOU SURE YOU WANNA KEEP GOING?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU AIN'T
SAID TWO WORDS SINCE WE LEFT YOUR HOUSE.

I'VE BEEN DOING ALL THE TALKING.
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

I AM NOT. YES, YOU ARE, MAN.

I KNOW YOU HATE TO LEAVE HIM ALONE. YOU'RE
WORRIED SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO HIM.

I AM NOT. WHAT
COULD HAPPEN TO HIM?

HE'S AN OLD MAN, AND HE'S
GOT THINGS WRONG WITH HIM.

YOU MEAN THAT STUFF
ABOUT HIM BEING SICK?

THAT'S A FAKE TO KEEP
ME IN THE HOUSE WITH HIM.

SURE, TO KEEP YOU THERE.
BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.

YOU'RE THE ONLY THING HE'S GOT.

OH, MAN, I WISH MY
FATHER WAS STILL LIVING.

IT'S FUNNY, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU
THINK THEY'RE GONNA GO ON LIVING FOREVER.

THEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN, THEY'RE GONE.

THEN YOU'RE SORRY YOU
DIDN'T SPEND MORE TIME

WITH THEM AND... I DON'T
WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS.

LET'S GO. WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE, MAN. YOU
ONLY GOT ONE FATHER, RIGHT?

AND WHEN HE'S GONE... [
Spanish ] I MEAN, THAT'S IT.

I'LL BET HE WISHES YOU AND HIM COULD BE
SPENDING MORE TIME TOGETHER THIS WEEKEND.

YEAH, 'CAUSE HE WANTED
ME TO GO FISHING WITH HIM.

FISHING. OH, MAN.

I WISH I COULD GO FISHING WITH
MY FATHER. WELL, IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

AND THAT FAKING YOU
WAS TALKING ABOUT...

WHO KNOWS, MAN? WHO CAN TELL
SOMETIMES WHEN THEY'RE FAKING OR NOT?

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
WANT ME TO DRIVE?

YEAH, BUT WAIT A MINUTE. YOU DON'T
KNOW HOW LONG HE'S BEEN FOOLING ME.

MY OLD MAN'S BEEN FOOLING ME FOR
YEARS. OKAY, SO HE FOOLS YOU 99 TIMES.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE
HUNDREDTH TIME? MAYBE... PSST.

YEAH, BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

ALL THEM PHONY HEART ATTACKS
HE HAS, THEY DON'T MEAN NOTHING.

EVERY TIME I WANNA GO
SOMEPLACE OR DO SOMETHING,

HE HAS ONE OF THEM
PHONY HEART ATTACKS.

OKAY. WELL, LET'S JUST HOPE
THIS TIME IT'S NOT THE REAL THING.

NOW ARE YOU READY TO GO? WHERE?

WHERE? TIJUANA.
TIJUANA, ARE YOU CRAZY?

MY FATHER COULD BE AT HOME DYING,
AND WE TALKING ABOUT GOIN' TO TIJUANA.

I'M GOING HOME.
HEY, WAIT FOR ME.

GUESS YOU FEEL BETTER NOW THAT
YOU'RE HOME, HUH? I FEEL A LOT BETTER.

I NEVER WOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO ENJOY
MYSELF IN TIJUANA WORRYING ABOUT MY FATHER.

SURE, MAN. BESIDES, WE
CAN GO TO TIJUANA ANY TIME.

MAYBE NEXT WEEKEND,
HUH? THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, MAN.

HEY, POP, I'M HOME.

YOU UPSTAIRS?

HEY, POP, YOU IN THE KITCHEN?

HE'S NOT HERE. I WONDER
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE HE WENT
FOR A WALK. HE HATES WALKING.

- LOOK AT THIS WHEELCHAIR.
- WHAT ABOUT IT?

IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY FELL
DOWN AND CRAWLED OUTSIDE...

AND OUT INTO THE
STREET AND COLLAPSED.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. HE COLLAPSED OUT
HERE AND SOMEBODY CALLED THE AMBULANCE.

THAT'S IT. HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.

YOU GONNA ENJOY MY PLACE, HONEY.

YES, INDEED.

I'M NOT KIDDING YOU. YOU'LL LIKE MY
PLACE BECAUSE IT'S NICE AND COZY.

AND I WANT YOU TO TRY SOME OF THIS
SHANGHAI BECAUSE IT'S REALLY GOOD.

IT TASTES LIKE RIPPLE
THAT'S GONE FLAT.

THAT'S WHY I CALL IT FLAPPLE.

HEY, THE TRUCK.

MY SON WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE OUTTA TOWN, BUT

HE MUST BE BACK. YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

I DIDN'T KNOW MY SON WAS COMING
BACK. YOU GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

WHAT KIND OF JIVE
NONSENSE IS THIS? YOU

INVITE ME OVER, NOW
YOU TRY TO BRUSH ME OFF?

SHH. I DON'T WANT
HIM TO HEAR YOU.

I DON'T CARE IF HE DOES HEAR
ME. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

LISTEN. YOU GOT TO GO. I'LL BRING
YOU BACK HERE SOME OTHER TIME.

I AIN'T EVER COMING BACK
HERE AGAIN, YOU JIVE CHUMP.

YOU GOT ME OFF OF THAT BAR WHEN THE
OTHER DUDE WAS BUYING ME FOUR DRINKS.

NOW I'VE GOT TO GO
AND START OVER AGAIN.

I'LL TAKE YOU
BACK AND I'LL BUY...

YOU BACK HOME
EARLY, AIN'T YOU, SON?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT?

I THOUGHT YOU FELL DOWN,
CRAWLED OUT HERE AND COLLAPSED.

AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.

MY HEART WAS HURTING
SO BAD, I CRAWLED OUT HERE.

THEN I CRAWLED INTO THE
STREET AND COLLAPSED.

THIS LADY HERE WAS NICE ENOUGH
TO PICK ME UP AND HELP ME HOME.

WHO PICKED YOU
UP? YOU PICKED ME UP.

DON'T YOU NEVER
COME 'ROUND HERE.

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN I'D BE WASTING MY TIME
WITH A JIVE, STUPID OLD BUZZARD LIKE YOU.

IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A HEART
ATTACK, SHE'D HAVE GAVE YOU ONE.

I THINK I'M HAVING ONE NOW, SON.

OH. THIS IS THE BIG ONE.

HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?

I'M COMING TO JOIN YOU, HONEY.

WITH A FIFTH OF
FLAPPLE IN MY HAND.

WELL, NOT QUITE A FIFTH, HONEY.

[ Knocking ]

♪ WHAT YOU WANT
BABY, I GOT IT ♪♪

HEY, LAMONT. YOU READY TO GO,
MAN? AS SOON AS I GET MY STUFF.

GOOD. WHERE'S YOUR
FATHER? HE'S UPSTAIRS SULKING.

I TOLD HIM ME AND YOU WAS GOING
FISHING AND HE WASN'T INVITED.

HE'S MAD. I'LL GET
MY STUFF. [ Knocking ]

WANT ME TO GET IT? NAH.

GOOD MORNING. IS
YOUR FATHER HOME?

OH, I SEE. JUST A
MINUTE, MR. DAVIS.

HEY, POP, MR. DAVIS IS
DOWN HERE TO SEE YOU.

HE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN. HOW
COME YOU'RE BACK SO SOON?

HE CALLED ME. HE SAID HE WANTED
TO DISCUSS BURIAL INSURANCE.

HE SAID YOU WOULDN'T BE
HERE, AND WE COULD TALK.

OKAY.

HELLO, SON. I THOUGHT
YOU'D BE GONE BY NOW.

ME AND MR. DAVIS WANNA
DISCUSS BURIAL INSURANCE.

BURIAL INSURANCE?
ON SUCH A NICE DAY?

MR. SANFORD, YOU SHOULD
BE OUT FISHING INSTEAD.

I'D LOVE TO GO FISHING.

WHY DON'T YOU COME
WITH US? ASK HIM, MAN.

JULIO. ASK HIM, MAN. REMEMBER
WHAT I TOLD YOU. PSST.

POP, IF WE TAKE YOU
FISHING, WOULD YOU

PROMISE TO FORGET ABOUT
THIS BURIAL INSURANCE?

I SURE WOULD. ALL RIGHT, GET
YOUR STUFF. WE'LL WAIT FOR YOU.

OKAY.

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.