Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 18 - Watts Side Story - full transcript

Lamont just met a girl named Maria, but she's Julio's Puerto Rican sister, and the possibility of an interracial romance ruffles the feathers of both Fred and Mrs. Fuentes.

♪ I HAD PLENTY
OF MONEY IN 1922 ♪

♪ LET OTHER PEOPLE
MAKE A FOOL OUT... ♪

HEY, LAMONT! HOW YOU SAY
YOU WANTED YOUR EGGS?

I WANT 'EM FRIED, STRAIGHT UP!

UH, HOW 'BOUT SCRAMBLED?

I WANT 'EM FRIED!
SCRAMBLED'S GOOD TOO.

HOW COME I CAN'T
HAVE 'EM STRAIGHT UP?

'CAUSE I DROPPED ONE ON
THE FLOOR STRAIGHT DOWN.

♪ WHY DON'T YOU DO RIGHT ♪

♪ LIKE SOME OTHER PEOPLE DO ♪

OH, NO! WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?



THE TRUCK IS GONE! SOMEBODY STOLE
THE TRUCK! I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE.

RELAX. THE TRUCK'S NOT
STOLEN. SOMEBODY BORROWED IT.

- WHAT? WHO DID?
- I LOANED THE TRUCK
TO OUR NEIGHBOR, JULIO.

JULIO? YOU LOANED OUR
TRUCK TO A PUERTO RICAN?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES
IT MAKE WHAT THE MAN IS?

HE NEEDED THE TRUCK,
AND I LOANED IT TO HIM.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT DIFFERENCE IT
MAKES. THEY DON'T RETURN STUFF.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? I'M TALKIN' ABOUT...

HOW PUERTO RICANS BORROW YOUR
STUFF AND THEN DON'T BRING IT BACK.

THEY BORROWED HARLEM, REMEMBER?

AND I'M SURE THEY'D
BE GLAD TO RETURN IT.

WELL, YOU CAN JUST KISS
THAT TRUCK GOOD-BYE.

YOU KNOW HOW BAD THEY DRIVE.

WHAT IS THIS? THEY DON'T RETURN
THINGS. THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE.



- WHAT ARE YOU, A BIGOT?
- NO, I'M A BAPTIST.

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE. I'M
THE SON OF A BIGOT. WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

JUST HUSH RIGHT UP. I'M JUST A FELLA
THAT LIKES TO PROTECT HIS PROPERTY.

WHAT'D JULIO NEED
THE TRUCK FOR ANYWAY?

I DON'T KNOW. HE SAID
IT WAS A SURPRISE.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

HE'S PROBABLY SMUGGLING
IN A TRUCKLOAD OF MEXICANS.

PULL THAT CANVAS BACK, AND THERE
THEY ARE, A WHOLE LOT OF WETBACKS.

AND THEY SAY, "SURPRISE!"

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

OH, YES, I DO. IT'S EITHER THAT OR HE'S
SMUGGLING IN SOME OF THAT TIJUANA TOBACCO.

YOU KNOW, "EL JOINT-OS"?

WHY DON'T YOU KNOCK IT OFF?
NOW, THE MAN DOESN'T HAVE A TRUCK.

I LOANED HIM OURS. HE
HAD SOME WORK TO DO.

YOU LOANED THE MAN OUR TRUCK TO CUT INTO
OUR BUSINESS, THEN THERE GOES THE EMPIRE.

WHAT EMPIRE?

WHAT EMPIRE? THIS EMPIRE!

I BUILT UP FROM THE GROUND FROM
NOTHING' TO WHAT YOU SEE NOW.

LOOK, POP, JUST KNOCK IT OFF.

WE DON'T EVEN NEED
THE TRUCK. IT'S SUNDAY.

AND THE BIBLE SAYS, "ON
SUNDAY THOU SHALL REST."

THAT MEANS, THOU
SHALL REST, I SHALL REST,

AND MY TRUCK SHOULD
ALSO BE RESTING.

YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GRIPING ALL DAY, AREN'T
YOU, 'CAUSE I LOANED THAT TRUCK TO JULIO?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. 'CAUSE I
DON'T TRUST HIM NO FURTHER...

THAN I CAN THROW
A TEN-TON BANANA.

POP, JULIO HAPPENS TO BE A VERY
HONEST GUY, AND HE'S GENEROUS.

I BET HE EVEN FILLS THE TANK.

YEAH, WITH GOAT'S MILK.

I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO NO MORE
OF THIS. I'M GONNA HAVE MY BREAKFAST.

[ Knocking At Door ] I BET THAT'S JULIO
NOW WITH YOUR OLD, DUMB TRUCK,

AND WE'LL GET SOME PEACE. I
BET IT'S THE HIGHWAY PATROL.

YOU GET IT, 'CAUSE
I WANNA BE SITTIN'...

WHEN THEY TELL ME MY
TRUCK WENT OFF A CLIFF.

HEY, JULIO! HEY,
LAMONT. ¿COME ESTÁ?

HOW YOU FEEL, BUDDY?
BUENOS DÍAS, MR. SANFORD.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
CALL YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY.

JULIO, IS EVERYTHING
OKAY? PERFECTO, MAN.

HERE'S THE KEY, AND I WANT
TO THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THAT TRUCK WAS
REALLY A BIG HELP.

AND NOW I TELL YOU THE REASON
WHY I BORROWED THE TRUCK.

WHAA! I GOT A BIG SURPRISE, MAN!

YOU BROUGHT THE
TRUCK BACK IN ONE PIECE.

SURE, MAN. BY THE WAY, TO SHOW HOW MUCH
I APPRECIATE, I FILLED THE TANK WITH GAS.

- JULIO, YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO DO THAT.
- OH, YES, HE DID.

HEY, CON PERMISO. EXCUSE ME.

I'M COMING RIGHT BACK
WITH THE SURPRISE, MAN.

IT AIN'T HERE ON THE HEADLINES.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M TRYING TO
SEE IF THERE WAS A RIOT YESTERDAY.

'CAUSE IF IT WAS A RIOT,

THAT SURPRISE COULD BE A
TRUCKLOAD OF HOT TELEVISIONS.

LISTEN, YOU. I WANT YOU TO STOP
INSULTING JULIO. YOU GOT THAT?

EITHER THAT OR HE'S SMUGGLING
SOMETHING IN TO THE COUNTRY.

[ Spanish ] BUENOS DÍAS.

WETBACKS.

LAMONT, MR. SANFORD,
I WANT YOU TO MEET...

MY MOTHER PROVIDENCIA,
AND MY SISTER MARIA.

HA-HA! THEY JUST
CAME IN FROM NEW YORK.

[ Spanish ]

BUENOS DÍAS. I'M HAPPY TO
MEET YOU, SEÑOR SANFORD.

MY SON TELLS ME THAT YOU TOO
ARE UN COMPRADO DE HIERRO VIEJO.

NO, NO, I'M A CITIZEN.

NO, SEÑOR. COMPRADOR DE
HIERRO VIEJO IS A JUNK MAN.

[ Spanish ]

[ Spanish ]

HEY, WHAT'D SHE SAY?

MOMMY SAID THAT SHE HAS
NEVER SEEN AN INDOOR JUNKYARD.

[ Sarcastic Laughing ]

YEAH, YOUR... YOUR
MAMA'S REALLY FUNNY.

A REGULAR CAESAR SOMBRERO.

UH, SHALL WE ALL SIT DOWN?

DID YOU COME HERE FOR
A VISIT, MRS. FUENTES?

YES! I DREAM OF COMING TO
CALIFORNIA FOR YEARS! MARIA TOO!

OH, YES! JULIO WRITES THAT
FLOWERS GROW ALL THE TIME,

AND THAT PEOPLE KEEP
A TAN ALL YEAR LONG.

OH, THAT'S JUST IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

HEY, HAVE YOU FOLKS HAD YOUR
BREAKFAST YET? SÍ, THANK YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. MARIA, WHY
DON'T YOU HELP ME UNLOAD THE TRUCK?

I'LL HELP YOU, JULIO. GREAT.
MOMMY, WHY DON'T YOU STAY...

AND GET ACQUAINTED
WITH MR. SANFORD? BIEN.

NO, NO. WAIT A MINUTE. WHY DON'T
WE ALL HELP UNLOAD THE TRUCK?

NO, POP. LET THE
YOUNG PEOPLE DO THAT.

YOU STAY IN HERE AND
CONVERSE WITH MRS. FUENTES.

NO, NO. WAIT A MINUTE,
SON. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU SURE YOU WON'T NEED MORE HELP?
WOULD YOU GO SIT DOWN AND TALK TO HER?

TALK TO HER ABOUT WHAT? I DON'T
KNOW. TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER.

WHO WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT
THE WEATHER IN PUERTO RICO?

SAY, YOU COME OUT
HERE ON THE BUS?

OH, NO, SEÑOR. WE FLY.

AND IT IS SO FAST. WE
GET INTO THE AIRPLANE,

AND BOOM, BOOM, WE
ARE HERE IN FIVE HOURS.

WELL, THEY SAY IT'S
MUCH FASTER GOING BACK.

YOU GET IN THE AIRPLANE, AND BOOM,
BOOM, YOU BACK HOME IN FOUR HOURS.

HOW LONG YOU
GONNA STAY OUT HERE?

I DON'T KNOW, SEÑOR. JULIO
WANTS US TO STAY FOR GOOD.

OH, I'D THINK ABOUT
THAT IF I WAS YOU.

I MEAN, IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR A VISIT, BUT
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT LIVING OUT HERE.

WHY? IT IS BAD TO LIVE HERE?

OH, VERY BAD.

LOOK HOW DIRTY THEM WINDOWS
ARE. YOU DO NOT DO WINDOWS?

- NO, I'M TALKIN' ABOUT SMOG. THAT'S SMOG.
- AH, WE HAVE SMOG IN NEW YORK.

YEAH, BUT OUT HERE OUR SMOG
IS MIXED WITH EARTHQUAKES.

SEE, OUT HERE A BUILDING
WILL FALL ON YOU...

AND YOUR LAST BREATH
WON'T EVEN BE A GOOD ONE.

I WILL GET USED TO
IT LIKE EVERYBODY.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING YOU
DON'T GET USED TO... THE MAYOR.

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
SAM "AIRPLANE" YORTY?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF JOHN
"GARBAGE STRIKE" LINDSAY?

YOU KNOW WHO WILL BE UNHAPPY
OUT HERE? IS YOUR DAUGHTER.

MARIA? SHE COULD HARDLY WAIT
TO COME TO CALIFORNIA, SEÑOR.

WELL, DOES SHE HAVE A
BOYFRIEND BACK IN NEW YORK?

MMM. POQUITOS.

SEE NOW, THERE'S A
PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.

THERE AIN'T MANY
POQUITOS OUT HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I MEAN, IF
SHE WAS LOOKIN' FOR A STEADY.

OR A SWEETHEART.
HOW DO YOU SAY THAT?

AH, SÍ. UN NOVIO.

NOVIO. YEAH.

SEE, IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD,
OUR NOVIOS IS BLACK-EOS.

WELL, I DO NOT WORRY
ABOUT MARIA. SHE IS SMART.

SHE WILL DO THE RIGHT THING.

OH! OH! GET THAT
KILLER OUT OF HERE!

HOLD THAT KILLER! THIS
MUST BE JULIO'S GOAT.

TELL HIM SOMETHING IN
PUERTO RICAN. TELL HIM...

EL GOAT-O GET OUT OF EL HOUSE-O.

[ Spanish ]

GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

DON'T WORRY, MAN. HE
WON'T DO ANYTHING BAD.

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE
HIM TIME TO TRY. OUT-O!

[ Spanish ] [ Laughing ]

- H-HEY, WHAT'D SHE SAY?
- NOTHING. NOTHING.

WHAT I THINK SHE SAID WAS THAT YOU
AND THE GOAT GOT THE SAME BEARD. RIGHT?

[ Julio ] I'M SORRY. YEAH, YOUR MAMA
GOT OFF ANOTHER GOOD ONE, DIDN'T SHE?

A REGULAR PUERTO RICAN PHYLLIS
DILLER. [ Julio ] WE HAVE TO GO.

OH, BY THE WAY. THANK
YOU, MR. SANFORD...

FOR BEING SO NICE TO MY MOTHER.

ADIÓS, SEÑOR
SANFORD. [ Spanish ]

COME ON, CHICO. [ Spanish ]

WELL, THAT'S IT.
HE HAD THE TRUCK.

HE BROUGHT HIS FAMILY. THE END.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

IT MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO
HAVE NOTHIN' MORE TO DO WITH HIM.

JUST LIKE THE OLD SAYING:
"EAST IS EAST AND WEST IS WEST,

AND NEVER THE
TWAIN SHALL MEET-O."

AND THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT?

THAT'S EXACTLY THE WAY I WANT IT. YOU
CAN'T BE TOO NICE TO THEM PUERTO RICANS.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THERE'LL BE
ANOTHER PUERTO RICAN FAMILY MOVING HERE.

THEN ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER
ONE. AND THEN WHAT YOU GOT?

HARLEM WEST.

YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANNA
DO, BUT I PLAN ON SEEING THEM.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M TAKING
JULIO'S SISTER OUT TONIGHT.

WH... WHAT YOU SAY?

YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID. I'M
TAKING MARIA OUT TO DINNER.

[ Groaning ]

OH, THIS IS THE BIG ONE.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL STOP THAT RIGHT
NOW BECAUSE IT'S NOT GONNA DO ANY GOOD.

SON, YOU CAN'T GO OUT WITH
HER BECAUSE SHE'S A, SHE'S A...

SHE'S A WHAT? GO
AHEAD, SAY IT. SHE'S WHAT?

SHE'S... SHE'S A FOREIGNER.

I'M STILL GOING OUT WITH HER.

OH, SON, DON'T DO THAT. I GOT
A HEAVY FEELIN' RIGHT HERE.

IT'LL PASS. I'M GOING
AND EAT MY BREAKFAST.

OH! THIS IS THE BIG ONE.

HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?

I'M COMIN' TO JOIN YOU, HONEY,

WITH AN ENCHILADA ON MY HEART.

[ Groaning ]

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU? [ Mumbling ]

TAKE THAT THING
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
ME, AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S MAKIN' ME SICK.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN
TO BE SICK BECAUSE, UH,

I'M TAKING MARIA OUT TO
DINNER TONIGHT, WOULD YOU?

NO. I JUST GOT THIS FEVER.

I'M REAL SICK.
LOOK AT THAT... 108.

POP, IF YOUR TEMPERATURE
WAS 108, YOU'D BE DEAD.

THEN I'M GLAD I WON'T BE
LIVIN' TO SEE YOU TAKE HER OUT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
JULIO HAPPENS TO BE A FRIEND OF MINE,

AND HIS SISTER'S IN
TOWN FOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND AS AN ACT OF FRIENDSHIP, I'M TAKING
HER OUT TO DINNER. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

IT'S WRONG. IT'S JUST
WRONG. AND IT'S DANGEROUS.

- DANGEROUS? WHY?
- YOU COULD BE ATTACKED
BY SHARKS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
REMEMBER THAT MOVIE, WEST SIDE STORY?

THE SHARKS WAS A
GANG OF PUERTO RICANS.

AND THEY GOT THAT GUY
FOR TAKING THAT MARIA OUT.

AND HE WAS IRISH, SO YOU CAN
IMAGINE WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO YOU.

YOU REALLY TALK
STRANGE SOMETIMES.

WHAT IS THIS, "SHARKS"? THERE'RE
HARDLY ANY PUERTO RICANS IN LOS ANGELES.

THEY'LL SHIP 'EM
IN FROM NEW YORK.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO STAY AROUND
AND LISTEN TO THIS. I'M GOING.

WAIT A MINUTE,
LAMONT. WAIT A MINUTE.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHY I DON'T WANT
YOU TO GO OUT WITH HER.
- ALL RIGHT.

WHAT IF BUBBA, LEROY
AND SKILLET SEE YOU?

THEY AIN'T AS
BROAD-MINDED AS I AM.

- YEAH, YOU'RE
PRETTY BROAD-MINDED, POP.
- YOU KNOW I'M BROAD-MINDED.

REMEMBER THAT TIME
THAT WHITE WOMAN CAME IN?

DIDN'T I LET HER USE THE TOILET?

TERRIFIC. LOOK, I'M GONNA TAKE
MARIA OUT TO DINNER TONIGHT.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY THINK. I DON'T
CARE ABOUT BUBBA, LEROY OR SKILLET.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME?

OF COURSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, POP.

BUT YOU STILL HAVEN'T
GIVEN ME ONE INTELLIGENT

REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T
TAKE MARIA OUT.

OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU AN
INTELLIGENT REASON.

REMEMBER THAT MOVIE,
THE GREAT WHITE HOPE?

Y-YOU REMEMBER ALL THE TROUBLE JACK
JOHNSON HAD WITH THAT WHITE WOMAN?

T-THEY THREW HIM OUT OF THE
MOTEL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

AND THEY WASN'T EVEN
DRINKIN' OR PLAYIN' THE TV LOUD.

- COME ON, POP.
- YEAH, SEE.

YOU AND HER WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO
GET AN APARTMENT IN BEVERLY HILLS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU GOT US
MARRIED AND LIVING IN AN APARTMENT ALREADY.

AND ALL I'M DOIN' IS TAKING HER
OUT TO DINNER. I GOTTA SPLIT.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE
YOU GONNA TAKE HER?

YOU KNOW THAT CHINESE
RESTAURANT, CHUNG LEE?

WELL, LISTEN, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE HER TO A DRIVE-IN?

THAT WAY YOU WON'T EVEN
HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE CAR.

- GOOD NIGHT, POP.
- WAIT A MINUTE, SON.

TAKE HER TO ONE OF THEM NICE
TACO PLACES, AND SHE CAN TEACH YOU...

HOW TO EAT A TACO WITHOUT
THE FILLING FALLING ON THE FLOOR.

GOOD NIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE.

JULIO, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE? HEY, LAMONT.

I JUST CAME OVER TO THANK
YOU, MAN. THANK ME FOR WHAT?

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT IN FRONT OF
MARIA BECAUSE IT MIGHT EMBARRASS HER.

BUT I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THE
NICE THING YOU'RE DOING FOR MY SISTER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO THANK ME FOR
THAT. I'M GONNA ENJOY TAKING HER OUT.

[ Groaning ]

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MR. SANFORD?
ARE YOU SICK? I'M REAL SICK.

THAT'S TOO BAD. THAT'S FUNNY
BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS SICK TOO.

SHE IS? SHE WAS ALL
RIGHT THIS MORNING. I KNOW.

BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE
GOT A FEVER, MAN. WHOO!

SHE'S PROBABLY SICK FOR
THE SAME REASON I'M SICK.

BECAUSE THIS DUMMY'S
TAKING YOUR SISTER OUT.

WELL, LET'S GO, JULIO. WAIT A
MINUTE. LISTEN, MR. SANFORD.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH LAMONT
GOING OUT WITH MARIA?

NEVER MIND, JULIO. LET'S GO.
NO. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR
SON GOING OUT WITH MY SISTER.

UH, YOU DON'T KNOW? NO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? SHE'S
NOT, UH, PRETTY ENOUGH? NO.

SHE'S NOT OLD ENOUGH? NO.

MAYBE, MR. SANFORD, IT IS
BECAUSE SHE IS A PUERTO RICAN.

SÍ, SEÑOR.

NO, NO. DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU ARE, MR. SANFORD?

YOU ARE A PERSONA FANATICA.
THAT IS SPANISH FOR BIGOT.

WELL, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?

THAT'S ENGLISH FOR "HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?"

NO, NO. I'M GONNA TELL
YOU SOMETHING ELSE, MAN!

I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH,
THAT'S RIGHT. [ Mumbling ]

NO, YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS,
BECAUSE YOUR HEAD IS OLD-FASHIONED, MAN.

IT IS ANTICUADO.

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE I PEEL YOUR ANTICUADO.

NO, NO, NO. LISTEN. I
TELL YOU WHAT, MAN.

I DIDN'T TELL LAMONT HE HAS
TO GO OUT WITH MY SISTER.

- THAT WAS HIS OWN IDEA!
- WELL, THAT WAS A DUMB IDEA!

OH, YEAH? IF IT IS SUCH A DUMB IDEA,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE HER OUT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I AIN'T SAYIN' NOTHIN'! NO, MAN!

I DIDN'T COME OVER HERE FOR
PEOPLE TO INSULT MY SISTER! NO, NO, NO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE HER
OUT. THAT'S ALL. SEE IF I CARE.

HEY, POP, WHY... JULIO,
I... [ Grumbling In Spanish ]

YOU ANTICUADO!

WAIT A MINUTE! LAMONT!

HERE WE ARE. [
Speaking Chinese ]

BEEF WITH CHINESE VEGETABLES.

LOBSTER CANTONESE.

FRIED RICE. OKAY? OKAY.

WOW, LOOK AT ALL THIS FOOD.
WHO'S GONNA EAT ALL THIS?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY. YOU EAT
CHINESE FOOD, AN HOUR LATER YOU'RE HUNGRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY? EAT FOR
AN HOUR, THEN YOU WON'T BE HUNGRY AGAIN.

[ Laughing ]

THAT'S TERRIFIC.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

EAT FOR AN HOUR. [ Laughing ]

WELL, DIG RIGHT IN THERE AND
HELP YOURSELF. THANK YOU.

LAMONT, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR TAKING ME OUT LIKE THIS.

MY FIRST DAY IN LOS ANGELES,
AND I'VE GOT A DATE ALREADY.

THAT'S OKAY. MAYBE
AFTER DINNER...

WE CAN DRIVE UP PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY
AND LET THE WIND BLOW THROUGH YOUR HAIR.

THAT SOUNDS NICE. YEAH.

WAIT. YOU DON'T
HAVE A CONVERTIBLE.

NO, BUT IF YOU ROLL THE WINDOWS
DOWN ON THE PICKUP, IT'S THE SAME THING.

GOOD EVENING. HOW
MANY IN YOUR PARTY?

[ Deep Voice ] JUST ONE.

OH, I'M SORRY. I DON'T
HAVE A TABLE FOR ONE.

WHY SO CROWDED TONIGHT?
SUNDAY NIGHT ALWAYS CROWDED.

JEWISH PEOPLE LIKE TO EAT CHINESE
FOOD ON SUNDAY. WHY IS THAT?

DON'T ASK ME. I'M NOT JEWISH.

HEY, YOU GOT
SOMETHING IN THE BACK?

OH. MAYBE I GIVE YOU TABLE
SIX. YES, YOU COME WITH ME.

YOU MIND SHARING A TABLE
WITH SOMEBODY? NO. I DON'T CARE.

EXCUSE ME, LADY. WE
VERY BUSY TONIGHT.

YOU MIND SHARE
TABLE WITH GENTLEMAN?

YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THE SAME THING YOU ARE DOING.

OH, YOU TWO
FRIENDS. THAT'S GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE SAME THING I'M DOING
HERE? HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE?

YOU COME HERE TO WATCH
YOUR SON, HMM? YEAH.

I COME HERE TO WATCH YOUR
SON TOO. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I WATCH TO SEE THEY
DO NOT GET SERIOUS.

THE MINUTE HE TAKES HER
HAND AND LOOKS INTO HER EYES,

I WILL JUMP IN AND SAY, "BASTA."

WHAT'D YOU CALL MY SON?

I SAY, "BASTA." ENOUGH.

ENOUGH?

I'M SORRY MY SON WAS DUMB ENOUGH
TO GO OUT WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY MY DAUGHTER IS
DUMB ENOUGH TO GO OUT WITH YOUR SON.

IT IS AS IF SHE HAS
NO GOOD CEREBRO.

JUST KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER
AWAY FROM MY SON.

IF SHE LIKES OUR PEOPLE,
LET HER START AT THE BOTTOM.

LET HER GET A HIGH
YELLOW AND WORK UP.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
ARE, SEÑOR SANFORD?

YOU ARE A MENTECATO.
THAT MEAN "FOOL."

AND YOU ARE AN OLD MENTECATO.

- HOW YOU SAY "LIPS" IN SPANISH?
- LABIOS.

LABIOS. HOW'D YOU
LIKE AN OLD MENTECATO...

TO GIVE YOU ONE
ACROSS YOUR LABIOS?

AY, IT IS A GOOD THING WE ARE NOT IN NEW
YORK WHERE HER FRIENDS COULD SEE HER.

I WISH THEY WERE IN NEW YORK SO MY
FRIENDS COULDN'T SEE MY SON OUT WITH HER...

'CAUSE IT'S GONNA RUIN HIS
REPUTATION IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

WELL, WOULD YOU LOOK WHO'S HERE!

HELLO, FRED. LOOK,
SKILLET, IT'S FRED.

HELLO, FRED! [ Laughing ]

MAN, WE KNOW THAT'S
YOU BEHIND THEM SHADES.

WHAT YOU TRYING TO DO, HIDE?

OH, I GET IT! A LITTLE
LA CUCARACHA TIME.

HUH, FRED?

UH, WAIT A MINUTE,
FELLAS. L-LET ME EXPLAIN.

[ Spanish ]

OOH! FRED'S OUT WITH
HIS SPANISH TEACHER.

THAT'S SWEET!

L-LISTEN. IF YOU
MUST KNOW, UH, UH,

WE OUT HERE WATCHIN' HER DAUGHTER
'CAUSE SHE'S OUT WITH LAMONT.

AND WE JUST WATCHIN'
'EM SITTING OVER THERE.

OH, YEAH? WHERE? RIGHT
OVER THERE AT THE FIRST TA-TA...

I SWEAR. HONEST. THERE
WERE SITTIN' RIGHT OVER THERE.

SURE THEY WERE!
LET'S GO, SKILLET.

LET'S LED FRED AND THE
SEÑORA ENJOY THEIR DINNER.

ADIOS, YOU TWO! [ Laughing ]

I'M DEAD NOW. I'M RUINED.

I'LL NEVER HEAR THE END OF
THIS, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

MY FAULT? BECAUSE OF YOU, I
DIDN'T EVEN SEE THEM LEAVE.

YOU SPOILED EVERYTHING.

YES, SIR. READY TO
ORDER NOW? WHAT?

YOU READY TO ORDER DINNER?
I MIGHT AS WELL SINCE I'M HERE.

AND WAITER, UH, SEPARATE CHECKS.

HEY, POP, YOU HOME?

HEY, POP, YOU UP THERE? POP?

HEY, POP, YOU IN THE KITCHEN?

YOU ARE HOME. DIDN'T
YOU HEAR ME CALLING YOU?

OF COURSE I'M HOME. WHERE DO YOU
THINK I'D BE WITH A FEVER LIKE I GOT?

ARE YOU GONNA START THAT AGAIN?

I'VE BEEN IN BED EVER SINCE
YOU LEFT TO SEE THAT GIRL.

I COULD'VE BEEN DEAD.

[ Knocking At Door ] WHO IS THAT AT THIS
TIME OF NIGHT? YOU EXPECTING COMPANY?

HEY, LEROY, SKILLET...
HEY, LAMONT. HELLO, FRED.

[ Chattering ] GOOD
NIGHT, FELLAS.

WE JUST HAD TO TALK TO
YOUR FATHER. GOOD NIGHT...

WAIT A MINUTE. ALL
WE WANT TO KNOW IS...

WHO THAT WOMAN WAS
WE SAW YOU WITH TONIGHT.

WHAT? WHAT'D YOU
SAY? HE DIDN'T TELL YOU?

YOUR POP WAS OUT
WITH A REAL CUTIE! YEAH!

AND ALL THE SISTERS IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD ARE GONNA FEEL CHEATED.

IS THERE SOMETHING
THAT YOU'D LIKE TO TELL US?

YEAH. BASTA. ALL THREE OF YA.

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.