Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 20 - Pops 'n' Pals - full transcript

HELLO, OPERATOR? LISTEN,
LET ME HAVE THE POLICE.

HELLO, POLICE? LISTEN, I WAS
WONDERING IF YOU HAVE A REPORT...

OF AN INJURED OLD MAN
WITHIN THE LAST HOUR OR SO.

WELL, SEE, THE OLD MAN HAPPENS
TO BE... NEVER MIND. [ Fred Humming ]

THANK YOU.

♪ CAN I BELIEVE HER ♪

♪ WHEN SHE TELLS ME SO ♪

♪ IS SHE FOOLIN' IS IT JUST
A GAME ♪ SAY, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S THE WAY SONNY TIL WITH THE
ORIOLES USED TO SING THAT NUMBER.

THEN THEY'D GO,
♪ AM I THE FIRE ♪

♪ OR JUST ANOTHER FL-A-ME ♪



I'LL HIT IT ONE
MORE TIME FOR YOU.

♪ AM I THE FIRE ♪

♪ OR JUST ANOTHER FL-A-ME ♪♪

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?

♪ I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TIME IT WAS ♪

♪ UNTIL I MET YOU ♪ YOU'RE JUST
FULL OF SONGS TONIGHT, AREN'T YOU?

AND WHAT ELSE ARE
YOU FULL OF, MUSCATEL?

NO. WE WERE DRINKING MUSCATEL AND
RIPPLE. IN FACT, I CALL IT, "MUSCATIPPLE."

AND WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? AND DON'T TELL
ME YOU'VE BEEN SITTING WITH NO SICK FRIEND.

WELL, IF SHE WAS,
SHE'S ALL RIGHT NOW.

WHEW! YOU WAS OUT WITH A WOMAN?

YES, I WAS OUT WITH A WOMAN. WHO YOU
THINK I'D BE OUT WITH THIS TIME OF NIGHT,

FATS DOMINO?

AND I JUST CALLED THE
POLICE TO FIND OUT IF



THEY HAD ANY RECORD
OF AN INJURED OLD MAN.

ALL I REALLY HAD TO WORRY
ABOUT WAS A DIRTY OLD MAN.

DON'T SAY THAT.
SHE WAS A NICE LADY.

AND WHERE'D YOU MEET THIS "NICE
LADY"? AT A SWEDISH MASSAGE PARLOR?

OR DID YOU ANSWER ONE
OF THEM ADS IN THE PAPER?

"LONELY YOUNG WOMAN WANTS TO
MEET SILLY OLD MAN? OBJECT: RIP-OFF."

DON'T TALK LIKE THAT
ABOUT MRS. EDWARDS.

SHE'S A NICE LADY,
AND SHE'S GOT CLASS.

MRS. EDWARDS MIGHT HAVE
CLASS, WHAT YOU GOT TO

WORRY ABOUT IS WHETHER
MR. EDWARDS HAS A GUN.

THERE AIN'T NO MR. EDWARDS.
SHE'S DIVORCED. I

DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT. I'M GOING TO BED.

NO, YOU DON'T. YOU AIN'T
GOING TRAIPSING OFF TO BED...

AND HAVE ME SIT DOWN HERE
WORRYING ABOUT YOU HALF THE NIGHT.

NOW WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS SOMETHING
SERIOUS, OR WHAT? YES, THIS IS SERIOUS.

I'M IN LOVE WITH
HER. I THINK THIS IS IT.

OH, NO. OH, YES.

IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT JUST
HAPPENS TO YOUNG PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

OLD FOLKS GOT FEELINGS. AND
OLD FOLKS GOT PLENTY OF FEELINGS.

JUST BECAUSE A PRUNE IS WRINKLED
DON'T MEAN THAT IT AIN'T TASTY.

WELL, WHO IS THIS
OLD PRUNE ANYWAY?

- I'M TALKING ABOUT ME.
- YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE
AN OLD PRUNE ALL RIGHT.

WELL, SHE LIKES IT.
IN FACT, SHE SAID I WAS

THE NICEST GUY SHE EVER
MET IN HER WHOLE LIFE.

[ Laughing ] SHE MUST
OF HAD A HARD LIFE.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS IF YOU'RE
GONNA MAKE FUN OF THE WOMAN AND EVERYTHING.

OKAY, POP. ALL
KIDDING ASIDE, NOW.

NOW WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
WHAT ABOUT DONNA?

AREN'T YOU ENGAGED
TO THE BARRACUDA?

YES, I'M ENGAGED TO
HER. SO WHAT? SO WHAT?

YOU GAVE HER THE ENGAGEMENT
RING. WHAT ABOUT THAT?

- WELL, I'LL ASK HER
TO GIVE IT BACK TO ME.
- WHAT IF SHE DOESN'T?

WELL, THEN I'LL TELL HER SHE'S GOT TO
KEEP MAKING THE PAYMENTS HERSELF.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THIS. I REALLY DON'T.

I DON'T, I DON'T. YOU COME IN
HERE... YOU COME IN HERE SINGING.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU. AND I
DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS WHOLE THING.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL TRY TO
UNDERSTAND IT. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

WHAT ABOUT WHEN-WHEN
ELIZABETH TAYLOR LEFT EDDIE FISHER...

FOR RICHARD BURTON?

WHAT ABOUT WHEN INGRID BERGMAN LEFT HER
HUSBAND FOR THAT ITALIAN FELLOW, MUSSOLINI?

IT WAS ROSSELINI. AND ANYWAY,
THOSE PEOPLE ARE IN SHOW BUSINESS.

WELL, THE JUNK BUSINESS IS LIKE
SHOW BUSINESS. IF I GOT SOME JUNK,

I GOTTA SHOW IT, ELSE
I'M OUT THE BUSINESS.

THEN THIS WHOLE THING IS
SETTLED, HUH? WELL, IT'S JUST ABOUT.

SHE'S COMING HERE
TOMORROW. SHE MIGHT AS WELL

COME AND SEE WHAT HER
FUTURE HOME LOOKS LIKE.

REMIND ME TO SPRAY
THE PLACE REAL GOOD.

WELL, WHY? IS SHE
MOVING IN HERE?

NOT SHE, THEY. SHE HAS
TWO LITTLE CHILDREN.

MRS. EDWARDS IS YOUNG ENOUGH TO HAVE LITTLE
CHILDREN? WHAT'S HER FIRST NAME, LOLITA?

WELL, JACKIE AND ONASSIS DID IT.

SO, JUST SAY THAT WE'RE
ANOTHER JACKIE AND ONASSIS.

LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER
ON SOME GREEK ISLAND.

THE OLD PRUNE AND HIS
YOUNG TOMATO LIVING ON FIGS.

LISTEN, YOU WANT TO HEAR
MORE ABOUT HER OR NOT?

IF YOU DON'T, I CAN DRINK MY
BEER UPSTAIRS. OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I WANNA KNOW ALL
THE SORDID DETAILS.

NOW, WHEN DID YOU
MEET HER ANYWAY?

I MET HER ABOUT A MONTH
AGO IN RUBY'S BAR AND GRILL.

SEE, I WAS SITTING AT THE BAR ON ONE END,
AND SHE WAS SITTING DOWN AT THE OTHER END.

AND-AND-AND THE BARTENDER HAD JUST
BROUGHT HER ONE OF THEM DRAFT BEERS?

AND SHE WAS LICKING THE FOAM
TRYING TO CATCH IT, YOU KNOW,

BEFORE IT GOT OUT
ON THE COUNTER.

A-AND WE LOOKED
UP AT THE SAME TIME.

AND IT WAS AS THOUGH NO ONE
ELSE WAS IN THE WHOLE ROOM.

I CAN BELIEVE THAT.

SHE PROBABLY CLEARED THE
PLACE LAPPING UP BEER ON THE BAR.

LISTEN, I GOT ACQUAINTED WITH HER AND
WE FOUND OUT THAT WE WERE BOTH LONELY.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD... I
THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THE IDEA OF ME...

HAVING SOME FEMALE
COMPANIONSHIP IN MY WANING YEARS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? YOU
WANNA KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

THE SMELL OF NAIL POLISH AND
COLD CREAM ALL OVER THE PLACE.

THE WASH BASIN ALWAYS
FULL OF STOCKINGS AND

STRETCH PANTS HANGING
ALL OVER THE BATHROOM.

- YOU LIKE THAT?
- I LOVE IT.

YEAH. IT'S BETTER THAN
THE SMELL OF FOOT POWDER...

AND YOUR SWEAT SOCKS HANGING
OVER THE SHOWER CURTAIN.

AND YOU SAY SHE'S GOT LITTLE CHILDREN?
THAT'S WORSE THAN HAVING A DOG.

YOU GONNA BE STEPPING IN PEANUT
BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES ALL DAY.

YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND, DO YOU? I
SAID THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TOLD YOU...

'CAUSE I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT
SHE WAS GOING TO ACCEPT ME.

BUT SHE DID. YEAH.
SHE ACCEPTED ME.

I-I REALLY THOUGHT THAT YOU'D LIKE THE
IDEA OF ME HAVING A FEMALE COMPANION.

BECAUSE THAT WAY YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT ME AT NIGHT, LEAVING ME BY MYSELF.

AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING A
FEMALE COMPANION. THEY VERY IMPORTANT.

YOU IMPORTANT, TOO, SON. BUT WHAT I
MEAN IS, YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO,

YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINK IT'S A
BAD IDEA, THEN I'LL GIVE HER UP.

- WHAT?
- YEAH. I'LL GIVE HER UP.

I MEAN, YOU'RE MY ONLY SON, LAMONT,
BUT, I KNOW I OWE YOU SOMETHING.

AND I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE.
BUT, I'LL GIVE HER UP IF YOU SAY THE WORD.

I LOVE HER, BUT I'LL GIVE HER UP FOR
YOU IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE HER.

I'LL QUIT HER. 'CAUSE
I LOVE YOU TOO.

I LOVE HER, BUT
I'LL GIVE HER UP.

I LOVE HER.

LOOK... LOOK, POP, I
WAS ONLY KIDDING.

IF YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED TO SOME
YOUNG CHICK, GO AHEAD, YOU GOT MY BLESSING.

YOU REALLY MEAN THAT? SURE.

YOU SAY SHE'S COMING HERE TOMORROW
NIGHT? SHE'S COMING TO MEET YOU.

AND, AND THEN YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I THINK I'LL TAKE HER
SOMEWHERE NICE FOR DINNER.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, LISTEN, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING. I'M GONNA BE NICE TO HER.

NOW, YOU BETTER GO TO BED, BECAUSE
IT'S GETTING LATE. YEAH. OKAY, SON.

AND THANKS AN AWFUL
LOT, HEAR? THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, POP, IF SHE'S GOT HAIRS
ON HER CHIN, I'M NOT KISSING HER.

WHY YOU ALWAYS SAYING
THAT KIND OF STUFF?

OH. [ Mumbles ]

♪ HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS ♪

♪ WHEREVER YOU ARE ♪

♪ I HOPE YOUR TROUBLES ARE FEW ♪

WHAT IS THAT? IT'S A
WIG. WHAT IT LOOK LIKE?

IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG,
BLACK BRILLO PAD.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING THAT
RIDICULOUS THING FOR ANYWAY?

BECAUSE IT COVERS THE GRAY, AND
IT MAKES ME LOOK YOUNGER. [ Laughing ]

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE
GRAY ON YOUR CHIN?

YOU GONNA SHAVE THAT
OFF, OR DIP IT IN CLAIROL?

LISTEN, IF YOU GONNA MAKE A
BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, I WON'T WEAR IT.

GOOD.

WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF ME?
HOW DO I LOOK? YOU LOOK FINE.

LET ME STRAIGHTEN YOUR TIE.
THERE'S NO FIDDLIN' AROUND HERE.

HOW ABOUT THE HOUSE? THE HOUSE
LOOK OKAY? THE HOUSE LOOKS FINE. RELAX.

AND IT SMELLS ALL RIGHT? IT SMELLS
GREAT... LISTEN, I THINK YOU NEED A DRINK.

YEAH, A DRINK. THAT'S ALWAYS
A GOOD IDEA. [ Knocking At Door ]

IT'S HER. IT'S MISS
EDWARDS. WOULD YOU RELAX?

YOU'RE GONNA BE DEAD
BEFORE THE HONEYMOON.

NOW, YOU BE NICE TO HER,
SON. DIDN'T I TELL YOU I WOULD?

YEAH, AND I APPRECIATE
EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE FOR ME.

GO LET THE WOMAN IN. SHE'S
GETTING OLDER BY THE MINUTE.

AND THANK YOU, SON.
AND POUR US SOME DRINKS.

OH, GOOD EVENING, FRED.

GOOD EVENING, UH, JUDY,
MISS EDWARDS. COME IN.

UH, UH, JUDY, THIS
IS MY SON, LAMONT.

LAMONT, THIS IS
MISS JUDY EDWARDS.

- HOW DO YOU DO, LAMONT?
- HI.

HEY, THIS IS A CELEBRATION. POUR THE
DRINKS THERE, SON. LET'S CELEBRATE.

DRINKS? YEAH, DRINKS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?

I'M SORRY, POP. POUR THE
DRINKS HERE. [ Glasses Clink ]

SAY, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT
A MINUTE. THAT'S MY DRINK.

- YOU ALREADY HAD YOURS.
- SORRY, POP. YOUR DRINK.

THANK GOODNESS. WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

OH, NOTHING. IT'S JUST THAT, WELL, I
WAS EXPECTING SOMEBODY A LITTLE OLDER.

WELL, I TOLD YOU SHE WAS YOUNG.

OH, I'M NOT THAT YOUNG. I'M 36.

WELL, SIT DOWN, JUDY. THIRTY-SIX?
THAT AIN'T THAT BIG A DIFFERENCE.

I READ ABOUT BIGGER
DIFFERENCES THAN THAT.

YOU KNOW THAT ARTIST,
WHAT HIS NAME, "PISTACHIO"?

PICASSO.

YEAH. YEAH, HIM. I MEAN, HE MARRIED A
GIRL IN HER 20s, AND HE DAMN NEAR 100.

A HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND
HE MARRIED A YOUNG GIRL.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT SURPRISED YOU, HUH,
SON? ME HAVING A PRETTY GIRL LIKE JUDY.

YOUNG THING. YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN? YOU LOOK LOVELY TONIGHT, JUDY.

OH, THANK YOU, FRED. YOU
LOOK VERY HANDSOME YOURSELF.

- I DO, DON'T I?
- YES. IS THAT A NEW SUIT?

WELL, SORT OF.

SEE, LAMONT PICKED IT OUT FOR
ME AFTER THE JANUARY WHITE SALE.

SEE, HE GOT THIS AT THE
FEBRUARY BLACK SALE.

WELL... GUESS I'LL CALL
ON THE PHONE. HUH?

I'M GONNA MAKE A PHONE CALL. I'M CALLING
A TAXI TO COME. YOU'RE TAKING A CAB?

YEAH. THERE ARE ONLY
TWO REASONS WHY YOU

TAKE A CAB. THAT'S ON
YOUR ENGAGEMENT NIGHT,

AND IF SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE
A BABY, AND I AIN'T HAVIN' NO BABY.

LISTEN, POP, LET ME
CALL THE CAB FOR YOU.

OH, WELL, THANKS, SON. AND
DON'T CALL NO WHITE CAB COMPANY,

BECAUSE, SEE, AS SOON AS YOU GIVE 'EM
THE ADDRESS, THEY HANG UP IN YOUR FACE.

HEY, THE PHONE. IT'S DEAD.
THERE'S NO SOUND. WHAT?

LISTEN, UM, WHY DON'T
YOU GO NEXT DOOR...

AND-AND-AND-AND CALL
FROM OUR NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE,

AND I CAN STAY HERE
AND KEEP JUDY COMPANY.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT PHONE
IS DEAD, 'CAUSE I KNOW I PAID THE BILL.

WELL, IT HAPPENS LIKE THAT. YOU STAY
HERE AND GET ACQUAINTED WITH JUDY.

YEAH. INTRODUCE YOURSELF
TO YOUR FUTURE MOTHER. YEAH.

YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY, ISN'T
SHE? BYE, JUDY. I'LL BE BACK.

[ Both Laugh ]

JUDY. IT'S BEEN A LONG
TIME. LAMONT. TEN YEARS.

OH, LAMONT. WHAT
ARE WE GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT WE BETTER
THINK OF SOMETHING FAST... MOM.

I KNEW IT WAS YOU THE
MINUTE I TURNED AROUND.

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED.
YOU LOOK THE SAME.

NEITHER HAVE YOU,
EXCEPT FOR THE MUSTACHE.

I STARTED GROWING THIS RIGHT
AFTER WE STOPPED SEEING EACH OTHER.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
IT WAS LIKE THERAPY.

SAY, UH, WHEN YOU MET MY FATHER, DIDN'T
YOU KNOW WHOSE HOUSE HE WAS COMING TO?

WELL, NO. I MADE NO CONNECTION
BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

AND BESIDES, YOU DIDN'T CALL
YOURSELF LAMONT THEN, REMEMBER?

WHAT? NO. YOUR NAME
WAS JAY RUPEREAUX.

UH...

WHAT A MESS. IF ONLY
I HADN'T TAKEN THAT

DUMB TRIP BACK TO ST.
LOUIS WITH MY OLD MAN.

LAMONT, WHY DIDN'T
YOU WRITE TO ME?

I DID. I WROTE YOU EVERY DAY.

- I DIDN'T GET
NOT ONE LETTER FROM YOU.
- IT WAS YOUR MOTHER.

SHE STOLE THOSE LETTERS.
SHE ALWAYS HATED ME.

SHE DIDN'T HATE YOU. SHE
DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA,

ME MARRYING SOMEONE
FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.

SHE SAID WHEN I GOT
TO BE 50, YOU'D BE 45.

A MAN IN THE PRIME OF HIS
LIFE, MARRIED TO AN OLD WOMAN.

YEAH, WELL, I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT
FOR YOU TO MARRY AN OLD MAN.

YOUR FATHER'S ONLY 59.59?

THAT'S WHAT HE TOLD ME. HE'S 65, AND
HE'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS HEART.

WAIT TILL HE TRIES TO SLIP THE RING
ON YOUR FINGER WITH HIS ARTHRITIS.

JUDY, WHY DIDN'T
YOU WAIT FOR ME?

WELL, WHEN I DIDN'T HEAR FROM YOU, I
THOUGHT YOU HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME.

SO I STARTED GOING WITH LEE
STU EDWARDS. STU EDWARDS?

YOU MARRIED HIM, "STU THE P-U"?

WELL, HE WAS DOING WELL. HE WAS
A GROOM AT SANTA ANITA RACETRACK.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY
THEY CALLED HIM THE "P-U."

DID HE SLEEP STANDING UP LIKE THE
REST OF THE HORSES? STU EDWARDS.

WELL, HE DID LOVE THE HORSES MORE THAN
ME. A FEW YEARS AGO, WE WERE DIVORCED.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW? I
MEAN, YOU CAN'T MARRY MY FATHER NOW, JUDY.

NOT NOW. WELL, I
CAN'T BACK OUT NOW.

WHY, I COULDN'T HURT HIM. HE'S A
KIND, SWEET MAN. HE'S ALSO AN OLD MAN.

BY THE TIME YOU'RE READY FOR
SOCIAL SECURITY, HE'LL BE 100.

DID YOU EVER SEE A 100-YEAR-OLD
MAN SITTING IN A BATHTUB?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HOLD ON TO HIM TO KEEP
HIM FROM GETTING SUCKED DOWN THE DRAIN.

WELL, LAMONT, WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO? BUT YOU CAN'T LOVE HIM.

I DON'T. BUT HE KNOWS
IT. WHAT YOU DOING IT FOR?

SO THAT WHEN HE DIES,
YOU'LL INHERIT HIS ESTATE?

TAKE A GOOD LOOK
AROUND YOU, JUDY. THIS IS IT.

WHEN HE DIES, ALL
OF THIS IS YOURS.

LAMONT, IT'S BEEN VERY DIFFICULT
FOR ME SINCE MY HUSBAND LEFT.

AND I GET NOTHING FROM HIM.

IN A FEW YEARS, I'LL BE 40.

AND A 40-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WITH CHILDREN
JUST DOESN'T GET THAT MANY OPPORTUNITIES.

ALL RIGHT, MARRY
ME. W-WHAT? WHAT?

WELL, WHY NOT? I'M CLOSER
TO YOUR AGE THAN HE IS.

OH, I COULDN'T. BUT YOU COULD
MARRY HIM AND BECOME MY MOTHER?

LISTEN, THE FIRST TIME
YOU CAME UPSTAIRS TO

TUCK ME IN, HE'D KNOW
SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I HAD TO CALL THREE CAB
COMPANIES BEFORE I FINALLY GOT ONE.

ONE GUY WANTED ME TO PUT A
DEPOSIT UP FOR HIS HUBCAPS.

SAY, UH, HOW'D YOU TWO
GET ALONG? ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH, JUST SWELL, POP.
- THAT'S GREAT, 'CAUSE,
YOU KNOW,

THAT WAS WORRYING ME, IS WHETHER
YOU TWO WOULD GET ALONG ALL RIGHT.

- BUT YOU LIKE HER,
DON'T YOU, SON?
- YEAH, SHE'S WONDERFUL.

YOU BET SHE'S WONDERFUL. SHE IS
WONDERFUL. I GUESS I'M LUCKY TOO.

I GOT A GOOD SON, AND I'M GOING
TO HAVE ME A NICE, YOUNG WIFE.

WHAT ELSE DO I NEED? A
DOG, MAYBE. BUT NOT REALLY.

UH, LISTEN, POP. THERE'S
SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY TO YOU, SEE.

YEAH, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANTED TO
DO. I WAS GOING TO DO IT IN THE RESTAURANT,

BUT EVERYTHING IS GOING
SO NICE, I GUESS I'LL DO IT NOW.

UH, HERE, JUDY.

YOU LIKE IT? I HOPE SO. BECAUSE,
SEE, IT'S SOMETHING I HAD IN STOCK.

IT'S AN ANTIQUE RING.
A-A-AND LISTEN, JUDY,

IF YOUR FINGERS START TURNING
GREEN, I MEAN, DON'T LET THAT BOTHER YOU.

'CAUSE IT JUST MEANS... IT MEANS YOU
GOT TOO MUCH CALCIUM IN YOUR FINGER.

- YOU LIKE IT?
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL. NOW, FRED...

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD REALLY MAKE THIS
PERFECT? IF LAMONT WAS GETTING MARRIED TOO.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHAT ABOUT IT,
SON? WHAT ABOUT A DOUBLE WEDDING?

WE COULD GET OUR PICTURE
IN GERTRUDE GIBSON'S COLUMN.

WOULD YOU LISTEN
TO ME FOR A SECOND?

WELL, LOOK, HERE'S WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU WANT TO TELL US WHAT YOU'RE
GETTING US FOR A WEDDING PRESENT.

OKAY, SON. WE'RE READY.
SHOOT. WHAT YOU GETTING US?

POP, THIS IS PROBABLY THE HARDEST
THING THAT I'VE EVER HAD TO SAY TO YOU.

POP, JUDY AND I...
LAMONT. LAMONT, NOT NOW.

NO, I'VE GOT TO TELL HIM. HE'S GOTTA
KNOW. POP, JUDY AND I ARE LOVERS.

BUT... I WASN'T GONE
BUT FIVE MINUTES.

NOT NOW. THIS IS SOMETHING
THAT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO.

JUST BEFORE WE TOOK
THAT TRIP BACK TO ST. LOUIS.

I FELL IN LOVE HER, AND I
WANTED TO MARRY HER THEN.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? IT'S TRUE.
MY MOTHER WAS AGAINST IT.

YEAH, SHE THOUGHT I
WAS JUST ANOTHER YOUNG

PUNK LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
OLDER TO SUPPORT ME.

WELL, THAT PART AIN'T CHANGED.

WELL, LISTEN, JUDY, DIDN'T
YOU KNOW THIS WAS MY SON?

I MEAN, THERE AIN'T THAT MANY
SANFORDS AROUND. YES, BUT YOU SEE,

I DIDN'T KNOW HIM AS SANFORD,
HE HAD ANOTHER NAME THEN.

WHO'D HE TELL YOU
HE WAS? SUPER FLY?

NO. JAY RUPEREAUX.
YEAH, HE LOOK LIKE ONE.

ANYWAY, POP, WE NEVER SAW
EACH OTHER AGAIN UNTIL TONIGHT.

AND I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
NOTHING'S CHANGED. I STILL LOVE HER.

AND DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM?

WELL, THERE IT IS.

THAT WAS A SHORT
ENGAGEMENT, WASN'T IT?

I'M SORRY, POP. BUT,
LISTEN, I HAD TO TELL YOU.

I COULDN'T LET YOU MARRY
HER WITHOUT KNOWING.

THAT WOULDN'T HAVE
BEEN FAIR, WOULD IT?

- YEAH, SURE.
- LISTEN, BUT WE CAN ALL
BE ONE BIG, HAPPY FAMILY.

IT'S JUST THAT SHE'LL BE
MARRIED TO ME INSTEAD OF YOU.

IT'LL BE THE SAME. SHE'LL JUST BE
IN A DIFFERENT ROOM, THAT'S ALL.

NO, I'LL JUST MOVE ON OUT. I'LL GO
TO A BOARDING HOUSE, GET ME A ROOM.

SEE, I CAN COME
BACK HERE AND DO MY

COORDINATING, AND I'LL
SLEEP SOMEPLACE ELSE.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. NOW
THIS IS OUR HOUSE. I

BELONG HERE. YOU BELONG
HERE. WE BOTH BELONG.

EXCUSE ME. UH-UH, FRED,
LAMONT... EXCUSE ME, JUDY.

THIS IS FAMILY, PLEASE? DON'T
GET IN THIS. IT'S FAMILY. FAMILY.

JUST STAY OUT OF
THIS. NOW, POP. WE BOTH

BEEN LIVING IN THIS
HOUSE FOR OVER 30 YEARS.

NOW IF YOU MOVED OUTTA HERE, YOU
WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE NO PLACE ELSE.

AND THIS HOUSE WOULDN'T
BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT
TOMORROW. RIGHT NOW,

I'M GETTING ME A HOT
TODDY AND GOING TO BED.

W-WAIT JUST ONE
MINUTE NOW, POP. SON...

THE THING I WANT TO
IMPRESS UPON YOU IS THIS...

JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE, POP.
IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT, SON.

ME BEING HERE IN THIS HOUSE
ALONE WITH YOUR WIFE, COORDINATING.

IT'S ALL MY FAULT. I NEVER
SHOULD HAVE SAID NOTHING.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN
THE ONE TO LEAVE. I

SHOULD HAVE LEFT AND
THEN COME BACK ONE DAY,

LOOKED IN THE WINDOW AND
SEEN HOW HAPPY THE TWO

OF Y'ALL WAS, LIKE IN
THE MOVIE STELLA DALLAS.

THAT WOULDN'T WORK OUT EITHER.
'CAUSE AS SOON AS SHE CALLED ME LAMONT...

OR JAY RUPEREAUX, I'D
KNOW SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I'LL JUST MOVE OUT. I CAN'T LET YOU DO
THAT, POP, BUT WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

I KNOW. I'M GONNA GO
OUT THERE AND TELL HER

SHE'S GOTTA GO THROUGH
WITH THE ORIGINAL PLANS.

- NO, WAIT A MINUTE. DON'T TELL HER THAT.
- JUDY!

JUDY? JUDY?

HEY, HERE'S A NOTE AND
THE RING YOU GAVE HER.

WHAT'S THE NOTE SAY? SAYS SHE DOESN'T
WANT TO SEE US SPLIT UP ON ACCOUNT OF HER.

THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO COME BETWEEN US...

BECAUSE IT WON'T WORK OUT
BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED.

WHAT DOES SHE MEAN BY THAT? I
DON'T KNOW. I BETTER CANCEL THIS CAB.

- SAY, THE PHONE'S
WORKING AGAIN.
- HUH? OH, GOOD.

[ Horn Honking ] IT'S TOO
LATE, POP. CAB'S HERE.

SAY, LISTEN, I GOT TWO-TWO
RESERVATIONS FOR A CHINESE RESTAURANT.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?
SHALL WE GO? WHY NOT?

AIN'T NO REASON TO SIT
AROUND HERE MOPING.

HEY, WE'LL BE RIGHT OUT!

HEY, POP, WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE MEANT
BY THIS, "BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY MARRIED"?

IT BEATS ME, SON.
WELL, YOU READY TO GO?

YEAH, I'M READY.
LOOK AT YOUR TIE.

STOP FOOLING AROUND, WILL YOU?

LISTEN, HAVE YOU GOT THE KEYS?
WELL, COME ON. I GOT THE KEYS.

WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME GET MY GLASSES.
WHAT DO YOU NEED GLASSES FOR?

WE'RE GOING TO A
RESTAURANT TO EAT.

WE'RE GOING TO A CHINESE
RESTAURANT, AIN'T WE?

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SEE IF ANY OF THAT
CHINESE FOOD IS MOVING ON THE PLATE.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO WAIT FOR
YOU? EVERY TIME WE GO SOMEPLACE,

I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO WAIT
FOR YOU... YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAIT.

[ Arguing Continues ]

WHEW. THAT WAS SOME
GOOD DINNER, WASN'T IT, POP?

YOU BETCHA. THAT
CHOW MEIN WAS TERRIFIC.

YEAH, IT WAS REALLY GOOD. YEAH.

I WISH... I WISH THEM WAITERS
THOUGH WOULDN'T SAY, "FLIED LICE."

ANYWAY, THAT DINNER HELPED YOU
TO FORGET ABOUT JUDY, DIDN'T IT?

ABOUT WHO?

SEE HOW QUICK I FORGOT JUDY?

I BET IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF YOU
HAD GONE TO DINNER WITH HER INSTEAD OF ME.

YEAH, IT WOULD. I'D
OF HAD TO LEAVE A TIP.

[ Laughing ] YEAH, AND
RIGHT AFTER DINNER...

RIGHT AFTER DINNER,
SHE WOULD HAVE STARTED

PUTTING ON HER MAKEUP
RIGHT THERE AT THE TABLE.

THEY ALWAYS GET LIPSTICK
ON THEIR TEETH AND

ON THE GLASS, YOU KNOW
WHERE THEY DRINK OFF.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE THEY DO? THEY
HOLD A NAPKIN UP IN FRONT OF THEIR MOUTH,

AND SO THEY DON'T THINK PEOPLE KNOW
WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH THAT OTHER HAND.

AND THEY'LL BE PICKING
THEIR TEETH LIKE THIS. UH-HUH.

UH-HUH. AND YOU KNOW
WHAT ELSE GETS TO ME? HUH?

WHEN THEY SAY THEY GOTTA GO TO
THE POWDER ROOM TO PUT ON A NEW FACE.

YEAH, AND COME BACK 15 MINUTES
LATER LOOKING THE SAME WAY.

HEY, POP, IF WOMEN GOT
ALL THESE BAD QUALITIES,

HOW COME YOU CHASE
AFTER THEM LIKE YOU DO?

WELL, SON, YOU KNOW WHAT THE BIBLE
SAYS, THAT WOMAN WAS MADE FROM A RIB.

NOW, I CAN LIVE WITHOUT A LOT OF
THINGS, BUT I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT RIBS.

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.