Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 1 - By the Numbers - full transcript

LAMONT!

LAMONT!

LAMONT! WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT MY BREAKFAST!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I SAID I WANT MY BREAKFAST!
WOULD YOU WAIT A MINUTE?

NOW WHAT IS ALL
THIS YELLING ABOUT?

I'M YELLING ABOUT MY BREAKFAST.
YOU CAN MAKE IT SUPPER NOW.

WOULD YOU JUST TAKE IT EASY? I
WAS UPSTAIRS MAKING THE BEDS, POP.

I ONLY GOT TWO HANDS.
I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN.

WELL, I AIN'T GOT BUT ONE STOMACH
AND IT AIN'T DOING TOO GOOD.

SAY, WAIT A MINUTE. LISTEN.



WILL YOU GO OUT AND SEE IF THE
PAPER'S BEEN DELIVERED? YEAH.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT PAPER?
WE DON'T GET NO PAPER.

WE CANCELLED OUR
SUBSCRIPTION, REMEMBER?

WELL, THE PEOPLE NEXT DOOR
GET A PAPER AND I READ IT FIRST.

I'M NOT GONNA STEAL SOMEBODY
ELSE'S NEWSPAPER FOR YOU.

THAT'S NOT STEALING. I JUST
GET IT, READ IT, FOLD IT BACK UP...

AND PUT IT BACK IN
FRONT OF THE HOUSE.

WHAT ABOUT THAT LIFE
MAGAZINE I FOUND LAYING

AROUND HERE WITH OUR
NEIGHBOR'S ADDRESS ON IT?

NOW THAT'S STEALING. IT SURE IS.

AND I'M NOT GOING TO GO OUT THERE AND
STEAL SOMEBODY ELSE'S PAPER FOR YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT. I DON'T NEED
NOTHING. I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

WHY DIDN'T YOU LEAVE ME THERE
TO DIE WHEN I FELL OFF THAT TRUCK?

'CAUSE YOU WASN'T
HURT BAD ENOUGH TO DIE.



ALL YOU HAD WAS A SEVERE
ATTACK OF CLUMSINESS.

CLUMSINESS? IT'S THAT SUDDEN STOP
YOU MADE TRYING TO DUCK THAT CAT.

YOU KNOW I WAS ON THE BACK OF THAT
TRUCK TRYING TO HOLD ONTO THAT JUNK.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I
HAVE TO TELL YOU, POP?

A CAT RAN IN THE STREET, AND I JAMMED
ON THE BRAKES SO I WOULDN'T HURT HIM.

YEAH, SAVE A CAT
AND KILL YOUR FATHER.

IT WAS INSTINCT. WHAT
WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?

WELL, IN THE FIRST PLACE,
I'D OF THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

"IT'S EITHER THE
CAT OR MY FATHER."

THEN I'D ASK MYSELF TWO
QUESTIONS: "CAN THE CAT COOK?

CAN THE CAT DO COORDINATING
IN A JUNKYARD?" NO.

OKAY, CAT, YOU DIE.

YOU LOVE CATS, AND YOU KNOW IT,
POP. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

BESIDES, IT'S BETTER THIS
WAY. YOU'RE BOTH ALIVE.

YEAH, I'M ALL BUSTED UP, AND THAT CAT'S
SOMEWHERE HAPPY IN A GARBAGE CAN.

LISTEN, DO YOU WANT YOUR BREAKFAST, OR
YOU WANT TO KEEP TALKING THIS NONSENSE?

I WANT MY BREAKFAST,
LUNCH AND DINNER.

THAT'S THE LEAST YOU
CAN DO FOR ME, CAT LOVER.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING WE GOT TO TALK
ABOUT, POP. IT'S NOT GONNA WORK THIS WAY.

WHAT? ME DOING ALL THE
HOUSEWORK AND TAKING CARE OF YOU.

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
TO THE BUSINESS?

YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK TO WORK,
HUH? ME WITH ONE LEG AND ONE ARM.

OLD FRED, THE
CRIPPLED COORDINATOR.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO BACK TO
WORK. BUT I GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK.

I GOTTA GET BACK ON THAT TRUCK.

AND LEAVE ME HERE TO
DIE, THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

OKAY, THEN PROP ME UP IN FRONT
OF THE TV. THAT'S ALL YOU DO.

THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO GO. SITTIN'
THERE WATCHING DAYS OF OUR LIVES.

WOULD YOU STOP THIS AND LISTEN TO
ME? I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU HERE ALONE.

I CALLED UP AUNT ETHEL AND ASKED
IF SHE'D COME OVER AND HELP US OUT.

ETHEL? I DON'T WANT HER AROUND HERE. SHE'S
A LOUSY COOK. AND HER HANDS ARE SWEATY.

WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH?
NOW, AUNT ETHEL CAN'T MAKE IT.

SO I CALLED THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY AND
I ASKED IF THEY'D SEND US A HOUSEKEEPER.

- YOU MEAN A MAID?
- SOMEBODY THAT DOES HOUSEWORK.

ALL THE STUFF THAT I'VE BEEN
DOING SO I CAN GET BACK TO WORK.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE
ME HERE WITH A STRANGE WOMAN?

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- WHAT IF SHE'S A SEX MANIAC?

I WOULDN'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT IF I WERE YOU.

OH, YOU DON'T THINK
IT COULD HAPPEN, HUH?

ME BEING CHASED AROUND
THE HOUSE BY SOME WEIRDO.

IT CAN HAPPEN ALL RIGHT, BUT
YOU'D BE THE ONE DOING THE CHASING.

WELL, I DON'T CARE. I DON'T WANT
NOBODY AROUND HERE ANYHOW. NO MAIDS.

ALL RIGHT. THEN I GOT ONE
OTHER SUGGESTION. WHAT?

YOU GO INTO A NURSING
HOME. A NURSING HOME?

WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO SEE ME
NO MORE, THEN SEND ME TO A NURSING HOME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU
DON'T KNOW ABOUT NURSING HOMES?

THEY'RE MEAN IN NURSING
HOMES. THAT'S RIGHT.

SAM TURNER'S FATHER WAS IN
ONE. HE TOLD ME. HE TOLD YOU WHAT?

HE TOLD ME THEM NURSES ARE MEAN. HE ASKED
THE NURSE TO HELP HIM TO THE BATHROOM,

AND EVERY DAY SHE HELPED
HIM TO THE BATHROOM.

AND SHE GOT MAD ONE NIGHT AND TOOK
HIM IN THE BATHROOM AND BEAT HIM UP.

- OH, COME ON, POP.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

AND NOW, THE ONLY TIME HE GO TO THE
BATHROOM IS WHEN HIS SON COMES TO VISIT.

ONCE A WEEK.

SUNDAY, BETWEEN 2:00 AND 4:00.

- AND YOU BELIEVE THAT?
- YEAH, I BELIEVE IT.

SO, IF YOU DON'T NEVER WANT TO SEE
NO MORE, SEND ME TO A NURSING HOME...

AND SIT THERE AND WAIT FOR A
TELEGRAM TO COME SAYING, "FRED IS DEAD."

ALL RIGHT, POP, BUT WE
GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT ON THAT TRUCK IN
OVER TWO DAYS. WHY DON'T YOU WORK NIGHTS?

YOU MEAN GO THROUGH THE ALLEY
OF A WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD AT NIGHT?

DO YOU EVER WANT
TO SEE ME AGAIN?

WELL, IF YOU HADN'T TRIED TO SAVE
THAT OLD CAT, WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS FIX.

YEAH. WISH I'D HAVE BEEN DRIVING
THAT TRUCK. IT'D BEEN ANOTHER STORY.

YEAH, I KNOW. THE STORY WOULD
HAVE BEEN, "CAT KILLER STRIKES AGAIN."

[ Knocking On Door ]

I HOPE THAT'S THE WOMAN
FROM THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.

LET HER COME ON IN AND
ATTACK ME WHILE I'M TAKING A NAP.

AUNT ETHEL. HELLO, LAMONT.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T
MAKE IT. I CAN'T. I JUST THOUGHT...

I'D STOP BY AND
SEE HOW YOU DOING.

WELL, FRED SANFORD. YOU
ARE A SIGHT. JUST LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LOOK
RIDICULOUS. [ Laughing ]

ETHEL, I FELL OFF A TRUCK.
WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

EXCUSE ME, AUNT
ETHEL. [ Chuckling ]

FRED... FRED, HOW
COULD YOU BE SO CLUMSY?

- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
- CLUMSY. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN CLUMSY.

I REMEMBER THE DAY YOU MARRIED MY SISTER,
YOU STUMBLED ON THE WAY TO THE ALTAR.

THAT WASN'T NO STUMBLE,
THAT WAS A HESITATION.

I HAD TO HESITATE WHEN I TOOK A LOOK AT
YOU AND THE REST OF ELIZABETH'S FAMILY.

DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY FAMILY.

I'LL TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

YOUR FAMILY WAS THE
UGLIEST FAMILY IN DETROIT.

THEN Y'ALL MOVED TO ST. LOUIS
AND TOOK OVER THE CHAMPIONSHIP.

DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY
FAMILY AND MY DEAD SISTER.

YOUR DEAD SISTER
IS MY DEAD WIFE.

NOW, DON'T YOU COME HERE AND
TRY TO BREAK UP MY MARRIAGE.

I SAID IT FOR YEARS. "GET
HIM OUT OF THE JUNK BUSINESS.

LET HIM GET A RESPECTABLE
JOB. LIKE MY ALEX."

YOUR ALEX GOT A RESPECTABLE
JOB? YOU KNOW HE HAS.

HE WORKS IN A BANK. HE
MOPS FLOORS AT THE BANK.

ALEX IS A FLOORWALKER.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID. IF YOU'RE GOING
TO MOP 'EM, YOU GOT TO WALK 'EM.

WELL, JUST LOOK WHO'S TALKING.

YOU DON'T WANT TO
BETTER YOURSELF.

YOU JUST WANT TO STAY
HERE IN THIS JUNKYARD...

AND KEEP THAT SON OF YOURS TIED
TO YOUR APRON STRINGS FOREVER.

YOU ARE A SELFISH MAN.

ETHEL, HOW'D YOU LIKE
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?

YOU KNOW, I GOT ONE ARM FREE, AND
I'LL GIVE YOU ONE ACROSS YOUR LIPS.

- YOU BETTER NOT TRY.
- IF I WASN'T CRIPPLED,
I WOULD.

IF YOU WEREN'T CRIPPLED,
I'D MAKE YOU ONE.

ETHEL, LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING.

IF YOU AIN'T OUT OF HERE BY
THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE,

I'M GONNA TAKE THIS CRUTCH AND WRAP
IT AROUND YOUR HEAD SO MANY TIMES...

YOU'LL THINK YOU'RE
WEARING A WOODEN TURBAN.

ALL I CAN SAY IS FALLING OFF
THAT TRUCK SERVES YOU RIGHT.

NOW YOU GOT A FOOT OUT OF
COMMISSION AND A HEAD TO MATCH.

I WARNED YOU!

WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHERE'D AUNT ETHEL GO?

SHE HAD TO HURRY, SON. SHE
HAD A CRUTCH FOLLOWING HER.

WHAT? NOTHING. SIT DOWN.

WHAT? YOU KNOW I DON'T
LIKE MY EGGS SUNNY-SIDE UP.

WELL, HOW DO YOU WANT 'EM? OVER.

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT DO
YOU MEAN, WHAT IS THAT?

THOSE ARE EGGS. THOSE ARE YOUR
EGGS. LOOK LIKE FRIED CALVES LIVER.

ALL RIGHT, SO THEY GOT
A LITTLE OVERCOOKED.

OVERCOOKED? SON, THESE
EGGS HAVE BEEN CREMATED.

I MEAN, BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL,
BUT NOT WHEN IT COME TO EGGS.

LISTEN, ARE YOU GOING TO
START COMPLAINING AGAIN?

NOW, IT'S ENOUGH THAT I'VE GOTTA
DO ALL THE STUFF AROUND HERE...

AND TAKE CARE OF YOU WITHOUT
HEARING YOUR COMPLAINING.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THOSE EGGS, YOU CAN
LIMP IN THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOUR OWN.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. I'LL EAT
'EM. BUT REMEMBER THAT OLD SAYING,

"YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT."

SO, I GUESS I'LL MAKE AN ASH
OUTTA MYSELF. YOU GET THAT?

[ Laughing ] THAT WAS
GOOD, WASN'T IT?

SEE, I MAKE AN
ASH OUT OF MYSELF,

SO I PUT THE ASH... I
KNOW. DRINK YOUR COFFEE.

LISTEN HERE. SON, THESE EGGS,
I DON'T KNOW, BUT... [ Smacks Lips ]

WOW. SON, ONE THING I CAN SAY,
YOU MAKE A GREAT CUP OF COFFEE.

THAT'S COCOA.

[ Knocking At Door ]

I HOPE THAT'S THE WOMAN FROM THE
EMPLOYMENT AGENCY. THAT'S GOTTA BE HER.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO
GIVE HER NO TROUBLE.

AND DON'T LET HER GIVE ME
NO TROUBLE. LET THE FIEND IN.

HI, I'M FROM THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.
YOU CALLED FOR A HOUSEKEEPER?

[ Lamont ] EXCUSE
ME FOR A MOMENT.

SHE'S WHITE. I CAN SEE THAT.

LOOK AT THEM BEADY EYES.
A SURE SIGN OF A SEX MANIAC.

[ Clattering ] [ Woman Humming ]

WELL, I FINISHED UPSTAIRS.
I TELL YOU, MR. SANFORD,

YOU KNOW WHAT I ALMOST SAID
WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS PLACE?

I ALMOST SAID, "WHAT
HIT IT, HURRICANE AGNES?"

[ Laughing ]

I TELL YOU, THAT UPSTAIRS
WAS A DISASTER AREA.

[ Loud Sigh ] MIND
IF I SIT DOWN?

NO, SIT DOWN. MM-HMM.

MIND IF I SMOKE? NO.
JUST DON'T BURN US DOWN.

[ Laughs ] YEAH. OH, BOY.

A FIVE-MINUTE REST WILL
DO ME A LOT OF GOOD.

I HAD TO WAIT 45 MINUTES
FOR MY BUS THIS MORNING.

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. AND THERE'S
NO BENCH AT THE BUS STOP, YOU KNOW?

THEN AN HOUR'S RIDE HERE. WHOO. I STOOD
UP PART OF THE WAY. MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

[ Exhales Loudly ]

SAY, MARY, UH, BET YOU DON'T
TAKE TOO MANY JOBS LIKE THIS, DO YA?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, COMING
ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE...

TO WORK FOR, UH,
FOR BLACK PEOPLE.

MONEY'S GREEN. A JOB'S
A JOB. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE.

[ Chuckles ] YEAH. I'M
GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY...

BECAUSE SOME OF MY
BEST FRIENDS ARE WHITE.

YEAH?

YEAH, A FELLOW DOWN THE
STREET NAMED GOLDSTEIN.

HE'S A JUNK DEALER.
HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

AND, UH, FUNNY THING,

GOLDSTEIN IS NOT
ONLY WHITE, HE'S JEWISH.

IS THAT SO? YEAH.

WE ATE TOGETHER ONCE.

OH, I THINK THAT'S
WONDERFUL. YEAH.

A-A-AND, SOMETHING ELSE, MARY. I
WOULDN'T WANT NOBODY TO HEAR ME SAY THIS,

BUT, I THINK JACK DEMPSEY
COULD HAVE BEAT JOE LOUIS. DO YA?

YEAH. NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG. JOE
WAS GOOD, BUT JACK WAS A REAL SLUGGER.

REAL FIGHTER. AND OUTSIDE
THE RING, A REAL GENTLEMAN.

YES, SIR. REAL GENTLEMAN.
A CREDIT TO HIS RACE.

THAT'S NICE. WELL, COFFEE BREAK'S
OVER. BETTER GET BACK TO WORK.

YEAH. SAY, MR. SANFORD,
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?

YEAH, I'M FINE. MUST
GET TIRED SITTING THERE.

ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?
ANYTHING YOU NEED? NOTHING AT ALL.

SAY, WHY DON'T I GIVE YOU A NICE
ALCOHOL RUB? THAT'D MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

MARY. MARY, WOULD YOU GET
ME SOMETHING COLD TO DRINK?

OH, SURE. I'D BE GLAD
TO. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

WHY DON'T YOU LOOK IN THE
REFRIGERATOR AND SEE WHAT WE GOT? OKAY.

YOU GOT A COKE AND
SOME ICE WATER. WHAT?

A COKE AND SOME ICE WATER.
OKAY. I'LL TAKE THE COKE.

[ Glass Shattering ] I'LL
TAKE THE ICE WATER.

THAT COKE BOTTLE SLIPPED RIGHT
OUT OF MY HANDS. IT'S ALL RIGHT, MARY.

I'M SO CLUMSY. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING OF.

DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU MAD WHEN
SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS?

I DIDN'T DO IT ON
PURPOSE. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU WANT ME TO PAY FOR IT, I'LL
PAY FOR IT. MARY, MARY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY
FOR NOTHING. OH, OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A
REST? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NO, NO, NO. NOT OVER
THERE. OVER HERE.

YEAH. SEE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
DOING SOMETHING EVERY MINUTE, MARY.

YEAH? OKAY. YOU KNOW, JUST
TAKE A LITTLE SECOND REST THERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M NOT A SLAVE DRIVER.

YEAH, WELL, I DIDN'T SLEEP
VERY WELL LAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, THIS HAS BEEN KIND OF A
HARD DAY ON ME. YEAH, FEELS GOOD.

I KNOW HOW IT IS. YOU HAVE TO GET UP
EARLY IN THE MORNING AND GET DRESSED.

HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE MAYBE. GO
DOWN TO THE BUS STOP, CATCH THE BUS.

IT'S CROWDED, YOU GOT TO PUSH
AND SHOVE, HAVE THE EXACT CHANGE.

[ Snoring ] BY THE TIME YOU GET
WHERE YOU'RE GOING YOU GOT TO BE...

[ Snoring ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

MARY. MARY. [
Ringing Continues ]

[ Pitcher Clatters On
Floor ] WHAT IS IT?

THE PHONE, MARY.

DON'T TELL ME I DROPPED OFF. I
AM SORRY. I'LL GET IT. DON'T WORRY.

HELLO. HELLO. THEY HUNG UP.

WELL, MARY, FROM NOW ON, CAN'T YOU
TRY TO GET THE PHONE WHILE IT'S RINGING?

AND... YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN? ONE OTHER THING, MARY.

UH, SEE, PEOPLE CALLING HERE, THEY AIN'T
USED TO A WOMAN ANSWERING THE PHONE.

SO, COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING
DIFFERENT BESIDES JUST HELLO?

- LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, WHAT DO PEOPLE
USUALLY SAY?

YOU CAN SAY,
"SANFORD RESIDENCE."

IF YOU SAY SO.

SAY, LISTEN, I GOT TO GET TO
WORK OUT THERE IN THE KITCHEN.

I'D LIKE TO STAY AND TALK,
BUT I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

WHEW. [ Water Running ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Water Continues ]

[ Ringing Continues ] MARY.

MARY! WHAT? [ Water Off ]

[ Ringing ] PHONE, MARY.

I WAS GOING TO GET IT. I JUST
COULDN'T HEAR WITH THE WATER RUNNING.

- YEAH, OKAY.
- HEL... I MEAN,
SANFORD RESIDENCE.

WHO? MAN WANTS
TO SPEAK TO A FRED.

- I'M FRED. WHO IS IT?
- WHO IS IT?

BUBBA. WHAT'S A BUBBA?

BUBBA. THAT'S A FRIEND
OF MINE. I'LL GET IT. OH.

YEAH. HE'S COMING. JUST WAIT
A MINUTE, BUBBA. YEAH, HOLD ON.

CAN I HELP YOU? YOU WANT
TO LEAN ON ME? ALL RIGHT.

NOW, LISTEN, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT
THERE IN THE KITCHEN IF YOU NEED ME.

HELLO. OH, HI, BUBBA.

OH, NO. THAT'S THE LADY
THAT'S WORKING FOR US.

NO, NO, NO. NOTHING
LIKE THAT, BUBBA.

IF I WAS WELL ENOUGH TO DO THAT, I'D
BE WELL ENOUGH TO BE BACK AT WORK.

NO, BUBBA. LISTEN, I
GOTTA HANG UP, BUBBA.

HER NAME IS MARY. MARY! WHAT?

NO, NOT YOU, MARY. I
THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME.

NO, BUBBA. NO,
SHE'S NOT A SISTER.

GOOD-BYE, BUBBA. THAT WAS BUBBA.
HE THOUGHT YOU WERE MY SISTER.

BUBBA'S NOT TOO BRIGHT.
NO, HE'S ABOUT MY COLOR.

LET ME PUT THIS CUSHION UNDER
YOUR ELBOW, IT WILL GIVE YOUR...

OH, WAIT. DOGGONE IT, I'M
DROPPING EVERYTHING. I'M SO CLUMSY.

HI, POP. HI, MARY. HOW'S
EVERYTHING GOING?

EVERYTHING'S FINE,
SON. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

MARY AND I WERE HAVING A
LITTLE CHAT, WEREN'T WE, MARY?

YEAH, WE'VE BEEN HAVING THE NICEST
VISIT. I BETTER GET BACK OUT THE KITCHEN.

YEAH, MARY, NICE TALKING TO
YOU. WE'LL TALK AGAIN LATER ON.

HEAR, MARY? SON, WE GOT
TO GET RID OF MARY. WHAT?

- YEAH, WE GOT
TO GET RID OF MARY.
- ISN'T SHE DOING HER WORK?

SHE DON'T DO NOTHING, AND SHE'S
BREAKING MY VALUABLES AND STUFF.

- THEN SHE TOOK A NAP.
- SHE TOOK A WHAT?

TOOK A NAP ON THE COUCH. WE CAN'T
HAVE OUR NEIGHBORS COMING HERE,

THINKING A WHOLE BUNCH
OF STUFF WHEN THEY SEE

THAT UGLY WHITE WOMAN
ASLEEP ON OUR COUCH.

OH, SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS. YOU WANNA
GET RID OF HER 'CAUSE SHE'S WHITE.

I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S PLAID, I
DON'T WANT HER AROUND HERE.

WELL, ISN'T SHE COOKING
DINNER? DO YOU SMELL ANYTHING?

I'M TELLING YOU, SON,
LET'S GET RID OF HER.

GET RID OF HER? POP, IF WE GET RID
OF HER, WHO'S GOING TO COOK DINNER?

YOU, DUMMY. MARY, CAN
I SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU? UH...

MARY, WHAT ARE WE
HAVING FOR DINNER?

DINNER? WAS I SUPPOSED TO COOK
DINNER? YEAH, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.

NOBODY TOLD ME THAT. YOU SEE, I'M
NOT A COOK. I'M JUST A HOUSEKEEPER.

IF YOU WANT A COOK, YOU
HAVE TO SPECIFY "COOK."

BUT I COULD DO SOMETHING
FOR YOU? WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

WHAT CAN YOU COOK?
WELL, DO YOU LIKE MUTTON?

DO I LIKE WHAT? MUTTON.
DO YOU LIKE BOILED MUTTON?

DOES ANYBODY?

[ Clears Throat ] WELL,
DO YOU LIKE PIZZA?

- PIZZA, HEY.
- HEY, CAN YOU MAKE PIZZA?

NO, ISN'T THERE A PLACE
AROUND HERE THAT DELIVERS?

AND WHEN YOU ORDER, MAKE
MINE WITHOUT ANCHOVIES.

I NEVER LIKED ANCHOVIES.
THEY'RE JUST TOO SALTY.

SAY, POP? WHAT'LL
I TELL HER? WHAT?

- TELL HER SHE'S FIRED.
- YOU CAN'T DO IT THAT WAY. THAT'S MEAN.

LISTEN, YOU GOTTA
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.

YOU KNOW, TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER,
ANYTHING. AND THEN YOU GET INTO IT.

WELL, HOW ABOUT, "WE SURE
COULD USE SOME RAIN. YOU'RE FIRED."

YOU'RE A BIG HELP. I
GUESS I BETTER GO TELL HER.

GO ON AND TELL HER.

TELL HER.

SAY, POP, LET'S BOTH TELL HER.
MARY, CAN WE SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE?

WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR, DUMMY?

THE PIZZA COME YET?

UH, NO, NO, NO. NOT YET.
THAT ISN'T WHAT WE WANTED.

UM...

WE-WE SURE COULD USE SOME RAIN.

YEAH. IT'S BEEN DRY LATELY. I BET
THE FARMERS WISH IT WOULD RAIN.

YEAH. YEAH.

SAY, MARY, IF IT RAINS TOMORROW,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT THAT. I'VE GOT AN UMBRELLA.

MARY, WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY IS, EVEN
IF IT DON'T RAIN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME.

YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME
YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE.

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S
IT. YEAH, THAT'S IT.

BUT, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW WE APPRECIATE
YOUR COMING TO HELP US OUT TODAY.

- I'LL GO NOW THEN.
- SEE, DIDN'T I TELL YOU
HOW EASY IT WAS?

HEY, LISTEN, DID YOU GIVE
HER A KEY TO THE HOUSE?

IF YOU DID, YOU BETTER
GET THE KEY BACK,

'CAUSE SHE MIGHT COME BACK HERE
ONE NIGHT AND TRY TO RIP US OFF.

WELL, I'LL BE GOING NOW. SAY, MARY.
HERE'S THE MONEY FOR COMING TODAY.

FULL SALARY, JUST LIKE I SAID.
AND MY BUS FARE. DON'T FORGET.

I ALWAYS GET BUS FARE. SAY,
LISTEN. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A CAB?

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
- YEAH, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.

BUT YOU PROBABLY LIVE
A LONG WAY FROM HERE.

WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
DO. SO I'LL TAKE IT. THANK YOU.

- DUMMY.
- AND MR. SANFORD,
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT...

WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT,
AND I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.

JOE LOUIS COULD HAVE BEAT
THE HELL OUT OF JACK DEMPSEY.

SAY, WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

DON'T TALK TO ME. I DON'T
WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOTHING.

SAY, WHERE YOU GOING? I'M GOING
IN HERE AND SEE WHAT'S MISSING.

DID YOU SEE THAT SHOPPING BAG?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
POP? WHY WOULD SHE STEAL FROM US?

HABIT. HABIT. THEY
CAN'T HELP THEMSELVES.

IS THERE ANYTHING
MISSING? I DON'T SEE

NOTHING YET. BUT THERE'S
SOMETHING MISSING...

I'LL BET IT.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. WHY WOULD
SHE... NO, IT'S NOT RIDICULOUS.

I BET I'LL FIND OUT
SOMETHING'S MISSING.

SOMETIMES IT TAKES TWO OR THREE
DAYS TO FIND OUT. SHE AIN'T BONDED.

UH-OH. UH-OH. LOOK AT THIS SCOTCH. SEE
THAT MARK I PUT ON THERE THIS MORNING?

AND LOOK AT HOW FAR DOWN IT IS.
AND YOU KNOW WHY? MARY THE GUZZLER.

OH, LOOK AT THIS. YOU SEE THAT MARK
THERE? I PUT THAT THERE LAST NIGHT.

NOW IT WASN'T MARY THE GUZZLER,
IT WAS FREDDY THE BOOZER.

[ Phone Ringing ]

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE
ACCUSING SOMEBODY OF STEALING.

HELLO. WHO DO YOU
WANT TO SPEAK TO?

YEAH, HE'S HERE. IT'S FOR YOU.

WHO IS IT? I DON'T KNOW.

HOLD IT UP. YOU KNOW I'M
CRIPPLED. HELLO? OH, SHE JUST LEFT.

IT'S THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY
CALLING ABOUT MARY. HELLO.

OH, YES. SHE'S A
FINE WORKER. YEAH.

NO, WE WON'T BE NEEDING HER
ANYMORE. OH, SHE WAS. SHE WAS VERY NICE.

YES, AND HONEST AND
CLEAN. AND CLEAN AND HONEST.

AND HONEST. UH-HUH.

YEAH. OH, SHE WORKED OUT FINE.

MADE A NICE BED AND COOKED
A GREAT BOILED MUTTON.

SURE WILL. WELL, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD-BYE.

GOOD-BYE. TAKE IT DOWN.

SAY, POP, HOW COULD YOU SAY
THAT AFTER WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

IT'S EASY. LET SOMEBODY ELSE
FIND OUT HOW BAD SHE REALLY IS.

WHERE YOU GOING? I'M GOING OUT
HERE AND SEE IF THE TRUCK IS MISSING.

WELL, SO LONG, POP.
WHERE YOU GOING?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHERE AM
I GOING?" I'M GOING TO WORK.
- AND LEAVE ME HERE ALONE?

LISTEN TO ME. NOW, I JUST FINISHED
MAKING THE BEDS, I FIXED YOUR BREAKFAST,

YOUR LUNCH IS ON A
PLATE IN THE REFRIGERATOR

AND THERE'S NOTHING
YOU NEED ME HERE FOR.

WELL, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE ALL
ALONE AND BY MYSELF. I'M HELPLESS.

WHAT IF A BURGLAR BROKE IN? AND YOU KNOW,
THEY NEVER DID CATCH THAT ZODIAC KILLER.

WHERE YOU GOING?
WHO YOU CALLING?

I'M CALLING THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY TO
SEE IF MARY'S AVAILABLE TO COME OVER TODAY.

MARY! LOOK HERE, PUT THAT
PHONE DOWN. DON'T CALL UP MARY.

SO YOU'RE NOT SO
HELPLESS AFTER ALL.

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.