Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Piano Movers - full transcript

Fred and Lamont accept an offer from a rich high-society socialite to move his piano out of his apartment. Lamont is dedicated to the getting the job done, but Fred spends most of his time snooping around the man's apartment and making wisecracks about the possibility that he might be a homosexual. The man, who keeps walking in and out of the apartment, takes pity on Fred who, from his point of view seems to be doing all the work. Finally, when the piano becomes wedged in the front door, Lamont gets fed up with the man's negative attitude and decides to leave it there.

[ Door Buzzing ]

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU THE GENTLEMAN
THAT LEFT THIS CARD ON MY TRUCK?

YES. I DIDN'T SEE YOU AROUND
WHEN I CAME HOME A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

I HAVE AN ITEM IN HERE I THINK YOU
MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN. COME IN.

AH, AH, AH.

WHAT? WHAT SIZE
SHOE DO YOU WEAR?

WHAT SIZE... NINE AND A HALF. WHAT'S
THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

HERE. PUT THESE ON.

I CAN'T STAY LONG. I GOT
TO GET BACK TO WORK.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S THE CARPET.

IT'S ANTIQUE PERSIAN.
IT'S VERY VALUABLE.



SO WOULD YOU PUT THESE
ON, PLEASE? ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I GOT TO
PUT ON SLIPPERS FOR. AH, AH, AH.

NOT ON THAT CHAIR.
IT'S A CHIPPENDALE.

IT'S VERY VALUABLE,
VERY DELICATE.

AH, AH, AH.

NOT ON THE WALLPAPER.

IT'S FRENCH. HAND-BLOCKED.
VERY DELICATE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY GAMES.

IF YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SELL, BRING
IT OUT HERE AND LET'S GET IT OVER WITH.

YOU WAIT RIGHT HERE.
I'LL BRING YOU A CHAIR.

WHAT KIND OF NUT IS THIS?

AH, AH, AH.

HERE YOU ARE.

IS IT ALL RIGHT FOR ME TO
STEP DOWN IN THE SLIPPERS?



OH, YES, OF COURSE. I
WOULDN'T WANNA WEAR 'EM OUT,

IN CASE THEY'RE
VALUABLE AND DELICATE.

WELL, JUST DON'T BRUSH UP
AGAINST ANYTHING AND KNOCK IT OVER.

LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT THIS.
I'LL... YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S TAKEN ME A LONG TIME
TO COLLECT ALL THESE THINGS.

I'M JUST A LITTLE
NERVOUS ABOUT THEM.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME
THAT. I'M A COLLECTOR MYSELF.

AND WHERE DO YOU THINK
I LIVE, IN A PACKING CRATE?

WELL, EXCUSE ME.
WILL YOU FOLLOW ME?

SAY, LISTEN, ARE YOU SURE IT'S
ME YOU WANNA DO BUSINESS WITH?

WE GO IN FOR ANTIQUES, SURE,
BUT MOSTLY OUR BUSINESS IS JUNK.

I KNOW. BUT I WANT
YOU TO TAKE THIS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH IT?
THERE'S NOTHING THE MATTER WITH IT.

I JUST WANT IT OUT OF HERE. I DON'T
KNOW WHY. IT LOOKS GREAT IN THIS ROOM.

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE. I WANT IT OUT OF HERE.

IT WAS MY WIFE'S.
OH, DID SHE DIE?

NO. UNFORTUNATELY.

SHE'S NO LONGER HERE. I DON'T WANT
ANYTHING OF HERS IN HERE EITHER.

WELL? WHAT DO YOU
SAY? WHAT DO I SAY?

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT?

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FOR
IT. I JUST WANT IT OUT OF HERE.

YOU MEAN FOR
NOTHING? THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, SEE, I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THAT.

IF YOU WERE TO CALL UP
A PIANO MOVING OUTFIT,

THEY WOULD CHARGE YOU A PRETTY
GOOD PENNY TO GET THIS OUT OF HERE.

BUT I'M LETTING YOU HAVE IT
FOR NOTHING. YOU CAN SELL IT.

YOU JUST TRY AND
SELL A PIANO TODAY.

PIANOS ARE OUT. YOU KNOW
WHAT'S IN? GUITARS. THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, LOOK, UM...

I WAS READING AN ARTICLE IN EBONY
JUST TODAY. DO YOU READ EBONY?

- NO.
- WHY NOT? I READ LIFE.

- WELL, LISTEN...
- I WAS READING THIS ARTICLE IN EBONY,

AND IT WAS GOING ON TO SAY THAT
THE GUITAR BUSINESS IN THIS COUNTRY...

HAS SHOT SKY HIGH,
BUT PIANOS, THAT'S...

I'LL GIVE YOU TEN
DOLLARS TO TAKE IT AWAY.

- YOU MUST BE CRAZY.
- I'LL GIVE YOU 15.

FIFTEEN? I GOT A PARTNER.
HOW WE GONNA SPLIT 15 DOLLARS?

I'LL GIVE YOU 20. YOU DON'T WANT TO
DO IT FOR THAT, I'LL GET SOMEBODY ELSE.

I'LL TAKE THE 20.

I SHOULDN'T, THOUGH, 'CAUSE
I CAN GET HURT ON THIS JOB...

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY INSURANCE.

TWENTY DOLLARS.
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL HAVE
TO GO GET MY PARTNER.

WE'LL BE BACK THIS AFTERNOON.

IN THE MEANTIME, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO GIVE THAT PIANO TO ANYBODY ELSE.

I WON'T. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

[ Door Buzzing ]

SAY, LISTEN, LAMONT, ME AND YOU
CAN'T MOVE NO PIANO. THAT'S HEAVY WORK.

BESIDES, I GOT A SACROILIAC.

SAY, POP, EVERYBODY'S
GOT A SACROILIAC.

YEAH, BUT NOT LIKE MINE.

SEE, YOU WASN'T IN THE
WAR. YOU WASN'T WOUNDED.

ARE YOU GONNA START THAT
AGAIN? WHAT WAR WERE YOU EVER IN?

WORLD WAR II. I
NEVER GOT OVER IT.

STAGGERING UNDER
THAT 40-POUND PACK.

YOU KNOW YOU NEVER
LEFT FORT DIX, NEW JERSEY.

AND THE ONLY PACK THAT EVER
MADE YOU STAGGER WAS A SIX-PACK.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?

DO YOU WANNA DO THIS JOB OR
DON'T YOU? IF YOU DO, STOP TALKING.

IF YOU DON'T, WE'LL
JUST GO HOME. I'LL DO IT.

ALTHOUGH IT'LL HURT
MY BACK, I'LL DO IT.

IT'S GONNA HURT MY
BACK, BUT I'LL DO IT.

[ Buzzing ] I DON'T CARE IF IT
DOES HURT MY BACK. I'LL DO IT.

WELL, WE'RE BACK. THIS
IS MY PARTNER. COME IN.

DO YOU THINK YOU'LL
BE ABLE TO MANAGE?

HE LOOKS A LITTLE OLD TO BE DOING
HEAVY WORK LIKE MOVING A PIANO.

THAT'S WHAT I TRIED TO TELL HIM.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL TAKE
MOST OF THE STRAIN.

SEE, IT'S MY BACK. HASN'T
BEEN THE SAME SINCE THE WAR.

YOU WERE IN THE WAR. YEAH,
THE BIG ONE. WORLD WAR II.

PARATROOPER. JUMP
BEHIND GERMAN LINES.

BUT I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

[ Speaking German ]

DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT?
I'VE BEEN TELLING HIM THAT ALL DAY.

MY SON DON'T LIKE
TO HEAR WAR STORIES.

SON? YOU BROUGHT
YOUR FATHER TO HELP YOU?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I'M
GONNA DO MOST OF THE LIFTING.

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT SHOULDN'T HE BE RETIRED?

YOU'D THINK SO AFTER ALL I DID
FOR MY COUNTRY AND MY SON.

WHY DO YOU MAKE
HIM WORK LIKE THIS?

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I WON'T
BE DOING IT MUCH LONGER.

ANY DAY NOW,

I'LL BE GOING TO JOIN
MY WIFE ELIZABETH.

- WOULD YOU STOP THAT.
- SEE, IT'S SANFORD AND SON NOW.

BUT WHEN I'M GONE, THE
BUSINESS WILL ALL BE HIS ALONE.

IT'LL BE DUMMY, INCORPORATED.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT DUMMY, INCORPORATED?

I BROUGHT YOU UP
HERE TO MOVE THIS PIANO.

THIS MAN DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT OUR PERSONAL BUSINESS.

GENTLEMEN! I DON'T
WANT ANY SCENES HERE.

ARE YOU UP TO THE JOB OR
AREN'T YOU? I TOLD YOU WE COULD.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON,
POP. LET GET THIS THING.

AH, AH, AH. WHAT'S
OH, YEAH. THE MATTER?

WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR?

GO ON. TELL HIM WHAT
SIZE SHOE YOU WEAR.

I WEAR A TEN. WHAT
WE GONNA DO, DANCE?

IT'S THE CARPET. IT'S ANTIQUE.

WITH THOSE HEAVY BOOTS, YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO WALK ON AN OLD PERSIAN CARPET.

WITH THESE HEAVY BOOTS,
I'LL WALK ON A OLD PERSIAN.

HERE.

SORRY. THIS IS ALL
I HAVE IN SIZE TEN.

WHO WORE THESE LAST,
THE THIEF OF BAGHDAD?

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FIND
THESE PEOPLE. AH, AH, AH.

IT'S THE CHAIR. IT'S A
CHIPPENDALE. NOT FOR SITTING.

YOU OUGHT TO GET A SEARS
ROEBUCK. THEY'RE MADE FOR SITTIN'.

AH, AH, AH. THE WALLPAPER.
IT'S FRENCH. VERY DELICATE.

YOU STAY RIGHT HERE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WHAT'S HE DOING WITH ALL
THESE SLIPPERS AROUND HERE?

HE DON'T WANT NOBODY
TO WALK ON HIS OLD RUGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK HE'S A FRUITCAKE.

OR MAYBE JUST A PLAIN FRUIT.

WOULD YOU STOP IT.

WHAT'S HE DOING HOME THIS
TIME OF DAY IN THAT FRUITY ROBE?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO I CARE?

'CAUSE HE'S FRUITY.
WHERE'S HIS WIFE?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU,
POP, THEY'RE SEPARATED.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

HIS GUESTS DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
WHERE THEY GONNA LEAN OR SIT OR WALK.

THEY JUST FLY AROUND THE ROOM.

LISTEN TO ME. I DON'T CARE ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS MAN'S PERSONAL LIFE.

WE'RE HERE TO MOVE A PIANO.

WELL, YOU JUST KEEP AN EYE ON
HIM AND WATCH HIS SHOULDERS.

THAT'S HOW YOU CAN TELL.
WATCH HIS SHOULDERS.

HERE YOU ARE. SEE THAT?

SEE? SEE WHAT? NOTHING.

I WAS TALKING TO HIM.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME HELP?

- NO, I DON'T WANT NO HELP.
- WELL, I'LL LEAVE
YOU TWO ALONE.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
YOU JUST CALL ME.

SAY, LISTEN. JUST A MOMENT.

- WILL YOUR WIFE
BE COMING AROUND TODAY?
- MY WIFE AND I ARE SEPARATED.

WAIT A MINUTE. COME HERE.

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU TWO?

I DON'T THINK THAT CONCERNS YOU.

ONE MORE QUESTION. THE
REASON WHY I ASKED YOU...

'CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE
GET SEPARATED NOWADAYS.

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT THE REASON WAS.

EXCUSE MY FATHER. HE'S GOT A HABIT
OF POKING HIS NOSE IN PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.

IF YOU REALLY MUST KNOW, OUR MARRIAGE
WASN'T WORKING, SO WE SEPARATED.

NOW I HAVE A WHOLE NEW WAY OF
LIFE WHICH I PREFER. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT I WANNA ASK
YOU ABOUT. COME HERE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANNA ASK YOU,
ABOUT THAT WHOLE NEW WAY OF LIFE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHAT ARE
YOU ASKING PEOPLE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR?

THAT'S EMBARRASSING. WE
BETTER GET ON OUT OF HERE...

'CAUSE THIS PLACE
MIGHT GET RAIDED.

BECAUSE I'M TELLIN'
YA, THAT GUY IS...

WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT? IF THIS
PLACE GETS RAIDED WHILE WE'RE HERE,

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TELL 'EM
THAT WE CAME TO MOVE A PIANO.

IN THESE?

WE GOT A JOB TO DO. LET'S
JUST DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH.

HEY, LAMONT. HUH?

THIS IS A NICE APARTMENT HERE. I
WONDER HOW MUCH THE RENT IS.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT
MAKE? YOU COULD NEVER LIVE HERE.

SUPREME COURT SAID I COULD
LIVE ANYWHERE I WANT TO.

YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER GET THE
SUPREME COURT TO PAY YOUR RENT.

COME ON OVER HERE AND
LET'S GET THIS STARTED.

LOOK HERE. HERE'S HIS CHECKBOOK.
WOULD YOU PUT THAT BACK.

LOOK HERE. $320
TO MRS. MARTINSON.

- THAT MUST'VE BEEN HIS WIFE.
- POP, PUT THAT DOWN.

AND $100 TO DUANE HUDSON.

I BET I KNOW WHO DUANE IS.

GET AWAY FROM THERE. JUST GET...

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING? NO. I WAS JUST PUTTING...

COME ON, SON. WE GOT TO
MOVE THIS PIANO OVER HERE.

WELL, YOUR FATHER
SEEMS WILLING TO WORK.

YEAH. I ALWAYS SAY IF YOU GOT A
JOB TO DO, DO IT AND GET IT OVER WITH.

EXACTLY. TOO BAD THE YOUNG PEOPLE
TODAY DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THAT.

YEAH. YOU GOT ANY KIDS? NO.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

[ Ringing ] EXCUSE ME.

HELLO. OH, HELLO, DARLING.

[ No Audio ]

[ No Audio ]

[ Speaking French ]

I WANT TO TAKE THIS IN THE OTHER
ROOM. WILL YOU HANG IT UP FOR ME, PLEASE?

OUI, SENOR.

I SPEAK ALL THAT. I LEARNED
THAT OVERSEAS IN THE ARMY.

YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING OLD...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SHH, SHH.

WOULD YOU PUT... GET
AWAY FROM HERE. HUSH.

GIVE ME THIS PHONE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
DID YOU HEAR HIM SAY “DARLING”?

I CAN SWEAR IT WAS A MAN'S
VOICE ON THE OTHER END.

ARE YOU GONNA GET
STARTED ON THIS JOB OR NOT?

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

I BET THAT WAS
DUANE ON THE PHONE.

HEY, LAMONT, LOOK HERE.

THIS IS THE KIND OF
CIGARETTE THEY SMOKE.

WOULD YOU PUT THAT DOWN.

“MY GOODNESS.”

I'D SURE WOULD LIKE TO
BE HERE SATURDAY NIGHT...

WHEN DUANE AND ALL THE REST
OF THE GUESTS BE AROUND HERE...

SMOKING THESE CIGARETTES AND
SITTIN' AROUND IN THEIR SLIPPERS.

“OH, MY GOODNESS.”

“EXCUSE ME. HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN DOING MANUAL LABOR?”

WOULD YOU PUT THAT DOWN
AND GET OVER HERE. OKAY.

CAN'T TAKE A MINUTE OUT FOR A
FEW... WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I AIN'T LIFTING THIS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT LIFTING THIS?

I AIN'T GONNA RUPTURE
MYSELF FOR NO TEN BUCKS.

POP, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
WE'RE NOT JUST GETTING TEN DOLLARS.

THE MAN IS GIVING US A STEINWAY.

THE MAN IS GIVING US A HERNIA.

YOU WANNA QUIT?
HOW YOU GONNA LIFT IT?

ALL WE GOT TO DO IS PUSH IT.
IT'S ON ROLLERS. JUST WATCH.

JUST GET DOWN HERE,
TRY TO GET THIS...

- NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, EXCUSE ME.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE
STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE.

- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
- HE'S STILL TALKING TO DUANE.

GET OVER HERE. STAY
AWAY FROM THAT PHONE.

WE GOT TO MOVE THIS PIANO.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

YES? WAS THERE
SOMETHING YOU WANTED?

I WAS JUST WONDERING COULD
YOU GIVE ME A DRINK OF SOMETHING.

WELL, HOW ABOUT A GLASS OF MILK?

MILK. NO. THAT'S TOO HEAVY. MY
BAYONET WOUND IN THE INFANTRY.

INFANTRY? I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE IN THE PARATROOPERS.

THAT'S TRUE. WHEN I JUMPED, I LANDED
ON A GUY WHO WAS IN THE INFANTRY...

AND HE HAD HIS BAYONET OUT.

OH. I SEE. MAKE
IT A BEER OR GIN.

BEER. BRANDY.

THAT'S WHAT THE OLD ARMY
DOCTOR USED TO ALWAYS SAY...

BEER WHEN IT'S NEAR,
BRANDY WHEN IT'S HANDY.

- I'LL SEE WHICH I HAVE.
- BEER OR BRANDY...

OR VODKA OR BOURBON.

RUM.

TEQUILA.

YOU GET MORE
RIDICULOUS BY THE MINUTE.

LISTEN. THIS IS WHAT WE'RE
GONNA DO. I'LL LIFT THE PIANO,

AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET
UNDERNEATH IT AND PULL OUT THE CARPET.

YOU CAN'T LIFT NO PIANO. I CAN LIFT IT LONG
ENOUGH FOR YOU TO PULL OUT THE CARPET.

JUST GET DOWN THERE.
IS THAT ASKING TOO MUCH?

NO, NO. GET DOWN
THERE. I'LL LIFT THE PIANO.

YOU LIFT IT UP AND
I'LL PULL THE RUG OUT.

- DON'T LET HIM DO THAT.
- WHAT?

DON'T LET HIM MAKE YOU LIFT THAT
HEAVY PIANO. THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

HERE. HAVE SOME BRANDY.
I BET YOU CAN USE IT.

I SURE CAN. THANK YOU.

HERE'S TO YOU, SON.

LISTEN. YOU BETTER CUT THAT
OUT. YOU JUST BETTER CUT IT OUT.

YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME
LOOK LIKE A HEEL. WHAT DID I DO?

IT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
EVER SINCE WE CAME IN HERE.

YOU'VE BEEN LYING AND SNOOPING AROUND
AND TRYING TO MAKE ME OUT TO BE A RAT.

I WANT YOU TO STOP IT. I
DIDN'T DO NOTHIN' LIKE THAT.

NOW WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S HE DOING TO YOU?
IS HE THREATENING YOU?

EVERYTHING'S ALL
RIGHT. IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T LIKE THE WAY
YOU TREAT YOUR FATHER.

IN FACT, I DON'T
LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE.

YOU BETTER GO. I'M
GONNA GET SOMEBODY ELSE.

WAIT. DON'T DO THAT NOW. HE JUST
LOSES HIS TEMPER EVERY NOW AND THEN.

BUT HE DON'T MEAN IT.
BESIDES, WE NEED THE JOB.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, FOR YOUR SAKE.

I'M DOING IT FOR HIS SAKE ONLY.

YOU DON'T REALIZE WHAT A NICE
OLD GENTLEMAN YOUR FATHER IS.

HE SERVED IN THE ARMY. WORKED HARD.
WHY, HE WAS EVEN WOUNDED AT THE FRONT.

YEAH, AND IN THE STOMACH.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
YOU JUST CALL ME.

I DON'T WANNA TALK TO YOU. I
DON'T WANNA SAY NOTHING TO YOU.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT. JUST MOVE
THIS PIANO. JUST MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.

I'LL DO IT MYSELF. YOU
GONNA TAKE ON A JOB LIKE...

THAT'S IT. LIFT IT ON THIS END
AND KICK IT WITH YOUR FOOT.

COME ON. KICK IT. THERE YOU GO. NOW
MOVE AROUND OVER HERE SOMEWHERE.

THAT'S IT, SON.
IT'S NOT TOO HEAVY.

JUST LIFT IT ON UP THERE
AND KICK IT WITH YOUR LEFT...

NO. PUSH DOWN WHEN YOU KICK IT.

THERE YOU GO.

WHEN YOU GET THIS ONE OVER
HERE, I'LL PULL THE RUG OUT.

THERE YOU GO. YOU GOT IT? EASY
NOW. DON'T DROP IT. THERE YOU GO.

WHEW!

WHEW!

I WONDER WHY HE
DIDN'T COME IN THEN.

HE ALWAYS COMES IN HERE WHEN IT
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE DOING ALL THE WORK.

WELL, WHAT WE GONNA DO NOW?

AS SOON AS I REST A LITTLE BIT,

WE'RE GONNA PUSH IT OVER THERE
BY THE DOOR 'CAUSE IT'LL ROLL NOW.

IT'LL ROLL? YEAH.

LET ME SEE IF IT'LL ROLL.

SHOULD BE EASIER IF IT'LL ROLL.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S MUCH NICER.

I CAN ALMOST DO THIS BY MYSELF.

WELL, YOU DID IT
AGAIN. DID WHAT?

NOTHING. JUST GET... HELP
ME... OVER TO THE DOOR.

WE AIN'T NEVER GONNA GET
THIS PIANO THROUGH THE DOOR.

IT'LL GET THROUGH THERE. HOW
DO YOU THINK THEY GOT IT IN?

YOU THINK THEY BUILT
THE APARTMENT AROUND IT?

WATCH THAT RUG THERE. LISTEN.

ANYTHING THAT GOES
UP, COMES DOWN.

ANYTHING THAT GOES IN, GOES OUT.

THAT'S THE FIRST
RULE OF PHYSICS.

FIRST RULE OF
PHYSICS. THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT MUCH.

WAIT A MINUTE, POP. YOU SEE...

AND THE SECOND RULE
OF PHYSICS... IT'S STUCK.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO TRY TO
GET IT THROUGH THIS WAY.

LISTEN. PULL IT BACK.

PUSH IT. I MEANT TO
BRING IT OVER HERE,

TURN IT ON ITS SIDE AND
GET IT THROUGH SIDEWAYS.

I TOLD YOU ONCE BEFORE.
I AIN'T LIFTING THIS PIANO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIFT IT.
YOU JUST COME OVER HERE,

TURN IT ON ITS SIDE, AND
WE'LL WIGGLE IT THROUGH.

OKAY, BUT... YOU'RE
CERTAINLY TAKING A LONG TIME...

GETTING THIS OUT OF HERE.

YES, WE'RE CERTAINLY TAKING A
LONG TIME GETTING THIS OUT OF HERE.

IF I'D KNOWN YOU WERE GOING TO
TAKE THAT LONG, I WOULDN'T HAVE... AH.

HELLO. OH, HELLO, DARLING.

NO, I CAN'T TALK VERY LONG.
I HAVE SOME PEOPLE HERE...

AND THEY'RE MOVING SYLVIA'S
PIANO OUT. [ Lamont ] WIGGLE IT.

THAT'LL BE THE LAST
OF SYLVIA. [ Both Arguing ]

WHAT SHE EVER NEEDED A
PIANO FOR I'LL NEVER KNOW.

SHE NEVER GOT PAST CHOPSTICKS.

THAT'S IT. TWIST IT. TURN
IT. NOW, WIGGLE IT. PUSH IT.

WAIT. LOOK, LAMONT. I PUSHED
IT AND WIGGLED IT AND TWIST IT.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO
NEXT, THE FUNKY CHICKEN?

STOP TRYING TO BE SO FUNNY
AND JUST PUSH THIS THING IN HERE.

- IT CAME IN HERE. IT'S GOT TO COME OUT.
- IT AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.

YOU'LL NEVER GET IT THROUGH THE
DOOR. THAT'S WHAT I JUST TOLD HIM.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO TAKE THE LEGS OFF.

- THE LEGS DON'T COME OFF.
- HOW DID THEY GET
THE DUMB THING IN?

HOW WOULD I KNOW?
I'M NOT A PIANO MOVER.

- ME EITHER.
- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TAKEN
THE JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE.

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.

I HAD TO BRING IT OVER HERE TO FIND
OUT IF WE'LL GET THROUGH THE DOOR.

OTHERWISE, HOW WOULD I KNOW? IT'LL
COME OUT OF HERE BECAUSE IT CAME IN HERE.

IS THAT YOUR TRUCK
PARKED OUT IN FRONT?

YES, IT IS, OFFICER. YOU
BETTER GET IT OUT OF THERE.

YOU'RE IN A TEN-MINUTE LOADING ZONE,
AND YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR HALF AN HOUR.

WELL... OKAY, AS SOON
AS I MOVE THE PIANO.

NOW. IF YOU DON'T GET IT OUT OF THERE
RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA WRITE YOU A TICKET.

AFTER THAT, I'M GONNA HAVE IT
TOWED AWAY. I HAVE TO MOVE THIS PIANO.

LOOK, FIRST THE TRUCK
AND THEN THE PIANO. OKAY?

OKAY.

YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID. LET'S GO
DOWNSTAIRS AND MOVE THE TRUCK.

- YOU CAN'T LEAVE NOW.
- YOU HEARD WHAT
THAT POLICEMAN SAID.

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAID. I
DEMAND YOU FINISH THE JOB.

LISTEN. I'M SICK OF YOU AND THIS JOB
AND THIS PIANO. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, POP.

EXCUSE ME. WHAT
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

COME ON. COME
ON. PULL IT BACK IN.

WHO? WHO, ME? PULL
IT BACK IN BY MYSELF?

WITH MY BAYONET
WOUND? ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO
DO? I HAVE GUESTS COMING.

GET SOME OF YOUR
GUESTS TO HELP YOU.

I'LL SUE YOU. I'LL SUE YOU BOTH. I'M
GONNA CALL MY ATTORNEY RIGHT NOW.

SAMSON AND SON.
THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT?

NO, IT'S SAMSON AND DELILAH.

I'M SAMSON.

WE GOT A PIANO THAT BELONGS
TO US STUCK IN THE DOOR,

AND THAT GUY'S NEVER
GONNA GIVE US THAT 20 BUCKS.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW? WELL,
WE'LL DO LIKE THEY DID IN THE BIBLE.

YOU KNOW, MOSES WAS BEING
CHASED BY THE EGYPTIANS.

AND HE CAME UPON THE RED SEA AND
HE STUCK HIS ARMS OUT OVER THE SEA,

AND THE SEA DIVIDED.

SO WE GONNA DO LIKE MOSES?
NO, WE GONNA DO LIKE THE RED SEA.

WE'RE GONNA SPLIT. I'M WITH YOU.

SAY, LAMONT. HUH?

YOU KNOW THAT GUY UP
THERE? HE WAS REALLY FRUITY.

STOP THAT, POP.

RIGHT. HE COULD'VE BEEN A NAZI.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DID YOU NOTICE WHEN I MENTIONED
THE WAR, HE STARTED TALKING GERMAN?

“SCHLECKY, SCHLECKY, SCHLECKY.”

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU KNOW,
HITLER WASN'T TOO COOL.

EVERYBODY SAID HE WAS...

YOU REMEMBER THAT
SALUTE? “HI, HITLER.”

COME ON. LET'S GET OUT OF
HERE. OKAY, BUT... HEY, LAMONT.

LOOK. OH, NO. WE LEFT
OUR SHOES UP THERE.

AND I JUST HAD MY HEELS FIXED.

- YOU DON'T WANNA GO BACK
UP THERE, DO YOU?
- I DON'T THINK SO.

THAT GUY WILL ONLY MAKE
MORE TROUBLE FOR US.

YOU MIND WEARING THEM?

I DON'T MIND. LET'S GO.

COMING, DELILAH.

[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

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