Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Barracuda - full transcript

HELLO. MELVIN?
LISTEN. THIS IS LAMONT.

IS MY FATHER OVER AT YOUR PLACE?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

HE'S ALWAYS GOT MY
SUPPER READY FOR ME AT 6:00,

AND HERE IT IS AFTER 8:00,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS.

NO, HE DIDN'T TELL ME
WHERE HE WAS GOING.

OH, NO, THANKS, MELVIN.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. NO...

MELVIN, I DON'T LIKE PIGS' FEET.

OKAY, GOOD-BYE.

[ Sighs ] THANKS FOR A VERY
NICE EVENING, MR. SANFORD.

AND YOU'RE WELCOME, MRS. HARRIS. THANKS
FOR PICKING ME UP AND DROPPING ME OFF.



MY PLEASURE, MR. SANFORD.

I'M SORRY I DON'T HAVE A CAR.

ALL I GOT IS THIS OLD TRUCK,
AND THE SPRINGS ARE GONE,

SO IT WOULDN'T BE TOO
GOOD FOR YOUR BACK.

AND I DON'T HAVE NO SEAT BELT,

SO IT WOULDN'T BE TOO
GOOD FOR YOUR FRONT EITHER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT, MR. SANFORD.

MRS. HARRIS. YES, MR. SANFORD?

ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME THAT WE START
CALLING EACH OTHER BY OUR FIRST NAME?

ALL RIGHT, MR. SANFORD.

I DID IT AGAIN. YEAH.

WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR
FIRST NAME WAS? DONNA.

DONNA. THAT'S
PRETTY. MINE'S FRED. OH.

WAIT A MINUTE.



SIR WALTER RALEIGH.

THANK YOU.

“DONNA” MEANS “LADY,” YOU KNOW.

AND “FRED” MEANS “MAN.”

SO, THAT'S GONNA WORK
OUT JUST RIGHT, AIN'T IT?

YES, IT IS.

HEY, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I
KNEW YOUR NAME WAS DONNA,

BUT I JUST DIDN'T WANNA START CALLING
YOU THAT, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YES, FRED.

UH, FRED? HMM?

DID YOU SPEAK TO YOUR SON
YET? DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT US?

NO, NOT YET. BUT DON'T
YOU THINK YOU SHOULD?

WHAT IF HE OBJECTS TO
OUR GETTING MARRIED?

OH, HE WON'T OBJECT.

IT'S A NICE THING, YOU
AND I GETTING MARRIED.

IT'S LIKE “SEPTEMBER SONG.”

♪ OH, IT'S A LONG LONG WHILE ♪

♪ FROM MAY TO SEPTEM-DECEM... ♪♪

I DONE FORGET.

BUT ANYWAY, YOU
MAY AND I'M SEPTEMBER.

YES. AND IF I WAIT ANY LONGER,

I'LL BE DECEMBER.

BE READY FOR THE DEEP
FREEZE. DON'T SAY THAT, FRED.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY...
YOU'RE AS YOUNG AS YOU FEEL.

YEAH, WELL, I'M 65,

AND PEOPLE SAY I LOOK 55.

AND I FEEL 45.
I'D SETTLE FOR 35.

BUT YOU MAKE ME FEEL 25.

YOU'RE DOING ALL RIGHT.

YOU'RE WHAT WE LADIES
CALL AN ELIGIBLE BACHELOR.

YEAH. I GOT MOST OF MY
TEETH AND SOME OF MY HAIR,

AND I GOT ALL OF
MY SOCIAL SECURITY.

WELL, I BETTER BE GOING. THANKS
AGAIN FOR THE MOVIE. I REALLY ENJOYED IT.

YOU DIDN'T MIND SITTING UP IN THE
FRONT ROW? DIDN'T HURT YOUR EYES, DID IT?

NO, IT WAS FINE.

SEE, IN THIS DAY OF
THE NATURAL HAIRDO,

SEE, YOU CAN'T SEE SITTIN'
BEHIND SOME PEOPLE.

THAT'S TRUE.

OH, DONNA, HERE'S A HALF
A BOX OF THOSE JUJYFRUITS.

YOU TAKE 'EM WITH YOU. YOU
KEEP THEM. TOO MANY CALORIES.

I HAVE TO WATCH MY
FIGURE, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT. AIN'T NO
NEED OF BOTH OF US WATCHING IT.

YOU SAY THE FUNNIEST
THINGS. YOU REALLY DO.

YEAH, I GET OFF A GOODY
EVERY NOW AND THEN.

WELL... WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

DON'T FORGET TO SPEAK
TO YOUR SON. OH, I WON'T.

AND YOU DRIVE CAREFULLY. I WILL.

UH, DRIVE CAREFULLY.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

[ Engine Starting ]

[ Car Drives Off ]

♪♪ [ Humming ]

- HELLO, SON.
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

- I WAS OUT.
- NO FOOLING.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SITTING
ON THAT SOFA ALL THIS TIME.

WHAT ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP
FOR ANYWAY? I TOLD YOU I WAS OUT.

YOU HAD TO PUT ON
THEM CLOTHES TO GO OUT?

YOU GONNA GO OUT, YOU
SUPPOSED TO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES.

YOU WANT ME TO GET
ARRESTED OR SOMETHING?

ALL I KNOW IS THAT
THERE WAS NO SUPPER.

I LEFT YOU SOMETHING
IN THERE ON THE STOVE.

ALL YOU HAD TO
DO WAS HEAT IT UP.

I FIXED YOU SOME
MEAT LOAF AND OKRA.

OKRA? YOU HATE OKRA.

I HATE IT, BUT I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU DID. YEAH.

YES, IT'S SLIMY,
AIN'T IT? RIGHT.

I AIN'T GONNA FIX THAT NO MORE.

POP, I WORK HARD ALL DAY,

AND WHEN I COME HOME, I EXPECT
TO HAVE A HOT MEAL WAITING FOR ME.

NOW, I CAME HOME TONIGHT
AND THERE WAS NONE.

NOW, WHAT DO WE LEARN
FROM THIS LITTLE LESSON?

WE LEARN FROM THIS LITTLE
LESSON THAT BOTH OF US HATE OKRA.

WELL, I EXPECT TO HAVE A
HOT MEAL WAITING FOR ME.

AND YOU ALWAYS HAVE ONE.
THERE WAS NONE TONIGHT.

WELL, HERE. TRY SOME JUJYFRUITS.

I DON'T WANT NO JUJYFRUITS. I WANT
SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA STICK TO MY RIBS.

WELL, THEY DON'T STICK TO YOUR RIBS,
BUT THEY SURE STICK TO YOUR TEETH.

MAY I ASK WHERE YOU'VE BEEN?

I WENT TO THE MOVIES.
THE MOVIES, HUH?

DOWN AT THE PARADISE.

TWO FEATURES. FORTY-NINE CENTS.

TWO WESTERNS. IT WAS A
CLINT EASTWOOD FESTIVAL.

BOTH PICTURES WAS GOOD TOO.

“FISTFUL OF RAIN” AND
“HAT FULL OF DOLLARS.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW LONG DO
YOU THINK I'M GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS?

YOU AT THE MOVIES WITH JUJYFRUITS
AND ME AT HOME WITH OKRA.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? I DON'T DO IT THAT OFTEN.

SUPPER'S BEEN LATE
TEN TIMES THIS MONTH.

WHERE ELSE DO YOU GO DURING
THE DAY, TO A TOPLESS BAR?

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. YOU KNOW
GOOD AND WELL I'M A AVID BAPTIST.

WELL, ALL I KNOW IS THAT ONE OF
THESE DAYS YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP...

AND FIND THAT YOUR ONLY MEANS
OF SUPPORT HAS FLOWN THE COOP.

YOU NOT ONLY WORKING FOR
ME. YOU WORKING FOR YOURSELF.

YEAH, BUT I COULD DO A LOT
BETTER IF I WAS ON MY OWN.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- I KNOW SO.

WELL, SON, MAYBE I HAVE
BEEN HOLDING YOU BACK.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO ON OUT
AND DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO...

'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA
HOLD YOU BACK, HONEST.

I KNOW THAT, POP.

LISTEN. I GOT TEED OFF 'CAUSE THERE
WAS NO SUPPER, SO LET'S FORGET IT.

NO, WE CAN'T FORGET
IT. SEE, TONIGHT...

WELL, I MEAN TO SAY...

WHEN I WENT TO THE
MOVIES, I DIDN'T GO ALONE.

I WENT WITH A LADY.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

WHO GOES TO THE MOVIES
ALONE DURING THE DAY?

GUYS THAT ARE OUT
OF WORK AND WINOS.

- BUT YOU NOT LISTENING.
- I AM LISTENING TO YOU, POP.

YOU WENT TO THE MOVIES WITH A
WOMAN. YOU SAW A DOUBLE FEATURE.

YOU BOUGHT SOME JUJYFRUITS
AND YOU FORGOT ABOUT MY SUPPER.

I BLEW UP. BUT I'M SORRY. IT'S
ALL OVER NOW. LET'S FORGET IT.

NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
LET'S DON'T FORGET IT.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS,

THIS LADY THAT WENT
TO THE MOVIES WITH ME...

YEAH?

WELL, I'M GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.

- YOU KIDDING ME.
- SEE,

THEY TOOK INTERMISSION AND EVERYBODY
WENT OUTSIDE AND GOT SOME REFRESHMENTS.

AND I HAD JUST ENOUGH TIME TO BUY
THESE JUJYFRUITS AND ASK HER TO MARRY ME.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

WELL, I'VE KNOWN
HER A LONG TIME.

SHE'S A WIDOW AND SHE'S NICE,

AND, WELL, SHE WANNA
GET MARRIED TOO.

- SHE DOES, HUH?
- SEE, WE'RE COMPATIBLE,
HER AND I.

WE'RE REALLY COMPATIBLE. SEE,
I'M A SAGITTARIAN, AND SHE'S A LEO.

SEE, SAGITTARIAN IS THE
HUNTER, AND LEO IS THE LION.

SO I GOT ME A LION.

IT SOUNDS MORE LIKE
SHE'S PISCES THE FISH...

AND YOU GOT
YOURSELF A BARRACUDA.

LISTEN. I THOUGHT YOU'D
BE HAPPY WITH THE NEWS.

WELL, I'M NOT. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU TOO OLD TO
GET MARRIED. YOU 65.

SO WHAT? CARY GRANT GOT MARRIED
AGAIN WHEN HE WAS IN HIS SIXTIES.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT CARY GRANT.

I'M NOT GENERAL GRANT EITHER.

I'M UP HERE WITH CARY, NOT
DOWN THERE WITH ULYSSES.

WELL, HOW OLD IS
THIS PERSON ANYWAY?

SHE'S AROUND 40.
YEAH. WAY ROUND.

NOT THAT FAR. SHE
GOT HER OWN MONEY.

AND SHE GOT HER OWN CAR.
SHE'S A PRACTICAL NURSE.

- SHE IS, HUH?
- YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID
IN THE MOVIES?

SHE MASSAGED MY NECK
SO GOOD, I HEARD IT CRACK.

MY NECK CRACKED, AND IT NEVER
FELT THIS GOOD BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

LOOK. I CAN DO THIS NOW.

THAT'S TERRIFIC. NOW YOU CAN
WATCH THE PING-PONG MATCHES.

IT AIN'T BAD BEING MARRIED TO A WOMAN
WHO CAN CRACK YOUR NECK EVERY MORNING.

YOU'VE GOT IT MADE NOW.

AND SHE ALSO DOES TOES.

YEAH, SEE, I TOOK MY SHOE OFF
AND SHE CRACKED MY BIG TOE.

WITH ALL THAT CRACKING GOING ON,

I'M SURPRISED THEY DIDN'T THROW
YOU TWO OUT OF THE THEATER.

YOU COULDN'T HEAR THE CRACKING BECAUSE
OF TOO MUCH SHOOTING ON THE SCREEN.

SEE, CLINT EASTWOOD
PULLED OUT HIS PISTOL...

AND SHOT 11 BAD GUYS
AND A WATER BUFFALO.

DIDN'T EVEN RELOAD. HE
MUST'VE HAD A 12-SHOOTER.

WHEN ARE YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS GONNA
STAGGER DOWN THE AISLE TOGETHER?

IF YOU MEAN WHEN ARE WE GONNA
GET MARRIED, IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

YOU DIDN'T WASTE
ANY TIME, DID YOU?

I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO WASTE NO TIME.

[ Knocking On Door ]
WONDER WHO THAT IS.

MAYBE YOUR BRIDE-TO-BE
CAN'T WAIT AND WANTS TO ELOPE.

OH, HI, MELVIN. HELLO, LAMONT.
HELLO. FRED. YOU'RE HOME.

HELLO, MELVIN.
HAVE SOME SIT-DOWN.

OH, YEAH. WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU. LAMONT
CALLED AND SAID YOU WEREN'T HOME,

AND I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU HAD AN ACCIDENT.

NOT YET, MELVIN. IN
A FEW WEEKS. WHAT?

TELL YOUR FRIEND MELVIN
WHO'S NOT MARRIED...

AND DOESN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
IT WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR
WHAT HE'S GOT TO SAY.

SAY ABOUT WHAT? MY FATHER'S
GETTING MARRIED AGAIN.

CONGRATULATIONS. I
THINK THAT'S GREAT.

STAY OUT OF THIS, MELVIN.

ARE YOU REALLY GONNA
DO IT, FRED? YEAH.

- WHO'S THE LUCKY LADY?
- HER NAME IS DONNA.

DONNA HARRIS. SHE'S
A PRACTICAL NURSE.

THEY NICE. YEAH, THEY WEAR THOSE
SOFT WHITE SHOES AND HAVE COOL HANDS.

AND IF I NEED ANYTHING FROM
THE SURGICAL SUPPLY STORE,

SHE CAN GET IT FOR
ME AT A DISCOUNT.

HOW ROMANTIC. I CAN SEE THE TWO OF
Y'ALL SHOPPING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON,

BUYING RUBBER STOCKINGS
AND ORTHOPEDIC SHOES.

HEY, BUT THAT'S GREAT, FRED.

WHEN THE TIME COMES
AND YOU NEED A TRUSS,

SHE CAN GET YOU A
NICE LEATHER ONE...

INSTEAD OF THE OLD ELASTIC KIND
THEY GIVE YOU DOWN AT THE CLINIC.

AND IF YOU NEED SOMETHING, LET ME
KNOW. YOU NEED ANYTHING, MELVIN?

I DON'T KNOW. I'LL
FEEL AROUND AND SEE.

HEY, FRED, ARE YOU
GONNA LIVE HERE?

I THINK I'M GONNA MOVE AND SELL
THE PLACE. BUT NOT RIGHT AWAY.

I WANNA GIVE LAMONT ENOUGH
TIME TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO LIVE.

SO NOW I'M GETTING
KICKED OUT, HUH?

AFTER I'VE WORKED FOR YOU ALL THESE
YEARS, I'M GETTING THROWN OUT THE DOOR.

THAT AIN'T RIGHT. LAMONT'S BEEN A GOOD
BOY AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA THROW HIM OUT.

KEEP OUT OF THIS, MELVIN. LISTEN,
SON. YOU WANNA LIVE HERE WITH US?

WITH US? YOU'RE BRINGING THAT WOMAN
IN THE SAME HOUSE MY MOTHER LIVED IN?

SLEEP IN THE SAME BEDROOM MY MOTHER
SLEPT IN? I THINK THAT'S DISGUSTING.

THAT'S DISGUSTING, FRED.
STAY OUT OF THIS, MELVIN.

SON, YOU KNOW YOUR MAMA'S
BEEN DEAD FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

YEAH. YOUR MOTHER'S BEEN
DEAD FOR OVER 20 YEARS.

STAY OUT OF THIS, MELVIN.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU
FORGOT ABOUT HER. WELL, I DIDN'T.

AND I'M NOT GONNA LET
YOU SMEAR HER MEMORY.

SMEAR HER MEMORY? I NEVER DID
NOTHING TO SMEAR YOUR MOTHER'S MEMORY.

I BEEN FAITHFUL TO HER. ALL I
KNOW IS YOU FORGOT ABOUT HER.

YEAH, YOU FORGOT
ABOUT HER, FRED.

[ Lamont, Fred ] PLEASE
STAY OUT OF THIS, MELVIN.

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING. YOU
GOT A PLOT RIGHT NEXT TO MOM'S.

NOW YOU GETTING MARRIED AGAIN,
HOW'S THAT GONNA WORK OUT FOR LATER?

I CAN GET A PLOT
FOR MY NEW WIFE,

AND THEN WHEN I GO, YOU
CAN JUST DROP ME BETWEEN 'EM.

I THINK THAT'S DISGUSTING. I THINK
THE WHOLE IDEA IS DISGUSTING.

YEAH, IT'S DISGUSTING, FRED. I
KNOW. STAY OUT OF IT, MELVIN.

I'M GOING DOWN TO THE DINER, BUT
I WANT YOU TO KNOW RIGHT NOW...

THAT I THINK THE IDEA OF YOU GETTING
MARRIED AT YOUR AGE IS RIDICULOUS.

SHUT UP, MELVIN.

SAY, POP, YOU HOME?
YOU BETTER BE HOME.

HELLO, SON. I
THOUGHT I HEARD YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU ALL DRESSED
UP FOR? I'M NOT DRESSED UP.

THOSE ARE YOUR GOOD PANTS.
YEAH, BUT I'M NOT DRESSED UP.

I WAS WATCHING THE
GALLOPING GOURMET,

AND HE SAID THAT DINNER WAS THE
ONE MEAL WHERE YOU SHOULD BE FESTIVE.

SO I PUT ON MY NEW PANTS
HERE SO I CAN BE FESTIVE.

COME ON OVER AND SIT DOWN
AND I'LL BRING YOUR DINNER TO YOU.

AND HAVE SOME... SEE,
ANOTHER THING IS WINE.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING MAKES
IT FESTIVE. GOOD FRENCH WINE.

HEY, POP. HMM?

THIS IS MOGEN DAVID.

WELL, I COULDN'T GET
FRENCH, SO I GOT JEWISH.

HAVE A TASTE OF WINE.
I'LL GET YOUR DINNER.

AND IT'S GONNA BE FESTIVE.

HERE YOU ARE. PORK CHOPS
AND FRIED APPLE RINGS.

THAT'S YOUR FAVORITE,
AIN'T IT? IT SURE IS.

HAVE SOME MORE OF
THIS GOOD WINE HERE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO HAVE JEWISH WINE WITH PORK.

YOU COOKED THIS? I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU COULD COOK LIKE THIS.

ME AND THE GALLOPING GOURMET.

THIS IS GREAT. TALK ABOUT
MAKING UP FOR YESTERDAY.

WHERE'S YOURS? AREN'T YOU
GONNA EAT? I'LL GET MINE IN A MINUTE.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I PICKED
UP ON THE WAY HOME? WHAT?

A BRASS CUSPIDOR. NO KIDDING.

WE CAN SHINE IT UP AND
SELL IT AS AN ANTIQUE.

YEAH. YOU KNOW, IN THE OLD DAYS,

EVERY SALOON HAD A CUSPIDOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
NOTHING BUT A BAR AND A CUSPIDOR.

NOWADAYS YOU GO IN A PLACE,
THEY GOT SEATS, STOOLS, BOOTHS.

LOTS OF PLACES TO SIT
AND NOWHERE TO SPIT.

GOOD EVENING.

DONNA.

DONNA, THIS IS MY SON
LAMONT. LAMONT, DONNA HARRIS.

LAMONT.

PLEASE SIT DOWN
AND FINISH YOUR MEAL.

YOUR FATHER HAS TOLD
ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK
LIKE YOUR FATHER.

REALLY? EVERYBODY SAYS
I LOOK LIKE MY MOTHER.

THAT'S TRUE. WITHOUT THAT MUSTACHE,
HE WOULD LOOK LIKE HIS MOTHER.

EVEN THOUGH SHE DID HAVE
SOME FUZZ ON HER TOP LIP.

- YOU REMEMBER THAT, DON'T YOU?
- AREN'T YOU GOING
TO FINISH EATING?

- I'M NOT HUNGRY.
- I MADE IT ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

YOUR FATHER SAID IT
WAS YOUR FAVORITE.

IT WAS WHEN MY
MOTHER USED TO MAKE IT.

HOW DID YOUR MOTHER USED
TO MAKE IT? USED TO BURN IT.

THAT'S A LIE AND YOU KNOW
IT. SHE WAS A TERRIFIC COOK.

BURNED EVERYTHING.

SHE BURNED THE BREAD,
THE MEAT, THE SALAD.

HOUSE WAS ALWAYS FULL OF SMOKE.

ALL MY FRIENDS THOUGHT I WAS
GETTING MY CLOTHES FROM A FIRE SALE.

HOW DARE YOU TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT
MY MOTHER IN FRONT OF THIS WOMAN.

I WAS ONLY TELLIN' THE TRUTH.
YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER...

PLEASE! NOW,
LAMONT, NOW, LAMONT...

I TAKE IT YOU DON'T APPROVE OF
YOUR FATHER AND I GETTING MARRIED.

- DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHY?
- 'CAUSE IT'S RIDICULOUS,
THAT'S WHY.

HE'S TOO OLD, AND YOU'RE
GONNA BE MISERABLE.

WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS IT,
BEING THE WIFE OF AN OLD MAN?

WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU THINK IT IS
BEING THE FATHER OF A YOUNG DUMMY?

DON'T CALL ME NO YOUNG DUMMY!

AND DON'T TRY TO TELL ME
NOTHING ABOUT MY MOTHER.

PLEASE! PLEASE, STOP IT!

LAMONT, I THINK YOU OWE
YOUR FATHER AN APOLOGY.

AND I OWE HIM
ONE ACROSS HIS LIP.

AFTER ALL, HE IS YOUR FATHER, AND
YOU OUGHT TO SHOW SOME RESPECT.

TELL THAT DUMMY.
AND, FRED, YOU BE QUIET.

WHAT? YOU ONLY
MAKE THINGS WORSE.

YOUR SON HAS A RIGHT TO HIS OPINION,
AND HE HAS A RIGHT TO DEFEND HIS MOTHER.

SO BE QUIET. YOU DON'T TELL ME
HOW TO TALK TO MY SON, WOMAN.

AND DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR
VOICE AT ME, FRED SANFORD.

I'LL RAISE MY VOICE WHEN I GET
READY. NOT TO ME YOU WON'T.

YOU AND ANYBODY ELSE. YOU DON'T
TELL ME WHEN TO RAISE MY VOICE.

I AIN'T TAKE NO STUFF OFF MY FIRST
WIFE AND I AIN'T GONNA TAKE NONE OFF YOU.

I'M BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND
WHY SHE DIED SO YOUNG.

WELL, YOUR OLD MAN...

YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T LIVE
TOO LONG EITHER, DID HE?

I'M GLAD I FOUND OUT
ABOUT YOUR BAD TEMPER.

AND I'M GLAD I FOUND OUT
ABOUT YOUR BIG MOUTH.

IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME,
I'LL JUST GET MY COAT.

UH, DONNA.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE
YOU GOING? I'M LEAVING.

I DON'T SEE ANY REASON
TO STAY ON. DO YOU?

LISTEN. I DIDN'T
MEAN TO UPSET YOU.

YOU GONNA LET A LITTLE
ARGUMENT RUIN ALL OUR PLANS?

YOU SAID SOME VERY NASTY
THINGS TO ME, FRED. VERY NASTY.

BUT WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE COMPATIBLE.

IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF
YOU WAS TAURUS THE BULL.

BUT YOU NOT A BULL.
YOU LEO THE LION.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, WILL YOU STAY?

IF YOU'RE REALLY AND TRULY
SORRY. I REALLY AM TRULY SORRY.

HONESTLY? HONESTLY.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL STAY. GREAT.

COME ON BACK OVER
HERE AND SIT DOWN.

HEY, SON, I TOOK BACK ALL
THE THINGS I SAID ABOUT DONNA.

NOW EVERYTHING'S
ALL RIGHT AGAIN.

OH, REALLY? EVEN THE PART
ABOUT HOW SHE'S OVER THE HILL?

WHO SAID THAT?

HE DID. LAST NIGHT, WHEN
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU.

WHAT YOU WANNA
BRING THAT UP FOR?

AS LONG AS YOU TAKING STUFF BACK,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE IT ALL BACK.

THERE'S NO NEED TO STARTING OFF YOUR
MARRIAGE WITH SECRETS BETWEEN YOU.

DID YOU SAY THAT ABOUT ME?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

IF I SAID IT, I DIDN'T MEAN
IT THE WAY IT SOUNDED.

JUST HOW DID YOU MEAN IT?

WELL,

I MIGHT HAVE SAID FOR SOMEBODY
THAT WAS OVER THE HILL, YOU WASN'T BAD.

AND-AND IF YOU PUT
ON SOME DARK GLASSES,

PEOPLE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO
SEE THEM BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES.

WELL, I THINK THAT
JUST ABOUT DOES IT.

WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU ARE VERY MUCH OUT OF LINE,

MR. SANFORD.

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA SHUT ME UP
EVERY TIME I GET READY TO SAY SOMETHING,

THEN YOU CAN FORGET
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING,

MRS. HARRIS.
THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

I'M LEAVING. BYE.

I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED YOU HAVE
THE MANNERS OF A COMMON JUNK MAN.

AND I SHOULD'VE REALIZED THAT YOU AREN'T
OVER THE HILL. YOU DOWN IN THE VALLEY.

YOU NOT LEO THE LION!

YOU DONNA THE BARRACUDA!

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN SHE WAS
GONNA TURN OUT LIKE THAT.

IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU FOUND OUT IN TIME.

YEAH. I AIN'T GONNA LET
NO WOMAN WALK OVER ME.

YOU REALLY STOOD UP
TO HER. YOU HAVE TO.

I WAS PROUD OF YOU.

YOU GOT TO GET THINGS STRAIGHTENED
OUT RIGHT IN THE BEGINNING.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SON,

I DON'T REMEMBER SAYING
SHE WAS OVER THE HILL.

YOU DON'T, HUH? NO.

I WAS SURE YOU DID. HEY, POP.

DID WHAT'S-HER-NAME
MAKE ANY DESSERT?

SHE MADE SOME HOT SWEET POTATO
PIE LIKE YOUR MAMA USED TO MAKE.

I HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN
MAMA USED TO MAKE. I'LL GET IT.

HEY, UH, SON.

I REALLY DON'T REMEMBER...

SAYING SHE WAS OVER THE HILL.

YEAH, WELL... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT? SHE IS.

I'LL BET SHE'S OLDER THAN I AM.

[ Knocking On Door ]

I'LL BET THAT'S HER COMING TO
APOLOGIZE. TELL HER IT'S TOO LATE, POP.

I'LL TELL HER. I DON'T
ACCEPT NO APOLOGIES.

I'LL TELL HER. YOU DON'T
NEED TO APOLOGIZE...

HELLO, FRED. I GOT A GIFT FOR
YOU. CONGRATULATIONS, MAN.

I WISH YOU A LOT OF LUCK AND
EVERYTHING. I KNOW. STAY OUT OF IT, MELVIN.

BUT I GOT TO RUN. MANY HAPPY
RETURNS. BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

MELVIN. MELVIN.

WHAT IS IT, POP? MELVIN JUST
GAVE ME A WEDDING PRESENT.

LET'S SEE WHAT IT IS. I
DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A CHANCE...

TO TELL HIM IT WAS ALL OVER.

AW.

READ THE CARD THERE. WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A POPCORN POPPER.

IT SAYS: “TO THE SANFORDS,
TO THE HAPPY COUPLE,

“MAY YOU HAVE A LONG LIFE
POPPING ALONG TOGETHER.

THAT'S SWEET OF HIM.
YEAH. YOUR FRIEND MELVIN.”

WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GIVE IT BACK TO HIM.

WHY?

GIVE ME THE CARD AGAIN.
IT SAYS: “TO THE SANFORDS.”

WE THE SANFORDS,
AIN'T WE? RIGHT.

“TO THE HAPPY COUPLE.”
WE HAPPY, AIN'T WE?

RIGHT. AND A LONG LIFE TOGETHER.

WE DESERVE THAT. RIGHT.

WELL? LET'S POP
SOME POPCORN, POP.

LET'S GET TO POPPIN'.

SAY, POP, I'M HOME. POP.

HELLO, SON. I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOU COME IN.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
GONNA DO IT AGAIN. WHAT?

EVERY TIME THE TABLE
IS SET UP AND THERE'S A

GOOD SMELL AND NOISE
COMING OUT OF THE KITCHEN,

THEN THAT MEANS
THERE'S A WOMAN HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OKAY, LADY,
YOU CAN COME ON OUT NOW!

HELLO, LAMONT. IT'S ONLY MELVIN.

HE BROUGHT US SOME
PIG FEET. I'M SORRY, POP.

YOU SHOULD BE SORRY 'CAUSE I
AIN'T GONNA NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN.

I LEARNED MY LESSON. I AIN'T MARRYING
NOBODY. I DON'T CARE WHO IT IS.

- YOU DON'T CARE
WHO IT IS, HUH?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I'LL BET YOU IF YOU HAD THE
CHANCE TO, YOU'D MARRY LENA HORNE.

I WOULDN'T EVEN
MARRY LENA HORNE.

SAY, MELVIN, IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE,
WOULDN'T YOU MARRY LENA HORNE?

YOU JUST STAY OUT OF THIS, FRED.

I'LL MARRY LENA HORNE.

[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.