Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 9 - Coffins for Sale - full transcript

Lamont brings home a pair of old wooden coffins that he bought at an auction, but superstitious Fred wants nothing to do with them. Attempting to sell them to a funeral director, Lamont and the man can't agree on a price. When Fred finds out that the coffins are going to spend the night in the front room, he decides to sleep out on the truck. After the house gets quiet, Lamont gets a little edgy himself and eventually ends up joining Fred outside.

POP, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN
WHAT I WAS COMING ACROSS...

WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S WHAT?

- THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD.
- WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

ON A FRENCHMAN IT
WOULD LOOK LIKE A BERET.

ON YOU IT LOOKS LIKE A
CHOCOLATE UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE.

HELP ME MOVE THIS TABLE. I
GOT SOME BIG STUFF TO BRING IN.

MOVE IT? I JUST PUT THIS STUFF
DOWN HERE. I'M DOING INVENTORY.

THIS IS COORDINATIN' DAY.

WHEN I COORDINATE, I DON'T
WANT NOBODY TO FOOL AROUND.

AND IF YOU WANNA WORRY
ABOUT THIS HAT, DON'T WORRY.

I WAS LOOKING THROUGH
SOME OLD THINGS UPSTAIRS...



AND I RAN ACROSS ONE OF THE
SOUVENIRS FROM FRANCE, WORLD WAR I.

WORLD WAR I, HUH?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WORLD WAR I,
A.E.F., FIGHTIN' 15th,

GENERAL BLACKJACK PERSHING.

SEE, HE WAS WHITE, BUT
THEY CALLED HIM BLACKJACK...

I THINK BECAUSE OF THE
KIND OF GUM HE CHEWED.

- POP, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
- YOU KNOW HOW OLD I AM. I'M 65.

WORLD WAR I WAS IN 1917.

YOU WAS 11 YEARS OLD. WHAT DID
THEY GIVE YOU TO FIGHT WITH, A BB GUN?

DID I SAY WORLD
WAR I? THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I MUST'VE
MEANT WORLD WAR II.

- WORLD WAR II, FRANCE.
- FRANCE. YEAH.

THIRD ARMY, GENERAL
PATTON, OLD BLOOD AND GUTS.



AND WHAT DID THEY CALL
YOU, TIRED BLOOD AND NO GUTS?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- I'M TALKING ABOUT
WORLD WAR II.

D-DAY. VIVE LA FRANCE.

I GOT THE SCAR RIGHT HERE TO
PROVE IT, AND THE PURPLE HEART.

POP, YOU KNOW YOU NEVER
LEFT FORT DIX, NEW JERSEY,

AND THAT SCAR, YOU GOT FROM AN
APPENDIX OPERATION THE ARMY GAVE YOU,

THE PURPLE HEART,
YOU WON IN A CRAP GAME,

AND THAT BERET, YOU BOUGHT
AT THE GOODWILL STORE.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?

SURE. THAT'S ALWAYS YOUR ANSWER.

JUST DON'T CALL ME NO LIAR.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT NONSENSE ABOUT
D-DAY AND VIVE LA FRANCE AND ALL OF THAT.

WELL, I WAS IN THE ARMY. I
COULD'VE BEEN IN THE AIR FORCE.

THEY WERE LOOKIN' FOR A TAIL
GUNNER AND I TURNED THAT DOWN.

- WHY?
- I AIN'T GONNA SIT
IN THE BACK OF NO PLANE.

WOULD YOU STOP.

YOU WASN'T IN NO ARMY.
YOU TALK THAT OLD STUFF.

COME ON OUT HERE AND HELP ME
UNLOAD THIS TRUCK, YOU OLD FAKER.

FAKER? THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. YOU
DON'T KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOU KIDS TODAY.

IF I'D TALK TO MY FATHER THE WAY YOU
TALK TO ME, YOU KNOW WHAT HE'D HAVE DONE?

YEAH, HE'D HAVE GIVEN
YOU ONE ACROSS THE LIP.

THAT'S RIGHT, AND CONTINUE
ON DOWN FROM THERE.

WHEN HE WHIPPED, HE WHIPPED
FROM THE LIPS TO THE HIPS.

AND YOU THINK THAT'S THE ANSWER?

IT MIGHT NOT BE THE ANSWER, BUT IT
SURE WAS NO QUESTION WHEN HE FINISHED.

POP, THE KIDS TODAY DON'T
WANNA HEAR NONSENSE.

THEY WANT THE TRUTH. THE
TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE.

YEAH. YOUR UNCLE EDGAR
THOUGHT THE SAME THING.

TRUTH WOULD SET HIM
FREE, AND HE TOLD THE TRUTH,

AND THE JUDGE
GAVE HIM SIX MONTHS.

OH!

OH, MY HEART!

I THINK I'M HAVING
A HEART ATTACK.

YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?
I'M COMING TO JOIN YOU, HONEY.

AND YOUR DUMMY SON, HE'S
BROUGHT ME A WOODEN OVERCOAT.

OH, ELIZABETH.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- THEM COFFINS, AIN'T THEY?

OF COURSE THEY'RE COFFINS,
BUT THEY CAN'T HURT YOU.

COME OVER HERE. DON'T
BOTHER ME. DON'T TOUCH ME.

I'M NOT GOING NEAR THEM
THINGS. JUST TAKE IT EASY.

NOW, LISTEN. LISTEN. THERE'S
NOBODY IN HERE. LISTEN.

ANYBODY IN THERE? [ High
Voice ] NO. DON'T DO THAT.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER
SEEN COFFINS BEFORE?

YEAH, BUT NOT IN MY OWN
BACKYARD. GET 'EM OUT OF HERE.

I PAID $25 FOR THESE. I DON'T
CARE WHAT YOU PAID FOR 'EM.

GET 'EM OUT OF
HERE. LISTEN TO ME.

WE CAN MAKE OURSELVES A NICE
LITTLE PROFIT ON THESE THINGS.

I BOUGHT 'EM AT AN AUCTION.
NOBODY ELSE WOULD BID ON 'EM.

NOBODY WOULD BID ON 'EM BUT
AN UNDERTAKER AND A DUMMY.

AND YOU AIN'T NO UNDERTAKER.

WOULD YOU STOP THAT AND
START THINKING LIKE A BUSINESSMAN.

I'M TELLING YOU, WE CAN MAKE A
HUNDRED PERCENT PROFIT ON THESE THINGS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'EM? I DON'T
KNOW. MAYBE THEY LAST YEAR'S MODEL.

COFFINS ARE LIKE BATHTUBS.
THEY NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE.

I DON'T LIKE BATHTUBS.
I TAKE A SHOWER.

JUST GET 'EM OUT OF HERE.
WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME?

WE ALL HAVE TO GO SOMETIME.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA NEED THESE COFFINS, AND
THEY'LL COME AND TAKE 'EM OFF OUR HANDS.

I HOPE IF THEY NEED 'EM, THEY COME
AND TAKE 'EM BEFORE THEY NEED 'EM.

THAT'S WHEN WE'LL MAKE OURSELVES A
NICE LITTLE PROFIT ON THE DEAL, OKAY?

OKAY, BUT THEY AIN'T
STAYIN' OUT HERE IN THE YARD.

OF COURSE NOT. THEY'RE
GOING IN THE HOUSE.

WHAT?

YOU DON'T THINK I'M GONNA LEAVE 'EM
OUT HERE. THEY'LL GET RUINED OUT HERE.

THEY AIN'T GOING IN THE HOUSE.
THEY'RE NOT STAYING OUT HERE.

AND THEY AIN'T GOING IN
THE HOUSE. OH, YES, THEY ARE.

NO, THEY'RE NOT.
OVER MY DEAD BODY.

WELL, THAT'S ONE SALE WE
GOT. WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?

I THINK THEY'RE BOTH THE SAME
SIZE. AND THEY'RE A GOOD COLOR.

BROWN WILL GO WITH ANYTHING. SO
WILL THIS BROWN GO WITH ANYTHING.

WOULD YOU GRAB THE OTHER
END WHEN I SLIDE THIS OUT, OKAY?

I AIN'T GOING IN FIRST.

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A PALLBEARER.

THAT'S A BAD SIGN, HAVIN'
COFFINS IN THE HOUSE.

YOU BELIEVE ALL THEM SILLY
SUPERSTITIONS, DON'T YOU?

DON'T OPEN AN
UMBRELLA IN THE HOUSE.

DON'T YOUR SHOES ON THE TABLE.

DON'T PUT YOUR HAT ON THE
BED. PUT IT RIGHT DOWN HERE.

AND WHAT'S THAT OTHER ONE
YOU TOLD ME THAT TIME? OH, YEAH.

A CAT YOWLING AT MIDNIGHT MEANS
THERE'S GONNA BE A DEATH IN THE HOUSE.

COME AND HELP ME GET THE OTHER.

YOU CAN THINK WHAT YOU
WANT TO, BUT IT HAPPENED.

HAPPENED TO MY COUSIN
RICHARD. CAT YOWLED AND YOWLED...

AND YOWLED OUTSIDE
THE HOUSE ALL NIGHT.

THEY FOUND HIM THE
NEXT MORNING, DEAD.

POP, THE CAT WAS YOWLING 'CAUSE HE
NEVER SAW ANYBODY THAT LIQUORED UP.

AND AS FOR YOUR COUSIN RICHARD,
THEY FOUND HIM DEAD, ALL RIGHT.

HE WAS DEAD DRUNK.

GRAB THAT OTHER END.

I SURE DON'T LIKE TO
TOUCH THESE THINGS.

WOULD YOU GET IN THERE?
I AIN'T GOING IN FIRST.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER
HEARD OF THAT OLD SAYIN',

“THE SECOND TIME THROUGH
YOU GOTTA GO FEET FIRST”?

- OH. I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T REMEMBER THAT.
- YEAH.

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU SEE THAT? I JUST MADE
THAT UP AND YOU BELIEVED ME.

THAT'S HOW
SUPERSTITIONS GET STARTED.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT
WHEN ALL THEM PIGEONS...

GATHERED ON TOP OF
MISS JOHNSON'S HOUSE,

AND I TOLD YOU THAT
I WAS A BAD SIGN?

I SAID MISS JOHNSON'S NOT
GONNA BE AROUND LONG.

AND WITHIN A YEAR, SHE WAS DEAD.

POP, MISS JOHNSON
WAS 97 YEARS OLD.

WELL, THE PIGEONS KNEW IT.

THEY KNEW THEY HAD TO TAKE A
REST. PIGEONS CAN'T FLY FOREVER.

WHY'D THEY HAVE TO REST ON TOP OF HER
ROOF? YOU CAN'T ANSWER THAT, CAN YOU?

I CAN'T ANSWER THAT 'CAUSE
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

THAT'S PART OF THE NONSENSE
THAT WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT.

AIN'T NO NONSENSE.
IT'S A BAD SIGN.

YOU GET THESE
THINGS OUT OF HERE.

YOU TURNED THIS HOUSE
INTO A PLACE OF MOURNING.

AND I SUPPOSE UP UNTIL NOW
THIS JUNKYARD HAS BEEN FUN CITY.

I THINK THESE COFFINS
KIND OF CHEER THE PLACE UP.

DON'T SIT DOWN ON THAT. THAT'S A BAD
SIGN. SOMETHING AWFUL WILL HAPPEN.

POP, IF THAT WAS THE CASE, THERE
WOULDN'T BE AN UNDERTAKER ALIVE.

THEY'RE SURROUNDED
BY THESE THINGS ALL DAY.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S
DIFFERENT. THAT'S THEIR JOB.

AND IT'S NOT A BAD ONE. THAT'S
NOT A BAD BUSINESS TO GET INTO.

LISTEN. YOU'D MAKE A
REAL FINE UNDERTAKER.

YOU GOT COLD HANDS.
DON'T TOUCH ME.

AND A NICE SAD KISSER.

YOU'D DO REAL GOOD.
I CAN SEE IT NOW.

“SANFORD AND SON,
FUNERAL DIRECTORS”"

“IMMEDIATE FAMILY, RIGHT THIS
WAY TO THE FIRST ROW, PLEASE.”

YOU STOP TALKIN' LIKE
THAT. YOU WATCH AND SEE.

- SOMETHING AWFUL'S
GONNA HAPPEN.
- DON'T WORRY. JUST RELAX.

WE'LL HAVE A CUSTOMER FOR THESE
THINGS BEFORE THE DAY IS OVER.

ON THE WAY HOME I STOPPED BY THE
BARBERSHOP TO SPREAD THE WORD.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE
MEANTIME, STRETCH OUT IN 'EM AND WATCH TV?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S
NOT A BAD IDEA. SHUT UP.

LISTEN. IF WE CAN'T SELL THESE,

WE COULD CUT THE BACK OUT
AND MAKE A SOFA OR A COUCH.

HUSH.

IF WE ONLY SELL ONE OF 'EM, WE
CAN CUT THE OTHER ONE IN HALF...

AND WE CAN MAKE
MATCHING END TABLES.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE AIN'T NEVER
HAD MATCHING END TABLES.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY, POP?
- DON'T CALL ME POP.

YOU DON'T SOUND
LIKE NO SON OF MINE.

YOU SOUND LIKE THE
SON OF FRANKENSTEIN.

YOU REALLY ARE
RIDICULOUS. [ Knocking On Door ]

YOU SEE? THERE'S A
CUSTOMER ALREADY.

WELL, THERE GOES OUR
MATCHING END TABLES.

YEAH? MR. SANFORD?

I'M NELSON LEE DAVIS OF
THE DAVIS FUNERAL HOME.

OH, YEAH. I WAS TOLD THAT YOU HAVE
SOME CASKETS THAT YOU WISH TO SELL.

RIGHT. COME ON IN,
MR. DAVIS. THANK YOU.

THIS IS MY FATHER. HOW
DO YOU DO, MR. SANFORD?

YOU MUST EXCUSE MY COLD HANDS.

COLD HANDS, WARM CHAPEL.

THAT'S A LITTLE JOKE
IN MY PROFESSION.

THAT'S AS FUNNY
AS A TRAIN WRECK.

NOW, THAT'D GET
YOU SOME BUSINESS.

I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.

MR. DAVIS, THE COFFINS
ARE HERE. AH, YES.

AIN'T NOBODY IN
THERE. DUMMY CHECKED.

MAY I ASK IF YOU MIGHT KNOW WHO
THE LAST OWNER HAPPENED TO BE?

IT WAS A LITTLE OLD
LADY FROM PASADENA.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

A LITTLE JOKE FROM
MY PROFESSION.

WOULD YOU STOP THAT. WHY DO YOU ASK,
MR. DAVIS? I AIN'T SAID NOTHIN' TO YOU.

WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW A
LITTLE ABOUT THE CONSTRUCTION.

FOR EXAMPLE, ARE THEY
LINED WITH COPPER OR ZINC?

- IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
- NOT TO THE ONE WHO'S
GETTING IN 'EM.

WOULD YOU STOP IT.

BESIDES, THEY ARE
RATHER PLAIN, AREN'T THEY?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF ASKING
FOR THEM? FIFTY DOLLARS APIECE.

FIFTY DOLLARS? NO, NO, NO, NO.
WELL, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

I WAS THINKING $25, FOR THE TWO.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
THAT'S GOOD THINKING.

THAT'S GOOD THINKING.
TAKE IT. I'M SORRY.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT $30?

NO, I'M SORRY. FIFTY
DOLLARS APIECE.

I'M SORRY. THIRTY DOLLARS.
THAT'S MY FINAL OFFER.

I'M SORRY, MR. DAVIS.
WELL, I AM TOO.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, I WON'T TAKE UP
ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME. GOOD DAY.

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR
MIND, GIVE ME A CALL.

IT'S BEEN A SLOW
WEEK. BUSINESS IS DEAD.

I HEARD THAT ONE AT THE
MORTICIANS' CONVENTION.

GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.

YOU COULD'VE SOLD
'EM. HE OFFERED YOU $30.

THIRTY DOLLARS? ARE YOU KIDDING?
THAT'S ONLY FIVE DOLLARS PROFIT.

I'M TELLING YOU, POP, I'M GONNA
MAKE A KILLING WITH THESE.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE TWO
KILLINGS AND GET RID OF BOTH OF 'EM?

[ Knocking On Door ]

YOU SEE THAT? THERE'S ANOTHER
CUSTOMER ALREADY. [ Groans ]

SELL THESE TWO.

HEY, MELVIN. HELLO, LAMONT.

HOW YOU DOING? HELLO, FRED.

GOOD-BYE, FRED.
GOOD-BYE, LAMONT.

WAIT A MINUTE. MELVIN! MELVIN!

MELVIN!

MELVIN!

COME ON BACK. COME ON...

YOU BIG DUMMY, I'M GONNA
LOSE ALL MY GOOD FRIENDS.

YOU GET THEM
THINGS OUT THE HOUSE.

[ Knocking On Door ]

THERE'S ANOTHER CUSTOMER.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

THIS TIME OF EVENING?
ARE YOU KIDDING?

JUST WATCH AND SEE.

HEY, MELVIN. COME ON IN. ARE
THOSE CASKETS STILL IN HERE?

IF THEY ARE, I'M NOT COMING IN.

HEY, FRED, COME ON OUT HERE.

IT'S YOUR FRIEND MELVIN.

HEY, MELVIN.

COME ON BACK IN THE
HOUSE AND WATCH SOME TV.

I'M NOT COMING BACK IN WHILE YOU GOT
THOSE TWO THINGS IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

I DON'T WANNA GO
IN THERE EITHER.

DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY AROUND
THAT MIGHT BE ABLE TO USE ONE?

IF HE CAN USE IT, HE
AIN'T NO LONGER AROUND.

ON THE OTHER HAND, IF
HE'S AROUND, HE CAN'T USE IT.

IT'S A TOUGH ITEM TO SELL.

SORT OF LIKE SELLING CHRISTMAS
TREES THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS.

YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT'D
YOU LET HIM BUY THEM THINGS FOR ANYWAY?

I DIDN'T. YOU KNOW
HOW KIDS ARE TODAY.

THEY GOT WHAT THEY CALL “DOING
THEIR THING.” HE WON'T EVEN LISTEN.

I GUESS WE WERE THE SAME
WAY WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, FRED.

YEAH. DID YOU LISTEN
TO YOUR FATHER?

EVERY TIME HE RAISED THAT STRAP
UP, HE HAD MY COMPLETE ATTENTION.

ARE YOU TWO JUST GONNA
STAY OUT THERE AND TALK?

YEAH, WE GONNA STAY
OUT HERE AND TALK.

TWO OLD SUPERSTITIOUS
MEN, YOU AND MELVIN.

I AIN'T SUPERSTITIOUS.
ME EITHER.

BUT I AIN'T GOING BACK IN THERE.

LOOK AT MY RIGHT EYE JUMPING.

YEAH. WELL, YOU BETTER GET HOME.

THAT MEANS SOMEBODY'S THERE WAITIN'
FOR YOU. AND HURRY 'CAUSE IT MIGHT RAIN.

HOW CAN YOU TELL? MY
CORN'S BEEN ACTIN' UP.

THAT'S A TRUE SIGN. IT IS.

I'M GOING HOME BEFORE IT STARTS
RAINING. I'LL SEE YOU LATER ON.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON BY ANYTIME.

YOU ALMOST CAUSED ME
TO LOSE MY BEST FRIEND.

AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO WITH THESE THINGS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT
AM I GONNA DO WITH THEM?

YOU COULDN'T SELL 'EM TO THE UNDERTAKER.
NOW YOU AIN'T GONNA EVER GET RID OF 'EM.

DON'T WORRY. THEY'LL
BE GONE BY TOMORROW.

TOMORROW? YOU MEAN
THEY STAYIN' HERE TONIGHT?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU, THEY'LL
GET RUINED OUT IN THE YARD.

IF THEY STAYIN' HERE,
THEN I'M LEAVIN'. WHAT?

THAT'S RIGHT. I AIN'T STAYIN'
IN NO HOUSE WITH NO COFFINS.

YOU'D RATHER LEAVE THAN STAY
IN THE HOUSE WITH THESE THINGS?

I WOULD RATHER.

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP?
I'LL SLEEP OUT ON THE TRUCK.

ON THE TRUCK? UH-HUH.

POP, THE TRUCK
SMELLS LIKE GASOLINE.

THAT DON'T MAKE ME NO DIFFERENCE.
I'LL GET A COUPLE OF BLANKETS.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE ACTUALLY
GONNA SLEEP OUT THERE

ON THE TRUCK? THAT
DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

ALL THAT SMELL OF GASOLINE AND STUFF
OUT THERE. GASOLINE CLEARS MY SINUSES.

BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR ARTHRITIS?
THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR ARTHRITIS.

I'VE SLEPT UNDER WORSE
CONDITIONS IN THE TRENCHES.

THE TRENCHES? THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY HAD TRENCHES AT FORT DIX.

THIS IS REALLY RIDICULOUS. YOU'RE
ACTUALLY GONNA GO THROUGH WITH IT?

THESE ARE JUST TWO EMPTY
COFFINS. THEY CAN'T HURT YOU.

BUT IF I STAY HERE TONIGHT, YOU
WON'T HAVE TO SELL BUT ONE OF 'EM.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I
HEARD A STORY ONCE.

A FELLA STAYED IN THE
HOUSE ALL NIGHT WITH A COFFIN,

AND THE NEXT MORNING,
HIS HAIR HAD TURNED WHITE.

NOW, YOU'D LOOK
GOOD WITH WHITE HAIR,

JUST LIKE JACKIE ROBINSON.

POP, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY
SENSE. THESE THINGS CAN'T HURT YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? NOTHIN'.
AIN'T NOTHIN' GONNA HURT ME.

I'M JUST GONNA GET ME SOME SLEEP.
I'LL LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU...

IN CASE YOU CHANGE YOUR
MIND. YOU CAN CLOSE IT.

I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE MY
MIND. GOOD NIGHT, JACKIE.

HE'S SCARED OF TWO...

HE DOESN'T MAKE ANY
SENSE. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

JUST TWO COFFINS.

I'M NOT AFRAID.
I'LL STAY IN HERE.

DON'T BOTHER ME.

[ Cats Yowling ]

- SAY, POP,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- WHAT?

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU
WAS ALL RIGHT AND TO TELL YOU...

THAT I LEFT THE DOOR OPEN FOR
YOU IN CASE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

I KNOW. OKAY.

I KNOW. JUST CLOSE THE
DOOR. LEAVE ME ALONE.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO
BE SCARED OUT THERE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

TWO EMPTY COFFINS.

I'M GOING TO BED.
[ Blows Raspberry ]

[ Yowling ]

[ Yowling Continues ]

[ Clattering ]

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO
DO, GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU
THAT THE LIGHTS DON'T WORK.

WHAT YOU COME OUT HERE
AND TRY TO KILL ME FOR?

GO IN THERE AND PUT A FUSE IN.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'LL
DO. I'LL CHANGE THE FUSE.

IT PROBABLY JUST NEEDS A
FUSE. YEAH. GO, WILL YOU?

I'LL JUST GO CHANGE
IT. PLEASE CHANGE IT.

THE FUSE.

GOOD NIGHT. NIGHT.

[ Cats Yowling ]

POP, WHERE'S THE FUSES?

WHERE YOU EXPECT 'EM
TO BE, IN THE FRUIT BOWL?

THEY IN THE FUSE BOX. OKAY.

I'LL JUST GO GET ONE IN THE FUSE BOX
AND I'LL HAVE IT CHANGED IN A MINUTE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY. WILL YOU GO ON IN.

I'LL JUST CHANGE THE FUSE.

[ Cats Yowling ]

- WHAT? WHO IS IT?
- IT'S ME, POP. LAMONT.

LAMONT.

HI, POP. HI, SON.

WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S
JUST A LITTLE AFTER 12:00.

WHY YOU WAKIN' ME UP
AT A LITTLE AFTER 12:00?

- I WANTED TO SEE
IF YOU WAS ALL RIGHT.
- I'M ALL RIGHT. LEAVE ME ALONE.

OKAY.

GOOD NIGHT.

NIGHT.

SAY, POP. WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS IT NOW? YOU BETTER
COME BACK IN THE HOUSE.

ARE THOSE THINGS
STILL IN THERE? YEAH.

THEN I AIN'T COMING BACK IN.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR ARTHRITIS?

YOU ONLY GOT ARTHRITIS
IN YOUR HANDS NOW.

IF YOU STAY OUT HERE, YOU'LL BE
A CRIPPLE FROM YOUR NECK DOWN.

AND WE'LL BE A PERFECT MATCH...

'CAUSE YOU'RE A CRIPPLE
FROM YOUR NECK UP.

BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO
YOU AND I'M NOT OUT HERE TO HELP YOU?

AIN'T NOTHIN' GONNA HAPPEN TO
ME. PLEASE LET ME GET SOME SLEEP.

I WAS LAYIN' HERE
DREAMING ABOUT LENA HORNE.

NOW, PLEASE, LET ME REJOIN LENA.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE REALLY
NOT COMING BACK IN?

I MEAN I'M REALLY NOT.

IF YOU'RE GONNA
BE FOOLISH ABOUT IT,

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO
STAY OUT HERE WITH YOU.

NO, NO, NOW, LISTEN.

THERE'S NO NEED OF YOU BEING
OUT HERE AFRAID ALONE AT NIGHT,

SO I'M JUST GONNA
STAY OUT HERE WITH YOU.

THERE'S NO NEED...

GIVE...

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE RIDICULOUS.

AND I'M RIDICULOUS FOR
BEING OUT HERE WITH YOU.

THEN GO BACK IN THE
HOUSE. DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

POP, YOU ASLEEP?

NO, I'M JUST CHECKING
MY EYELIDS FOR CRACKS.

SAY, POP?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

IF I GET RID OF THEM COFFINS,
WOULD YOU COME BACK IN THE HOUSE?

ARE YOU GONNA GET
RID OF 'EM TONIGHT?

NO, THE FIRST THING
TOMORROW MORNING.

THEN I'LL SEE YOU THE FIRST
THING TOMORROW MORNING.

THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO. I'LL JUST GET RID
OF 'EM THE FIRST THING TOMORROW...

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE
SCARED, YOU'RE SCARED.

THAT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED
ABOUT. SOME OF US GET SCARED.

IF YOU BELIEVE IN THAT KIND OF
STUFF, THEN IT CAN GET TO YOU.

FORTUNATELY, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT,
'CAUSE THOSE COFFINS ARE IN HERE...

AND YOU AND ME ARE OUT HERE.

I GOT 'EM LOADED ON YOUR TRUCK,
MR. DAVIS. THEY'RE READY TO GO.

THANK YOU. AND HERE
IS YOUR CHECK FOR $25.

THANK YOU. MR. SANFORD.

I CAN'T SHAKE ON
ACCOUNT OF MY ARTHRITIS.

I UNDERSTAND.

BY THE WAY, DO YOU THINK YOU'LL BE
GETTING YOUR HANDS ON ANY MORE COFFINS?

I HATE TO DISAPPOINT YOU,

BUT THIS IS OUR FINAL GOING OUT
OF BUSINESS FOREVER COFFIN SALE.

WELL, THANK YOU AGAIN.

I MUST BE GETTING
BACK TO MY PLACE NOW.

LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE,
I'M A WORKING STIFF.

ANOTHER LITTLE JOKE
IN THE PROFESSION.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED.

I GOT EXACTLY
WHAT I PAID FOR 'EM,

AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU
AND YOUR SILLY SUPERSTITIONS.

AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH
SUPERSTITION. I JUST WANTED THEM OUT.

AND I SUPPOSE NOW YOU'RE GONNA
TELL ME THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPERSTITIOUS.

I'M NOT. THAT'S SOMETHING YOU MADE
UP IN YOUR MIND. I'M NOT SUPERSTI...

OH, NO!

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- UNDERTAKER LEFT HIS HAT.

HE LEFT IT ON THE
TABLE, AND IT'S FRIDAY,

AND THE CLOCK IS STRIKING 12:00.

WHERE YOU GOING? I'M
GETTING OUT OF HERE.

I'M GONNA CHECK THE
ROOF FOR PIGEONS.

WOULD YOU COME BACK HERE.
LISTEN. I'LL TAKE... LISTEN...

[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

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