Samantha Who? (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Break Up - full transcript

Flowers give every
woman a taste of amnesia.

"Why are those here?

WhY the for?

"What do they mean?

What does he want?

What did I do?

All good questions.

And if you don't know
life's little codes,

Well, you tend to panic easily.

Out of my way.

Oh, god.



Is samantha here yet?

Ow! Hot!

Crap, you're here.

Sorry I'm late.

The coffee place was out of your

tanzania peaberry so
I drove across town.

Tracy, stop.

But all they had
was the light roast-

Tracy, stop!

Look, you have to stop
acting like this, okay?

There is no reason to be afraid of me.

Sure, there is.

My bangs just grew back in
from the last time you cut them,

Which, by the way, I agreed they were



annoying despite what my boyfriend said.

Ex-Boyfriend.

Okay, now I-I know that i used to be
someone that you had to be afraid of.

As did the mailroom people.

And the homeless.

Cats. Some clergy.

My point is, is that I've changed, okay?

So let's just try and forget about
this whole boss/assistant thing.

You're firing me?

No! No, no, no, no.

Just from now on, let's
just be more like, you know,

Like girlfriends.

Does a girlfriend hit
harder than a boss?

Samantha newly?

Flowers?Who
sent me-

Baby's breath! Sorry!

Garbage flower!

Tracy, stop!Come here.

Give me a hug.

Okay. Okay.

Here, here. You gotta let go, honey.

Okay!All right. Good. All right.

Thank you.

- So who are those from?
- Kevin.

- Oh. The lumberjack.
- The successful floor contractor.

Yeah, whatever.

So. How is he?

Oh, he's fine, thanks.

He has a slight case
of the sniffles, though.

No, in bed.

I don't know!

I've only known him for two weeks.

Oh! I see. He's gay.

He is not gay.

Hey, listen to this.

"Meet me at club 8 at 9:00.

We'll dance until 10:00, "and
I'll have you in bed by 11:00.

When you go home is up to you.

Oh, my god.

Tonight might be the
first time that I, you know.

Under breat I do it. Since the accident.

And it's with a gay
lumberjack. That's kinda sad.

He is not gay. He is respectful.

Sweetie, my brother's
respectful, and he moved

to amsterdam to marry
his respectful friend jay.

Ooh! I am so happy for you.

I mean, if I were gonna wish, sex
with a handsome carpenter on anyone,

You would be my first choice.

Well, you'd be my second choice.

Oh! Look at your beautiful flowers!

Oh, let's put them over here
so we can all enjoy them,

And they can make your father feel bad.

They're from kevin.

Oh, yay!

And who's responsible for
this little courtship?Hmm?

Me, I am. Me.

Yes, mother.

You set us up. If it wasn't
for you, I would be nothing.

Oh, honey. Don't be silly. You
wouldn't be nothing.

You'd just be less.

Well, maybe I can repay you by
naming our first child after you.

Oh, yes, do!Even if it's a boy.

I think "regina" is a masculine
name in some latino cultures.

Mom, I'm not in love with him, okay?

It's just been three
dates and so flowers.

I know, but just don't
put off the wedding.

I mean, your aunt
phoebe will not be happy

If she dies before seeing you married,

And I think those pig vows
only last about 13 years.

Sam, um, if tonight is your
first night with kevin,

Don't you think your carpet
should match your drapes?

What?What does that mean?

I think it means your bra should
match your panties, but I could.

I could be wrong.

Oh. Okay.

Well, let's see what we got.

Oh, darn, these are all still wet.

And I don't wanna go all the
way to todd's for underwear.

Mom, did-Did you happen to put any
of my ce lingerie up in my room today?

Um, no, but you can borrow some of mine.

I have a leopard print set
that makes your father roar.

I think they call that jungle fever.

No.

And I'm off to todd'S.

Whatcha doin'?

All right, I-I wanted
to spare you from this,

But I have a date with kevin tonight,

And I would like it if my
carpet matched my drapes. Okay?

Yeah, I don't think that phrase
means what you think it means.

Whatever.

What I'm trying to say
is that, you know, tonight.

Tonight might be the
night that, you know.

Kevin and I get intimate.

I hope this isn't hard for you to hear.

Not if it isn't hard
for you to hear that

you're holding my girlfriend's panties.

But they're in my drawer.

Well, you know, chloe's over a lot,

And I thought it'd be easier
if she had her own drawer.

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, of course it would,

Because that's what
people in, um, relationships

do They give each other drawers.

Doi.

Yeah.

It's tiny. Good for her.

I'm sorry we had to skip dessert.

I'm so, so, so sad.

- How does this come off?
- Why?

So I could take it off?

Oh, yeah, right.

Naked.

Well, that makes sense.

No, I mean, in order for me to get
naked, I gotta take my clothes off.

- I have an idea.
- What?

Turn off the lights.

Watch how fast.

Dena.

Guess what?

I'm in love.

- =Www. Ydy. Com/bbs=-
Proudly Presents

- =Www. Ydy. Com/bbs=-
Sync: YTET-???ǻ???

samantha
who s01e09

Good morning.

Where have you been, young
lady?I have been worried sick.

You've been to one of
those raves, haven't you?

You're 8 miles high.

It's called a smile, mom.

I was with kevin, and you were

Oh! Thank you.

Oh, well.

All the thanks I need is that you
finally admit I know what's best for you.

Um, well, gosh. Come on. Sit down.

I have some very exciting
ideas about your life.

And I will even listen to them.

You know why?

Because I am in love!

- You are not in love.
- Yes, I am. I know what I feel.

No, you don'T. This is
all brand-New for you.

It's the first time you had sex.

You know, the old you would have
already changed your cell phone number,

And you would've met two
new guys on the way to work.

La-La-La, I'm not
listening to you.

I love kevin, and you can't stop me.

- Thanks, sweetie.
- You're welcome.

It is just biology.

You have sex.

Your face gets flushed.

You feel all warm and wonderful.

It seems like love,

But it's actually
nature's way of telling you

to stick your panties
in your purse and run.

And did you just hand your
secretary a cup of coffee?

Uh-Huh.

Sammy, I'm gonna sneak
out a little early.

The boots I wanted just went on sale.

Oh, yeah. Sure, trace. Have fun.

Okay, don't take this the wrong way,

But parts of this new sam
make me really hate you.

Hey, did you know that there's a web site

where you can send
somebody a little bear?

I'm going to vomit.

I'm gonna send you one.

Mornin'.

Morning, you.

What are you doing?

Did you know

That you had a drawer
that only had socks in it?

Yeah, I did. I call that my sock drawer.

I was thinking that if you
put your socks from that drawer

Into your underwear drawer,

Then there would be this whole, big, empty

drawer where I could
put some of my thingS.

- You want a drawer?
- Yeah.

I mean, only if it's okay with you.

Yeah, yeah, I guess I just
hadn't thought of it.

Oh, well, it's a good thing
I thought of it for you.

That's why we make such a good team.

I'll see you in the kitchen.

I'm gonna go pick out a coffee mug.

Okay, so now what?

Hey. There.

You snuck up again.

You should wear a bell.

Oh, is this it?

You getting your things out?

Some.

Kevin gave me a drawer.

Of what?

A drawer for me.

Oh. Does he know that?

Uh, yes, todd. I doubt that this
is his first relationship.

Yeah, but it is yours, and I'm
only saying this as a friend.

Remember how we decided to be friends?

Yes, although I do think
that on some level,

We were just saying that
to keep from being hurt.

- I wasn'T.
- Neither was I.

- You know, don't you think you're moving kinda fast?
- No.

- It's only been two weeks.
- So?

Life is not a dress rehearsal, bucko.

The curtain has gone up, and I am
not gonna be late to the show again.

- Bucko?
- Yeah, you heard me.

- It's got wheels.
- Whatever.

Sam.

- I like you.
- Mm!

Oh, my god. I was just
thinking the same thing.

How weird is that?

Well, I mean,

Maybe not so weird that two people
who like each other would be thinking,

"I like you.

" I mean, if we were both thinking,

Like "a polar bear can walk 30 miles
in a day, " I mean, that would be.

Sorry. You were saying?

That maybe we should, you
know, slow things down.

Slow?

How slow?

I think we should.

Stop.

Seeing each other.

That's very slow.

Make it stop!

Just teach me how to be dead inside!

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, crying makes me feel like I should

be comforting, and I don't do comforting.

Well, why did he break up with me?

Maybe it's 'cause I wasn't good in bed.

Oh, please.

Oh, you can hit a guy in the
head with a book during sex,

And it's still gonna be good for him,

In fact, i knew a guy
who you had to hit right

in the head with a
book before he could e-

Oh, my god. What is this?

I'm making a card for kevin
with pictures of us together.

I didn't actually have any
pictures of us actually together,

But I had some pictures of me,

And then I cut his head out
of some of his business cards.

That's why his expression's
always the same.

No.

- What?
- Stop. Just let him go.

Do not try and get him back.

I'm not trying to get him back!

I just thought that maybe
he might wanna see what

we would look like together
on vacation in paris!

Oh, my god. Okay.

That's it. We're going
straight to my house.

Come, get up.

Come on, come on.

Okay, and we're gonna go,

And we're just gonna
get some wine on the way.

Andrea, I can't drink. I'm an alcoholic.

No, babe, you're not.

What?

Hold on a minute. I might
want that in pink instead.

You're not an alcoholic.

A judge made you go to A.A

Because you got drunk before a flight
and had a huge freak-Out on the plane.

Oh, great.

So I'm afraid to fly, too.

Afraid to fly coach.

You even forced me to come
along to serve you drinks

So you felt like you
were in first class.

So I can drink?

Oh, yeah.

Go.

I've got all my life to
live, I've got all my love to give

I will survive I will survive

Oh!I love this song!

It's like.

It's like gloria gaynor's, like, looking
right into my soul. You know?

All right, sing it, gloria, again.

At first I was afraid I was petrified

Oh, my god!

I will be so happy when you
finally re-Experience everything,

And the spark of wonder in
your eyes goes dark again.

Oh, jeez.

This is what I
needed, you guys-

Just a night with my closest.

Closest girlfriends.

I learned how to carry on,

And now you're back who wants more wine?

And your mother.

Oh, andrea, you know, you don't
have to finish every bottle.

It's not cracker jacks.

There's no prize at the bottom.

The prize is, the more I
drink, the blurrier you get.

"To sam!"

To forgetting that son of a bitch.

Yeah, to hell with him!

Yeah, he was a son of a bitch!

Don't say that about him.

Why would you sathat about him?

I think I heard it somewhere.

Kevin was a kind and thoughtful man.

He was so sweet. He was an ass.

I'm c-Confused about my role here.

I- I had such big plans for them.

The two of them were gonna buy a

second house in asheville, north caroli.

Not boca raton. It's way too humid.

You know, my hair would never.

D- Um, and
asheville has this.

Thriving mountain crafts community.

Ugh, god.

Oh, it's my own fault.

I completely misjudged that kevin.

I thought he could handle
a girl with head problems.

Oh, mom, it's not your fault, okay?

It's not. It's my fault.

You know why?

Because I'm unlovable!

You are not unlovable.

Oh, honey, no, no. Don'T.

I mean, true, there were times
you were difficult to warm up to,

But even then I loved you.

Babies are hard.

I love you, too, sam.

And what aut todd?Todd loved you, hmm?

Todd!

Todd!

It might interest you to know

This isn't even close
to the most embarrassing

thing I've seen you do on this sidewalk.

Todd!

May I ask why you're doing this?

I want todd.

The "who" is no longer a secret
to anyone on this side of the lake.

I was wondering why.

'Cause I need to know
if he really loved me.

Okay?

Todd!

Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.

Todd!

Let's get some coffee in you.

Okay.

Oh, good news, frank.

I don't have a drinking
problem anymore.

Gee! Whoopsie daisy.

No, now it's mine.

Oh, drinking is like love.

It starts out okay.

The singing and laughing
part is real fun,

Then it just takes this ugly turn
around the crying and the yelling part.

I would tell you about
the throwing up part,

But I don't wanna ruin the surprise.

That is it.

I am never falling in love again.

Of course you will,

And it may hurt,

But you will survive.

Oh, my god.

You speak the words of gloria.

My wife and I karaoke.

She does an excellent devo.

You are so lucky.

You have a wife.

I'll bet you she has a drawer.

She has all the drawers.

Yeah, but she loves you.

Someone loves you.

How great is that?

Someone once said,

"The joy in life "is not in
hearing the words 'I love you, '

But in being lucky enough to say them.

That's beautiful.

- Who said that?
- The lead character in my screenplay.

It happens just before
the shark gets him.

And he was right.

Some people never do let
themselves express their love.

How can you not express it, you know?

Like, who can't express love?

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

Hey, sam.

- Uh-Huh? - Are
we living together?

Don't be an idiot.

Well, I mean, I'm here all the time.

I've got a drawer.

I've got a third of the closet.

No, we are not living together,

Because that would imply that you
would be paying half of the mortgage,

And I don't see that happening.

Yeah, I don't either.

But I can still hang out here, right?

You know, eat what's in the fridge,

Sleep in your bed every night?

If you stopped, I'd kill you.

I love you, too.

Did I not say it to todd?

Maybe I didn'T.

Maybe I never even told
him that I loved him.

Todd!

What? What's going on?

Did I ever tell you that I loved you?

I'm sorry?

- Did I?
- Out loud?

No.

Well, you scratched it in
the trunk of my car once.

It was okay. It was an old car.

- Well, I did.
- What?

I loved you,

And I'm sorry that I
didn't tell you before, okay?

But I'm pretty sure that I did.

I mean, then.

Not now., It was before.

All right, let's just pretend
like it's a long time ago, okay?

Just... ready?

I love you.

Then, 'cause not now.

F.Y.I

Okay, then.

You bet.

Okay.

Todd.

I love you.

Shut up, russ.

Well, I expressed it.

I expressed the hell out of it.

It went well, then.

Yeah. Yeah.

In fact, from now on,

I'm only gonna say "I love you" to guys

After I don't love them anymore,

Because you know what?It
goes so much better.

- Sounds like a plan.
- Yeah.

Okay, except for this once.

- Frank
- Don't you dare.

I wasn't, really.

So love really is a battlefield.

I learned that from another
prophet on that cd at andrea'S.

The difference is, in battle,

You're supposed to shoot all your ammo
at once and annihilate the other side.

In love,

Sometimes you just gotta hold your
fire a little and see what happens.

Hey, tracy, can you grab me that file
on the woodcrest property, please?

Uh, in a minute, sweetie.

I gotta dr

At least I know I can
express myself now.

You know what, tracy?

I'M.

I'm not sure if this whole girlfriend
thing is working out so well.

Works for me.

No, you work for me.

I am your boss, and
you are my assistant,

Which means that you have my
tanzania peaberry on my desk

When I get here in the morning,

And you keep our ass
in that chair at night

until you're sure I am
at home in my jammies.

Are we clear, girlfriend?

Yes, ms. Newly.

Maybe thkey to survival
in love and war is balance.

Did I say "please"? I'm sorry.

Um, please, and thank you.

Now get back to work!

Please.

Right now!

Thank you. Please.