Samantha Who? (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Girlfriend - full transcript

A little science lesson--

Listen up, then you can have a snack.

One type of memory is motor memory

Or muscle memory.

It's how even an amnesia

Can still work a toothbrush, dial a phone

Or even skip a rope.

Then there's something called emotional memory--

Things your body just knows,

Like "don't touch fire"

Or "i really like this guy."



Hey, you two. sam, what are you doing?

uh, double dutch.

how about you? What have you been up to?

Oh, you know, uh, pling a lot of jacks.

I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.

Oh, I know, I know. so how are you?

How's, um, how's chloe?

Good.

So anyway...

You know, we should get together.

Oh! yeah. yeah, sure.

Whatever. yeah. it's casual.

All right.

All right. excuse me, ladies.



Stop it. stop it. it's nothing. it's nothing.

Girls?

Shh! god!

Mom, you got a package from the--

Oh, is it here already?

Oh, it's my natural face limited edition

Deluxe 100-piece home makeup kit.

I was afraid I'd missed out.

They only make a million of these.

Anyway, it's a good thing your dad's off

At that poultry conference. it's the perfect time for us

-To do... makeovers. -mm! you know what?

It's also the perfect time to not do makeovers.

I mean, how often in history does th happen?

Hello.

Oh, hi, todd. how are you?

-Samantha? no, she's not home yet. -give it!

-Do makeovers with me. -have you no pride?

Would you like me to have her call you

If I ever see her again?

okay, yes, yes, yes, tomorrow night, okay?

Oh, wait. she just walked in.

Hey, you.

Listen, um,

I made too much chili, and you used to love my chili.

So if you're not doing anything tonight, I thought--

Yeah! yeah.

Hey, why do they call it "chili" when it's so hot?

You know... what i... mean?

Um, yeah, that would be--that would be great.

I would love to eat your chili.

I'll see you later. okay.

Stop. he has a girlfriend.

Really? then why isn't he making her dinner?

Because he likes me.

Oh, jeez. hello? hello? oh god

Yeah, so listen, um...

You know, you and i--we've been getting along well lately.

Yes, we have.

-And then here I am, living at your place by myself. -I know.

And there you are. you're living with your parents.

It's crazy, right?

Wait. are...

Are you saying...

Are--are you-- are you... asking...

If chloe can move in with me.

Chl--chloe! yeah!

I mean, of course that's what you meant.

-So you're okay with it? -are you kidding?

Yeah. get that girl in here.

Yeah.

It is your apartment. why didn't you just tell him no?

I did say no.

It just happened to come out as, "get that girl in here."

Ugh. what is wrong with me?

What's wrong with you is you're a big ol' dumb blank slate.

Please, ask me next time you wanna make

Any more of these stupid moves.

What do I do about todd?

Todd is not the problem. chloe is.

If you want him back, you have to get rid of her.

Yeah, well, how could I do that?

Wait. that came out wrong. how could I do that?

the same as you ways did.

Whenever you wanted a guy, yohad, like, 50 different ways

To make the girlfriend disappear--the one where

You take a hotel matchbook and write your number on it

And stick it in his pocket,

-the one with the... wine. -the wine.

That's him.

Samantha likey.

Ahem. excuse me. hi.

-Is that your boyfriend over there? -yes. why?

Yeah, because he just sent over this bottle of wine

To me and my friend.

What?!

I know, I know. oh, god, I hate to tell you this,

But we're on the same team, right?

I'm sorry. guys suck.

Don't wait for me. I have a ride.

Ooh, daddy!

You're awesome.

No! that is--you know what? that is awful. no.

No, no, no. I'm just gonna leave them alone.

Now with chloe living there, it'll be easy.

No, this is good. this is good,

Because want him or not, I'm gonna take the high road.

Angelina?

-Angelina? -hello, miss newly.

Hi, audrey. um, she's from my apartment.

She's the... board president.

So I saw a young woman moving into your apartment last night.

Really? wow. already, huh?

Yeah, that's my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend.

She's moving in with him...

Which would bother most people, but not me. no.

Well, it should,

Because subletting is forbidden and grounds for eviction.

Well, yeah.

That is why I don't sublet. see ya.

Hey, psst! I'll just call you.

Say it. "andrea."

Say it right.

Hi. sorry to bother you guys.

I just need to move in with you. okay?

Room for me, right? unless you took all the drawers...

Thanks again.

I know that this is awkward for you guys.

No, it's fine. I mean, it's just until you convince audrey rhodes

-You're living here, right? -yeah. yeah.

Of course, unless chloe wants to put on a blonde wig

And walk around acting all forgetty.

No. but it's fine. welcome to our home.

Which I own, but...

Ha! anyway, uh,

Now I am going to-- I'm gonna buy marvin gardens.

What? what is it?

Nothing. nothing. it's, uh... inside joke.

Marvin gardens!

You know, i-i don't think I'm gonna buy it.

Oh, no? well...

Maybe mr. fuzzy will buy it.

My buggy won him for me at a carnival.

Your... buggy won you a fuzzy?

Yeah. isn't he cute?

Doesn't he look just like his daddy?

Yeah, it's--it's weird. I don't see it.

Looks just like you.

You know, um, we're being bad hosts.

We don't need to do this here. oh.

It's okay. but thank you.

Yeah. god. uhh!

Let's go to bed.

Yeah, that's better.

Hello?

Sam?

She's not here.

She's probably at a meeting of "daughters who refuse to do

One thing to please their mothers" club.

Oh, okay. well... maybe I'll go find her there.

Dena?

Your mother's dead.

That's true.

And my daughter's out gallivanting.

You see how 're both suffering?

Very similar, yeah.

You were always like a second daughter to me.

Have I ever told you that?

You rarely speak to me.

You were a very special little girl,

And that wonder woman costume

You wore throughout fifth grade proved it.

You remember that costume?

Ah! with the yellow wristband?

You made me believe you could save the world.

I thought I could.

So... what kind of wine does wonder woman drink?

Cabernet or tequila?

There is just no way that I could have slept up there.

I mean, I could deal with the marvin gaye,

But then they start blasting "bolero"?

Right. time to take this chick out.

What's this?

You're gonna plant these around the apartment,

And todd's gonna kick this girl out in no time.

Herpes cream--stick it in the medicine cabinet.

Have an ovulation chart and an unopened ovulation kit.

But--but, look, chloe hasn't done anything wrong, you know?

And I'm not this person anymore, andrea.

I'm not deceitful.

Hello, ms. newly.

Hi, audrey.

Yeah. just, um...

Sitting in front of my building... that I live in.

A little deceitful. tiny bit.

You have very steady hands.

You could have been a doctor's assistant.

Okay. ready?

One... two... three.

Oh. look at me.

I haven't felt this pretty in a long time.

You? you're the most beautiful woman in town.

Everyone thinks so.

Not everyone.

Some people think I'm almost beautiful.

No.

Runner-up miss walnut valley beautiful.

You lost a beauty pageant?

Mm. to paula drake.

That bitch.

I never even got to give my acceptance speech.

Speech. speech, speech, speech, speech!

Oh, it was so long ago.

I don't even think about it anymore.

And to the new miss walnut valley.

Thank you.

Thank you for choosing me to represent you.

And I promise to work tirelesslyo promote

Peace between the peoples of vietnam and beauty and grooming

Wherever I may walk.

As your queen, I salute you.

Oh, my god.

I felt like you were speaking to me.

Okay, now you.

What?

You have to tell a deep, dark secret, or it's not fair.

-Oh! I don't know. -yes, you have to.

Well, there's so many.

Something fun, like a dream that was crushed.

I've never told anyone I wanted to be an artist.

I spent weeks in my room alone,

Drawing that turtle.

It was in the back of the magazine,

And you'd submit it to an art school

And see if you'd get accepted.

Oh, honey, didn't you know that was a scam?

They just wanted your money. they accepted everyone.

Not everyone.

I hate that art school for ruining your dream.

I hate that paula drake for ruining your dream.

You know what the worst part is? she lives two blocks away.

Every time I wanna run out to the day-old bakery,

I have to see her house

And that ridiculous rabbit statue on her lawn,

Like she's better than everyone else.

Let's t.p. her house.

Oh, please.

-Yes! -you talked me into it.

You're very persuasive.

You could have been a lawyer's assistant.

Samantha?

Todd is mine.

Go near him, and I'll destroy you.

Good morning, sam. how'd you sleep?

Good. yeah, I got a solid 15 minutes in.

Oh, well, I hope you're hungry

Cause I made some organic pecan pancakes and...

Have some orange juice.

I squeezed it myself.

Have some. it's delicious.

No, I will. I will. I'm just building up a thirst.

Okay.

Oh, mmm! that... really good orange juice.

Chloe, um, sam and I need to talk.

Could you just give us a second?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Todd--

No, no, no. me first. I know what happened last night.

You do? it's freaky, right?

I mean, that girl is a whackadoo.

-She is? -yeah.

You're the one that snuck into our bedroom last night

To say you were gonna take her down.

You scared the crap out of her.

I'm sorry. what?

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

So...

So...

Well...

Okay, then,

Thank you for a lovely--

Please don't.

I am telling you, todd, she threatened me, okay?

I was asleep on the couch when I got a visit

From the little freak fairy,

And she told me that I had to staaway from you.

oh, just stop it, sam.

I mean, you're so jealous,

You can't see that chloe's a sweet, caring person.

Ha ha ha ha! oh, boy. do you have a type.

A type? what are you talking about? what type?

I'm talking about that type-- a me type,

Because chloe is just like me.

I mean, not me now, but me then. bad me.

She is bad.

She got up early to make you breakfast

Because for some reason she still wants you to feel at home.

Trust me, todd, if I was gonna go after chloe,

She wouldn't even be able to make breakfast,

Because all that would be left of her

Would be a blubbering mess.

Oh, my god!

Look at what she did to my fuzzy!

What? what? no, co--i have-- there is no ill will

Between me and your... fuzzy. todd?

Sam, I know you have to stay here,

But just... keep out of our way, and we'll keep out of yours.

-It's okay. i--we... -he doesn't have a face!

I know, sweetheart, but he'll have a face again.

You're lucky you don't have eyes,

Because it is gonna get ugly around here.

I'll be ght back, todd.

Don't get too clean.

Chloe.

What are you doing?

Oh, god. I'm gonna be sick.

I always hate these scenes.

What have you done?

It just happened. i...

He was apologizing for how he talked to me,

And then it just turned into something else.

No, this can't be happening. todd--

You just need to calm down before you do

Something stupid, all right? don't blame yourself.

You just stepped into a situation

Where two people have something

-That you just can't compete with. -why would he do this to me?

Because you're the rebound girl.

I mean, that never occurred to you?

Why don't you just get outta here

And go take a nice, long walk...

To a friend's house or some-- todd!

What's going on here?

Hey, you took the hallway door from the shower. crafty.

Oh, my god. u are such a liar!

Me?

Oh! no, no, no, girlie.

You're the liar, because you're the one who attacked

Your own fuzzy because you were insecure and afraid,

Admit it. I'm right.

Todd, she is completely insane.

I don't even feel safe here with her.

oh, yeah? what's that?

-What? let go of me! -that's purple ink.

That's what that is. that is the same color ink

That we find on your... little... fuzzy!

Chloe?

All right, yeah, I did it.

I just felt... threatened by her

Because she's so beautiful and smart.

Oh, that is so not true!

Oh, wait. thank you.

You mean so much to me, and having her around,

I felt like I needed to compete,

And... I can't compete.

You know? so if this is what you want--

Okay, you know what? there is no competition.

Thank you! bah. game over. that's it.

I love you.

Yeah, that's right. let her down easy.

You know, soft--soften the blow.

Okay, that's soft enough.

Sam? just give us a minute.

I found an ovulation kit in the trash!

Sam, that's enough!

Fine. fine, you love her. that's great.

You know what I love?

I love getting the hell out of here.

That's what I love, and I love it so much,

That I'm just gonna keep doing it over and over again,

Starting now!

Oh, crap!

Todd?

Guys?

Marvin gardens!

Please?

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Andrea's bringing me something to wear.

But thank you for the coat.

I'm sorry if it smells like perfume.

Hey, you know, I could write a note to your wife and tell her

That we didn't have sex.

Oh, yes. thank you. I think she'd like that.

Nice little place you got down here.

A little tv.

You know, there aren't enough interracial couples on tv.

What show is this?

That's us on the security camera.

How do you not do this all day?

You know what? go home.

I'll cover for you with audrey rhodes.

Really? you would do that for me?

Not for you, no, but because that chloe girl is an evil rag.

So you believe me? you agree she's bad.

I don't think either one of you is any prize,

But I can only handle one rag at a time.

Thank you, frank.

Nope.

I wouldn't do that.

Ok, class, a quick review.

Muscle memory.

Very helpful in remembering things you forgot.

But here is a thing.

The heart is also a muscle

Fortunately.

The heart remembers most strongly

the people who always love you.

No matter what.

Where did the turtle come from?

Um...I don't know.

Todd chose someone else.

Honey, I'm sorry.

I know I have amnesia but I

really don't recall that rabbit thing right there.

That?

It's always been there.

Now help me bury it in the backyard.

Please.

Samantha.