Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - #ToddlerClimbing - full transcript

A competing babysitting service is posting fake, bad reviews about Sam and Cat's babysitting service. Sam and Cat confront their new competition and discover they're not what they appear to be.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Subs created by: David Coleman.

Here comes the airplane!

Choooo choooo.

Hey, morning Murf.

Happy Saturday.

Yeah okay.

Hey, are we babysitting today?

Yeah, a new kid...

A little boy named Kip Dooley.


Um, is that my hair dryer?


I was just using it to
melt this doll's face.

Northridge Nancy!

You ruined her.

No, I taught her the
importance of using sun screen.



Okay, what was that conversation?

Oh, Murf just asked me if he
could go outside to the patio.

I said no.

You can't speak goat.

Sure I can.

Well, if he tells you that he saw me
put your bra in the freezer, he's lying.

Hey, now it's a brrrrrrrrr-rah.

Get it?

Too soon?

Ding dong.

Oh hey! You must be Mrs. Dooley...

And I'm guessing this
cute little boy is Kip.

Yay! She said I'm cute!

That's very nice. Um, listen, uh...

Oh, Cat. And that's Sam.


Um, something's come up, so I don't
need you girls to babysit today.

Oh, you're canceling?

I'm sorry, but I have to take Kip to...

The dentist.

You said you were taking
me to another babysitter.


Na-na-na-na-na-no! Don't shush.

I think something's going on here.

Look, I didn't wanna say anything but...

My husband went online
and found some negative

reviews about your Babysitting Service.

Where online?

Snortch dot com.

Anyway, my husband found
another babysitter, so...

Let's go Kip.

Sorry this didn't work out...

Because you girls look good.

This is so upsetting.


But hey, we get a free day now.

What do you wanna do?

Sleep? Eat? Nap? Snack?


Murf, they don't allow
goats on roller coasters.

He's so stupid.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Okay, what's the name of the website?

Snortch dot com.

Snortch... dot... com.

Chip in the hole.

Look up the name of
our Babysitting Service.

Sam and Cat's...

Super rockin'...


Babysitting Service.

I still say the name's too long.

I love it. It's so...

Hey! We have fourteen negative reviews.


- Negative is bad.
- Poo.

- What do they say?
- Two.

- Two what?
- Chips in the hole.

- Read one of the bad reviews.
- 'Kay...

I left my seven-year-old
daughter with Sam and Cat,

and when I returned to pick her up, she
was hungry, dirty and missing a thumb.

- That's not true.
- I know.

We always provide snacks!

And we've never lost a kid's thumb.

- Why would somebody make up lies about...
- Holy snot, listen to this review...

Sam and Cat forced my child to
play with nine poisonous snakes.

That never happened!

- And why nine?!
- It's oddly specific!

I know! Who wrote that review?

Uh, let's see.

Angry parent.

That's not a real name.

It's a user name. None of
these reviews have real names.

- Well, how do we know who wrote 'em?
- I dunno, but we gotta find out.



Because everybody's sees these reviews.

We already lost one babysitting
job, we could lose a lot more!

Which means we could lose a lot of money,
which means less fried chicken for Mama.

Maybe you eat too much fried chicken.

What'd you say?


Just... it wouldn't kill ya to
have a salad every once in a while.

That's it.


I'm gonna go get some fried
chicken right now, a twelve-piece!

Fried chicken won't make
our problems go away!

Bring me back a spicy breast?

Man, I am starving.

Me too. Fist bump!

Team starving!

Where are the waiters?

Can we get a waiter over here?

Nona, you don't need a waiter,
you just have to push a button.


Are you having a problem
with which I can help?

Holy Eisenhower, what is that?!

- That's a robot. They work here.
- Oh good grief.

Who's eisen-flower?

Eisenhower was the President.

Back when waiters were human and
America wasn't the pit-hole it is now.

Eventually, all humans will die,
and robots will rule the Earth.

Enjoy your meal.

Hey, let's order some pork fingers.


Okay, okay, I've got serious news.
Are you ready, are you ready for this?

Have we ordered? We
should order some lunch.

They won't bring us a menu.

Use the Pear Pad.

I am not ordering my
lunch from a pea pod.


You know the fourteen bad
reviews we got on Snortch?

- Yeah?
- They were all posted by the same person.

How do ya know?

Because I called my boy Freddie B.,
in Seattle, had him check it out.

He said every single bad review we
got came from the same I.P. Address.


Better than I poo.

But wait, why would
somebody go on Snortch,

and talk smack about
our Babysitting Service?

Ulch! Pee, poo, smack...

It's like Lenny Bruce all over again.


Nobody gets your references.

You wanna know why one person
left us all those bad reviews?

I'd like to know.

Because the I.P. Address is registered to
a guy who has his own Babysitting Service,

less than a mile from our place.

- Oh.
- You catching on?


It's a competing babysitter trying
to make you and Sam look bad.

So parents don't take their kids
to us, they go to him instead.

Well, we have to find out
where this babysitter guy lives.

You mean 5677 Barfield Drive?

No, we need his address.

But I just... that's what I just...

Come with me.

For what?


- Hey hey.
- Hey what?

- You don't get two turns in a row.
- I popped a six so I move twice.

- That ain't right.
- It's the rule.

Tell him it's the rule.

You see that? You made the baby cry.

- Go get the baby some pudding.
- Why don't you get the pudding?!

Who's at the door?

- Hello.
- Ceiling inspectors.

We're here to check your ceiling.

Our ceiling...?

Ah, there's the ceiling.

Yep. The over-head kind.
Put a check by that.

Check by that.

Okay, who are you guys?

We're Sam and Cat.

Of Sam and Cat's Super Rockin'
Funtime Babysitting Service.

She picked the name.

- It's a great name.
- She picked the name.

We know you're angry parent.

- We read your fake reviews.
- We've never lost a child's thumb!

That's right. But you
boys might lose something.

I'm gonna to have to
ask you ladies to leave.

You admit you trashed
us all over Snortch?

What if we did?

Well, then you're mean.

And to become nice,

you need to go on Snortch and
delete your filthy lies about us.

Okay, we'll put that on our schedule.

Right after never.

Well, as long as it's on the schedule.


What's with all the locks on this door?

That's none of your business.

- What's behind that door?
- Nothin'.

- Then open it.
- No.

- Why not?
- Because it's locked.

- Why's it locked?
- We don't want you in there.

- You said there's nothing in there.
- There ain't.

- Open the door.
- No.

- Why not?
- Because it's locked.

- Just get outta here!
- Yeah!

While you can still walk out.

Cat, your purse.

Sam, my purse.

Now listen.

When you guys arrive at the hospital...

The doctors are gonna ask
you what ya got beat with.

So you tell 'em...

It was a sock...

And it was filled with butter.

Sam, the baby, you can't
fight in front of a baby.

It's against the babysitter code.

This isn't over.

Feels pretty over to me.

Excuse me.

It was nice meeting you.

- No, it wasn't.
- We hate you.

So, I was on the bus...

Heading up the road.

And as we came over
the hill, there it was.


The world's largest thermometer.

Ah geez.

It reached half-way to the stars!

Hey Cat, how's it going back there?

Just a few more minutes!


I still don't understand what
you and Cat want me to do.

I told ya!

There's three guys who babysit, and they're
trying to put me and Cat out of business

so we need you to help us
dig up some dirt on 'em.

Like find out their secrets?

Yeah, but calm down.

You're just gonna take Dice there,
pretending to be his Grandmother,

and drop him off to be babysat.

Isn't Dice too old to need babysitting?

That's why Cat's back there
making him look younger.

You wanna see a photo
of that big thermometer?


Nona, Sam...

I would like you to meet my new
friend, who's no longer Dice...

Because he's now Billy, the little boy.

Oh, I love it!

You were just supposed to make Dice look
younger, not like a freak show from 1944.

Do I really gotta wear this?

Yes. Now lick your lolli.

I don't wanna lick my lolli.

Lick it.

Here, never take this hat off.


Because there's a camera and
a microphone built into it.

So we can see and hear
what you see and hear.

What if I gotta take a wazz?

- We're gonna hear it.
- And see it!

Aw no.

So after I saw that huge
thermometer, I wrote a song about it.

That's great.

Would you like to hear it?

Please no.

What are you doing?

Sam said when we get here,

I'm supposed to shove this thing in
my ear so she and Cat can talk to me.


♪Hey there, big thermometer.


♪Hey there, big thermometer.

♪You're so large.

Okay Dice, can ya hear us?

- Can ya?!
- Ah!

Not so loud!

Just keep your hat on
and do what we told you.


Go ahead and ring the bell.

Ooh, I feel like a lady spy!


Uh, yes... I'm Mrs...



And we have an appointment
for you to babysit.

This is my grandson, Billy.

Um, the text message I got said
you were bringing a toddler.

Yes, of course. Billy's
a wonderful toddler.

Show the young man how you toddle.

Uh, I...


All right. We'll babysit him.

Go on inside.

I'll be back later to
pick you up. Toodle-oo.

♪Hey there, big thermometer.

♪'Mometer, 'mometer.


This is the card where you
don't get your turn, bro.


- That ain't right.
- I don't care.

So, you like puppies?

Ah, forget it.

Sam. Cat. Nothing's happening.

Have they opened the door yet?
The one with all the locks on it?


They just gave me and this other
kid a busy box and a sippy cup.

Oh! What's in the sippy cup?

Does it matter?

I'm curious about the beverage.

Hey hey, someone's here.


It's three kids with a toddler.

We see 'em!

- Hey.
- Hi. Get the door.

Oh, hey hey, they're headed
to the door with all the locks.

- Try to see what's behind that door!
- You're literally on me.


Dice, go see what's behind that door!


Hey dude.

- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa...
- Where you going?


- Say through that door.
- Through that door.

No one invited you.


Dice, you've got to go through that
door and see what they're up to!

I have to go in there
and see what you're up to.


Throw a tantrum!

- Huh?
- Heh?

Lie down on the floor and scream
like a baby until you get your way!


I wanna go through the door!

I wanna go through the door right now!

- I wanna go right...
- All right!

- Okay okay!
- Shut up! Stop, stop. Stop it.

All right.

We'll take you in there.

But what you're about to see...

You will never ever
talk about with anyone.


- You understand, Billy?
- Who's Billy?

- You're Billy!
- I'm Billy!

And you understand!

And you understand!

I understand!

Ooh, Sam understands!

- No!
- No!

Say, I'm Billy and I understand!

I'm Billy and I understand!

- All right. Let's go.
- Yo.

I got ya. Come on.

Sam! Cat! You there? Can
you see what I'm seeing?

- Yeah.
- Where are you?!

In their basement! That locked
door leads down to a basement.

All right, all right! The
competition is about to start.

Hey, if you haven't placed your
bets yet, you better hurry up.

Pick the toddler you think is gonna
win, and give your money to Grant.

What are they doing?

Looks like they're betting on toddlers.

Okay, the betting is
closed. Toddlers in place.

As always, first baby
to the ceiling wins.

Oh my God.

Illegal toddler climbing!



Are you guys seeing this?!

Yeah, it's horrible!

Keep pointing your hat at the action!

I am!

Press record.

Wow, how do you pick locks like that?

I just jam this thing in
there and jiggle it around.

Ah, the old jam and jiggle.

No one calls it that.


You bumped my butt and
you're breathing on my neck.

Okay, the next race is up.

It's gonna be little
Chuckie from Culver City...

Yeah. Yeah.

Racing baby Tiffany from Oxnard.

- Tiffany, you got this.
- Oxnard, now that's fancy.

It's my dream to live in Oxnard.




Hold it!

- Everybody stop what you're doing!
- Yeah, stop what you're doing.

- It's them again.
- Who let you in here?

I used the old jam and jiggle.

You said no one says that.

Well, now I like it.


Hi Dice.

You know them?

Uh... no, no. I'm not Dice, I'm...

Billy Fahrenheit!

Throw those chicks outta here.

Love to. Let's go, cupcake.
It's time for you to...


Ah my God! She's got
her pinky up my nose!

Help me! It's in there so deep!

I'd scratch your brain
if I could find it.

Where does she come up with this stuff?

Anybody else want my
pinky up their nose?

- No, no.
- Not me, not me.

Yeah, we didn't think so.

Now listen, illegal toddler
climbing makes me sick.

You guys are a disgrace to babysitting.

- So?
- Yeah, you can't prove nothing.

Oh. So you don't mind if we
show this video to the cops?

♪Hey there, big thermometer.

♪'Mometer, 'mometer.

♪Hey there, big thermometer.

- Wrong video.
- Hang on...

All right, what do you want?

Your Snortch password.

So we can log in and
delete those mean reviews.

And you guys are gonna
get out of babysitting.

- Forever.
- Understood?

- Yeah. Understood.
- Okay. Fine.

And... I want everyone here to repeat
this poem I wrote on the way over.

Hands on your hearts.


"Gambling is bad, illegal, and wrong".

Gambling is bad, illegal and wrong.

"In China, a popular last name is Wong".

In China, a popular last name is Wong.

"So never gamble, it's
a road to disaster"...

So never gamble, it's
a road to disaster...

"Unless you're in Vegas, in
which case it's acceptable".


Okay, now you idiots get out of here.

Guys, take these clowns upstairs,
get their Snortch password,

and delete all those bad reviews.

- Let's go.
- You serious?

- He's just a kid, you know?
- I know it's just... Go!

Sam, look the babies
are climbing up the wall!

Yeah, I guess we should get them down.


- Come on!
- Come on!

- Faster!
- Higher! Come on!