Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 9 - #MommaGooma - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

One...

Two...

Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven...

Eight...

Nine...

Ten!

Okay, I'll turn on the
TV. You make us a pizza.



- But the kids are hiding.
- So?

As their babysitters,
we're supposed to seek.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

Sam! I got a big problem!

- Cat, I got a big problem.
- What?

Dice has a big problem and
I don't wanna hear about it.

Oh Sam, you're so funny and insensitive.

Come on, you guys, this is major!

Mm, okay...

- How old are you?
- Twelve.

Uh-oh.

I got this.

You see, Dice, at your age,

it's normal for boys to start noticing
new and wonderful changes to their armpits.



Sam.

Dice, what's the problem?

Goomer's mom is coming to visit!

Oh no! Cat, quick! We better
grab our heads and scream!

Ah!

Ah!

Okay. You guys wanna make
jokes and not help me?

I'll just leave then.

Alright, I'm back, please help me!

Aw, come here ya little wiener bun.

Hey. Why's it such a big deal
that Goomer's mom is coming?

Because his mom hates fighting,

and Goomer's never told her that
he's a professional MMA fighter!

So? Why does he care
what his "Mommy" thinks?

You don't understand. Goomer's
not gonna stand up to his mother.

And if she finds out he's a fighter,

she'll probably make him
move back home to Louisiana.

Louisiana?

I went to camp with a girl named Louise.

She pooped in the lake.

She tried to blame it on a fish.

But I knew.

- Aw...
- Oh, kid, why ya getting so upset?

Because I'm Goomer's manager.
And if he moves away...

Ya know...

I could lose a lot of money.

Hmm.

Ya sure it's just about the money?

Maybe you're scared of Goomer moving
away because he's your best friend?

I don't...

I just...

She pooped in a lake?

Hey, listen, don't sweat this.
We'll help ya figure out something.

- Really?
- Sure we will.

Hey! My sister and I are still hiding.

And we're still counting.

Eight...

Nine...

Ten!

- I'll turn on the TV.
- I'll make a pizza.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ And I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Come on, Goomer, ya gotta try.

Kay-kay.

Ooh!

Ow.

Come on Goomer, let's go, get up!

Nah, I'll just rest down here.

Ah, ya pile a'dope.

There he is.

Hey, what you doing on the floor?

I'm worried about my mom coming.

Well, don't be. We're gonna help you.

- You are?
- Yeah, man.

Now your mom has no idea
that you're a fighter?

Nuh-uh. I told her that
I have a different job.

Oh, well great!

We'll just help you pretend you have
whatever job it is you told her you have.

What job did you tell her you have?

I said I was a high
school history teacher.

- Ah.
- Oh my God, Goomer.

- Well, good luck people.
- No no no, Sam, don't go.

Come on!

How the spank are we gonna make anyone
believe he's a high school teacher?

We can do it. When
does your mom get here?

Tomorrow. I told her to meet me at Bots.

Why at a restaurant?

Because she's always happiest
when she's holding a sandwich.

Ooh, well we could be there
and pretend to be his students!

Listen...

Sometimes you get too enthusiastic.

- What time at Bots tomorrow?
- Four.

We'll be there.

- Ah, I can't.
- Why not?

Because my weird Aunt Ferjeen fell off
a horse and fractured both of her arms!

And I gotta feed her at four.

Ah, it's all right. We got this for ya.

Yep. Just trust Valentine and Puckle.

It's Puckett.

You told me it was Puckle.

I said Puckett. I always say Puckett.

I thought it was Pickle.

Who would name me Sam Pickle?!

- Mister and Mrs. Pickle.
- Bye!

I'm scooting by!

Hello. How are your foods?

My foods are good.

Not mine.

My hamburger keeps using
inappropriate language.

I don't understand.

Oh, she was just joking.

Choking! Choking! Choking!

- Ah! No!
- Choking! Choking! Choking!

Enjoy your meal.

Why didn't you do anything?

I was getting video!

Oh, hey, here's Goomer.

Hey y'all. How do I look?

- Good.
- Stiff.

Thanks.

Oh, man. My mom'll be here any minute.

Don't worry about it. Just go sit over
there and wait for her to get here.

And once you've talked
to her for a few minutes,

we'll come over and
pretend to be your students.

Oh, 'kay-kay.

Uh, whoa whoa! Uh, what
do we call your mom?

Oh yeah what's her last name?

Same as mine. Merr.

So just call her "Ms. Merr".

Wait. Your last name is Merr?

Yeah.

My Daddy was French, so
my first name is Gieux.

And my last name is Merr.

See?

Gieux Merr.

Gieux?

Merr.

Like what those three wise
guys brought baby Jesus.

Momma!

Momma!

- Mom, over here!
- Oh, Gieux!

Oh momma.

Oh momma.

That is not how I pictured her.

Yeah, I thought she'd be taller.

So tell me...

How was school today?

What school?

The school where you teach.

The school where I...

Oh. Oh, that school.

Yeah, I sure am a
teacher at a high school.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Oh, hi.

Gieux... are these students of yours?

Uh, y-yes.

Uh. That's Sam, and this is Cat.

They're girls...

And who's this pretty
lady you're sitting with?

Did you meet her on
Scrumptious Ladies dot com?

That's just sick.

This isn't your mother, is it?

Well, yes I am.

You want us to sit?

On what?

Oh, Mister Merr...

Always with the jokes.

Shove over, lady.

So uh...

Just a hunch...

Did you adopt Goomer?

I sure did.

I always wanted an extra-large baby.

So I went to the big
and tall adoption agency.

Aw, and that's when you
found your little Goomer?

No no.

My first choice was another baby boy,
but they wouldn't let me have him.

Uh, so Goomer was your second choice.

Uh-uh.

No, after I didn't get the baby I
wanted, I just decided to get a dog.

- Ah.
- Oh.

- Huh.
- But then the dog ran away!

So I went back to the adoption agency...

And that's when I found my little Gieux.

I bet I was a cute baby, huh?

I wish.

Well, anyway, your son is such a
great high school history teacher.

Yes, we learn so much.

Oh!

Aw, that just butters my heart.

What are you all studying
in school right now?

Uh...

Uh, ahem, why don't I let
one of my students tell you?

- Cat?
- Pass.

Sam, it's to you.

Uh...

He is teaching us about the American...

War!

And the declaration of...

Abraham Lincoln and then,
of course the great...

Depression, at Pearl Harbor...

Where Noah rolled...

Up his flaming ark.

God bless America.

Well...

I'm just so proud of my son.

Hey, can I ask you girls a favor?

- Sure.
- Maybe.

It's just... I've never seen
Gieux teach a class before.

Could you send me a video of him
in your classroom, doing his thing?

Uh...

Wait! Since you're in town,

why don't you just come watch
him teach a class in person?!

Oh!

Now my mom's gonna find out I'm not
really a high school history teacher,

and she's gonna make me move back to
Louisiana and work at the crawdad factory.

- What are we gonna do?
- I have an idea.

Oh, lemme guess... does
it involve mermaids?

And a magical boat?

Fine, just forget it.

Aw man, now Goomer's crying.

Come on, Gooms. Don't cry.

That's your favorite ice cream.

I can't help it.

Like I said a few minutes ago...

My mom is gonna find out I'm not
really a high school history teacher,

and then she's gonna make
me move back to Louisiana!

And work at the crawdad factory.

I feel like I've ruined Goomer's life.

No. You've just ruined
the rest of his life.

Come on Sam, you're smart and
sneaky! Think of something!

I did. See?

Peanut butter on a hot dog.

I call it P.B. and Ween.

How's it taste?

Like butt.

Come on. We gotta think
of some way to fix this.

Some things never get fixed.

Like my brother's itches.

Everything can be
fixed! You guys watch TV.

All problems can be
solved in a half-hour.

But this is real life.

Yeah. Not every bad
situation gets fixed by some

wacky character coming
up with a "genius plan".

I got it.

- What?
- What you got?

Whatcha got?

Okay! All we have to do
is find a real teacher,

who will let us use his
classroom for a little while.

And then Goomer can pretend to be a
teacher just long enough to fool his mom!

That won't work!

No real teacher is gonna let
us take over his classroom.

No real sane teacher.

You'll see where I'm going
with this in a second.

It's time to begin an exercise called...

"Backwards... acting".

- Now you see, anyone...
- Sikowitz!

Cat, you're very late!
Class is almost over.

This is more important than class.

More important than teaching
young people "backwards acting?"

Why are you dressed like a clown?

Who is that girl?

She's my friend and roommate, Sam.

Well, she's not allowed to be in...

Ah, farm-sauce.

- Class dismissed.
- Bye.

Now what's all the hissy-fuss?

You don't have a class in
here after lunch, do you?

Why?

We need to use this classroom.

You strike me as pushy.

She can be pushy.

I can also be punchy and kicky.

Can we please use your
classroom after lunch?

For what?

- Charity.
- What charity?

- Uh...
- The Salvation Goomers!

Yes, them.

What does this charity do?

They help teachers grow hair.

My classroom is yours.

Okay! This is your classroom.

- My classroom?
- Yeah.

And you better be a good teacher, or
else you're gonna be back in Louisiana

working in a crawdad factory.

Where's Dice?! You said
he was gonna be here.

He's coming.

When? What's taking so long?

He's only twelve.

Cat had to dress him up so he'll look
like a regular high school student.

Uh-huh.

Now, here are the cards that Cat
and I wrote up for you to use.

They have enough facts about
history to get you through one class.

Hey. Who's ready to meet teenage Dice?!

What'd you do to him?

I put him in teenage clothes, teenage
glasses, and a teenage headband.

He looks like a fuzzy hippie.

Well, Dice loves it, don't ya?

No, and why'd you give
me so much pit hair?

Why'd you give him any pit hair?

Because teenage boys grow this stuff!

Ooh look! The shruggers are here.

Okay, everybody go sit in the back and just
pretend like it's a normal history class.

Yeah, uh don't raise your hands
or say anything. Just react.

- Am I allowed to raise my hand?
- No. Keep that shrub outta sight.

Uh...

Oh. Guess what, children...

Today, we have a very special guest
here to watch me teach you all.

Please welcome, my momma...

Ms. Merr.

Okay, settle down.

Hey brothah, why don't you lay
some groovy, far out history on us?

Well, how am I supposed to talk?!

Hmm. Perhaps we're out of time.

- No, we're not.
- Read the cards!

Sam.

Oh yeah. The... the cards...

Are all his classes like this?

Oh, you just gonna shrug?

Now on these cards...

Are some history things
that I'm gonna teach y'all...

Today. So...

There... there's nothing...

They're all blank!

Turn 'em over.

What?

Like turn them over, man.

Oh.

Uh, let me see here, uh...

Uh, first...

Oh no! These are written
in a foreign language.

Ahem! They're upside down.

- I can't read a word.
- They're upside down, man.

What'd ya say?

What crawdad factory would hire you?!

All right! I went on
to Charityosity dot com!

And there is no mention of a
charity called the Salvation Goomers.

Ah!

What kind of a clown class is this?

Gieux?

I'm sorry momma.

I'm... I'm not a teacher.

- Humma?!
- I'm a...

- Goomer.
- Don't!

I'm a fighter.

I'm a Mixed Martial Arts
fighter. And I'm good at it.

What?!

Uh-oh.

What? Hey!

Wow!

A fake high school history teacher
who also works as a fighter?!

Who's impressed?! All of us?!

A fighter?! You?!

Yes, Ma'am.

I am your mother.

And you lied to me like a...

Cheap rug!

That burns my beezy.

When I adopted you...

I should have kept the receipt.

I burned my momma's beezy.

I'm taking off this headband.

Um, if I may?

Too much too soon.

- Don't give me your lip!
- Mama please.

I don't wanna work in a crawdad factory!

Poor Goomer.

I guess his mom is really gonna
make him move back to Lithuania.

Louisiana.

Same thing.

You might not be a little boy but I'm still
your mother, and you do what I tell you.

But mom!

Hey! Can I please say something?

Yeah! Let's hear what Sam has to say.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Now... does anyone know a place
around here to get Mexican food?

This is not taco time!

- Where are we?! Where's your apartment?!
- Right around that corner.

Good, because that's where you're
going to pack your bags so I can take

you home to Louisiana where you're
gonna work in the crawdad factory.

But momma!

Mrs. Merr, he's a really talented
fighter! He could be an MMA champion!

No son of mine is gonna waste
his life kicking and punching!

It's more than just
kicking and punching!

Yeah, there's choking
and arm-bars and blood...

Choking and arm-bars and blood?!

Oh my!

Hey... who are these guys?

Hi.

You're in the wrong alley.

No. I'm pretty sure this is
a shortcut to my apartment.

Man I'm done with the toothpick,
that's why I threw it at you.

Uh, Goom...

Gimme the purse and your watch.

- What?!
- Sam, do something!

Uh wait, this could be a good thing.

I said gimme the purse.

Oh no! Gieux!

Hey!

Get 'em, Goomer!

Policia!

Assistance!

Du po po!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh...

Hey hey!

What's going on?!

These men tried to
steal Ms. Merr's purse.

But then, then my son, he
fought all three of them.

And he ripped right through 'em like
a tornado through a trailer park.

Yeah. I bet you're pretty
proud of Goomer, right?

- Hmm?
- Uh, yeah yeah, I'm real proud.

So...

Officer...?

Bell.

Bell.

Hmm, that has a nice ring to it.

Well, thanks.

And speaking of rings, I don't
see one on your wedding finger.

No, Ma'am. My wife she
passed away a few years back.

Oh. Let's go talk about that.

Maybe I can cheer you up.

Okay.

But, wait! Momma! Does this mean I can
stay in L.A. and still be a fighter?!

Whatever!

Yay.

Not a hugger.

Yay!

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Turn the corn!

All right!

Mmm-mmm.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Mm!

Now I have to pee.

I'm not helping.