Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - #TextingCompetition - full transcript

Cat discovers Sam is really fast at texting and convinces her to compete in a texting competition against a sweet boy, Butler, who has an overbearing mom. Dice tries to avoid an annoying old friend.

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Subs created by: David Coleman.

But, see, whenever I flip the
switch, the machine flips it back!

You're a funny babysitter.

Thanks.

I think your head has a nice shape.

Thanks!

You wanna try flipping the switch?

I would, but my mom'll get mad
if I don't get my homework done.

Oh right, I'm supposed to be
helping you with your homework.

Here are the instructions from my mom.

Okay, Butler's homework. It says...



"Set TV to mirror phone".

- I'm not sure how to do that...
- Already done. Look.

Now you can see my
phone screen on your TV.

Wow, tekna-cool.

M'kay, next it says...

"Start talking and Butler will
text whatever words you say".

Look, I already did it.

Whoa! You're a fast little texter.

Ah! You did it again!

Whoa.

It's like you're texting what I
say even faster than I can say it.

Oh. Uh. Mississippi!
Uh... Abraham Lincoln!

Whoa! Um, um...

Cornballs!



Oh!

You have magical thumbs!

Hey, sorry I'm late. Here he is.

- Who's that?
- Butler.

The kid we're babysitting
today. I found him in the park.

But... this is Butler.

Hey.

Then who are you?

Randy.

Well...

Go back to the park.

So what's up?

You gotta watch this
kid do his homework!

That sounds fun but I'd
rather jam a fork in my leg.

Now, look, look, lookie!

Huh...

You're pretty fast
with your thumbs, kid.

Yeah, but why does your school
give you texting homework?

This isn't for school. I'm competing
in a texting competition on Saturday.

And my mom wants me to practice a lot.

- Ah.
- Makes sense.

Hey, ya wanna know a little trick
that'll help ya text even faster?

Sure.

Here, I call this the
thumb roll maneuver.

What do you mean?

See, like if you're
texting the word wazz...

Ya roll your thumb from
the W to the A to the Z.

- How'd you figure that out?
- I got a lot of free time.

And she's always
texting me about wazzing.

Sometimes while I'm wazzing.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

And then the beanstalk grew and grew and
grew by the hair of its chinny chin chin.

And as Eleanor Rigby picked up
the rice in the yellow submarine,

their bicycles flew past the moon,
and that was the end of the Klingons.

- Done.
- Done.

Whoa, you both texted every word I said!

Yep.

- You're a really fast texter.
- You too, kid.

Hey, you should enter the
competition with Butler.

Yeah!

Eh, I don't like to do things.

Oh, come on, I'll go
with you! It'll be fun.

- Eh...
- The winner gets a cool prize.

- What prize?
- A speed boat.

- There! That's it.
- Ah.

Oh, please enter the competition!
It's my dream to have a speed boat!

- Look, I just don't wanna...
- I gotta have a speed boat!

Who's that?

Probably my mom.

Oh, hey Mrs. Torso.

Hello, Cat. I'm here to retrieve Butler.

Hey, mom. This is Sam, she's
Cat's babysitting buddy.

Oh, good to meet you, Sam.

Lady.

Did you practice all the
texting exercises with Butler?

- Yeah.
- Did you?

Yes!

I even massaged his
thumbs like you said.

With lotion.

Thank you, Cat.

Sometimes Butler doesn't take his
texting as seriously as he should.

How seriously should
he take his texting?

Very.

You know we've won the extreme
speed texting championships,

the last three years in a row.

- Oh, you compete, too?
- No.

- You said we've won.
- Well, I'm Butler's manager.

- I thought you were his mom.
- I'm his mom and his manager.

I'm a Momager.

- Gross.
- Excuse me?

Hi.

- Hey mom, guess what.
- Yeah. I don't like guessing.

Sam might enter the speed
texting competition too.

Aw, that's cute.

- She might be as fast as me.
- Nobody's as fast as you.

- But mom...
- No.

Get outside right now
and wait on the bike.

- But...
- The bike!

Here's the money for babysitting.

Oh, and, Sam, please don't
come to the competition.

I don't want you distracting Butler.

Man, you really wanna win
that speed boat, don't ya?

I don't care about boats.

Ah.

If you guys don't care about boats...

As winner of the speed
texting competition,

Butler and I will also get an
invitation to meet the Vice President.

Near The White House.

Shouldn't they just invite Butler?

No! My life was nothing before
Butler became successful!

And now that good things are happening for
him, I get to participate in everything!

There's something about
that lady I don't like.

Is it that she's the worst person ever?

That's it!

There. Now, put your thumbs in
your pockets to protect them.

But, why can't I have my own bike?

Because I take you
wherever you need to go.

- But I'm almost ten!
- I'm in charge of us!

Okay. And then what happened?

His mom told me not to
come to this competition!

- And then she told him to get on her bike!
- And now, we're just walking in here...

- Telling you everything that's happened...
- Up until now.

Got it. I'm all caught up.

- Good.
- Great.

No. No no no no no.

What's wrong?

You see that kid over there!
The guy eating an egg...

That's B.J. Malloy.

- He a friend of yours?
- Not now.

But when I was little, our moms were
friends, so I had to play with him.

He's so annoying.

Wow, he's really sucking down that egg.

Yeah, because he loves 'em.
All he does is eat eggs.

- Oh, and he's an echoer.
- What's an echoer?

It's...

It's hard to explain.
Just help me hide from him.

Oh yeah sure, totally
no problem. But first...

Hey B.J., egg boy!

Shh! What are you...

Look, it's your old pal Dice!

Sam?!?

Sorry. No heart in here...

Just a dark empty space.

Bye.

Hey, Diceberg!

Hi, B.J.

I called ya Diceberg!

Get it? Rhymes with iceberg.

Yep. It still rhymes...

Just like it did back in second
grade when you said it every day.

So what you doing here?

Uh, my friend Sam is gonna
enter the competition.

Friend Sam is gonna
enter the competition...

- Because she's a really fast texter...
- Because she's a really fast texter...

So I'm thinking she might win
and take home that speed boat...

And take home that speed boat...

Here.

Have an egg.

Thanks.

A toast!

To eggs and old friendships.

Clink.

Selfie!

Ah, Butler!

Hey, there he is.

- Hi, Cat!
- Quiet.

I thought I told you not to
come here and distract Butler.

Oh, you did.

Well, then why are you here?

Because we don't care what you say.

She's so disrespectful.

You're not entering
the competition, right?

- Right.
- Good.

No wait, I am.

What?

She faked you out.

You know we've won this competition
for the last three years.

No, Butler won.

That's what I said.

No, you said we've.

I can say we've if I want to say we've.

In school we learned that the
ancient Indians used to weave rugs.

What are you, dumb?

Hey! Weave her alone.

She is all up in your business.

Stop laughing!

Look, Mrs. Torso, don't be upset.

If Sam wins the texting competition, you
can use our speed boat any time you want.

We don't care about
the stupid speed boat!

We want to meet the Vice President!

Come on, go.

Vice President of what?!

I think it's the Vice
President of America.

Oh. Do we know his name?

Nah, we're just high school students.

Right.

- Faster.
- Ow!

You're squeezing my clavicles!

Practicing?

Yeah, just loosening up my thumbs.

While you do that, I'll read you
this list I made of all the fun things

we can do on our new speed boat.

Yeah, don't do that.

Number one...

Wear boating hats.

Number two...

Make friends with a dolphin.

Number three...

Look for SpongeBob's pineapple.

Number four... go water sledding.

I hope I remember those.

Dude... you're really close to me.

Wanna bite of my egg?

Thirty-seven point two.

Dang it!

Forty point six.

Okay, not bad, but not good
enough to make the finals.

Okay, next up we got uh...

Debbie Paunch and...

Ah, little Butler Torso,
last year's champion.

All right, Butler.

Butler Torso.

We were champion the last three years.

Oh, great, and his mom's back, too.

Texters ready?

I am also...

Ready.

Okay.

Soon as the words appear on the screen
behind me, text them as fast as you can.

Come on, Butler! You can do it!

Yeah, buddy! You got this.

Concentrate! Destroy her.

- Man, look how fast that kid can text.
- Fast that kid can text.

Okay, you gotta quit
repeating everything I say.

Repeating everything I say.

- Will you stop it!
- Will I stop it?

- Come on, Butler.
- You can do it.

- Come on, Butler.
- Oh, hey. Hey.

- Type those words.
- Come on, Butler. Go. Yeah.

Nineteen point five seconds!

That's a new record!

Woo!

Yes! We did it!

We did it! We did it! We did it!

Who did it? We did
it. Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Okay, I think we're down
to our last two people.

Morris Kornblum. And Sam Puckett.

- It's Puckle!
- It's Puckett.

I have it in my contacts as Puckle.

- Well, change it.
- To what?

Puckett!

I'm leaving it as Puckle.

Hey, if she doesn't even know her own name,
she should probably be disqualified, right?

Huh?

Disqualify her!

Disqualify her!

- Sit down, lady!
- Disqualify her!

Oh, shut up.

Okay.

As soon as the words appear on the screen
behind me, text them as fast as you can.

Texters ready?

Let's blow this up.

Aaaaaand... go.

Hey Cat, when I'm done here,
ya wanna grab some food?

Sure, there's a hot dog
place right on the corner.

Mm, they have corn dogs?

Morris, ya like corn dogs?

Please, I'm texting!

Come on Sam, you're killing it!

Keep it up, Sam!

I would keep it up... but I... am...

Done!

Nineteen point two seconds!

Whoa, that's a new record!

Way to go, Sam!

No! Don't praise her!

Yeah, baby.

All right, everyone, settle
down please, settle down!

At seven o'clock, we'll hold the finals
in this room, where Sam Puckett...

- Puckle!
- Puckett!

Will compete against
last year's champion...

Last three years!

Butler Torso.

Butler.

Wait.

I'm almost done.

We're online in 30 minutes, people.

Diceberg!

Ah, kill me.

Are you excited for the finals?

Yeah. It will be cool to see if Sam
can beat Butler and win that speed boat.

So where is Sam?

Oh, she and Cat ate
a bunch of corn dogs,

so now they're sleeping 'em
off somewhere around here.

Well, sure, corn dogs
will make ya drowsy.

That's why I eat
high-protein, energy-packed!

Firm white eggs!

Hey, you wanna know what I heard?

What?

Eating eggs makes you grow butt warts.

Yeah.

The texting finals
will begin at 7:00 P.M.

Please be in your seats by 6:45.

Sam Puckett, report
to stage, Sam Puckett.

- What time is it now?
- Ten after seven.

Hey.

I told all my friends to watch this
competition online at seven P.M.,

and it's already ten after.

Yeah, I'm aware.

Hey, where's Sam Puckett?

I dunno. Last time I saw
her, she and Cat were...

- I'm here!
- We're here!

Ah!

Uh, what's going on?

- She did this to us!
- What?

You glued my hand to her
foot when we were sleeping!

You violated our nap!

Mom, did you do that?

Hm, maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

- I'm gonna help 'em.
- You're gonna help 'em.

Sam I'm sorry, but if you can't get your
hand loose, you're gonna have to forfeit.

- What?
- Aw.

Please, I can not believe this, what?

Why?

Is there a rule that
says I can't text...

One-handed?

Oh, what?

I need to check the rules,
quick, check the rules.

No.

There is no rule against that.

Then let's get texty!

Hop, hop, hop, hop...

- You don't need to say hop.
- I really do.

- Okay.
- Hop.

You better do this, Butler! If you win,
we get to meet the Vice President...

Sit down, lady!

Okay, we're live on the web.

And since we're late, let's get right to
the extreme speed texting championship!

Competing is three-time
champion, Butler Torso.

- Yeah!
- Butler!

Yeah buddy!

Yeah!

Against newcomer, Sam Puckett!

Who'll be texting one-handed!

Because her other hand
has unfortunately been

glued to a little
red-haired girl's foot.

I'm Cat, the girl with the foot!

- Both texters ready?
- Yes, Sir.

Call it.

Text!

Come on.

Come on, Sam!

Come on!

Text!

I'm texting!

Come on...

Butler!

Let's go!

Come on!

I hate you.

You better do this...

For me!

I wanna win again!

Oh!

Oh!

Sam wins!

Yeah!

A new record!

No!

Sam, you did it!

Butler Amadeus Torso...

You dropped your phone on purpose!

Maybe I did...

Maybe I didn't.

Hey, just lay off the kid.

No! Now we don't get to
meet the Vice President!

And we don't even get
the stupid speed boat!

But Butler does win our second prize.

My own bike?!

Oh, no. No! You can't
go anywhere without me!

Freedom!

Butler! Stop enjoying your childhood!

Hey, hey! When do we
get our speed boat?!

Right now!

What is this?

A speedboat for ants?

I'm not proud of it.

What are we supposed to do with that?

This is not so fun.

Yes, it is.

It's the Vice President again.

Ignore it.

This is not so fun.

Yes, it is.

It's Jerry Trainer again.

Ignore it.