Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - #NewGoat - full transcript

Sam and Cat take care of a goat and try to win over their landlord's son, who wants them evicted. Dice starts managing Goomer, a dumb MMA fighter.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Subs created by: David Coleman.

Do you see Sam?


I think she's peeing!

Okay, babysitter's in the bathroom...

Let's have some fun.

Inside Out Burger.

Yes, how big are your buns?

I don't know. Pretty big, I guess.

And would you say that
your buns are firm?

Or soft and squishy?


- Hey!
- Nothin'! We're just kids!

Were you guys making prank phone calls?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Without me?!


I am the master of prank phone calls.

I'll just pick a random number here...

- Hello?
- Yes.

Would you like to purchase a
pair of inflatable underpants?

Inflatable underpants?

Indeed. They're called...

"Poof Panties".

We can learn so much from her.

Yes, please hold, I'm having a
problem with my shrubbery. Oh.

Okay, on three, we scream as
loud as we can into the phone.



A one, a two...


Aw no!

The pizza!

Hey, help her up, would ya?


What happened?

- You fainted.
- Why?

- Did someone scare me?
- Yeah.

You guys! You can't scare me!

It makes me go non-conscious!

- Hey, grab my phone would ya?
- Oh, kay kay.


You want what?

Have any of you heard of Poof Panties?

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

- Hi.
- Morning.

- Whatcha blendering?
- Breakfast.


Oh! I had the weirdest dream last night.

Will you please not tell me about it?

- So I was on a boat...
- Oh.

And I fell into the water,
but I was wearing Poof Panties!

No way!

The end?

- No.
- Oh.

They inflated!

- Drink your breakfast.
- What's in it?

Well, you know how you love
fruit, yogurt and juice?

- Mm hmm.
- That's pizza and root beer.

I like it.

I'm coming in with a small goat.

Oh. Oh my gosh!

- Oh.
- Aw! I already ate breakfast.

He's not for eating.

Dice! Where did you get
this cute little goat?


I was walking down this alley,
and I met this foreign guy...

Okay. Forty bucks for the coat.

It is deal.

Wait, what is that?

Is goat.

No, I thought it was a coat, like...

Like a coat.

Wait! You said coat!

Well, I think he's adorable.

I'll sell him to you
for a hundred bucks.

You paid forty.

- Okay, then I'll sell him for forty.
- No.

- You can have him.
- Nope.

- Take him and I'll give you twenty bucks.
- Shaddep.

Come on! I gotta go to school
and I got nowhere to put him.

Why don't you just ask Sam
to babysit him for the day.


It'll be fun and easy.

Ya know what they say...

"Easy like a goat".

- Oh.
- Who says that?

The goat keepers?

- Just babysit my goat.
- Ah, fine, use me.

Come in.


Goomer! You don't say "come in".


You knock, then you wait for
someone inside to say "come in".

Come in.

So you bought a small
goat and a giant dude?

Nah nah. This is Goomer.

I'm Goomer.

He's a professional fighter MMA.


- No.
- M'muh?

Mixed Martial Arts.

Ya know, fighting, in the octagon.

MMA. Just like NFL.

If you say "niffle" I will
cook and eat this goat.


- So why's he with you?
- I'm his new manager.

You're gonna manage a fighter man?

Yeah! You know how much money I can
make if this guy wins a bunch of fights?

So how'd you end up being his manager?

My last manager quit, on account
a'he said I'm too stupid to manage.

Ah. You any good?

At what?

He's great. He's big,
strong, and he's crazy fast.

Yeah. Try and slap me, right across
the face, go ahead. See if you can do...


- Goomer!
- I wudn't ready!

Try it again. Try and
slap me right across...

All right, all right wait wait!

Lemme count to three.


Yeah, you're gonna make a
lot of money off this guy.

You just come by the gym later
and see what Goomer can do.

- What gym?
- Punchy's.

- You wanna go by this afternoon?
- Kay-kay.

Oh, I got to get to school.

- Yeah, me too.
- Come on.

- Oh, yeah. Ya gotta feed the goat.
- I'll feed the goat.

Look at that dog.

It's a goat!


- Bye, Sam.
- Bye, you guys!

- See ya.
- Come in!

Well, um...

All right, goat.

What's your name?

Okay Murf.

Let's drink some pizza.

So, first you press "menu"...

And then... hey, nope!
Pay attention Murf!

And then if you wanna watch TV, you...

Over here.

You press the "satellite" button.

No, no, the satellite button.

Here, pick a channel.

Nothing educational.


Let me in.


Thank you.


I knew I smelled an animal.


You're not allowed to have
that beast in this building.

- Why are you wearing a cape?
- Because I am.

- Are you a magician?
- No.

- Superhero?
- No.

I wear a cape because I like capes.

Weirdos like capes.

See this here?


This paper.

Did something poop on your forehead?

I command you to listen to me!

This says...

"Residents of this building
may keep cats or small dogs".

"No other animals allowed".

Are caped weirdos allowed?

You're new to this building, aren't you?


Well, I happen to be
a big deal around here.

And you have one day
to get rid of that goat.

- That's not a goat.
- Is too.

- It's a cat.
- That's a lie.

- It's a small dog.
- Another lie!

So you have no friends?


Sign this, to show that you've
been warned about your goat.

- I'm not signing anything.
- You will sign it!

Or I won't leave.

Ah! Oh!

How dare you put my shirt around my
waist and my pants around my torso!

Thanks for stopping by.

You give me back my cape!

- No.
- Why not?!

Because young boys shouldn't wear capes.

Sherlock Holmes wore a cape.

- Ah!
- Yes!

Nice! That's my Goomer!

- Hey-yo.
- Hey.

- What's up?
- Oh.

Okay okay, watch this.

Goomer! Show 'em what you got.

In my pockets?

No. Work that guy over.


- Okay, but do they have to...
- Oh.

- Yeah. Nice!
- Oh. Woo.

Use your feet!

- Oh.
- Yeah. Nice.

Yeah. Love it.

Boys! Boys! Boys! Stop!

Time out.


Fighting is never the answer.

Now, let's just try using our words.


Use your words.


I wanna punch you.

And hurt your face.


Don't want that to happen?

See? Now you've both expressed
your feelings without violence,

and that's the only good
way to solve a problem.


Violence also works.

So how's the goat?

Good. He told me his name.


And then some weird kid came
over and complained about him.

- Wait, who complained?
- Ah, some jerky kid wearing a cape.

- Dilben.
- Totally Dilben.

- So?
- What'd he say?

He tried telling me I
had to get rid of Murf.

And what'd you say to him?

- Not a lot.
- Good.

I just re-arranged his clothes,
stole his cape and threw him out.

- No, Sam!
- Oh man.


Dilben's father owns
the building we live in.

He can kick you guys out.


You shoulda used your words.

Yeah, he's really cute and he doesn't
eat a lot and you can have him for free!

Who ya talking to?

A farmer. I found him online.

Hi, sorry. I'm back.

So will you... why not?!

He's a goat, and needs a
home and you're a farmer.

- Cat.
- What's up?

He's not a farmer.


His name is farmer. See?

Robert T. Farmer.


I thought the "T" stood for "the".

Sorry, Robert, get back on your tractor.

Come in, Dice.

I'm not Dice. I'm...

Get out.

No. Um, hi, Dilben!

Come in. Would you like a muffin?

I spit on your muffins.

You should try butter.

Your goat is still here.

- It's not our goat.
- We're just babysitting him.

Yeah right.

Hey, you got another cape.

I wanna speak to your grandmother.

My Nona?

Get her.

She doesn't live here anymore.


- She moved to Elderly Acres.
- Yup.


And who else lives here with you two?



What are you yammin' about?

Building rules!

All apartments must have
at least one adult resident.

And since you're both in high
school, and you're keeping a goat!

My father has two
reasons to throw you out!



Before ya go...

Enjoy your Saturday.

I still have one more cape!

Suck a truck.

I will not suck a truck!

Or enjoy my Saturday!

Alright, Dilben, you
can have your cape back!


He was upset about the goat, so I
called a farmer, but he didn't want it.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa. Slow down.

- Who are we talking about here?
- Dilben!

Ulch, I hate that child.

He's always bragging about how
his father owns the building.

Excuse me. I'm here to fix a leak.

Oh yes. There's a pipe
leaking in the ceiling.

See that wet stain?

Yeah, I see it.

So, will you come by tonight?

- What for?
- We'll tell Dilben to bring his dad over.

And then we can tell 'em that
you're moving back in with us...

So he'll think we're really
living with somebody over eighteen.

Like way over eighteen.


I don't care.

All right. Yes, I'll come over tonight
and I'll tell them that I'm moving back in.

To keep that jerk-face boy
from bothering you both.

- Yay!
- Cool.

Thanks, lady.

And you're sure this is gonna work?

Yeah. We got this.

As long as we just stick to the
plan, make sure that nothing...

Why is this happening?

Because I'm scared we're going to
get kicked out of the apartment,

and we're having so
much fun living together.


We'll be fine.

That freaky little punk ain't
no match for Sam and Cat.

I'm so glad we're friends.

Hey, get off me, would ya?

Okay Nona. This is all up to you.

Tonight, you gotta make sure
that kid and his father believe...



Call Dr. Stanky.

- Dr. Stanky!
- Use your phone.

All right.

- Okay Goomer, you got it?
- Got what?

- The plan!
- Uh, all of it?

Yes, all of it! I've told you
three thousand times, come on.

Okay, I understand. Thank
you so much, Dr. Stanky.

Nona sprained her ankle
but she's gonna be okay.

Well, can she get over here? Because
Goomer's never gonna understand this plan.

Wanna see my big toe?

Goomer please, let's just
go over the plan again.


You're gonna pretend to be our Uncle.

Can I be Uncle Fudge?

- Fudge?
- You're just our Uncle.

- Who lives here with us.
- So why do I wanna show you my big toe?

Because something's
wrong with your head.


Dice, put the goat back in the shower!

I'm making a sandwich here.



Come on Murf! Going back in the shower!

So, how am I related to the goat?

You're not.



Ewe. What happened?

The goat sneezed in my face!

Well, wash off the goat snot.

- Ding dong.
- Ugh! That's Dilben.

- Okay Goomer, are ya ready?
- Yep. I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you.

No! You're our Uncle and you live here!

Uncle Fudge.

- No!
- No!

Hi, Dilben. This must be your dad.

May we come in?

Well, sure.

Just get in the shower with the
goat and make sure he stays there.

I don't wanna get in
the shower with a goat!

Shower with the goat!

- Oh!
- Bleh!

So my son tells me that
you're living here with a goat.

- Not anymore.
- No more goat.

They had a goat.

Well, now we don't.


And they're living here by
themselves without a proper grown-up.

By ourselves?

Uncle Goomer?

- Uncle Fudge?
- Oh hi.

I'm their Uncle, and I live here.

- With us.
- With them.

- And he's twenty-seven.
- Yup, wanna see his I.D.?

- They don't need to see his I.D.
- I would like to see his I.D.

- Sure, I got it right here in my pants.
- You don't need to show them your I.D.

Here it is.

Murf! Come back here!

- Ahoy!
- That's a goat!

Well, thanks for swinging by.

Now this says you live in Van Nuys.


I'm so ashamed.

- Ha! You girls are outta here.
- But this is our home!

Look if you want us outta here then
you're gonna have to call the cops.

Dilben? Are you in here?

- Dilben.
- Uh, what?!

I've never seen that man
before in my life, go away, dad!

Uh... stranger.

Who are you?

- Dilben's father.
- No!

Well, then who's this man?

All right then. I can clear this up.

- What is going on?
- This is getting kinda weird.

I'm Uncle Fudge.


Has Dilben been telling you that
his father owns this building?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

Well, I don't.

You're really his father?

That's right.

He's embarrassed of
me because of my job.

What's your job?

- I sell...
- Don't say it!

I sell wide shoes to wide-footed women.

Oh, no! Ah!


Why is it such a big deal?

You think it's easy being
unlikable and having a dad,

who sells wide shoes
to wide-footed women?!

Ya think it's fun for me,
having a son who wears capes?!

They're fashionable!

Okay, ho ho hold on.


You're just an annoying kid
who lives in this building?

He certainly is.

And you just sell wide shoes?

To wide-footed women, yes.

Well, since neither of you
have any power over us...


Murf sneezed on Goomer.

Bad dog.

Is that my toothbrush?

Would I own a pink
toothbrush that does this?

♪Brush your teeth, brush your teeth.
Brush your teeth, brush your teeth.