Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - #TheBritBrats - full transcript

Sam and Cat babysit two polite British girls; Sam tries to fulfill a community service requirement at Elderly Acres.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Subs created by: David Coleman.

And... there's a pic of me...

With... a donkey...

And a...


I'm home from school!



Oh! Ow!




I fell off my bike, but I don't
think I broke any of my parts.

Ah, you'll break something later.

So, what you dooly-in?

Online school.

I gotta prove that I did four hours
of community service this month.


So I'm sending in some pics of
me, feeding homeless animals.

Oh right, because they don't
have kitchens to make meals.

- Yeah, sorta.
- Mm.

So, there's a pic of me,
feeding a needy donkey.

Um, I'm not sure that
donkeys eat burritos.

Yeah, I was worried about that.

Here, how about this one?

You're feeding a dinosaur.

On a submarine.

Sam, your online teacher isn't
gonna believe those pics are real.

Eh! Well I gotta do community
service, and I dunno know what to...

- What ya got there?
- Oh, special fruits, from England.

Called Plum-Figgles.

Let me see.

They should call 'em Puke-Figgles.

Why ya buying foreign fruits?

For the British kids we're
babysitting this afternoon.

Oh yeah.

Hey, ya know what British kids love?

- What?
- Bibble.

It's sorta like a candy
popcorn that like...

I know what it is!

I can't buy any Bibble.

Oh, sure ya can. There's that Bibble
store just a few blocks from here.

Yeah, well, maybe some people
have been banned from that store,

and aren't allowed to buy
Bibble from there anymore.

People like you?


- Ding dong, I'll get it.
- Who's here?

Probably Gwen and Ruby.

Hi, and welcome to
our American apartment.

All right, girls, step
inside, no need to dilly.

These are my nieces...

Gwen and Ruby.

- Nice to meet you.
- Good afternoon.

Hi. I'm Cat, and that's Sam.

I'm the mean one.

Alright then, I'm off to the orthodontist,
so you girls mind your manners.

Yes, Uncle Hubbins.

We promise.

- Cheers.
- Seinfeld.


So, what you guys wanna do?

Oh, anything would be lovely.


- Well, we could make some tea.
- You could do our laundry.

- We can play games.
- You can rub my feet.

- We can sing songs.
- While you rub my feet.


Who texted?


She wants me to go to Elderly Acres
and help her set up a bingo game.

- I'll just tell her we're babysit...
- No, I'll go.

- But we have to babysit.
- It's perfect...

I gotta get my community
service done for online school...

So I'll just go to Elderly Acres,

and take some pics of me pretending
to help out some old people.

- But we have to babysit Gwen and Ruby.
- I'm sorry, what did ya say?

- That I need you to help me take care...
- Oh, hang on, lemme shut the door first.

I said that I need you
to help me take care of...

Well, how's she gonna hear me now?

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Here you go.

All right...

Uh, B-Nine.

Anybody got B-Nine?


I have a tumor that's bee-nine.

Yo, Nona...

- Where is Cat?
- Home. What ya need?

Oh, nobody wants to play my bingo game.

Hey, that's great.

So, I need ya to sign this form...

Here, here and here.

What's it for?

I'm supposed to do four hours of community
service, every month for online school.

Oh, that's lovely.

Yeah, it's a jam.

Anyway, since you're all elderly...

You're allowed to sign this form that says
I helped out some senior citizens here.

But you haven't helped anything.


So how can I sign that?

With this pen.

What, ya got arthritis brain?

- Sam...
- Eh!

If you want me to sign this...

Here it comes.

Then help me get a really
good bingo game going here.

Ulch, I dunno how to do that.

Oh, sure ya do. You're all young
and cool and all heezy jeezy...

No one says that.

Come on, if you help me set up
a really snazzy bingo game here.

I'll sign all the forms you
want for your InterWeb school.

You can even twit about
it on your tweeter.


Heezy jeezy.

Uh... don't you guys
wanna do something fun?

But we are. I'm knitting.

And I'm reading a book about knitting.

But I feel so useless.

- We're sorry.
- We didn't mean to be naughty.

No, I didn't say you were being nau...

Ah, just knit and read.

The Dice-man cometh.

Hey Dice. What ya selling today?

I'm not selling anything
today. Because...

At these low prices, I'm
practically giving 'em away!

Yay! I love when he does this!

Who wants to buy a Spife?!

I do, I do, what's a Spife?

Okay. How many times have you been
eating cereal, when suddenly...

You need to cut up a sausage?


Well, if you did you'd use a Spife!

See?! It's half spoon, half knife.

Oh my God!

Ya wanna buy one?

Yes, yes, just shut
up and take my money!

We like your friend's hair.

- It's curly.
- Like a sheep.

Oh, Dice, these are girls that Sam
and I are babysitting... Gwen and Ruby.

You ladies wanna buy a Spife?


I'll text my Uncle and see if he agrees.

Whoa! Is that the Pear Phone six?!

Yes, do you like it?

Yeah! But how do you have that?! They
don't come out for three more months!

Our daddy works for the Pear company.

- He gets the new phones early.
- We get lots of them.

For free.

Will you please sell me five phones?

- I don't know.
- I'll give ya a hundred bucks each one!

- Dice, that's a lot of money.
- Who cares?!

These phones aren't even out in
America yet, I can triple my money!

Sell me five phones?!

- All right, very well.
- Yes! I'll go get my money!

You do that.

Well, back to my knitting.

And my book about knitting.

Well. I'm gonna go eat some cereal...

Or cut up a sausage!

All right, all right, all
right, all right, all right!

Woo hoo!

People of Elderly
Acres, let's bring it in!

Yeah. Let's go.

Come on, let's go let's go...

Sam... are you sure
this is going to work?

D.J. peeeee...


How we doing how we doing?!

How we doing how we doing?!

How we do...




Yeah. Now here's how
we're gonna do this thing!

My man P. Doody's gonna call the balls.

Call the balls, call the balls!

Sam... Sam...

When you hear a letter and a number,

I want you to check your
bingo card and see if you...

- Sam!
- What?!

They're gone.

That hurts my feelings.


If you could just sign
here, here, and here...

Here are your Pear Phone sixes.

Yeah! And here's your
five hundred bucks.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Enjoy the phones.
- Don't text and drive.

I got the phones!


Uh, I need something
to open up the box with!

Use my Spife!

Oh, man, I cannot wait
to see these new pho...


Wow. They really changed the design.

Those little girls were supposed to
sell me five new Pear Phone sixes...

And they sold me rocks! Rocks!

- They're nice rocks.
- Who cares?!

Any rock collector would.

I just wasted six hours trying to do
four hours of stupid community service.

Oh, yeah. Did that cost
you five hundred bucks?!


Dice bought Pear Phones
from Gwen and Ruby,

but when he opened the
box, it was full of rocks.

What?! That's the
oldest trick in the book.

I can't believe you fell for
the old rocks-in-the-box con.

It's not funny!


Come here, ya
curly-haired little moron.

I'm so upset.

Come on, you guys, I'm sure
it's just a misunderstanding.

Those little girls
are so sweet and nice.

Yeah, while they're robbing you.

If they were mean, they'd have
a hard time conning you outta...

- How much money?
- Five hundred.

I know, I just wanted
to hear ya say it again.

Ugh! You don't even care!

Well, not a lot...

But come on, let's go bust some
heads and get your cash back.

- Yeah!
- No.

There will be no busting
of young British heads!

I'm gonna go talk to them
and get Dice's money back.

We're going to have a dialogue.

- Rocks?
- Yeah.

Well, that's peculiar. I was sure
there were Pear Phones in that box.

See, I knew it was
just a misunderstanding.

So, can Dice have his money back?

But of course he can.

Ruby... go fetch all the
money that Dice gave us.

Wait! That snack...

That snack she's eating...

Is she eating...



- Do you want some?
- No! Yes! I mean...

How much Bibble do you have?

We brought a big tin jug of it.

From England.


My God!

I'm back!

I got Bibble! I got Bibble!

I'm back and I got Bibble!


- Did you get my money back?!
- Yes! At first.

And then what?

And then they had this big tin
jug of Bibble, which I bought!

Where's my Spife!

There's my Spife!


How much did you spend on that can?

The can was free! I just
paid for the Bibble inside!

How much?!

Five hundred dollars...

Plus my bike!

Don't judge me!

You gave those little
Brit-brats all Dice's money?!

And my bike! Everyone
clear? Everybody up to speed?

I hope so, because I
gotta eat me some Bibble!




Cotton swabs?!

So... my roommate Sam
says you guys conned me...

But I'm sure these cotton swabs
were just an honest mistake.

So, if you could give me
my Bibble now, I'd really...



And it's pronounced "swabs".


They blasted me in the face.

With hose-water.

I got a cousin who lives
in a town called hose water.

She has hair...


Those little twerps stole
my five hundred bucks!

And my bike, my sweet pink bike.

I can't believe they tricked us.

They're con artists.
That's what they do.

They find dumb people and they
trick 'em outta their money.

Or... people like you.

That does it. I'm gonna go over there, kick
their door in, and then take my money back!

Don't do it, they have a hose!

Hey... if you wanna beat a con
artist, there's only one way.

You gotta out-con the con.

I'm already confused.

You con them. You gotta
beat 'em at their own game.

They're too smart.

Not too smart for Sam Puckett.

The author?


You wrote a book?

Okay... here, hang on to the script.

Ooh, you printed it on
my favorite kind of paper.

- Blue?
- No. Holed.

Hey, Sam, Cat...

Yes, worms rule!

Hey! The British are coming!
The British are coming!

They'll be walking by
your door in ten seconds!

Eight... nine...

- Ten.
- Ahem.

I don't know, Sam. Are you sure?

I've never done a scam before.

Well, I've scammed a lot of
people, and I'm telling you...

This is going to be the
greatest scam of all time.

So... it's all about the
bingo game at Elderly Acres?

Yes. All we have to do is make sure
that we get bingo card number fifty-four.

Card number fifty-four.


Because whoever gets bingo
card number fifty-four...

Wins that huge new TV set, which is
worth over three thousand dollars.

Let's go.


You're supposed to say "yay".


All right, residents of Elderly Acres...


Who's ready to play some
slightly less extreme bingo?

Um... now remember...

The first person to
achieve bingo will win...

This seventy inch LZD TV!

That's right.

So many inches!

Sam, look!

Hey hey ho, you two
can't play bingo here.

We can so!

We're going to win that
large television machine.

Well, I guess there's nothing I can
do to stop you from playing, so okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay, anyone who still
needs a bingo card,

you can buy one from
Nona, right over there...

Five bucks per card.

Hello. I'd like to buy
a bingo card, please.

Of course. Here ya go...

Card number fifty four.

- Thank you.
- Wait!

- Yes?
- We want to buy that card.

But I'm buying it.
Here's my five dollars.

I'll give you ten dollars for that card.

I'll pay fifty dollars for that card!

- One hundred!
- Two hundred!

My pacemaker!

All right! I will buy
that bingo card for...

Five hundred dollars.

I'm sorry, but I have to sell the
card to this little foreign girl.

But... but...


All right, you Yanks!
Let's play some bingo!

I want a juice box!

And get her a juice box!


The next number is...

G forty-one.

Yes! Look Ruby, we got another one!

We should go to Vegas!

Uh... there's a scratch on this number.

I should probably just toss
this one in the trash...

Just say the number!

Get on with it!

B seven.


We just won a giant television machine!


Okay, this is a raid!

Why are we being raided?!

This is an illegal bingo game.

Since when is bingo illegal?

When you're giving away a prize
worth over two thousand dollars.

Cat, you're running
an illegal bingo game!

- But this was Nona's idea!
- I don't even know these girls!

- What?!
- Nona!

All right, now a lot of you people
here are in some big trouble!

- Are you girls mixed up with this?
- No, we were just playing.

- Then I better get you outta here.
- This is ridiculous!

- Ma'am...
- But we won the television machine!

- Come on, let's go! Come on.
- But we did nothing wrong.

- We were just playing.
- Why are you hustling us?

I never got my juice box.

Come on, this way.

But our five hundred
dollars is back in there!

Do you wanna end up in jail?

- No!
- Not again!

I don't wanna hear anymore.
No. Three of you are...

I don't wanna hear. You cannot blame me.


The British girls are gone!

Oh, my sweet pink bike!

I missed you so much!

And Dice, here's your
five hundred dollars.

Whoa! Yeah baby!

Okay, way to go elderlies!

You all did a great job! Yeah, yeah.

I even thought they were real cops.


My gun is made of black cheese.

So uh, now will ya sign
my community service form?

Oh why not?

Wait! The boy got his money,
the red-head got her bike.

Blondie got her thing signed...

What'd we get?

Spifes for everyone!




Is anyone here?

Come and find us.

We can't spend the night in a dumpster.

It's not very safe.

That's a wrap!


We did a "Sam and Cat".