Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - #FavoriteShow - full transcript

Cat is devastated when a cable network cancels a TV show about a family of cross-dressers.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Subs created by: David Coleman.

- Hi!
- Ah!

Good morning.

How many times have I told you
not to wake me up like that?

Well, you've been living
here two days, so...


Hey, shouldn't you be on your little
pink bike, pedaling off to school?

Nah, I got some time.

Besides I wanna finish watching
the new episode of "That's a Drag".

- Oh, you like that show?
- I love that show!

- I love that show.
- Ah.


Hey, do you have the remote?

Uh, yeah, might be
under my covers there.

Oh yeah, I think I found...

A bone with meat on it.

Ah, there's my beef rib.

Tried to escape, eh?

Well, now, you're
going in the hole, see?

Where'd ya get a beef rib?

Your Nona brought over a
whole rack of 'em last night.

Yay, I love my Nona's ribs!


You can suck on the bones.

- Oh, here's the remote.
- Turn on "That's a Drag".


Oh the giraffe.

Hey, mom, does this skirt
make my butt look big?

No. It makes your butt look just right.


Now, gimme back my laptop!

Look, on TV shows, they don't
let 'em use real Pear computers,

so they change the Pear to a banana.

That's so clever!

Well, I found him.


What happened to you?!

Your dress is filthy!

And your face...

I joined the football team.


That is so cool!

I say that skirt does
make his butt look big.



Come in, Dice!

Any girls here have heads?

Yes! We both have heads!

Then I got something you both need.

Barbecue sauce?

Hats. Only 50 cents each.

Why does it say alababama?

They spelled it wrong.

Ya got any defective
hats from other states?

Yeah. I got kentacky, newbraska...

Mouth Dakota, montuna.

Momma wants montuna!


Hey, you guys got any breakfast?

There's some meat left on this bone.

- I'm gonna nuke it.
- I don't care.

Ding dong.

- Why'd ya do that?
- Do what?

- Hi.
- Hey. I saw this flyer.

- You two are babysitters?
- Yes.

I mean...

One moment please.

Our first real customer! Now
we're professional babysitters!

Shh! Just be cool! We don't want
him to know we're new at this!

He's three feet away.

So can you guys babysit my boys?

- Sure!
- When?

- Today after school?
- That works.

Yeah! Wuh! Wuh! Wuh! Shh, be cool.

I'll try to control myself.

- I'll see ya later.
- Yeah, you will.

It's not like we're new at this.

Oh, yay, I'm so excited I get to...

Ah geez, I gotta get to school.

Hey, don't you have to go to school?

Yeah, but I do it online now. See?

Yay, I'm at school.

- Bye, Sam.
- See you.

Bye, guys. Later. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Math.

Let's see...

Channel 2...

Plus channel 5...

Equals channel 7.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Sam! Sam, it's so bad.

It's so bad.

Look. I took two rib bones
and made 'em into a weapon.


I can't... no, I
can't. I can't. I can't.



Hey! Hey, hey! Why are you freaking out?

I was... I was reading "Redline
Hollywood," and they canceled.

They canceled "That's a Drag"?!?
Why? That show's a big hit!

What kinda TV network
cancels a big hit?!

It's insane! They're not even
gonna do a big final episode!


Ding dong.

Go away! A quality TV
show's been canceled!

No, it's the kids we
promised we'd babysit.

Aw, crepes.


Here's my boys. Ethan, Bob. Later.

Wait! Are there any
special instructions or...

'Kay later.

Hello, children.

You guys wanna break some bottles?


We could watch a movie
or play video games.

Hey, hey, okay, what're we doing here?

Aw, he's cuddling your leg.

Yes, how cute.

Are you gonna feed us dinner?

- Sure.
- What are we having?

- We can have chicken.
- Do you have a pet?

- No.
- Why is your hair red?

- Oh, well, I use this...
- Do you have any diseases?


Kid, dude, let go.

- Do you like frogs?
- No.

- Do you have a bowling ball?
- No.

Did ya hear they
canceled "That's a Drag"?




- Ah, okay, here we go.
- Where do we go?

- That's not what I meant.
- What did you mean?

I was about to tell Cat that I
found some information online.

Information about what?

About how to remove
tongues from little boys.

Hey, did you find out who's
in charge of "That's a Drag"?!

Yeah, the producer is some
guy named Jeff Du Shell.

And they film the show
at West Hollywood Studios.

That's not far from here!

Ewe, Bob, you're drooling on my sweater.

Hey, look, a chair, fun.

Well, come on, let's go save a TV show.

Yeah! Roommate power!


Let's touch rings.

I don't wear rings.

Oh. Well, then let's bump butts!

I'll buy a ring.


It's the set of "That's a Drag"!

It looks just like it does on TV!

Except the men are wearing pants.


You supposed to be here?

Hey, hey, hey, you're Cheb, right?

Yeah, who are you?

- This is Cheb.
- 'Sup Cheb?

What are you doing here?

Your car's on fire.

My hatchback?!

On my way, baby!

Later, Cheb.

Cheb's nice.

Bob, ya gotta quit squeezing my thighs.

There. See that guy?

He loves to cuddle.

Go get some.

Where's the bathroom?

Uh, probably that way.

- Will you come with me?
- No.

What if my zipper gets stuck?

Yank on it.


Just call Richard Weitz and
tell him to get me a job.

Oh, hello? Can I help you?

I dunno, what are you?

I'm Jeff Du Shell, the uh...

The producer of "That's a Drag"?!

Yes, I am.


- What was that for?!
- To make your foot hurt!

For canceling our favorite TV show!

All right, listen...

Cat, producers don't cancel shows.

Yeah. I'm more upset than anyone.

Not than me! Oh!

Please tell those men
to stop moving things!

I can't do that.

Okay, everyone, take five!

Hey, you, where's that
kid that was on your leg?

Oh. I think he climbed up there
and crawled inside that stage light.


Aw, man. Well, just help me get him.

I'm on a break.

You have to save the show!

I tried. I did everything I could.

But you can't just throw
this whole world away!

Right, Sam?

Yeah, I got a situation with Bob here.

Look, kid, I just think...

I mean this is the chair where
Dillon threw up on his bunny!

And what about these cool
stairs that really go nowhere,

but thanks to the illusion of
television seem like they go somewhere?

And this couch, where Grampers showed buddy
and Chip that weird trick with his thumb?

B'doop, b'doop.

Look, my phone just beeped.

I've got to go play tennis.

Wait. But Mr. Du Shell!

I'll play tennis with you!

Ah! Seriously, Bob.


- Mr. Du Shell!
- I'm sorry! The show is canceled.

Uh! Well, no!

Mr. Du Shell, please,
no, don't get in the car.

No! Don't start the car!

Uh! You started the car!

No, Mr. Du Shell, please,
you're my only hope!


I'm not giving up yet!



You can't just wipe me away!

No. Oh! Mr. Du Shell, you have to stop!

Please?! Ah!

Bob, are you gonna make me
come up there and get you?

Okay, let's see.

Uh, the light is hanging
from that chain...

Which goes to that rope...




Buckle up, Bob.


Now that is good babysitting.

Does Batman wear underwear?


Is this a couch or a sofa?

I don't know.

- Do monsters get sick?
- I don't care.

What are bellybuttons for?


Hi, it's me, Cat.

Dude, where ya been?!

On the hood of that
producer guy's car...

All the way from
Hollywood to Santa Monica.

- What?! That's like seventeen miles!
- Yeah.

I finally fell off when
we hit a speed bump.

These broke like my heart when
they canceled "That's a Drag".

Aw, don't cry. You're getting all...


Boop, boop!

Boop, boop!

Ya know what you need?

My own unicorn?

And a little...

"That's a drag".

I can't believe he's gone.

Well, Grampers may be gone,
but the good news is...

We'll always have his teeth.

Yeah. At least, we'll
always have a piece of him.

I wish I could always
have a piece of this show.

I need a cookie.

I got one more hat.

Who wants to buy tennesippi?

No one. You're coming with me.

- Where we going?
- Bup, bup, bup!

Hey, you mind watching these kids?

I gotta go do something.

I don't mind. Maybe they'll cheer me up.

Atta girl.

My cookies.

Whoa, this is where they
film "That's a Drag"!

- Shh!
- Shh!

Listen, I'm gonna create a distraction.

When I do, you sneak
on the set and, um...

Grab that zebra lamp, stuff it down
your pants, then I'll meet you outside.


Because the show's canceled!

And I want Cat to have a piece
of it, ya know, to keep forever.

Aw, you're sweet.

Never call me sweet.

No, no, no! I said...


Just get ready to grab the lamp.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't
steal stuff. I'm a deal maker.

Just grab the lamp and
I'll give ya 20 bucks.


Ah! Injury!

Bleeding arm!

Oh, look this way! Arm blood!

Her arm's bleeding! What do we do?!

Uh, just keep looking
at my bleeding arm!

Hey! There's a kid putting
a lamp down his pants!

Get the kid!


I had an itch. I had to scratch it.

Bleeding arm.

Blood on your donuts!

Why are we at a home for the elderly?

Because old people love little kids.

Look, everyone!

Who wants to squeeze
some adorable children?!

Oh, good, here ya go. Here's Bob.

Watch out. He's a hugger.


Oh, hi, Nona.

I didn't know you were coming to visit.

Yeah, I just really needed
a break from those kids.

And I need a hug from my Nona.


How's your day been?

Pretty rough. But I'm
starting to feel better.

Ya know, putting the
bad stuff out of my mind.

Oh, good.

Oh, did you hear they
canceled "That's a Drag"?

Oh! Why'd ya say it?

No, no, that wasn't me.

- I've got a good reason.
- You got a good reason. Tell me.

- Tell me what the good reason is.
- I don't know what it is.

All right, all right,
hold up, cut, cut it, cut!

Why's she yelling cut?

You watch it or I will
write your name down.

Who are you?

Um, who am I?!

I am the assistant to the
President of this studio.

- You look like a teenager.
- Hey!

I have a graduate degree from
the University of alababama.

Now, you go wait outside.

- But he's the boy that tried to steal...
- Go!

Smeet me in the parking lot.

Okay, where ya taking all
this "That's a Drag" stuff?

To storage warehouse 14.

Oh, no no, no. No, no.

Gimme that.

My boss wants all this
stuff to go to this address.

All of it?

All of...


And some pizza.

- What kind?
- All kinds!

- Okay, let's go, let's go!
- Three cheeses!



Why are you making cat sounds?

Because Cat's coming!

So why not just say, "Cat's coming"?

Oh, because I was, ya know,
using a special signal because...

Cat's coming.

Shut the fridge!

Ya like it?

Like it, I love it!

It's all the stuff from "That's a Drag"!

Sho' is.


We have to find out who did this!

I did this.


Sam, you're so sweet.

Hey, never...

I guess I'm a little sweet.

Well, come on!

Roommate power!


Ah! Woo!

Woo! Hoo!

Not a hugger. Not a
hugger. Not a hugger!

Wait, where's all my Nona's stuff?!

- I dunno, some storage warehouse.
- But what if she gets mad at us.


Why do boats float?

No more questions!

Are you on Medicare?

Nona, about your furniture, I...

Just yank this child off my back.

I got him.


Thank you.

I'm going away now.

- Uh...
- Oh...


Is that a new lamp?


Same old lamp.

Zebra colored.

Not from a TV show.

I could swear something's different.

- Will someone read me a story?
- No.

- Is toothpaste a vegetable?
- No.

Can I jump off the roof?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Bob, please let go.

- Who invented peanuts?
- I don't know.


- Do spiders get headaches?
- Spiders!

Bob seriously.

- Will you wash my pants?
- That's it!

Come on we're going somewhere. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Purse. Thank you.