Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 1 - #Pilot - full transcript

Hey! Aren't you Sam from "iCarly"?

- You a cop?
- Nope.

Yeah, I'm Sam.

- What are you doing here in L.A.?
- Looking for fun.

Uh, how are your breakfast burritos?

- Disgusting.
- I'll take a jumbo.

- Pawsley?!
- Here Pawsley!

- Pawsley! Where are you?!
- Pawsley!

Pawsley! Where are you?!

I'm stopping my vehicle.

- Hi. What's wrong?
- We can't find our cat.



Shut up, My name is Cat!

Could ya help us find our cat?

Ooh! I heard a meow!

- Ooh! Kitty, wait!
- Pawsley!

Hold on kitty, I'm coming!

- Pawsley!
- Ooh!

- Ugh!
- Pawsley!

Here, Pawsley!

- Pawsley?
- Ooh!

Ooh! The hinge!

Oh, I see the kitten!
Gimme a boost. Come on!

Ooh!

Ah.

Ooh! Here ya go!



- Awesome!
- Thanks!

Bye. Ooh!

Oh! Dang it, my gum fell outta my mouth!

Hey gum, where'd ya go?

What's that red-headed
chick doing in a trash can?

And why is there a
battery in my burrito?

Where'd ya go, gum?

Hey! Hey, don't pick up that trash can!

There's a girl in there!

Oh my God!

Oh! Uh...

Ah, man. I'll miss you.

Hey!

Hey wait, Mister!

Wait! Hold up!

Dude, stop the truck!

It ate a girl.

Ah!

Hey! Hello?!

- Hi!
- Whoa!

Ha ha ha!

Oh my gosh! That was so much fun!

Not so fun for this guy.

Whoa, you're Sam from "iCarly"!

Yeah, now let's get... ooh!

What was that noise?

I think it's the sound of two girls about
to be squashed inside a garbage truck.

A-ha ha.

Oh, you don't mean us right?

- Whoa!
- Oh!

We gotta get outta here!

I can't, I'm gonna faint!

- You're not gonna faint!
- Are you sure?!

Because whenever I
get really scared I...

Ugh. All right, I'll save your life.

But you're buying me a new burrito.

♪ I'm never that far ♪

♪ No matter where you are ♪

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true ♪

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say ♪

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah! ♪

♪ But I, I, I, I... ♪

♪ I'll never say, never ♪

♪ As long as we keep it together ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means ♪

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind ♪

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules ♪

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine ♪

♪ Just fine ♪

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine ♪

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Ah!

Oh.

You okay?

Um, yeah, I think.

Oh.

- Hmm.
- Yeah.

Oh, where are we?

Uh, I dunno, some hotel.

Ooh, what's that smell?

That's you. And me.
From swimming in garbage.

I gotta go find somewhere
to hose myself off.

Ooh! Well, come take
a bath at my Nona's!

- What's a Nona?
- My Grandma! I live with her.

- Oh, thanks, but you don't have to...
- Oh, please?

You saved me from being
squished in garbage.

Let me repay you with
the gift of bathing!

'Kay. How far is it?

Because I'm all gross and I
don't wanna Jank up my motorcycle.

- It's pretty far.
- Hmm.

Follow me, and do what I do.

'Kay kay.

Hey! Hey buddy, where ya been?!

Uh, I believe you have the wrong limo.

I'm here to get...

Doctor Williams and take him to the
airport so that he can fly back to England.

Well, uh, we're Doctor
Williams-es daughters-es.

My name's Ophelia.

Heh?!

You're supposed to take
us to meet our daddy!

But nobody told me anything
about taking two girls...

Ah! Oh. Oh, no.

- Please don't strike us!
- We're just girls!

- Can you see this man?
- I wasn't going to...

- Please, help us.
- No, no. Stop it.

All right. All right. All
right. Just get in the car.

- Yay!
- Weeeeee!

- Yay! Yay! Yay!
- Yay, yippee, very good, okay.

- Yay. Woo. Woo.
- Everything's fine. Hello.

Uh, you got another robe I can wear?

You know, one that doesn't make
me look like a vomiting rainbow?

No. But don't worry, your
clothes are in the dryer.

And when'll they be ready?

When my Nona comes home and
shows me how to start the dryer.

Come in, Dice.

What's up, Valentine?

- Who's the kid?
- That's Dice, he lives in this building.

Yup, and guess what I got today.

Ooh is it something?

Yeah. Hair.

In bags.

You girls wanna buy some?

I would. But just yesterday I
ordered a huge bag of hair online.

No no no no no. This...

Is celebrity hair.

See, I got hair from
Will Smith, Katy Perry,

I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber...

How much for the Bieber?!

- Thirty.
- I'll take it!

Oh.

Ya know... you look like Sam,
from that web show "iCarly".

Nah, that chick's way hotter than me.

She is Sam.

Whoa! You're awesome!

Yeah.

- Will you gimme some of your hair?!
- I'll sell you some of my hair.

I'll come back later
with bags and scissors!

Run fast with those scissors!

Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs.

I can't help it.

He smells so talented.

Nona!

Nice sack.

Get me out of this thing!

- Nona, be careful.
- Sam, grab her, please.

- I got her.
- Ah! Oh, oh. Put me down.

- Nona, hey.
- Oh. Oh. Okay.

- Are you all right?
- There you go.

- Woo.
- What happened to you?

Those little demons happened to me!

Nona babysits for a lot of the
little kids in the building.

Not anymore.

I'm tired of those rotten
kids putting me in sacks!

Peeing everywhere!

It's time for me to
move to Elderly Acres.

No! Nona, you're not
moving to Elderly Acres!

- But it's a wonderful place!
- Well, then I'll move there with you!

It's only for elderlies.

But I can't live here alone!

What if I fall in the
toilet and get stuck again?!

Oh. I'll just be five blocks away.

- Five blocks? Nona, that's too...
- Hey... hey, hey hey!

Huh?

If she gets stuck in a toilet again,
will you please text me a pic of that?

- Why is she here?
- She's visiting.

Is it okay if she stays
here with us tonight?

Uh, sure.

I assume you don't have a prison record.

Yeah, you assume that.

Hmm?

I don't understand...
whoa. What are you doing?

Wait. What's happening?
How is this possible?

Whoa!

Help!

Ah!

Oh! Ah! Hey! You nutty old lady!

Oh! Let me out!

Help!

Hello?

What's going...

Ghost couch!

Ow! Cat! Cat!

- Hello?
- It's me, Sam!

Let me outta this couch!

- Hurry.
- Oi.

Oh.

That's not how you sleep in a sofa bed.

Your nutty Nona folded
me up in this thing!

Oh, yeah, sometimes she sleep-walks.

She does stuff and she
doesn't even know it.

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm gonna sleep here next to
you, so you don't get scared.

I don't get sca... oh, whatever.

So, how long are you
gonna be here in L.A.?

I dunno.

Well, don't you wanna
get back to Seattle?

Ah, no rush.

I mean, my best friend
moved to Italy with her dad.

And my Mom's kind of a nut-job.

So you're just gonna cruise
around America, like a hippie?

Yeah. I'm going wherever
my motorcycle takes me.

I thought the person
controls the motorcycle.

Man! How much Bieber did you sniff?

- Oh.
- Nona! No, no, no, no.

- No.
- No, don't fold us up, please.

No. No, please. Wake
up. Wake up, please.

- How does this happen?
- Nona!

- Hi.
- Hey, how was school?

Learn-y.

Whatcha doing?

I read online that if you mix coffee,
orange juice, and a raw egg, it blows up.

Cool, I love explosions!

Then get ready for...

Oh!

Ugh! You got any dynamite?

No, sorry.

Nona, I'm home! I brought
your special cream.

Uh, your Nona's not here.

Oh. Did she go to the gun range?

No.

I took her to Elderly Acres.

- To visit somebody?
- No.

She um, lives there now.

You put my Nona in a
home for elderlies?!

Uh, it's sort of...

Aren't you glad your
Nona's not here to see that?

- How could you take her to that place?
- She asked me to!

Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna faint!

Or puke! I'm gonna fuke!

Come on, elderlies love
living with other elderlies.

They have dinner
together at four o'clock,

and eat soft foods,
and talk about pills.

- Whoa, where we going?!
- To Elderly Acres!

- Oh!
- Ah!

You gotta open that first.

Sometimes I forget!

- Hi, Cat...
- Hey, Cat...

Hi, Max. Hi, Chloe. Cute
boots. I can't talk right now!

- That's cool, just let us in.
- Your Nona's babysitting us.

No, my Nona's not here, because somebody
did something very terrible to her.

Somebody.

Hey, will you take Darby? He's heavy.

No, you guys, I don't
have time to! I gotta go.

Whoa, I don't want this beast.

Oh, yeah, pretty flowers.

Go tell your Mom to
find another babysitter.

Our Mom left for work.

Well, then just, um,
just come with us. Okay?

- What's going on?
- Where are we going?

- You left the baby in the bush!
- I'm getting the baby.

Hurry, let's go!

Nona?!

Nona! Nona!

Where's my Nona?!

Nona!

We wanna do something fun!

- Yeah.
- All right.

Um, here, hop on this thing.

- Cool.
- Awesome.

And keep an eye on that thing.

Wait!

Nona!

Oh, dang it.

- Oh!
- Ah!

Are you okay?

Okay, I'm sorry everyone,

but the tattoo man had to leave,
and he won't be back today.

- Oh.
- Ah.

I'm sorry.

You guys were gonna get tattoos today?

We were.

Now, we're just disappointed.

Roll up your sleeve.

- Come on, I'm taking you home.
- No! I love this place!

Look at that guy!

He's single and he's hot!

- You really like it here?
- Yes!

Tonight we're all gonna get in the
swimming pool and watch a funny movie!

- That's perfect for you!
- I know!

Because sometimes when you laugh you pee
a little, and you'll already be in a pool!

Shh!

Welcome to Inside-Out Burger.
What would you like today?

We want two double-double
mega meals, and...

You got any baby food?

No.

Then what do we get Darby?

He can suck on the fries.

Even though you'll be living here,

you promise you'll come
over and visit me a lot?

All the time.

Wait! Who's gonna make me soup?!

- You can learn.
- I can?!

Sure. You just open the can, pour it in
the bowl, and put it in the microwave.

Wait, slow down!

Hey, will you tell this
dude to quit complaining?

I told you I wanted a
tattoo of Abraham Lincoln!

Well, too bad, you got a chicken leg!

Ah!

That'll be six-fifty.

Oh. We don't have any money.

- What?!
- Go!

Hang on!

Code four! Someone get the manager!

Hey! You kids! Come back here!

Stop that scooter!

Hey! Oh!

I mean...

It might be kinda fun having
a whole apartment to myself.

Sure. I've lived alone for years.

I thought you lived with your Mom.

Well, that's like living alone.

Hey! Hey, Sam! I'm ready for your hair!

Oh, yeah. Why don't we head inside...

- Oh.
- The kids!

- What kids?
- The ones we were babysitting!

We left them at Elderly Acres!

Oh, I saw those kids ten minutes ago.

- Where?
- Inside-Out Burger.

Oh, man. I love their fries, that's...

Come on!

Pull over.

Hey! Come on!

I'm serious!

Max! Chloe!

What goes on?

Those kids... they owe...

Six dah... dollars and... I'm down.

Oh.

Okay kids, we caught a lucky
break, let's head on home.

- Yay!
- No!

We have to stay and fix this sweaty man!

We have to give him
see-three-pee-oh!

- CPR?
- Okay, we'll try that first!

You pump his legs, and
I'll bounce on his chest!

Whoa why don't you pump his legs
and I'll bounce on his chest?

- We'll trade off!
- Yeah, let's do it!

Okay.

- Ready?
- Go, go, go. Go.

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

- Switch!
- Let's switch.

Quick hurry up!

Ah!

Ah!

Are they doing it right?!

He's up! He's up! He's up!

Pick him up! Pick him up!

You girls saved my life.

Please, don't worry about thanking us.

Uh! Maybe this nice man wants
to thank us with free food.

Yes!

As manager of this Inside-Out
Burger, I declare that...

- Sam Puckett.
- Sam Puckett! And...

- Cat Valentine.
- Cat Valentine!

Shall be given free cheeseburgers
for as long as they both shall live!

What?! Thank you.

There. Three bags of hair.

I hope you sell 'em for big bucks.

Oh I will. You're a legit celebrity.

I could sell anything you got.

Can I have that?

Oh, I'll get the door.

Come along, baby.

Yeah.

- Oh. Hi Melinda.
- Hey Cat.

Mom!

Did you guys have a fun day with Nona?

- Nope.
- Sam and Cat took care of us.

They're the best babysitters ever!

We drove an elderly
scooter on the street!

And they saved a sweaty guy from dying!

It's a... new video game.

Called "Rescue the Chubby".

Which is a nice word for "fat".

Ah. Well, lemme just pay
you guys for the babysitting.

Uh, there!

- How much is this?
- A hundred and fifty bucks.

What?

You guys wanna babysit
for them again some time?

- Would ya?!
- Yeah!

Uh, I don't live here.

Cat?

Sure, I'll babysit.
Just text me whenever.

Awesome. Come on kids.

- Bye, you guys.
- Bye.

- Thanks again.
- Have fun.

- Save your snot!
- You're a weird kid.

Now, let's see, you have
red hair, and I'm blonde...

So I get one hundred and thirty...

And you get no hundred and twenty.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, you keep it all.

Well, guess I should
hop on the old bike...

See where it takes me.

Okay, but...

It just seems like...

We had a lot of fun together
over the past couple days.

And, we sorta have this
whole, fun odd couple dynamic.

Built-in conflict.

Lots of potential for more adventures.

Ah, forget it.

No no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I mean...

I kinda don't have anywhere
I really need to be...

And... you kinda seem
like you need a roommate.

Are you saying what I
think you're saying?!

Yeah!

You're gonna stay here in L.A. with me
for a while and help me find a roommate?!

I already found you a roommate.

Shut up! Who is she?!

Me!

Oh my gosh, this is the best day ever!

It's so much better than
yesterday when we were in garbage!

Isn't it?

So what's for dinner?!

I'm thinking free cheeseburgers.

To Inside-Out Burger!

- Whoa!
- Yeah!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Whoa!
- Woo!

Ah!

Don't tickle me.

Take your fingers out of my ears.

This is gonna be a long ride.

Please, no. Please, Nona, no.

Wake up! Please Nona! No!

Nona, we're here.

We're in here, Nona.

Wake up. No. Nona.

Ah. No, Nona.