Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 35 - #WeStealARockStar - full transcript

When Sam and Cat accidentally knock out musician Del DeVille, things quickly escalate as they try to avoid getting in trouble.

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Okay, doctor Duckley, I know
you want to come with me.

Quack, quack, quack.

But I only have room for
two more of you guys.

Why?

Why what?

Why are you packing?

Why are you talking to
your stuffed animals?

And why do I keep getting the same
pimple in the middle of my back?

I'm going to Arizona with Dice.

I'm talking to my stuffed
animals to get their opinion

on who should go with me.



And you keep getting the same pimple
on your back because you're dirty.

I appreciate your honesty.

Hey, we're friends.

So, what's in Arizona?

Dice booked a hair
modeling job in fo-eenix.

Oh, good for Dice.

Yeah.

It's for teen hair magazine.

They said he's going to be on the cover.

Cool.

Though personally I don't care.

So why are you taking Dice?

Oh, because his mom and his
aunt Ferjeen got sick.

That's right.



I heard they got coyote fever.

Yeah.

Poor ladies.

Well, you're not supposed to eat coyotes.

Ooh, I got to finish packing.

Dice and I are on a nine
o'clock bus to fo-eenix.

You know, it's pronounced "Phoenix."

No, it's "fo-eenix."

See?

It's spelled with an "o."

Yeah, but you don't pronounce the "o."

Well, I do.

I respect the alphabet.

I got to finish deciding which
animals I'm going to take.

Well, here, look.

We'll just put your little duck
next to your purple giraffe.

Hey, hey, hey.

Do I tell you how to stuff
your face with chicken?

Hello?

Nona?

Cat?

Hello?

Now I want chicken.

Oh, hey, Nona.

Oh, there you are.

I hate to barge in like this, but I
need to stay here for a couple of days

if that's all right.

Sure.

No.

Sam.

Why do you have to stay here?

Well, because Elderly Acres
is infested with funk mites.

And the exterminators are spraying
all weekend, so I can't stay there.

What are funk mites?

They're these disgusting little bugs.

My mom used to get them between her toes.

Ew.

Ew.

And elsewhere.

Ew!

Ew!

Anyway, is it all right
if I crash on your couch?

No, it's not all right.

Because you're going to
stay in my room with Sam.

What?

But there are only two beds in your room.

I know.

I'm going to be in fo-eenix
for the next two days.

Bye, Nona.

You're going out of town?

Yeah.

So while I'm gone, you and
Sam can be roommates.

Oh, wonderful.

We're going to be roomies
let's bump butts.

Oh God, I'm not bumping butts with you.

You want to stay here, great.

But I'm going with cat to Phoenix.

No, Sam, you can't come
to fo-eenix with me.

It's in Arizona.

Oh yeah.

Why can't you go to Arizona?

Let's just say there might be a
warrant there for my arrest.

And in Ohio.

And in some other states
I can never remember.

Well, you just need to learn
the song I made up for you.

Oh my.

Wow.

My first professional photo
shoot for teen boys' hair.

Well, I've been in the modelling
game since I was four,

but this is the first time I've
ever been shot for the cover

of a national magazine.

Mm.

I love the smell of stylish boys.

Hey, hey Dice.

Slater.

How goes it, bud?

Cat, this is Slater, hair model.

You have beautiful hair.

Thanks.

So, Dice, I heard you're
going to be on the cover.

I guess.

But, hey, I just show up, rock some awesome
hair, and whatever happens happens.

Yeah.

Wow, Dice, you're acting pretty
cool for a guy who is scared

to poop on the bus.

Well, what happens to it?

I don't know.

I mean, does it just fall
out onto the highway?

Later.

Dice.

Dice.

Oh, hey.

Hi.

Yonce, this is my friend, Cat...

Yeah, I don't care who she is.

Bree?

Bree.

Come to me.

Yes, sir.

I want you to take my camera, put on
the zoom lens, make it smell nice,

and bring me my flip flops.

Right away.

Yeah, right away.

Hey, I got to tell you, I am so psyched
to have you shoot me for this cover.

Yeah, about that.

There's been a change.

A change?

What is it?

A change is when things are one way,
and then they become another way.

A change can be good or bad.

In this case I think it's bad.

Perhaps.

Keith!

Horn!

Everyone, eyes on me.

Look to Yonce.

Look to Yonce.

As you know, I'm going to photograph
all you boys this weekend.

And then the editors of teen hair
magazine and I will decide which boy

will be on the cover.

What the... My agent
told me I had the cover.

Don't worry about it.

But... They're going to
look back at all the pics

and they're going to pick you because
you've got the best hair in the land.

Thanks.

Man, I really hope you're right
because I'm really counting on...

How come, how come everyone's...

Oh no, no, no.

Shh!

Look at that boy with
the incredible hair.

I see him.

That's Jett Zander.

He's the number one teen
hair model in the world.

No kidding.

His hair makes yours
look like a bad salad.

Oh my God, it's Jett.

Hi, Jett.

Hey.

Come to Yonce.

No, no, no, I'll come to you.

Look at that.

There's no way I'm going to
beat Jett Zander for the cover.

Well... They could choose you.

You both have amazing hair.

You think?

Maybe.

I'm going to go take a
pic of Jett's head.

No, don't go.

Nah, I don't have any money
to go out for lunch.

But I found half a bag of
chips on the ground, so...

I'll call you later.

Hello, temporary roomie.

Who's hungry?

What...

What did you do?

I made us lunch.

We've got ribs and fried chicken, and
macaroni with four kinds of cheeses,

which I call "Mac and cheese and
cheese and cheese and cheese."

And we've got cornbread, potato doodles.

Ooh, and for dessert we have
make-your-own ice cream sundaes

with my very special strawberry gravy.

Just...

Just give me a minute.

Aren't you hungry?

Mm-hmm.

I'm just afraid I'm dreaming

and...

And...

I don't want to wake up.

All right, boys.

This is your big chance.

You want to be on the cover of this
magazine, then show me something.

Bree?

Yes, Yonce.

Turn on the hi-fi.

Come on.

Yes, give me more.

Work it, work the hair, come on.

Oh, great.

Give me garbage.

I love garbage.

Yeah. Yeah.

Go, Jett, go.

Yes.

Very nice, Dice.

No, no, no, you look like a fish.

Don't be a fish.

Keith.

There we go.

Show me the power.

Show me the power of your hair.

Yes.

You're a natural.

Be a magical reindeer.

Yeah, good.

Come on now, Dice.

Give me more.

More. More.

Yes, that's beautiful.

I love it.

Yeah!

Okay, everybody, that's a wrap for today.

See you all back here
tomorrow morning at 9:00 A.M.

Wow, Dice.

Great job.

Doesn't matter.

I'm not going to win.

I mean, look at Yonce.

He's all over Jett Zander.

Well, I don't get it.

Why is everybody making such a
fuss over a boy wearing a wig?

Wig?

What do you mean, wig?

Jett's wearing a wig.

You think...

You think Jett's wigging?

He's totally wigging.

You're sure that's a wig?

Yes.

I have excellent wigdar.

But wearing a wig, that goes against
everything hair modeling stands for.

It's terrible.

Wow.

Wow, Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat.

If we can prove that Jett's wearing
a wig, he'll be disqualified

and I'll get the cover of the magazine.

Okay, two things.

What?

You're taking this a
little too seriously.

Okay.

And your face is really close to my face.

I'll move back.

Sam.

Oh, Sam?

Oh, there you are.

Cat sent me a text that says,
"remind Sam that she's babysitting

the Franklin twins tomorrow
morning at 8:00 A.M."

Oh, dang it.

What's the matter?

I hate waking up early on a Sunday.

I hate waking up at all on Sunday.

I just hate waking up.

Oh, you.

And I hate one of the Franklin twins,
but I can never remember which one.

Well, you don't have to
wake up at 8:00 A.M.

But Cat said

I got to do the...

No, no, no,

I wake up at 6:00 A.M.

So, you sleep in and I'll watch
the Franklin twins for you.

You'll babysit?

Sure.

Sleep in as long as you like.

Really?

It's fine.

Well, will you...

Will I what?

Will you do my laundry, too?

No, Sam, I will not do your laundry.

Oh.

Because I've already done it.

You did.

You did do my laundry.

And you got the stink out.

That's what Nonas do.

Nona?

Yes, dear?

Promise me you won't die tonight.

Look at Jett's mother fluffing his wig.

You're 100 percent sure it's a wig?

I know wigs.

All right, now, you ready?

Yeah, but how do we get Jett in position?

Just watch me work.

Oh, my contact lens.

Ah, somebody help me
find my contact lens?

You need some help?

No, get lost, creep.

Won't somebody help me
find my contact lens?

You lost your contact lens?

Oh, hi.

Yeah, I think I dropped
it somewhere down here.

Yeah.

Keep looking.

Right down there.

All right, you ready to watch
a teen boy's wig fly off?

Ready.

Join the cords.

Jett, be careful!

What in the world?

Turn off that fan.

Keith.

Turn the fan off.

Unjoin the cords.

Is everyone all right?

Did anybody...

Jett.

Your hair.

What, is it ruined?

No, no, no. Don't touch it.

It's marvelous.

That powerful fan has blown
your hair into the perfect 'do.

Bree, bring me my best camera.

I must shoot him now.

Did you find your contact lens?

Beat it!

Doo-doodly-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo,
doodly-doo, doodly-doo.

Hey.

How are the Franklin twins?

Oh, wonderful.

I just put them down for a nap.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I made them my special mixture,
warm milk and Turkey juice.

Always puts the little
brats to sleep for hours.

Puckett.

Open this door!

Puckett!

Oh, crabs.

Who's that?

The building manager.

I know you're in there.

What's his beef?

He's going to say I haven't paid my half
of the rent for the past two months.

Have you?

No.

Puckett!

I mean, what do I do?

Go in the closet.

Hurry, go.

Okay.

Go, go, go.

I'm going.

Oh, hello, Bombay.

Nona.

I thought you moved to that
there Elderly Acres place.

I did.

I'm just here for the weekend.

I see.

You looking for something?

Yeah. Puckett.

On the first day of every month,
your granddaughter pays me

her half of the rent.

But for the past two months, you
know what I got from Puckett?

What?

This.

Fake money from a
once-popular board game.

I'm sure that that fake money
was just meant as a joke.

Joke my rump.

Now, I want to know where Sam Puckett
is and I want to know now, see?

Oh, well, I...

She's not here.

She left the country.

You tell Puckett I want the rent.

And I don't need any colorful
characters around here to give

the joint atmosphere.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

I'm a throwback.

Okay, you are the best roommate ever.

Aw.

But don't tell cat that.

Oh, go ahead and tell her.

I love you.

Okay, everyone, in a few minutes
Yonce will return to announce

next month's cover boy
of teen hair magazine.

Yep.

Cheer up, Dice.

You could win.

Ah, shut up.

If I had any chance of winning, you
ruined it when you used that giant fan

to make Jett's hair look even better.

You mean his wig.

Attention!

Look to Yonce.

Look to Yonce.

Now, the boy who will be on the cover
of next month's teen hair magazine...

Duh. Jett Zander!

Aw, man.

I'm sorry, but let's face it, there's
just no beating Jett Zander with that

luscious flowing hair.

That tears it!

Hey! Jett Zander!

Why don't you just admit to everybody
that you're wearing a wig?

I would never wear a wig.

I'm all natural. Look.

Who are you, anyway?

Well, I'm just the girl who's going
to tear the wig off Jett Zander.

Cat, no!

You!

She's hurting my hair!

Leave his hair alone!

Someone call security!

Yeah.

Well, it's not a wig.

Hey, Nona, what goes...

Hey.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm getting ready to
go back to Elderly Acres.

What?

No.

What?

No. You can't leave.

Well, come on, what's for dinner?

I mean, let's go, right?

Mac and cheese and cheese
and cheese and cheese, huh?

I got a phone call.

I can go back now.

The funk mites are gone.

Well, that's great but...

and Cat's

coming home tonight,

and she's going to need her bed back.

But... But I don't want you to leave.

Oh, honey, you'll be all right.

No I won't.

Sam.

I think that's your phone ringing.

Who is it?

Sam?

What do you want?

I got good news and bad news.

What?

Well, I got the cover of the magazine.

Wow, yeah, great.

What's the bad news?

One of the other boys is being
taken to a scalp hospital.

That's it?

No.

Cat's being arrested.

I mean, it really looks like a wig.

Wait.

Cat was really arrested?

Yes.

You got to get Nona to come
to Arizona and bail her out

or else Cat's going to be
in jail for two weeks.

Okay, I'll tell Nona.

Bye.

Bye.

Who was that?

Oh, that was Dice and Cat.

Oh.

Are they coming back here?

No.

What's going on?

They decided to stay in
Phoenix for two more weeks,

so Cat says you should stay here and
take care of me until she gets back.

Really?

I promise.

Well, I guess I better
start dinner, then.

Yep.

Yes, you should.

Aw, what's in this can?

Cat!

Mmm...