Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 34 - #KnockOut - full transcript

While helping Goomer with a bully at his gym, Sam knocks out an MMA champion.

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All right girls.

So head downstairs and get
ready for your chi-overs.

How we doing?

How we doing?

How we do-oo-oo-ing?

Hey you guys.

Cat.

Cat.

We're watching "slightly less gorgeous."

What's that?

Uh, the best reality
show of our generation.



They take gorgeous
people and make them see

what life would be like if they
were slightly less gorgeous.

Here, watch.

Making Valerie slightly less
gorgeous wasn't going to be easy.

It took our professional makeup team over
three hours to achieve degorgification.

Oh. Poor girl.

Oh, dear.

That was rough.

Yes.

Now, let's Valerie go on a job interview.

Okay.

This says your name is Valerie McDona...

Oh.

I'm sorry, we can't hire you
to work in this prison.



Oh.

Why not?

I'm totally qualified.

I know.

But on your application you
said you were gorgeous.

And I'm sorry but you're
really just very pretty.

That...

That whole experience, it showed
me how cruel the world can be.

Shame on you, Lancaster State Prison.

Okay, that is a really good show.

But come on, let's do something fun.

All right.

Uh, want to play freeze tag?

Oh, my God, yes.

All right, I'll play.

I'm it. Go.

Oh, my God.

Sam is it.

Oh, God.

Boom! You're frozen.

What's happening now?

Since you're frozen, I'm putting
a sheet over your head.

Hey, this isn't a part...

You're frozen.

Oh, jeez.

Come in.

It's open.

Hi everybody.

Shhh.

Shhh.

Hi Goomer.

Hi...

Cat?

Dang it. Show's over.

Hi.

Is anybody curious about why
I'm dressed up all spiffy?

No.

Nah.

I can't see.

Yeah.

Well, don't ask me why
I'm dressed like this,

because I can't tell you on
account of it's a secret.

Seriously.

I can't tell you about my new job.

You got a job?

Who told you I got a new
job being a body guard?

You're a body guard?

Ah.

Who's been giving you this information?

Are you working for a celebrity?

Okay.

Let me be clear.

I never said I got a job working
as a body guard for Del Deville

while he's here in L.A.

Working on his new album.

You're working for Del Deville?

I love Del Deville.

Can we meet him?

Uh, no.

I'm not allowed to do that.

You want me to lose my secret job?

I heard Del Deville always has
lunch at inside out burger.

False.

Most days we just grab lunch at the food
truck on the corner of Shields and Yarnell.

Really?

We got to go there tomorrow.

No!

You can't go to ah, I don't
even know what you're talk...

Who told you that I work for...

Ahhh.

Want to go with me to the window store?

Sure.

I know I'm frozen, but if a part of me
itches, am I allowed to scratch it?

Please?

What time is it?

Uh, 2:30.

Dang it, how late does
Del Deville eat lunch?

Did you really need to buy that balloon?

Yes.

I love large balloons.

Hey, will you guys watch my
ride while I go get a taco?

Sure.

I guess.

I guess so.

Now what time is it?

Uh, 2:30...

Del Deville!

Oh my God, there he is!

I can't believe it.

He's right in front of us.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Deville, when we get
there, I'll buy the burrito

so you won't have to talk
to any normal people.

Great.

You're great.

Thanks.

Oh man.

Hey, Goomer, I think I left
my sunglasses in the car.

I'll fetch 'em.

I went the wrong way.

Uh, excuse us, Mr. Deville.

Hey. How you guys doing?

Great.

Awesome.

I'm a girl.

Nice.

So, uh, would it be cool
if we got a pic with you?

Yeah, sure thing.

Awesome.

Oh, yay.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

You're so nice.

Oh wait, hold on.

I don't want my balloon
to be in the picture.

It's bad luck.

Hold on.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, she's...

No.

One second, Mr. Deville.

No problem.

All right.

Okay. Perfect.

Hey.

Okay.

Group selfie on three.

One, two...

Cat!

Oh my gosh! No!

The tricycle!

Oh, my gosh. No.

Come on, forget about the tricycle.

We're taking a pic with Del.

No.

We promised the little
girl we'd watch it.

Can I just go get my burrito?

No.

Hey, you.

Uh, can I borrow your spear gun?

I don't know.

Are you a fellow spear fisherman?

No, no, I am a spear fisherwoman.

Oh.

Enjoy my spear gun.

What are you going to do?

Get the trike back.

Ugh.

Oh.

Well, I'll take this back now.

Good day.

Del!

We murdered Del Deville!

Nah, he's still got a pulse.

We're gonna get in so
much trouble for this.

No we won't.

Um, Cat go get that thing right there.

Kay-kay.

We've got to tell the police about this.

No way, we could get arrested.

Well, we've got to tell Goomer.

No, he'll freak out and then tell on us.

I got it.

Come on.

Bring it over.

Bring it over.

Right here.

Right, turn it on the side.

Great.

Flip it, flip it, flip it.

You got it, Dice?

All right.

Hold it.

One, two.

Three.

And go.

We got it.

We got it.

And go.

You're doing it wrong.

Hurry.

Faster, faster, faster, faster.

No one will ever know.

Come on, let's go.

Right, right.

Open the door.

Come on hurry.

Hurry.

Come on.

Go. Go. Go.

One. Two. Three.

Uh.

Careful, careful.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is bad.

This is so bad.

We're going to get in trouble.

I know we're going to get in trouble.

You guys...

Help me get Del's shoes off.

Why?

So if I get arrested and go to
jail, at least when I get out,

I'll have Del Deville's shoes.

Oh.

Stop it. Stop it.

Oh, my gosh.

He's waking up.

Um, maybe we should all hide.

Yeah, and then on the count of three,
we'll all jump out and yell yatzee!

Why?

I think it's Hebrew for soup.

My head.

Yatzee!

Yatzee!

Yatzee!

What happened?

You, uh, you had a little accident.

And we found you on the street.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

I remember.

You guys were taking a
group selfie with me.

And then, a tricycle floated up, and you
borrowed a spear gun to shoot it down.

Oh, my God, he's hallucinating.

You guys knocked me out.

And then you brought me here.

It was an accident.

Oh yeah?

Yes.

We'll see what the cops
have to say about that.

Oh.

He's going to call the cops.

We're dead.

I'll talk to him.

Here I come!

Don't fight it.

This is a cool cell phone.

You don't tell Goomer about this.

Wait, where is Goomer?

Del? Del? Del? Del? Del?

I got your burritos.

Del?

I think this is getting out of control.

No this is completely under control.

We just got to make Del understand
that we didn't mean to hurt him.

Or to kidnap him.

Or to knock him out a second time.

Okay, who took Del's shoes?

Cat?

You know I've always wanted
a pair of celebrity shoes.

You people are insane.

You can't keep me here forever.

Oh, who wants to?

You think I had fun sleeping
on the couch last night?

Then let me go.

We can't, because then you'll go to
the cops, and we'll get in trouble.

I promise, I won't tell the cops.

Oh, a promise from someone
in the music business.

Yeah, that means a lot.

Hey, Del, how you doing?

How am I doing?

You people whack me on the head
with a popular children's vehicle,

and now you've chained me
up and won't let me leave.

Well, at least I got you a vanilla latte.

I said I wanted a chi latte.

Man, things are not going your way.

Which one of you took my phone?

Oh, I did.

I'll give it back to you, as soon as
we're done, you know, kidnapping you.

What are you doing?

Unlocking one of your wrists
so you can drink your coffee.

You know something?

You're an idiot.

Oh, am I?

Yeah, because I've got a
personal guard working for me.

His name's Goomer.

And he's going to find me.

I don't know.

Oh, he will.

And when he gets me out of here,
I am going to call the cops.

And then you and your friend Cat, and
that boy with the really great hair

are all going to get arrested.

I... I can't reach my coffee.

Who's the idiot now?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

I... I need my latte.

Ah.

Look.

I made breakfast for Del Deville.

I see that.

This is a bowl of cereal.

This is bacon and eggs.

This is oatmeal.

This is an omelet.

These are some pancakes.

And this is huevios rancherios.

Why'd you make Del Deville
six different breakfasts?

Because I don't know what he likes.

So why didn't you just ask him
what he likes, and then make that?

Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.

Uh-oh, we've got trouble.

What?

Look at this.

Family, friends, and fans of
three-time grammy winner Del Deville

are extremely worried,
because the superstar singer

has been missing since
yesterday afternoon.

Deville was supposed to meet with
producers last night to finish work

on his new album, but failed to show up.

According to Deville's publicist,
Del was last seen yesterday

at Poco Bernstein's burrito
truck in West Hollywood,

but he hasn't been seen since.

Oh, well.

For news, news, news,
news, I'm Tammy Yanks.

We're going to be in so much trouble.

No, they just know that Del's missing.

They don't know it's because of us.

But we've got to return him eventually.

He's going to tell on us.

Hey. Calm your curls.

Well, hello.

Nothing's wrong.

Nothing.

I did not lose Del Deville.

Okay.

Oh, dear God, help me find him!

Yesterday I went to get his
sunglasses and then I bought

these two burritos for him,
but he just disappeared.

What am I going to do?

Goomer, don't worry.

Why shouldn't I?

Because you... you... just...

I'm going to take this
oatmeal to my room now.

Bye.

What am I going to do?

Look.

I feel sure that wherever
Del is, he has his phone.

And I bet that Del is going to send you a
text message from his phone, real soon,

just to tell you that he's okay.

Right, Dice?

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Right.

I'm going to go sit over there.

Now Del, I'll give your oatmeal
tray if you promise to behave.

I promise.

All right.

Here you go.

Make... take this handcuff off of me.

I have to finish my album!

You people are crazy.

Let me go!

Take it from my wrist.

Let me go.

Let me go.

Let me go.

I also have huevios rancherios.

I can't believe I lost him.

The first time I guard the body
of a superstar and I lose him.

You know what that makes me?

A loser?

Ohh.

Text message?

Yeah.

From Del Deville.

He says, hi Goomer.

Everything is cool.

So please don't think
I've been kidnapped.

I haven't.

And if I ever was kidnapped, I'm sure that
nobody you know would be responsible.

Call you latter.

It's later.

Later.

See?

He's alive.

Great balls of chocolate, he's alive.

Fire.

What?

The expression is great balls of fire.

It comes from an old song.

Why would the balls be on fire?

Why would they be made of chocolate?

Good point.

Why do I have to wear this mask?

Because this morning you
tried to murder me.

Arg.

What are you doing with that guitar?

Oh, well, my friend Andre,
who goes to school with me

at Hollywood arts, this is his guitar.

But he broke it, so,
I'm fixing it for him.

You know how to fix guitars?

Yeah.

I've always been a great
guitar repairwoman.

It's a skill I've never
really talked about much.

Until now.

Oh.

There. All fixed.

I'll just test it out, see how it sounds.

Sounds pretty good.

Oh my God.

What was that?

I don't know.

Just something I came up
with off the top of my head.

Will you please come over here and
take this mask off of my face?

Uh, all right.

Oh, thanks.

Now listen.

You have to let me use that guitar
riff in a song on my next album.

Well, uh, what if we make a deal?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

What?

Well, what's the deal?

Oh, sorry, I forgot we were talking.

Um, okay, I'll let you use the music
I just played on the guitar, if...

Yeah?

You swear if we let you go you
promise you'll never tell anybody

me, Sam and Dice are the ones who
bonked your head and held you captive.

Done. Deal.

Yay.

Okay, what do you want
me to take off first?

Your handcuffs, or your big toe cuffs?

Big toe cuffs.

All right.

Hey Sam! Sam!

Yeah?

Quit reading that book
and come check this out.

All right.

What is it?

Look what's on news, news, news, news.

Three time grammy winner
Del Deville looks like

he might be on his way to
winning a fourth grammy.

The title song to his new album,
"chillin' like de villain,"

just reached triple platinum,
thanks mostly to an incredible

8-second guitar riff in the title song.

Did you hear that?

She was just talking
about your guitar riff.

I know, I'm so proud.

How'd you think of it?

I don't know.

It just came to my brain.

Hey, Sam! Sam!

Yeah?

Quit reading that sequel
and come check this out.

All right.

What is it?

Take a look at news, news, news, news.

A lawsuit for $26 million
has been filed against

three-time grammy winner Del Deville.

Huh?

The suit claims that the title
song on his most recent album,

"chillin' like de villain,"
contains an 8-second guitar riff

that was stolen from a previous
hit song, popular in the 1970s.

Oh, dear.

Deville will have to pay
$26 million in damages

to the band monkey doo, who
wrote the original riff

for their 1979 hit,
"monkey doo, monkey you."

I thought I made it up.

You know, Del probably would have been
better off if we'd never met him.

For sure.

Yeah.

But, at least I got his shoes.

This is not so fun.

Yes, it is.

It's Jerry Trainor again.

Ignore it.

Mmm...