Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 33 - #FirstClassProblems - full transcript

Sam and Cat are hired to accompany two obnoxious children on a flight to the Bahamas.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Hey, Sam, look.

I'm almost done with my banana man.


I'm busy trying to fix my chainsaw.

Hey, hand me an eight
millimeter socket wrench.

I don't know what that is.

An eight millimeter socket wrench.

What's the matter with you?

I'm five.


Goomer just fell down on the patio.

Come on.

Here, hold my chainsaw.

Goomer, what's wrong?

Goomer, come on, get up.

Are you sick?

I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, bye.

Come on, Goomer, come see
the banana man I made.

I don't want to see the banana man.

Dude, what's your problem?

I said I don't want to speak of it.

Then, what are you doing here?

I'm just following my feet.

Hey, have either of you guys

seen Goo...


We were supposed to train today.

Why didn't you go to the gym?

I can't go to that gym ever again.

Help me.

Goomer, tell us why you
can't go to the gym.

Because one of the other
fighters keeps picking on me.

Picking on you?


Calling me names and poking at me
and laughing at the things I say

and it makes me feel less than.

All right, Goomer, who's
been picking on you?

Sam, easy.


Yeah, Goomer might be an idiot, but
he's our friend and nobody picks

on Sam Puckett's idiot friends.

Sam is right.

You know, I may just march right on down
to punchy's myself and find the jerk

who's been picking on Goomer,

and I may just...


What? What's so funny?

You going "boom" to someone?

That's right.

I don't understand why
everybody's laughing.

Dude, you couldn't beat
up a five year old.

I sure could.

Liddy, get over here.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

What? You afraid I'm
going to take her down?

Just come with me. Come on.

What are we doing?

Let's pretend that I'm the butt
bag who keeps beating up Gooms.


Show me what you're going to do.

Yeah, show her.

Beat that butt bag.


Listen here, jerkles.

You bully my friend Goomer
one more time and that's it.


All right.

You think you're tough stuff, huh?

Well, you try that again

and I swear...


This is sad.

All right, where's that butt bag?

Let's do this.

I can't right now.

I forgot my pants in the car.


No, no, no. Get back here.

Come here. Let's go.

Show us the jerk that's
been picking on you.


Right over there.



But that's a girl.


The meanest girl in the world.

She's cruel.

Wait, you're saying the person that's
been picking on you is a girl?

Shut up.


Whoa, whoa, whoa.


That's Rita Rooney.

Oh my God, that is Rita Rooney.

Hootie hoonie?

She's the champ.


MMA fighting.

She's, like, the number one Bantam
weight fighter in the world.

And she's mean.

She picks on me every day I come in here.

Hey, Goomer.

Hey, boy.

I didn't know you were here.

Where you been?

None of your business.

Aw, I love how shy you are.

I'm not shy.

I'm just introverted.

You're shy.

And you're ticklish, too.

I am not.

Aw, who's ticklish?

Who's my tickle bear?

Not me.

Who's my little tickle bear?

I'm not a tickle bear.

Yes you are my tickle bear.

You're going to make me pee.

I'm going to tinkle.

Help me, Sam.

We need to talk to the
tickle bear for a sec.

Did you see?

Did you hear the things she said to me?


She wasn't picking on you.


She likes you.

Like, likes you likes you.

I don't get it don't get it.

She likes you.

You know, the way girls like boys.


Is something wrong?

Or funny?

There he is.


Why are you so upset?

Because you people said that
Rita Rooney likes me the way

a girl duck likes a boy duck.

What's wrong with a girl
duck liking a boy duck?

Oh, I guess somebody hasn't
been watching the duck channel.

I watched the duck channel once.


There were a lot of things
I didn't understand.

You know, it takes a lot to disgust
me, but that is not how a person

should eat spaghetti.

I'm sorry.

I'm nervous.

And upset.

And happy.


Because Rita's so pretty.

She's got hair and arms.

Then there's no problem.

You like Rita and she likes you.

But I can't talk to a girl I like.

I might say something stupid.

Okay, Goomer.

Here's what I want you to do.

Pretend that Cat is Rita.

Oh yeah. Okay.

Pretend I'm Rita, and just, you know,
act natural and what if I go like...

Let's go find him.

You find him.

I'm going home.


I don't know.

You gonna watch the duck channel?



Abandoned spaghetti.

My life's going great.

Work it, Rita.

Work it, Rita. Work it.

No mercy. No mercy.

So, champ, how you think you're
going to do against Megan Grimley?

We'll just see, won't we?

Rita's going to knock out Megan
Grimley in the first round.

Can I quote you on that?

Can we please leave now?

No, we can't.

No. Now, come on, just go
do it like we practiced.

Go flirt with Rita.

You can do this.


Hey, hey.

What goes on, big G?

She's talking to you.

Go over there.

Hey, hey there, Rita.

I like your hair and arms.

You like my hair and arms?


You can take this flower to
your house and keep it there.

You brought me a flower?

Come on, Rita, back to your workout.

I'm coming.

Hey, Goomer, want to know a secret?



Back to your workout.

So, what's the secret?

Hey, champ, I thought we
were going to see you

do some practice fighting today.

Yeah, how about some sparring?

Sorry, guys.

Rita's sparring partner's
still in the hospital.

I'm not surprised after how Rita
kicked her in the face last week.

I didn't mean to kick her that hard.

So, any of you guys want to
go a few rounds with Rita?

Maybe this guy.

Hey, not me.

I will.

You will what?

I'll spar with Rita.

Sam, what are you doing?

She put her real sparring
partner in the hospital.

Let's see them fight.

Couple rounds.

Hey, Rita.

You want to spar with this girl?

What's your name?


Whatever, sure.

All right, get her some gear.

What was the secret?

To attract the male duck, the female
quacks and flutters her feathers.

This motion is the female duck's
way of saying, "hey, get over here

and kiss me."

Oh my God.

All right. All right.

This is just going to be
a little practice fight.

You sure you want to do this?

You sure?

All right, let's mix it up.

Give it to her.

Careful, Sam.

Come on, Sam.

Come on, Sam.


Rita's down.

She's never been knocked down.

All right, that's it.

Show's over, back off.

Okay, everyone.

My name is Dice Corleone.

I'm Sam Puckett's manager.

If any reporters have any questions
or would like an interview

with my client, please surround us now.

According to Italian magazine, the
two most popular noodles in America

are macaroni and linguini.


And the least popular noodle for the
ninth year in a row, pyoopatelli.


Next on "news news news news,"

the punch heard around the world.

MMA champ, Rita Rooney, was knocked down
by a single punch for the first time

in her career.

According to reports, Rooney was
sparring with an amateur fighter.

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.

I'm busy.


Come see the "news news news news."

Sam, hurry, Sam, hurry,
Sam, hurry, Sam, hurry.


They're talking about Rita
Rooney on the laptop news.


Threw a powerful right hook that
sent Rooney tumbling to the floor.

She's talking about you.

I get that.

The name of the girl who threw the
vicious punch is Sam Puckett.

Aw, man, she got your name wrong.

No she didn't.

Oh, you changed it?


Rita Rooney hates my butts.

What happened?

Well, I was supposed to meet
Rita for frozen yogurt,

but look what she texted me.

Yikes. Oh, wow.

Oh, okay, whoa.

Oh. That's a lot.

Why does Rita hate me now?

She's just mad because I knocked her
down, and you and I are friends,

sort of.

It's not your fault, Goomer.

And don't worry, you'll
find someone else to date.

Yeah, there's lots of
girls with hair and arms.

I suppose.

Hey, hey, so, how's my favorite fighter?

I'm okay.

I'm just kind of sad...

not you.

I'm talking to slamming Sammy Puckett.

What do you want?

You. To fight Rita Rooney in three
weeks at the L.A. sports place.

That's the biggest sports place in L.A.


I got a call from Dana Fife,
the guy who runs the CFC.

He wants you to fight Rita Rooney.

Yeah, I don't like doing things.

Hey, win or lose, you get $25,000.

I fight her when?

Three weeks from this Saturday.

So, starting tomorrow, you got to train.


Yeah, you got to work
out, run, lift weights.

All right, tell you what.

I'll make you a deal.

You go get me a Philly cheesesteak
sandwich, extra cheese, extra steak.


And then you shut up.

I'll take that deal.

Sam, you have to train hard if you're
going to fight a professional fighter

like Rhoda Rooder.

Rita Rooney.

I thought you made a deal
with Sam to shut up.

Hey, I don't want you training me.

Oh, I'm not going to train you.

Ding dong.

Ah! She's here.

Who's here?

Sam Puckett, meet Bubs Dixon.


It's short for Bubsley.

You got a problem with that?

Hmm, hair, arms.

Oh yeah.

Get out of here.

Now, little lady, you best get
some rest because tomorrow

is going to be a long day.

Cat, get the door.

I'm in the shower.

Good morning, snack pants.

It's 6 A.M.

This morning we're going to hit the
road and we're going to run 12 Miles.

After that we're going down

to the gym and we're going to...

Bubs Dixon.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. Check this out.

Oh my.

What was that?

My shock stick.

My job is to get you in shape so that
Rita Rooney doesn't punch your face

into a red beefy mess.

Why do you talk so loud?

Get used to it, girly girl.

I'm only at a 6.

This hole goes to 11.

How long have I been on this thing?

Almost two minutes.

Hey, I got an idea.

What if you take Sam downtown...


Come on.

I'm Bubs Dixon.

I know who you are.

Here's your check.

Did you enjoy your desserts?

Oh my gosh, yes.



I loved mine.

And I enjoyed my plate of lettuce.

Sorry, Sam.

Bubs Dixon said that's all you can have.

Hey, you guys want to ride some go-carts?



I do.

Let's go.


Where you going?

I already worked out today.


And now it's time for you
to go home and go to bed.

It's nine o'clock.

I don't go to bed at nine o'clock.

Get off of me.

I'm serious. Get off.


Shh, shh, shh.

Just go to sleep and dream.

Dream of Bubs Dixon.

I hate my life.


Bubs Dixon.

We're only one week away from the highly
anticipated mixed martial arts fight

between champion Rita Rooney
and newcomer Sam Puckett.

Later today, both fighters will face
the media in a joint press conference

to talk about the upcoming battle.

For "news news news news,"

I'm Tammy Yanks.

Say it.

I don't want to say it.

Say it.

Yanks for watching.

Rita, do you think Sam Puckett didn't
show up to this press conference

because she's afraid?

I don't know.


Sam can blow off this press
conference, but come Saturday night,

Rita's going to knock her out

in the very first...

I'm here.

What's she doing here?

So, listen, the fight's off.


Hey, hey, hey.

No one needs to murmur.


You afraid to fight me?

You chicken?


I do love to eat chicken.

And I also like to sleep late,
and lay around, and hang out,

and do stupid stuff with my dumb friends.

Hey, that's us.

So, if you want to give up
everything fun in life, go for it.

But me, tonight I'm going to order
some pizza and chili biscuits.

I'm going to put on my pajamas,
and I'm going to stay up

until three in the morning watching
the stupidest movies I can find.

Whoever wants to come, see you there.

Rita, now that Sam's backed out of
the fight, what are you gonna do?

Well, I...

I wanna hang with Sam.

Can I have another chili biscuit, please?

Chili biscuit.


I'm Bubs Dixon.

Hey, you better get to Dice's.


I'm just going to toss this cup.

Yeah, just don't toss
it in that trash can.

It's not...


Why'd you throw yourself in the trash?


Oh no, flying monkeys.