Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 36 - #GettinWiggy - full transcript

Cat:
Previously on "Sam & Cat"...

That is my friend,
Jade, out there.

She's the second
scariest girl I know.

Who's the scariest?
Sam!

Have Sam and Jade
ever met before?

Hush up!

Jade and Sam
can never meet.

They'd kill each other.

Hey.
Hey.

[Screams]

Okay, so two nights ago
I was playing in a poker game.



This is for
all the tuna.

Then be happy.
You won a lot of money.

I thought he meant money,
but he was betting actual fish.

Tuna fish?

They aren't
normal tuna fish.

They're
Kansas Razorback Tuna.

And they eat everything,
even people.

That fish doesn't
look so vicious...

Whoa!

What am I gonna do?

Do you know how much money
I'm gonna lose

on these dumb fish?

I think I might know
how you can make some money

off of these tuna fish.



Motorcycle jump?
Motorcycle jump.

We put a ramp right here

and then we charge people
a bunch of money

to watch someone
jump the tuna.

Oh, hi.

Hey.
'Sup?

Sam stole Jade from me.

You know, where I come from,

if someone steals
one of your friends,

you steal one of theirs.

Well, hello,
Freddie Benson.

♪♪

Hello. Welcome to Bots.

We need a table.

Oh, I'm sorry,
all tables are full.

Well,
how long's the wait?

The wait time is between
10 and 200 minutes.

[Grunts]

I'll get us a table.

Um, this is our table.

-Aah! Aah!
-Let's get out of here!

-Aah! Aah!
-Hurry!

This table's open.

Ni-i-ce.

And free food.

Yeah.
Leftover boy food.

[Laughs]

I didn't
say anything funny.

[Laughs]

No way.

What? Cat?
No, it's Fr...

just ...
just come with me.

[Laughs]
Oh, Freddie.

[Gasps] Ah!

Well, look who's here.

Sam. There you are. Hi.

What are you do...she...
what is happening here?

I came down to L.A.
'Cause I thought you
got run over by ...

Oh, Freddie.

This is my friend Jade.

Jade, how cute is
my new friend Freddie?

Yeah. He's a pretty
little chunk a' boy.

[Chuckles]

Well, this is awkward.

You're entire life
is awkward.

You should be used to it
by now.

When did you get here?

This morning.
Yep.

Freddie and I have been
hanging' out all day.

Wait.
So you've been here a whole day

and you didn't call me
or text me or buy me a present?

I was gonna, but...
Ooo, Freddie, Freddie.

We're gonna be late
for our tour.

What tour?

I'm taking Freddie
on a tour of

all the Los Angeles
freeways.

Yeah, we're gonna see
the 101, the 10.

The 118, the 134.

The 405,
which I hear is wide.

Mm-hmm.

When I have friends
come to L.A.

I like to take 'em
on a tour of places

where famous people died.

Or where I feel
they will die.

Well,
we don't wanna be late.

Yeah.

Uh, hey, you guys
wanna come with us?
No. They're good.

Bye.
Oh, okay.

Uh, well,
I'll meet you later.
Or not.

Can you believe Cat?

Nah, for some reason
she's always loved freeways.

No. She's jealous 'cause you
and I have been hanging' out,

so she called my friend Freddie
and made him come to L.A.

Just to bug me.

Well,
where I come from ...

and that's
a dark, dark place ...

Yeah?

We don't get mad
at people.

We get even.

Actually, we get mad
and then we get even.

And sometimes
we smear fake blood

on their front door
in the middle of the night,

but that seems extreme
in this case.

So how can I get even
with Cat

for stealing
my friend Freddie?

I really don't
wanna take sides.

Come on.
Okay.

I'm getting a strong feeling
you and Freddie used to date.

I'm not proud of it.

Well, since Cat's
running around

with your ex-boyfriend...
Don't you say it out loud.

You make a date
with this guy.

His name's Robbie,

and Cat's had a crush on him
like forever.

Him?
He's sort of a him.

♪ I'm never that far,
no matter where you are ♪

♪ Believe it, we can
make it come true ♪

♪ And I... I... I... I...
I'll never say never ♪

♪ As long as we keep it
together ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules ♪

♪ But it's all gonna be
just fine ♪

♪ Just fine ♪

♪ You and me,
we're gonna be just fine ♪

♪ Hmm ♪

So wait.

The "iCarly" web show
couldn't start

until you pointed
at the girls?

That's right.

I'd go
"in 5, 4, 3, 2..."

You forgot the 1.

No, see I, I intentionally
don't say the 1.

It's okay, Freddie.

Whenever I count
I always forget 3.

No, but I ... I didn't forget
to say 1.

I do it on purpose.
Shh.

♪♪

What?
Shh.

♪ And I think you're swell ♪

That ...
that sounds like...

♪ I think you're swell ♪

Cat: Aah!

♪ I think you're swell ♪

Robbie Shapiro!

Whoa.

-Ah.
-Oh, Cat. You're back.

Uh, Robbie
was just singing me

a little song he wrote
called...

I know what it's called.
He wrote that song for me.

Robbie: Cat.
I'm swell! Me!

He sang that to me
over a year ago.

Well, he's singing' it
to me now.

My life
really is awkward.

Robbie, I thought you and me
had something special.

Well, it seems like
you've got something special

with a lot of fellas.

Hah, good one, glasses.

Why did you call Robbie
and invite him here?

Why did you call Freddie?

Robbie
is in love with me.

So? Freddie's
in love with me.

Now wait a second.

If you're
so in love with Sam

then why have you been
running around Los Angeles

fadoodling with Cat?

I haven't fadoodled
with Cat.

You could've
if you wanted to.

Huh?
How dare you.

You deserve this.

You probably do
a lot of sit-ups.

Why are you mad at me?
'Cause you came here to L.A.

And all you care about
is hanging' with Cat.

Uh, I came here
because I thought

you broke your buttocks.

Duh, I said buttocks
in front of girls again.

You know, none of this
would have happened

if you hadn't stolen
my friend Jade.

Oh, what kind of friend
are you,

bringing Freddie here
and flirting with him

when you know he's the only guy
I ever loved?

What now?

I'm exaggerating
to make a point.

I don't understand
any of this.

Well, let me
help you understand.

You and I are being used.

Really? Sam?

Maybe I used you
a little.

Yes!

You're happy about that?

Well, hecks yeah.

Up to this point
in my life,

my problem has been
a lack of use.

So if I must be a pawn
in the game of love

then I say, play ball.

Okay, listen to this.

Oh, let me guess, Dice.

You got a big problem,
don't you?

I bet you got
a big problem.

Yeah.
I got a big problem.

You want to know why?

'Cause I won 1,2000 pounds
of tuna fish in a poker game.

I can't sell them,

and the dirty skipper won't
jump them with his motorcycle

even though
I sold 200 tickets.

You texted me and said
the dirty skipper was
gonna jump the tuna.

Well, he was
till he went online

and found out how dangerous
Kansas Razorback tuna fish are.

I'm in major trouble here.

No, you're not.

'Cause I'm gonna
jump the tuna.

Yes.

You promised me
you wouldn't.

Oh, what do you care?
You can't like me very much

if you're gonna flirt
with my ex-boyfriend

right in front of my face.

Wh...well,
you flirted with Robbie

right in front of my face.

Oh, you mean like this?

Aah!

Ew.

Mmm, that was
some tasty Robbie.

You know what?

Jump your stupid motorcycle
over the tuna fish.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That sounds dangerous.

It is.

And I don't care
what happens to you.

Sam, I don't like
the idea...

Oh, why don't you
go check up on

your new
little girlfriend Cat?

Dude.

I'll jump the tuna,
but my bike's too heavy.

You find me a dirt bike.

Uh...four-stroke 150.

You've got it.

Excuse me.
I'm recording.

Would you mind saying,

"mmm, dat was
some tasty Robbie" again?

Look, don't take this
the wrong way,

but you make me sick.

I get it.

♪♪

Pbht!
Ugh!

Did...

You cut the pizza
into rectangles.

I know what I did.
I take geometry.

You know I only like
triangular pizza.

So why don't you ask your
new best friends Jade and Robbie

to cut your pizza for you
from now on?

All right, screwing up
my pizza is crossing a line.

Sorry. You mess with the Cat
you get the whiskers.

Hey, guys.

[Both groan]

Hey, Sam, come check out
what I got you.

Come on.

See?
It's your jumping bike.

It says "Dirty Sam."

Well, it said
"Dirty Skipper,

but when he backed out
I had my painter

change "Skipper"
to "Sam."

And you couldn't
have changed "Dirty"

to "Sweet Mama"
or something?

He charges me
a buck a letter.

You're a cheap little skunk,
aren't you?

Hey, um, so my lawyer

wants you
to initial these boxes

and sign here.

You want me to sign
a contract?

I just need to be protected
in case, you know ...

in case your motorcycle jump
is problematic.

Whatever.
Okay.

See it says,

"Sam agrees not to hold Dice
legally responsible

if Sam
crashes her motorcycle...

[Gasps]
...and her injuries result

in the loss of her arms,
legs, or head."

[Gasps]

I accept that risk.

Stop this!
Just stop it!

You are not jumping over
a bunch of dangerous tuna fish.

Who asked you?

Go get everything ready.

You got it, "Dirty Sam."
And don't call me Dir...

Oh, call me Dirty Sam.

You are not gonna
jump the tuna.

Oh, why aren't I?

'Cause I'm not gonna let you
do something stupid

and get hurt.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Weren't you the one who said,

"I don't care
what happens to you?"

Well, yeah,
you stole my friend,

and then you kissed
my kind-of-boyfriend Robbie

on his pink pouty lips.

And then you said
he was tasty.

I lied about the tasty.

I know. I've kissed him.

Well, I promised Dice,

and Sam Puckett
does not go back on her word.

Somebody has to jump over
those tuna on a motorcycle.

Fine. I'll jump the tuna.

Ha, you couldn't jump
over a can of tuna.

Now, come on. Help me find
my motorcycle gloves.

I put them somewhere
in the closet.

I put them somewhere
in the closet here,
but I'm not sure where,

so I'm gonna need your help,
okay, please?

Uh, Cat.

Hey!

Cat, open the door!

No,
you're a crazy person.

Why are you doing this?

'Cause I care about you
even after what you did.

[Banging on door]
Open this door.

Sam: Come on,
I got to jump the tuna.

Don't worry.

You will jump the tuna.

Sam: Cat! Cat!

Man: Everyone, please
take your seats.

Dirty Sam is scheduled
to jump the tuna in 20 minutes.

Okay, girls.
How many tickets?

-Uh, four.
-Excuse me.

Spear fisherman
coming' through,

outta the way,
outta the way.

Yeah, we would like
to buy two tickets.

Uh, 40 bucks.

Um, I assume
that there is a discount

for we spear fisherman.

40 bucks. Come on.

Jade, hey, Jade.

There you are.
You remember Freddie.

Sorta.
Hello.

We've been hanging out
all day.

All day.

That's neat.

Did you know that if you
merge my name with his name

we're Frobbie?

Ooo, I better
go get us tickets

to watch
the motorcycle jump.

Yeah, you better go.

[Chuckles]

Help me.

[Banging on door]

Sam: Cat, let me out.

I gotta be at the wharf in
20 minutes to jump the tuna.

And there's literally no food
in this closet.

[Banging on door]

Cat, what are you doing?

I'm wearing
your silly suit

and I'm gonna go
jump the tuna fish.

Sam: Dude,
you're gonna get hurt.

Well, then that's the price
I'll have to pay

for saving a friend
from doing something stupid.

But you're doing
something stupid.

It wouldn't be
the first time.

True.

But wait,
Dice sold tickets to people,

and they think I'm gonna
jump the tuna.

That's why I'm wearing
your suit and helmet,

so people will think
I'm you.

Uh, we don't exactly
have the same body.

Not yet.

Ah, yay, boo-soms.

All right.
I'll be back after the jump.

Oh, come on.

What am I supposed
to eat in here?

I'm sliding some pizza
under the door.

Oh! Rectangles.

Aah! Cat, open the door.

Man: Everyone,
please take your seats.

I'm sorry, man,
but you should have

ordered your tickets
ahead of time.

Come on. We're dying
to see Sam jump the tuna.

I'm not.
Really?

How come, fella?

'Cause I lo...

I really like Sam,

and I don't want
to see her get hurt.

Anyway, we're sold out.

Hey, those two guys
can watch the jump

from that camera lift
right there.

You guys want to watch
Sam jump from up there?

Ah, buena vista.

Oh, that will be fun.

Come along then,
new friend Freddie.

Up, up, and hooray.

[Banging on door]

Sam: Dice? Cat? Anyone?

I'm out of pizza.

All right, that tears it.

[Screams]

Nona:
Oh, excuse me, excuse me.

Oh...[Laughs]

I'm going to see
my granddaughter's roommate

jump the tuna.

Well, hello, Jade.

Nona.

How's Beck, that handsome
boyfriend of yours?

Are you two still
BF and GF?

Uh-huh.
[Chuckles]

You know, I used to date
a man whose last name was Beck.

Mm-hmm. Otis Beck.

Oh, he was a jazz musician
from New Orleans.

You should have heard him
blow that horn.

It sounded like a dozen angels
from heaven came down...

Oh.

Whoo! This might be
the popcorn talking,

but I feel like
I'm the King of the worm.

[Horn honks]

Ooh.

And here she comes.

Give it up for
"Dirty" Sam Puckett.

[Cheers and applause]

Here comes Sam.

Cat:
Ah, ah, how do I stop this?

Ohh! Aah! Aah!

[Laughter]

Look at her go.

Cat: How do I stop it?
Where's the stopper?

Why is she chasing
a man with buckets?

No, outta the way.

I don't know, fella.

I'm sorry.
Aah! Aah!

No, no.

[Cheers and applause]

All right.
You ready, Sam?

Yes, yes. I'm Sam.

I like food
and motorcycles.

Okay...
Well, jump good.

Yeah, yeah.
Thanks for those words.

Okay, drum roll.

[Drum roll]

Be careful, Sam.

Cat:
Okay. I can do this.

I'm a person.

Trust the force.

Dice: In 5...

All: 4, 3, 2, 1.

You forgot the 1.
It was intentional.

Go Sam.

Cat, no.

Oh.
Cat.

Here she comes.
She's gonna...

[Both scream]

[Audience groans]

[Both screaming]

The fish are biting us!
I can feel the fish biting!

Cat! Cat!
[Groans]

Ohh! Ohh!
Ow! My face!

Get up.
Ohh!

Are you okay?
I think so.

Oh, dude,
why did you do that?

You don't know
how to ride a motorcycle.

To protect you.

Oh, kid.

[Both screaming]

He's got my face.

Who are those boys
in the water?

That's Frobbie.

Somebody rescue FRobbie.

Please,
don't call us that!

Sam:
Oh, Freddie's in trouble.
Sam, don't.

[Audience groans]

[All screaming]

Freddie:
Sam, what are you doing?

I'm saving your life.

Hey, you're touching
my buttocks.

Ah, I said buttocks
again.

Ow.

[Cheers and applause]

Sam,
who's gonna save Robbie?

Robbie:
[Screaming]

Apparently, nobody's
gonna save Robbie.

Well, fine.

I'll save him.

Cat, no, no.
That's a horrible ...

Aah!

Ugh.
Ohh.

Dice: No refunds.

There will be no refunds.

Well, I guess
we don't get to see

a motorcycle
jump the tuna.

Yeah, but I'm satisfied
because someone got hurt.

That is wicked true.

You know, Freddie's nice,

but he's too much of
a techie, nerdy type for me.

Yeah, and, you know, Robbie ...
not my cut of beef.

Mm.

Um, could you guys
not talk about that

right in front of us?

Man, [muffled talking]

Oh, sorry.

We'll go out in the hall

and talk about you guys
behind your backs.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, Benson?
Mm.

When your face heals up
and you can chew again...

...Let's you and me
go grab some dinner

and have some fun.
[Muffled]
That sounds good.

By the way, I took 80 bucks
out of your wallet.

[Muffled shouting]

Cat, when my wounds heal,

maybe you and I could hang out,
just the two of us.

Would there be meatballs?

There would.

'Kay-'kay.

Well, Mr. Benson.
Mm?

I know what might cheer
a Freddie up.

[Muffled talking]

I'm still a little bit sore,
but, uh,

I think I can manage
to finger some strings.

[Muffled groan]
Mnh-mnh.

♪ I think you're swell ♪

Mm. Mnh-mnh,

♪ You're swell ♪

[Grunting]

[Beeping]

♪ You're the nugget
in my ChickenMc ♪

♪ The peanuts in my butter ♪

♪ Adding fiber to our diets ♪

♪ Beneficial for each other ♪

♪ You're a piece of
dental floss ♪

♪ And I am the teeth ♪

♪ You're Aretha Franklin ♪

♪ I am R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪

[Exhales deeply]

Man, I need a rack of ribs.

I got to stop Cat.