Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 22 - #Lumpatious - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Mm.

How great are these Sliders, huh?

Mm, mm.

Oh, yeah.

That is nice.

Now, slide.

All right.

- So, Lucas.
- Yes, Ma'am.

Your next vocabulary word is...

Projectile.



Projectile.

Projectile.

Okay, um, that word means,
uh, oh, I don't remember.

- Think.
- I'm trying.

Lucas. Check this out.

Sam, what are...

Ow.

Cheeses.

Hey, you.

You're throwing small burgers at Bots.

I didn't throw nothing.

You did, too.

Why are you so stupid?

Oh, no.



Sam, why did you do that?

You mean, why did I use
a Slider as a projectile?

Oh, yeah, now I remember.

Projectile, an object
that is thrown, launched,

or thrusted toward a specific target.

There you go, kid.

See? When you show a young boy what
a word means, it helps him remember.

Yeah. It's like vocabulary
through violence.

Everybody wins.

You guys are nice to help me study.

Aw, it's just what good babysitters do.

Because we get paid.

And because we really, really like you.

And we really like getting paid.

Let's just finish these vocabulary words
before his Mom comes to pick him up.

Uh...

My Mom's not picking me up.

My brother is.

- Ugh.
- Ewe.

Well, not that we
don't like your brother.

But we hate him.

It's a deep, deep hatred.

That's okay. Everyone hates Jepson.

Wait, Jepson?

You guys are talking about Jepson?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

We hate that guy.

It's a deep, deep hatred.

Hey, Sam, think you can
hit that red robot again?

Uh, let's see.

Oh no.

Hey, baby.

Did you throw that?

Answer me.

Why are you sucking that spoon?

I'm a robot.

Answer me.

Answer me.

Boo.

Now, come on. Pack it
up, punk-o. Let's roll.

My name is Lucas.

Right. Right. Punk-o.

Ugh, these fries are the worst.

I like the french fries here.

Well, you're wrong.

- I'm wrong?
- Yeah.

And it's stupid to call them french fries
because potatoes don't even grow in France.

Fact.

What happened?

Did someone scare me?

Why did I go non-conscious?

It's unconscious, not non-conscious.

What is this, the idiot section?

Why don't you be quiet, Jepson?

What?

Why you got to be so, so lumpatious?

Wait.

Did you call me lumpatious?

I don't know. Just forget it.

Guess what, everyone? I'm lumpatious.

Yeah. I'm a word that doesn't exist.

Fact.

It does too exist.

Yeah, tell him, Sam.

It does not exist.

And I know because I happen to be the

crossword puzzle champion
of Reseda and Canoga Park.

Oh, are you?

Yeah. I won a mug.

Fact.

Well, I say that lumpatious
is a word and you just don't

know it because you're even
dumber than your little brother.

Excuse me?

Yeah, Jepson.

Why you got to be so lumpatious?

Ooh.

Okay, sweetheart...

How much you want to bet
that lumpatious isn't a word?

How much you got?

Ooh.

Ooh.

Hey one of my french fries is missing.

I got it.

If we can prove that
lumpatious is a real word...

Yeah?

Then you have to wear...

A bikini.

- A bikini?
- Yep.

And you got to stand outside wherever
we tell you to for a whole hour.

Fine.

But you only get one week to
prove lumpatious is a word.

- Easy.
- H'weezy.

Yeah. And when you fail...

You two girls got to meet me in
my gym after my morning workout.

- And then...
- What?

I'm going to wring out my
sweaty shirt into a bowl...

And both of you got to drink my sweat.

- Oh, my God.
- You're on, clown.

Ooh.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

Ewe.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Click, tap.

Click, tap.

Did you find lumpatious yet?

No.

And I've searched 15
dictionary websites.

Argh.

And not one of those had lumpatious?

Not a one.

Dang it.

Well, what about all those
book-shaped dictionaries?

It's not in any of these, either.

Sam, I can't drink a
boy's sweat from a bowl.

Oh, you think I want to sit there and...

Oh I forgot one, got one
more dictionary left to check.

- Maybe lumpatious is in that one.
- Well, let's see. Um...

Okay.

Lugubrious. Lummix. Lumpfish.

- Hey, guys.
- Dang it. No lumpatious.

Dice!

- Are you okay?
- Look, he brought us the big one.

Oh, quick. Check the "L" words.

Okay.

- Hurry.
- Flipping as fast as I can.

Ow.

Uh, my nose is bleeding.

Well, don't drip on our floor.

Well?

Uh, lugubrious, lummix,
lumpfish, lunkhead.

Dah, dang it.

Go find us a dictionary
with even more words in it.

There isn't one. This is the
Oxnard English dictionary.

The biggest, most important
dictionary in the world.

Oh my God.

And if a word isn't in this
dictionary, then the word doesn't exist.

Ugh.

I can already taste the sweat.

Argh, argh, argh.

Stop gagging.

We are going to get
lumpatious in the dictionary.

Hey, where do they make this,
this Oxnard English thing?

In Oxnard.

Wait, wait. Isn't Oxnard
supposed to be, like...

The most beautiful
place in the whole world?

Oh, easily.

All right.

Tomorrow we are going to go to Oxnard.

- Me too?
- No.

Wow, I can't believe
how beautiful Oxnard is.

I know.

Maybe we could get a house here one day.

Pfft. In our dreams.

All right, let's get this going.

- Hey.
- Good afternoon.

Strawberry?

Sure.

- Wow.
- Mm. Good strawberry.

Well, of course. They're
grown right here in Oxnard.

Sometimes, we even
call them 'nard berries.

How can I help you girls today?

Oh, we need to put a
word in your dictionary.

- Yeah.
- And...

Do you have an appointment?

Yeah, I made one online.

Cat Valentine and Samantha Pookay?

It's "Puckett."

- My screen says "Pookay."
- I'm pretty sure it's "Pookay."

- Shouldn't I know?
- Yeah, you should.

All right, girls. You may see
the word keepers in a moment.

Please, have a stand over there.

I'm nervous.

Don't be we're just
going to go in there...

Let me go, please!

Your word is rejected.

But it belongs in the dictionary.

Silence.

Take him to the basement.

The basement? No. No. Please.

Please put my word in the dictionary.

Wait. I didn't get my strawberry.

Who are you?

Uh, she's Sam Pookay.

Puckett.

And you?

And I'm...

If you please...

Cat Valentine.

Is this your first time in Oxnard?

Yes, Sir.

It is.

Pretty great, right?

Yeah.

It's a beautiful town.

So, uh, we have a word.

It's a wonderful word.

And it really needs to
be in your dictionary.

Silence.

State the word.

The word we bring...

Unto you...

Is...

Lumpatious.

It could go right between
lummix and lumpfish.

Your evidence?

Huh?

The word lumpatious is unknown to us.

We must have evidence
that the word exists.

Okay, um...

What if we showed you proof that a
famous person said the word lumpatious?

A famous person?

Yeah.

It would have to be
someone truly famous.

Like a movie star.

Or a politician.

- An athlete.
- Yeah, yeah.

So, if we got proof that one of those
kind of people said "lumpatious"...

You'd put it in your
big word book thing?

We would accept such evidence.

Great.

You going to be here next week?

Of course.

Where else would we go?

We're already in Oxnard.

- Cool. See you in a few.
- Sam, what are...

How'd it go, girls?

Suckish.

And, uh, they want to see you.

Me?

Yeah. Better get in there.

Oh my goodness, oh goodness.

Sam.

You can't just take
all their 'nard berries.

Silence.

Yes, Ma'am.

Wait. So you guys actually talked
to the dictionary people in Oxnard?

- Yep.
- They rejected our word.

They didn't reject it.

They said that we need evidence
that lumpatious is a real word,

before they can add
it in the dictionary.

Oh, man this is some
spaghetti I'm going to eat.

So...

How are you guys going to prove
that lumpatious is a real word?

We're not.

- We are.
- We are not, I tell you.

They just have to get a
celebrity to say the word.

We don't know a celebrity.

We live in Los Angeles. We'll find one.

- No we won't.
- Not true.

We saw David Schwimmer at a gas station.

- Who's David Schwimmer?
- Exactly.

Look at this.

These spaghetti noodles
are way too long.

Oh, wow.

You've got big problems
over there, Dice, don't you?

Dude, lighten up.

You know, there are kids in some
countries who's noodles are too short.

Did you ever think of that?

- No.
- No.

Well, lookie, lookie...

My wookie.

Just get out of here, Jepson.

Mom's picking me up.

I ain't here for you, punk-o.

I'm here to give your
little babysitters a preview

of what they're going to have
to drink when they lose the bet.

Just wring out my sweaty shirt here.

Yeah.

What do you girls think
of my Jepson juice?

Ah!

Let go of me. Ah!

All right.

You may have broken my pinky.

But you will never prove
lumpatious is a real word.

Fact.

Sweet dreams, girls.

Or should I say sweat dreams.

Ha!

I am awesome.

I love that you broke his pinky.

I'd like to break a lot more
than that, like starting with...

- Oh.
- What?

I just remembered. A celebrity
lives at Elderly Acres with Nona.

Who?

I forget his name, but he
used to be an airplane pilot.

- I don't think pilots are that famous.
- Shut up.

A bunch of years ago, this
pilot's plane was going to crash,

but he landed it and
saved everybody's lives.

All right, let's go talk to him.

Dice, take care of Lucas.

Are you uncomfortable?

Mm-hmm.

Robot?

Uh, robot. Excuse me, Sir. Robot.

Hello. Why have you summoned me?

His noodles are too long.

Oh no.

Activating lasers.

Thanks.

Pasta la vista.

Yeah, I said that.

Nona, Nona.

Where's my Nona?

Uh, excuse me. We're looking
for a lady, elderly, red hair,

tells long stories that
nobody wants to hear.

Cat, over here.

Nona. Did you get my text?

Yes. But tell me,
what does S-M-S mean?

Suck my sandwich. Where's the pilot?

Well, I'll call him. Stank.

Stank?

Mm-hmm.

Sam and Cat, this is my friend
and fellow elderly, Stank Maxwell.

This is my granddaughter.

Yeah, yeah, great to meet
you. Are you sure he's famous?

Oh, my goodness, yes.

Back in the eighties he
was all over the news.

He even had his own breakfast
cereal, Shredded Stank.

So, uh, Captain Stank.

We were hoping you'd let us shoot a
video of you saying this word, lumpatious.

- It'll just take one second.
- And we promise we're...

- Girls, girls, girls.
- What?

Stank can't talk.

Huh?

Why can't he talk?

Because when he landed that
plane, the impact was so hard,

that he bit right through his tongue.

Where's his tongue?

Oh, man, his tongue's in a jar.

I'm going to have to drink sweat.

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

You're a tongueless hero.

Ank-ooo.

Have a lollipop, Stank.

Sam, you've already had nine milkshakes.

Hey, tomorrow I'm going to have to drink
a mugful of boy sweat from a teenage jerk.

And after that, nothing's
ever going to taste good again,

so I'm sucking down number ten.

What do you think boy sweat tastes like?

Ugh! I don't know.

Probably like...

Like what?

Shh. Look it. Look it.

Oh, my God, it's the
Governor of New Jersey.

At the Inside-Out
Burger drive-thru window?

Looks that way.

We got to get him to
say lumpatious on video.

Cat, wait. Don't. Don't...

- Governor! Governor!
- Cat!

Please I've got to get a video of you
saying lumpatious . Please no, no, no.

I just need a video of the Governor
saying lumpatious on video. Please.

I don't want to drink boy sweat.

Governor.

Governor.

Governor.

Hello and welcome to Inside-Out Burger.
I'm crawling into your vehicle now.

Governor. Excuse me, Governor.

I'm crawling over you,
what do you think I'm doing?

Sorry, didn't mean to
step on that, Governor.

Hello, Governor. I just...

- Want to record a video of you quickly.
- Wait.

Governor.

So, since you guys asked for evidence
that lumpatious is a real word...

Please watch your large video screen.

- Huh?
- Governor!

Just say it, come on.

All right. Let me be clear on this.

I do not like anyone who is lumpatious.

Lumpatious people are
not welcome in New Jersey.

Governor!

Now can I have my hamburgers?

So, that was the Governor of New Jersey.

Oh, we know.

We're fans of the Governor.

He's quite large.

So?

Now will you add lumpatious to
the Oxnard English dictionary?

Very well.

From this day forward,
henceforth and here-to-for...

The word lumpatious...

Shall take its place in
the glorious "L" pages...

Of the Oxnard English dictionary.

- We did it.
- We did it.

- Thank you.
- Now we don't have to drink sweat.

- Oxnard, Oxnard, Oxnard.
- Oxnard, Oxnard, Oxnard.

- Okay, thanks.
- We're going to go.

Drink sweat?

Gross.

I like it.

I know, I know, I know.

Be a good girl.

Now you just stand there on
that table and look pretty.

For a whole hour.

This is ridiculous.

Fact.

Oh, don't be so lumpatious.

Yeah, lumpatious.

Lucas, is there anything you'd like
to say to your lumpatious big brother?

Hey!

You just keep your
mouth zipped, punk-o.

Just a sec.

Excuse me, guys?

That boy in the bikini says
motorcycles are for wusses.

Let's go.

Hey, where you going?

Lucas, you stay here with me. Lucas.

What do you freaks want?

To hurt you.

What's your problem?

Hey. You better not hurt me.
I'm a yellow belt in karate.

Fact. Ah!

Governor.

Governor.

Governor.

Governor.

Governor.

Governor.