Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 21 - #MagicATM - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Ah, ah-ha.

Ha, ha!

Look out! I'm zigging and zagging.

Oh...

Wee!

What is that?

It's a Ziggity Zag. Want to ride on it?

Uh, yeah.

You're going to have to catch me first.

Woo!



Hey, older lady, hold this.

Cat, wait.

So heavy.

Cat, are you, hey, hey, hey.

All right.

Wee!

Okay, Cat, it has come to this.

- I surrender.
- Okay, okay.

What is going on here?

Babysitting.

- Yeah!
- Babysitting!

I meant, where did this and
all this other stuff come from?

A toy store!

I was asking Cat.



Where did all this
other stuff come from?

A toy store!

No, I mean, Cat.

All right. Hey, stop.

I mean, where did you get the
money to buy all the stuff?

An ATM.

Doy.

I told you Cat's the smart one.

I thought you didn't
have a bank account.

I don't.

Well, then, how did you
get money out of an ATM?

Look, you want to keep asking questions,

or you want to go check
out what's in our room?

- What's in our room?
- Go look.

Is she okay?

Yes. That was a scream of joy.

Oh my God!

You got me a Ziggity Zag! Woo!

Am I the best or what?

- You're the best.
- I know.

- You're the best.
- I know.

I am the best.

Woo!

- We need more space.
- Agreed.

- Let's go outside. Wah!
- Woo!

Wait, wait. What about the kids?

- Yeah.
- We want to play.

You can.

Chase us!

Pelt us with ping pong balls!

Woo!

Yeah!

Woo!

Woo! Ah!

Hey, kids.

Hey, Herb.

Hello, Herb.

Guess what?

I just joined a gym.

It's in Beverly Hills. So,
it's a really expensive gym.

I used to say I didn't
have the time to exercise.

And then I realized, you make time.

My life's going great.

- Woo!
- Woo!

Hey, we should go buy more cool stuff.

Uh-uh. I can't afford to buy new stuff.

Well, I'll pay for it.

- With what?
- With...

This.

What? Where'd ya get that fat wad?

From an ATM.

How many times does she got to tell you?

So, you want to keep asking questions
or you want to go buy more cool stuff?

Look, I just want to
be sure that it's...

- Cool stuff.
- Yay!

But can we stop by your ATM first?

Sure, if you want to.

- Oh hey, what's up guys?
- Hi, Dice.

Hey, can you watch
these two kids for us?

- I can't. I'm supposed to...
- Oh, thanks. Yay!

You guys want to feel my hair tuft?

Yeah, you do.

Wow.

Right?

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Hey.

Hey, dude.

Shh! I'm taking selfies.

But I want to buy this jerky.

This is not my problem.

Selfie. Selfie.

Selfie.

Okay, so, where's this ATM?

Follow my body.

Hey, girls.

Hey, girls.

Hey, girls.

- What's up?
- Yeah?

Which of these pictures
make me look hot?

This?

- No.
- Gross.

This?

- Gross.
- No.

This?

- Ugh.
- Ewe.

This?

- Ewe.
- Ugh.

I take more selfies.

So, this is your ATM?

Yarp.

But you don't have a bank account?

Norp.

Well, then, how'd you get an ATM card?

I don't have an ATM card.

Well, then, how are you getting
money out of an ATM machine?

- The tones.
- The tones?

The tones!

Okay, we keep saying the tones, but I
still have no idea what the tones means.

Press the buttons.

See? Every time you press one of those
number buttons, you can hear a beep.

And this is big news
there in your bunny brain?

Well, yeah. Because, you know, I started
thinking of that old song, you know.

♪Take me down to the basement.

♪Fill the buckets with cheese.

Wait, wait. No, no, no.

What?

That's take me out to the ball game.

Huh?

♪Take me out to the ball game.

♪Take me out with the crowd.

Those lyrics make no sense.

Anyway, I started wondering if I could
play that song with these number buttons.

See?

♪Take me down to the basement.

♪Fill the buckets with cheese.

What?

See? 400 bucks.

Holy buckets of cheese!

What did she say?

Nothing. Take more selfies.

Yes! I love to selfie.

How many times have you done this?

I don't know, like,
two or three times...

A day.

What? Shh! Listen.

You cannot tell anyone about this.

Why? It's not stealing.

I just play a song and the
machine thanks me with cash.

I know, but I... I'm
not sure this is legal.

Oh. Should I give this back?

Well, I didn't say that.

Then what should we do?

I say we think about it while
we buy stuff at the Mall!

- Woo!
- Woo!

Woo! That was so much fun!

I know.

Whoever said money can't
buy happiness was so stupid!

Yeah. You just got to have enough money.

Ooh, I got to put my meat away.

Yeah, and I got to put on my Tush Tail.

Uh oh.

Boom!

I have reached my destination.

Hi, Dice.

Whoa, is that fresh meat?

Yep.

Me and Cat were at the Mall, so I went
into my favorite store, Omagod Meats!

And I got all this.

This is some nice looking beef.

And expensive.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

I didn't look, I just took.

Hey, guys, look what I got for my butt!

- What's that?
- It's a Tush Tail.

See? You just clip it around here.

Take this little sensor,
put it on your heart.

You turn it on.

And now tell me something
that'll make me happy.

Cookies with mustaches.

- It's wagging.
- Cool.

Oh.

See? The sensor detects the change in
my heart rate and makes my tail wag.

Insane.

Where did you guys get the
money to buy all this stuff?

Hey, shut up.

Never ask us about our business.

Okay.

So, hey, I need a favor.

Now what?

Well, you guys know my Aunt Ferjeen.

Sure.

Does she still have the night gas?

Oh yeah.

So, anyway, tomorrow night
she's flying to Japan.

Yay, I love air travel.

Anyway, she's taking Futz,
her helper monkey, with her.

Uh, maybe we could get Futz to help
you get to the end of your story.

I need you to stop by the
animal hospital late tomorrow

and pick up some pills that will
help Futz sleep on the plane.

- Monkey pills?
- Yeah.

- Well, why can't you get 'em?
- Oh, because I...

Have to be somewhere tomorrow night.

Where?

Oh, I don't, I don't, someplace.

Where do you have to be?

I'm in the Burbank
spelling bee, all right?

Oh my...

In Burbank.

You know what? Just forget it.

- No, no, no.
- No, Dice, we're sorry.

Aw, don't be a pouty puss.

We'll pick up your monkey pills.

- Thank you.
- Which animal hospital?

Pet-mergency on
Moonpark and Clearwater.

- Got it.
- Oh, Dice.

Good luck at...

The bee.

- Yay.
- Wahoo.

All right.

How much money we got left?

About 40 bucks.

That's all?

Yeah, but you know the
animal hospital where

we're picking up Dice's
monkey sleeping pills?

Yeah?

Is right around the corner from the
Handy Quick where my magic ATM is.

Nah, we better forget about that ATM.

Why?

Well, it could get us
in a lot of trouble.

I don't want to land back in juvy.

Juvy schmoovy.

- You worry too much.
- No, I don't.

You know, money can
buy more than just meat.

- I know.
- Like...

Front row tickets to see the...

Lakers.

Like...

Violent video games.

Fried chicken.

Fried chicken.

All right!

We'll go back to the ATM
machine one more time.

Look at my tail go.

♪It likes to wiggle.

♪It likes to wiggle.

♪It likes to wiggle.

So disturbing.

Hi. Just this pouch of tuna, please.

Hey. You will take pic of me?

Uh, sure.

Another.

More.

Never stop.

Here, hold the monkey pills.

Why do I got to hold the monkey pills?

So I can get us some more cash.

Good reason. Gimme.

Why don't you go on over
to your little ATM and...

- Where's the bottle of monkey pills?
- Should be in the sack.

Well, they're not. They
were in the sack, but...

- Oh, you dropped them by the door.
- Ah.

Hey, be careful. Don't
step on that bottle of...

Oh, you crushed the
bottle, you dumb rubber bag.

- Just put the pills in the sack.
- All right.

♪Take me down to the basement.

♪Fill the buckets with cheese.

Hey! You, girl!

Hello, foreign friend.

You the one been taking
money from my machine.

No, I don't take it, the
machine just gives it to me.

- Come on, let's just get out of here.
- Can I please pay for my tuna pouch?

No tuna!

Hey, policeman. Policeman.

Come to here. Come!

- Oh, geez.
- Oh, geez.

What's the problem?

I just wanted to buy
this tuna pouch but...

Shut up about pouch!

You know how some person been sucking
cash money from my atom machine?

- Yeah.
- It this girl!

You?

Maybe.

Tell him he's handsome.

- You're handsome.
- More flirty.

Oh, wow, you're all handsome.

Let's go. Hands in
front of your stomach.

Oh my gosh. Sam, help me!

- Man, leave her alone.
- No!

Officer, can you take her away please?

- Where am I going?
- To juvy.

- Juvy?
- I don't want to go to juvy.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have
taken any money out of the ATM.

But I didn't think there
would be consequences.

- Sam!
- Wait, no!

- You cannot take my friend to juvy.
- Why?

Because she's not tough.
She can't handle it.

Oh. Well, too bad.

Wait.

Take me to juvy with her.

- No.
- Why not?

Because you didn't commit a crime.

Here, lemme have that.

Ah!

Okay, yeah. That does it.

You know the drill. That a girl.

There we go.

Okay. Let's go.

Yes.

Officer?

Officer?

Would you turn on the radio?

Sure. I'll turn the radio on for you.

Maybe later maybe we can
get a slice of pizza and,

go to the Mall and meet some boys.

I think he's being sarcastic.

No.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Hey, did you see how
fast that dude was going?

Yes I did.

Dispatch, this is officer Kelvin.

I'm in pursuit of a
late model green Mercury.

License plate Adam Tony
Roma, one seven nine.

- Can you run that plate for me?
- Acknowledged.

What's happening?

He's following that car
that just blew past us.

I am starving.

Hey, what's in this little white
bag of yours? Is this candy?

Oh. Those are sleeping
pills for a monkey.

They're supposed to help the monkey
sleep while he flies to Japan.

Okay, now you shouldn't
lie to a Police Officer.

You're already in enough trouble.

- But we're not lying.
- Dude, don't eat those.

I'm a cop. I can eat whatever I want.

Car 221, green Mercury.

License Adam Tony Roma one four
seven nine three reported stolen.

Oh, dang it.

All right, ladies. Hold on. Here we go.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Yeah, usually I'm the
one running from the cops.

This guy's doing 80 miles an hour.

You know if you swing a left on
Leland you can cut him off at Vine.

I know how to catch
a criminal, thank you.

I don't need you telling me how to...

I don't need you telling me...

I'm tired.

- The monkey pills.
- We told him.

This is officer...

This is officer...

Nap time.

He fell asleep at the wheel!

Wake up! Mister cop!
We need you to wake up!

You got to drive the car, Mister cop!

Oh, geez!

- What are you doing?
- I'm trying to keep us from crashing!

Oh my God!

- Could you turn on the radio?
- No!

Get up here and help me!

- Okay, I'm coming!
- Come on. Faster!

Hurry. Oh, geez!

- Get these handcuffs off me, will you?
- Okay. With what?

The key. Check the cop's pocket.

- Okay which cop?
- The one I'm sitting on!

Oh God! Okay!

Mommy, can I have a sandwich, please?

- I got the key!
- Okay, good. Put it in the thing.

- Put it in the thing.
- Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?

- Okay. Sam?
- What?

Can you please pull over so
I can put on my seat belt?

No.

I am in high-speed pursuit!

Dispatch, this is car 221.

I'm chasing the green Mercury
currently heading east on Melrose.

Who is this?

Ooh, lemme answer.

Hi. That was my friend Sam Pumpkin.

Puckett!

And I'm Cat Valentine.

What's your name?

Where is officer Kelvin?

Whoa. Whoa. He's slowing
down. He's slowing down.

- He's gonna ditch!
- Huh?

Tell her the suspect is going to ditch!

Okay. My friend Sam says the
suspect is going to ditch.

But I do not know what that means.

It means he's getting out of
his car and he's going to run.

Hang on!

Oh no!

Suspect is on foot. I'm
1062, starting foot pursuit.

Oh no. Oh no.

- Sam! Sam!
- What?

Can I please turn on the radio?

No!

Hi.

What's the situation?

Well...

My friend Sam is chasing
after the bad guy.

And, oh! Oh, she caught him.

And, oh!

He just tried to punch her,
but she kicked him and...

Now she's spanking him.

And spanking him.

And spanking him.

And now he's falling down and...

Oh! He's down.

He's down. Oh, gosh.

Oh, I can't look anymore, but I believe
there is a beat-down in progress.

Yep, I'd say she's definitely
beating the 10-200 out of him.

Oh, gosh!

You don't have to return
everything we bought.

Yes we do.

Oh, please, please don't take
my meat, not my sweet meats.

We're taking the meat.

You girls took over
$4,000 from that ATM.

Yeah. Yeah they did. I so angry!

Would you like to press
charges against these girls?

Nah.

Hey, you will take pic
of me for my profile?

Move away.

You know you still have to repay
the money you took from that ATM.

- What?
- We don't have 4,000 bucks.

You're gonna have to come up with it.

Ha, ha, you have to come up with $4,000.

Why don't you take another
one of those monkey pills?

- Hey! That's not funny at all.
- Hey, hey.

Anyway, just hope that this incident
has helped you girls learn something.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Really? Okay.

Well, looks like you girls are in luck.

- How?
- Huh?

The man who stole the car, the
suspect that Sam captured...

And beat. Yeah?

Yeah. He's wanted in three states.

And the reward for
capturing him is $5,000.

Really?

- What?
- Wow!

That means we can pay back the ATM
money and we made a thousand bucks.

We learned nothing!

Yeah! Woo!

Yay!

Let's sing a song, everyone.

♪Take me down to the basement.

♪Fill the buckets with cheese.

Well, sing along.

♪Tickle your mother with pucker fish.

♪Kiss a rhinoceros, then make a wish.

♪Because it's noodle
soup for the sailors.

♪If their boat sinks in the rain.

♪And we won't, won't...

♪Pay for this song.

♪Because it's public domain.

♪Because it's public domain.

That's not how the song goes.

It's a coupon book. I made it myself.

Coupons for what?

For stories.

About my past.

Oh.

How long are the coupons good for?

As long as I'm alive.

I wouldn't wait too long to use those.