Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 19 - #MyPoober - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Hey, I'm back.

Yay. I love when you're back.

So, did you finish?

Yep. All done. Look.

What is that?

It's a man, made of money.

I call him "Mr. Bills".

Cat, I told you to count the money.

Why?

So we'd know how much we've
saved from our babysitting. Jeez.



Well, I think what Cat did was good.

All right, I can't take this.

Sam, no. Please don't
drink another root beer.

You folded our money into a man.

You've already had three root
beers and it's still morning.

I drink the root beer because of you.

Wait.

I'll take Mr. Bills apart and
we can count the money together.

Good girl.

Now, some music.

What are you doing?

Well, before I take him apart, I
have to dance with him at least once.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.



♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ And I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Ten.

Green.

Rectangle.

And done.

Me too.

I got 325. What'd you get?

I got somewhere between...

150 and 637.

Anyway, the cool news is, we have
saved a ton of money from babysitting.

Yay! We should open up
a special bank account.

- No. No. No.
- No?

My Uncle Carmine always told me,
don't trust banks, banks get robbed.

- Was he a banker?
- No. He was a robber.

Anyway, you wanna know where
we're gonna keep all this money?

Yes. Please tell me now.

We are gonna put it in this.

But that's a pineapple.

You think it's a pineapple.

Yeah. I think lots of
things are pineapples.

Just shut up and watch this.

How did you do that?

It's not a real pineapple.
See? It's a secret safe.

Perfect for stashing cash.

I love it. It's a fruit with a secret.

Yeah. A secret.

Which means you can't ever tell
anyone about our secret pineapple.

Oh, I promise.

And you can't tweet about it.

Ding dong.

- Who's here?
- The kid we're babysitting.

Hi. You must be Mrs. Farber.

- Yes. Hello.
- So, where's your daughter?

Oh. She's waiting down
the hall with my husband.

- May I come in?
- Sure. It's this way.

- Hey.
- Hi.

So, before I bring Ellie in...

I want to make you an offer.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, Ellie has a little problem.

Aw, man. She doesn't sniff
her fingers, does she?

No.

Because I can't deal with little kids
who are always sniffing their fingers.

Stop it!

I promise, she is not a finger sniffer.

So then what's the problem?

It's her stuffed animal.

Poober.

Poober?

Yes. We gave it to her when she turned
three years old, and she loved it.

She never let Poober out of her sight.

Aw, that's sweet. Now, get to the point.

Well, my husband and I thought
Ellie would stop carrying

Poober around everywhere
by the time she was five.

But then she turned six and still...

She always had to take
Poober wherever she went.

Wow. You've been talking a long time.

Anyway...

If you girls can get my little
Ellie to give up Poober forever...

I will give you a $500 bonus.

500?

Oh, it's okay. You don't
need to pay us money.

- Oh!
- 500 works.

Good.

Donald, bring in Ellie.

Hey, you see this pineapple?

Yes?

Nothing.

Yo. Here she is.

Come on babe, let's go.

That's Ellie?

You said she was six.

Oh, she was, five years ago.

Hey, hey come on. We're gonna
be late for Juice Newton.

Go wait in the car.

Well, girls, I think
you know what to do.

Ellie, you have fun with Sam and Cat.

Okay, mom.

So, how much money did my mom offer
to pay you to get rid of Poober?

What?

Oh, please. My parents have been trying
to get Poober away from me for years.

We're not gonna take
Poober away from you.

I just wanna pet him. Ow!

Paws off.

And if either one of you try to take
Poober away from me, you'll be sorry.

Now, you listen here, little Ellie...

Shh. Relax.

She's just a feisty little kid.

Kind of reminds me of
how I was at her age.

Except I'm cute.

I will show you an
old-fashioned prison beat down.

No, please don't. Sam, no. No, Sam.

Please, Sam, she's just a little girl!

Enjoy your meal.

Pretty good hamburger, huh?

Yeah. Now can I have dessert?

Let's make a deal.

How about we buy you any
two desserts you want.

Mm-hmm.

And you throw Poober in a toilet.

Ooh, that sounds like a great idea.

- I got a better deal for you.
- What is that?

You buy me two desserts
and shut up while I eat 'em.

- Sam, no!
- Give me the bear! Give me the bear!

Give me the bear! Give it to me!

Just give me the bear!

- Sam! Please!
- Give me your little bear!

You know Ellie, you don't
wanna make Sam angry.

Why shouldn't I?

Because you know, Sam seems
like a nice girl and all...

But when she gets angry,
she can get kind of...

Aggressive, hostile, and physically
harmful to other people and property?

Nailed it.

What are you reading?

What your parole officer
wrote about you in your file.

On the Seattle Juvenile
Detention website.

Uh-oh. She knows you did time in juvy.

I don't care.

You will care, if you try
to take Poober away from me.

Because I'll just call your
parole officer and tell him that

Sam Puckett used physical force
against an eleven-year-old.

And then you'll be back in jail.

Maybe she should keep her Poober.

Well, I don't have a prison
record, so maybe I'll just...

Oi!

She's got a firm grip.

Oi.

I gotta join a gym.

- I'm gonna use your bathroom.
- Oh, good, go wazz it up.

Wazz on Poober, why don't you?

Sam.

I'll take Poober with me.

Oh, good. Take Poober with you.

How are we gonna get
Poober away from her?

Ah, forget about Poober.

I don't even care about the
500 bucks anymore, do you?

- Yes.
- Me too. Oh God, I want it so bad.

Here, just...

Take your bat and go
outside to your hitting tree.

- Why does she have to be such a...
- Shh.

Just go and hit your
tree till you feel better.

Thanks.

You really get me.

- So, Ellie.
- You're not taking Poober away from me.

I just wanna talk.

What's that sound?

Just Sam assaulting a tree.

So, Ellie, can I ask you a question?

Go for it.

Why do you carry Poober
around with you all the time?

It's a secret.

Well, if I tell you a secret,
will you tell me yours?

I might.

Okay.

See this pineapple?

Yeah.

Don't tell Sam I told
you, but it's fake.

We keep our money inside. See?

Wow. That's really smart.

I'm guessing you didn't think of it.

Nope.

So...

Now will you tell me your secret about
why you carry Poober around all the time?

Well...

Well, I guess...

Because I'm not really that popular.

And I never know if the
other kids are gonna like me.

But Poober always did
and he always will.

I just feel more okay
when Poober's with me.

I guess that makes me a freak, huh?

Aw, Ellie!

Of course that makes you a freak.

But you can fix that.

How?

By realizing that you're
nice, you're smart.

And the only reason why
people think you're weird is...

You know...

Because of your Poober.

So, you think, if I didn't
have Poober anymore...

I could make some friends?

Uh-huh.

Dang it!

Uh-oh.

Hey, I need a new tree and one
of our neighbors needs a new car.

- Look what I got.
- What?

- You got Poober?
- Yep.

Now, while you think
about all the wonderful

times you and Poober
have shared together.

I'll go throw him in a dumpster.

No. No. No.

We need to make sure that
thing stays gone forever.

How?

We're gonna send
Poober into outer space.

Into outer space.

Why did you say it twice?

Just to be clear, Cat.

Just to be clear.

Hey, Dice?

Yeah, Gooms?

When it's time to launch the rocket,
can I be the one who does the countdown?

You know you have a hard time
counting backwards from ten.

So why can't I just count
upwards, from one to ten?

- That's not how you do it.
- Well, it's how I wanna do it.

You guys, we better do this now.

Goomer missed his nap
and he is getting cranky.

Come on.

- Okay, we ready?
- We're all set.

Goomer, how long have
you been into rockets?

Ever since I was a little Goomer.

I like rockets...

Because they're like big pointy
hot dogs that can fly to the stars.

That's beautiful.

Ellie, are you sure you're ready?

- I'm sure.
- Good, give it.

Here.

Okay. And now I just open this door...

I'm sorry Dice, whose rocket is this?

Whatevs, man.

Now, I will take Mr. Poober...

And shove him into this compartment.

- And now...
- Wait.

Could I please be alone with Poober for
a minute before we send him up into space?

Aw, Ellie, sure ya can.

- Totally.
- Of course.

You have 30 seconds.

Did you guys hear a tree
fell on my mom's car?

- Let's go launch that rocket.
- Here we go.

All right, Ellie.

You ready to send your little
Poober up into outer space?

Uh-huh.

Goodbye, sweet Poober.

Okay.

Ten...

Nine...

Uh...

Wait, don't tell me.

Hey, can I see that for a second?

Whoops, my thumb slipped.

Sam!

- We have ignition!
- We have lift-off!

And I have Poober.

You took Poober out of the rocket?

Yep. And I replaced him with
your pineapple full of money.

With our pineap...

Oh no!

Uh...

Oh!

I told you if you tried to take
Poober away from me, you'd be sorry.

Are you sorry?

You look sorry.

I'm gonna go have a
little chat with her.

No!

Well, all our money's
on the stinking moon.

No, it didn't really
go into outer space.

The rocket only goes
up about 1,000 feet.

Right. And then it poops
out a little parachute...

Floats across the sky
until it lands somewhere.

Where?

Yeah. Where, where, where does it land?

- Well, inside the...
- It's my rocket!

And I'll answer the questions.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

I do not know.

It's a reusable rocket that has
a built-in tracking system. See?

Great, so we can just use
the Pear Pad to find it.

- Yep.
- Well, then let's go.

- I'll get the girl.
- Leave the bat.

Ugh!

- There it is, you see it?
- I see it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Turn left, hang a left.

Left turn.

Hey, Goomer.

- Go easy on the turns, would you?
- Sorry, Kip.

- Who's that guy in back?
- Oh, his name is Kip.

He got thrown out of his apartment, so
I let him live in the back of my truck.

Hey, I'm making grilled cheese
sandwiches back here. Anybody want one?

How are you cooking back there?

With my Heezy Cake Oven.

Yeah, I'll take a grilled cheese.

- I want one.
- Cheese me.

- Thanks. Grilled cheese?
- Thanks.

- There you go.
- Wow, how will I finish this?

Cat, here's yours.

No thanks. Tiny food scares me.

Gooms, grilled cheese for you.

Hey, hey, hey, it looks like
the rocket's coming down.

- I see it, go that way.
- That way!

Kumquat!

I'm gonna take a sponge bath now.

Hey...

Cat?

Hey.

How did Ellie know that our
money was in the pineapple?

Um...

Oh! Spanish talk radio!

I wonder what they're
saying, I'll turn it up.

Oh.

I know I shouldn't have told
Ellie about the pineapple

but it seemed like a
good move at the time.

Dang it, Cat!

At least I didn't tell Dice you
made the tree fall on his mom's car.

What?

This place is really creepy.

Anybody see the rocket?

No. But this thing says it
landed somewhere around here.

What is this place?

This is a cemetery.

Oh, good. Because I need
to buy a new swim trunks.

Seriously, we let this guy drive us?

Can we please just find the rocket
with the pineapple in it and go, please?

Why don't we go see if
anyone's in that shack there?

- Thank you, guys. Great idea.
- Oh, brilliant, smart.

Nobody's in here.

- Well, I guess nobody's in there, so...
- Come on.

I give up.

Please don't hurt me.

- Goomer.
- Alright.

Ah! Ghosts!

Sweet Jupiter, don't snatch my soul.

We're not ghosts.

We're looking for a model
rocket about yay big.

- It's filled with money.
- Shut!

- Shut what?
- Up.

Now.

Wait a second, haven't I
seen you somewhere before?

Well, I used to live in
Seattle, where I was a DJ.

And then I worked at
The Pear Store for...

- That's where I know you from!
- Ah!

Man, I should have gone with my
dumb parents to see Juice Newton.

Listen.

In the past hour or so,
have you seen anything

fall down from the
sky and land out there?

Yeah, I did. I thought it was
a ghost coming down to get me.

- The rocket!
- Where is it?

I got scared so I shot
it with my shotgun.

Your what?

You shot my rocket?

You're so large.

Where's the rocket?

- Open it.
- I know what to do.

Your pineapple's full of bullet holes.

Yeah. Thanks for trying
to murder our money.

I didn't know.

My beautiful space hot dog.

Don't worry, we'll fix it.

We can't fix it.

Okay, you wazz-bags got your
money, so somebody take me home.

Sure.

But first...

Hey!

You guys can't just leave
me here in a cemetery shack.

Looks like it's just you and me, kid.

Well, you, me...

And my ukulele.

♪It's midnight.

♪And I'm a-waiting on a 12:05.

♪Hoping it'll take me just
a little farther down the line.

Ooh! Ah!

♪Playing with the Queen of Hearts.

♪Knowin' it ain't really smart.

♪The Joker ain't the only fool...

♪That'll do anything for you.

♪Laying out another lie...

Por unos momentos, estuve
silenciado, pero ahora, me...

I'd know what he just
said if I spoke Spanish.

Yeah. And you'd understand this.

Si no encontramos nuestra
pina llena de dinero tendre que

agarrar unas tijeras y
cortarse los dedos de los pies.

Gracias?