Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 17 - #SalmonCat - full transcript

When ordered to rename their babysitting business because it's too similar to "Salmon Cat," a TV show from the seventies, Sam & Cat must track down the show's creators and resolve a years' long feud.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Subs created by: David Coleman.

All right, now, let me
just get my jump rope ready.

You sure you want us to
hit tennis balls at you?

Oh yeah.


Because if I'm really good at jumping rope
while you're hitting me with tennis balls.

Imagine how great I'll
be when you're not.

You guys are weird babysitters.

Wait'll you see what we feed you.

All right.

Cinderella dressed in... ow!

Yellow... ow!

Went... ow! Upstairs... ow!

To meet... ow! Ow!

Hey, bad idea! Bad idea!

It was a bad idea!

- Ding dong.
- You'll get it.

I'll get it.


A man!

My name is Martin Malloy.

- Ooh!
- I'm a lawyer.

A lawyer?

Is this about my Mom? Is she in jail?
Did she go to church naked again?

- I don't know your Mother.
- Ugh, must be nice.

Why don't you come in, Mr. Marty Malloy?

Thank you.

What's this about?

Do you two run a business called...

Sam and Cat's super rockin'
fun-time Babysitting Service?


Take these papers.

Ooh, stapled.

- That's a cease and desist order.
- Hey!

Talk English, man.

Fine, I'll be more clear.

Change the name of your
Babysitting Service.

You're not allowed to
use the names Sam and Cat.

- What?
- But those are our names.

It's also the name of a popular
kids' TV show from the 1970s.

What TV show?

Salmon Cat.

- Salmon Cat?
- Salmon Cat.

That's a puppet.

A puppet named Salmon Cat.

Look, he's half cat, half salmon.

That's a fish.

Oh. Salmon Cat.

But we're Sam and Cat, not
some weirdo mutant fish puppet.

Salmon Cat was a show for children.

You two run a Babysitting
Service for children.

Salmon Cat. Sam and Cat.

Obviously, that's confusing.

It is confusing.

You think toast is confusing.

No. I used to think it was confusing,

but then I read that book
about toast and now I get it.

You girls must stop using Sam and Cat
in the name of your Babysitting Service.

But it's already on our website and on
our business cards. I ordered T-shirts.


I got this.

Why is she holding a tennis racket?

I think she's going
to hit you with balls.

Wait, I am a lawyer and I...

Ball in the hole!


Mm! Mm!

Now I want toast.

I'll get my book.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Schlemeel! Schlemazel!
Hasenfeffer Incorporated.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Okay, wait a minute, you're saying a lawyer
just showed up at your apartment yesterday?

Yeah. And he said we're not
allowed to use the names,

Sam and Cat anymore for
our Babysitting Service.

But why?

Because there used to be some stupid
puppet show on TV called Salmon Cat.

Say, who wants to hear about the time
I was having a salmon dinner at Chasens?

- Nobody.
- Not I.

- Well!
- Hello. Are you enjoying your foods?

- Mm, great.
- Yes, thank you.

Except I didn't get my curly fries.

Oh no!

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Oh, he forgot your fries?

Like he forgot my birthday?

Can we please not do this
in front of the humans?

Uh, are you two dating?

No. No. No.

She's not my type.

I was your type at the Christmas party.

That was one time.

Hey, I think I found it!

- The Salmon Cat Puppet Show?
- Yeah. I think. Check it out.

Hey kids, it's time for the wet
and wacky world of Salmon Cat.

Today's episode is about...


Ugh, this is...


Shh, I like it.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

I got a whole bag of candy.

Oink, oink, oink.

Hi there, Salmon Cat.

Hi there, Octopiggy.

- Can I have some candy?
- No.

But I was hoping you would
share some of your candy with me.

Okay, I can't watch
any more of this trash.

And that show has absolutely nothing
to do with our Babysitting Service.

Yeah. Those puppets live underwater.

And we always babysit above water.

Do you think we really have to change
the name of our Babysitting Service?

No. I wouldn't worry
about these dumb papers.

Lawyers are full of mumbo and jumbo.

You sure?


Oh, I have to get to the airport.

- Oh, where ya going?
- Mexico!

Mexico? Why?

Well, let's just say it involves
bikinis, finger painting, and hot peppers.


What could she be doing that involves
bikinis, finger painting, and hot peppers?

Oh my God!

What'd she say?

Nothing. She stuck her tongue in my ear.

But I thought horses were
only meant for riding.

Yeah, usually, but when my
Mom gets super hungry, it's...


Hey, what's up with the Po-Po?


What's the situation?

Who are you?

Me? I'm Penelope...


- And I'm Cat Valentine.
- Oh!

Oh, hey, Deputy Hanson.

- How are ya, Dice?
- What's up?

You know this policeman?

Yeah. I got him tickets to Circus Olay.

I like acrobats.

So, what's with the yellow
tape and the big lock?

Well, I'm sorry, but some lawyer
got a Judge to seize your apartment.

- Humma?
- Yeah.

Says you girls are running a
babysitting business from this address.

Blah, blah, blah.

And you've been ordered to cease and
desist using the name Sam and Cat.

So, until the matter is settled,

you are not allowed to
enter your place of business.

- But we live in there.
- Sorry. Talk to the Judge.

Or we'll just come back and
break in after you leave.

I don't think so.

Because I'm gonna sit right there and
guard this place all day and night.

- Sam.
- Okay.

What if I just break in anyway?

Then I'll just have to use my tase...

All right, who replaced my
taser with this banana fruit?

- I don't play that.
- Wasn't me.

Give me my taser.

Give me my banana.


Hey, what time is it now?

- Uh, just after midnight.
- Mm!

What the...

Hey, look, I found a new pair
of underwear in the bushes.

Boys' or girls'?

- Boys'.
- Gross.



Ooh, ooh, ooh!

- What?
- Sylvia Burke and Janice Dobbins.

- Who are they? People?
- Yeah.

They're the two ladies who created
that stupid puppet show Salmon Cat.

And it looks like they still
live here in Los Angeles.

Thank you, Internet, for
destroying everybody's privacy.

Okay, okay, okay, this is great.

I know, what're we gonna do?

Tomorrow, you are gonna go see Janice...

And I am gonna go see Sylvia.

And we are gonna talk those bichons
into giving us our name back!


What's going on? What happened?

- Sorry.
- We were just...


Under where?

- That's right.
- Exactly.

Thank you so much for seeing me, Janice.

You're very welcome, dear.

Now, what brings you here?

Oh, it was a bus.

No. I mean, why did you
call and ask to meet with me?

Oh, right. See, my friend and
I have this business called

Sam and Cat's super rockin'
fun-time Babysitting Service.

Oh! How much fun is that?

- I know!
- Yeah!

Except a Judge locked
us out of our apartment.


Because our business name sounds too
much like your old TV show, Salmon Cat.

Do you know I collect sports balls?

Say what?

See, these walls are filled with sports
balls from every sport in the world.

That uses a ball.


And every ball is autographed
by a famous sports ball player.

Wow, can we talk about something else?

I'll bet I have a ball
for any sport you can name.

I don't wanna name a sport.

- Name a sport.
- Tennis.

Got it.

- Golf?
- Ah.

Right here.


Hockey is played with a
puck, not a sports ball.

I'm sorry.

Now, ask me about softballs.


- Do you have any softballs?
- Nine.

- One more and you'll have ten.
- Ooh!

- Cookie ball?
- All right.




So then, I put the underwear
right on top of the cop's head.

- You're a funny kid.
- Ah, I'm all right.

So, anyway, back to this
whole Salmon Cat thing.

Oh, yeah what?

That lawyer is really giving
me and my friend a hard time.

Excuse me. My neighbor's dog.

Pleasant, isn't it?

If you don't shut that barking dog up,
I'm gonna come up and rip your face off.

Would you like a soda?

No, thank you.

So I was thinking, if you could
just, like, sign a piece of paper.

All day long.

Okay. If you don't shut that dog up,
I'm gonna come up with a garden hose...

And wrap it around
your Mother's fat neck!

How about some cheese and crackers?

Now, this is a baseball.


You see, it's signed by the
famous baseball player, Ty Cobb.

Oh wow, I love his corn.

Look, about your old TV
puppet show, Salmon Cat.

I don't want to talk about Salmon
Cat. Salmon Cat is in my past.

My life now is about sports balls.

But I just need you to...

And besides, I didn't create
Salmon Cat by myself, you know.

I know. You created
it with another lady...

Ah, ah, ah. Don't.

Don't speak her name, not
in front of my sports balls.

See, right now, my roommate is talking
to your old partner, Janice Dobb...

Don't say her name.

You don't have to say it out loud.

- Why, you don't like her?
- I hate her!

You know I haven't
spoken to her in 30 years?

So, all we need you guys to
do is get together for, like,

five minutes and agree
to let us use our names.

Look, I'd like to help you
out, I really would, but...

That's my life.

If that dog barks one more
time today, I'm gonna go up...

Cracker stuck in throat!

Cracker stuck in throat.

Let me...

Very good.

You made it whimper.

So, why do you hate Sylvia so much?

Because our puppet show,
Salmon Cat, won a Pupper.

Wow. I don't know what a Pupper is.

A Pupper is an award...

For outstanding achievement in the
field of children's television puppetry.

And people care about that?

Oh, yes.

And it was a great moment.

We finally beat out those
jerks over at Sesame Street.

Well, then what happened?

Oh, I'll tell you what happened.


She decides that she wants
to take it home to her house.



And then Sylvia says, it was
my show as much as it was yours.

So I'm keeping the statue at my house.

Ugh, what a bichon.

And so then she grabs the statue, and
I grab it back, and she grabs it back,

I grab it back, she grabs it back
and breaks that statue in half.


So that's why you hate Sylvia.

I'd like to take this fist and jam
it in the soft part of her neck.

Okay, thanks, Janice.

Bye, darling.

And that's why you hate Janice?

Yeah, I'd like to take this microphone
and stick it right up her big nose hole.

- Okay, thanks for the cheese.
- You're welcome anytime.

She ate a lot of cheese.

- Hi. So...
- Hey.

Hello, ask me about our new pork puffs!


Then I'll wait here
until you're curious.

So, how do we get Sylvia
and Janice to help us?

I don't know. All they wanna do is
beat the fudge out of each other.


- Hey!
- Hi.

I want you to go get Janice and bring
her to Punchy's gym at four o'clock.


Tell her that Sylvia wants to fight her.

- Fight her?
- Mm hm.

And I'll go get Sylvia and tell
her that Janice wants to fight her.

Can't we just change our names
and move into a new apartment?

- Go get Janice and take her to Punchy's.
- Ah!

Did you sell them any pork puffs?


Good. Now you know how
it feels to be rejected.

I never loved you.

Oh, I'm pretty nervous about this.

Just trust me.

Last week I trusted you
with my Nona's credit card,

and when I wasn't looking, you
bought ten pounds of crab legs.

Come on. If someone cut off your legs,
then cooked them in boiling water,

wouldn't you want somebody to enjoy
them with a little melted butter?

Janice and Sylvia are
too old to be fighting.

They're not really gonna fight.

- But we told them they...
- That was just to get them to come here.


You watch.

As soon as they see each other, they're
gonna remember how they used to be friends.

Oh, all right.

Where is that bichon?

Let's do this thing.
Let's do this thing.

Okay. You wanna do something?

Let's do it. Come on, let's do it.

I hear your daughter got re-married.

Yeah. To a foot doctor.

A chiropodist. Nice.

Remember that infected
toe I had forever?

- Ooh. Stinky toe.
- Stinky toe. He cured it.

- No more stinky toe.
- That's so nice.

Oh, they're being friendly.

Shh. Try to shut up.



Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!


Get off me!

Get up!

Don't most fights
happen faster than this?


This one's really slow.


I think I just heard her leg break.

Nah. That was her hip.

Ha ha!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh! Oh!
- When do you think this'll be over?

I don't know. They're pretty old.

Should we do something?

I can order a pizza.

I shouldn't have trusted you.

Yeah, you made a mistake.






Okay. Take it. Take it. Take it.

Now you are free to use the name Sam
and Cat for your Babysitting Service.

- Thank you guys so much.
- About time.

Oh, and wait, we got you a little something
to thank you for being so nice to us.

- Aw.
- Sweet.

Uh, Cat went online to some
auction site and she found...

This toy from

Oh! Oh!

- Oh my...
- Salmon Cat.

I haven't seen one of them in 30 years.

I haven't held a Salmon Cat in years.

I am going to take you home and
I am going to put you up on my...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who says you get to take her home?

I do get to take her home.

You got sports balls. It doesn't match.

No. I'm gonna take her
home. Give her to me.

- Give her to me!
- Give her to me! Don't you hurt her.

- Give it to me!
- Give it to me!


Ah, jeez.

There it goes.

When we grow up, you think
we're gonna be like that?

Salmon Cat! Salmon Cat!


Smell this soccer ball.


- Mmm.
- Thank you.

Why don't we celebrate with a
little cheese squirt here of...

Cheesy Cheese?

- Sounds good.
- Okay.

- I like you, Sylvia.
- Okay.

Thanks, I wish I cared.