Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 15 - #DollSitting - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Yo robot! Over here!

Hello! Happy Halloween!

How can I help you?

I didn't like my dessert.

Oh no!

Was it bad?

Painfully bad.

So take it off my bill, would ya?

Mm!



But, you ate all of it.

And you're licking the plate.

I'm licking the pain away.

I don't understand pain.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Now I understand.

Hey!

I'm back.

Where you been? You were
in the bathroom forever.

Yeah! I decided to start
trick or treating early.

In the girls' bathroom?

Uh-huh! I knocked on the stall doors.



Okay, I'm a little scared to
ask this, but what'd ya get?

I got half a roll of toilet paper.

Some dental floss...

And car keys.

- Where are the car keys?
- Oh, on the bathroom floor.

They bounced off my face
after the lady threw 'em at me.

- Ooh, we gotta go home!
- What's the rush?

Well, I have to get you
a new Halloween costume,

and we have a babysitting
job at one-thirty.

We're babysitting a kid today?!

- Yeah!
- But it's Saturday!

And it's Halloween! Do you
know what they call that?!

Saturween!

It only happens like once
every three hundred years!

Shouldn't it happen more
like, once every seven years?

Oh, so all of a sudden you're smart?

We only have to babysit one little
girl from one-thirty to five,

and then we can have
all our Halloween fun.

- Saturween!
- Whatever ween you want!

And since today's a holiday...

I don't want to babysit.

We're getting paid double!

I like this plan.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

I hate this costume.

I can't go out in the world like this.

Why not?

Because I look like an idiot.

No. You look just like me.

Now...

You are ready for some
trickin' and some treatin'.

And when people ask me
"who are you dressed up as?"

What am I supposed to say?

You say, "hi! I'm Cat
Valentine". Try it.

Hi I'm Cat Valentine try it.

No, you're supposed to say it like me.

Okay, uh...

Hi!

I'm Cat Valentine!

Simple things confuse me.

Ding dong.

- You did my doorbell thing.
- What doorbell thing?

This is weird.

- I'll get the door.
- I'll trail after you.

Hi.

Hi... I can't do it. 'Sup?

My name is Mister Drange.

Is this...

Sam and Cat's super rocking fun-time...

Babysitting Service?

Yep.

Stand aside.

So, where is the kid
you want us to babysit?

She's out in the hallway.

Come, Clarice.

She's shy.

I'll fetch her.

Where did you find this guy?

- At a flower shop.
- Oh.

- By a graveyard.
- Ah.

This is my daughter, Clarice.

Clarice, meet Sam and Cat.

- Hey.
- Hi.

What's that, Clarice?

No. They're not twins.

But wouldn't that be precious?

Uh...

I thought you wanted us
to babysit your daughter.

Indeed, I do.

Cat, would you hold her
carefully for a moment?

Here's a list of instructions you'll
need to follow as you look after Clarice.

Uh, this is a list of
things you want us to do...

For that.

For her. Yes.

Please read it out loud.

Taking turns.

"Do not let Clarice become filthy".

"But if she does become
filthy, you must bathe her".

She enjoys the bath.

You're paying us double, right?

Certainly.

Well, according to my pocket watch,
it's time for me to take my leave.

Clarice...

Daddy loves you.

That man is so freaky!

- Daddy loves you.
- Don't!

- Daddy loves you.
- Sam! Don't.

- Come to Daddy.
- I don't wanna!

Okay Clarice, I got a big pumpkin
for you to carve, one for Sam.

And for me...

A pumpkinette!

- Cat.
- Aah!

What are you doing?

Setting up pumpkins for
us to carve with Clarice.

It's a doll. It's not real, see...?

It doesn't feel pain.

It can't sniff!

And we're not carving pumpkins with it.

Ah!

Happy Halloween, witches!

- Hi Dice.
- Hey yo.

Whoa, Sam!

You look just like Cat.

I don't care and I want a pickle.

So, for the pretty genie...

I think that's me.

We got...

- A genie bottle.
- Yay!

And to complete your whole
"genie thing" a very old book...

Of magic spells.

Yay!

Are these spells real?!

Oh yeah, sure.

Hey, you're supposed to
bring me something ya know.

Oh yeah, your candy.

Oh yeah, my candy.

What candy?

The most sour candy on Planet Earth.

- Super Puckers.
- I thought those were illegal.

They are. I know a guy.

Ugh! I can't wait to give that candy
out to kids and watch 'em go all...

Ah! Ah!

Mommy! My mouth!

It's so sour!

Ah!

Yeah, that's the Halloween spirit.

Candy! Now!

I left it at my
place... I'll go grab it!

- Wait wait wait wait...
- What?

Before you go, can I
please try a spell on you?

Will ya let the child go get my candy?

After my spell!

- Hurry.
- Kay-Kay.

"Eeeklawokka, eeka lokka rop-chok"...

Rop-chok?

"A beast for me...

"A beast you'll be!

Y'chaaaa!"

Y'chaaaa!

This book is garbage.

- Go get my candy.
- Back in a sec.

Hey, you sure you don't want
to go trick or treating with me?

No way.

I'm staying home,
passing out Super Puckers,

and doing the same thing I've done every
Halloween since I was five years old.

What?

I fill a big pumpkin with chili...

Yeah?

- Then I eat the chili...
- Uh huh?

Then I unbutton my pants and watch TV.

Oh Sam. You're so damaged.

Oh yeah, Dice is back. It's open!

I say, it's open!

Why won't he just come in?

I dunno, but it's wazzin' me off.

Ah!

Ah!

Sam! My spell!

I turned Dice into a monkey!

Yeah, and he brought my candy.

Thanks, kid.

Sam.

Wait, monkey-Dice! Don't run away.

Sam, did you see that?!?!

- I saw a monkey.
- That was Dice!

Shut up.

Sam, I'm serious! Look!

This spell I did...

Was to turn a human person into a beast!

And a monkey is a beast!

Is there a spell in there that'll
turn my mom into a woman with a job?

This is serious!

You have to help me get monkey-Dice back
so I can turn him back into a real boy!

Will you chill your chaz?

There's no such thing
as real magic, all right?

You didn't turn Dice into a
monkey. And oh, by the way...

Little girly dolls cannot just
carve pumpkins into jack-o-lan...

- Oh b...
- Ah!

Still don't believe in real magic?!

No...

But just in case...

I'm taking the knife away from the doll.

Who carved that pumpkin?

Tell me!

Ah, I'm talking to a doll.

I look like Cat and now
I'm acting like a ding-bat.

I guess that makes sense.

Sam! Sam, what are we gonna do?!

- About what?
- Dice! He's in our room.

- And he's still a monkey!
- Cat...

I tried three different change-back
spells and none of them worked.

He's back there, just
sitting on your bed.

That monkey isn't Dice!
How many times do I...

Mm! He's on my bed?

Yeah.

And he might have done
something bad on it.

That monkey pooped in my bed?!

Let's just call it "monkey business".

Ah! Dang it!

This is not how Halloween should be!

Where's my phone?!

I wonder who Sam is calling.

I'm calling Dice so you
can talk to him and he can

explain to you that he's
still a kid, not a monkey.

That sounds like Dice's phone.

Oh my gosh.

Put the doll on the
counter and come with me.

- We'll be right back.
- It's a doll, don't talk to it!

All right.

Why is that monkey
holding Dice's Pear Phone?

That monkey is Dice, I tell ya!

It's not Dice!

Is so! I turned him into a beast!

- Wait, no!
- Why's he looking like that?

Wait! Dice, don't leave!

I have to turn you
back into a young boy!

Oh, get back here and clean
up your monkey business!

- What was that?
- Come on!

Oh! Monkey-Dice ran away!

I don't care. I wanna know who screamed.

Ah, it was just the TV.

Oh.

Wait...

Who turned on the TV?

Oh my!

- You see this?
- No, my eyes are closed.

- Look.
- I don't wanna!

- Mm!
- Ah!

- Ah!
- Ah!

Okay! Okay! I wanna know how that doll
got from that counter to this couch!

And turned on the TV!

And made microwave popcorn!

Even I don't know how to
make microwave popcorn!

I know!

- Ah!
- Ding dong!

Good. Her "father's" here.

Hurry.

I've returned for Clarice.

Here ya go.

Ah, there's my precious.

I hope she wasn't naughty.

No, she was great, well,
you guys can leave anytime

you want like right now
happy Halloween see you bye.

Wait.

He still has to pay us... double.

Certainly. Unless...

Unless what?

Would you girls like to earn
some more money, and enjoy some...

Music?

What... "music"?

I have three tickets in my hand.

To a concert.

- Del Deville?!?!
- I love Del Deville!

Section eight?! These
tickets are amazing!

Aren't they just to die for?

Yeah! What?!

You girls may have those tickets...

If you take Clarice with you.

Sidebar?

I'll allow it.

- What do you wanna do?!
- I wanna see Del Deville!

- Me, too!
- I don't wanna take that creepy doll!

He's not gonna know if
we take the doll or not!

- We can't fib!
- Yeah, we can. It's Halloween!

Ooh yeah, I forgot!

Okay, we're in.

- One thing.
- Blah.

You must take a photograph
of Clarice at the concert...

Enjoying herself.

Sidebar?

- I still wanna go!
- Me, too!

- We'll do it!
- Splendid.

I'm sure that Clarice
will have a wonderful...

Dice is back.

Excuse me, but that
isn't really a monkey so I

have to go change him
back into a young boy.

Dice!

Stop being a monkey!

She's rather strange.

Isn't she?

Woo!

♪Baby, I'm bad enough.

♪Bad enough for you.

♪Oooo...

♪Ooh...

All right!

Hey. Nice doll.

You girls always bring
your dolly to concerts?!

Give some love to
Jackson Bell on guitar!

- Ow! My face!
- Go! Go!

Blah!

Happy hallo-weiner!

That was clever.

This next song is our latest single.

You know it, sing along. Go!

Oh, we love this song.

♪Somehow you're still in my ear.

♪Those eyes I hear them so clear.

♪Your eyes are telling me that...

Woo!

- Clarice.
- Oh, yeah.

Hey! Hey, stop the music!

Stop the music, hold up, hold up...

- What's happening?
- I dunno.

Lighting! Lighting, gimme a spotlight
on section eight, over there.

Gimme a spot.

See that? Right there.

It's that creepy doll!

Clarice.

Ah jeez.

- Hey man, calm down.
- No no, I'm not gonna calm down!

Every time I do a concert, that dang
doll shows up and it's freaking me out!

Uh...

Hey, you with the red hair.
Why'd you bring that doll?

Sam!

Security! Security!

Get those girls and that
doll outta my concert!

Get 'em out!

Yeah? Yeah!?

- Really?
- Really?

- Ow, you're hurting my elbow!
- Oh, come on!

I'm sorry, Los Angeles!

Oh!

Worst concert ever.

That Security man squeezed my elbow.

- Hey! Yo Dice.
- Oh, hey, guys.

Ah!

What kind of cruel grownup
gives a kid raisins on Halloween?

You're... you're a real boy!

Humma?

One of my change-back
spells must've worked!

You're a boy again!

- What's she yammin' about?
- Ah, Cat thought that...

- Was that our toilet?
- Who's here?

Oh!

Uh!

See?! I told ya the monkey wasn't Dice,
and that there's no such thing as magic.

Uh-huh.

Wh... where did that monkey come from?

- That's Futz.
- Who's Futz?!

My Aunt Ferjeen's helper monkey.

What does the monkey help her do?

- Eat, get dressed, wash.
- I've heard enough.

But, why'd you send your
Aunt's helper monkey here?

To bring Sam her candy.

But... but why does he
have your cell phone?

What?! That's my cell phone...

I thought I lost it!

Futz, you gimme my phone right now!

Aw!

He deleted all my contacts!

Futz!

Let's go.

You are gonna help me re-input
every one of my contacts.

I thought I did magic.

Sorry, kid.

Ain't no magic in this life.

Hello, it's me, Mr. Drange.

I just saw a monkey
riding on a boy's back.

It reminded me of my childhood.

I'm guessing there's no Mrs. Drange.

Ah, there's my Clarice.

Did you enjoy the concert, my sweet?

Alright, knock it off!

- Easy.
- That is a doll!

She can't hear you and
she can't talk back!

So quit pretending she's your daughter
because you're freaking everybody out!

Well.

I can see we're not welcome here.

And my pocket watch tells
me it's past our bedtime.

Come along, Clarice.

- Yes, Daddy.
- Aah!

Thanks, I had fun!

Happy Halloween.

Who uses a pocket watch?

♪You know what I mean.
Everything's gonna be just fine.

♪Bla bla na dream bla...

♪Bla bla na dream bla...

- ♪You and me we're gonna be...
- ♪Just fine.

- ♪No...
- ♪Be just fine.

♪Just fine.

- ♪ You and me we're gonna be...
- ♪Just fine.

♪With my shoe.

Yes! Oh! Whoa!