Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 14 - #OscarTheOuch - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Hm, let's see...

- Three crack.
- Oh! Two bam.

_.

What's your problem?

_.

_.

Nona! Look, Sam and I came to see you.

I can't wait to leave.

Oh, it's my granddaughter, Cat.

Over here baby.



Hi. Look, we brought you presents.

For your butt.

For my what?

Your bottom.

I don't know what she's talking about.

Sure you do.

The other day you told Sam and me
how the stools here at Elderly Acres

are really hard, so when you sit
on them they make your butt sore.

I never said that.

_.

_.

So...

We made you these cushions.

We call 'em "stool softeners".



Okay. Bye, girls.

No. Wait, wait, who wants
to try a stool softener?

I'll take one.

Oh, my pills.

Oh.

This could take a while.

Oh.

Now, Cat, when I told you
about my sore bottom...

I didn't mean I wanted
you to come in here

and tell everyone at
Elderly Acres about it.

Runaway scooter!

Daddy!

No!

Oh!

- Daddy!
- Carl!

Oh, thank you so much for
pushing my father out of the way.

Sure, it was fun.

Are you all right?

I think so, thanks to this
little girl who saved me.

- Ah, it was nothing. Is there a reward?
- Sam!

I saved him.

Well, yeah, but we're a team.

What do you mean?

Well, my granddaughter Cat and
her abrasive friend Sam here

are professional babysitters.

So there is a reward?

No!

You know, you should think about
having them babysit your little Oscar.

Her Oscar?

Oscar's my little boy. And I don't think
I could ever leave him with a babysitter.

- Why not?
- He's very clumsy.

He's just always getting hurt.

He's an embarrassment
to the whole family.

Oh, he's accident prune?

You mean accident prone.

Naw, I'm pretty sure it's prune.

I like prunes.

I'll wander off.

I think you can trust Sam
and Cat to babysit Oscar.

You saw how Cat protected your father.

- Yeah.
- Uh...

Are you sure you girls
would take good care of him?

- Promise.
- Probably.

Here, for saving my life,
please take this hundred dollars.

Oh, I can't take that.

Yeah.

She can't take that.

* I'm never that far.

* No matter where you are.

* Believe it, we
can make it come true.

* We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

* Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

* Ooh, ooh, yeah!

* But I, I, I, I...

* I'll never say, never.

* As long as we keep it together.

* Oh!

* If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

* Then you can't let
them change your mind.

* It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

* But it's all gonna be just fine.

* Just fine.

* Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

* You and me we're gonna be just fine.

* Oh.

Um...

Sam, Sam, wake up.

Sam, wake up.

What'd I do now? You
can't prove anything.

- Sam.
- What?

Look at Oscar.

You interrupted my nap to make
me look at a kid slurpin' noodles?

- Come on.
- Ugh!

- Oscar?
- Yes, Ma'am?

Um...

Don't you want us to
take you out for lunch?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- But...

His Mom said we can't take him
anywhere or do anything with him.

Since when do you do what anyone says?

Since it means I'm getting paid
ten bucks an hour for napping.

But babysitting is
supposed to make kids happy.

Right, Oscar? Don't you wanna be happy?

I dunno, what's it like?

- Did you hear that?
- Do you hear this?

Well, don't you at least want a fork?

Oh, no.

The last time I used a
fork I punctured my throat.

Well, don't you want us to make you a
fun sandwich or a hot dog or something?

Ugh, listen, his Mom was super
clear on what we could feed him.

- I know but...
- Ut!

She said he can only have one portion...

From this sack of cold...

Wet noodles.

Well, can't we at least snazz up that
spaghetti with some sauce and a meatball?

Sauce can splatter and get in my eye.

Oh.

And when I was nine I
choked on a meatball.

Poor Oscar.

My friend Felix had
to squeeze it outta me.

I won't tell you where it came out.

Well, how about pizza?

Pizza has sharp corners.

So, all you can have are
those cold wet noodles?

Oh, no. I can also have warm
water from this rubber cup.

Sam, it's not funny, it's sad!

Yeah, hilariously sad.

May I please stand up and
go visit your bathroom?

Sam.

Sure you can.

Thank you so much.

I love that kid.

We are taking that boy out to lunch,
to Bots, so he can have a fun time.

Oh, come on, why blow a good thing?

- We're getting paid to do nothing.
- But it's wrong.

Okay. So then if we take him to
Bots and he gets hurt, then what?

It's a restaurant. How could
somebody get hurt in a...

Ah, help me!

Predicament! Predicament!

Ah!

Oscar!

What happened?

I slipped on some lotion
and fell in the toilet.

Sam.

How can you breathe in there?

I found an air pocket.

Here, I know how to get him out.

Don't flush that toilet.

Hey, Goomer, come on,
we got training to do.

Hey, dude, you know, you can punch
better if you keep your elbows in more.

Like this.

See? Give it a shot.

There you go, see? Snap
it, left-right, come on.

Nice, elbows in.

- Oh hey, there ya are.
- How could you?

- What?
- You're training another man.

- Goomer.
- I can't believe it.

What happened to us?

Dude, I was just showing
him a couple moves.

You're the only fighter I manage.

Don't touch me.

Ah, jeez.

I leave for two minutes
to get a pudding cup!

And I come back to catch
you with another fighter.

Just eat your pudding.

No. I might choke on
my own disappointment.

- Hey, Dice.
- Hi.

- Hey, guys, what's up?
- Well...

Be careful, Sam and Cat.

Next time you come in here,

Dice'll probably be talking
to two other teenage girls.

We're trying to work through some stuff.

We're trying to work through stuff.

My goodness, is this a real gymnasium?

- Yeah.
- Normal people call it a gym.

Do they?

- Who's that?
- Some kid we're babysitting.

I'm a boy.

Congrats, man.

Hey, Dice, can we borrow some
of the protective padding?

You know, that fighters wear
to keep them from getting hurt.

Sure, no prob.

Too bad there's no protective
padding for a broken heart.

Oh my gosh.

Is this a real gum ball machine?

Yeah, why?

I've heard about gum
like this in ball form.

Oscar, you can have a
gum ball if you want.

Yay!

Now what do I do?

- Just turn the knob thing.
- Of course.

- Cat, go get it for him.
- Kay-Kay.

No, no, no, no, no. I'll get it.

- You see it?
- No, not yet.

Oh, Sir, there's a
boy under there, be...

Ah! Predicament!

Predicament! Ah!

Ah!

Did you find your gum ball?

How's your back?

Eh, it's a little sore.

Well, at least you found your gumball.

- No, I didn't.
- Oh. Well, then...

Have some salt.

You know, you look so cute
in your protective padding.

Yeah. You sure don't look stupid.

Thanks. I feel so safe and snazzy in it.

Yay.

But, you know, you don't need to
wear that stuff in a restaurant.

No?

No, there's nothing dangerous in here.

Hello. Welcome to Bots.

Thanks. We're spear fishermen.

I see.

We wanna eat lunch.

It okay if we bring
our spear guns in here?

Hmm. Are they loaded?

- Oh yeah.
- They are loaded.

Well, sure.

Have a seat at that table right near the
boy wearing the red protective padding.

Great, thanks.

- Appreciate it.
- Sure.

All right.

- Nachos!
- Woo!

You like nachos?

I don't know. They look risky.

- They're fine.
- Nah.

Are you sure? I yearn to be safe.

You're not gonna get
harmed in a restaurant.

Aw, man, my tarantula got out.

Anybody seen my tarantula?

Big spider?

About the size of my hand?

Super poisonous?

Hey, how come our nachos don't
have as much cheese as their nachos?

Yeah.

Hey, we have a problem over here.

Hi. Are you done with your foods?

No.

We don't have enough
cheese on our nachos.

Oh no!

More nacho cheese for table nine.

Understood.

Ah man, I gotta buy me a new spear gun.

- Why? What's wrong with that one?
- The trigger. It's loose.

Yeah, the thing goes off all the
time, even when I don't want it to.

Yikes. Try not to bump it.

I'll try.

Hello. I've been notified you
want more cheese on your nachos.

- Yep.
- Right there.

Please keep your hands away from the
plate. This cheese is extremely hot.

- All right.
- Okay.

Cheese.

Ah! Ah! Ah, it's hot!

Ah! Hot cheese! Predicament!

- Oh no!
- Ah! Hot cheese predicament!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ugh!

How's your face feel?

Not so good.

That cheese was so hot.

Oscar, we're so sorry.

- I'm not.
- Sam!

Hey, I'm the one who
said we never should've

taken him out of here
in the first place.

Well, yeah, but...

I'm gonna have to agree
with Sam on that one.

See? The kid knows.

I just wanted him to have some fun.

That's sweet, but I'm not meant for fun.

Aw.

I'm better off sitting on
the floor reading a book.

Surrounded by soft pillows.

No. That's so sad.

These noodles are gross.

Come on, we still have two
hours until your Mom gets back.

Can't you think of one
fun thing you wanna try?

- Like what?
- I dunno, uh...

Ride a bike, or deep fry a turkey...

Pet a unicorn.

Any of those activities would
result in severe injury to my person.

You can deep fry a turkey?

Oh! What about sports?
Is there a sport you like?

Is spelling a sport?

- No.
- Ha!

Ooh, I do like to watch
golf on the television.

Golf. Okay.

Golf is fun, I guess. Sam?

It's almost dark. We are not
taking the kid to play golf.

Can't we just go to one of those
places where you hit the golf balls?

- Dude...
- What could go wrong?

What could go wrong?

Remember when he tried to take a wazz
and landed upside-down in our toilet?

That happens to me all the time.

Come on. We'll just call Dice and
Goomer and we'll all go together,

we'll be sure to protect Oscar,
and we'll have a fun time.

- Ow!
- What now?

My pants are pinching me.

And step...

And step...

And step.

- And yay!
- Yay!

Wow. Look at all the clubs and balls.

Yeah. What's going on?

Golf.

I know, but where are the horses?

Horses?

You must be thinking of tennis.

There's no horses in golf.

Yeah.

They got rid of 'em?

- Huh?
- You must be thinking of tennis.

All right.

Was that thunder?

- Yeah. Probably gonna rain.
- Well, let's get to it.

- We're at tee box number six.
- Yeah. And let's hurry.

Yeah. So nothing bad happens to Oscar.

Let's go, let's go. Go, go, go.
Scooch over, scooch over, people.

We don't have time for this,
we're keeping a boy safe.

Yay!

Yay.

- So, you guys made up?
- Yeah.

I'm not mad at Dice anymore on
account of he bought me a new watch.

Aw, sweet.

Ah, it was nine bucks.

Look. It's got a purple
squirrel on it. See?

His arms and legs tell you the time.

Her arms and legs.

Am I really gonna whack some golf balls?

Well, there's really
nothing else you can whack.

Wow.

But you're gonna wear this helmet,
and we're all gonna stand around you.

- To keep you from getting hurt.
- Thank you.

Yeah. That's definitely a lady squirrel.

Goomer.

Hey, my mouth feels dry.

Is it all right if I go get some water?

I brought my rubber cup.

- Sure.
- I don't care.

There's a water fountain
over there by the club hut.

Kay-Kay.

Ah! Predicament!

Ah! Predicament!

Ah! Predicament!

Poor kid.

Never got his cup of water.

This is shocking.

What kind of babysitters are you?

Usually we do a pretty decent job.

Your kid's got some real problems.

You think I don't know that?

It's why I gave you specific
rules, which you just ignored.

We didn't just ignore your rules.

We thought about 'em,
then we ignored 'em.

Yeah.

Clearly. And thanks
to you "babysitters".

My son fell in a toilet!

Had a large man almost crush him,

and got repeatedly whacked
in the face with golf clubs.

- Don't forget the hot cheese.
- Got him right in the face.

It's true.

But, hey, at least the driving range
guy gave him this free golf club.

And all I had to do was sign a
piece of paper promising not to sue.

Oscar, go wait outside.

- But I think it's starting to rain out...
- Just...

Yes, Ma'am.

Well? Say something.

I ate your gross bag of noodles.

You shouldn't have said that.

Too late now.

Come on, Oscar, I'm taking you away
from these irresponsible girls right now.

- No!
- What?

First, you apologize to Sam and Cat.

Apologize? For what?

For shouting at them after they
gave me the best day of my life.

Yeah, I got hurt.

Real bad!

But for the first time
in my life, I had fun.

I went to the bathroom alone.

I saw gum in ball form.

I felt hot cheese...

And I went to a place of golf.

We had fun with you, too, Oscar.

Mm, kinda.

Oh, Oscar, what is your point?

That living life, trying new things...

It's worth getting a
little hurt sometimes.

Yeah.

Haven't you heard the 47 songs that say
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

That's so true.

I mean, look at me. I'm okay.

I'm still standing here
with my very own golf club.

Ah!

Predicament!

Predicament!

Predicament!

*Rap so hot yeah, I spit that fire.

*Live so good even
my driver got a driver.

*Wrist so ice got
bling that'll blind you.

*And a pink Caddie coupe
call it sweet and low rider.

- *Yeah!
- Woo!

*I'm living that good
life, baby can't ya see?

*Big bossin' on the corner
they got all eyes on me.

*And I'm back for the thrill of it.

*Folks they say I'm killing it, fact I'm
just a little bit short of many millions.

*Rap is what I'm stickin' with
that's how I be getting rich.

*So I bust a little bit
about how I be living it.

*I'm living that good
life, baby can't ya see?

*Big bossin' on the corner
they got all eyes on me.