Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 13 - #SecretSafe - full transcript

Sam opens a safe in her bedroom and discovers a tunnel that leads to a secret room. Cat films herself for 24 hours so that her future self can watch it 10-years from now.

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Subs created by: David Coleman.




Oh my God!

Oh, you...


Whatcha doing in my closet?

Something smells...


What makes ya think the
smell's coming from my closet?

Well, I'm thinking...

It could be coming from this old sack...

From El Taco Guapo.

Oh yeah, I think I bought
that about two months ago.

Anything inside?


What, it's just a rotting taco.


- Here, I'll split it with ya.
- No!

- I will, I will!
- No, throw it away! Throw it away!

- Alright.
- Throw it away!

Hey, question...


Why is there a safe in my closet?

It was there when my Nona moved in.

- Well, what's the combination?
- She never knew.

Dang it!


Hello, future me!

It's me, past you!

Just a minute ago, I found a
rotting taco that made me gag!

Now what are you doing?

I'm making a project for school.

It's a video called;
"Hey, future me! 'Sup?"

You're making a video
called; "Hey, future me"?

Don't forget the 'sup.

Wanna know what the video's about?


Well, it's for me to watch ten
years from now, when I'm all old...

So I'll remember what life
was like, as a teenager.

Uh, can I help you?


This rotting taco that
ya threw out the window...

Yeah, what about it?

Is it rotting chicken, or rotting beef?


Where do you live?

I have a little condo up the street.

I'm just gonna close this.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

So, future me...

Here in the past, which
we call the present...

That machine is called a motorcycle.

But who knows what they'll
be called ten years from now?



It's open!

- Okay! Are you ready for this?!
- I don't know.

My mother and my crazy Aunt Ferjeen are
going to Palm Springs for Puzzle Con!

Ooh, I love puzzles!

- Well, I don't!
- Why not?

Because I'm normal!

And I don't wanna share a
hotel room with my Aunt Ferjeen!

She gets night gas!

So don't go.

They're making me go!

My mom thinks I'm too
young to stay home alone.

I'm twelve and a half!

Well, to her, you're still
a little boy, ya know...

Until you go through puppetry.

You mean puberty?

Ewe, gross, don't talk about it.

Okay I've tried like forty different
combinations to that stupid safe

and I still can't fig...
ooh, Dice, you're here, good.

I need you to get me something.

- Whatcha need?
- Dynamite.

Dynamite. No problem.
How many sticks ya need?

You're not using dynamite
to blow up that safe.

What safe?

Ah, there's one in my closet and
nobody knows the stinking combination.

Well, I'd help you, but I can't
because I gotta go to stupid Puzzle Con.

Ugh, I hate puzzles.

We truly are polar opposites.

Can you guys believe my mom won't let
me stay home one weekend by myself?

Who cares? Just stay here with us.

Yeah, we are professional babysitters.

I don't need a babysitter! I'm twelve!

Point five!

Uh oh... you better relax
before your hair poofs up.

What do you mean?

Whenever you're excited
or upset, your hair poofs.

Does it?!

Anyway, don't look at it
like we're babysitting ya.

You'll just be, like, crashing here
with your two cool teenage buds.

- Cat and Sam.
- I don't like it when you say it that way.

- Sam and Cat.
- Better.

- I guess I could hang here with you guys.
- Yeah, it'll be fun! We'll watch movies.

And we can invite Goomer over,
make him bring us a Tubba Chicken...

Chicken party! Aw yeah.

Okay, cool, great.

Uh-oh. Dice is excited.

He sure is.

What do you...

Is my hair poofing?!

I gotta go.

- You poofed!
- Poofer!

Coming in with stuff.


Look, my friend Dice just walked in.

He's twelve.

I wonder how old he'll
be ten years from now.

Only the future knows.

Oh, hey Dice...

I really need you to
help me get something.

No dynamite!

Did I say dynamite?

- Whatcha need?
- Uh...

These things called...

Boom-boom sticks?

That is secret code for dynamite!


So where's your mom
and your Aunt Furball?

Ferjeen. They're on
their way to Palm Springs.

Cool. I told Goomer to come
over later with a Tubba Chicken.

Yeah, and I picked out three
great movies we can watch.

Sounds fun. I'll be
back around midnight.

- Whoa. Ho hold up. Stop in your tracks.
- Hold on, little boy. Wait a minute.

What? I got plans tonight.

What plans?

Uh, I know these frat guys.

They're having a poker
game and they invited me.

Well, first of all, it doesn't
matter that they're overweight.

He said frat guys.

What does that mean?

They're in college.


And I can make a ton of money
playing poker with these guys.


I'll see you ladies...
on da flippidy side.

- Shut the door.
- I don't wanna shut the d...

How'd you get your shoe off that fast?!

They don't call her "fast
shoe-off Sam" for nothing.

No one calls me that.

You guys said this
weekend was gonna be like

me crashing with my
two cool teenage buds.

It is.

Well, you're acting like babysitters.

We promised your mom
you'd stay here tonight.

She's on the road, man! She
don't know what's going on!


We're cool, but we can't just
let ya run off, into the night.

Especially not to hang out with
college boys and play fat poker.

Nobody's fat!


Then why do they make huge pants?

Think about that.

Alright, future me...

So I should probably tell you
about all the current events

that are going on during
this time, right now.

Uh, let's see...

Electric cars...

Still kind of a joke.

What else, uh.

That's all I got.

Hey! Will you quit playing
that depressing music?!

- Sure. Can I go play poker?
- No.

You'll poke nothing.




I'm in! Seven four seven three
nine! That's the combination!

Dice, she got the safe open!

Ya see anything inside?!



It's like a tunnel...

Looks like it goes back a few feet.

Wait Sam, I wanna come!


Oi! Ah!

Hurry up, this is pretty cool.

Kay! Help me down.


Oh! Ow!

I can't see, it's dark.

What's going on?

We found a small room!

A room? What's in it?

Um, some food, some water, a rope.

Wow! We could open a
food, water and rope shop!

Yes. The perfect store for
hungry, thirsty rope-lovers.

So, you guys got food
and water in there?

- Yeah! Why?
- See ya!

Did he just...

- That little hair puff locked us in!
- Why would he do that?!

So he could go to his stupid poker game!

Now we're gonna be stuck here for hours.


Don't say you have to pee.

I won't say it.

Well, what am I a'posed to do?!

Ah geez.

Hello! Dice! You still there?

If you let us out now, I promise
I won't break both of your legs!

Hey, Sam, try to open the door to
the safe so we can get outta here!

Wow, why didn't I think of that?

Got any more great ideas?

- Yeah, I have one.
- Oh God.

You like Sloppy Joes?

Everyone likes Sloppy Joes.


But, what if, instead of
buns, we made 'em with waffles?

We could call 'em Sloppy Waffles.

When did you think of that?

A few months ago.

Why did you wait to tell me?


We've got to get outta this "room" because
we have two majorly important things to do.

- What?
- Murder Dice.


Eat Sloppy Waffles.

That's my thing!

Did ya have to leave your pee-can
in the middle of the floor?

I thought you might need to use it.

For what?

To make pee-can pie?

We're gonna die in here.

The one time...

The one time I don't have my phone in my
pocket, and we get trapped in a tiny room.

You know what they say...

"No phone. Tiny room".

Who says that?

- We read it on that sign.
- What sign?

At that restaurant in the
girls' bathroom, remember?

That sign said "employees
must wash hands".

I don't think those
employees washed their hands.




Oh, I can't jump rope anymore.

I can't eat anymore
of this Fruit Cocktail.


Next time I eat four
pounds of old fruit...

Do not let me jump rope.

Do you wanna puke in my pee-can?


Ugh, I'm so bored.

Ooh, why don't we
play "question-answer"?

- What's that?
- A game I learned at camp.

I ask you a question.
And then, you answer.

And then you ask me a
question, and I answer.

And we just keep going.

That's called a conversation.



Anybody home?


- Goomer!
- Goomer?!

Yeah, it's Goomer, remember?! We told him
to come over and bring a Tubba Chicken!

Goomer! Goomer Goomer Goomer!

- Goomer Goomer Goomer!
- Goomer, come on. We're in the safe.


Goomer, please!

Is someone calling my name?

I got a Tubba Chicken!

- Goomer!
- Goomer! Come on.

- Come toward the safe Goomer!
- Come to the safe. Goomer.

- We need you to help us!
- Come on please!

Please! Come on!


I hear ghosts!

Goomer! Can you hear me?!

Sam?! That you?!


When did you become a ghost?!

Who killed you?!

Goomer it's me, Cat!

Oh my God, Cat killed Sam!

I always thought it'd
be the other way around.

Goomer, we're not ghosts!

Come to the safe!

- The safe?
- Yeah. It's in the closet.

Walk toward the safe!


I've arrived at the safe.

- Good!
- We're inside!

Oh, well, can I come in there
so's we can eat this chicken?

- No!
- Just open the safe!

Punch in the combination.

What's the combination?

- Nine oh two nine one!
- That's our zip code.

- Five seven three two...
- That's your phone number.

I give up.

Goomer! Punch in seven
four seven three nine.

Seven, four...

Seven, three, nine.


In what order?

Seven, four, seven, three, nine!

Oh, alphabetical.


- Yay, we're free!
- Wait!

Did you get chicken
nuggets, strips, or pucks?

- Pucks.
- Yeah! Toss me a puck!


Oh, my nose!


Did you get dipping sauce?

How's your nose?

Uh! Oh! Ooh.


- Is it that bad?
- No, you barely notice it.

It's throbbing.

It's a good thing we
had this vintage ice bag.

How'd you guys get trapped
in that little room?

Dice locked us in there.

So he could go somewhere to
play in a dirty poker game.

Man, when that little fuzzy punk gets
home I'm gonna squeeze him 'til he pops.

Well, you guys wanna come
with me to pick him up?

You know where Dice is?!

Yeah, he texted me the address and
asked me to pick him up at midnight.

- Well, let's go.
- We gotta go, we gotta go!

Where are we going?

- To get Dice!
- Now!


Goomer, get the chicken pucks!

Oh! Ha ha...

Boop boop boop doop!

This is a poker game?

It looks like a little
girl's birthday party.

Please let there be cake.

Well, where's Dice?

Are you sure this is the right address?


I'm not sure of nothing.




He's coming back out for one more...


So let's hear a booming round of sound for
seventy-two pounds of electric Boogie...

The Dice Man!

He is so cute.

Dice Man!

No, no, no. Girls, girls, you're
not allowed on stage! Don't!

Pull him off the stage.

Respect me!

Get him!


Dice Man.


Get inside.

Start talking.

- Well, I...
- Shut up.

You locked us in that tiny
room. Why would you do that?!

- Well, I...
- Shut up.

Ya know that because of you, I
had to eat old fruit out of a can?!

I had to pee in a can!

Two different cans.

Why did you sneak out?

All right.

You guys know my crazy Aunt Ferjeen?

Night gas?


What about her?

Well, she dropped my
mom's laptop in the toilet.

And my mom's birthday is coming up so,
you know, I wanted to buy her a new one.

But I don't have enough money.

And sometimes, when I need money...

I dance.

I dance for money.

Wearing red tights.

Why did you say you were
going to a poker game?

Because, dancing for
little kids' parties...

It's kind of embarrassing.

Aw no, Dice...

It's insanely embarrassing.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I just wanted to get
my mom a new computer.

Well, we'll lend ya the money.



You don't have to put on the red tights.

Those days are over.

So you're not mad at me anymore?

Oh yeah, we are.

We're out-ragged.

- You mean outraged?
- Shut up!

So what are you gonna do to me?


How long do I gotta stay in here?

Until we let you out!

They're ready!

Here I come.

♪Sloppy, Sloppy Waffles.

♪Sloppy Waffles. Sloppy
Waffles. Sloppy Waffles.

♪Sloppy Sloppy
Waffles. Sloppy Waffles.

♪Sloppy sloppy sloppy.
Sloppy Sloppy Waffles.

Hey, remember my video
project for school?

Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

♪Sloppy Sloppy Waffles.

♪Sloppy Waffles. Sloppy
Waffles. Sloppy Waffles.

Oh! What's in this can?