Sam & Cat (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 12 - #MotorcycleMystery - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Yeah...

Aw yeah, oh, look at this motorcycle.

I got all the pink paint off.

That's great, but come on, the
baby's fussy we've got to feed him!

Here... he can finish my onion.

No! I've got a full bottle here
I just can't find the nipple!

Where's the nipple?!?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

No, I'm not doing a knock-knock joke!



"No, I'm not doing a
knock-knock joke" who?

Just find the nipple!

- Hi, Mrs. Hartley.
- Hi, Cat, I'm here to pick up Quincy.

He's right over here.

Aw. How's my little baby boy?

Why is he wearing a garbage bag?

Oh, see, diapers are really soft so I used
a bunch of 'em to polish my motorcycle.

And you put my son in a garbage bag?

Yes.

Don't worry. The box says each
bag holds at least ten gallons,

so you probably won't have to
change him for a couple days.

- What?
- Bye.

Oh, this baby bottle is yours.

- Thanks. Where's the nipple?
- I know, right?



Wait, it had a nipple when I dropped...

You've got to start taking
our babysitting more seriously.

I do.

Hey... found the nipple.

Whatever...

Oh, I gotta start studying.

Gross.

Hey hey, what's down?

Ya hear that?

Most people say what's up?

But Dice said what's down?

Because he's special.

I think you're kinda special, too.

I hear that a lot.

Hey, we gotta jam. I'm just
gonna go wazz and grab a jacket.

Wazz on!

So you psyched about the fights?

I can't go.

You're not coming with us?!

No, I want to, but I've got a
huge test at school on Monday

so I've gotta study all day and night.

Hey, did you bring that
stuff from your mom?

- Oh yeah, I got it right here.
- Oh.

Look...

I hurt my finger.

How?

I was eating a hotdog
and I got confused.

- All right. Here ya go.
- Yay.

What's that?

Oh, it's called Pon-Thwang, my mom
gets it from an Asian health food store.

What does Pon-Thwang do?

It...

"Helps the brain focus and concentrate,
also improves alertness and memory".

Yeah, so just follow the directions
on the bottle and it'll help you study.

- Thanks.
- All right, let's hit it, Gooms!

- Yeah.
- Bye.

- See ya.
- Here we go.

- Bye, Cat. See ya.
- Bye.

Hmm.

To open; Push down and twist.

♪ I'm never that far.

♪ No matter where you are.

♪ Believe it, we
can make it come true.

♪ We'll do it our way,
no matter what they say.

♪ Because no one's
gonna do it for you.

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah!

♪ But I, I, I, I...

♪ I'll never say, never.

♪ As long as we keep it together.

♪ Oh!

♪ If you're living a dream,
and you know what it means.

♪ Then you can't let
them change your mind.

♪ It's the life that we choose,
and we still break the rules.

♪ But it's all gonna be just fine.

♪ Just fine.

♪ Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.

♪ You and me we're gonna be just fine.

♪ Oh.

Look at that, baby. Look at it!

That's a nice tooth.

Man, I've been going to
MMA fights for five years

and I've never caught a fighter's tooth.

Aw.

Well, maybe Sam will give
you the one she caught.

- Oh, would ya?
- No.

But uh, here you can have this.

- What is this?
- Gum I found on the ground.

Ewe, I don't want this!

Shotgun! Boom! Mm.

Hey.

What the nuts?!

I thought Cat was
supposed to be studying.

Yeah. And she's supposed
to have red hair...

And she's not supposed
to be handcuffed to that.

Oooka-deesh! V'lay
itz-pa f'leek d'koo!

What did he say?

I think he said; "Oooka-deesh.
V'lay itz-pa f'leek d'koo".

That doesn't help us.

No, it does not.

Cat! Cat, yo, wake up! Cat!

Whoa whoa, easy, be gentle...

Hey, where'd your motorcycle go?

Oh, it's, it's right over...

Cat!

Wake up!

Where's my motorcycle?!

Where is my motorcycle?!

Sam.

Ah...

Oh...

Hum...

I must've fallen asleep.

So? How were the fights?

They were so fun! We got there early
so I bought a popcorn, and Dice...

Not now!

Oh.

Hey, what's going on?

Well, first, your hair is blue.

Blue?!

And you're handcuffed to a
small, angry, foreign man.

Hey! Don't you cuss
in front of Miss Cat.

Shpish.

Where is my motorcycle?

I don't know.

I was just studying and I...

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why is
the Pon-Thwang bottle empty?

- I drank it.
- All of it?

Yeah.

And you said it was supposed
to keep me focused and alert.

Yeah, but you're just supposed to add a
teaspoon of this stuff to a glass of water.

Oh, I didn't see that in the directions.

- Did you read the directions?
- No.

- Oh! Okay.
- Man!

Okay, okay. The label says...

"Do not take more than
one teaspoon per day".

"Or you may experience
extreme loss of memory"...

"Followed by unconsciousness,
and loose stools".

Well, this stool isn't loose at all.

That's a firm stool.

Ferm shtool!

How could you not know what
happened to my motorcycle?

I don't know.

I don't know where your motorcycle is or
why my hair is blue or who this person is!

Oh, look I'm being texted.

- Hey, it's a pic from Nona.
- Nona.

Hush!

- Huh!
- What's wrong?

- What is it?
- I wanna see.

Whoa, you both have blue hair!

This was taken at Elderly Acres today.

I don't remember being
at Elderly Acres today.

- I bet Nona knows why you have blue hair.
- Oh and where my motorcycle is.

Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Wait! Hang on a minute!

Hold still.

- What are you doing?
- Hold still.

I'm free.

And now...

Why are you locking him to the door?

Because I'm not letting this wazz-bag go
till I find out what happened to my bike.

Come on, we're going to Elderly Acres.

Wait.

Kwabba?

It's food.

Da fooood.

- Olives.
- Poootaaayy...

For you to eat.

A'gieeewwww.

Hey, what if he has to take a wazz?

Or a shazz.

Here's a trash bag.

Don't go more than 10 gallons.

Hey! This is America. You
speak English or Spanish.

Yolivos.

Whoa! What's with all
the wrinkled lollipops?

Hey, check it out. That guy's
head looks like Cotton Candy.

- It does.
- I'll go see.

- Wait, wait, see what? Goomer, no.
- He's not really.

Goomer, don't. Stop. Don't you...

Oh!

Oh...

It's just old pink hair.

Oh, Nona. Hi.

Cat! Oh look, my little
blue-haired buddy is back.

- So I was here today.
- Of course.

Did you see my motorcycle?

Humma?

Hey, what's up with all the crazy hair?

Oh. Well, ya see, twice a
year, they hire a service

to come here and give us
all fun, colorful hair!

See the sign?

Everybody dyes?

Isn't that cute?

- Nope.
- It's weird.

I find it disturbing.

Hey, where would I go
to release my urine?

I'll show ya. Come on.

Now what's all the hullabaloo?

Just tell us everything
that happened here today.

Everything.

Well, let's see...

I woke up with a full bladder...

- No, no, no, leave that out.
- Nona.

Start after I got here.

All right um...

About one o'clock, you burst through that
door, and you were all perky and jazzed up.

Why was I all jazzy and perky?

Because you drank that
whole bottle of Pon-Thwang.

It probably made ya go all turbo-nuts.

Turbo-nuts?!

Did she have my motorcycle?!

No.

Was I handcuffed to a
small, angry foreign man?!

No, but that sounds like a blast.

Just, oh... what happened next?

Well, after Cat and I got our hair
blueified, we took some photos...

Which the kids today call pics...

Ha ha. Yay!

We're bluehaired twins.

- Yeeee-hoooo!
- Say blue cheese!

Blue cheese!

Oh!

Oh my gosh it's almost one-thirty!

So?

I wanna go to the MMA fight to
meet up with Sam, Dice and Goomer.

Nona! Will you please drive me to the
MMA fight, will ya? Will ya? Will ya?

You know my car's in the shop.

Ah! Well, then, can you
take me on a helicopter?

A surf board?! A hover craft?!

Oh.

What is the matter with you?

Ooh! Maybe you can drive
me on Sam's motorcycle?!

Yes! We can walk back to the apartment,

and then you could drive
me on Sam's motorcycle!

I don't know how to ride a motorcycle.

I know how to ride a motorcycle.

You do!?

Nona, can this elderly please drive me to
the fight on Sam's motorcycle?! Please?!

- I suppose so.
- Yay!

I want a hamburger first.

Ugh, fine. Then we'll stop at Bots
and get you a stupid hamburger.

- With a side of stupid fries?
- Yes, fine, whatever! Let's go!

Okay, well maybe the old man
knows where my motorcycle is!

Mystery solved!

- Where's the old man?
- He never came back.

I spoke too soon.

Okay, okay, well, uh maybe...

Oh, well, maybe my
motorcycle's still at Bots!

- It could be!
- Come on, we gotta go.

It's nine-thirty, we gotta
get there before they close!

Wait, we have to get Dice and Goomer!

Dice! Gooms! Come on.
Let's go! Chop, chop.

We're getting our hair colored!

We'll catch up with ya later!

Look how cute their heads look
with the green and the orange...

- Cat.
- Hmm?

I uh...

I need you to stop
thinking about everything...

Except for finding my motorcycle.

Why?

- Because if I don't find it...
- Yeah?

Read that sign out loud.

"Everybody dyes".

Oh.

Toodle-blue!

Bye.

Look at Bieber's abs.

Oh!

He must live at the gym.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Okay, I'm looking for an elderly
man whose name I do not know...

And whose face I do not remember.

Have any of you seen an elderly
man whose name I do not know,

and whose face I do not remember?

Is it me?

I do not know!

Well, did you find the old man?!

- No.
- D'ahhh!

Well, my motorcycle isn't out
back or in the parking lot.

Well, maybe it's...

Good evening! Bots is closing soon.

Please leave.

- What?
- We need help!

Searching the web for help.

- We don't need you to...
- Help, a movie from 1965.

Starring the Beatles.

- It was a comedy-adventure...
- Dude!

I can't find my motorcycle!

Oh no!

Do you remember if I
was here earlier today?

May I scan your face?

I suppose.

Oh.

He-he.

This is so weird.

Now searching security footage
from earlier today for face-match.

Hey, Sam...

Um, I just want you to know that

if we can't find your motorcycle,
I'm gonna feel really bad.

Um, if we can't find my
motorcycle, you won't feel anything.

Aw, thanks.

Face-match found.

- Yay.
- Good.

View my face!

You first arrived in our parking
lot at one forty-three P.M.

- My bike! There's my bike!
- I see it. It's right underneath my butt!

Whoa! Oh!

Aw, my sweet bike.

Don't be scared baby...

Momma's gonna find you.

- Do not touch my face with your finger.
- Oh.

Hurry up!

Okay look, there we are
walking toward the restaurant.

Can you show us what happened
when she walked in here?

Yes. We have several
security cameras here, inside.

Show us.

Sure.

As you watch, I will switch
from camera to camera,

showing you the best possible angles.

Come on, come on, come on, come
on let's go! Hi, sorry! Sorry!

- You watch where you go.
- Ishpoots!

Hey hey, that's John
Zakappa you're talking to!

And that's the man I was handcuffed to!

Hey I know you! You're an MMA fighter!

Yeah, so what?

Remember? My friend Goomer
beat you up in the octagoon!

I want my hamburger!

Yes, I remember your face.

After the fight, your little blonde
friend girl jump on me, punch me many time.

- Ooh, he's talking about you!
- I hear him, shh!

Oh yeah, that was my friend Sam!

We just rode her motorcycle here!

- Really?
- Yeah!

Look, this is the key! I'm
holding it with my fingers!

- Now I have key!
- He grabbed the key to my bike!

Ah.

Hey! Hey, come back here with my key!

What about my hamburger?! We had a deal!

Quick, show us the security
footage from the parking lot!

Switching to parking
lot security cameras.

Showing activity at one fifty-one P.M.

Those butt-rags are going for my bike!

- Oh my gosh, is that me?!
- Yeah, that's you!

What's happening?

When is lunch?!

- The old man ran away!
- Hey look at you, look!

- Oh. Ah.
- That Zakappa guy's stealin' my bike!

Hey, hey, hey!

Look, I grabbed his little friend!

What's going on here?!

- Gimme your handcuffs!
- You can't have my handcuffs.

Give 'em!

- Hey! Gimme those back!
- No!

Now I remember!

That mean guy stole your bike
so I captured his little friend!

Onklee shwoz botzwogga-beesh!
Onklee shwoz botzwogga-beesh!

Ishka dishka shut up!

Anybody see Zakappa?

- No.
- I don't see him.

I don't.

You said he'd be here.

I told him to be here at eleven!

- And what'd he say?!
- He said, "I be there"!

- How come he's not here?
- Here he comes!

Don't say nothing.

Let's see if he notices our hair!

Zakappa...

What you want?

My motorcycle.

And four caramel apples.

Dude.

Maybe just the motorcycle.

Now.

You give me my friend first.

Mmm!

Get off my bike and you get your friend.

Mmm! Mmm!

Hector, is you alright?

Mm mm.

You roll him to me.

Sho thang.

I think he wanted you
to roll him that way.

Oh! Oh, I missed you, baby.

Oh yeah.

Oh just feel momma's love.

Hey John Zakappa.

You notice anything different about me?

In the head area?

- Shut up.
- Mm mm!

- Come Hector, I take you to get pancakes.
- Mmm!

Zakappa.

What?

You like to dance?

I don't know how.

Then lemme show ya.

This not dance!

Dice, Gooms! Take my bike home.

- Yes Ma'am.
- On it.

He didn't say anything
about our cool hair.

It's okay. Later we'll get ice cream.

Yay.

You set me free!

Cat, take Hector back to our place.

'Kay kay!

I'm pulling a man!

You lay here and count to ten thousand.

- And then you can get up and leave.
- Ah!

One...

Two...

Three...

Ah, she's gone.

Six...

Seven...

Hey Sam?

Yeah?

How long are we gonna keep Hector?

Until I feel like giving him back.

And until then?

He reads us bedtime stories.

Hector, start.

Ish noolen plutz oon frink...

Du Pudgy Monkey.

Ak bish goolah, aka yock der nibbler.

Eek yatza kobeesh poo-neekla doonk.

His language is beautiful.

Uh-huh.

Eeek-shmoo!

Yeepa coon-dabba leefna poolitz.

Malkof nowak farrow malek...

Kootania petrosini.

Ah...

Petrosini.

Six thousand, three hundred forty six...

Six thousand, three
hundred forty seven...

Six thousand three hundred forty...

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Six...

Seven...