Sabrina, the Animated Series (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 4 - Tail of Two Kitties - full transcript
Ooh! Sabrina!
No!
Why do I have to pay for Uncle Quigley's
stupid doll?
You're the one who broke it.
But you're the one who summoned up
a whirlwind to do the dusting...
...and didn't read the directions.
"For outdoor use only."
If you'd just occasionally
get the facts...
-...before you leap into things--
-I would have no fun.
Meanwhile, I need a job...
...or I'll be on half-allowance
until I'm 30.
Ooh. They need crust scrapers
down at the car wash.
I was thinking more like cover model
for romance novels.
Gaze into the brilliant blue
of my eyes, Fabio.
Sure, right after I chuck a hairball...
...into the brilliant pink
of Zelda's house slipper.
Ah! Here we go.
"Beauty, poise, and talent show.
First prize-- $100"?
Sorry, kid,
but you winning that show...
...is a fantasy in search of an island.
Get practical.
Now you're the one
jumping to conclusions.
It's a show for cats.
Oh, well.
You mean, I should enter?
Now, that's practical.
I just knew you'd like the idea.
Hey, with these rugged good looks
and my warlock abilities...
...I'll make those
junior-league cats...
...look like something
the dog dragged in.
I hate this thing.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
all the cats had to be in cages.
But wasn't it nice of that lady
to loan us her birdcage?
Peachy.
It would have been even nicer...
...if you'd checked out the rules
before we got here.
Here come the judges!
Try to look dazzling.
You try to look dazzling
with your knee in your liver.
Unh!
Got it made in the shade.
Ah! They're announcing the winner!
The winner
of the beauty competition is...
...Scheherazade!
Huh?
Owner, Harvey Kinkle.
- Harvey?
- Harvey?
Hey, Sabrina!
-Since when do you own a cat?
-Since Monday.
Scheherazade just showed up
on my doorstep.
She had a collar with her name on it.
She's incredible, Sabrina!
You won't believe what she can do!
Time for the poise contest.
All right. I admit she's not bad-looking
for a Persian.
Luckily, this contest is also about poise.
And poise is my middle name.
Hmm?
Very nice.
Very nice. Ooh!
Oh, my!
Wha...?
The winner, Scheherazade!
There's still the talent contest.
Oh, please. Enough.
Scheherazade will be available
for more photos...
...at our press conference.
Congratulations
on winning first prize, Harvey.
Cheer up, Sabrina.
Second place is winning, too.
Except without the fame
and glory and money.
Show-off.
Hey!
Hmm. If I didn't know
you were just a cat, I'd-- I'd--
You'd what, Salem darling?
Aah!
Come on, girl.
Time for our press conference.
See you later, Sabrina.
I-- I-- Ay-yay.
Holy frijole!
Salem, what's wrong?
Scheherazade. She's not a cat.
She's a witch!
And what's more,
I once almost married her.
Really? Are you sure it's her?
She looked human then,
but I'd know her voice anywhere.
It was over 400 years ago...
...before the Witches' Council
turned me into a cat.
Last time I saw her, I'd promised
to meet her at the Tower of London.
We had tickets
to that Anne Boleyn thing.
She didn't know it, but I was planning
to pop the question that night.
You were? Oh, that is so sweet!
So, what did she say?
I have no idea. I stood her up.
Salem, you didn't!
I-- I couldn't help it. I got scared.
-I panicked. I ran.
-And broke her heart!
Look, I've been regretting it
for four centuries.
Scheherazade was the only woman
I ever really lo--
Th-- That thing when you like someone,
but bigger.
-I think you mean love.
-Whatever.
But see, I've always had this teeny
tiny problem with commitment.
The minute things get serious
with a woman...
...my feet start heading
for the Himalayas.
-You can't run forever, Salem.
-No, but 400 years is a good start.
Look, maybe meeting her
like this was fate.
I mean, as long as you've both been
turned into cats...
...you could pick up the romance
where you left off. How about it?
But what if she still hates me
for standing her up?
After 400 years?
You know how women hold grudges.
That's ridiculous!
And I'll never forgive you for saying it.
Now, come on. You've got
some serious making up to do.
Scheherazade, I was a cad.
Please forgive me.
Scheherazade, I-- I was a cad.
Please forgive me!
Scheherazade, I killed a clam.
Please forgive me.
You're not getting away from me
this time, Catsanova.
So you forgive me...
...for standing you up
400 years ago?
Believe me, darling,
there's nothing to forgive.
-Hi, Salem.
-Toodles. I'm off to Tibet.
Huh? But...
...you're in love with Scheherazade.
Tell my feet about it.
They're running away...
-...and the rest of me is attached.
-Salem.
I can't do it, Sabrina.
I'm afraid to commit.
Salem, I'm ashamed of you.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life
a slave to your fears?
Sounds good to me. See you.
Then we have to get you
over your fear.
Look, the only way to overcome
your fear of commitment...
...is to work up to it gradually.
Start with a small commitment.
Something you'd never do anyway,
like, oh...
...never going to planet Pluto in winter.
Yeah. I can do that.
I will definitely never visit
the planet Pluto in winter.
But what if the sun goes nova
in a billion years...
...in winter, and the only safe place is
the farthest planet from the sun, Pluto?
I can't do it! I need my options!
Huh?
Don't ask.
Aunt Zelda, is there some spell...
-...for a person with a fear of commitment?
-Sure. You turn him into a cat.
I mean, to make them
love someone so much...
...they want to spend
the rest of their lives together.
Sabrina, it's not smart to mess
in other people's love lives.
Even for a witch,
love has to take its own course.
In this case, love is taking its course
straight to Tibet.
I am not giving up that easily.
Okay, Spooky Jar, I need a spell.
Dreams of love will haunt your sleep...
...but get the facts before you leap!
Hmph! In my day,
witches listened to their jars.
Suddenly very sleepy.
Honey, I'm home.
Darling! I've cooked
an extra-special dinner.
Mm! Mouse loaf!
Daddy's home! Daddy's home!
Daddy's home!
Let's sing "The Daddy Song," children.
Once more, children.
Sabrina, you're right!
It's time I took the plunge.
I'm asking Scheherazade to marry me.
Marry? Wow!
That's way more commitment
than I was expecting.
Ooh! I can't believe it!
Our Salem is getting married!
Who's the lucky feline?
A witch he used to know.
Her name is Scheherazade.
Scheherazade?
Not that man-eater!
When she gets done with Salem
there'll be nothing left but his paw prints!
You must be thinking
of a different Scheherazade.
Salem broke this one's heart
400 years ago...
...when he stood her up
at that Anne Boleyn thing.
I remember that night.
Scheherazade wasn't
anywhere near London.
Michelangelo was throwing
a big party in Rome.
Scheherazade was clinging to Mike
like paint to a chapel ceiling.
Maybe Salem thinks he stood her up...
...but she's really the one
who dumped him.
Of course, that was before she got
turned into a cat...
...for stealing the husband
of every witch on the council.
I-- I don't believe it.
It can't be the same one, can it?
Hmm. Maybe I'd better
do some investigating.
Here's some fresh spring water,
Scheherazade.
From the alps, of course.
Uh-oh!
That's right, Hazel.
I said married.
Look, by the time Salem catches on,
it will be too late.
You know the rules.
If I win the love of a warlock,
the spell on me is broken.
So the second Salem says, "I do,"
I return to human form.
And then it's good-bye, Salem.
I'm off to palm beach!
Oh, man. Hilda was right
about Scheherazade.
She only wants to marry Salem
so she can be human again.
Why didn't I check it out
before I put that spell on him?
It's official. This stinks.
This is one small step for a cat...
...one giant leap for
a confirmed bachelor.
Huh?
Come on, feet. Move!
You're never getting your cloud slippers
at this rate.
- That's more like it.
- Salem, wait!
You can't marry Scheherazade.
-I know all about that.
-You do?
Sure. I do my research.
Legally, cats cannot
marry in this state...
...which is why Scheherazade and I
are getting hitched in the Netherworld.
That isn't what I mean.
I mean that Scheherazade
only wants to marry you...
...to break that spell
that turned her into a cat.
She doesn't love you, Salem.
It's all a big con job.
I should have known.
I should have known
you'd test my commitment...
...with a wacko story like that.
That's really nice of you, Sabrina,
but there's no need.
I'm definitely going through with it.
Sorry. No time for games.
I'm meeting Scheherazade...
...at the Beyond the Veil
wedding chapel.
Don't want to be late to my own-- Unh!
Salem!
Salem, come back! I have
to make him believe. Whoa!
Oh, man!
The Hall of a Thousand Doors.
I really hate this place.
Salem?
"No entry." "Keep out."
"Faculty lounge." "Occupado."
"Please use other door."
Ugh!
That's got to be it!
At least it didn't lead
to the Dock of a Thousand Boats.
Where to, sister?
The Beyond the Veil wedding chapel,
and hurry!
You got it.
Yes, indeedy. You got it.
-I told you not to interfere.
-Look before you leap.
Excuse me.
Is this the swan boat to Yonkers?
-You want the local.
-Thanks.
Could you slow down?
We're there.
You know, I lose more tips that way.
Phew.
There she is.
And here comes Salem!
I have to find some way
to show Salem...
...what kind of woman
Scheherazade really is.
Huh?
Huh! Got it!
We will see how she responds...
...to the charms of Frenchie,
the great French lover.
If that louse really stands me up...
...he's going to have a space to rent
between his shoulders.
Oh, any cat who would
do such a thing...
...has the escargot for the brain.
Hey, slow down, lover boy.
Mon apologies
if I gave the offense.
I said, "Slow down." I didn't say, "Stop."
Huh?
I'll teach that guy to make kitty whoopie
with my girl.
Not that he needs any lessons.
Scheherazade won't put up
with that creep for long.
And so the Witches' Council,
they turned me into the cat...
...for making the love when I should
have been making the magic.
How tragic.
Yep, she'll deck him any hour now.
How do I know you're really a warlock...
...and not just some French alley cat?
Could the alley cat do...
...this?
Ooh! For me?
If you say you will be my wife,
it is yours.
Say oui!
All the way home, lover boy!
All right, I've had enough!
Ah! Salem!
Come on, Scheherazade!
Sorry, Salem,
but there's a better offer on the table...
...not to mention the one on my paw.
I thought we had something special.
We did, darling, but Frenchie is,
as the Americans put it, the bomb.
Face it, tomcat.
You are the loser.
Oh, yeah? Well, this "loser"
is about to kick...
...your frog-leg-eating fanny, pal!
Wait for me inside, ma cherie...
...while I settle things
with this tomcat.
Don't be long, lover boy.
I've got some things
that need settling myself.
Aah!
It's me, Salem. I-- I'm sorry.
But I had to show you what Scheherazade
was really like.
I know. Ha-ha-ha!
By the way, that was the worst French
accent I've ever heard in my life.
-You knew?
-Ha, ha!
Hey, I pulled the same stunt...
...to get out of marrying
Marie Antoinette's cat.
Ah, so long, Scheherazade.
Guess I'll have to find somebody else
to sing "The Daddy Song."
The what song?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
Come on. I'll let you buy me
a tuna sandwich.
So you're not mad at me?
No, but next time, remember.
I know. Look before I leap.
I was thinking, "Do a background check
before you set somebody up."
But yours is good, too.
I just remembered!
I'm still on half-allowance...
...until I pay for Uncle Quigley's doll.
Though with Scheherazade
out of the picture...
...the next cat show will be a snap.
We'll go with a cowboy theme.
I'll get you some chaps
and a 10-gallon hat.
I've got a better idea.
This time, you be the cat.
Hey, wait a minute.
Now, I see you
in a tutu and roller skates.
Oh, and can you gargle
"The Star-Spangled Banner"?
Freaks.
No!
Why do I have to pay for Uncle Quigley's
stupid doll?
You're the one who broke it.
But you're the one who summoned up
a whirlwind to do the dusting...
...and didn't read the directions.
"For outdoor use only."
If you'd just occasionally
get the facts...
-...before you leap into things--
-I would have no fun.
Meanwhile, I need a job...
...or I'll be on half-allowance
until I'm 30.
Ooh. They need crust scrapers
down at the car wash.
I was thinking more like cover model
for romance novels.
Gaze into the brilliant blue
of my eyes, Fabio.
Sure, right after I chuck a hairball...
...into the brilliant pink
of Zelda's house slipper.
Ah! Here we go.
"Beauty, poise, and talent show.
First prize-- $100"?
Sorry, kid,
but you winning that show...
...is a fantasy in search of an island.
Get practical.
Now you're the one
jumping to conclusions.
It's a show for cats.
Oh, well.
You mean, I should enter?
Now, that's practical.
I just knew you'd like the idea.
Hey, with these rugged good looks
and my warlock abilities...
...I'll make those
junior-league cats...
...look like something
the dog dragged in.
I hate this thing.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
all the cats had to be in cages.
But wasn't it nice of that lady
to loan us her birdcage?
Peachy.
It would have been even nicer...
...if you'd checked out the rules
before we got here.
Here come the judges!
Try to look dazzling.
You try to look dazzling
with your knee in your liver.
Unh!
Got it made in the shade.
Ah! They're announcing the winner!
The winner
of the beauty competition is...
...Scheherazade!
Huh?
Owner, Harvey Kinkle.
- Harvey?
- Harvey?
Hey, Sabrina!
-Since when do you own a cat?
-Since Monday.
Scheherazade just showed up
on my doorstep.
She had a collar with her name on it.
She's incredible, Sabrina!
You won't believe what she can do!
Time for the poise contest.
All right. I admit she's not bad-looking
for a Persian.
Luckily, this contest is also about poise.
And poise is my middle name.
Hmm?
Very nice.
Very nice. Ooh!
Oh, my!
Wha...?
The winner, Scheherazade!
There's still the talent contest.
Oh, please. Enough.
Scheherazade will be available
for more photos...
...at our press conference.
Congratulations
on winning first prize, Harvey.
Cheer up, Sabrina.
Second place is winning, too.
Except without the fame
and glory and money.
Show-off.
Hey!
Hmm. If I didn't know
you were just a cat, I'd-- I'd--
You'd what, Salem darling?
Aah!
Come on, girl.
Time for our press conference.
See you later, Sabrina.
I-- I-- Ay-yay.
Holy frijole!
Salem, what's wrong?
Scheherazade. She's not a cat.
She's a witch!
And what's more,
I once almost married her.
Really? Are you sure it's her?
She looked human then,
but I'd know her voice anywhere.
It was over 400 years ago...
...before the Witches' Council
turned me into a cat.
Last time I saw her, I'd promised
to meet her at the Tower of London.
We had tickets
to that Anne Boleyn thing.
She didn't know it, but I was planning
to pop the question that night.
You were? Oh, that is so sweet!
So, what did she say?
I have no idea. I stood her up.
Salem, you didn't!
I-- I couldn't help it. I got scared.
-I panicked. I ran.
-And broke her heart!
Look, I've been regretting it
for four centuries.
Scheherazade was the only woman
I ever really lo--
Th-- That thing when you like someone,
but bigger.
-I think you mean love.
-Whatever.
But see, I've always had this teeny
tiny problem with commitment.
The minute things get serious
with a woman...
...my feet start heading
for the Himalayas.
-You can't run forever, Salem.
-No, but 400 years is a good start.
Look, maybe meeting her
like this was fate.
I mean, as long as you've both been
turned into cats...
...you could pick up the romance
where you left off. How about it?
But what if she still hates me
for standing her up?
After 400 years?
You know how women hold grudges.
That's ridiculous!
And I'll never forgive you for saying it.
Now, come on. You've got
some serious making up to do.
Scheherazade, I was a cad.
Please forgive me.
Scheherazade, I-- I was a cad.
Please forgive me!
Scheherazade, I killed a clam.
Please forgive me.
You're not getting away from me
this time, Catsanova.
So you forgive me...
...for standing you up
400 years ago?
Believe me, darling,
there's nothing to forgive.
-Hi, Salem.
-Toodles. I'm off to Tibet.
Huh? But...
...you're in love with Scheherazade.
Tell my feet about it.
They're running away...
-...and the rest of me is attached.
-Salem.
I can't do it, Sabrina.
I'm afraid to commit.
Salem, I'm ashamed of you.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life
a slave to your fears?
Sounds good to me. See you.
Then we have to get you
over your fear.
Look, the only way to overcome
your fear of commitment...
...is to work up to it gradually.
Start with a small commitment.
Something you'd never do anyway,
like, oh...
...never going to planet Pluto in winter.
Yeah. I can do that.
I will definitely never visit
the planet Pluto in winter.
But what if the sun goes nova
in a billion years...
...in winter, and the only safe place is
the farthest planet from the sun, Pluto?
I can't do it! I need my options!
Huh?
Don't ask.
Aunt Zelda, is there some spell...
-...for a person with a fear of commitment?
-Sure. You turn him into a cat.
I mean, to make them
love someone so much...
...they want to spend
the rest of their lives together.
Sabrina, it's not smart to mess
in other people's love lives.
Even for a witch,
love has to take its own course.
In this case, love is taking its course
straight to Tibet.
I am not giving up that easily.
Okay, Spooky Jar, I need a spell.
Dreams of love will haunt your sleep...
...but get the facts before you leap!
Hmph! In my day,
witches listened to their jars.
Suddenly very sleepy.
Honey, I'm home.
Darling! I've cooked
an extra-special dinner.
Mm! Mouse loaf!
Daddy's home! Daddy's home!
Daddy's home!
Let's sing "The Daddy Song," children.
Once more, children.
Sabrina, you're right!
It's time I took the plunge.
I'm asking Scheherazade to marry me.
Marry? Wow!
That's way more commitment
than I was expecting.
Ooh! I can't believe it!
Our Salem is getting married!
Who's the lucky feline?
A witch he used to know.
Her name is Scheherazade.
Scheherazade?
Not that man-eater!
When she gets done with Salem
there'll be nothing left but his paw prints!
You must be thinking
of a different Scheherazade.
Salem broke this one's heart
400 years ago...
...when he stood her up
at that Anne Boleyn thing.
I remember that night.
Scheherazade wasn't
anywhere near London.
Michelangelo was throwing
a big party in Rome.
Scheherazade was clinging to Mike
like paint to a chapel ceiling.
Maybe Salem thinks he stood her up...
...but she's really the one
who dumped him.
Of course, that was before she got
turned into a cat...
...for stealing the husband
of every witch on the council.
I-- I don't believe it.
It can't be the same one, can it?
Hmm. Maybe I'd better
do some investigating.
Here's some fresh spring water,
Scheherazade.
From the alps, of course.
Uh-oh!
That's right, Hazel.
I said married.
Look, by the time Salem catches on,
it will be too late.
You know the rules.
If I win the love of a warlock,
the spell on me is broken.
So the second Salem says, "I do,"
I return to human form.
And then it's good-bye, Salem.
I'm off to palm beach!
Oh, man. Hilda was right
about Scheherazade.
She only wants to marry Salem
so she can be human again.
Why didn't I check it out
before I put that spell on him?
It's official. This stinks.
This is one small step for a cat...
...one giant leap for
a confirmed bachelor.
Huh?
Come on, feet. Move!
You're never getting your cloud slippers
at this rate.
- That's more like it.
- Salem, wait!
You can't marry Scheherazade.
-I know all about that.
-You do?
Sure. I do my research.
Legally, cats cannot
marry in this state...
...which is why Scheherazade and I
are getting hitched in the Netherworld.
That isn't what I mean.
I mean that Scheherazade
only wants to marry you...
...to break that spell
that turned her into a cat.
She doesn't love you, Salem.
It's all a big con job.
I should have known.
I should have known
you'd test my commitment...
...with a wacko story like that.
That's really nice of you, Sabrina,
but there's no need.
I'm definitely going through with it.
Sorry. No time for games.
I'm meeting Scheherazade...
...at the Beyond the Veil
wedding chapel.
Don't want to be late to my own-- Unh!
Salem!
Salem, come back! I have
to make him believe. Whoa!
Oh, man!
The Hall of a Thousand Doors.
I really hate this place.
Salem?
"No entry." "Keep out."
"Faculty lounge." "Occupado."
"Please use other door."
Ugh!
That's got to be it!
At least it didn't lead
to the Dock of a Thousand Boats.
Where to, sister?
The Beyond the Veil wedding chapel,
and hurry!
You got it.
Yes, indeedy. You got it.
-I told you not to interfere.
-Look before you leap.
Excuse me.
Is this the swan boat to Yonkers?
-You want the local.
-Thanks.
Could you slow down?
We're there.
You know, I lose more tips that way.
Phew.
There she is.
And here comes Salem!
I have to find some way
to show Salem...
...what kind of woman
Scheherazade really is.
Huh?
Huh! Got it!
We will see how she responds...
...to the charms of Frenchie,
the great French lover.
If that louse really stands me up...
...he's going to have a space to rent
between his shoulders.
Oh, any cat who would
do such a thing...
...has the escargot for the brain.
Hey, slow down, lover boy.
Mon apologies
if I gave the offense.
I said, "Slow down." I didn't say, "Stop."
Huh?
I'll teach that guy to make kitty whoopie
with my girl.
Not that he needs any lessons.
Scheherazade won't put up
with that creep for long.
And so the Witches' Council,
they turned me into the cat...
...for making the love when I should
have been making the magic.
How tragic.
Yep, she'll deck him any hour now.
How do I know you're really a warlock...
...and not just some French alley cat?
Could the alley cat do...
...this?
Ooh! For me?
If you say you will be my wife,
it is yours.
Say oui!
All the way home, lover boy!
All right, I've had enough!
Ah! Salem!
Come on, Scheherazade!
Sorry, Salem,
but there's a better offer on the table...
...not to mention the one on my paw.
I thought we had something special.
We did, darling, but Frenchie is,
as the Americans put it, the bomb.
Face it, tomcat.
You are the loser.
Oh, yeah? Well, this "loser"
is about to kick...
...your frog-leg-eating fanny, pal!
Wait for me inside, ma cherie...
...while I settle things
with this tomcat.
Don't be long, lover boy.
I've got some things
that need settling myself.
Aah!
It's me, Salem. I-- I'm sorry.
But I had to show you what Scheherazade
was really like.
I know. Ha-ha-ha!
By the way, that was the worst French
accent I've ever heard in my life.
-You knew?
-Ha, ha!
Hey, I pulled the same stunt...
...to get out of marrying
Marie Antoinette's cat.
Ah, so long, Scheherazade.
Guess I'll have to find somebody else
to sing "The Daddy Song."
The what song?
Ah, it doesn't matter.
Come on. I'll let you buy me
a tuna sandwich.
So you're not mad at me?
No, but next time, remember.
I know. Look before I leap.
I was thinking, "Do a background check
before you set somebody up."
But yours is good, too.
I just remembered!
I'm still on half-allowance...
...until I pay for Uncle Quigley's doll.
Though with Scheherazade
out of the picture...
...the next cat show will be a snap.
We'll go with a cowboy theme.
I'll get you some chaps
and a 10-gallon hat.
I've got a better idea.
This time, you be the cat.
Hey, wait a minute.
Now, I see you
in a tutu and roller skates.
Oh, and can you gargle
"The Star-Spangled Banner"?
Freaks.