Sabrina, the Animated Series (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 12 - Has Anybody Seen My Quigley? - full transcript

Uh-oh.

Aah!

Whoa!

No!

So you wanna go to the movies
with me tomorrow?

-They're showing--
-Yes!

--Space Blobs From Space.

Oh, sounds great!

-Meet you at 2 then?
-Deal. See you.

Hi, Uncle Quigley.

Sabrina, do you know what this is?



Uh, a letter?

That's right, a letter from the bank.

It says they called
and left a message with a girl.

Oh, yeah. I think I remember.

They said to call them back right away
or your car would be re--

Oh, what was that word?

Repossessed?

Right! Repossessed! Uh-oh.

Um, you're probably mad at me, right?

Oh, Sabrina.
Why didn't you write the message down?

If you answer the phone,
it's your responsibility to take a message.

You can use my bicycle.

And speaking of responsibility,
Hilda, may I have a word with you?

Sure, Quig, what's up?



Remember that little rhyme we have
about chores?

Oh, boy. Here we go.

I'll do mine, and you do yours.
Everyone....

-Must do their chores.
-Must do their chores.

And do you remember
what your chore was?

Sure. I'm supposed to water the plants.

You mean, these plants?

So maybe I skipped a day or two.

There's still plenty of life in these little guys.

Uh-huh, you see what happens
when you ignore your responsibilities?

-When will you girls learn?
-Huh?

Oh, my gosh!

Zelda, are you okay?

I just don't know what went wrong.

It was a simple experiment,
some bat toes, a few dragon's teeth...

...and just a pinch of dynamite.

Uh, excuse me. I could use a hand here.

Huh?

Yuck! I feel like a piece of abstract art.
Ugh.

Zelda, not again!

You know you're not supposed
to do experiments in the kitchen.

All right. That's it!

Until you girls learn some responsibility,
you're all grounded!

- Grounded?
- You can't ground me.

I'm 600 years old.

I haven't been grounded
since that incident on the Mayflower.

Those Puritans
have no sense of humor.

I can't be grounded, not this weekend.

I'm going to the movies with Harvey.

And I have a symposium to attend.

You'll just have to call and cancel.
No one goes out this weekend...

...and that's final.

That's telling them, Quigster.

And you're grounded too, Salem.

Me? Why?

Because I don't like
to be called Quigster.

- Hmm?
- Ugh!

Don't do this, don't do that.

Quigley's turning
into a real control freak.

Heavy on the freak.

It's a mortal thing.

Bossing people around
makes him feel powerful.

Slurp. Blecch.

Do you know how embarrassing it was
to tell Harvey I was grounded?

How could Uncle Quigley
do this to me? Wasn't he ever young?

I think he's forgotten
what it was like to have fun.

Man, how'd we ever get stuck with him?

Good morning, Uncle Quig.
What's for break--

Uncle Quigley? Hmm, that's strange.

I don't smell bacon.

What's the matter, Quig?
The stove broke?

- Quigley's not here.
- Impossible. He's always here.

I'm getting a bad feeling about this.

Me too.
Who's gonna make my breakfast?

Oh, he's probably off somewhere,
thinking of new chores for us.

Well, I'm gonna go find him.

Uncle Quigley, are you out here?
Hello?

Here, Quigley, Quigley.

Here, Quigley, Quigley, Quigley.

Hey, look. It's a note.

"Dear everybody:

Since you are all so unhappy with me,
I have decided to leave."

Ah! Uncle Quigley's run away from home?

"I have hired a qualified nanny
to take my place.

Please don't try and find me."
Signed, "Quigley."

Wait a minute. How do we know
Quigley really wrote this note?

Wait. There's more.

"P.S. Please put this note in the trash.

Keeping the house clean
is everyone's responsibility."

It's Quigley.

I don't believe this.
How could he just up and leave?

And before cooking us breakfast.

And what does he mean,
"qualified nanny"?

I guess it means he's found some nice
little Mary-Poppins type to look after us.

-Oh, my.
-Gulp.

Don't just stand there
with your jaws hanging.

Carry my bag, take my coat,
and pick up this door!

Move it!

Aah!

Check.

You have no idea how much that hurt.

Ick! Is that a cat?

Yes, miss. Miss--?

Strudel. Frau Strudel to you.

Oh, what do your friends call you?

I wouldn't know.

Now, line up! Hip, hip!

All right.

I have been hired to do a job,
and I intend to do it.

You will vacuum, you will mop.

You will clean this dump
until it shines like a brand-new penny.

Any questions?

Yeah. If you've been hired to do a job,
how come we're doing all the work?

Silence! You girls will follow my orders
or be grounded for life!

And here's order number one.

That cat stays out of this house!

-Are you allergic?
-No. I just hate cats.

Don't worry. She's not so tough.

We'll just scare her off
with a little magic.

It'll be a cinch.

Ten-hut!

And how is the cleaning coming?

-Very well, Frau Strudel, sir!
-Very well, Frau Strudel, sir!

I'll be the judge of that.

Hmm. Not bad, not bad.

But how about here?

Aha! You missed a spot!

But I thought fireplaces
were supposed to be sooty.

Not on my watch, they're not!

Uh, Frau Strudel, don't you want to see
how I cleaned the front closet?

I hope it meets
with your high standards.

Huh! It better.

Get out of that closet at once.

Huh?

I'm talking to you, squash boy.

Make yourself useful.
Move it, move it, move it!

Man, she's good.

Stand back, ladies,
and watch how a real witch handles things.

Girls, that is one tough nanny.

Passable, not bad.

That cuticle's a mess. Fix it.

Sir, yes, sir.

From now on,
you will all rise daily at 0600 hours.

Breakfast will be served at 0615 sharp,
followed by your chores.

I expect my prune juice
to be waiting for me.

Now, lights out.

All right. This has gone far enough.

She's worse than Quigley ever was.

I agree. This calls for drastic action.

Okay. No more Miss Nice Witch.

-Mix in five sunflower petals.
-One, two, three, four, five. Okay.

Two dove feathers.

Two dove feathers.

-And finally, one set of love beads.
-Check.

Back in the '60s,
all the witches had them.

Flower petals, peace sign medals
Purple drapes, and eight-track tapes

Groovy, cosmic fuzzy dice
Make our nanny really nice

Is it supposed to do that?

Yeah, but there's also supposed to be
a loud poof.

-There we go.
-Ta-da!

Ladies, may I present
the mystical wand of niceness.

Guaranteed to turn the worst sourpuss
into a ray of sunshine.

All right!

Cast the spell on the nanny's prune juice,
but not too much.

This magic is very powerful.

Here goes.

That should do it.
One nice nanny coming up.

You know, just to play it safe,
one extra pass.

Tee-hee-hee!
You can't be too nice.

Breakfast is served. I'll get the paper.

Hmm. Maybe a teensy bit more magic
wouldn't hurt.

Good morning, Aunt Zelda.

Here I come, ladies,
and I expect breakfast to be ready!

Better safe than sorry.

Uh, good morning.

Are we missing someone?

-I'm here.
-Let's eat!

The sooner we finish breakfast...

...the sooner we can start
on some new chores.

Anyone want some prune juice?

- No!
- Fine. More for me.

HILDA, ZELDA & SABRINA:
Shoo! Get out of here! Go, go!

Hmm.
I could have sworn you liked that cat.

Uh, where was I?

-You were about to drink your juice.
-Yeah.

Ah, right.

Are you ladies okay?

Sure.

-We're great.
-Never better.

Well, cheers!

Ah. That hits the spot.

Mmm.

This is really delicious.

What do you call it?

Uh, toast.

You really must give me the recipe.

Come on, everybody. Try some. Catch!

-Hmm.
-Ah.

Ugh! Is it hot in here or is it me?

Oh! That feels so much better.

You know what this place needs?

Some music!

Oh, yeah, baby. That's the groove.

Oh, look. A friend of nature.

Hmm? Aah!

Come on, kitty. Let's dance.

Help!

-I think it's working.
-Let's do a test.

Uh, there's a midnight movie on TV tonight.
Can we watch it?

Of course. Stay up as late as you want.

And would you mind if we skipped
our chores today, Frau Strudel?

Ah, chores, schmores.
I mean, who needs them?

I want everyone to have fun.

And from now own,
no more Frau Strudel, all right?

Call me Rainbow.

Help!

-Yeah! We did it!
-Yeah!

Guess what. I got the new
Egg Yolk CD, Scrambled Love.

-Wanna come over and listen to it?
-Cool. That'd be fun!

Uh, you sure it's okay
with that nanny of yours?

Oh, don't worry about her.

Since a week ago,
she's let us do anything.

It's great! See you tonight.

Ugh!

Hey, there, Sabi.
I'm doing a little tai chi.

You care to join me?

Oh, hi, Rainbow. Uh, maybe later.

Oh, whatever. Go with the flow.

Would you mind if I flow over
to Harvey's house tonight? We're--

No problemo.
Stay out as late as you want.

Hey. You wanna borrow my car?

I'm only 12.

Oh, pooh-pooh. Age is just a concept.

You gotta let go, baby.
Be free, free, free!

Huh? What's wrong, Salem?

What does it look like?
Little miss flower child tie-dyed me.

Rainbow, can I have a word with you?

Ah, I'm always open for sharing.

Didn't you say
you were gonna feed my fish?

Yes.

Oh. Hmm. He looks a little tired.

He looks a little dead!
What did you feed him?

Well, just what I eat,
a Zen vegetarian diet.

Lettuce, a radish,
some steamed vegetables.

He's a piranha.
He doesn't eat vegetables.

He eats meat!

Oh, well. It's not like he's really gone.

He's just passed on to another plane.

Well, I liked him on this plane!

Ah, Rainbow!

Rainbow,
what did you do to my laboratory?

Oh, this place was full of bad karma.

I just spruced it up a little.

You spruced?
Who said you could spruce?

I never said you could spruce.
What did you do with all my chemicals?

Oh, chemicals give off such bad vibes.

I replaced them
with fresh-picked flowers.

They're much more spiritually evolved.

You had no right to touch my stuff.

That was very, very irresponsible
of you!

Well, don't be so uptight.

I mean, you haven't even
seen the best part yet.

Watch.

-Ta-da!
-Tree bark?

-Uh, dandelions?
-For dinner?

I call it "dandelion surprise."

Well, dig in.

This is supposed to taste like this?

Mmm. You're right.

It needs some crab grass.
I'll be right back.

Don't be angry at me, guys,
but I miss Uncle Quigley's cooking.

I miss his cleaning.

I even miss his lectures on responsibility,
but most of all, I miss him.

If I don't eat something soon,
I'm gonna pass out.

Aah.

Don't even think about it.

I hit the jackpot!

Your neighbor was throwing out
a perfectly good pile of aged crab grass.

You know,
I'm really not that hungry after all.

Hey, Sabrina, Harvey's here.

Huh?

Oh, no! What's he doing here?

Um, he called earlier
to say he was coming over.

He what?
I can't let him see the house like this.

Why didn't you tell me?

-Forgot.
-You should have written it down.

If you answer the phone,
it's your responsibility to take a message.

Ah, there you go again.

You girls are really fixated
on this "responsibility" thing.

-I'll get it!
-Wait. Don't. No!

No! You can't let Harvey see this mess!

Come in, come in.

So you're Sabrina's little friend Harvey.

Hi. You're the nanny?

Nanny, spirit guide, muse.
I'm not into labels.

Call me Rainbow.

Uh, Harvey, what are you doing here?

My CD player broke,
I thought we could listen to it here.

You can't! I mean, it's too--
Too unready.

Oh, don't be so formal, Sabi.

Come on in, Harve.

Wow.

-Have a seat.
-Where?

Oh, ha, ha. Excuse the mess.

We're doing some, uh, spring cleaning.

It isn't spring.

You smell something?

It's, uh, incense.

Smells more like old gym socks.

Uh, gym-sock-flavored incense.
It's the latest thing.

So where's your CD player, uh, Sabi?

It's right over-- Uh, somewhere else.

Rainbow,
have you seen the CD player?

Oh, I threw it out.

All those electromagnetic waves
interfere with your karmic equilibrium.

You threw out my CD player?

Relax. I got these really cool
Tibetan temple bells instead.

Uh, uh, well, maybe we can watch
a music video or something.

Rainbow, where's the VCR and the TV?

Got rid of them.

I had to make room
for the Japanese sand garden.

Come, children.

Let's all sit around the sand garden,
join hands...

...and get in touch with our inner child.

Uh, um, I just remembered
my outer child has to be somewhere.

At least have a nice cup
of six-grain soy milk.

Um, I think I'm allergic
to, uh, whatever that is.

Gotta go. Bye.

Agh!

Ugh, I can't take it anymore!

I want Uncle Quigley back!

We were just talking
about the same thing.

Well, if you ask me,
it was very irresponsible of him to leave us.

Maybe we should have thought of that
before we ignored our responsibilities.

Zelda's right.
We all messed up big time.

Now how do we get him back?

It won't be easy.
He could be anywhere by now.

Maybe we can-- Zelda, look!

Quigley went into business.

"Quigley the Kitchyware king.

No order too large or too small.

Gelatin molds our specialty.

Kitchyware parties held daily."

Come on, girls.
We're going to a Kitchyware party.

This is the place.

And this little item is a real find.

It's an ice cube tray that makes ice cubes
shaped like little ice cube trays.

Oh, please. Stop, stop.

There's something different about him.

-He looks so-- So--
-Happy?

And check out
this Kitchyware egg carton.

With its specially cushioned
chambers...

...your eggs can survive a drop
from a 10-story building.

Guess you'll have to scramble your eggs
some other way.

It wasn't that funny.

Ha, ha, ha. Well, that about does it.

Feel free
to look over the Kitchyware line.

Order forms are over there. Thank you.

Where's my checkbook?

Hey, look who's here.

Hi, Uncle Quigley.

How are you girls doing?

Oh, great, great.

-Couldn't be better.
-How about you, Uncle Quig?

Me? See for yourself.

I think I finally found my true calling
with Kitchyware.

I've never felt so alive.

The firm roundness of the fruit bowl,
the seductive allure of the gelatin mold...

...the earthy burp of the self-seal lid,
but, say, I'm doing all the talking.

What brings you three here?

Oh, we were just in the neighborhood.

Yeah, you know, just thought we'd swing by
and say howdy.

Oh, drop it.

Uncle Quigley, I know
we've been really irresponsible lately...

...and I know it's wrong of us to ask...

...but you wouldn't wanna come back home,
would you?

You want me back, all of you?

Yeah. We really miss you
and your cooking.

We see what happens when no one
does what they're supposed to do.

You're right. If we're gonna live together,
we all have to accept some responsibility.

Girls, I don't know what to--

Uncle Quig, we kind of need you,
like, real bad.

That's all you had to say.

Oh, Uncle Quigley!

I hope you don't mind if I host the
occasional Kitchyware party at our house.

-Not at all.
-By the way, how did that nanny work out?

The nanny? Uh, she--

Be free, free, free!

I wanna be free, free, free!

Hey. Wasn't that--?
Uh, forget it. I don't wanna know.

Ha-ha-ha. Freaks.