Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 4 - Cupcake - full transcript
Jeff thinks he's having a heart attack after he unknowingly eats a cupcake that contains marijuana, and Timmy scores with a "cougar" while being forced to work as Russell's "rodeo clown."
Hey, Timmy.
I scored us
some dates tonight.
It's too bad
you're wearing that,
but I guess you're used
to not getting laid.
And why, exactly,
do you need me?
Because Amy,
this chick I'm dating,
has a friend in town
who refuses to leave
us alone.
You know what that means.
Operation rodeo clown.
Yeah.
And your mission?
To distract Amy's friend,
thereby freeing you
to lasso your date
for your own
personal hoedown.
Good man.
You know, over the years,
you've become
quite an accomplished
little clown.
I should get you
a red nose.
Not so fast.
What's the matter
with this girl
I'm meant to distract?
Nothing.
Pretty,
normal height and weight,
all her teeth.
Believe me,
you've clowned worse.
Even if all that is true,
the intellect of the girls
you keep company with
often precludes the chance
of any interesting dialogue.
They're stupid.
No, they're not.
Sir, the last time
I clowned for you,
the first question
my date asked was,
"Who is your
favorite Kardashian?"
Well, that's a
dumb question.
Exactly.
Because the answer is Kimmy,
unless you're a moron.
Sir, I really would...
Though I was
into Kourtney
for this long.
But you know what?
Who was I kidding?
That Kimmy K.
turns around,
and good-D!
I mean, it's big,
but I like it.
♪ How many ways
to say I love you?
♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not scared?
♪ With you by my side
There is no denying
♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪
COMMENTATOR:
Whoa, the home side
has something going now,
and the crowd is loving it.
It's the bottom
of the eighth inning...
Why is the TV
from the bedroom out here?
Well, you've heard
of picture in picture.
I invented
picture on picture.
Why?
Well, there's two games on.
This way,
I can hold my fork
instead of the remote.
What are you eating?
Chocolate chip pancakes
with sprinkles.
Please tell me the diner
accidentally gave you
some child's order.
Yeah.
Come on, it's a
beautiful day outside.
I'm going to go
for a walk in the park,
get a little cardio.
Come with me.
It's the game.
I'm good.
Nothing I am
looking at here
conveys that.
Come on, you're going
to be a father.
You have to start taking
your health seriously now.
All right, we'll take a walk
when there's a commercial.
It is a commercial.
On both.
Fine.
At least return
Adam and Jen's
salad spinner, okay?
I told them
you'd bring it by today.
You lied.
Hello?
Anyone here?
Just returning your thing.
(SIGHS)
Idiots.
Well, I don't want
to be here,
but at least I got
to pay my own cover.
Hmm.
I see the normal bevy
of vapid 20-somethings.
Nary a peg leg
among them.
I guess
that's a win for me.
I had you clown one peg leg
for me two years ago,
I never hear the end of it.
Hey, Russell.
Hey, there's Amy.
Amy, this is Timmy.
Oh, Timmy,
I'm happy to meet you.
And I you.
What?
Was that enough words?
Yes.
Sorry, I've got to run
to the ladies' room.
My mother should be here
any minute.
Okay.
Ah.
Her mother?
Well, isn't that lovely.
I guess I shan't be speaking
of the Kardashians tonight
but rather of female
bone density loss.
If you play it right,
you'll contribute to my
bone density gain.
Yoo-hoo.
Oh, hi, Russell.
It's nice
to see you again.
And I you.
Joan, this is Timmy.
Timmy, Joan.
Hi, Timmy,
nice to meet you.
Good evening.
I am so sorry I'm late.
Amy and I spent all day
at the Whitney.
Oh, I thought
the Jay Defeo
retrospective there
was wonderful.
Me too.
It's so nice to
meet a fellow fan
of the arts.
You know,
the Whitney may well be
my favorite museum
in the city.
Oh, I had the very same
feeling today.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Hi, sweetie.
The old broad
is lapping up
this museum crap.
Segue into Charlie Rose,
and you'll keep her
ocupado all night. Whoo!
But I don't
want to tell you
how to clown.
(HONKS)
All right,
less than 26 hours
till we watch
the meteor shower
up on the roof.
Huh?
You pumped?
You stoked?
You jazzed?
Sure.
Yeah.
I figure we will watch
nature's majestic light show
and then maybe we bang.
Now we're talking.
So check it out,
check it out.
I got us something
that is going
to make this whole night
even better.
Cupcakes.
Uh, wait a minute,
there were...there were two.
What happened
to the other one?
Oh, here's a clue.
I think Jeff came by
and returned this.
Oh, so you're saying
that Jeff saw
the cupcake thieves.
Jeff is the thief!
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm with you now.
Uh-oh, this is...
This is not good.
What's the big deal?
It's just a cupcake.
No, it's a pot cupcake.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Did you eat two cans
of cold chili?
I don't know.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(LAUGHING) Come in.
What?
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, two TVs, nice.
Why aren't they on?
I don't know.
Are you feeling
all right, Jeff?
I don't know.
Audrey, Jeff ate
one of our cupcakes.
Ugh, he is an animal.
I don't even know
what to do with him
anymore.
It wasn't even that good.
Tasted kind of funny.
That's because
they're made with pot.
Are you telling me
I'm goofed up on
grass right now?
Yeah.
Audrey, those dirty
hippies dosed me.
I adore Edward Hopper.
His paintings represent,
I don't know, truth to me.
Yes.
(GIGGLES)
Such simple themes,
such raw emotion.
Mmm.
Yes, totes raw.
My ex-husband
wouldn't know a Hopper
if it smacked him
in the face. (LAUGHS)
Boy, would I like
to smack him in the face.
Come on, Mom.
Don't be like that.
No, too many lies
for too long, just...
Please, you're here
to take your mind off Dad.
Yeah, yeah,
we're all here to take
our mind off everything.
Amy, you want to
grab some more drinks
for us all?
She's bumming me out.
Kick it into hyper clown.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, Joan,
I take it your divorce
was rather recent?
Yes, it's just, um,
six weeks now.
But the marriage
hasn't been good for years.
Hmm.
Well, what's important here
is figuring out
how to move on
and get on with your life.
I could think of a way
to, uh...get on with things.
Oh, great.
Hmm. I hope
it includes counseling.
(LAUGHS)
It can be very therapeutic
to shed a few tears.
I think that it would
be more therapeutic
to shed some clothing.
I don't think
I'm understanding.
I know things, Timmy.
Sexual things.
Things that would
blow your mind.
Take me back
to my hotel.
Yes, ma'am.
Is the water helping?
No, not really.
My teeth still feel
enormous.
I can't believe
this is the first time
you've ever been high.
It's okay.
It's okay, though.
I got you.
You are not going
to take this journey alone.
Are you holding my hand?
You know that
I am, brother.
Get out.
It's okay.
It's okay, buddy.
Look, I have guided
more than my fair share
of first-timers.
Is he trying
to have sex with me?
Where's his other hand?
Okay, come on, Adam.
Let's go.
Okay, all right.
Look...
But if you need me,
I've got bean burritos,
glow sticks,
and a bubble machine.
I don't feel right, Aud.
Just give it some time.
No, something's wrong.
Something's definitely wrong.
Okay, honey.
This is the first time
you've been high.
How you're feeling
is actually normal.
No, that's not it.
No, look, I...
It's not just
the wacky tobacky.
I... Oh, my God, I think
I'm having a heart attack.
Well, that would be
indigestion from
all that chili.
No, I'm definitely
having a heart attack.
Call 911.
Honey,
I'm right about this.
The pot
is making you paranoid.
No, you're wrong.
Call.
Fine.
Pfft!
If I don't make it,
there's a bank account
you don't know about.
Again, I am so sorry
to have wasted your time.
Just so... So I'm clear,
what was the problem again?
Indigestion.
Indigestion.
Right, right.
And it's likely our patient
will make a full recovery?
From a tummy ache?
Yeah.
You feel better?
I know I do.
(LAUGHS)
Fine, you were right.
And I guess I feel
a little better.
I think I'm losing
my high-ness,
your highness.
(LAUGHS)
No, still high.
Hey.
Good morning, Timmy.
You know, last night
started out a little rough,
but you turned in
some solid clown work.
Happy to help, sir.
Very happy.
Yeah, I made
some progress with Amy.
Got a little second base
over the shirt action.
Congratulations, sir.
Definitely something
a man of your age
should be boasting about.
By the way,
cancel your
non-plans tonight,
'cause we're all
going out again.
(SCATTING)
Yes, Joan mentioned that.
You know, Amy and I
just made those plans
this morning.
Why were you talking
to Joan?
Oh, no special reason.
Hold on a second.
Hmm?
Are you happy?
Me?
No, miserable as ever.
Why are you smiling?
I'm not smiling.
Did you sleep
with her mother?
Sleep? No.
I mean,
who could sleep with
all that crazy
sexual activity?
Whoa!
For real?
Oh, yes.
She was quite
the spirited partner.
The yoga she does
thrice weekly
keeps everything,
you know,
where one wants it.
But kudos to you
for brushing your hand
against a be-sweatered boob.
Wait, so you scored,
and I didn't?
That's not the way
it's supposed to work.
This is bananas.
And you know, sir,
maybe tonight
you could be a lamb
and keep Amy out of the way?
I really don't
want her blocking
the old Timmy shimmy.
Hold on,
you're not saying that...
Yes, sir.
It appears
I'll be needing
your clown services.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hey, Jeff.
Sweat out all the pot yet?
Aud, I think I'm having
another heart attack.
"Another"?
You didn't have a first one.
You were right that time.
But this time,
I'm not hopped up
on the Mary Jane.
Honey, just go
to the drug store
and get some more antacids.
I really don't think
that's it.
Well, then, take a cab
and go to the hospital.
All right, I will.
Wait, Jeff's going
to pay for a cab?
MAN ON TV:
I'd like to propose
an amendment
to House bill HR-1698,
a supplement to
the Highway Bridge
Capital Budget Act.
Either those cupcakes
have kicked in,
or these are the
best Vienna sausages
on the planet.
So should we, uh,
head up to the roof
for the meteor banging?
No.
No, no, not...not yet.
What are you watching?
It's right up there
in the corner.
It's called Ka-span.
What's it about?
See the guy right there
in the tie, who's talking?
Mmm-hmm.
I think that's Ka-span.
He wants to build this...
this bridge, right?
But then there's the
other guy right there
who doesn't want him
to build a bridge.
Whoa.
And who's that lady?
I think it's a witch.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Gosh, I don't know why
Amy isn't here yet.
I know,
she's usually
so punctual.
You know what,
let me go buy us
a round of drinks.
Ho, whoa!
Oh, no.
All my museum brochures.
Wow, there's one from
every museum in the city.
Yeah.
Russell, I didn't know
you were into the arts.
Ah.
You are the absolute
lowest.
Oh, look at this.
I even filled out
this donation form.
$5,000 to the frick.
Wow.
How very generous
of you, sir.
In fact, let me call in your
credit card information.
No, that's not necessary.
Oh, but it is.
You don't need to.
You don't need...
Timmy, Timmy.
Give it back.
He's so childish.
It's like...
He's weird.
Will you go with me
to the bar
to get some drinks?
I'd be delighted.
Okay.
You can't really
be doing this.
Oh, I really can.
Oh, there's Amy.
Tag, you're the clown.
MAN ON TV:
The yeas have 267 votes,
the nays 54.
On this vote,
the yeas have it.
Yeah!
Oh, they get
to build the bridge!
Yes!
Suck on that, witch!
Whoo!
Oh, my God, Jeff.
You paid for a cab.
Are you all right?
First, what did you think
was wrong with me?
Indigestion.
Tell her, Doc.
Well, Jeff had
a very minor
cardiac episode.
Layman's terms, Doc.
A very small heart attack.
Oh, my God.
Jeff, this is serious.
Serious as indigestion?
No, serious
as a heart attack.
I win.
Kind of an odd reaction.
This isn't a joke.
Okay?
I've been trying to get you
to eat better and exercise,
and this is exactly why.
Diet and exercise is
what I'll be prescribing.
Just shut it, Doc.
All right, look.
I know we have our fun
with our little who's right
and who's wrong games, okay?
But this is not one of them.
You're just saying that
because I was right.
No, I'm not.
I've been trying
to get you to take
better care of yourself,
but you don't listen.
You are lying
in a hospital bed,
and you're actually
happy about it.
Well, I'm happy
about the victory.
I'm going to go
talk to the doctor.
(SIGHS)
Dragging down
a perfectly good
heart attack.
This is the first time
that I have been
out and about in months.
I guess I've just...
I've been consumed
with my divorce.
Yeah, it's nice to see you
having a good time.
You should keep
doing that.
Aggressively.
Yes.
But I don't always
have a good time.
The truth is, I feel
like I'm falling apart
at the seams.
You know I was
with your friend
last night.
What?
Really?
I think I was trying
to get back at my ex.
Oh, revenge.
It's so great.
Any way I can help
with that?
I don't know
what I'm doing.
I, I've lost my dignity.
Well, seeing as
it's gone anyway...
Oh, no, you're crying.
Oh...
You have nothing
to be ashamed of.
Yet.
You know, you're right.
I shouldn't feel bad.
I was a good wife,
and I am still
a vibrant woman.
And then
what could we do
to prove that?
Russell,
I have been a fool.
I guess I didn't
realize it
until I talked to someone
my own age.
Your own what now?
Oh...
I don't have to use
my toned body
and my wild
sexual techniques
to feel validated.
Thank you.
Yeah, you're, uh...
You're welcome.
Oh.
What's going on here?
Uh, I got 'em
out of storage.
Put a seat for the kid
on the back of mine.
Oh, what made you
do this?
Well, I wish there
was a way for me
to say this
without saying
that you were right.
But...you know.
Look, uh,
I packed a picnic basket.
It's all healthy stuff
from the list
the doctor gave me.
Well, thank you.
I just want you
to stick around
as long as possible.
Are you sure?
I don't like having
to nag you about stuff.
Oh, that's too bad,
because you have
a real way with it.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hey.
Do you still
have the picture
on picture setup?
Yeah, why?
We want to watch Ka-span
and Ka-span two.
BOTH: At the same time.
Oh, my God.
Idiots.
I scored us
some dates tonight.
It's too bad
you're wearing that,
but I guess you're used
to not getting laid.
And why, exactly,
do you need me?
Because Amy,
this chick I'm dating,
has a friend in town
who refuses to leave
us alone.
You know what that means.
Operation rodeo clown.
Yeah.
And your mission?
To distract Amy's friend,
thereby freeing you
to lasso your date
for your own
personal hoedown.
Good man.
You know, over the years,
you've become
quite an accomplished
little clown.
I should get you
a red nose.
Not so fast.
What's the matter
with this girl
I'm meant to distract?
Nothing.
Pretty,
normal height and weight,
all her teeth.
Believe me,
you've clowned worse.
Even if all that is true,
the intellect of the girls
you keep company with
often precludes the chance
of any interesting dialogue.
They're stupid.
No, they're not.
Sir, the last time
I clowned for you,
the first question
my date asked was,
"Who is your
favorite Kardashian?"
Well, that's a
dumb question.
Exactly.
Because the answer is Kimmy,
unless you're a moron.
Sir, I really would...
Though I was
into Kourtney
for this long.
But you know what?
Who was I kidding?
That Kimmy K.
turns around,
and good-D!
I mean, it's big,
but I like it.
♪ How many ways
to say I love you?
♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not scared?
♪ With you by my side
There is no denying
♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪
COMMENTATOR:
Whoa, the home side
has something going now,
and the crowd is loving it.
It's the bottom
of the eighth inning...
Why is the TV
from the bedroom out here?
Well, you've heard
of picture in picture.
I invented
picture on picture.
Why?
Well, there's two games on.
This way,
I can hold my fork
instead of the remote.
What are you eating?
Chocolate chip pancakes
with sprinkles.
Please tell me the diner
accidentally gave you
some child's order.
Yeah.
Come on, it's a
beautiful day outside.
I'm going to go
for a walk in the park,
get a little cardio.
Come with me.
It's the game.
I'm good.
Nothing I am
looking at here
conveys that.
Come on, you're going
to be a father.
You have to start taking
your health seriously now.
All right, we'll take a walk
when there's a commercial.
It is a commercial.
On both.
Fine.
At least return
Adam and Jen's
salad spinner, okay?
I told them
you'd bring it by today.
You lied.
Hello?
Anyone here?
Just returning your thing.
(SIGHS)
Idiots.
Well, I don't want
to be here,
but at least I got
to pay my own cover.
Hmm.
I see the normal bevy
of vapid 20-somethings.
Nary a peg leg
among them.
I guess
that's a win for me.
I had you clown one peg leg
for me two years ago,
I never hear the end of it.
Hey, Russell.
Hey, there's Amy.
Amy, this is Timmy.
Oh, Timmy,
I'm happy to meet you.
And I you.
What?
Was that enough words?
Yes.
Sorry, I've got to run
to the ladies' room.
My mother should be here
any minute.
Okay.
Ah.
Her mother?
Well, isn't that lovely.
I guess I shan't be speaking
of the Kardashians tonight
but rather of female
bone density loss.
If you play it right,
you'll contribute to my
bone density gain.
Yoo-hoo.
Oh, hi, Russell.
It's nice
to see you again.
And I you.
Joan, this is Timmy.
Timmy, Joan.
Hi, Timmy,
nice to meet you.
Good evening.
I am so sorry I'm late.
Amy and I spent all day
at the Whitney.
Oh, I thought
the Jay Defeo
retrospective there
was wonderful.
Me too.
It's so nice to
meet a fellow fan
of the arts.
You know,
the Whitney may well be
my favorite museum
in the city.
Oh, I had the very same
feeling today.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Hi, sweetie.
The old broad
is lapping up
this museum crap.
Segue into Charlie Rose,
and you'll keep her
ocupado all night. Whoo!
But I don't
want to tell you
how to clown.
(HONKS)
All right,
less than 26 hours
till we watch
the meteor shower
up on the roof.
Huh?
You pumped?
You stoked?
You jazzed?
Sure.
Yeah.
I figure we will watch
nature's majestic light show
and then maybe we bang.
Now we're talking.
So check it out,
check it out.
I got us something
that is going
to make this whole night
even better.
Cupcakes.
Uh, wait a minute,
there were...there were two.
What happened
to the other one?
Oh, here's a clue.
I think Jeff came by
and returned this.
Oh, so you're saying
that Jeff saw
the cupcake thieves.
Jeff is the thief!
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm with you now.
Uh-oh, this is...
This is not good.
What's the big deal?
It's just a cupcake.
No, it's a pot cupcake.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Did you eat two cans
of cold chili?
I don't know.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
(LAUGHING) Come in.
What?
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, two TVs, nice.
Why aren't they on?
I don't know.
Are you feeling
all right, Jeff?
I don't know.
Audrey, Jeff ate
one of our cupcakes.
Ugh, he is an animal.
I don't even know
what to do with him
anymore.
It wasn't even that good.
Tasted kind of funny.
That's because
they're made with pot.
Are you telling me
I'm goofed up on
grass right now?
Yeah.
Audrey, those dirty
hippies dosed me.
I adore Edward Hopper.
His paintings represent,
I don't know, truth to me.
Yes.
(GIGGLES)
Such simple themes,
such raw emotion.
Mmm.
Yes, totes raw.
My ex-husband
wouldn't know a Hopper
if it smacked him
in the face. (LAUGHS)
Boy, would I like
to smack him in the face.
Come on, Mom.
Don't be like that.
No, too many lies
for too long, just...
Please, you're here
to take your mind off Dad.
Yeah, yeah,
we're all here to take
our mind off everything.
Amy, you want to
grab some more drinks
for us all?
She's bumming me out.
Kick it into hyper clown.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, Joan,
I take it your divorce
was rather recent?
Yes, it's just, um,
six weeks now.
But the marriage
hasn't been good for years.
Hmm.
Well, what's important here
is figuring out
how to move on
and get on with your life.
I could think of a way
to, uh...get on with things.
Oh, great.
Hmm. I hope
it includes counseling.
(LAUGHS)
It can be very therapeutic
to shed a few tears.
I think that it would
be more therapeutic
to shed some clothing.
I don't think
I'm understanding.
I know things, Timmy.
Sexual things.
Things that would
blow your mind.
Take me back
to my hotel.
Yes, ma'am.
Is the water helping?
No, not really.
My teeth still feel
enormous.
I can't believe
this is the first time
you've ever been high.
It's okay.
It's okay, though.
I got you.
You are not going
to take this journey alone.
Are you holding my hand?
You know that
I am, brother.
Get out.
It's okay.
It's okay, buddy.
Look, I have guided
more than my fair share
of first-timers.
Is he trying
to have sex with me?
Where's his other hand?
Okay, come on, Adam.
Let's go.
Okay, all right.
Look...
But if you need me,
I've got bean burritos,
glow sticks,
and a bubble machine.
I don't feel right, Aud.
Just give it some time.
No, something's wrong.
Something's definitely wrong.
Okay, honey.
This is the first time
you've been high.
How you're feeling
is actually normal.
No, that's not it.
No, look, I...
It's not just
the wacky tobacky.
I... Oh, my God, I think
I'm having a heart attack.
Well, that would be
indigestion from
all that chili.
No, I'm definitely
having a heart attack.
Call 911.
Honey,
I'm right about this.
The pot
is making you paranoid.
No, you're wrong.
Call.
Fine.
Pfft!
If I don't make it,
there's a bank account
you don't know about.
Again, I am so sorry
to have wasted your time.
Just so... So I'm clear,
what was the problem again?
Indigestion.
Indigestion.
Right, right.
And it's likely our patient
will make a full recovery?
From a tummy ache?
Yeah.
You feel better?
I know I do.
(LAUGHS)
Fine, you were right.
And I guess I feel
a little better.
I think I'm losing
my high-ness,
your highness.
(LAUGHS)
No, still high.
Hey.
Good morning, Timmy.
You know, last night
started out a little rough,
but you turned in
some solid clown work.
Happy to help, sir.
Very happy.
Yeah, I made
some progress with Amy.
Got a little second base
over the shirt action.
Congratulations, sir.
Definitely something
a man of your age
should be boasting about.
By the way,
cancel your
non-plans tonight,
'cause we're all
going out again.
(SCATTING)
Yes, Joan mentioned that.
You know, Amy and I
just made those plans
this morning.
Why were you talking
to Joan?
Oh, no special reason.
Hold on a second.
Hmm?
Are you happy?
Me?
No, miserable as ever.
Why are you smiling?
I'm not smiling.
Did you sleep
with her mother?
Sleep? No.
I mean,
who could sleep with
all that crazy
sexual activity?
Whoa!
For real?
Oh, yes.
She was quite
the spirited partner.
The yoga she does
thrice weekly
keeps everything,
you know,
where one wants it.
But kudos to you
for brushing your hand
against a be-sweatered boob.
Wait, so you scored,
and I didn't?
That's not the way
it's supposed to work.
This is bananas.
And you know, sir,
maybe tonight
you could be a lamb
and keep Amy out of the way?
I really don't
want her blocking
the old Timmy shimmy.
Hold on,
you're not saying that...
Yes, sir.
It appears
I'll be needing
your clown services.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hey, Jeff.
Sweat out all the pot yet?
Aud, I think I'm having
another heart attack.
"Another"?
You didn't have a first one.
You were right that time.
But this time,
I'm not hopped up
on the Mary Jane.
Honey, just go
to the drug store
and get some more antacids.
I really don't think
that's it.
Well, then, take a cab
and go to the hospital.
All right, I will.
Wait, Jeff's going
to pay for a cab?
MAN ON TV:
I'd like to propose
an amendment
to House bill HR-1698,
a supplement to
the Highway Bridge
Capital Budget Act.
Either those cupcakes
have kicked in,
or these are the
best Vienna sausages
on the planet.
So should we, uh,
head up to the roof
for the meteor banging?
No.
No, no, not...not yet.
What are you watching?
It's right up there
in the corner.
It's called Ka-span.
What's it about?
See the guy right there
in the tie, who's talking?
Mmm-hmm.
I think that's Ka-span.
He wants to build this...
this bridge, right?
But then there's the
other guy right there
who doesn't want him
to build a bridge.
Whoa.
And who's that lady?
I think it's a witch.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Gosh, I don't know why
Amy isn't here yet.
I know,
she's usually
so punctual.
You know what,
let me go buy us
a round of drinks.
Ho, whoa!
Oh, no.
All my museum brochures.
Wow, there's one from
every museum in the city.
Yeah.
Russell, I didn't know
you were into the arts.
Ah.
You are the absolute
lowest.
Oh, look at this.
I even filled out
this donation form.
$5,000 to the frick.
Wow.
How very generous
of you, sir.
In fact, let me call in your
credit card information.
No, that's not necessary.
Oh, but it is.
You don't need to.
You don't need...
Timmy, Timmy.
Give it back.
He's so childish.
It's like...
He's weird.
Will you go with me
to the bar
to get some drinks?
I'd be delighted.
Okay.
You can't really
be doing this.
Oh, I really can.
Oh, there's Amy.
Tag, you're the clown.
MAN ON TV:
The yeas have 267 votes,
the nays 54.
On this vote,
the yeas have it.
Yeah!
Oh, they get
to build the bridge!
Yes!
Suck on that, witch!
Whoo!
Oh, my God, Jeff.
You paid for a cab.
Are you all right?
First, what did you think
was wrong with me?
Indigestion.
Tell her, Doc.
Well, Jeff had
a very minor
cardiac episode.
Layman's terms, Doc.
A very small heart attack.
Oh, my God.
Jeff, this is serious.
Serious as indigestion?
No, serious
as a heart attack.
I win.
Kind of an odd reaction.
This isn't a joke.
Okay?
I've been trying to get you
to eat better and exercise,
and this is exactly why.
Diet and exercise is
what I'll be prescribing.
Just shut it, Doc.
All right, look.
I know we have our fun
with our little who's right
and who's wrong games, okay?
But this is not one of them.
You're just saying that
because I was right.
No, I'm not.
I've been trying
to get you to take
better care of yourself,
but you don't listen.
You are lying
in a hospital bed,
and you're actually
happy about it.
Well, I'm happy
about the victory.
I'm going to go
talk to the doctor.
(SIGHS)
Dragging down
a perfectly good
heart attack.
This is the first time
that I have been
out and about in months.
I guess I've just...
I've been consumed
with my divorce.
Yeah, it's nice to see you
having a good time.
You should keep
doing that.
Aggressively.
Yes.
But I don't always
have a good time.
The truth is, I feel
like I'm falling apart
at the seams.
You know I was
with your friend
last night.
What?
Really?
I think I was trying
to get back at my ex.
Oh, revenge.
It's so great.
Any way I can help
with that?
I don't know
what I'm doing.
I, I've lost my dignity.
Well, seeing as
it's gone anyway...
Oh, no, you're crying.
Oh...
You have nothing
to be ashamed of.
Yet.
You know, you're right.
I shouldn't feel bad.
I was a good wife,
and I am still
a vibrant woman.
And then
what could we do
to prove that?
Russell,
I have been a fool.
I guess I didn't
realize it
until I talked to someone
my own age.
Your own what now?
Oh...
I don't have to use
my toned body
and my wild
sexual techniques
to feel validated.
Thank you.
Yeah, you're, uh...
You're welcome.
Oh.
What's going on here?
Uh, I got 'em
out of storage.
Put a seat for the kid
on the back of mine.
Oh, what made you
do this?
Well, I wish there
was a way for me
to say this
without saying
that you were right.
But...you know.
Look, uh,
I packed a picnic basket.
It's all healthy stuff
from the list
the doctor gave me.
Well, thank you.
I just want you
to stick around
as long as possible.
Are you sure?
I don't like having
to nag you about stuff.
Oh, that's too bad,
because you have
a real way with it.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Hey.
Do you still
have the picture
on picture setup?
Yeah, why?
We want to watch Ka-span
and Ka-span two.
BOTH: At the same time.
Oh, my God.
Idiots.