Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 5 - Fountain of Youth - full transcript

Hey, did you water the living room
plant last night like I asked?

I didn't water it,
but I did beer it.

Stop pouring beer in our plants.

Stop buying light beer.

I drink light beer.

That's nothing
to brag about, Sally.

Look, you are not hanging out with
your old buddies till tomorrow.

You have old buddies?
Who ever liked you?

It's homecoming weekend
up at Syracuse.

I'm gonna hook up
with the old gang.

Ah. You need someone to keep an eye
on your lady while you're gone?



Maybe a pair of hands?
Ah!

No. I'm gonna go too.

I'm gonna go hang out with
a few of my sorority sisters.

Oh, I recently took in a film
with a very similar plot.

According to this film,
these sorority girls

had quite the adventure as well.

Well, you'd be less intrigued
if you saw the size

of Audrey's friends.

Hey!

That is not fair.
Well, except for Danielle.

It's been kind of
rough sledding for her.

No picnic for the sled either.

You know, it's been five years since
I've seen these knuckleheads,

so I'm pretty psyched
for a wild time.



Yeah.
Look out, Syracuse.

White guys in dockers with
receding hairlines coming at you!

Speaking of receding hairlines...
Leave Danielle alone.

Okay, listen.

- Just prepare yourselves.
- For what?

- Oh, I see.
- Mm.

Whoa.

Huh?

- Guys?
- Yeah.

- This is mambo.
- Cool.

- Mambo, these are my friends.
- Yeah.

- You look like a gay pirate.
- Wrong.

Pirates have parrots,
whereas I have a cockatoo.

Yeah, maybe on a slow night.

Please, I beg you.
Just take him home.

Honey, the bonding phase
is crucial in bird ownership.

- He's got to get to know me.
- I can help him.

Mambo, he's a tool.
Bird's up to speed.

♪ How many ways to say
I love you ♪

♪ How many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side

♪ there is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Hey, I just found out there's an
anti-fur peta protest tonight,

and you and I are both going.

There's tons of hot chicks there
with bleeding hearts

under their tasty racks, right?

So I go find the hottest one,
and then you walk in

right on cue, wearing this.

- No.
- Now let me finish.

Then I get all fake outraged,
and I punch you in the face,

and then the girl's like, "oh!"
And then I get the hottie.

- I think not, sir.
- Oh, come on.

I promise I won't hit you
in the glasses this time.

That was a mistake.

For God's sake, when are you going
to learn that there's more to life

than the singular pursuit
of tail, sir?

- Not anytime soon, I hope.
- You're right.

Your priorities are unimpeachable.

"Oh, I'm Timmy.
I know big words about peaches."

Sir... As it turns out, I'm
already going somewhere tonight

where there are lots of
single ladies eager for company.

Oh! Share the wealth.
Hook a player up, brother.

All right.
Won't you join me?

I'm in.

If it doesn't work out,
we always got plan "B."

"Hey, look at you."
Doosh-doosh-doosh.

"Oh, my hero."

Raiding the mini-bar?
That's not like you.

I'm in 314.

A bottle of vodka's
missing from the mini-bar.

I didn't want you
to charge us for it.

- That's like you.
- Just wetting my whistle.

Not like I see
these animals every day.

When we get together, it's crazy.

There's nobody in the world
I'd rather spend time with

than these guys.

Huh. Always nice
for a wife to hear.

Well, can't you have fun
with them sober?

I guess we'll never find out.

Well, you go have your fun.

But when you get back,
do not climb on top of me naked.

I didn't hear
any complaints last time.

Well, it's a little hard to talk
with a mouthful of chest hair.

So you're saying that perhaps
the obligatory hotel sex

should happen now.

No. I'm on my way to meet my...
All right, fine.

But let's make this quick, okay?

I've got my...

Roger that.

Uh, Tim, some of these chicks
are a little long in the tooth.

Um, what sort of nightclub is this?

It's a retirement home, sir.
I come here once a week.

Wow, you're into some stuff.

Kinky.

I don't attempt
to have sex with them.

Oh, I get it.
You make them come to you.

Yeah.

I wouldn't wait too long,
not a big shelf life here.

I volunteer
and spend time with them.

Oh.
Well, why am I here?

Because I'm issuing you
a challenge.

I want you to spend
one evening helping others,

rather than tending
to your own carnal needs.

Right. But then
what about my carnal needs?

Sir, I'm just trying to help
make you a better person.

My intentions here are pure.

You know what isn't pure?
The air in here.

It's like a giant diaper.

You did it. You did it.
Good bird. Good bird. Here.

Jen?

Jen, get in here.

- Can it wait?
- No!

- -No, I need you.
- What is it?

Are you sitting down?

You see I'm standing.

What's going on?

Okay. Mambo just ate
a peanut out of my mouth.

Huh?

That's what couldn't wait?

No, honey, honey.
Check it out.

Check it out, check it out.

All right, watch this.

Good boy.
Let's do it again.

Let's do it again.

- No?
- No?

God, I knew
I should have recorded it.

Damn it,
trust your instincts, Adam!

Why would you want to record that?

You know those sweet YouTube vids
of animals doing awesome stuff?

Well, I could have made
one of those.

I mean, they get tons of hits.

What does it matter if
some strangers on the Internet

see your bird do a trick?

Boy, could you not get it less?

Honey, we're living in
a golden age of unearned fame.

People achieve celebrity
for the most ridiculous reasons.

Yes, and it's
desperate and pathetic.

And I want in on it.

- May I help you?
- Uh, yes.

Just joining
some of my old dearest friends.

Holy crap, I hardly even
recognized you fat bastards.

I didn't think it was possible,
but you guys got even uglier.

Hey, Jeff!
We're over here!

I'm sorry, fellas.
Enjoy your meal.

- How you doing?
- How are you?

- Jimmer!
- Yeah!

- All right, Rudy.
- What's up, buddy?

Listen, I'm sorry
I'm a little late.

I was nailing Jimmer's mom in
the alley behind the quiznos.

You're too cheap,
you'd never pay for that.

Mom is not a prostitute.

Oh, she just gives it away
for free, huh?

- It's great to see you guys.
- Yeah.

Here's to this being the last
thing we remember tonight.

Aah!

You guys
are embarrassing yourselves.

But it wasn't all bad.

Jimmer still got a snickers bar
and a pat on the head.

So are you gentlemen
ready to order?

Well, let's just make this easy.

Why don't you bring us
your finest cow and four plates?

Actually, I'll just have
the broiled salmon.

Salmon.
Does that come with a skirt?

Bingo, he had a heart attack.

That was, like, six months ago.

I'm gonna go with the petite filet.

- Petite filet.
- Boo.

My cholesterol's a little high.
I'm watching what I eat.

Oh, please, on a bet,
you once ate a pound of drywall.

Rudy, tell me
you're having a real steak.

Actually, Barb and I
are vegetarians now.

Is there anything
without meat in it?

Yeah, your underwear.

Lovely Ruth, this is Mr. Dunbar.

Mr. Dunbar, my friend Ruth.

Friend?
You mean sister.

I can't believe I'm wasting
my rap on oldie hawn.

We're going to play some gin.
Ruth...

All right.

- Would you like to deal?
- Oh, well, sure.

Yeesh.

Later that same night...

Can you please just try
to find one positive thing

- about being here?
- I doubt it.

- Whoa.
- Here we go.

- Hey, I'm Russell.
- Hi. I'm Caroline.

- This is my friend Esther.
- Oh, friend?

You must mean sister.

I'm just throwing her a bone.
She's, like, a million.

Are you one of the volunteers?

Sounds like you missed
the orientation.

Ah, maybe we should hit happy hour.

You can catch me up
over a couple of cocktails.

- I'm working.
- Not as hard as I am.

Come on.
Meet me halfway on this.

Excuse me.
I'm helping someone.

Listen, just push her
in front of the fish tank

and tell her she's at Seaworld.

Really?

Yeah, so he woke up
just covered in puke.

What are you talking about, Jimmer?

Tomorrow morning?

No, my son Ryan, he's got
a bit of a stomach virus.

Now we all agree,
no talk about work or family.

We didn't agree.
You just said that.

I stand by it.

Now I got us some shots
to tide us over

until the waitress brings
the shots that I ordered.

Actually, I'm just gonna get
a cup of coffee.

Me too.

I wonder if they have herbal tea.

Am I crazy, or did you guys
all just come out?

Good one, bingo, but
I gotta get up early and drive.

It's Izzy's ballet recital.
Here, check it out.

- Here she is in her tutu.
- Oh, she's adorable.

- That's so cute.
- Let me see that.

Power off.
Okay, we've got to focus.

We've gotta get over to thirsty
Charlie's if we're gonna get a table.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna pass.

Yeah, me too.
I'm exhausted.

Unbelievable!

All right, Dave, all these gals
are gonna go home

and braid each other's hair,
so I guess it's just you and me.

I don't know, Bingham.

You know, with the heart medicine,

my doctor says
I should take it easy.

I've known you for 25 years.

Who are you gonna listen to,
him or me?

- I guess I could go for one.
- That a boy!

All right, well, me and the madman

are gonna go add another chapter
to the legend.

All right, bingo!

Hey, honey.

Will do.
Sorry, Jeff, gotta go.

No!

Oh, do you not want these anymore?

No, I do.

Bird eats peanut
in coolest way ever.

Okay, mambo, ready?
No. Not yet.

Let's get famous.
Ready? Come here.

Come on.

Come on, dude,
get your head in the game!

Oh.

- Oh.
- Oh, great.

Yeah, great.
Bird eats peanut in...

Most stupid, boring way ever.

Zero hits.

Sir, what on earth are you doing?

I'm throwing up bricks here
like Shaquille.

I'm gonna be sore tomorrow,
I can feel it.

I challenged you to help,
but clearly you're incapable.

I don't get any credit
for feeding this one?

Look, I could help if I wanted to.

Okay. Prove it.
That's Stella.

She likes to go for a walk
around the building every day.

- You could join her.
- Piece of cake.

Stella, come on, let's do this.

Whoa. Stella!
Come on, where's the fire?

Can I get a hit of that?
Aah! Ooh.

Thanks.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you still be out
with your friends,

throwing up on each other?

- I wish.
- Aw.

What happened?

The guys are all lame now.
I mean, it's tragic.

They used to be real pervs
and binge drinkers.

Tonight all I did was talk about
their kids and cholesterol.

- How was ladies' night?
- Well, pretty much the same.

I was really looking forward
to it, but all they talked about

was strollers
and preschools and rogaine.

Rogaine?
Which husband?

No, it's Danielle.

Things are not
getting better there.

That's gonna be us, isn't it?

No.

We're better than that.

I thought my buddies were too,
but Rudy ordered a salad

with dressing on the side, so...

I punched him in the balls.

And he actually got mad.

Didn't he just have hernia surgery?

No, that's next week.

Whatever.

I guess it's all over for us.

No, it doesn't have to be.

Well, how do you figure?
We're gonna be parents soon.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
we have to be lame.

- We can have our own fun.
- Well, I appreciate that, aud.

But I'm kind of bloated,
maybe if you're on top.

No...

- No! I mean, let's go out.
- Really?

Yeah! You wanted
to hit thirsty Charlie's.

- Let's do it. Come on.
- All right, let's do it.

Hey, I wonder if my jock strap's

still up there
on those moose antlers.

Mm. If it's not,
I'm gonna buy a beer

for whoever had to take it down.

Ah, Mr. Dunbar.
I just saw Stella.

She said she had
a wonderful walk with you.

- I hope it finally felt good...
- Yes, Timmy.

Helping people
certainly does feel good.

As I've often said, my heart
is my second biggest organ.

Reprehensible.

Oh, hey, Caroline.

You couldn't help but overhear
Timmy praising my selflessness...

Which incidentally spills over
into the bedroom.

Yeah.

Some of the residents
have complained about the smell

of your cologne.

What?
The smell of my cologne?

Are you kidding me?

Stella's breath
is like a punch in the face!

You're in a place where you
could actually do some good.

- But you can't...
- Right, right, right.

Because you're incapable

of thinking beyond
your perverse sexual appetite.

- Up high.
- Not up high.

Sir, there's someone
you need to meet.

That's Herman.

Never married.

Never bothered with meaningful
connections with others.

Yeah.

Now he spends all his days alone,
just sitting in that corner.

- Yuck.
- Yuck indeed, sir.

And that is your future

unless you make some
serious changes in your life.

Okay.

Hey, Herm, I'm Russell.

Timmy says
you're pretty much alone, huh?

Yeah, pretty much.
Pretty much.

Pretty much.

In fact, I happen to be the only
man living in this place...

That he is.

Which gives me the pick
of all the ladies.

Exactly... what now?

Well, I had her,
and last week, I nailed her.

Seriously?
Sweet Ruth?

Oh, she may be sweet,
but she's filthy. Whoa!

As a matter of fact, I don't
even need this wheelchair.

Only reason I'm here
is because I'm exhausted.

Herminator!

You're crushing it,
dude, I love it.

- Herman, it's sponge bath time.
- Sponge bath? Oh, good.

Why don't we give me one first?
Ho-ho-ho!

Oh!

That guy's the coolest guy
I ever met.

Thanks for the lesson, Timmy.

Hey, Ruth, didn't know
you were such an animal.

Deal me in.

This is it.
He's gonna do it.

Ow! Aah!
Get it off me!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

- Yeah! Yeah! Help me!
- Okay.

- Oh, God.
- Oh! Oh!

It's okay.

Audrey! Audrey! Audrey!

Audrey! Audrey!
Audrey!

Whoo!

Well, that was impressive.

How do you know
all those Jay-Z songs?

Huh? Am I more fun than
your boring friends or what?

You are. And you made tonight
great, and I believe you.

Having a kid is not
gonna make us boring.

Aw!

- Fair enough.
- Mm.

Never been
on this end of it before.

Uh, what do you say
we head back to our room?

What, back to the hotel?

What, do you need
to change your panties?

- What?
- Come on.

- Sack up, bingo!
- Ow!

Oh!

We are not done here, mm-mm.

Audrey, this is good, but...

Come on now, what
would you be doing right now

if you were with your guys, huh?

Probably talking about
my wife's drinking problem.

This guy.

Come on, Bingham!
What's next?

Well, we sort of had
this tradition of taking

our shirts off
and jumping in the fountain,

but we really don't have to...

Last one in the fountain
is a loser!

She's gonna make a terrific mom.

No!

Stop it!
Don't film it!

- Hey!
- Stop it!

Well, congrats,
you're the star of "bird moron."

60,000 hits.
So worth the pain.

Speaking of pain,
how's the hangover?

I gotta go home and take a nap.

Aw.

Those other two naps
must have made her tired.

So what did you guys
do exactly?

Oh, aud wanted to prove that
we weren't going to be boring

just because we're having a kid,
which she did by getting wasted

and dancing topless in a fountain.

Oh, topless, huh?
Jen, may I?

Topless.
Syracuse. Fountain.

- Good luck, but you're never gonna...
- Got it.

Whoa!

- What are you waiting for?
- 100,000 hits?

- No thanks, I'm good.
- This is a joke.

This isn't half as good
as "the bird moron."

I think she looks
really great. Watch.

Ma'am, get out of the fountain.

And here come the campus police.