Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 3 - Cats & Dogs - full transcript

Liz decides that she wants a baby, Jeff tries to help Timmy pick up on a beautiful co-worker, and Adam accidentally ruins Jennifer's wedding dress.

Ah, this is quite
the unexpected treat.

The best part
is you're doing this

solely out of the goodness
of your own heart

with no expectations
of what's to follow.

Oh, you couldn't
be more wrong.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm, uh
I'm angling for sex.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you could get me
another glass of wine.

I could
see this happening.

I should go uncork
another bottle
of the yes juice.



(LAUGHS)

And I will be
waiting right here.

Seriously, couch sex?

Mmm, if your quads
are up for it.

You kidding?
This is what we train for.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Audrey,
I need to
talk to you.

Oh, Liz, no, no.

It's actually
not a great time...

Get this party started.
(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, my God.
What the hell?

There's been a death
in my family.

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.



Who was it?

My cat Corny.

Cat? Don't you have,
like, eight of 'em?

Well, I do now.

That's a real bummer.
Why don't you
head on out

and Audrey
will be able to comfort you
in about five minutes.

Ten minutes.

I miss my puss puss.

So do I.
Don't.

I mean, I suppose
I should've
seen it coming.

Forty eight hours
is a much longer nap

than Corny
usually took, but...

Poor Corny.

Is there a dead cat
in that bag?

Jeff, come on,
she's not insane.

I thought you'd want
to say goodbye.
Oh.

I would.
Goodbye, Liz.

Jeff, your playful
badinage

is really a life raft
of levity
in my ocean of despair.

But I've come
to a conclusion.

I'm gonna replace
the life I lost
with a new life.

You're gonna get
another cat?

No. I'm gonna
have a baby.

A human baby?

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Hey, knock, knock.

Who's there?
It's Timmy.

What are you
doing here, dude?

You're not usually
the happy hour
with coworkers type.

Oh, I just thought
I'd pop in
and say hello.

Oh, you dirty dog.

You're after
the new girl,
Charlotte.

Guilty as charged,
Mr. Rhodes.

Ah, all right.
Well, get out there.

Go over there
and work it.

Oh, well...

I said work it.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Charlotte, hello.

Oh, hey, Timmy.

You usually
don't do happy hour.

Well, I figured
I was entitled

to one hour
of happiness today.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Ah, who ordered
the ham on wry?

Spelled wry.
No?

All right then,
let me get you
another glass of wine.

Excuse me.

If I could perhaps
place an order for...

Hey, barkeep,
can I get a cold one?

You got it, buddy.
Thanks.

Hey, Charlotte.
Hey.

Hey, are you thirsty?

Make it two.

A cold beer
on a warm day,
so good.

Am I right
or am right?

You know, um,
that beer's actually
a hefeweizen,

which is German for...

Hey, come on,
I got a table over here.

Yeast wheat.

Jeez.
Bombs away, Timmy.

What happened there?

Joe happened.

Seems he's the life
of the party.

Hey, you are every bit
as fun and as cool
JOE: Hey, Adam.

Oh, my God.
Joe's calling me over.
Wish me luck.

(TAPPING)

What are you doing?

Adjusting the levels
of lemon and sugar.

I like my iced tea
just right.

Okay, Goldilocks.

Well, my trip
to the sperm bank
was a bust.

What was the problem?

Well, they had a book
where you look
at donors' stats,

like height and ethnicity,
but no photos.

I mean, how do I know
what these guys
are really like?

Ah, bunch of guys
rubbing one
out for cab fare,

can't be a dud
in the bunch.

So I got to thinking.

What about one of them
I've already dated?

Maybe one of them
would be willing
to be my baby daddy.

(LAUGHS)
Okay, Liz.

I think I know
where this is headed,

but I'm sorry...

Oh, don't worry.
I'm not asking you.

Because you knew
I was gonna say no?

Doesn't matter.

I'm not asking.

Well, for the record,
I said no first.

To a question
I didn't ask.

Okay.
You were saying?

Anyway...
No.

Go on.

Anyway, one of my exes
never called me back.

Another one
had his phone
disconnected.

And another one's
brother answered

and said that my ex
had just died,

which was spooky
because his brother
sounded exactly like him.

Wow.
That's bad... Luck.

So who did you
end up finding?

No one.

No one, you say?

No one whose seed
I'd like to plant
in my uterine garden.

Oh, God.

Well, I need to figure out
something and fast.

I'm pushing 40.

Sure you're not
pulling it?

(CHUCKLES)

Jeff, laugh out "l."

Huh.

Different way to go.

Keep your phone
turned on.

What's the matter,
Timmy?

Ah, he's bummed
because he got shined
by some chick at work.

Yes. I'm afraid
woe and me
are one in the same.

Keep talking like that,
you're never
gonna get some.

Jeff, maybe Timmy's goal
is not to "get some."

I'm afraid getting some
is, indeed, my goal.

Well, you know,
part of the problem

is you're all,
"Chip, chip, cheerio.

"Ooh, all's well.
(CHUCKLES)

"Your virginity's safe
with me, milady."

He's right,
if you wanna score
heavy with the ladies,

you gotta be an alpha,
you gotta be the big dog.

You know,
a guy guy's wanna be
and women wanna be with.

Are you doing
a cologne ad?

So um,
you've seen
this type of guy?

I've got a mirror,
don't I?

Oh.

So uh, what's your secret
to being an alpha?

Well, I'm a man
of few words.

And this works?

Ah, you're doing it
right now.

Well done.

See, the less you say,
the more people like you.

Mmm-hmm.

I like Jeff way better
when he's not talking.

Timmy, you are great.
Just be yourself.
This girl will see that.

That's a great plan

if you wanna die
with your hand
wrapped around

your business.

I don't.

I truly don't
want to die

with my hand
wrapped around
my business.

Hey.
Hey.

Got a package for 9a.

Really? What is it?

They generally
don't let us
open the boxes and look.

Oh, you're welcome
to stick around

and find out,
if you're curious.

I'm not.

Eh.

(GRUNTS)

You think
you're better than me,
huh, box?

(GRUNTS)

Oh, has your mom's
wedding dress
arrived yet?

No, but it should
any day now.

Oh, I can't wait
to see it.

I know.
I'm a little worried
about wearing it,

because it's antique
and really delicate.

(GRUNTING)

Ah, that dress
has held up
all these years.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Hi.
Hi.

What are you doing?

Just... Window.

All right.

Hey, did my dress
come yet?

Dress?
Not that I'm aware of.

Ugh. My mom
thought it'd arrive today.

Well, sounds like
your mom's a liar.

A liar?
That's just what
she thought.

Really?
Well, maybe
you guys

need to get
your story straight.

Anyway, gotta rip.
Dress ya later.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey, Timmy,
what's going on?

Ah, hello, Cha...

'Sup?

Whatcha eatin'?

This.

We're all going out
for happy hour again,
if you wanna come.

You've been
really quiet today.

Are you okay?

Yep.

Hey, Charlotte, Timmy,
what's going on?

Hey, Joe.
Wanna join us for lunch?

Oh, what,
in the stuffy break room?

What do you say
we take lunch outside?

Maybe hit the park,
get a little froyo?

That sounds fun.
All right.

I'll go round up
the troops.

Hey, Timmy,
do you like
frozen yogurt?

Okay.
See ya later.

(EXHALES)

One day closer
to the most
embarrassing death ever.

Well, I've lost my faith
in the internet community.

What happened?

Well, I put an ad
on Craigslist

to see if there were
any men who wanted

to put a baby in me,
no questions asked.

Oh, no. No, no.
Oh, yes.

And this time
I remembered
to ask for pictures,

which I got.

Oh, God. Oh.

All I got in my inbox
were a tsunami
of dong pics.

Every response I click
is like a church bell.

Dong.

Dong.

Dong.
Ugh.

Dong.
Okay, all right.

That's enough,
come on.
Ugh.

Sorry I'm late.

Yeah, you're not,
really.

(CLEARS THROAT)
All right.

So, Liz, listen.

Having a baby
is a very big deal.

I mean, Jeff and I
talked about it a lot.

Well,
I mostly listened.

You talked about
my situation?

Well, yeah.
I mean, look at us.

We are having our baby
in a nontraditional way,

but we didn't
go with a stranger.

We picked Brenda
as our surrogate,

someone who's already
in our life,
someone we know.

So you're saying
I should go with
someone I know?

Exactly, yes.

You agree,
right, Jeff?

Yeah, sure.

I think I understand
what you're saying.

Jeff, I would be honored
to have you
put a baby in me.

Ugh.

So I'm following him
to your house
or my house?

(GRUNTS)

Come on.

(GRUNTS)

Ah!

Drop it in your beer.

Gives it a nice
little kick.

Once again,
I'm at happy hour,

being ignored while Joe
is the life of the party

for telling everyone
to drop a jalapeno
in their beer.

JEFF: Oh, that's good.

Gives it
a nice little kick.

It sounds like
you gotta step up
your big dog move.

'Cause when
push comes to shove,

the alpha throws down
his credit card.

With all due respect,
I've never
seen you do that.

With me,
push never
comes to shove.

All right, everyone.

Drinks are on me.

(CHEERING)

Timmy!

(ALL CHANTING) Timmy!

Barkeep, tequila shots
for everyone.

Fun idea, Joe.
Joe! Joe! Joe!

(ALL CHANTING) Joe!

What happened?

So it's noticeable?

Yes.

Look, you gotta
help me.

I mean, I guess I know
some costume designers

from my magazine days
who could maybe
do something,

but it ain't
gonna be cheap.

Ii don't care
what it costs.

Maybe don't
say that to them.

What, are you buying
a clarinet?

Oh, no.

So, hear you're not
having too much luck

in your quest
for a stud.

I am not,
and time's running out.

You know,
I'm pushing 40.

(CHUCKLES)
As am I.

Anyway,
I've pretty much
exhausted

all my options
for a donor.

Oh, have you?

All of them?

Oh, you're right,
I haven't.

Mmm-hmm.

What's Timmy's
cell phone number?

What?
Timmy?
My Timmy?

What are you talking about?
Are you serious?

What are you
trying to say,
little man?

Not that I'd want to,

but why wouldn't you
ask me?

Well, nothing personal,
but I was just

looking for someone
a little more...

Way better than you.

I get that.

And I wanted someone
with good genes.

I come from good stock.

I know.
That's why
I asked your dad.

You know what?
You're lucky
he turned you down.

He wasn't exactly
father of the year.

I don't know
where he got
that coffee mug.

Russell,
are you volunteering
to father my child?

No, I'm just
saying that

I have thought

that it might be nice
to maybe have

a little Russell Junior
running around the world.

I am in my
ovulation window.

Yuck.

Oh, what the hell?
Let's go do this.

All right!

Wait, did you really
ask my dad?

Yeah, and he said
having kids was
the worst thing he ever did.

Audrey, thank you.
Thank you, again.

Your friend totally
fixed the dress.

You know,
I had to split it over
a couple credit cards

'cause my cash
is all tied up
in the wedding

and these new hair care
products I'm into, so...

(DOOR RATTLING)

Oh, look,
I gotta go, gotta go.

Hey.

Guess what finally came.

My wedding dress!
Yeah.

Mmm,
that's how you do it.

Ah, wow, she did do
a great job.

Who did?

Pfft, your mom
did a great job
of mailing it.

I mean, it's, like,
totally here.

Mmm?
Wait a minute.

This is the dress
from her first marriage.

She was supposed to send
the one from her second.
I'll go call her.

Wait a minute. Wait.

So you're not
gonna wear this?

God, no.
It looks so cheap.

Yes, hi.

I'd like to report
several stolen credit cards.

All right, big boy,
you ready to do this?

Oh, yes.

Me too.

Let's make a baby.

(LAUGHS)

RUSSELL: Ah.

Well, it doesn't
feel like you're ready.

(SIGHS)

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Bingham.
What brings you here?

Oh, Jeff just decided
to take me out to dinner.

Mmm,
what's the occasion?

Did you throw down
that credit card?

Yes, but I'm afraid...

We'd like two steaks,
all the trimmings.

Put it on
this guy's tab.

Uh, so how's the whole
alpha guy
situation going?

Not well, actually.

If you're not an alpha,

people are gonna
walk all over you.

A bottle of your
finest cabernet.

(WHISPERS)
Same tab.

You know, Timmy,
I was against this
from the start.

Because I don't think
you need to change
at all.

I mean,
if you like this girl,
don't play games.

Just be yourself.

Tell her how you feel.

Thank you, Miss Bingham.

You're quite right.

Pardon me.

Um, Charlotte,
might I have a word,
please?

Oh, of course, Timmy.

I've done a lot
of thinking recently

about how
one person conveys
their feelings to another.

I've been
thinking about that too.

Really?

Well, um,
I've come to realize

that it's best
to just be direct,

and lay one's feelings
on the line.

You know what?
That makes
a lot of sense.

Oh, I'm so glad
to hear you
say that because...

Joe, I really like you
and was wondering

if maybe you'd like
to go on a date with me.

Yeah,
of course I would.

Did not
see that coming.

I did.

And I, uh,
couldn't do it.

(CHUCKLES)

Turns out
the old Russell muscle

can't be used for good,
only evil.

Are you sure
that's it?

Maybe it can't be used
at all anymore.

Oh, yeah.
I was worried
about that too,

so uh,
later that night
I ran some diagnostics.

Ugh.

Russell.

Elizabeth.

Big news.

We're pregnant!

BOTH: What?

No, I thought
Russell couldn't...

Oh, I'm not pregnant,
not with this
wet noodle over here.

Then who's pregnant?

Cotton!
She's having kittens.

Cotton, wasn't that
the dead one in the bag?

No, Jeff,
that was Corny.

Keep up!

No offense.

I can't believe
Timmy actually died
like that.

I can't believe
the mortician

couldn't pry his hand
off it.

I can't believe
they opted for
an open casket.

They didn't.
I propped it open.

Hilarious.

Oh, Timmy.

Oh, Timmy.

(CHUCKLES)
Meow, meow.

Wow, Timmy,
I always thought
you were such a great...

Oh, Charlotte and Joe
are here!

Poor Timmy.
Yeah.

Charlotte,
will you marry me?

Yes!

(ALL CHANTING) Joe!

(GASPS)