Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 7 - The Chair - full transcript

Hey.

How about I trade you
my wheat toast

for your bacon?

(CHUCKLES)

Pass.

Hey!

You should have
taken the trade.

Hey, ease up on those
flapjacks, Tim.

I'll take them.

You gotta save room.

I'm taking you
to the executive dining
room for lunch today.



(INDIFFERENTLY)
Oh, yes.

Don't get too excited.

Sir, it's just that wher
you do something nice for m,

you always have
an ulterior motive.

(SHRILLY)
What? When?

What...
Define "always."

Every single time.

Oh, yeah,
what about that time
I went on vacation,

and I let you use
my apartment for a week?

It was very generous
of me.

You smelled a gas leak
and sent me in as a can.

I ended up in the hospi.

Oh, yeah.
The hospital.

Where you get
an adjustable bed



and all the Jell-O
you can eat.

You even had that fun
old guy as a roommate.

Yes. He was fun.

Until 4:00 a.m.,
when he died.

Not quietly,
I might add.

What's wrong with
these pancakes?

Oh. They're multigrain,.

Yuck.

RUSSELL: You know,

I thought you had
earned lunch in
the fancy dining room,

but forget it.

You're actually
serious about this?

Yes. I know
I'm not always
the greatest guy,

but I'm trying to
make up for it here.

If you don't wanna go, ,
but all I can do is try.

Well, sir, perhaps
I misjudged the situati.

No, no, no, no, no.

Lunch sounds lovely.

And I'm sorry I assumed
you had an ulterior mot.

Yeah.

Okay, here's
my ulterior motive.

See this hot waitress
over there?

I'm gonna try to nail h,
and you're gonna help m.

You know,
at a certain point,

the blame
is not entirely on you.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Wow. So that's
the new chair.

So what
do you think?
It's horrible.

I was asking Jen.

I think I speak
for everyone.

You have been
against this chair

ever since I showed it
to you on the website.

That's not true.
I say we get six more

and make our own
Tilt-A-Whirl.

I like it.
It's kinda funky.

Thank you, Jen.

Hey. What do you think?

Hey, what are you gonna
do with the crate?

Just put it
in the dumpster.

In fact, you guys
can take it down for me.

Once we get rid
of that crate,

we're stuck
with this piece
of crap forever.

Liked it when
I saw it online.

Love it even more now.

(CHUCKLING)

(WHINING)
I hate it.

Hey, instead of
getting rid of this,

can I have it?
Why?

Pfft. Build a fort, yo.

You know
you're an adult, right?

Oh, no, it's not for me.
It's for Jen's nephew L.

Right.

It is.
Okay.

And is Logan here
with us right now?

He's real, okay?

We're babysitting him
tomorrow,

and he'd love it
if I had a fort.

Fine, I hope that
"Logan" enjoys it.

He's real.

Sure.

He is!
Sure.

Well, if you hate it,
why did you buy it?

It looked totally
different on the websit.

It had all these cool
graphics and music and..

Now that it's here, it'.
Oh, God, look at it!

Well, is it at least
comfortable?

It is not.

I can barely hear anythg
in this stupid dome.

Well, can you return it?

Oh, what, and let Jeff
think he's right?

No. I gotta figure out
a way to get rid of it

without that
conniving weasel
thinking he won.

(SIGHS)

You guys have
a different relationship
than Adam and I.

I know. It's sweet.
You're in love.

But it all leads
to the same place.

I been working
this waitress for awhil,

but she won't give me
the time of day.

It's 12:30.
May I go now?

No. Here's the play.

You're Mowgli,
an Iraqi street urchin

that I rescued
from the war.

Why? 'cause
I'm a great guy.

That's what I do.

And how plausible
is that, sir?

I'm wearing a suit.

And you're welcome
for that.

Remember, that suit's
for wearing, not eating.

Oh, I didn't
see you there.

I was too busy
mentoring
the disadvantaged.

I don't think
we've formally met.

I'm Russell Dunbar.

Yes, Dunbar, whose name
is on the building.

Yawn. (LAUGHS)

(MOUTHING) Wow.

I'm Gwen.
Are you ready to order?

You know what?

Some people
find excessive wealth

to be a burden,
but not me.

It gives me a chance
to take on projects.

Like this little guy.

Look at him!
He's a cutie.

All dressed up to eat.

I'll give you guys
another minute.

Okay.

Why do I feel like
I'm doing
all the work here?

(SIGHS)

Uck.

You know, Jeff,
I was thinking,

even though
I really
love the chair,

I just can't really
enjoy it that much

knowing how much
you hate it.

Really?

Yeah. So I'm just gonna
pack it up and return i.

Whoa, whoa... Are you gonna
need the crate for that?

You can still make a fot
out of pillows and blan.

That's bush league, bro!

Why don't you guys
go get the crate,

and we will go
get you some beers.

Something
doesn't feel right.

Well, you are kinda
jerking Logan around.

Audrey caved way too easy.

She said it's because
you don't like it.

Yeah. But I hate
most stuff.

That's never stopped her
from buying
anything anyone sells.

Unless...

She doesn't
like the chair.

But she says
she loves the chair.

Well, of course
she's not gonna

come out
and admit she hates it.

I'd destroy her.

Wait a minute.
You hate the chair,

and she's sending it ba.
You won.

That was just a battle.
I wanna win the war.

What war?
Marriage.

Marriage isn't gonna
be like this for me and.

Sure, it will.

Uh, hey, uh, I was just
thinking, you know,

what kind of selfish anl
is gonna make a wife

return something that
she loves so much?

Oh, um...
I appreciate that, hone,

but I'm okay
sending it back.

I'm confused,
because

I know that
you love it so.

Oh... I do.

All right, well,
I'm not gonna ruin that.

You love this chair.
Damn it, I love you.

I'm gonna
learn to love it.

Uh... (LAUGHS) Honey,

you really
don't have to...
No, no, no.

This chair is
a monument to our love.

And it will stay right e
for the rest of our liv.

In fact,
if you go before me

I'll bury you in it.

Come on,
I'm flailing here.

I need you to play up
the refugee angle.

(SIGHS)
Sir, do you honestly thk

this woman believes
I'm a refugee?

No. 'cause you're not
selling it.

Here she comes.
Eat with your hands
or something.

(FORK CLATTERS)

Is everything
all right here?

It's great with me.
But I think Mowgli here

is a little afraid
of my soft-shell crab.

He thinks it's one of
his angry eight-armed
gods or something.

Argh!
It's not.

It's just a crab.
Mmm!

(MUFFLED) It's good.
No thunder, no light...

(COUGHS)

Oh, my God.
He's choking!

Do you know
the Heimlich Maneuver?

(INDIFFERENTLY)
Yes.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Sir, are you all right?

I...

Do you know
mouth-to-mouth?

(SIGHS)
This is not my day.

(CLATTERING)

Adam?

(STUTTERS)
I'm down here.

(CHUCKLES) Don't worry.

Going to bed soon.

Well, it's morning
already.

You've been
doing this all night.

Well, the loss of sleep
is gonna be worth it

when you see the crown
moldings in here.

All right, I'm gonna go
get some breakfast.

You want me to bring you
back something?

Sure. I'll take
a hot glue gun

and some miniature curtains.

So then I restored
Mr. Dunbar's breathing,

and, uh...
He was fine.

What were you thinking?

Heimlich and
mouth-to-mouth too?

You had two cracks
at not helping.

What's going on?

Timmy saved Russell's l.

Why?

I know, I know.

The upshot was that Gwe,
the comely waitress,

thought I was
quite heroic.

I'm taking her
to dinner tonight.

Is that the one
Russell was hitting on?

The very same.

You know,
saving Mr. Dunbar's life

was neither
here nor there,

but stealing the woman
he's trying to bed

is remarkably satisfyin.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Huh.
Human Resources
wants to see me.

To pick up some
sort of accolade or
commendation, no doubt.

A sexual harassment
complaint against me?

But that's absurd!
Who would make such a...

Hey, Phyllis.
Sorry I'm late.

You.

Hello, Mr. Patel.

Okay.
Let's get started.

Phyllis, would you mind

leaving the door open?

I don't feel safe
around the predator.

So have you
figured out why Jeff
wants to keep the chair?

No. I quickly
ruled out he was
just being considerate.

He obviously knows
I don't like the chair,

and he's trying
to torture me.

I really don't think
Adam and I are
gonna end up...

(LAUGHS)
Of course you are.

Just accept it.

So what now?

So we move the chair
into the baby's room.

After a while,
Jeff will forget about ,

and I can sneak it down
to the storage locker.

Well, it's probably
for the best.

That thing would
scare the hell
out of the baby.

Oh, hey, Aud.
Hey...

What did you do?

Well, I asked myself,

"Why would Audrey
hide the chair in
the baby's room?"

"It must be because
I said I don't like it."

That thought just
made my heart sink.

You love this chair.
You should be able to
sit in it all the time.

Come on.

Thank you.

Hot wing?

Yes?
Would you like a hot wi?

Chili peppers and spice.

They're spicy?

You got that from
the word spices, didn't?

No, thanks.
Had a late lunch.

Fine. More for me.

What?

Nothing.

I gotta say,
this chair's growing on.

What?

(QUIETLY)
Really growing on me.

Now, Mr. Dunbar claims
you put your lips on his
for roughly 20 seconds.

Because he had passed out.

Well, Phyllis,
as you've warned me before,
that does not make it o.

It was mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

Tell me,
how does saving
someone's life

bring about charges
of sexual harassment?

I understand your conce,

because I've met Mr. Dunbar.

But I'm legally required
to go through this proc.

Now, he also claims that
you came up behind him,

put your arms around hi,
and made several thrust.

He was like an animal.

It was the
Heimlich Maneuver.
You know what?

I am not going
to sit here and
entertain this nonsense.

I have somewhere to be.
Oh, really?

Where? To go on a date
with a certain waitress

who works for
this very company?

Oh, I get it.

Very, very clever, Mr. Dunb.

On this occasion,
I'm afraid this will no.

Oh, really?

Phyllis,
correct me if I'm wrong,

but according
to paragraph 9,
subsection 4

of the company handbook.

You mean
the Dunbar Clause.

(LAUGHS)

Yes, thanks for
the shout out.

As long as
there's an open
harassment complaint

against an employee,

they are forbidden
from interoffice relati.

Technically,
that is correct.

Amen, sister.

You disgust me.

Ooh!

That certainly wasn't
the vibe you were
putting out yesterday.

(SINGSONG)
Check it out.

I finished the fort.
It took a while,

but I think
it was worth taking
a vacation day for.

(EXHALES)
Pretty sweet, huh?

It's great, honey,
but I have bad news.

My brother called,
and Logan's sick.
He's not coming.

I see.

And Logan had
your brother call you

instead of
calling me himself?

I'm really sorry.

No, no. It's okay.

Guess it was
just a waste of time.

No, it wasn't!

In fact,

maybe you and I
should spend some
time in there together.

Honey, there's kind of
a no girls allowed poli.

Well, what if
that girl is me

having sex with you?

Okay.

Maybe I can
waive the policy
just this once.

Obviously,
there's no basis
for a complaint here.

But clearly,
the two of you

have a very
dysfunctional relations.

Judge-y!

I would recommend
that Mr. Patel

be transferred
to another department.

Well,
that seems a little ras.

Can you put
that in writing?

I'll give you a few
minutes to discuss.

Okay. Don't worry.

I'm not gonna
transfer you anywhere.

We're gonna work this o.

I have no desire
to work this out.

You and I are through.

Good-bye.

(QUIETLY) Don't go.

Excuse me?

(MUTTERS)
Don't go.

I'm sorry.
Are you saying "oil can?

(SINGSONG)
Don't go.

Why?

Because I
(FADING) need you.

Really?

Okay. I'll stay
under one condition.

I want you to thank me
for saving your life.

Haven't I already
thanked you?

No. Actually,
you accused me of rape.

Wow. You really hear
what you wanna hear.

Good-bye.
Ah.

Thank you.

For what?

(MUTTERING)
Saving my life.

You're welcome, sir.

(SIGHS)
Okay. That's done.

Now, let me take you out
for a nice dinner,
somewhere fancy.

Is that really
the reason?

You want to
make it up to me?

You want me
to tell you now
or when we get there?

Okay, look, I, uh...

I haven't been
completely honest with .

There's something
I need to confess
about the chair.

Really?
And what is that?

I just don't
think it works.

Is that right?
Yes.

Well, I can't say
that I'm surprised.

Hopefully,
you learned
a little something.

Oh, I did, and, uh,
I think I fixed the pro.

What did you do?

Well, when you
moved it out here,

I realized
it didn't look right.
It needed a friend.

Plus, you said it's
growing on you, right?

I did say that.

Besides, I thought
you'd get jealous
staring at me in my cha.

Same day delivery?

That couldn't
have been cheap.

(LAUGHS)
Oh, it was not!

But it was worth it
just to see the look
on your face.

ADAM: (SIGHS)
I knew fort sex
would be awesome.

JENNIFER: Yeah,
but it's pretty hot in .

Yeah, it is.

No. I mean I'm boiling.

Oh.
I'll open the curtains.

No, I have to
get out of here.

(WOOD RATTLING)

I can't.
The door's stuck!

Move over.
Just let me try.

I can't!
We're in a box!

I knew I should
never have waived the
no girls allowed policy.

Can you change the channel?

What?
(GROANS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

What?
Can you please
change the channel?

Hold on.
I'm getting another cal.

Oh.

Never was a Logan,
was there?

No...
No, no, no!