Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 10 - After the Lovin' - full transcript

Frustrated by his boss blaming him for burning his mouth on hot soup, Timmy (Adhir Kalyan) has a special spoon created for Russell (David Spade). Audrey's (Megyn Price) plan backfires when ...

Yo, yo, yo.

Sir, I just put your sop
in your office,
it's very hot, so...

(RUSSELL SCREAMS)

...don't eat it yet. (S)

(GROANS)

Ah, it's too hot again.

Sir, I've told you,
if you were a bit
more patient

you wouldn't always
burn your tongue.

I know,
but it looks so good
I want it right now.

Sir, stop, stop.

I can't!



It's too good...
What are you doing?

Here, I think this new n
will solve your problem.

(GASPS)

What, was it up
your butt or something?

No, just try it.

Mmm, perfect.

Now try your spoon agai.

Okay.

(YELLS)

Now mine.

(SLURPS)
Mmm, yummy.

And yours again.

Ow!

What's going on here?



Well, sir, I grew tired
of you always
burning your mouth

and spitting hot soup
into my face,

so I had a friend who
works in manufacturing
make that spoon.

How do it work?

It's actually two small
spoons welded together

with a liquid cooling at
in between.

Now, the spoon
cools the soup

as you bring it
to your mouth.

(SLURPS)

It works.
It really works.

Yes, indeed.

And now, you're able
to enjoy your soup

and my face will
remain unscathed.

See you later
and good riddance,
stupid old spoon.

(THUD)
Ow!

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

So, it's getting close
to baby time.

Do you have her room
all set up yet?

No. As usual,
Jeff's dragging his fee.

Getting him
to help is like

trying to make
a pile of water.

(AUDREY SIGHS)

I need him to move
the old furniture down
to the storage area,

and he keeps
getting distracted.

Mmm, Adam starts
out distracted

and just stays that way.

I think I'm going
to have to resort
to my secret weapon,

which, unfortunately, invols
great personal sacrific.

Maybe you should
just give him sex inste.

Sex is the sacrifice.

Ah, so you tell him
if he does what you wan,
you'll give him some.

Oh, God, no.

If I set that precedent,

he'd be demanding
sex every time I asked
him to pass the salt.

The key is,
I give him some,

then I ask him the favo.

He's so relaxed
and agreeable,

he always says yes.

Hmm.

I wonder if that
would work with Adam.

I really want to get a ,
but he doesn't.

Try my system.

I don't know,
it sounds kind
of manipulative.

Mmm.
Spoken like a woman
without a dog.

All right, I'll try.

Oh, here comes Jeff,
time to bait the trap.

Hey.
(SIGHS) Hey.

I just saw a guy
I thought was
Matthew Modine.

Wasn't.

So, uh, we going
to a movie tonight?

Uh, actually,
I thought maybe
we'd stay in.

I could cook dinner,

maybe share
a bottle of wine?

Oh, well, that sounds
like a roadmap

whose destination
is the boudoir.

Seems that way, huh?

I hope you're watching.

Learn a little something
about how to treat your man.

Oh, I am.

I'm going to go
pick out a leash.

RUSSELL: Hey.

Good, you're here.

What was so urgent, sir?

I can't stop thinking at
our soup spoon inventio.

"Our" invention?

Yes, I'm giving you
full half-credit.

I've decided that
we can market it
and sell it.

Sir, I just had
the one made for you.

Yes, as usual you were
thinking too small.

Check this out.

"Cool Hand Soup"?

It's so catchy, man.

Bam!

Sir, why do you
suddenly want to be
in the spoon business?

Ah, I'm sick of riding
my father's coattails.

It's time for me to shi.

Good for you, sir.

I'm very pleased to hear you
so excited about such
a legitimate business ventu.

Yeah, thank you, Tim.

It's good to finally
have something

that's completely mine
for once, you know?

Actually, ours.

Easy, Tim, remember
there's no "you" in "te"

Nice work, sir.

I know.

Yeah, I, uh, I did that.

(LAUGHING)
You certainly did.

Speaking of doing thing,
do you think maybe you could

get to cleaning
the storage area,

and moving
the second bedroom
furniture down there?

Absolutely.
Consider it done.

Too easy.

(BOTH SIGH)

Whoo!

That's what
I'm talkin' about.

You did talk a lot.

(EXHALES)

So, um,

you know
how I mentioned
getting a pet?

Yeah?

Don't you think
it's a great idea?

Sure, let's do it.

Really?
Well, that's great.

So I was thinking...
But not a dog.

A bird.

What?

Why do you want
to get a bird?

I don't know.

Just 'cause.

(COOING)

Yeah.

Yeah, the website's
going to sell spoons.

How much
storage capability?

I don't know,
up the wazoo
is what I'll need, I gu.

Okay, Jim, see ya.

(LAUGHS) Making spoon deals,
Timmy, it's very exciti.

Idea, contact Ricky Schroder
about endorsement deal.

So, sir, I see
you've gone ahead and
formed a business plan.

I have, we're gonna
launch a website,

then post a sales video on .

I'm gonna get more tail
than the guy that
invented the spork.

And where exactly
are we getting
this sales video?

Oh, we're gonna do it.

We'll make it.

I'll be the director
and executive producer.

And what will I be?

You're a good kid, Timm,
we'll find something fo.

And, sir,

you're confident you possess
the necessary skills to shot
a professional video?

Of course.

I learned quite a bit
that week I spent at
soft-core fantasy camp.

And we'll shoot it
on the video equipment
we'll take from my bedroom.

Your bedroom?

But won't the camera
be ruined after I boil ?

Ha, ha.

Idea, try to bang new
receptionist in lobby.

I can't turn it off, Ti.

You know,
these storage lockers
would make great aviari.

Let's try to focus.

I've got to get this
all cleaned out for Aud.

Gotcha.

So, I've narrowed it don
to a macaw or
an African Grey parrot.

Why don't you narrow
it down even further...

to a dog.

Dude, birds are great p.

They're loyal,
they lick your face,

they show up
at the front door

with their little
tail feathers wagging.

You do know what
a bird is, right?

Yes.

And Jen tried to get me
to agree to a dog
right after we had sex.

Like I owe her
some big favor
after rocking her world.

I don't know where
she got that idea.

Wait a minute.

Speaking of doing thing,
do you think maybe you could

get to cleaning
the storage area,

and moving
the second bedroom
furniture down there?

Absolutely.
Consider it done.

Really?

Audrey uses that with y?

Yeah, and, uh, you know,

I think she's been
doing it for a hell
of a long time.

Is it all right if
my parents stay with us
for a couple of weeks?

Good by me.

Mmm. What do you say
we shave this goatee?

It's gone.

(SIGHS)

Boy,
we've been dating
a while, huh?

Shouldn't we get marrie?

Yeah, sure, why not?

(CHUCKLING)

Wow, that scam has
been pretty good to her.

Are you going to go
bust her right now?

No.

Revenge is a dish
best served...

after I get some.

Oh, hey.
Hey.

Did you, uh,
get the storage area
all cleaned up?

As promised.

So, did all the stuff
from the baby's room
fit down there?

I don't know.

I, uh, didn't move it.

Are you gonna
do it soon?

Nah, I kind of
ran out of steam.

But I'll get to it.

Maybe.

Maybe? (LAUGHS)

But last night, you kno,
after we, uh...

Yeah, I know,
but listen...

Cleaning out the locker
just got me a little te.

Well, um, you want me
to get you
a couple of aspirin?

I don't think
that will do it.

(JEFF SIGHS)

Well, why don't we go
to the bedroom,

and I'll give you
a nice massage.

What a delightful
and unexpected idea.

Hey, Timmy.

Oh, hello Mr. Rhodes.

What brings you here?

Oh, Russell told me
to come by.

I'm starring in a movie
or something.

Well, it's not
actually a movie,

it's a web video
to try and sell spoons.

Eh, still getting
my foot in the door.

And this is the set.

That's Hollywood talk fr
the place we'll be film.

It's pretty maj.

Wow.
Yeah.

In fact, Meryl Streep
got her start in a video
very much like this one.

Who's Meryl Streep?

(LAUGHS) I don't know,
I'm too busy watching
the Twilight films,

they're good.

These guys are my lacke.

Lackeys, this is Amber.

Hi. It's Adam, actually.

Hi.

I gotta go potty.

Oh, aren't you adorable?

Well, it's right out th.

Sir, who exactly is she?

She was my counselor
at soft-core fantasy ca.

I promised her
a role in the movie.

Is she my co-star?

'Cause I thought
we had great chemistry.

Mr. Dunbar, I thought
you were taking this
business venture seriou.

Timmy, are you
doubting Amber's ability

to add value
to our sales video?

Russell?
I couldn't find the pot,

and I think
I lost one of my shoes.

Well, are you?

Whew.
Wow.

(CHUCKLES)

That massage got away
from you pretty quickly.

Yeah. I just
couldn't control myself.

Two days in a row.

Haven't done that
in a while.

Yup.

It's going to be tough
to say good-bye
to that streak.

Well, I owe you, hon.

Oh, you don't have to...

Mmm,
you know, actually,
it would be nice

if you could move
that furniture into
the storage area.

I could
definitely do that.

But I don't feel like i.

Great.

Wait, what?

Well, I don't...
(SIGHS)

I don't feel like i.

But...

it would make me so hap,
my big, strong man.

Drop the act, sister.

I'm on to you.

Whatever are
you talking about?

You give me sex,
and then you ask me
to do things.

(LAUGHS) Jeff,
I have no idea what you.

Don't embarrass yoursel.

You've had a good run,

but it's over.

Nicely played.

You got the sex first.

Well, I wasn't
married yesterday.

I win.

Mmm, except,
that most of the sex yot

is based on my system
of needing you to do th,

which is now over.

I win a little less.

What are you doing?

Just reading this latest
issue of Birds USA.

Hey, check out
the crest on this
Northern Lapland, huh?

Whoa.

Yeah, you like
what you see?

I do.

That plumage would
definitely attract a ma.

Well, too bad.

What do you mean?

I mean that until
you agree to get a dog,

I'm withholding sex.

(SCOFFS)
Good luck.

What do you mean,
"good luck"?

You want it
as much as I do.

Plus, I mean, come on.

Look at this, huh?

There's no way
you can resist this.

Huh?

Flat-ish stomach.

Perfect amount
of chest hair.

Oopsie.

Did I drop something?

Oh, yeah?

Well, I can
drop stuff too.

Huh?

Check out these tight b.

Oh, what?

Did somebody say,
"silken, creamy thighs"?

We're getting a bird.

We're getting a dog.

A bird.
Dog.

Bird!
Dog!

Aw, look at
this little guy,
hey, hey there.

Just so you know,
neither of these are
allowed in the building.

Oh, hey.
Hey.

Listen, I've been thinkg
about my whole system

of, you know,
me doing stuff,
so you'll do stuff,

I don't know, maybe
it's good that it's ove.

How so?

Well, from now on,
if I ask you to do somethin,

you'll do it because
you love and support me.

And if we have sex,

it will be solely
as an expression
of our love for each ot.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, my God,

I can't believe
I got through that
with a straight face.

Yeah, listen, I think
I've come up with, um,

something a little
bit more realistic.

Hmm.

I have put together
a pretty comprehensive
"sex for chores" list.

"Sex for chores"?
Isn't that a little cra?

A little, yes.

But I think it'll really
streamline our marriage

all the way up
until we're dead.

Hmm, all right,
whatever gets us there.

Right? Okay.

So, look, all right,

I know that you want me
to move all the second
bedroom stuff

down to the
storage locker.

I do.

Okay, well,
let's look at the chart.

Under "Household
chores/heavy lifting"

and this is the act that
you'd have to perform.

That seems
a little excessive.

Well, let's just check t
the conversion chart...

and you'll see
that one of those
equals two of these.

Lady's choice.

I've never felt
more like a lady.

How about instead
I give you this.

Oh, please,
I can do that myself.

In fact, let's just
cross this one out.

I'm better at it anyway.

You know, sometimes
you are so annoying,
I wish you'd just shut .

I will...

if you do this.

All right, you guys have
the honor of seeing
the world premiere

of the video that's goig
to launch my new busine.

Our new business.

My new business.

Feast your eyes.

You love
steaming hot soup.

But hate the nightmare
of eating it.

And waiting for it to c,
who has that kind of ti?

(CLOCK TICKING)

You try cooling it
with ice cubes.

(HARP STRINGS CHIME)

But that just makes
it cold and watery.

We can use
the other shot again...

The problem is
your old, outdated spoo.

But wait,

there's a better way.

(MUSICAL CHIME)

That's right,
it's Cool Hand Soup.

The new Cool Hand Soup spoo.

Don't let regular spoons
destroy your life anymo.

Okay,
got the camera set up
on the tripod here.

All right. Let's get
a little weird this tim.

(GIGGLES)
Ooh!

We can edit that out.

All right, that really
didn't work for me.

I think we need
a chunkier soup.

Do we have a chowder?

That's better, but, uh,
let's try a minestrone.

All right, all righ,
just, wait, wait...

You know, I liked that.

But you know what,
let's do one more
tomato again.

All right, I'm done...

Okay, all right,
we're ready to shoot th.