Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 11 - Missed Connections - full transcript

Timmy (Adhir Kalyn) has a "missed connection with a beautiful woman while on the subway with Russell (David Spade). Adam's (Oliver Hudson) anniversary gift for Jennifer (Bianca Kajlich) ...

I'll have
an egg white omelet

with spinach and tomato.

And I will have
a regular omelet
with ham and cheese.

And can you take the yos
that you don't use in hs

and then put them
in mine?

When your
heart explodes,

try not to fall
into my breakfast.

Egg whites and veggies?

I'm not dying in that c.

Oh, hey,
isn't that the new coupe

that just moved
into our building?
The Harrises?



It is, good catch.

What is wrong with you?

You know that
I don't like other peop.

Yeah, well, other people
feel the same about you.

I'm gonna go say hi,
and by the way,

that little menu is no h
for your enormous head.

Hey, hey.

Check out what I got Jen
for our four-year anniversa.

Of what,
the first time you did ?

No, of the night we met.

It was the same night.

Yeah, she did not
make me earn it.

Okay, look.
Four flavors of popcorn.

One for each year
we've been together.



Nice.

Huh?

She is one lucky lady.

You wanna give me
a handful of cheddar?

No, no, no, no, no.

Then the quadrants
won't be even.

Come on, give me some,
I need it.

(LAUGHS)
You sound like Jen
the night we met.

Hey, guess what,
we're having dinner
with them tomorrow nigh.

Come on, you couldn't
get out of that?

No, I'm the one
who suggested it.

Great, fine, I will eat,

but don't expect me
to turn on the charm.

I'm pretty sure
that switch

has been locked
in the off position.

What's with
all the popcorn?

Oh, it's an anniversary
gift for Jen.

Huh.

Guess there are
worse things
than forgetting.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Mr. Dunbar?

I can't believe
I'm down here with
the mole people.

Sir, the subway is
the lifeblood of the ci,

where thousands
of lives intersect

before radiating outward
in a thousand
different directions.

It smells funny.

You might just be
catching blowback

from your Axe body wash.

(SNIFFS)
That could be it.

I smell wee-wee.
We're cabbing it.

And then we did
the whole, you know,
share desserts thing

before
calling it a night.

So long story short,
we had a great evening.

Long story short
would have been

we had fun
with the Harrises.

Yours was
a long story longer.

Well, it sounds
like it was a success.

Mr. People person
over here even asked

if we could get together
this evening.

I asked Jane, she thougt
that they had other plas

but then Paul reminded r
that they didn't,
so we made a date.

Seeing 'em again tonigh.
Boom, four words.

I got four words...

I want a divorce.

"Divorce me"
would be shorter.

Anyway, who knew
we'd find a couple
in the building

we both like
hanging out with?

We live in the building.

Oh, no,
Jeff didn't mean that.

What did I mean?

Fine, guess we won't
invite them over
to eat popcorn.

Ugh.

Enough with the popcorn.

What? What, honey,
I thought you liked it.

It was okay at first
but I'm so sick of it.

I keep finding it
everywhere.

The sofa, the bed,
the shower...

I want it out
of the house.

Fine, if it goes,
then I go.

Well, I mean, and then
when it's gone,
I'll come back.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Oh, hey, Jane.
How are you?

Oh, uh, no, that's fine.

We'll just get together
another time.

Talk to you later.

Aw, they had
to cancel tonight.

Paul just got
the stomach flu.

Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah.

I guess we'll just
pick up a pizza.

Oh, great, so we can
just sit home by oursels

eating stupid pizza,
staring at the walls.

Hey, why don't
the four of us
do something?

Sorry, buddy,
pizza night.

Here's your lunch.

(BAG SMASHES)

Come on.

You're not still mad
you missed out

on hammering
that subway chick.

I wasn't looking
to hammer anyone.

This woman and I,
we shared a connection.

I felt it.

Yeah, in your hammer.

Who's to say
what might have happened?

Sir, you may
have just cost me
the romance of a lifeti.

Keep your diaper on,
Cupid.

Fortunately, I've decidd
to take matters
into my own hands.

Ooh, well, take that
into the men's room.

Or at least
the stairwell.

As I find myself saying
far too often
in the workplace,

I'm not talking
about masturbation.

I've posted
the particulars
of my encounter

with that woman
on Missed Connections.

(SCOFFS)
What's Missed Connections?

It's a website where pee
who shared a romantic moment
can try to reconnect.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I love to burst
your bubble,

so I will.

There's no such thing
as love at first sight.

And what do you know
about it?

You know, one time
I was lucky enough

to see the most
beautiful woman
in the world.

I locked eyes
with her and then...

She was gone.

You ran out of quarters?

Did I tell you
this story?

You know what,
I'm gonna help you

find this girl
just to prove

there's no such thing
as love at first sight.

Ah, this must be
the mentoring

I was promised
all those years ago.

Hey, dudes.

Hi.

Anyone want
a little popcorn?

Or as the Indians
call it, pop-maize?

Is that true?
Mmm-hmm.

Not...that kind...
of Indian.

I've got some
very important business
to take care of.

Should I forward
your calls to
the stairwell?

Nope, no interruptions.

(DRUM MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, uh, I'd like
a small cheeseless
vegetarian pizza,

and for my husband,
a large meat-lover's pi.

And I promised to ask,
could you please
take the cheese

from my pizza
that you don't use
and put it on his.

Jane?

Hey, Paul, looks like
you're feeling better.

Uh, what?

Remember about how
I told Audrey

that you weren't
feeling well?

Oh...right, right.
(FAKES COUGH)

Jane said
it was the stomach flu.

Oh...yeah.

Oh, why am I eating piz?

Uh, I'm sorry, is there
something going on here?

Are you guys
blowing us off?

Look, we had a great tie
the other night.

It's just...

Thanks, hon.

Uh, you know how
couples get together

and sometimes
it's not exactly...

Like,
the group chemistry...

JANE: I mean,
don't get me wrong.

We really enjoyed
hanging out with you...

Okay.

It's Jeff.

I... I mean, we didn't
want to say anything.

No, it's fine, I get it.

Believe me, I get it.

Hey, listen,
how about the three of s

hang out the next time
Jeff goes out of town?

Oh, does he
travel a lot?

No...

They gave me
your extra cheese, righ?

They had to clear it
with the manager, but, .

(DEVOURS PIZZA)

Hey, you don't have
any big conferences
coming up, do you?

We got one at the end
of the month.

Really?
Yeah.

Out of town?

No, everyone's coming here.

(GRUMBLES)

Hey, did you call
Jane and Paul
to reschedule?

Mmm, not yet.

You know, I was thinkin,
when someone suddenly
has the flu,

doesn't that sound
like a blow-off?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe.

Let's not worry
about it.
Yeah.

Although, I gotta say,
if it was a blow-off,

I think this one's on y.

Excuse me?

They may have
been a little put off.

You were trying
really hard.

I'll work on that.

And those work stories
you tell.

Paging Dr. Boring.

You're needed
to anesthetize the even.

Jeff, I... I really thik
you should let it go.

I would, Aud, but you cd
learn something here.

When you try too hard,
it turns people off.

Okay, all right.
Fine, listen.

I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

But I ran into the Harrs
at the pizza place.

And they did blow us of.

You wanna know why?
Because of you.

What about me?

Uh, well,
they didn't say.

But I have
some theories.

Hmm, it might have been

the way that you
cram an entire meal

into one disgusting bit.

Or, uh, maybe it was
your ten-minute rant

on the Mets' bullpen
in response to Jane

saying she doesn't
really follow baseball.

I thought that meant
she was curious.

Or maybe
it was your 9% tip.

I'm sorry you thought
I was showboating,

but she was
a great waitress.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Thank you.

I'm quite positive
you're not the one
I saw, sir.

Okay, so I was hoping tt
the drum circle again t.

I couldn't find my guys.

Don't care.

Well, so I thought
I'd try to find them

using that
Missed Connections website.

You know, like...
Like Timmy did.

Yeah, still don't care.

Here's what
I'm gonna post.

"30-year-old man
seeking young ethnic boys."

All right,
sort of care now.

"We hooked up yesterday
for some sweet banging
and jamming.

"And I'm looking
to get it on again."

So...you see nothing wrg
with that?

Oh, my God,
you're right.

Mmm-hmm.

I almost forgot to put
my contact information.

Hey.

Hey, Jeff,
how you doing, buddy?

Jane, Paul.

All right.

So...

Apparently I'm not
your cup of tea.

Oh, my God,
did Audrey...
No, it's okay.

I... I was just wonderi,

uh, what about me
specifically

was not to your liking?

Look, Audrey
kinda put us on the spo.

All right,
we didn't know
what to say.

But...

Thanks, hon.

Well, the truth
of the matter is...

It was really Audrey

that we felt like
we didn't quite click w.

Yes, but please
don't tell Audrey.

We don't wanna hurt
her feelings.
No.

Nor would I.

It was you.

It was you they hated.

Well, I hope
you're satisfied.

I am not.

I can't believe
you need a key card
to get in the stairwell.

Thanks to you,
every freak on the subwy

has called me offering
to do unspeakable thing.

Once again, sir,
you've turned my life
into a living hell.

I was just trying
to help you find the gi.

Right, just so
that you could prove

there's no such thing
as love at first sight.

(SOFTLY GROANS)

I'm going home now, sir.

Another night...
Another chance for me
to die in my sleep

from an undetected
carbon monoxide leak.

Before you go...

Yes.
(SIGHS)

She's in there.

Who is?

The chick you saw.

(WHISTLES)

What?

That is her.

She responded
to your ridiculous
subway ad?

No, uh, it was
that thing you posted
on Missed Connections.

(SATISFIED HUM)

And to think you didn't
believe it could happen.

(SIGHS)

Well, despite that
lump of coal

in your boyish
little chicken chest,

you'll see that romance
ultimately wins out.

(DEEP BREATH)

Hi.

Hi.

It's so nice
to see you again.

I'm sorry,
who are you?

Um, I... I'm Timmy.

You... You know,
we saw each other
on the subway.

Oh, no.

You're not the guy
that I saw.

So, um...

You weren't
looking at me?

(KNOCKS)

Couldn't help
but overhear.

She wasn't
looking at you.

I'm so sorry
for the misunderstandin.

Sorry? You have nothing
to be sorry about.

I'm Russell.

Please, sir,
I beg of you, don't say.

You know, Tim...

I wanted to
teach you something.

But in all actuality,
you taught me something.

Now I do believe
in love at first sight.

Because I love
what I just saw.

(LAUGHS)

Too good.

I'm just telling you
what they said,

so don't shoot
the messenger.

Who they like
better than you.

They were trapped
in an elevator with you.

Said whatever they thout
would save them
from getting eaten.

Well, you had them
cornered in
that pizza place,

probably threatened
to tell them
that story again

about who stole
your yogurt at work.

Okay.

That is a good story
with a surprise twist.

Surprise! I just wasted
five minutes of your li.

Face it, Jeff.

I didn't blow this
for us. You did.

There's only
one way to be sure.

(FRANTIC KNOCKING)

Hi, I'm sorry
to bother you.

We need you to settle
something for us.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)
So it turns out they
hated both of us.

Yep,
they found me pushy.

I've got the table manns
of a chimp.

Oh, plus you're cheap.

Oh, and we're too critil
of each other.

Which makes people
uncomfortable.

Although
that one's more you.

Oh, try a breath mint.

Well, at least
you have each other.

And us.
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah,
it's an embarrassment.

Of riches?

Sure.

And then, when she said

she was looking
at the other guy...

(LAUGHS) Whoo.

You should have
seen the light die
in little Tim's eyes.

"Don't go to New York,"
they said.

"The people aren't nice"
they said.

Adam Rhodes?

Yes?

Did you post a solicitan
on Missed Connections?

Yeah, hey,
is everything okay?

Did you find my boys?

Sir, we need you
to come with us.

Yeah, sure,
anything I can do to he.

Can't wait to play
with those boys again.

Let's go.