Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 6 - Cheating - full transcript
Audrey tries to persuade Jeff to eat healthier when he is diagnosed with high cholesterol, but he can't help sneaking around with Brenda for unhealthy food. Meanwhile, Russell tries to keep up with his new college intern on the party circuit.
[♪♪♪]
-Hi.
-Hey.
Oh, is somebody
eating with you?
No, just me.
Oh, of course.
That's not an obscene amount of food...
...for one person.
Well, it's your fault.
It's this baby you put inside me.
I am hungry all the time.
Yesterday, I ate a whole package
of hot dog buns.
Well, now, given your lifestyle...
...I'm guessing
that you passed on the wieners.
AUDREY:
Just coffee to go.
-Scrambled eggs, pancakes...
-No.
Hash browns, bacon...
-No, no, no, no.
-A scone.
There's no one
growing inside of you.
He'll have egg whites,
dry toast, fruit, and turkey bacon.
Ugh. Turkey.
Stupid lean, flightless bird.
Uh, you heard what the doctor said
about your cholesterol.
-He was impressed.
-That you're alive.
So then I guess that's a "no"
to steaks and the NBA playoffs...
...tonight at the Cattle Drive
bar and grill?
The doctor said
Jeff has to drop 15 pounds.
Oh, come on. That's easy.
He could shave that off in body hair.
Well, listen, just because
it worked for you....
All right, I gotta go to work.
You be good.
You, do not feed him, no matter
how much he begs or licks your face.
-Do me a favor. Just...
-Mm.
Eat with your mouth open
so I can smell it.
Okay.
RUSSELL:
Yikes.
-Oh.
-Scoot over, preggo.
Uh, just coffee.
Oh, me too. Just keep it coming, please.
I am exhausted.
Jen started
this new boot-camp workout...
...so now we've been getting up
every day at dawn.
-You're working out with her?
-No.
I'm already about as cut
as you wanna be.
Anyway, we're getting up
every day at 5...
...so it's lights out by 9:30.
So you have a bedtime.
I wouldn't call it that.
No, just a set time every night
that Jen makes you go to bed.
That's right.
That's right.
And I'm not even sleepy that early.
Maybe you should try telling yourself
this story.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪
♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Good morning, sir.
Timmy, I'm bored.
Well, doing nothing for 40 years
will often bring that on, sir.
Ugh, now I'm even bored-er.
Hey.
I finished running
those copies you wanted.
Thank you.
Mr. Dunbar. This is our new intern
from NYU, Topher.
Hey, Crockett from Miami Vice called,
heh, he wants his stubble back.
I don't know who that is.
But you know what?
I like the statement you're making
with your hair.
Thanks. Hey, um....
Just so I know my statement's
coming across...
...what are you getting exactly?
Ironic 70's porno guy.
Oh, great. It's working.
Topher, all these copies
will need to be redone, I'm afraid.
-You missed side two of the document.
-Fine, whatever.
The world doesn't need trees...
...much.
Ha, ha. Oh, that's funny.
He says it like he thinks
we don't need trees...
...but he really thinks that we do.
Yes, I was here.
I like this guy.
Maybe we should take him out
with us tonight.
We're going to this cool club.
It's called Spaces. It's pretty maj.
My friends and I go there ironically...
...to make fun of people
who actually like it. Heh.
TIMMY:
Hmm.
Dude, that's why I go there,
ironically. Heh.
But this clown thinks it's cool.
No, I go because you've made it
part of my job...
...to stand next to you as you spew
crude double entendres at women...
...just this side of streetwalkers.
Hey, if we're lucky they're on this side.
I pray my parents die
never knowing what I do for a living.
They don't know you work for me?
In an effort to preserve my dignity...
...I've told them I'm the mop boy
at the 8th Avenue peep show.
Please, you couldn't carry
Glenn's bucket.
And if that's your attitude...
...maybe I'll just hang out
with Topher here tonight. Whoo.
It's me and you. How about it, Toph?
You wanna go?
Ah, well, there's an underground club
I was gonna check out.
I guess you could come.
All right.
I'll meet you there at 9.
Heh. So we can stand there like tools
for four hours until it opens?
[♪♪♪]
Sandwich and fries for you.
Salad, light dressing
and a scoop of tuna.
I ordered a hamburger, what the....
-Audrey got to you, didn't she?
-Yup.
Dammit. How'd she do that?
You wouldn't understand. She tips.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Well, I'm not gonna be starting now.
Hello there, gents.
Mr. Dunbar is engaged tonight,
so I'm as free as a bird.
Who might be up for a wee bit
of mischief?
Leprechauns?
I would love to do something
with you, Timmy...
...but, um,
oh, crap, I need to get home.
-Move, move.
-It's past his bedtime.
No, it isn't.
I've got 20 minutes.
-Then why are you leaving?
-I still have to take my bath.
So, what say, Mr. Bingham? Hmm?
An evening out? Capers and jests?
And I assure you
wherever the night's fancy takes us...
...shall forever remain entre nous.
Uh, you know what?
I don't think so. Um....
In fact, uh....
I'm sure, no.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
So, I'll just pay for this then, shall I?
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD WHOOPING]
Is this seat taken?
Oh, my God.
Jeff, what are you doing here?
Don't act all surprised, Brett Favre.
Teasing me with this photo
of your meat.
You wanted this to happen.
Does Audrey know you're here?
No. And she can't find out.
Don't worry...
...this will be our secret.
It has to be. Tonight it's just you, me...
...and whatever's left of that cow.
[♪♪♪]
See, isn't it nice
going to sleep together?
I'd hate to become one of those couples
with separate bedtimes.
I know. That would be...
...different than this.
I need you. I have trouble
falling asleep without you in the bed.
[PATS BED]
Hey, you know what helps me
fall asleep?
Sex stuff.
Oh, I would
but it's already past 9:30.
But we haven't done it
since you started this boot camp.
I know, but you can still hold me.
That's just as good.
JENNIFER:
Mm.
Oh, yeah...
...this is great.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH SIGH]
-That was amazing.
-Oh.
-You are insatiable.
-Heh.
Ah, I don't get to do this
with Audrey anymore...
-...so I wanted to make the most of it.
-Ugh.
God, Audrey. I feel so guilty...
...going behind her back like this.
Uh, look, I do too, it just happened.
It's not like we planned that.
Jeff, you phoned in your order.
So, what do you think?
Tomorrow you can maybe sneak away
for a little Duane's Barbecue?
No, look. We gotta make this
just a one-time thing.
I suppose you're right.
Would you like me to bring you
some dessert menus?
Very much so.
[♪♪♪]
TIMMY: Sir?
-Yo!
I'm shocked to see you in so early.
It's not early, dude.
I'm still going from last night, bro.
Oh, you haven't been to sleep?
[CHUCKLES]
Sleep?
I'll take "outmoded societal constructs"
for 200, Alex.
Who's Alex? I don't know,
I don't have a TV, I'm not a douche.
You do and you are, sir.
Dude, I was out all night with Topher
and his NYU crew.
We went to happening places
on purpose, and lame ones...
[IN LOW VOICE]
...ironically.
At no point did anyone question
who invited Hall from Hall And Oates?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Spoken like a jealous Oates.
That's right, you're Oates. Take it.
-Sir--
-Take it!
It's taken, I'm Oates.
Ha, ha. You admitted it.
Look, where is Topher?
I have some filing for him to do.
Whoa, whoa. Topher's not some slave
for you to oppress...
...General Moammar Kadorky.
-Topical. Take it.
-It's taken.
Topher's busy
planning our next hangout.
Are you sure you can keep up...
...with Topher
and his pretentious hipster friends?
The question is,
can they keep up with...
[IN LOW VOICE]
...me?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
And now, newly reenergized...
I've got important work
to do in my office.
[GROANS]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
I love you.
I love you too.
Hey, thanks again
for those flowers.
JEFF:
Oh.
Just because.
Tied to no reason.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-Hello.
-Guess what I'm about to eat right now?
It's Larry from work.
I'd better go take this.
AUDREY:
Mm-hm.
[SIGHS]
What are you doing?
Audrey was right next to me.
Dude, I am at Duane's Barbecue.
Okay, and they just brought me
the biggest rack of ribs...
...I have ever seen in my entire life.
Hold on. Hold on.
Okay, I'm sending you
a picture of my rack.
AUDREY:
Jeff.
Yes.
While you're in there,
check the kale. Give it a stir.
Okay.
Why don't you come join me?
Look, we agreed, you and I,
it was a one-time thing.
Plus, Audrey's already making...
...dinner.
-Everything okay?
-Ah.
I gotta to run off to the office.
Right now? But I made
a pound and a half of kale.
I know, I feel bad.
It's just Larry said
the NASDAQ's all....
It's this whole thing.
Oh, don't try to look it
up on the internet.
It'll just depress you.
[♪♪♪]
MAN 1 [OVER HEADPHONES]:
The fire we reported at the old fire hall...
...is still burning out of control.
There are no reports of injuries
but a three-block area has been--
[BUTTON CLICKS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES]
[BUTTON CLICKS]
MAN 2:
Score remains 97-98--
[SEXY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]
[BUTTON CLICKS]
MAN 3:
--by the Senate.
He had some of the backbone
to kill this.
[♪♪♪]
[MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
Check out that loser in front of us.
Still waiting
an hour-and-a-half to get in.
Isn't that what we're doing?
This place is gonna be pretty great.
Yeah. Great.
Um, are you being ironic?
Yeah, totally am.
Oh, well, then, uh,
you wanna get out of here?
Go somewhere else?
Yeah, I really wanna do that.
Sweet.
Right.
I was already....
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
-Hey.
-Where've you been?
-To the office, like I said.
-Nope, I called the office.
There was no answer. I was worried.
And then I took a walk.
-It's a terrific town to take a walk in--
AUDREY: Shut up.
I want the truth, Jeff.
I know you're up to something.
What is that red mark on your collar?
Huh?
-It's nothing.
-Oh.
That is not nothing. It's...
Oh, my God.
Is that barbecue sauce?
What? No, of course not.
It's not-- It's not barbecue sauce.
It's lipstick.
I'm having an affair.
It's been going on for a while.
Mm-hm, an affair, huh?
Then why did
I find this in your wallet?
It's a condom for my sex affair.
It's a wet-nap, Jeff!
Have you been running off
to eat bad food with Brenda?
Yeah. I didn't tell you...
...because I wanted to spare
your feelings.
Oh, God. Look, you cut me off,
I had to go somewhere else.
-So you go running to Brenda?
-No, not necessarily Brenda.
There have been others?
Look, I.... I'm always gonna crave
bad foods, Audrey.
That's just how I am.
That's why I worry about you.
I can't help it. This is what me
loving you looks like.
Isn't there some kind of compromise?
Well, I'd be willing
to try loving you less.
Hey, maybe if you weren't
such a fanatic. Come on.
If you were to just let up a little,
then I would do better.
I'd order egg whites instead of eggs.
-And turkey bacon?
-Oh, come on.
It's a deal breaker.
All right.
But then I get my home fries.
Done.
So, where did you two go?
-Uh, we went to Duane's Barbecue.
-Ugh.
-And I thought about you the whole--
-Oh, shut up.
[♪♪♪]
Where's that little sex-offender
you're always with?
He had other plans.
So once more, I'm on my own.
You know, Doreen, uh...
...I've been meaning
to compliment you on that.
Oh, I've had them
since I was 12 years old.
Oh, no, no, no. Um....
I was referring to the pin
you're wearing.
"Tipping is not just a city
in China." Well done.
Thanks, I was hoping you'd like it.
Oh, look at us,
two strangers in a big city.
We see each other daily,
yet I know so little about you.
Who is this enigma we call Doreen?
Nice try, but I'm married.
Sir, what are you doing here?
I just stopped by
to goof on this place...
...because it's so conventional
and mainstream.
Hey, a diner that sells pie.
How original.
-What do you want?
-Pie, please.
I'm gonna eat it ironically.
So, uh,
will Topher and his hipster friends...
...be joining you here
to help you give pie what for?
No, I left them
at some club in Brooklyn.
Truth is, it's hard being cooler
than everyone else.
You have to keep track
of what you're actually enjoying...
...and what you're mocking
because other people enjoy it.
Ah, I don't have that many levels.
Yes, one level
would be rounding it up.
Take it.
It's taken.
What about you?
-Having a good time?
-Ah. Not really, sir.
Everybody I know
is in some kind of relationship.
Then I realized that,
for better or for worse...
...and make no mistake
it's often the latter...
...you're the most significant relationship
I have.
Wow, you cast a wide net.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[SEXY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]
Adam.
Adam.
Oh. Hey, honey.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
-Hi.
-Hey.
Oh, is somebody
eating with you?
No, just me.
Oh, of course.
That's not an obscene amount of food...
...for one person.
Well, it's your fault.
It's this baby you put inside me.
I am hungry all the time.
Yesterday, I ate a whole package
of hot dog buns.
Well, now, given your lifestyle...
...I'm guessing
that you passed on the wieners.
AUDREY:
Just coffee to go.
-Scrambled eggs, pancakes...
-No.
Hash browns, bacon...
-No, no, no, no.
-A scone.
There's no one
growing inside of you.
He'll have egg whites,
dry toast, fruit, and turkey bacon.
Ugh. Turkey.
Stupid lean, flightless bird.
Uh, you heard what the doctor said
about your cholesterol.
-He was impressed.
-That you're alive.
So then I guess that's a "no"
to steaks and the NBA playoffs...
...tonight at the Cattle Drive
bar and grill?
The doctor said
Jeff has to drop 15 pounds.
Oh, come on. That's easy.
He could shave that off in body hair.
Well, listen, just because
it worked for you....
All right, I gotta go to work.
You be good.
You, do not feed him, no matter
how much he begs or licks your face.
-Do me a favor. Just...
-Mm.
Eat with your mouth open
so I can smell it.
Okay.
RUSSELL:
Yikes.
-Oh.
-Scoot over, preggo.
Uh, just coffee.
Oh, me too. Just keep it coming, please.
I am exhausted.
Jen started
this new boot-camp workout...
...so now we've been getting up
every day at dawn.
-You're working out with her?
-No.
I'm already about as cut
as you wanna be.
Anyway, we're getting up
every day at 5...
...so it's lights out by 9:30.
So you have a bedtime.
I wouldn't call it that.
No, just a set time every night
that Jen makes you go to bed.
That's right.
That's right.
And I'm not even sleepy that early.
Maybe you should try telling yourself
this story.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪
♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
Good morning, sir.
Timmy, I'm bored.
Well, doing nothing for 40 years
will often bring that on, sir.
Ugh, now I'm even bored-er.
Hey.
I finished running
those copies you wanted.
Thank you.
Mr. Dunbar. This is our new intern
from NYU, Topher.
Hey, Crockett from Miami Vice called,
heh, he wants his stubble back.
I don't know who that is.
But you know what?
I like the statement you're making
with your hair.
Thanks. Hey, um....
Just so I know my statement's
coming across...
...what are you getting exactly?
Ironic 70's porno guy.
Oh, great. It's working.
Topher, all these copies
will need to be redone, I'm afraid.
-You missed side two of the document.
-Fine, whatever.
The world doesn't need trees...
...much.
Ha, ha. Oh, that's funny.
He says it like he thinks
we don't need trees...
...but he really thinks that we do.
Yes, I was here.
I like this guy.
Maybe we should take him out
with us tonight.
We're going to this cool club.
It's called Spaces. It's pretty maj.
My friends and I go there ironically...
...to make fun of people
who actually like it. Heh.
TIMMY:
Hmm.
Dude, that's why I go there,
ironically. Heh.
But this clown thinks it's cool.
No, I go because you've made it
part of my job...
...to stand next to you as you spew
crude double entendres at women...
...just this side of streetwalkers.
Hey, if we're lucky they're on this side.
I pray my parents die
never knowing what I do for a living.
They don't know you work for me?
In an effort to preserve my dignity...
...I've told them I'm the mop boy
at the 8th Avenue peep show.
Please, you couldn't carry
Glenn's bucket.
And if that's your attitude...
...maybe I'll just hang out
with Topher here tonight. Whoo.
It's me and you. How about it, Toph?
You wanna go?
Ah, well, there's an underground club
I was gonna check out.
I guess you could come.
All right.
I'll meet you there at 9.
Heh. So we can stand there like tools
for four hours until it opens?
[♪♪♪]
Sandwich and fries for you.
Salad, light dressing
and a scoop of tuna.
I ordered a hamburger, what the....
-Audrey got to you, didn't she?
-Yup.
Dammit. How'd she do that?
You wouldn't understand. She tips.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Well, I'm not gonna be starting now.
Hello there, gents.
Mr. Dunbar is engaged tonight,
so I'm as free as a bird.
Who might be up for a wee bit
of mischief?
Leprechauns?
I would love to do something
with you, Timmy...
...but, um,
oh, crap, I need to get home.
-Move, move.
-It's past his bedtime.
No, it isn't.
I've got 20 minutes.
-Then why are you leaving?
-I still have to take my bath.
So, what say, Mr. Bingham? Hmm?
An evening out? Capers and jests?
And I assure you
wherever the night's fancy takes us...
...shall forever remain entre nous.
Uh, you know what?
I don't think so. Um....
In fact, uh....
I'm sure, no.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
So, I'll just pay for this then, shall I?
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD WHOOPING]
Is this seat taken?
Oh, my God.
Jeff, what are you doing here?
Don't act all surprised, Brett Favre.
Teasing me with this photo
of your meat.
You wanted this to happen.
Does Audrey know you're here?
No. And she can't find out.
Don't worry...
...this will be our secret.
It has to be. Tonight it's just you, me...
...and whatever's left of that cow.
[♪♪♪]
See, isn't it nice
going to sleep together?
I'd hate to become one of those couples
with separate bedtimes.
I know. That would be...
...different than this.
I need you. I have trouble
falling asleep without you in the bed.
[PATS BED]
Hey, you know what helps me
fall asleep?
Sex stuff.
Oh, I would
but it's already past 9:30.
But we haven't done it
since you started this boot camp.
I know, but you can still hold me.
That's just as good.
JENNIFER:
Mm.
Oh, yeah...
...this is great.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH SIGH]
-That was amazing.
-Oh.
-You are insatiable.
-Heh.
Ah, I don't get to do this
with Audrey anymore...
-...so I wanted to make the most of it.
-Ugh.
God, Audrey. I feel so guilty...
...going behind her back like this.
Uh, look, I do too, it just happened.
It's not like we planned that.
Jeff, you phoned in your order.
So, what do you think?
Tomorrow you can maybe sneak away
for a little Duane's Barbecue?
No, look. We gotta make this
just a one-time thing.
I suppose you're right.
Would you like me to bring you
some dessert menus?
Very much so.
[♪♪♪]
TIMMY: Sir?
-Yo!
I'm shocked to see you in so early.
It's not early, dude.
I'm still going from last night, bro.
Oh, you haven't been to sleep?
[CHUCKLES]
Sleep?
I'll take "outmoded societal constructs"
for 200, Alex.
Who's Alex? I don't know,
I don't have a TV, I'm not a douche.
You do and you are, sir.
Dude, I was out all night with Topher
and his NYU crew.
We went to happening places
on purpose, and lame ones...
[IN LOW VOICE]
...ironically.
At no point did anyone question
who invited Hall from Hall And Oates?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Spoken like a jealous Oates.
That's right, you're Oates. Take it.
-Sir--
-Take it!
It's taken, I'm Oates.
Ha, ha. You admitted it.
Look, where is Topher?
I have some filing for him to do.
Whoa, whoa. Topher's not some slave
for you to oppress...
...General Moammar Kadorky.
-Topical. Take it.
-It's taken.
Topher's busy
planning our next hangout.
Are you sure you can keep up...
...with Topher
and his pretentious hipster friends?
The question is,
can they keep up with...
[IN LOW VOICE]
...me?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
And now, newly reenergized...
I've got important work
to do in my office.
[GROANS]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
I love you.
I love you too.
Hey, thanks again
for those flowers.
JEFF:
Oh.
Just because.
Tied to no reason.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-Hello.
-Guess what I'm about to eat right now?
It's Larry from work.
I'd better go take this.
AUDREY:
Mm-hm.
[SIGHS]
What are you doing?
Audrey was right next to me.
Dude, I am at Duane's Barbecue.
Okay, and they just brought me
the biggest rack of ribs...
...I have ever seen in my entire life.
Hold on. Hold on.
Okay, I'm sending you
a picture of my rack.
AUDREY:
Jeff.
Yes.
While you're in there,
check the kale. Give it a stir.
Okay.
Why don't you come join me?
Look, we agreed, you and I,
it was a one-time thing.
Plus, Audrey's already making...
...dinner.
-Everything okay?
-Ah.
I gotta to run off to the office.
Right now? But I made
a pound and a half of kale.
I know, I feel bad.
It's just Larry said
the NASDAQ's all....
It's this whole thing.
Oh, don't try to look it
up on the internet.
It'll just depress you.
[♪♪♪]
MAN 1 [OVER HEADPHONES]:
The fire we reported at the old fire hall...
...is still burning out of control.
There are no reports of injuries
but a three-block area has been--
[BUTTON CLICKS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES]
[BUTTON CLICKS]
MAN 2:
Score remains 97-98--
[SEXY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]
[BUTTON CLICKS]
MAN 3:
--by the Senate.
He had some of the backbone
to kill this.
[♪♪♪]
[MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
Check out that loser in front of us.
Still waiting
an hour-and-a-half to get in.
Isn't that what we're doing?
This place is gonna be pretty great.
Yeah. Great.
Um, are you being ironic?
Yeah, totally am.
Oh, well, then, uh,
you wanna get out of here?
Go somewhere else?
Yeah, I really wanna do that.
Sweet.
Right.
I was already....
[♪♪♪]
[SIGHS]
-Hey.
-Where've you been?
-To the office, like I said.
-Nope, I called the office.
There was no answer. I was worried.
And then I took a walk.
-It's a terrific town to take a walk in--
AUDREY: Shut up.
I want the truth, Jeff.
I know you're up to something.
What is that red mark on your collar?
Huh?
-It's nothing.
-Oh.
That is not nothing. It's...
Oh, my God.
Is that barbecue sauce?
What? No, of course not.
It's not-- It's not barbecue sauce.
It's lipstick.
I'm having an affair.
It's been going on for a while.
Mm-hm, an affair, huh?
Then why did
I find this in your wallet?
It's a condom for my sex affair.
It's a wet-nap, Jeff!
Have you been running off
to eat bad food with Brenda?
Yeah. I didn't tell you...
...because I wanted to spare
your feelings.
Oh, God. Look, you cut me off,
I had to go somewhere else.
-So you go running to Brenda?
-No, not necessarily Brenda.
There have been others?
Look, I.... I'm always gonna crave
bad foods, Audrey.
That's just how I am.
That's why I worry about you.
I can't help it. This is what me
loving you looks like.
Isn't there some kind of compromise?
Well, I'd be willing
to try loving you less.
Hey, maybe if you weren't
such a fanatic. Come on.
If you were to just let up a little,
then I would do better.
I'd order egg whites instead of eggs.
-And turkey bacon?
-Oh, come on.
It's a deal breaker.
All right.
But then I get my home fries.
Done.
So, where did you two go?
-Uh, we went to Duane's Barbecue.
-Ugh.
-And I thought about you the whole--
-Oh, shut up.
[♪♪♪]
Where's that little sex-offender
you're always with?
He had other plans.
So once more, I'm on my own.
You know, Doreen, uh...
...I've been meaning
to compliment you on that.
Oh, I've had them
since I was 12 years old.
Oh, no, no, no. Um....
I was referring to the pin
you're wearing.
"Tipping is not just a city
in China." Well done.
Thanks, I was hoping you'd like it.
Oh, look at us,
two strangers in a big city.
We see each other daily,
yet I know so little about you.
Who is this enigma we call Doreen?
Nice try, but I'm married.
Sir, what are you doing here?
I just stopped by
to goof on this place...
...because it's so conventional
and mainstream.
Hey, a diner that sells pie.
How original.
-What do you want?
-Pie, please.
I'm gonna eat it ironically.
So, uh,
will Topher and his hipster friends...
...be joining you here
to help you give pie what for?
No, I left them
at some club in Brooklyn.
Truth is, it's hard being cooler
than everyone else.
You have to keep track
of what you're actually enjoying...
...and what you're mocking
because other people enjoy it.
Ah, I don't have that many levels.
Yes, one level
would be rounding it up.
Take it.
It's taken.
What about you?
-Having a good time?
-Ah. Not really, sir.
Everybody I know
is in some kind of relationship.
Then I realized that,
for better or for worse...
...and make no mistake
it's often the latter...
...you're the most significant relationship
I have.
Wow, you cast a wide net.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[SEXY MUSIC
PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]
Adam.
Adam.
Oh. Hey, honey.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]