Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 13 - Meat Wars - full transcript

Hey.
Hey.

Hey.
Jeff, guess what
I just bought.

Something overpriced
that we don't need.

Two tickets to Bon Jovi.

(SIGHS)

Why would you buy those?

Come on, you know
I've always liked Bon J.

Let's go out,
get a little crazy.

I don't know,
it's crowded and loud

and when you get there
it's Bon Jovi.

All right, grandpa.



Plus beers are like $11,
so there's another 88 bucks.

Well, I've heard
Bon Jovi's great live.

You see?

Yeah, my mom sees him
all the time.

Except for last year
when she had hip surger.

I think that's the first
time in a while that

Bon Jovi and hip
were mentioned together.

Wait, so... So what
are you saying?

I'm like your mom?

Oh, no,
I didn't mean that.

I mean, I do think
you'll be a great mom.

What does that mean?

It's just that I think u
have a lot of experience

and that you always
know what to say.



You don't.

So... So what, I'm like
some wise old woman?

Yeah, yeah, I think
that's what she meant.

I think it's pretty cler
what's going on here.

Jen is dying
to see Bon Jovi.

As a gentleman, I'm goig
to let her buy my ticke.

Face value.

What?

Jump on it.
It's a great deal.

Fine, I'll have a much
better time with her.
What do you say?

Um, sure, yeah,
sounds like fun.

No, fun is not the word
to describe
a Bon Jovi concert.

Oh, on this we agree.

Hey.

Timmy, I see you had
your boss reupholstered.

Look, it's not in
the normal rotaish,

but to shake up
me recent funk,

pulled this
out of the closet.

I think it pulled you
out of the closet.

Yeah.

I wonder how long this
stuff's been in here.

Let me see.

A ticket stub to Sisterd
of the Traveling Pants?

Hey, spoiler alert.

The pants never travel
south of the waist.

Well, here's a phone number.

That's weird.

That you scored a number
wrapped in pleather?

That is weird.

No, there's no name.

Well, I don't recognizet
as one of your clinics
or escort services.

Yeah, that would
be programmed in.

No, this has got to be
some chick's number.

Call it up,
see who answers.

I don't know.

Isn't it kind of disresl
to call after all this ?

Plus, she might be a ho.

Here, find out who
this chick is.

Oh, let her go, sir.
She got away
fair and square.

True, but she made the miste
of leaving a paper trai.

(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)

Now, go.

And as a reward
you get a, uh,
invite to a Y2K party.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

So, now that Jen
and Audrey are gone,

we can do whatever we want.

Oh, they left you two?

That's good.
They were both
kinda lame, dude.

Honestly, you're better.

They just went to
a concert together.

Oh, well,
they're great gals.

You guys are lucky.

All right, so what's
the plan for tonight?

Barbecue on the roof.
I've got a 36-ounce sir.

Mmm-hmm.
...a couple of baked ta.

Yes.
12 pack of brewskies.

That sounds fantastic.

It will be.
What are you gonna do?

(STAMMERING) Oh, I thought
that I was included
in your thing.

Now that you know you're no,
what are you gonna do?

Come on, deal me in.

I can rock a mean salad.

I will never find out
if that's true.

Hey.

Sir, I've found
your mystery woman.

Oh, nice detective work,
Angela Lamesbury.

Spill the beans.

The number once belonged to
a Meredith Carroll, now.

She's a podiatrist.

Oh, I love kids.

You, uh, you're thinking
of a pediatrician.

Swing and a miss,
mind reader.

Hey, how's she looking?

Hot enough to take a rie
in the old Russ Bus?

(MIMICS BUS)

Yes, with stops
at Regret-ville,
Shame-town, and STD Cit.

But, no, I don't know
what she looks like.

Her website
didn't have a photo.

Aw, always doing
half the job.

Let's be clear.
None of this is my job.

All right, make
an appointment
to see her.

See if she's hot enough
for me to pursue.

Okay, first off,
there's nothing wrong
with my feet.

(STOMPS TIMMY'S FOOT)

(STIFLES CRY)
Yeah. That sounded painful.

You might want to
get that looked at.

(HIGH-PITCHED)
Uh-huh.

Go, go, go,
hop out on the good one.

There you go.

All right, let me
take a look at this.
Does this hurt?

(HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE)

I'll take that as a no.

Um, you know, Dr. Carro.

I told you,
call me Meredith.

Of course, um,
you know, Meredith,

it is rather impressive
that you have

your own practice
at such a young age.

Oh, well, this is
my father's practice,

and I took it over
when he passed away.

(GIGGLES)

I'm so sorry,
that's the tickle talki.

Yeah, I assumed.

So what do you do?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm a foot model.

Although I do have
grand ambitions of

transitioning into
being a foot actor.

All right, well, you can
put your shoes back on.

Actually, I, uh,
work in real estate
development for a, uh...

You know, it's not
important who I work fo.

Well, there doesn't seem toe
any problem with your f.

Except that they'll be
carrying me out of here.

(LAUGHS)

Well, you can always mae
a follow-up appointment
with my receptionist.

Ah, perhaps, uh,
we could do a follow-up
over dinner tonight.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I... I am tempted,
but I generally
don't date patients.

Ah.

Well, in that case,
you're fired.

Well, in that case,
pick me up at 7:00.

(KNOCKS AT DOOR)

Hey.

Uh, Audrey is still
getting ready.

Oh, okay.
Yeah, but come on in and wa.

I gotta go take care
of my meat.

Do you really have
to announce that?

I'm marinating my steak.

But now that you mentio,
I should wash my hands.

Oh, hey.
Hey, Jeff, have you seen
my red leather jacket?

Wow, look at that outfi.

I remember this party g.

Mmm-hmm.

She was up for it a lote
than the one I've got n.

Yeah, that was before
you formally announced

your decision
to let yourself go.

Have you seen
my butter spray?

It's on your nightstand.

Gross.

It's not what you think.
I was eating an ear
of corn in there.

All right, whatever
you wanna call it.

Look, for some reason
Adam looks up to you.

It would have been nice
if you had included him
in your barbecue.

Well, 20/20 hindsight.

You realize you
still can invite him.

20/20 foresight.

WOMAN ON AUDIO TAPE:
And from cobra transitn
into downward dog.

I appreciate the offer,
but no thanks.

What the hell
are you doing?

Well, it's such
a nice night,

I thought I'd do
a little sunset yoga.

You knew I was using
the roof to grill.

Oh, was that tonight?

I get it,
you feel left out.

You made your point.

Let me have the roof
to myself,

and tomorrow,
I'll let you make me
that salad.

Sorry, buddy,
but I'm here to stay.

So, I guess you're just gona
have to make other plan.

Actually,
I don't think I will.

And your mating dance
isn't gonna bother me.

Well...

Good, 'cause your grillg
isn't gonna bother me.

WOMAN ON AUDIO TAPE:
Now, let's stand
into a forward bend.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah!

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about!

Whoo!

Yeah!

(WHISTLING)

Uh, watch the dancing,
chief.

We don't need it
raining in here.

Yes, we wouldn't want your n
running all over the fl.

(LAUGHS)

Joke's on you, dummy.

I sprung for
the clear-coat sealant.

Water just beads off.

I don't even use
a towel anymore.

You're a very
impressive man, sir.

So what's the deal
with foot girl?

Oh, you wouldn't
be interested, sir.

She's beneath you.

Oh, I'd be very interesd
in her beneath me, actu.

Sir, what I meant was

she's far below
your standards.

You needn't give her
another moment's though.

Oh, yeah, that bad, huh?

Mmm.
What is she, a dog?

A hog? A cow?

All of the above, sir.

Sounds like a mess.
Might be good for you, thou.

Hmm.

I'll take that under
advisement, shall I?

Now, if you've no more
degrading errands for m,

I have some plans.
I was hoping
to cut out early.

Whoa, after I gave you
half a day off
for the foot thing?

God, give a guy
an inch, huh?

WOMAN ON AUDIO TAPE:
Now, push into the mat
with your hips

and take a deep breath.

(COUGHS)

Okay.

Okay, Jeff,
that's enough.

Look, it's fine,
you know,

if you want to,
uh, just lie there,
grinding away at that mt

like it's Justin Timber.

But I'm gonna
keep grilling.

I already turned
the music off for you.

No, you didn't.

The boombox ate your tape.

Look, I was here first.

(MOCKING)
I was here first.
What are you, nine?

Besides, I had dibs.

Sorry, I'm staying.

Look, we both know
how this is gonna end.

I'm the big dog.

So let's just
cut to the part
where I get my way.

Fine.

Great.

I'll even
give you a beverage
for the walk down.

I think I accidentally
threw one of Aud's
wine coolers in here.

Here we go.

How you like me now,
big dog?

One false move and
you can say goodbye
to your sirloin.

Hey, look, this is
between you and me.

Don't take it out
on the meat.

I mean, let's just
talk this out.

No, I'm done talking.

Okay, we're supposed
to be friends,

but you don't invite me
to hang out.

It's like...

It's like you
don't respect me.

You are wearing
those tiny pants.

They're yoga pants.

And they're Jen's.

All right, fine.

From now on,
I do respect you.

How do I know
you're not just
saying that?

You do know
that I'm just
saying that.

Okay one more step...

One more step,
and you can say
goodbye to your meat.

All right, fine.

Just know that two
can play this game.
(UNZIPPING)

What are you doing?

Taking a hostage of my own.

You return
my steak to safety,

or I'm gonna whiz
all over your yoga mat.

You're bluffing.

I've had three beers
and a wine cooler.

I couldn't bluff
if I wanted to.

(ALL CHEER)

Yes! Ah, I never
sit this close!

When Jeff buys tickets
he calls the back row
the front row to saving.

They certainly play
a lot of songs
that sound similar.

(SIGHS)

What are you doing?

You can't rock
sitting down.

Come on, Audrey,
don't your feet hurt?

No way.

Your straps
are digging in.

I can see you bleeding.

Jen, this is
Bon Jovi, okay?

He has seen a million faces,
and he has rocked them .

Yours is not gonna be
the first face
he doesn't rock.

Come on.

Okay, you're right.

Just let me go
check in with Adam,

then I'll let him
rock my face.

All right, hurry back.

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Hey, honey,
I'm gonna be home a lite
later than I thought.

What's up with you?

Actually,
I'm up on the roof.

Oh, good, so you're
hanging out with Jeff?

Well, he's doing most
of the hanging out.

I love this restaurant.
Have you been here before?

Yes, I come here
all the time.

Mmm, I really like
the decor.

Mmm-hmm.

I really do think
the library motif
gives it...

Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

What on earth
are you doing here?

Oh, I put
the pieces together.

Timmy, what's going on?

RUSSELL: I'll tell you
what's going on.

I sent him to
see if you were
hot enough for me.

Congratulations,
you are.

But then he lied
and grabbed you
for himself.

Do you
know this person?

Yes. Um, Mr. Dunbar,
can we please discuss
this in private?

There's nothing
to discuss.
She's my date.

We have a long
history together

and I'd like to
try to remember it.

I don't know
who you are.

Quiet.
This doesn't
concern you!

Sir, why would I facilie
you dating this lovely woman

when all you do
is try to score with her

and then spend
the next few weeks
dodging her calls?

(LAUGHING)
Okay.

He doesn't know what
he's talking about.

When we do it,
I'll take your call.

Now scooch.

I will not.

Unlike you, I have an al
connection with Meredit.

Oh, is that why you
refer to her as a dog,
hog, and a cow?

TIMMY:
What... No, no.

Those were your words.

I merely agreed to
throw him off your scen.

I'm an animal
with a scent?

Ooh, yeah, you are.

Listen, I think
you should leave.

You're making Maryanne
very uncomfortable.

Meredith.

Of course it is.

So where are you
from, Meredith?

Can we get some bread?

MAN: Thank you.
Good night!

Oh, what a show!

Wow, band's aged
a lot better than
some of their fans.

(YAWNING)

You tired?
No. Mmm-mmm.

'Cause you were yawning.
No, I...

That wasn't a yawn.
I was cheering.

(YAWNING CHEER)
Bon Jovi!

Well, tired or not,
show's over.

We get to go home!

Get to? What...
Maybe you wanna
go home.

Not maybe.
I do.

Well, sorry, this night
is far from over.

Oh, God, tell me the bas
not coming back on.

No, grandma.

We are gonna go backstage
and party with them.

Why are you calling everyone
your grandparent?

Come on, come on,
let's go.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

You know there's
a clock on this.

And with each beer,
I'm losing my ability
to negotiate.

We'll just see what
gives out first.
My arm or your bladder.

And I don't need medican
to control my arm.

You know,
you're really showing me
some stones tonight.

Yeah.

I'm getting
a pretty good look
at yours, too.

I admire how you're
standing up to me.

You've earned my respec.

Seriously?
Yep.

How do I know you're
not just saying that?

Because I'm not.

And I mean it. And if yu
still want it, a quarter
of that steak is yours.

Thanks, man.

I do.

Ah! Oh!

No!

(SIGHS)

Well, I guess we both
know what this means.

Go ahead.

(SIGHS)

I knew it was fate
that you and I
would end up together.

You couldn't let me have
just one small victory,
could you?

You're right, Timmy.
This is for the best.

If she didn't want
either one of us,
then who needs her?

Actually, she did
want one of us.

Me, she wanted me.

Yeah, who needs her?

Hmm?

All right,
just leave it
to me, okay?

I know how to sweet talk
my way into the VIP.

I believe you, Audrey.

Please, just let me
go home.

Hey, great show, huh?

Whoa, did you get to lin
or were you at the gym?

(GRUNTS)

Nobody gets backstage
without a pass.

Yeah, I've been
a lifelong Bon Jovi fan.

I've seen him,
like, 10 times.

I've always really
wanted to meet him.
You think...

Sorry.

Okay, look,
I'm about to be
a mom, okay?

I see how kids affect
my friends' lives.

How many more chances
am I gonna have
to get crazy?

Come on,
let me have this,
please? Please?

You know,
I wish I could.

And I can.

Hmm, I still got it.

Wow, so you guys
got to party
with Bon Jovi backstage?

Well, if you call
watching them quietly
playing backgammon

so as not to wake
their kids "partying"...

What did I say, huh?

What happens backstage
stays backstage.

Got it.

I mean, why did that
bouncer keep thanking you?

Uh, I don't know.

That's so weird.

So did you guys
have fun together?

Yeah, yeah.

Some yoga,
a little grilling.

Good times.

JENNIFER:
Oh. Oh, so that's where
the yoga mat is.

We need to return it
to Audrey.

That, uh, the...
The, uh, yoga mat is,
uh, Audrey's?

How about that?

Oh, you didn't sweat
all over it, did you?

I did not.